Category Archives: October

“Shark Encounters of the Third Kind” Review by Case Wright, (Dir. Mark Polonia, Writer John Dalton)

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Happy Horrorthon! I have seen a lot of bad movies over the years, but this might be the worst movie ever made. “The Room” by Tommy Wiseau is provably better than “Shark Encounters of the Third Kind” because much of “The Room” took place in rooms; whereas, this “shark horror film (note the poster above)” took place mostly on land, kitchens, parking lots, docks, and a creepy onanist’s basement. There is actually a scene where an incel guy slowly walks down the stairs to his “Man Basement” and puts in a VHS tape, sighs, leans back, and…. he watches a documentary on alien abductions. Yep, that’s all he was up to…watching a documentary. “Shark Encounters of the Third Kind” sponsored by the Carpal Tunnel Foundation of America.

Some of you might be like- “Case, you always judge these films really hard and these people have feelings… probably.” Hear me out, the Polonias (this films’ director/producer) and Alex Maganas (Smiling Woman creator) of the world don’t care about my feelings when they make these terrible things. I was thinking: is there a way that I would be able to give this film a positive review? I think so: if my neighbor had a three year old and this three year old told me, “Mr. Casey, I made a movie and a boom boom.” I’d watch the movie with his family and cheer him on, but this is not the case here. So, this movie gets no breaks from me.
Really, look at the villains!

This Alien Has EVIL Potholders!
I believe this is the plot: the villains are NOT the sharks. The villains are aliens who are doing a reconnaissance mission to earth and there are sharks involved somehow – rarely. Mostly, this film is a big honking crazy mess. The poster is not terrible…. so there’s that.

Another observation: the film is really into doing closeups….A LOT. For example, they spend a lot of time on this actor’s face (below). He is definitely NOT a shark. You wonder why this movie only has 8 minutes of shark scenes. I think the shark scenes were too expensive and you need to make more time for Oven Mitt Alien guy (above).

There is really no reason for you to watch this film. I’m sure that you have done something good in your life- spare yourself.

“Okay Google”, Dir. Levi Morgan, Short Film Review by Case Wright

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His title card was terrible so I’m using the New York Yankees. Why not? We have a haunted house theme in this story where Google speaker is involved. Alexa’s evil twin. The main character is at his house, which I believe is probably Levi’s residence because his films always take place there. He ask google speaker to help him, but she has turned…..EVIL!!!
The main character asks to google to turn the light back on upstairs and he sees…… a shape. This is kinda scary. Google speaker puts on license free music on for mood; so, evil or not- she is protecting Levi’s shoestring budget. I give him credit for editing in music.

The character unplugs the device and it still talks. It’s a good trope. I don’t hate on that. There is a guy in his house who has a cloak on, which is definitely bad. The shape approaches him. He begs google to turn on the light, but instead she goes rogue and turns off the lights.

I meant to watch a horror comedy, but oops – it’s just horror. I actually might put this in the thriller category because there’s an artificial intelligence working in collusion with the evil shape- is that like a google prime option? I mean I’m not saying that we should pay for google to do evil, but I mean….a little evil? Nothing permanent- mild evil like crappy salsa that never satisfies.

I do admit that I feel bad for Levi Morgan because he hasn’t done anything since 2023 and he’s doing some normal job now. His films are good enough. Levi’s not Hitchcock, but he’s better than Alex Magana and that’s important. I hope he makes it a vibrant hobby. Levi is just not great at writing. His scene angle setups and cinematography is not bad. Levi can make a scene suspenseful and I think he would be a good director of photography. He does need a writer. God doesn’t give with both hands and I would encourage him to pursue a career as a Director of Photography and Directing. I’m not gonna crap on him. He’s has talent and should focus on cinematography.

The Life of Death, Short-Film Review (Dir. Marcin Dubinec) – Repost, but perfect for Horrorthon

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Death has been on my mind A LOT the past several months. I recently lost my Uncle and he was a lot closer to a Dad than what I was assigned. My uncle lived an authentic life and was OUT when it was not okay to be out, but in the words of the philosopher Bruce Springsteen- “Closets are for Hangers.” Sadly, he suffered a great deal, but he faced Death like a Man.

In this short, Death has a life- A really really really banal life. He acts out in school, gets drunk in college, marries, and gets run over by a car. Actually, how he died was the most interesting event that happened to Death.

I’m really trying to be nice here, but sometimes I just can’t. You might notice that I tagged Alex Magana; well, he makes terrible short films too and I feel like Alex should get a royalty when someone else spits out a crappy film. Apparently, Marcin won some awards for THIS??! So ugggghhh, I guess people like terrible things sometimes.

Where did the short go right? It had a beginning, middle, and an end. I can write that without a doubt that this was a film that was made. Also, this film had a script where words were written down. I can assume that real dollars were spent to make this…film, which is fine. I mean, well people can buy all sorts of things with cash. It should be noted that as a society we forbid people to spend money on certain things: murder/heroin; maybe, this could be considered to make that list…let’s not rule that out. He did murder my time and patience.

Where did it go wrong? It was boring. I really just did not care that Death had a boring life or that he had children. If anything, I thought it was tacky. I really didn’t find the writing really moving. I never cared about Death as a “Person”. I did Chuckle Out Loud COL once, but that’s it. You could say, Case, you’re down and grieving; of course, you’ll hate this, BUT I argue that this short-film is still crap and the filmmaker is not great and should do something else with his time. Decoupage? Extreme Couponing? Boxing? Whatever, just stop bothering us.

I once wrote that we could stop Alex Magana from making films – he can only be so strong and if we ganged up and brought a tall guy, we could taunt him by holding his camera up really high and make him futilely jump for it. There’s basically TWO Alex Magana’s now; so, we might have to bring more people into stopping them, but we can do this! Left, Right, Libertarian, or Vegetarian let’s stop them- TOGETHER!

“Ring Camera”, Short Film Review, (Dir. Alex Magana), Case Wright

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Happy Horrorthon, I suppose. Why am I hedging? I’m hedging because I’m reviewing an Alex Magana short. Yes, I’m watching this on purpose.

Ring camera begins with a woman in an apartment, I think the apartment is actually Alex’s residence.

At least, I hope it’s Alex’s apartment because it’s kind of a dump and I don’t think he should live in a very nice place. I’m not saying his apartment should be infested with Camel Spiders like this one:

Or 1,000 Camel Spiders that are like this breed:

This one looks feisty. I don’t want his apartment to have Camel Spiders like this one above because he makes terrible terrible art, but what about Cicadas…Cicadae? Anyway, they are pretty gross.
They don’t have teeth, but they’re annoying and terrible like his films. So, Cicadae…go forth and meet your new roomie!

Honestly Cicadae, he’ll probably cast you. How are you with terrible acting?

Back to my misery, the lady has a “Unfamiliar Face” on her ring camera. I wonder if he films these with his iPhone. The creeper approaches her apartment and starts knocking. She opens the door and it’s a delivery guy.
Ma’am, I’m not judging too hard, but that’s a large bag of food for one person. Look:

This is too much food. You should not eat your weight in food. Ma’am, the bag is half your size. Did you get fired? Is Alex making you do a 3 film deal? You can’t fill the pain Alex has created with Door Dash!
Then, she looks around and she gets killed by the evil ghost.
I know that watching this short will make you sad, but remember- maybe you’re not that good? I mean, how many good things have you actually done today? Maybe, you deserve this film more than you know? Maybe, this film will be like a Scared Straight and put you on a better path? Maybe, you just need the pain that this film provides- you weirdo! In any case, this film is for you. You know what you did!

“Whisperer”, Short Film Review, By Case Wright

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Hi Horror and Case Lovers! So, I could not find a title card image for this short, but clowns scare the $#!% out of me so here we are. Just remember, that’s their real skin, not makeup. The oversized shoes and red nose are just to get you to let your guard down before they kill you! Now, you are able to face the world once again!

The short begins with a college student doing some cleaning at home. He checks the hallways and he sees…. yes a clown! Damn it! WHY?! WHY?!

Clowns, between you and me – why are you even a thing? I know what motivates you to make people mess their pants regardless of the season- you must feed, but why?! Can’t you just be anything else and still feast upon the living?

The Clown confronts the young man and…. he tries to kill him with a crowbar, but the would-be victim fights back with GUNS!!!
Yes, GUNS ARE THE ANSWER! GUNS! They are Clown Repellent! They are Clown-Be-Gone!
The Crowbar vs Clown is pretty effective too.

Now, is this short the result of two bored frat guys? Probably, but I’m ok because clowns are a menace!
Yes, it ends with a gun solving the Clown Menace! This short worked for me!

“Cookies” Short Film Review By Case Wright

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Hello Horrorthon readers! Here is another short film review because this is midterms season and I pressed for time, BUT I want to do right by my Glorious Leader – Lisa! I can’t write that I hated this. I must be getting soft. It’s really difficult to understand this particular short, but it began and ended.

A boy scout is selling Boy Scout cookies and a very aggressive woman wants to buy his cookies- if he comes inside her home. The boy runs away. It is a story. It turns out that she’s got man held captive and we don’t know why or care, but the story began, ended, and I laughed once. Considering how bad some shorts are- yes, I’m looking at you Alex – defiler of all physical laws – Magana, which I prove here:

https://unobtainium13.com/2022/10/12/smiling-woman-2-review-by-case-wright/: “Cookies” Short Film Review By Case Wright

Maybe this is all that I need or deserve? Maybe my life should be more simple? My life is subtracting now and I would give anything for addition, but I would need an interested lady for that and that’s hard to come by right now; so, I’m left with subtraction and this okay short……

A Smiling Woman Halloween, Dir. Alex Magana, Review by Case Wright

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So, this is how it ends. This has been a very challenging October. Midterms, illness, and despair…at least two of those things were caused by Alex Magana. I still don’t fully grasp his motivation to make terrible things. Is it money? No, I checked his revenue from YouTube. Alex Magana makes these terrible terrible things for the love of the game and that game is pain. I wonder if he edits his films cosplaying as Pinhead?

The premise is just so strange! A lady soon to be victim is seeing people cosplaying as the Smiling Woman. I don’t get it; cosplaying as the Smiling Woman is like cosplaying as Sam, my neighbor, who is a fine man in his own right, but doesn’t warrant any fanboys or fangirls. Although Sam is a bit edgy, I mean he does wait until Wednesday morning instead of Tuesday afternoon to bring his garbage cans back from the curb and we all know what that does…..a stern letter/reminder from the HOA….take that society!!! I’ll be seeing a number of Sam trick or treaters tonight with his signature polo shirt and jeans.

The soon to be new smiling woman starts getting the texts!!! Yes, that’s the life cycle of the creature. She slides into your DMs, breakdances, consumes you, and you …. yes you are the next Smiling Woman. Never mind that it violates the First Law of Thermodynamics – Conservation of Mass! You can read about that here and yes poop is discussed!

Smiling Woman 2, Review by Case Wright

Look, we’ve all done something that we’re not proud of and we must perform some sort of act of contrition. Yes, you deserve this….you know you do…yeah….that’s right….maybe watch it two times…Feel that SHAME!!!!

If a meme no one know falls in the woods…something something…I whimper alone on the floor.

The Gift, Dir. Brian E-RAD Simmons, Review by Case Wright

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This is the Horrorthon short that I am used to seeing: a true James Nguyen level of garbage. There was nothing on IMDB to give me a title card; so, I went with this cute Crab-Dog. One note about this film is the outrageous number of easter eggs referring to people no one has ever heard of. It’s like giving yourself a nickname. I don’t understand. It’s also just a terrible short and what makes it worse is that it purports to be a comedy- WHY?

There’s a woman who gets home from a bad date and the date is presumably stalking her or might be Michael Myers from the Halloween films- I really can’t tell. I hope John Carpenter does a Cease and Desist order. She tries to block the creep and he shows up at her house and stabs her- laugh riot…it’s like some people want me to feel pain. Maybe I deserve the pain? Maybe they know that if they make this horribleness that I’ll have to watch it and reflect upon my failed existence?

If you want to punish yourself and the pain of 7 minutes feeling like 7000, this is for you! Maybe Pinhead made this film and I’m in a Hell Dimension in the Houston Suburbs?

This is the 7 minutes and change of my discontent.

Rain, The Teskey Brothers – Rev. Case Wright

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Happy Horrothon! “I know you’re gonna say, this isn’t horror! This is Thor singing the blues!” I hear your critique and I reject it! The greatest horror stories especially in science fiction have trauma, fear, and hope. Alien, for example, terrible things happen to this crew of…. I guess…. miners, but at the end – there’s hope because Ripley overcomes. I always have a bit of anxiety at the end of the New “Outer Limits” or films like “Life” because it’s a good twist, but everyone is now dead and the heroes failed- that’s too much like life!

In “Rain”, a woman is alone and there appears to be a guy in the friendzone who REALLY wants to be with her and can sing and looks like Thor. For the interest of Horrorthon, we’re going to presume that- I don’t know this lady’s name but I’ll call her Susan- that Susan’s previous guy was eaten by a …got it…. a werewolf! Take that doubters told you I could contrive this into a horror review- BWAHAHAHA!

Side note: Susan, you’re being too picky. I’m sure that you had a rough time, but this guy even wrote a song for you, looks like Thor, and sounds like Otis Redding reincarnated. Maybe your standards are just WAY too high?

Susan’s boyfriend was werewolf puppy chow and Thor is trying to tell her that it will be okay. He has felt her pain because there is probably at least another werewolf in town that probably ate his girlfriend too. Can you imagine that support group? They must hate Iams and Doggy costumes! The line “Is that rain or are you crying again?” gets to me because when you’re broken-hearted – it’s like the tears can’t stop. “A soul with no face is a lonely embrace” this line is all about not seeing your soulmate again- Fucking Werewolves, we gotta do something about them, but then this song wouldn’t exist; so, I’m torn!

As they try console each other, “now’s there clouds between us all”; so, they likely hooked up, but they also have to worry about the full moon coming- probably. I like that at the end of the song – he says – “You ain’t gonna be ain’t gonna be alone” and notice, he doesn’t say- With me – Wonderful me. He’s left her better off and maybe he will be alone and live out his days as a werewolf hunter?

Out There, (Dir Uncertain), Review by Case Wright

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Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Happy Horrorthon! It’s October!!! Yes, I passed my engineering classes last year; so, I will be working for Big Oil. Huh, my mother works for Big Pharma and I work for Big Oil – hmmm if only I could get my daughters into banking; then, we could finally bring about He Who Shall Sit At The Head of All Tables……BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sorry, I digress. I’m beginning this Horrorthon with a scathing review, but sometimes people just aren’t good at things. “Out There” is 4 minutes and 21 seconds long and I can’t write that everything Laila Iravani did was terrible because in the first 20 seconds there is a title card and everything was spelled correctly; so, there’s that. The other positive is that it was only over 4 minutes long. I had a mild COVID heart attack in 2021 and I think that the heart attack was about the same amount of time….maybe this film was even shorter than my heart attack? So, this film was briefer than that.

“Out There” was a story because there were characters, people, and I guess somethings happened. There were three or four bad actors who kind of could not go outside or the movie would skip. I really couldn’t write about the plot because I would have to do a lot of Laila Iravani’s work for her. Hold on, I’m really trying to be positive…the camera appeared to be on the whole time. There, I did it!

I can’t say that I’m sad after watching this because I love October and maybe like some other years this is the year of the crap short film. I think it’s Alex Magana creep because he makes terrible films and other people are like – “Hey, I’m bad at things too! I’m gonna make something terrible and Case will have to review and I HATE him already without knowing him because he likes art and this will be the opposite of that.” Laila Iravani you made me hurt a little, but only for 4 minutes and 21 seconds! So, Yay?

I got a note that Laila Iravani might not have made this terrible film. Laila, I’m glad that you did not do this. Supposedly, it’s in a film festival circuit going round and round and round. Hopefully, it will stay within the circuit and not spread to the greater world. It is really terrible. I’m not sure who made this terrible film, but maybe that’s sort of its mythos? Maybe, “Out There” is like one of the old ones such as Cthulhu- it has always been …. Waiting and once it finishes the film festival circuitry, it shall be released to the greater world and devour all of mankind????