Category Archives: TV Review

Review: Game of Thrones Ep. 09 “Baelor”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

My mind is a little bit jumbled as I sit down to review episode 9 of Game of Thrones.  As I’ve always been quick to admit, I’m not sports fan and, to be honest, I find most sporting events to be 1) tedious, 2) confusing, or 3) both.  So, there’s a lot of I don’t understand about the game between the Mavericks and the Heat tonight but I do understand that my city’s team won and YAY! for that.  Right now, there’s a huge party going on in downtown Dallas and, if it were just two years earlier, I would probably be down there, drinking too much, dancing in the middle of the street, flashing my boobs at passing cameras, and basically having a grand old Mardi Gras.

However, I’ve grown up a lot in the past few years and that’s why, instead of partying downtown, I instead observed the Mavs victory by going to the beloved DVR and playing the latest episode of Game of Thrones.

So, if you’re totally unfamiliar with the George R. R. Martin books, tonight’s “twist” was undoubtedly the shock of the television season.  The folks at Entertainment Weekly have already declared it to be so.  Now, if you’ve read the books or, if like me, you’ve only read an outline of them, then you already knew what fate lay in store for Nedd.  Still, I think HBO should be commended for actually going through with it.  It’s one thing to kill off a major character in a work of literature.  It’s another to kill off the star of your show.

So, tonight’s episode began with Nedd chained up in a dungeon and ended up with him being beheaded while his terrified daughters watched.  Nedd was executed despite the fact that, in order to protect his daughter, he’d just announced that Joffrey was the rightful heir to the throne.  And Joffrey repaid him by ordering his execution.  So, if you didn’t hate Joffrey before…well, why didn’t you?  I mean, seriously, not only has he been a consistent asshole (at least as far as the TV series goes, I understand that all the characters are a bit more nuanced in the books) but he still looks like Justin Beiber possessed by Pazuzu.  But anyway, if you had any wonders about the type of king Joffrey will be, those doubts were answered tonight.

A lot of viewers (like me) have commented that, in the first few episodes, Nedd came across as well-meaning but largely ineffectual and a little bit dull.  We knew that he’d have his moment at some point because he was played by Sean Bean.  But, far too often, it seemed like Sean Bean would be forever overshadowed by the more flamboyant characters played by Peter Dinklage, Aiden Gillen, and others.  Well, tonight, Sean Bean finally got his chance to shine and, as a result, viewers who had been casually dismissive of Nedd Stark will now be forced to look at him in a different light.  Whether it was the defiance he showed at the opening of the episode or the doomed dignity with which he faced his fate, Nedd was suddenly revealed as perhaps one of the strongest characters among this epic’s large cast.  And Bean proved himself to be exactly the right actor to portray that strength.

This episode was clearly dominated by Nedd’s death but here’s a few other points:

1) I don’t know whether this was intentional or maybe it’s just my Catholic background coming out on Pentecost Sunday but Nedd’s execution — with the rabid crowd calling for his blood — had a definite “Give us Barabas!” passion play feel to it.  The execution itself, I felt, was quite well-directed and seemed to be meant to remind us of Nedd putting down the dire wolf earlier in the season.

2) Peter Dinklage had a host of good scenes as Tyrion tonight.  Dinklage plays the role with just the right mix of duty and cynicism.  The brilliance of his performance, I think, is that he doesn’t go overboard with either trait.  It’s that perfect balance that makes Tyrion such a consistently interesting character.  As well, I loved his scenes with Charles Dance and Sibel Kekilli (playing the character of Shae).  Dinklage is one of those actors who seems to bring out the best of those appearing opposite him as well.

3) This episode’s other main plotline seemed to be Drogo’s sudden illness and the bloody approach the was taken to cure him.  The blood didn’t really surprise me because, quite frankly, it seems like anyone within the vicinity of Drogo is going to end up getting splattered with blood every other day.  Still, I like Drogo and it goes beyond the undeniable sex appeal of a big, strong man who takes what he wants.  He and Danys have probably one of the most genuine relationships on this show.  Then, to top it all off, Danys goes into labor.

So, next week brings us the season finale of Game of Thrones.  I’ve enjoyed discovering this new world over the past two months and I’ve enjoyed losing my Game of Thrones virginity here online with the readers of this site.  I can’t tell you what’s going to happen on episode 10 but I can tell you that I picked up a copy of George R. R. Martin’s novel earlier on Saturday and I plan to read it over the summer.  I look forward to discovering what the television series left out and also to preparing myself for season two of HBO’s Game of Thrones.

Review: Game of Thrones Ep. 08 “The Pointy End”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Okay, this is my third time to review an episode of Game of Thrones for this blog.  I previously reviewed episode 2 and then episode 6.  I always seem to end up reviewing episodes in which Drogo does something really brutal and makes me go, “Agck!”  And tonight was no different.

So, when we last left Game of Thrones, the king was dying and Nedd had been appointed protector of the realm.  Nedd was ordered to bow down to Joffrey Beiber but Nedd refused, saying that Joffrey was not the heir to the throne.  This led to the creepy little brat demanding blood and suddenly, Aiden Gillen was holding a knife to Nedd’s throat and saying — in this wonderfully evil way — “I did tell you not to trust me.”

Last week’s episode ended with the promise of violence and the beginning on tonight’s episode delivered on that promise as the Lannister guards came for Nedd’s two daughters — Arya and Sansa — and cut down anyone unfortunate enough to get in their way.  By this point, we expect the violence in this show to be brutal.  Indeed, I think we almost demand it because each drop of blood shed onscreen serves notice that Game of Thrones isn’t just a “sword-and-sorcery fantasy.”  Instead, it’s a show about real people, all of whom have their own motivations, personalities, and individual complexities.  This show is a fantasy that feels real and that was especially evident tonight.

The casual and needless brutality of the Lannisters was emphasized by the fact that they were clad in anonymous armor and carrying metal swords while the majority of their victims were both without weapon and armor.  If nothing else, this sequence left little doubt who the bad guys are and who the good guys are.

Speaking of good guys, I have to admit that I hadn’t given much thought to Syrio until tonight’s episode but I still had to hold back a tear as I watched him knowingly sacrified himself for Arya.  There was something so incredibly poignant about the sight of him standing there with his broken wooden sword, facing down that faceless, armor-clad giant.  For all the respect I give this show for not shying away from the brutality of violence, I was thankful that we didn’t see Syrio struck down.  It allowed the character to go out with the respect that he had definitely earned.

From the moment this show began, I’ve been aware that Arya and (to a much lesser extent) Sansa are two fan favorites and this episode — perhaps for the first time since we saw Arya dealing with Joffrey Bieber in episode 2 — gave me some clues why.  Though Arya was only in the first ten minutes of the episode, she also provided tonight’s most shocking moment when she killed a young boy with “the pointy end.”  It was a well-played scene and one that once established that this is a fantasy with a very human dimension.

Arya escaped the Lannisters but Sansa — not surprisingly — didn’t.  Instead, she was taken into custody.  I have to admit that it’s easy to dislike Sansa.  Previously, I’ve always thought of her as being the equivalent of those silly girls who go on twitter, change their last name to Beiber, and spend all of their time hating on Selena Gomez.  It didn’t help that every time we saw Sansa, she was chasing after that little creepy Joffrey.  However, at the end of tonight’s episode, Sansa partially redeemed herself by begging Joffrey to spare Nedd.  I say partially because she still felt the need to say that she understood that Nedd must have done something wrong.  Obviously, that was probably a diplomatic move on her part but I still found myself wishing that Arya had been there because she would have just ripped the little brat’s throat out.  Still, this final scene was very well-played by both Jack Gleeson (as Joffrey) and Sophie Turner (as Sansa).  Though it ended on a much quieter note than last week’s episode, the end of tonight’s episode carried a lot more emotional weight.

I think one reason that Arleigh wanted me to review this particular episode is because some much of it centered on the two sisters and the different methods they used to deal with the situation they found themselves in.  Just by coincidence, I ended up watching tonight’s episode with my own sister, Erin.  As usual, Erin and I both started to discuss which sister I was like and which sister she was like.  And, as usual, we both wanted to be Arya.

Erin’s argument for being the most like Arya comes down to the fact that, like Arya, she’s athletic, not given to vanity, and has little use for the silly and superficial.  My argument was that, like Arya, I’m the youngest.  Yes, I’m afraid that’s the only argument I could come up with.  As I watched tonight’s episode, I finally forced myself to admit that I’m not Arya.  No, I’m just silly little Sansa, constantly flirting with the wrong guy, getting my entire family into trouble but, if nothing else, always looking good while doing so.  That’s hard to admit because, ultimately, who wouldn’t rather be Arya?

After watching tonight’s episode, I can say that even though I would still rather be an Arya, I can at least be a little less embarrassed about actually being Sansa.

Though this episode was pretty much dominated, for me, by the two sisters, there was actually a good deal else going on.  A few quick highlights:

1) In reaction to the imprisonment of his father, Robb Stark is gathering an army to lead a counter attack against the Lannisters.  I have to admit that Robb hadn’t previously made much of an impression on me but tonight, he came into his own a bit.  I’m still not really sold on him but he did show that he’s not quite as much of a cipher as I originally suspected.  As well, Robb Jon Snow had a great fight scene with a truly creepy assailant.  (Yes,turns out that wasn’t Robb fighting with the assailant, that was Jon.  Sorry, to be honest, neither Robb nor Jon have made a huge impression on me up to this point in the show. — LMB)

2) It was nice to the see the surviving dire wolves pop up on tonight’s episode and actually get to do something.  I’m still angry about that wolf that was put down in episode 2.  Hopefully, one of them will get another chance to bite Joffrey before the season ends.

3) Sometimes, when I think about Peter Dinklage and Game of Thrones, I’m reminded of how I originally assumed that Lost would be the Dominic Monaghan show.  Once the show actually started, it quickly became apparent that Monaghan was just a distinctive member of an ensemble and one reason that I knew Lost was special was because this didn’t bother me.  Monaghan, himself, was so good in his role and such a charismatic presence that you often times found yourself assuming that he had been in more episodes than he actually was.  I often feel the same way about Dinklage.  Even when he only has a few minutes of screen time, Dinklage’s performance dominates.  Dinklage had some strong moments in tonight’s episode and I hope that Emmy voters will take note of how effortlessly he went from providing comic relief to showing some very real and genuine emotion when he heard that Robert was dead. Week after week, Dinklage is such a compelling presence that he almost gives the Lannisters an appeal that they wouldn’t otherwise have.

4) Okay, I’ve said in the past that Drogo is sexy and I’ve had a lot of people give me a hard time about that.  Here’s my argument — yes, he’s a brute and yes, he does occasionally look like he should be sacking Rome in a 1960s biblical epice but he’s also a strong, powerful man who sees what he wants and takes it.  And, sorry, that’s sexy.  Add to that, his clear devotion to Danys and…oh my God, where to begin?  But anyway, the fact that he’s hot doesn’t make it any more appealing to watch him rip someone’s tongue out of their mouth.  Then again, how many men do you know who are capable of actually doing that?  So, tonight’s episode left me conflicted on Drogo but, in the end, he and Danys remain two of the most unpredictable and complex characters that have ever appeared on a television screen.  I don’t know that I’d trade places with Danys but … well, I probably would.  Maybe just for a night…

5) Speaking of disturbingly sexy, Aiden Gillen (playing Littlefinger) may just be one of the great villianous character actors of the 2010s.  He has the wonderfully perverse glint in his eye and he delivers every line with just the right amount of arch contempt.

6) Ironically, the original and interesting and compelling Game of Thrones is followed every Sunday night by its exact opposite, an aggressively hyped and overrated show called Treme.  If I ever have to explain why Game of Thrones is one of the best shows on television, I’ll start by comparing just how real the people of fictional King’s Landing feel when compared to Treme‘s portrayal of the people of the very real city of New Orleans.

Now, as I’ve admitted in the past, I was a Game of Thrones virgin when this series began.  I haven’t read George R. R. Martin’s original novel — though I plan to this summer — and what I know about the eventual direction of the series is pretty much limited to what I’ve read on Wikipedia.  (If some total stranger put it in Wikipedia, it’s got to be accurate, right?)  As such, I know — in the vaguest sense — some of what is going to happen if this series stays true to Martin’s source material.  As such, watching these last few episodes have been a bit like watching a cryptic prophecy steadily start to make sense before your eyes.  I’m now eagerly waiting for the final 2 episodes to see if the prophecies come true.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Babysitter’s Seduction (dir. by David Burton Morris)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I was feeling sad so I went to the handy DVR and I watched a movie that I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on Memorial Day — the unacknowledged classic piece of Americana, The Babysitter’s Seduction!

Why Was I Watching It?

Oh.  My.  God!  How could I not watch it?  This apparently first came out way back in 1996 but it shows up on the Lifetime Movie Network like every six months or so and I make it a point to either watch it or at least DVR it every time it’s scheduled because seriously, this is like my favorite Lifetime movie of all time!

What’s It About?

Oh my God…okay, check this one out.  So Kerri Russell is like this babysitter and she’s been hired to watch over the children of Stephen Collins who is the multimillionaire with a beautiful home and a wife who has had so many facelifts that her face just looks like wax.  Kerri’s in high school here and she has a boyfriend who looks like he’s about 30 because he’s got a receding hairline and a big old widow’s peak but he’s still in high school too.  Uhmm…remedial much?

So, anyway, one day, Kerri takes the kids out to the public pool and then she realizes that she left something behind at the house so she goes back and, oh my God!, Stephen Collins’s wife is lying dead on the kitchen floor with a gun in her hand.  Is it suicide?  Well, that’s what a police inspector played by Tobin Bell has to figure out.  Turns out that Tobin is also best buddies  with Stephen but he’s still got to do his job because it quickly becomes obvious that Mrs. Stephen Collins didn’t actually commit suicide.  It all has to do with powder residue and a whole lot of other CSI-type stuff.

Anyway, it’s kinda obvious that Stephen Collins killed his wife but nobody notices because they’re too busy gossiping about how he’s now secretly sleeping with the babysitter.  Kerri Russell tells everyone that she’s in love with Stephen Collins but little does she realize that Stephen Collins is busy trying to frame her for his wife’s murder.

Anyway, eventually the center cannot hold and things falls apart…

What Worked?

Okay, so basically, here we have a film where the Rev. Camden frames Felicity for murder and it’s up to the Jigsaw Killer to find the truth.  That right there is what we call a harmonic convergence of pop culture.  This film needs to be seen for this reason, if nothing else.

Also, the Babysitter’s Seduction is one of those films that succeeds by taking its formula to the most logical extreme and  then taking another step or two forward.  Hence, not only is the babysitter seduced but she’s just about brainwashed.  Not only is Stephen Collins evil but, as the film reaches it conclusion, we come to realize that he’s actually the equivalent of that evil mayor from the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I mean, seriously — there’s nothing this guy can’t do!  How, where, and when did he learn to be so evil!?

Finally, this is another one of those movies where nobody delivers a line without taking a dramatic pause in the middle of the sentence.  For instance, the dead wife’s secret love introduced himself by saying, “I’m Paul Richards….I.  Was.  Sally’s.  Lover.”  Now, I have to admit that I’ve often been told that I have a tendency to 1) talk too much and 2) talk too fast and, as a result, sometimes it’s difficult to follow my train of thought.  And to those who say that, I say, “Fuck you.”  But anyways, after witnessing all of the dramatic pauses in this film and seeing how they helped to turn a 30-minute sitcom into a 2-hour movie, I am now much more open to the idea of adding.  Pointless.  Pauses.  To.  Everything.  I.  Say.  From.  Now.  On.

Also, this film demonstrates how — if you’re in a pinch  and you don’t have anything else — panties can be a handy substitute for handcuffs.  So, if your boyfriend can’t quite figure out how to pull that particular quirk off, this movie serves as a nice training film for him and as 2 hours of Lifetime goodness for you.

What Didn’t Work?

Obviously, if the babysitter wasn’t an idiot then there wouldn’t be a film.  But seriously, this babysitter was really an idiot.  Okay — since I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea from this movie, I’ll just go ahead and say it — if the wife of your employer shows up on the kitchen floor with a bullet in her head, do not respond by having sex with your employer.  It’s just not going to look good.

There’s also a scene where Kerri Russell’s bra changes color from shot to shot.  Seriously, that’s just carelessness.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

You know, I always wanted to babysit but I never got too.  My older sisters all got to babysit me at one time or another but one of the drawbacks of being the baby of the family is that there was no one younger than me for me to watch.  Then again, being the baby also meant that I got spoiled rotten so I can’t complain too much.

However, there was one moment I could really relate too and that was when Kerri Russell told her concerned mother, “I don’t have an attitude…you do!”  I used to say that all the time!  The key to delivering the line — which Kerri nails, by the way — is to wait three beats before raising up your chin half an inch, looking down the slope of your nose and saying, “…you do.”  Ha!  In your face, judgmental authority figure!

Also, despite never getting to be a babysitter, I did once secretly have an older lover who murdered his wife but shhhh…don’t tell anyone.

Lessons Learned

If you’re employer kills his wife, wait a few months before having sex with him.  Otherwise, it just looks bad.

Review: Game of Thrones Ep. 07 “You Win Or You Die”

Posted on by Arleigh

HBO was kind enough to allow people who registered for their HBOGO.COM service to watch this seventh episode of Game of Thrones a full week before it aired. I wasn’t planning on watching it ahead of time, but since I already was signed up I decided to just go ahead and watch it. I must say that this latest episode continues to build on what has been a very strong first season for the tv adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s popular and critically-acclaimed medieval fantasy novel series of “A Song of Ice and Fire”.

The last episode was a major turning point for some of the characters in this series. “A Golden Crown” saw Daenerys Targaryen finally become her own woman in the face of her older siblings buffonery and childish tantrums. Behavior which finally got him the “golden crown” he deserved from Khal Drogo (and one which Daenerys seems to approve of). Tyrion Lannister using his wit and cunning mind to get himself extricated from the craziness that was Lysa Arryn and her court in the Eyrie of the Vale. The episode also brings together all the clues and evidence Ned Stark had been gathering about the death of the previous Hand of the King.

One would think that nothing could top all the pivotal events of episode six’s “A Golden Crown”, but this seventh episode surely tops that one with some building on the revelations of the previous episode. It’s really a major testament to showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss at how they’re able to not just stay true to the source material but also condense some of the minor threads of subplots and backstory into an hour episode that’s thrilling, engaging and not pandering to it’s audience.

This episode was aptly titled, “You Win Or You Die” as the fight for the throne of the Seven Kingdoms finally begins. We see the introduction of the Lannister patriarch who has loomed over the series as some unseen Sword of Damocles who holds King Robert’s tenuous hold on his kingdom. It was a treat to see veteran British actor Charles Dance as Tywin Lannister and see him playing the character as a no-nonsense, pragmatic but ruthless leader of his House. His brief time in this episode told us all we needed to know about Tywin. He’s so unlike his three children and this fact has become such a burden to him that he’s willing to take whatever virtue from the one child he sees as his most capable heir in Jamie that he’s willing to forgo all the faults. The scene of him butchering and dressing the stag while talking down (and propping up) Jamie for his foolishness with challenging Ned in episode five was very prophetic.

The episode also sees the return of Jon Snow and his part of the series’ story as he finally gets formally inducted into the Night’s Watch with Sam and the rest of the new recruits. What should’ve been a momentous occasion has been tempered by the sudden news of his uncle Benjen’s disappearance north of the Wall. It also shows Jon at his most petulant. What he saw as punishment from the Night’s Watch trainer and resident asshole in Ser Allister when he gets assigned as the Commander’s squire and steward was seen by his friend Sam as Jon being groomed for future command. For those who have been quite tough on chubby and cowardly Samwell should really have second thoughts about just how useless he is. He is surely becoming the voice of reason and logic to Jon’s more impetuous and “act now, think later” mentality. We also see the return of one of the direwolves as Jon’s (aptly named Ghost) brings him a gruesome gift once he has taken his vows.

The third major event in this episode before we get to it’s climactic finish brings us back to Vaes Dothrak and to Daenerys and Khal Drogo. With Viserys now out of the picture we see Daenerys begin to assert herself on Khal Drogo. While her brother’s dreams of becoming the ruler of the Seven Kingdoms have been dashed with a golden, metallic clang her own ambitions have not. She now sees herself as the true Dragon and still wishes to have the Iron Throne for her unborn son, Rhaego. While Khal Drogo still doesn’t see such things as important for him and his people an event in a marketplace which puts his khaleesi and son in danger finally convinces him of the danger the Seven Kingdoms poses.

This all leads us to the beginning of the “game of thrones”. Ned now fully knows why his predecessor was killed as the secret of Joffrey “Bieber” Baratheon’s lineage becomes quite clear. While more crafty and politically adept individuals would keep the secret from Cersei this is Ned Stark we’re talking about and he confronts his Queen with the news. To say that Cersei wasn’t flustered would be an understatement. This episode showed Lena Headey in full control of the Cersei character as we see her play the role with more iron and spine than what was shown in the novel.

“You Win Or You Die” finally sees an ignominious end to King Robert and his whoring and drinking. What was suppose to be a boar-hunt to help alleviate the stress he has been getting from both the Lannisters and the Starks finally gets him gored by the very boar he’s trying to hunt (though there’s suspicion that his inattentiveness during the hunt may have had some help). Mark Addy does a great job as Robert on his deathbed as he confesses his failings not just as a ruler but as a husband and as a father to the Seven Kingdoms, Cersei and Joffrey respectively. He appoints Ned to become the Regent of the Kingdoms until Joffrey is of age and does so officially with a sealed document.

One would think this final and dying declaration from a dying ruler would be enough to give Ned the power he requires to put the kingdom into order from the coming chaos but that would be selling all the characters with something to gain short. Robert’s not even cold when his younger brother Renly approaches Ned about plans to seize the throne from Cersei, but Ned being the honorable type refuses. Whatever ally he might’ve had to help him leaves the city as he confronts Cersei and Joffrey about the plans of succession. This is where the episode finally explodes into the conflict that’s been building since the very episode.

Some might say that this episode seems quite full of subplots and story threads and might not devote enough time for each. In fact, I was surprised at how much the writers were able to cram into this episode and still make each storyline have the time to make their events important to the series as a whole. While the episode ends with the the “game of thrones” in full swing in King’s Landing, the episode could also mean that things in the Wall and north of it has finally sunk into Jon and his fellow recruits as being truly serious. He and his new brothers must win or die. It’s as simple as that. Even Daenerys’ situation across the Narrow Sea fits the episode title well. With her now the bearer of the Targaryen line and her husband the leader of a powerful army she must also win or die.

Everyone in this episode seems to know the rules of the game their playing except the one person who seemed to be the one who had the most to win or lose. This episode showed Ned at his most intractable and honorable self, but it also showed just how much ill-prepared he is to fight in a battlefield where he doesn’t know who to trust and the very people who he shouldn’t trust might be his only allies. The final scene of the episode really highlight’s this dilemma for Ned and was such a great cliffhanger for the final three episodes to come before the series end’s it’s first season.

For fans of the books this episode shouldn’t disappoint and for new fans it should excite and really pull them in deeper into the world of Martin’s creation. Next week should continue the events we’re left to process as this latest episode ended. Will war finally break out between the two major houses of Lannister and Stark? Will Drogo finally bring his Dothraki horde into the Seven Kingdoms to gift his wife the Iron Throne she covets? What agenda does Littlefinger have and will it be the downfall of one of the houses?

There’s so much to be answered but seeing how this series just seems to get better with each successive episode I don’t doubt that episode eight will drop the ball and disappoint us with the answer (or will more questions arise) to those very questions.

Review: Game of Thrones Ep. 06 “A Golden Crown”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS.  DEAL WITH IT.)

So, we’re passed the halfway point now in the first season of Game of Thrones.  After spending the first half of the season setting up the show’s many characters, it’s obvious that the first season is now moving towards its inetivable conclusion.  Not having read the book that this season is based on, I have no idea what that conclusion might be, though I suspect it’s going to be a violent one that’s going to leave a lot of the characters I’ve just gotten to know dead.  To a certain extent, I’m happy that I don’t know what’s coming up.  It allows me the thrill of discovery, if nothing else.

So, in tonight’s episode, there were two major events.  One of those events was kinda cool and fun and contained everything that you would both expect and want to see from a show like this.  The other event came at the end of this episode and was horrific, disturbing, excessive, and yet undeniably effective and watchable.  (And it was topped off by one of the best lines ever uttered on television.)  This event also gave this episode its name.

Let’s go in chronological order.  The cool, fun event involved — no surprise — Tyrion.  To be honest, I don’t pay much attention to or have much respect for the Emmy awards but seriously, if Peter Dinklage doesn’t get an Emmy for his work on this series then there is no justice.   Accused of trying to kill Bran and facing the judgment of the wonderfully insane court of Lysa Arryn, Tyrion spends most of this episode cheating death and Dinklage brought exactly the right combination of arrogance and desperation to his performance tonight.  Hopefully, if Dinklage gets his deserved Emmy nomination, they’ll show a clip of his “confession” from this episode.  (Though I have to say that I am continually astounded and amazed by the sheer number of ways that boys have come up with to avoid saying “masturbate.”)

Tyrion demanded a trial by combat which led to a fight between one of Lysa’s painfully noble knights and Tyrion’s “champion,” Bronn.  And, unlike most television (and move) sword fights, this fight actually felt real.  Watching the two warriors, you felt as if they were actually fighting.  It reminded me of the that episode of The Sopranos where you literally saw James Gandolfini beat Joe Pantoliano to death.  It felt real and, for me, the sight of all that blood pouring out over that formerly pristine armor  is one that I won’t get out of my head any time soon.

After the fight, Lysa accuses Bronn of fighting without honor, to which Bronn perfectly replied (while staring down at the corpse of his opponent), “No.  He did.”  And you know what?  On the basis of that line alone, Bronn is now my fourth favorite character.

(By the way, I was reading another blogger who joked that Lysa’s legal system made more sense than the “ones they’ve got in Alabama or Texas.”  And to that, I say “Fuck you, you goddamn elitist wanna-be Canadian Yankee asshole.”)

My favorite character — Daenrys — got to deliver a pretty great line herself and I’m not going to repeat it because, with my ADD-addled mind, I’ll probably end up misquoting her.  However, anyone who saw tonight’s episode, knows what line I’m talking about.  For me, Dany remains the most intriguing character on this show and the one who consistently manages to surprise me every episode.  Tonight, her surprise was calmly watching as her annoying weakling of a brother Viserys get killed in such a grotesque and horrific fashion that you couldn’t help but feel a little sympathy for him.

That’s right, Viserys got his crown.  Or, more to the point, Drogo pours molten gold on top of Viserys head and Viserys dies.  And even though I was suspecting that Viserys would die, the brutality of it caught me off guard.  To continue with my Sopranos comparison, the sight of Viserys afterward was just as shocking, to me, as the sight of Joe Pantoliano’s dead eyes staring up at the man who just literally beat the life out of him.  Seriously, I couldn’t stand Viserys and all but now I’m kinda scared of accidentally getting trapped underneath a gigantic — but cracked — cauldron of molten gold.

Among the other memorable moments from tonight’s episode, Bran’s encounter in the woods nicely reminded us — as did this whole episode, really — that the world of Game of Thrones isn’t necessarily a pleasant one.  I also continue to cringe whenever that creepy little Joffrey shows up.  Seriously, I keep expecting him to start trying to drag people off to the cornfield or something.

I do have to say that I’m still waiting for Ned to really step up and impress me as a character.  So far, he’s been a sympathetic but vaguely dull character.  You watch him and you never doubt his good intentions but you do doubt his ability to actually accomplish anything.  Sean Bean is a far more capable actor than he’s been allowed to show in the series so far and I’m betting (and hoping) that by the end of the season, Bean will get a chance to shine.

That said, I did enjoy the small subplot of Ned running the kingdom because (along with Lysa’s court), it further highlighted one of the reasons why I love this show.  Every episode so far has featured various characters plotting and scheming and, in every episode so far, those plots and schemes have proven to be no match for the random whims of fate.  If nothing else, Game of Thrones is turning out to be a great portrait of a society that has fooled itself into thinking that the randomness of life can somehow be regulated by tradition, ritual, and law.  And who, out here in the real world, can’t relate to that?

As I’ve mentioned, I’m a newcomer to Game of Thrones.  I have not read the George R. R. Martin novel that the series is based on (though I have read countless Wikipedia entries about every man, woman, and child to appear in the series) and therefore, I can’t judge how the TV series compares to the book.  All I can say is that, having seen the first 6 episodes. Game of Thrones has so far managed to not only capture my interest but to hold on to it as well.  I do have to admit that, during every episode. there’s been the occasional moments where I’ve had to think to myself, “Wait, who is that again and how is he or she related to everyone else?”  But that’s hardly a criticism.  Game of Thrones is a complex series and one of the few that will definitely benefit from multiple viewings once the first season is released on DVD.  In the future, we may very well remember Game of Thrones as being The Wire of fantasy television.

Review: Game of Thrones Ep. 05 “The Wolf and The Lion”

Posted on by Arleigh

For those bemoaning the fact that the last couple episodes of Game of Thrones had been lacking in the action department and had veered into exposition territory should be sated by the events of the fifth episode simply titled, “The Wolf and The Lion”. This episode still retains much of the excellent writing and storytelling done by showrunner David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, but it also brings to the forefront the violent conflict that will soon engulf the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.

George R.R. Martin’s books of which this show’s based on never lacked for brutality and medieval violence on a scale not seen often in fantasy. “The Wolf and The Lion” finally brings to this series the two lead houses which becomes the spark for the show’s upcoming conflict. The episode adds more intrigue to the proceedings even as it begins a hard boil into the climactic end that should make the second half of this series to finally and fully hooked it’s viewers.

We see Lady Catelyn and her entourage on the road as they travel to her sister’s realm at the Vale to conduct a trial of Tyrion Lannister who she has accused of conspiring to assassinate her young son Bran. It’s while on the road we see a hint at how violent this show can get as brigands from the hill tribes on the road to the Eyrie in the Vale ambushes her group. Blood flows and even Tyrion gets a chance to prove his martial prowess in defense of the very woman who has accused and planning to pass judgment on him. I must say that his scene with the kite shield and the head of a hill tribesman probably brought more than a golf-clap and courtesy cheer from fans of Peter Dinklage.

This episode also continues the show’s growing habit of inserting more backstory to supporting characters like Theon Greyjoy who we see visiting his favorite redhead Ros outside of Winterfell. This scene may seem out of left field for those who have never read the book, but for those who have it’s a nice touch seeing the seed of doubt enter Theon’s mind about his relationship with House Stark and his role as a noble son of House Greyjoy of the Iron Islands. Though I must say I think I became temporarily blinded when the camera failed to pan up and audiences were shown Greyjoy junk flapping in the breeze.

The rest of the episode really centers on the Wolf, the Lion and the Stag. The wolf would be Ned Stark who continues his investigation on the true reason why the former King’s Hand was killed. Each question answered brings up new ones and we begin to see Ned finally begin to notice that he is definitely out of his element. Intrigues, schemes and shadow-games surround him and for a man used to fighting enemies he knows and sees this revelation really knocks him back. The final nail in his growing fear that he made a mistake coming south is brought to bear by his friend and king.

A council meeting conducted by Robert himself brings the question of what to do with the newly pregnant Daenarys Targaryen. While Daenarys doesn’t appear in this episode her presence still looms large over the episode’s many subplots and threads. She’s deemed a danger to the Seven Kingdoms and Robert is willing to do the unthinkable (in the mind of Ned, at least) to make sure Daenarys never crosses the Narrow Sea with an army of 40,000 Dothraki horsemen and the might Khal Drogo to take back the Iron Throne. It’s this decision by Robert and his council to expedite Daenarys with extreme prejudice that finally convinces Ned that it’s time to go back North where the real danger to the Seven Kingdoms lie waiting for winter to arrive.

I won’t spoil the rest of the episode. Especially the last five minutes which really amps the action for this series. For fans of the books this sequence should be a delight. The show has been readily accepted by the book’s fans despite some changes in how certain characters have been introduced and allowed to grow. While these very fans understand the nature of adapting a novel of over 800 pages into a 10-episode series of an hour per they still worry that too much cutting and trimming will occur to fit the first novel into this season. I’m happy to say that the series and the book have met pretty much in the same place in terms of storytelling and further trepidations about how the showrunners ar ehandling the adaptation should really go away by now. If one is a fan of the book and has stayed with this series up to it’s halfway mark then complaining about changes and tweaks to characters and storylines is just nitpicking. For those who are new to the work of George R.R. Martin then this episode should whet their appetites even more for more action, intrigue and, of course, sex as the show moves inexoribly towards a boiling point and the explosion of war and violence when it finally occurs.

It will be interesting to see the second half of the first season of Game of Thrones play out as we finally begin to see battle lines being drawn. House Stark and it’s allies on one side and House Lannister and the lesser houses and bannerman loyal to them in the other. Then there’s the King Robert himself stuck in the middle trying to keep the Seven Kingdoms from imploding as the threat of a Targaryen with an army of Dothraki horsemen looms dangerously on Westeros across the Narrow Sea. This episode didn’t even mention anything about the problems at The Wall and what lies beyond it to the north. Not once did this episode mention anything about “winter is coming” yet that unspoken warning also looms like a shadow over everyone.

It’s going to be a very long wait til the next episode and, for those who have HBOGO, the next two episodes. Up next week will see the return of Daenarys and her idiot brother Viserys in the sixth episode titled, “A Golden Crown”.

Review: Game of Thrones Ep. 04 “Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things”

Posted on by Arleigh

We’ve now come to the fourth episode of HBO’s very ambitious and expensive medieval fantasy series based on author George R.R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire” saga of which the first  book make’s up the first season. The first three episodes have done a great job at not just setting up the rules which govern this fantasy world of Martin’s but has deftly handled the many characters both main and supporting. It’s always been one of the many trepidations by fans of the books that the show may dumb down and simplify all these personalities both big and small for the tv screen. Luckily, for both fans and non-fans of the book the writers of the show have kept much of these characters intact.

“Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things” is quite an apt title for this latest episode as it deals with exactly just that. The show explores those three subjects. We begin with both cripple and bastard finding a common ground as Tyrion (Peter Dinklage in what could only be an Emmy-winning performance as the Lannister Imp) shows compassion instead of pity to the crippled Bran Stark despite his very own suspicion as to the cause of Bran’s fall. It’s also in these scene where we see the appearance of fan favorite Hodor (Kristian Nairn). Hodor’s introduction is one of several instances which has allayed my concerns that such minor characters would be trimmed from the book as it makes its way onto the show. While I’m sure the show will not introduce every name from the book at least they’ve taken a deep understanding as to which of the supporting cast in the book must remain even if they are quite minor.

The rest of this episode really deals with the “Broke Things” of the title. We see just how broken the situation has become not just in Castle Black with the Night’s Watch but all across the Seven Realms of Westeros. The king’s insistence in holding a tourney for his newest Hand has led to more debt as more people flood into King’s Landing to witness this event. We see the broken relationships between family members in the houses of Stark, Lannister and Targaryen. It’s these cracks which has led to corruption and intrigue which could only lead to tragedy for the current holder of the Iron Throne and for all of the Westeros.

Even some of the characters themselves show signs of being broken things with the most visible being Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) whose cocky and self-absorbed personality shows hints of humanity. He sees what his king has been doing to hurt not just the kingdom he serves but to his sister Cersei whom he loves. There’s a brief hint in his expression as he stands guard outside Robert’s bedroom as whores attend his brother-in-law knowing he cannot do anything to fix it without living up once more to his infamous moniker of Kingslayer.

This episode introduces several new characters that should have some impact in the coming weeks as the show leads to it’s climactic season finale. One character which should please fans and make non-fans of the book lean with interest is the “Mountain”. Gregor Clegane is aptly named and comes in as Sandor “The Hound” Clegane’s (Joffrey Bieber’s personal guard with the half0burned face) older and much more brutal brother. We don’t hear him speak, but his entrance and what he does during the jousting tournament looms large in that sequence. It helps that Petyr Baelish (Aidan Gillen great in the role) gives Sansa a brief tale concerning the “Mountain” and the “Hound” which adds some mystery to the two siblings which the writers will hopefully explore further as the series moves along this season and the next.

The other new character that gets some major time in this episode was one of the stronger ones in terms of portrayal. Samwell Tarly (John Bradley-West sticking the role almost perfectly) is the latest recruit to don the black of the Night’s Watch and he’s as far from the ideal candidate for the black as any this show has shown. He’s fat, cowardly and almost effeminate in his behavior, but the character comes in as a broken thing. He’s forced to join the only thing he knows would accept him despite his shortcomings and the only haven from the suffering he has endured from his own family. At first it seems like pity that forces Jon Snow to take Sam under his wing for protection, but as he learns more of Sam’s background from Sam himself the more he sees similarities between the two of them. Only the turn of the fate having put Jon in the compassionate care of Eddard Stark has made him into the young man he is and becoming. It’s this growing rapport between Jon and Sam which really governs the Night’s Watch part of Game of Thrones.

But the show is not all about cripples, bastards and broken things. We see the beginning of the inner fires in both Daenerys Targaryen and Catelyn Stark in this episode. With the former we see how much she continues to grown into the role of Khaleesi of the Dothraki Horde. The confrontation between her and her older brother Viserys should begin to allay fears fans have had about how the writers have been handling the Daenerys character. Yes, the first three episodes haven’t really shown Daenerys being strong and kickass, but even in the book she wasn’t written to be such a character right from the onset. In both book and show her growing confidence still takes time. It just happens that the show just made her quite pliable and weak to start off with. I think that by the time this season ends Daenerys will grow into the confident character fans have been waiting to see.

With Catelyn Stark the situation has been a bit more complex as her character has been given several more layers of complexities with her book counterpart didn’t have. In the book she’s almost Ned Stark’s equal in almost everything, but lost in that was an emotional core which the show has given her. It’s this emotional layer which has added a loving motherly aspect to the character. It sometimes came off as helplessness in the previous episodes, but what mother wouldn’t feel so frozen with worry and inaction for the tragedy to have struck one of her sons. The fire that fans have been waiting for begins to fan as Catelyn sees herself confronting one of the very Lannister’s who she believes had a hand in the assassination attempt on her crippled son, Bran. Her reciting the many different bannermen who are loyal to her house and to her husband’s house was very inspiring and just a hint of what will come next as a storm of swords and a clash of kings loom over the horizon of Westeros.

Overall, “Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things” continues a streak of excellent episodes in the premiere season for Game of Thrones. We see more intrigue and machiavellian machinations than action, but it’s entertaining and thrilling nonetheless. This show has shown that fantasy, especially on TV, doesn’t have to be always about battles and bloodshed (though the spearing of the knight at the joust was done bloody well enough). It’s the political maneuverings and intrigues which will ultimately drive this show towards the very battles and bloodshed fans of these type of shows end up craving for.

Next week’s episode will be “The Wolf and The Lion”.


PS: It was great to see Jon Snow’s direwolf finally appear in its grown form. We’ve already it as an albino pop, but not grown like we’ve already seen with Summer, Nymeria and Lady. Ghost will soon become a favorite with the show’s fans the more he appears. The only one’s we haven’t seen are Robb Stark’s Grey Wind and Rickon Stark’s Shaggydog.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: South Park Episode 15.02 FunnyBot

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest episode of South Park, Funnybot.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it’s South Park, of course!

What Was It About?

Aspiring stand-up comedian Jimmy Vulmer puts together the first annual Comedy Awards show at South Park Elementary.  Only Tyler Perry shows up to accept his award and only Token Black seems to be happy to see him.  Once he’s arrived, Perry refuses to leave and instead spends his time wandering around the school, dressed up like Madea and saying, “Oh Lord!”  Soon, every student except for Token is sick of him and demanding that Perry go away.  However, Token — who has apparently been hypnotized by Perry — finds himself incapable of not giving Perry money to stick around.

However, there’s an even bigger problem than Tyler Perry.  During the Comedy Awards Ceremony, the Germans are named the least funny people on the planet.  The Germans react by creating Funnybot, a robot with a very methodical, rather German approach to humor.  Soon Funnybot is the biggest, most popular stand-up comedian on the planet even though his jokes are simply a mad lib-style of random pop cultural references mixed in with a few standard situations.  However, the world loves Funnybot and they continue to love him even after he starts to violently murder everyone who comes to see his shows.

After all of South Park Elementary is taken hostage by the comedians that have been put out of work by Funnybot.  Kyle, Cartman, and Stan try to talk some sense into Funnybot.  Funnybot responds by explaining that he’s going to destroy the world. 

And, as the world awaits destruction, Barack Obama watches a Tyler Perry movie…

What Worked?

I’ll be honest.  I love South Park so, as far as I was concerned, the whole show worked.  Funnybot was a great creation and, according to my friend Jeff, Funnybot was a reference to Dr. Who and that made Jeff happy which was pretty cool.  I’ve seen a few people online who are complaining that it wouldn’t make any sense for Funnybot to remain a popular comedian even after he starts killing people but those people are obviously not true fans of South Park.  A true fan of South Park would know that South Park always presents the entire population of the world as a bunch of sheep who are incapable of thinking for themselves.

Plus, this show did what South Park does best in that it bluntly acknowledged an inconvenient truth — i.e., that white people just do not get Tyler Perry and that many of us find watching his “style” of comedy can be a very awkward experience.  As well — and this is something that seems to have gone over the heads of a lot of people who watched this show — South Park’s Tyler Perry is essentially portrayed as being the human equivalent of the Funnybot.  Just as Token is shown to be incapable of resisting Perry, all the other (white) characters are incapable of resisting Funnybot.

(I am going to say one thing in his defence: the year that Precious was nominated for best picture, Perry was one of the presenters at the Academy Awards and he actually came across as endearingly nervous and almost likable.  Or, at least, he did to me.)

Finally, on a purely silly level, I loved the way that Jimmy responded to every problem by saying, “But I think we can all agree that the 1st Annual Comedy Awards was a great success.”  It just made me laugh.

What Didn’t Work?

Hmmm…well, as funny as the idea of a bunch of stand-up comedians taking an elementary school hostage is, I kinda wish that Trey Parker and Matt Stone had done more with it.  That said, I love Matt and Trey and I hope they win all sorts of Tony Awards for The Book of Mormon.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moment

Much like Funnybot, I find that going “Awkward!” in a cute little voice is the perfect way to make an unfunny joke funny.

Lessons Learned:

Logic is a hideous bitch goddess.

Review: Game of Thrones Ep. 03 “Lord Snow”

Posted on by Leonard Wilson

Please bear with me. I don’t know if I’ve ever written about a tv show before and as a result, this may come across as being more of a capture of what happened rather than the typical “Conversation With You” style I’m used to writing (as that can get a little long winded and off track). This is new to me here.

This week’s episode of Game of Thrones is something of an in between episode, more of an exposition piece than anything. You can’t have action all of the time, so you need one of these every now and then. To start, things are changing in the map, we are given the usual scenes until near the end, where we see the Dorthraki army making it’s way across the land. I’m really enjoying that.

Arriving at King’s Landing, he finds Jamie Lannister waiting for him. The two share words over the death of Stark’s father, but we have some understanding into the Lannister / Stark conflict. Stark then meets with a counsel of the King’s men (including an interesting cameo by Julian Glover). Together, they inform Stark that they are going to have a tournament, but that actually paying for it would be an issue because the land is facing a debt.

I liked the discussion between the Queen and her son on being a King, in that ruling is not all about inflicting your will on others. She’s taking her time with going against the Starks, but the son really needs to learn that. He’s like Draco Malfoy whining about having to down “filthy mudbloods”. Tyrion clearly needs to smack him up a little more.

It seems like Ned is having some fatherly issues with his girls. One resents him for thinking of her as a child and the other is still trying to prove the truth of Joffrey’s attack on her. I have to admit that I liked Ned’s approach with the younger daughter, Arya. He explains to her why her sister couldn’t back her on what Joffrey did, but at least let her keep the sword. That, coupled with the way the episode ended was nice to see.

I get the feeling that no one in this land really likes the Lannisters (save for Tyrion, who’s fantastic in my eyes). I loved seeing the King somewhat tear into Jamie Lannister about their smug faces. They’re just so uppity (for lack of a better word), that I wonder how the King ended up with the Queen in the first place.

Although Jon is at The Wall, kicking tail as if he were the Dark Knight himself, he’s not making too many friends there. As always, Tyrion is able to get him out of a nasty situation, and Peter Dinklage really has been amazing in this show. I wouldn’t be shocked to see him get an Emmy nod somewhere down the line.

Daenerys, upon hearing about how the slaves are acquired, orders the convey to stop. Viserys catches word of this and threatens her only to be stopped by one of Drogo’s men. I’m really liking how Daenerys is adjusting to her new role. She’s making decisions and learning the language. The surprise of her pregnancy seems to be a good thing, but I’m not yet sure why her advisor had such a problem with it. I’m imagining that this will be brought out in the next episode, but that’s definitely something I wouldn’t mind finding out about.

The ending of this episode was great, with a nice teacher / student scene with Arya. She’s learning to fight, and I’m hoping that at some point, she manages to “stick the pointy end” of her blade into little Joffrey. Of course, this may be a little much to ask at this point, but see there being at least one action point with her in the future.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? (dir. by Jorge Montesi)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched on old movie on the Lifetime Movie Network.  The name of that movie?  Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

Why Was I Watching It?

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? pops up on the Lifetime Movie Network like constantly and it’s always advertised as “the cult classic: Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?”  Now, to be honest, the entire Lifetime Movie Network is something of a cult classic but Mother, May I Sleep With Danger is the only film shown on that network that is actually advertised as being “a cult classic.”  I mean, even something like Confessions of a Go Go Girl is usually advertised as if it’s a perfectly normal, totally serious movie.   Therefore, I figured, if even Lifetime realizes that Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? is a cult film then it must be the most culty cult film ever made.

Plus, just from the title, I think I was justified in assuming that at some point, someone would be heard to utter the line, “Mother, may I sleep with danger?”  In fact, beyond the whole cult film thing, that was actually my main reason for watching the movie.  I wanted to hear that line so I could clap my hands and yell, “We have a title!”

Seriously, I was really looking forward to that.

What’s It About?

 Laurel (played by Tori Spelling, who looks like a Modigliani painting in this film) is a college student who has an overprotective mother (Lisa Banes, who has a great first name) and who is recovering from an eating disorder.  Anyway, Laurel is also a competitive runner and she’s got a chance to go study abroad in China.  However, she also has a really possessive boyfriend named Kevin (played by an actor named Ivan Sergei) and soon Kevin is running her life.  Obviously, he’s dangerous and Laurel’s mother soon starts to dislike him.  Laurel gets mad at her mom before even asking if she can sleep with danger.  Anyway, Kevin eventually ends up locking Laurel up in a cabin that has 8 cross-shaped windows but ony one door.

What Worked?

The genius of this film was that nothing worked.  Absolutely nothing.  Here’s just a few of the more memorable lines from the film:

“Sex, mother!  The word is sex! Sex!”

“You will protect me from everyone and anything now, right? (giggle) Bye!”

“When I don’t see you, I bleed to death.”

“You don’t want me to climb a tower with a gun, do you?”

“I just never learned to trust love.”

“It’s gonna to take the type of time that breaks down mountains.”

And my personal favorite:

“If you’re lying to me, I’ll know by the way you make love to me.” (And let me just say, boys — nothing gets my panties on the floor quicker than hearing something like that.  Seriously, the idea of using fucking as a lie detector is one that needs to be explored.  It would certainly make daytime television more interesting.)

As the psycho boyfriend, Ivan Sergei gives a performance that would seem to indicate that somebody held a gun to his head and yelled, “ACT!  NOW!”  I mean, seriously, I’ve dated a few guys who, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have, but even silly, little naive me knows that if a guy can’t stop twitching and stammers nervously whenever you ask him about his past, chances are that the guy has some issues.  Watching Sergei’s performance here, you ask yourself, “What type of stupid moron would actually go out with this loser?”

Then you remember that this film stars Tori Spelling.  As I mentioned earlier, Tori does not look her best in this film but oh my God, I don’t even know where to begin.  I mean, I don’t want to be all catty here but seriously — when your head is that much bigger than the rest of your body, you’ve got some issues.

When we first see Tori, she’s debating Daisy Miller with a college professor and, amazingly enough, her comments about Daisy Miller’s fate manages to neatly parallel what happens in the movie.  It’s amazing how that happens.  Anyway, once English class is finished, Tori goes running across campus in the most horrid combination of black running capris and purple sports bra ever.  Now, I have to admit that I started running a few months ago.  It helps with my asthma and it’s something that I’ve grown to really enjoy but I always feel a little insecure while running because I’m also something of a klutz.  However, seeing Tori Spelling — with her gigantic head and her stick-like body — running around in that tacky purple outfit with her chicken-like arms and spindly legs flying all over the place, it filled me with all sorts of confidence.  From now on, if I feel insecure, I’ll be able to say, “At least I don’t look like Tori Spelling in Mother, May I Sleep With Danger.”

The mother of the title is played by Lisa Banes.  Her best moment comes when she finds out that Tori is planning on spending the summer in Guatemala with Ivan Sergei instead of studying abroad in China.  She bulges her eyes and literally spits out the line, “GUATEMALA!?  WHAT ABOUT CHINA!?”

What Didn’t Work?

Not once did Tori Spelling or Ivan Sergei say, “Mother, may I sleep with Danger?”  Not once!  Seriously, I sat there for 2 hours waiting to hear that said so that I could clap and cheer and be all cute about it.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moment

There’s a scene where Tori is running across campus and she almost knocks over a few extras with her flying arms.  Back when I was dancing, I did the same thing a few times.  Though in my defense, if those other people hadn’t been in my way, they wouldn’t have gotten kicked.

Lessons Learned

There were several lessons learned.  One of them was that if you’re boyfriend twitches constantly, lies about his identity, and responds to questions about his day by breaking plates, don’t agree to go to an isolated cabin with him.  If you do, however, make sure that isolated cabin has a random canoe sitting nearby.  Seriously, that canoe is important.

The main lesson, I learned, however is not to ever allow myself to be filmed while running because, 20 years later, some snotty little bitch might see the footage and write a blog post making fun of me.