Clowns scare me and AI used to scare me, but I just don’t think it’s gonna be all that bad. I wasn’t going to review another AI short because…. well, they are terrible, BUT just as I was about to move on to real people- I saw this:
Lisa knows that I can’t turn down a shark movie or Torchy’s Tacos. A shark movie is like Torchy’s Tacos because even if they made mediocre taco- it’s still EXCELLENT. Furthermore, you are still eating a taco; so, how bad could your life really be?!
The short opens with a terribly flooded New York City. Uh oh, here comes a tidal wave and if that isn’t bad enough…. sharks…wait…no a lot sea creatures appear, which are kinda scary… to someone. I got halfway through and there’s something shark-like.
They cut away from the shark to a large squid; so, I’m like who brought the peanut oil? It’s time for some calamari!!! Finally, there is a shark again sort of… and zombies? Is it good? No, but there is a shark… so, fine. The short was all over the place and really tested the depths of punishing me. Then, Adele showed up because she’s….
The short is a fun watch. Adult children go home to split inheritance and the middle-child goes bonkers starts killing everyone.
The film is not listed on imdb, but I will provide a link.
The middle child daughter is arguing with her older brother who wants his new wife to get a share of the inheritance. However, this really doesn’t happen because you have to follow the will and unless the brother’s wife were listed to inherit, she’s not getting anything. However, the movie has to happen; so, let’s ignore that.
There is a beginning, middle, and an end. The film has a strong pacific northwest vibe. It is over the top and fun because of it. If you can get past the legal fiction related to the inheritance and I am assuming that you likely don’t care, this short will thoroughly entertain.
I can’t believe that Horrorthon is half over! I’m having A LOT of fun this year with it. “Finley” has been on my “To Review” list for a long time, but I was apprehensive because it was 25 minutes long, which made me wonder if it really was a short film? Is a failed feature? I think it could’ve been a feature length film…. maybe. The premise doesn’t fully lend itself to a feature length horror comedy. However, there could’ve been a pretty funny montage of Finley training….. I will explain.
Three friends Jennifer, Alexandra, and Chris rent or buy a house together in the exurbs. Chris and Jennifer are a typical post-college couple sort of grown up and Alexandra is the sensible brunette. They venture up to the attic and find a coffin with the eponymous Finley chained and gagged. At night, Finley begins stalking them, but he’s terrible at his job. Is Finley a psychopathic possessed doll? Yes. Does he have an affection for Chris’ tuxedo cat? Yes. Can Finley kill…he tries, but he sucks at it….repeatedly. He tries to electrocute Jennifer by throwing a toaster into her bath, but he forgets to plug it in. Finley tries and tries to kill, but only succeeds in annoying them to the point that they spray him with a water bottle like he’s a destructive house cat.
We enter a mini-third act with two would-be rapist home invader/cat killers breaking into their home and tying up Jennifer, Alexandra, and Chris. When the home invaders try to hurt the cat, Finley snaps and goes full – successful – psycho! Of course, Finley’s new found murder skill has mixed results for Jennifer, Alexandra, and Chris.
I highly recommend this short. However, this is bittersweet because as good as the short was, the cast, writer, and director did not take off in a huge way. It really bothers me when there are really talented people who don’t get the traction they deserved. I hope that they reunite and something big happens for all of them.
What film would Alex Magana make if he were a robot? This is a question that no one wanted answered, but Elevate Studios said, TOUGH, you are gettin it! And get it we did!
Many worry that AI will take over the world and our jobs; well, I’m here to tell you that you are 50% correct! AI will likely take your job, but not the world because it’ll just be too busy making boring/terrible short films. Hey Robots, look I get that you feel like you got a full head of steam here, but why make terrible movies? We have people for that and those are jobs that are too good for you. This short is about a priest called into perform and exorcism and he proceeds to punch the possessed woman and the demon leaves her. Yes, that was the whole film. I feel less now that I have seen this.
I put together a short myself using AI to show what it will be like when AI displaces humans:
Will the Robot unalive us all? I don’t know, but they will sure try to bore us to death!
A girl and her gay friend are watching cheesy scary movies together. He reminded me of my sister’s gay best friend in college. It’ll be difficult for me to hate this because of pleasant nostalgia; so again, my fingers are crossed.
They get a threatening phone call and run panicked through the house. They hide in the bathroom tub and begin confessing the worst things that they did to each other. Then, it turns out they were not being stalked. What worked? I liked the camera work. The plot was good and it had a clear storyline and resolution. It’s not the greatest short that I have ever seen, but it was entertaining. What didn’t work? I didn’t get the costume change at the end, but it was … fine. See it below!
It is fun to review a Chris McInroy short film. They are great horror comedy with copious gore. The actors are obviously friends of his that know how to deliver a joke. Chris also knows how to use a brief silence for a bigger laugh. He’s the Anti-Alex Magana. If you watch more than two Alex Magana films in one sitting, you wonder if humankind should really keep going. Whereas, these are a pleasure to watch and review. Side note the amount of blood and gore are Sam Raimi levels.
Two bros are meeting a fellow bro for kickball, but their comrade has joined a satanic cult. Here’s the twist, all of the cultist are terrible at their job. What is refreshing is that there are no Mary Sues or Mike Sues- EVERYONE in this cult is a moron! Black, white, asian, libertarian, or vegetarian ALL are equally stupid and it is hilarious! There is a kickball decapitation that is priceless! I highly recommend this short!
This is an example of a perfect short film! Sometimes life is just awful and you find that Hell has sub-basements. I am currently in the next to last sub-basement; yes, it really is that bad. At times like that, Richard Morgan, the author of Altered Carbon wrote “You take what’s offered….sometimes you just need to get to the next screen.” Working with Jigsaw was one of those moments for me. It was funny enough to make my brain take a brief break and allow me to laugh. Trust me, if a film is funny enough to make me laugh at this time in my life, you might literally pee your pants or poo or pee/poo them. What I am trying say is that you should wear your peeing yourself pants while watching this and then shower- Don’t be gross!
Thanks Al
The plot is right in the title and you get what you were promised. You know you have something special when the writer and director know that 3 minutes and 43 seconds is actually longer that you think. Why is that important? It is critical to have the time awareness because it frees the short film director to use silence to set up a reaction. In this film, the silences set up the punchlines, but it a straight horror short it allows for suspense, payoff, and even to have a moment to care about the characters. Most of the shorts I watch are either pitches in disguise or worse they don’t use their time wisely to make you care that the characters are in peril.
Working with Jigsaw pulls together the concept of a malevolent force being awful at work. Jigsaw is constantly interfering with people’s work to make them play his non-lethal but horribly annoying games. The HR scene at the end is film gold!
I really can’t say enough nice things about this short. Both writers got jobs working for Jimmy Kimmel after this short, which fills with rare joy! I hope they continue to make short films and feature length comedies- they are truly gifted artists!
You’re not that bad because Alex Magana makes films. He’s like how Alabama can look down on Mississippi. It has been a Horrorthon tradition that I review his “art”, but it is difficult. 1 Million people watched this short, which tells me that WE NEED A DRAFT! Being an Alex Magana fan is like being proud of your artisanal meth pipe or bragging about doing a TED talk about the THIRD time you got gonorrhea. I do have to admit that his film does have beginning middle and an end; so, it is a short film. Someone has to review it and who else would do this to themselves, but me????
The Teacher begins with two teens warning each other that if they don’t finish their homework, The Teacher will kill them. One of them does not finish her homework; so, she gets killed by the eponymous Teacher. I do have to admit that for Alex this is good because unlike the Smiling Woman crapfest, The Teacher has rules and a Strumplepeter message. Therefore, it does have some literary ancestry. It is still awful, but not as awful as what he usually does to us. It’s like a jab to the eyes rather than his usual Mortal Kombat finishing move to the eyes. Enjoy…I guess.
Stephen King has had addiction issues his entire adult life. He’s very open about it. In fact, there are at least three books he’s said that he doesn’t remember writing because he was using more blow than Julie on The Love Boat- the books are The Shining, Misery, and The Tommyknockers.
The plot is that a spaceship crashed long ago in Maine and it takes over the brains of the lifeforms who interact with it. The main characters are Roberta AKA Bobbi who literally stumbles on part of the ship, starting the plot because it starts infecting the town. Gard, a four alarm alcoholic/poet and Bobbi’s former lover, comes to help her and is immune to the ship’s affect because of a steel plate in his head.
As the story progresses, the ship changes the town folk both mentally and physically. The townies make all kinds of wacky and interesting inventions without knowing how they work, lose most of their teeth, and they develop pig-like faces. I told you that he did a lot of cocaine when he wrote this book.
The townies use Gard to help them dig out the ship and there are MANY chapters on the digging logistics. It’s fair to say that Gard spent most of his time in this book as an alcoholic day laborer (maybe he even did some work on my upstairs bathroom because that was done really shitty). I think that you could actually say they were entire chapters just devoted to his digging and things like that; man, Stephen really needs an editor with a spine.
A classic Stephen King plot device is that there are people who power up a haunted house and Tommyknockers uses that to an extreme! Even before I became an engineer, I wonder if Stephen understood how batteries worked? Can you imagine what he did to his kid’s Christmas toys?!
While his stories have recurring plot devices, the heroic journey for his characters changed with his personal change in fortune. The stories in Night Shift and the others from the early part of his career were all about failure: failing your loved ones and failing to maintain control over your life. In those years, the heroes could only succeed by sacrificing their life. The way to stop from harming everyone around them was through suicide because “blood calls to blood” i.e. the family curse. I think that it is clear that the Blood is alcoholism and drug abuse- it’s inherited. When he was failing in life, suicide was described as the only option because the hero was the doorway to misery and I can tell you from my childhood an alcoholic father is definitely the doorway to misery.
After 1979, his career took off and his bank account to pay for copious amounts of cocaine. However, the happy endings became the standard. Money can cure a lot problems, but blood calls to blood and the demons will always remain, but that is what made this book stand out because like his novels in the early part of his career- the hero dies. He can’t save Bobbi and this book was at a high point of addiction. It seems clear to me that it crossed his mind that he couldn’t live with his addiction and that death was the only exit.
Tommyknockers is a messy beach read that is mostly entertaining. If you’re like on a vacation with some real downtime and the Wi-Fi is broken or you’re really into aliens, give it a read.
As my readers probably know, I’m one of actor Charles Bronson’s biggest fans, and I’m always on the lookout for venues showing his films on the big screen. In the summer of 2024, the Ron Robinson theatre in downtown Little Rock screened the 1953 Vincent Price classic, HOUSE OF WAX, which features Bronson in one of his earliest on-screen roles. It was so early, he was still being billed as Charles Buchinsky! Of course I wasn’t going to miss it!
HOUSE OF WAX stars Vincent Price as Professor Henry Jarrod, a talented wax sculptor in early 20th-century New York City. Jarrod’s museum, which features historical figures that look amazingly lifelike, is his pride and joy. However, his business partner, Matthew Burke (Roy Roberts), has grown impatient with his investment and decides he wants to burn down the wax museum for the insurance money. When Jarrod refuses to take part in the fraudulent scheme, Burke sets the museum on fire, leaving Jarrod presumed dead in the process. But Jarrod survives, and with the help of his mute henchman Igor (Charles Bronson), returns to open a new wax museum with a dark and dangerous twist… his exhibits are eerily lifelike because they are real bodies coated in wax. As his former friend Sue Allen (Phyllis Kirk) and her boyfriend Scott Andrews (Paul Picerni) snoop around the house of wax, they begin to suspect that Jarrod has lost his mind and has descended into the mad depths of murder. Will they be able to expose Jarrod’s gruesome secret, or will they become his next exhibit?!!
Directed by André de Toth, HOUSE OF WAX is a landmark horror film, notable for its early use of 3D and Vincent Price’s excellent performance. The film’s strength lies in its undeniably creepy premise, that of turning human beings into wax sculptures, as well as Price’s ability to blend sophistication with menace. Jarrod is quite the sympathetic character at first, but he’s gradually revealed to be certifiably insane as a result of his near-death experience, and that transformation is quite scary. Young Charles Bronson’s portrayal of Igor is also quite freaky. His cold, blank, murderous stare says, “I’ll kill you and not even think twice about it.” His stalking of the heroine, played by Phyllis Kirk, in the dark, spooky house of wax near the end, is one of the true highlights of the movie. It’s also fun seeing Carolyn Jones (AKA Morticia Addams) show up as a spirited victim of the madman! Of course, you can’t help but notice the moments set up for the 3D effects, which come off as quite gimmicky at this point. I specifically took note of the movie’s use of paddleballs and leg kicks! I must admit, however, that these dated elements add to the overall charm of HOUSE OF WAX as a reminder of the olden days of 50’s Hollywood!
Overall, in my humble opinion, HOUSE OF WAX is a classic scary movie. It’s a perfect treat for fans of vintage horror as well as a testament to the magnetic screen presence of Vincent Price!
