Lisa Reviews An Oscar Nominee: Sideways (dir by Alexander Payne)


I’ve never really gotten the obsession that some people have with wine.

Some of that may be because I hardly ever drink.  I’m not quite a teetotaler but I seem to be getting closer with each passing year.  But, beyond that, I just don’t get the whole culture that’s sprung up around wine snobbery.  I don’t get the people who sit around and say, “Oh, this is an amazing Australian wine and, someday, my great-great grandchilden will get to open it when they’re 90 and on their deathbeds.”  Everything that I’ve seen about wine tastings annoys me, from the overdramatic sniffing to the big bowls of spit-out wine.  (I’m not a big fan of spitting in general.)

The 2004 film Sideways is a film that’s all about wine snobs.  It follows two friends as they take a week-long vacation in the Santa Barbara wine country.  Miles (Paul Giamatti) is a depressed English teacher who loves wine and who has never gotten over his divorce.  He’s also a writer, though a remarkably unsuccessful one.  He’s waiting to hear back on his latest manuscript, an autobiographical novel that he fears might not be commercial enough.  Jack (Thomas Haden Church) was Miles’s college roommate and they’ve remained friends, despite Miles feeling that they have nothing in common.  Jack is a former semi-successful actor who now works as a voice over artist.  Jack knows little about wine.  He’s just looking for a chance to indulge in some meaningless, commitment-free sex before getting married.

Miles attempts to teach Jack to appreciate wine.  Jack attempts to get Miles to actually enjoy life for once.  Together …. THEY SOLVE CRIMES!

Actually, they don’t solve crimes.  That’s not the type of film that Sideways is.  This is an Alexander Payne film, which means that it’s essentially a road film in which two different characters consider their own mortality and question whether or not there’s more to life than just what they see around them.  The difference between the two characters is that Miles obsesses on the meaning of it all while Jack doesn’t exactly ignore Miles’s concerns but he’s much better at shrugging them off and blithely moving from one experience to another.  Miles wears his neurosis on his sleeve while Jack is slightly better at hiding them.

During their week-long excursion into wine country, Miles and Jack fall for two women who undoubtedly deserve better.  Maya (Virginia Madsen) is a waitress who is working on her master’s degree in horticulture.  Maya shares Miles’s love of wine and is one of the few people to show any genuine interest in Miles’s book.  Stephanie (Sandra Oh) is as much of a free spirit as Jack and, after spending two days with her and her daughter, Jack starts talking about canceling (or, at the very least, delaying) his upcoming wedding.  Miles, meanwhile, is falling in love with Maya but there’s a problem.  Jack lied to Maya and told her that Miles’s book is about to be published and Jack has failed to tell Stephanie that he’s engaged….

And really, it would be very easy to be dismissive of both Miles and Jack if they were played by anyone other than Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church.  If you ever need a movie to cite as an example of how perfect casting can inspire you to forgive characters who do rotten things and make stupid mistakes, Sideways would be a good film to go with.  Thomas Haden Church brings an unexpected sincerity to the role of Jack, one that keeps him from coming across as being malicious but instead suggests that he just can’t help himself.  If nothing else, Haden Church’s concern for Miles comes across being genuine.  (“I guess because you were wearing your seat belt.”)  Meanwhile, in the role of Miles, Paul Giamatti again proves that he’s one of those rare actors who can take a rather annoying character and somehow make him totally sympathetic.  It help that Giamatti brings a lot of self-awareness to the role.  Yes, Miles can be whiny and self-absorbed but at least he knows that he’s whiny and self-absorbed and he’s just as annoyed with himself as we often are.

The actors even manage to make all of the wine talk palpable for non-wine people like me.  During Virginia Madsen’s lengthy monologue about why she loves wine, I found myself thinking, “That’s why I love movies.”  Just as wine tastes different depending on who is drinking it and when they opened the bottle, how one experiences a movie can change from time to time and depending on each individual viewing experience.  Just as the best wine was cultivated over time, the same can be said of movies, many of which are not recognized for their greatness until years after they were first produced.  Just as Maya thinks about all the people who played a part in creating the perfect bottle of wine, I think about all the people who played a part in creating the movies that I love.  You don’t have to love wine to enjoy Sideways.  You just have to love something.

Sideways was nominated for Best Picture but it lost to Million Dollar Baby.  Amazingly, Paul Giamatti was not nominated for Best Actor.

A Scene That I Love: “The Sword Has Been Drawn” from John Boorman’s Excalibur (1981)


Today is the 87th birthday of director John Boorman.

A former journalist and documentarian, Boorman got his start as a feature film director in 1965 when he was offered the chance to direct Catch Us If You Can, an enjoyable take on A Hard Day’s Night that starred the Dave Clark Five.  Boorman went on to establish himself as one of the most idiosyncratic and unique directors working in the British film industry.  Among the films that Boorman would direct: Zardoz, Deliverance, Point Blank, The General, Hope and Glory, and The Emerald Forest.  Among the films that Boorman was offered but turned down: The Exorcist, Fatal Attraction, Rocky, and Sharky’s Machine.  Few directors can claim a filmography as varied and unique as John Boorman’s.

During the 70s, Boorman made an unsuccessful attempt to put together a film version of Lord of the Rings.  Boorman intended to tell the entire story in just one film but he couldn’t find financial backing for his epic vision.  So, instead, Boorman directed Excalibur, an film about King Arthur which, thematically, has as much in common with Tolkein as it does with Malory.

Starring Nigel Terry, Nicol Williamson, Helen Mirren, Patrick Stewart, Gabriel Byrne, and Liam Neeson, Excalibur is my personal favorite of the many cinematic adaptations of the Arthurian legend.  (I like it even more than Monty Python and the Holy Grail, though it’s a close race.)  In the scene below, Arthur (Nigel Terry) first removes Excalibur from the stone.  By removing the sword, Arthur confirms that it his destiny to bring “the Land,” (as Britain is referred to as being in Excalibur) together.  Not everyone is convinced but Leondegrance knows a king when he sees on.  (That’s not surprising, considering that he’s played by Patrick Stewart.)

Cinemax Friday: Jailbait (1993, directed by Rafal Zielinski)


Jailbait takes place in Hollywood, the city of dreams.  It opens with one of those long treks down Hollywood Boulevard that should be familiar to anyone who has seen a direct-to-video 90s film.  Street performers try to cheat tourists out of their cash.  Hookers look for customers.  Pimps look for new girls.  Vice cops look over the scene and say, “I’m too old for shit.”  A Greyhound bus pulls into the station and the city’s newest inhabitant, 17 year-old Kyle Bradley (Renee Humphrey), steps off.

Kyle’s from Nebraska and she’s come to Los Angeles because she wants to be a professional dancer.  By the standards of Nebraska, Kyle may be streetwise but she soon discovers that nothing is easy in Hollywood.  She wants to find her half-sister, Merci (Krista Errickson) but Merci is nowhere to be found.  Soon, Kyle is living on the streets, stealing food to survive and faking a heroin addiction to get a bed at the local rehab center.

What Kyle doesn’t know is that Merci is a high-class hooker.  After one of her clients is murdered, Merci is framed for the crime.  Merci’s on the run, though she still finds time to sing in a band.  Heading up the investigation into the crime is Sergeant Lee Teffler (C. Thomas Howell).  Teffler thinks that Merci’s innocent and believes that the murder is connected to a human trafficking ring that is run by his childhood friend, Roman (David Laboisa).  When he meets Kyle, he takes her back to his apartment to keep her safe. Teffler swears that nothing can happen between them because she’s only seventeen.  Kyle says that age shouldn’t matter and, because this is a 90s Cinemax film, he decides that she has a point.

In the late 80s and 90s, there were a countless number of films about innocent girls getting corrupted as soon as they got off the bus in Hollywood and Jailbait is certainly one of them.  Jailbait, however, is one of the better examples of the genre because, from the start, Kyle is tougher than the naive, aspiring starlets who usually populated these films.  Though Hollywood turns out to be an even harsher place than she was expecting, Kyle still comes across like she can take care of herself.  That she’s not portrayed as being a wide-eyed or easily manipulated innocent makes Kyle’s relationship with Teffler feel less problematic than it would be otherwise.  All of the characters, not just Kyle, are written and performed with more depth than you would normally expect to find in a film like this.  Teffler is not just a renegade cop and Roman is not just an evil pimp.  Because of their former friendship, they are portrayed as being two sides of the same coin.

It also helps that Jailbait is better acted than the standard straight-to-video film, with Renee Humphrey and Krista Errickson bringing a lot of depth to their roles.  Even C. Thomas Howell, who often seemed to be sleep walking in his 90s films, is effective as the conflicted Teffler.  Visually, Jailbait does a good job of capturing the glitzy grime of Hollywood.  Though it may not be as well-know, Jailbait is a worthy companion to films such as Angel and Vice Squad.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Happy Birthday, Donald Cammell!


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

86 years ago, Donald Cammell was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.  The son of a friend and biographer of the infamous Aleister Crowley, Cammell grew up surrounded by bohemians, artists, and magicians.  After getting his start as a painter and establishing himself as a mainstay of “swinging London,” Cammell pursued a career as a screenwriter and director.

Cammell only completed a total of four films, all of which walked the very thin line between brilliance and pretension.  All four of them have since developed strong cult following but were considered to be financial and critical disappointments when first released.  As a result, Cammell had a difficult time getting anyone to back the majority of his projects.  Cammell also had the misfortune to get involved with Marlon Brando during the latter’s mercurial period.  Brando commissioned Cammell to write and direct at least two films for him before losing interest just before shooting was set to begin.  Frustrated with both his life and his career, Cammell shot himself in 1996.  He reportedly survived for 45-minutes after shooting himself and he spent that time recording his thoughts on life and dying.  Though Cammell died in relative obscurity, his films have since been rediscovered and reevaluated.  His legacy lives on.

4 Shots From 4 Films

Performance (1970, directed by Donald Cammell and Nicolas Roeg)

Demon Seed (1977, directed by Donald Cammell)

White of the Eye (1987, directed by Donald Cammell)

Wild Side (1995, directed by Donald Cammell)

 

Lisa Reviews An Oscar Nominee: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (dir by Mike Nichols)


I’ve starred in a production of Edward Albee’s play, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

That’s right.  I’ve played Martha, the heavy-drinking and dissatisfied wife of a burned-out English professor named George.  Yes, I’ve played the same role for which Uta Hagen won a Tony and Elizabeth Taylor won an Oscar.  Among the other actresses that have played Martha on stage: Colleen Dewhurst, Meg Tilly, Diana Rigg, and Kathleen Turner.  And, of course, me.

Now, I should admit that I was only 16 when I played Martha so I was perhaps a bit too young for the role.  Fortunately, my friend Erik — who played George — was only a year and a half older so he was just as miscast as I was.  (It was, at one point, suggested that I should try to put some gray in my hair but I pointed out that, as a redhead, I would never have to worry about that.)  On Broadway and film, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? runs for over two hours.  The production in which I starred only had a running time of 13 minutes.  Also, the version in which I starred did not feature the characters for Honey and Nick.  I mean, who needed them when you could just watch Erik and me yell at each other for ten minutes straight.

And that’s pretty much what we did.  When we told our drama teacher that we would be doing a scene from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? for our “Dramatic Duet,” I’m pretty sure that I saw her roll her eyes.  I imagine that’s because she knew that both of us had a tendency towards the dramatic and that the main we picked the play was so we could compete to see who could be the first to go hoarse from yelling.  She was right, of course.  There was no nuance to our performance, largely because neither one of us really understood what the play was about.  We just thought it was funny that some of our classmates covered their ears while we were loudly insulting and taunting each other.  (For the record, I went hoarse before Erik did and I spent the next two days receiving compliments about my new sexy voice.)

Now that I’ve grown up a little, I think I have a better understanding of what Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is actually about.  At the very least, I now understand that the story is about more than just two burn-outs yelling at each other while a younger couple awkwardly watches.  I now understand that the game that George and Martha play over the course of the night is not a game of hate but instead a game of a very dysfunctional but also rather deep love.  If anything, I now have more sympathy for George and Martha and far less for the play’s judgmental younger couple, Nick and Honey.

Of course, it helps that I’ve seen the 1966 film version of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?  Directed (in his directorial debut) by Mike Nichols, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? features Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton as George and Martha and George Segal and Sandy Dennis and Nick and Honey.  All four of them were Oscar-nominated for their roles, making Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? one of the few films to see its entire cast nominated.  Elizabeth Taylor and Sandy Dennis both won in in their categories but it really is Richard Burton (who lost to Paul Scofield) who dominates the film.

Burton was a performer who could be shameless in his overacting.  (Just watch his performance in The Exorcist II if you need proof.)  And really, one would expect that the role of George would appeal to all of his worst instincts.  Instead, Burton gives a surprisingly subtle performance.  He growls when you expect him to yell and he delivers the majority of his lines not with fury but instead with a resigned and rather sardonic self-loathing.  He’s actually less showy than Elizabeth Taylor, who gives an overall good performance but still sometimes comes across like she’s trying too hard to convince the audience that she’s a 50 year-old drunk and not one of the world’s most glamorous film stars.  Throughout the film, Burton seems to be digging down deep and exposing his true self to the audience and, watching the action unfold, you can’t take your eyes off of him.  Everyone in the cast does a good job with their roles but Burton is the one who keeps the film moving.  Just as George is ultimately revealed to be stronger than he originally appears, Burton also reveals himself to be a far more compelling actor than you might think if you just knew him from his lesser roles (and performances).

Admittedly, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is not my favorite of the many films that have been nominated for best picture over the last 90 years.  Even when the characters are inhabited by skilled performers, a little bit of George and Martha goes a long way.  That said, this is a historically important film.  The film’s language may seem tame today but it was considered to be shockingly profane in 1966.  The fact that the National Legion of Decency declined to condemn the film despite the language was considered to be a major step forward in the maturation of American cinema.  In fact, it can be argued that the MPAA rating system started as a way to tell audiences that a film like Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? was not morally objectionable but that it was still meant for adults.

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? received thirteen Academy Awards nominations.  It was nominated in every category for which it was eligible.  It won 5 awards but ultimately lost Best Picture to rather more sedate theatrical adaptation, A Man For All Seasons.

 

Escape From New York (1981, directed by John Carpenter)


What’s your favorite John Carpenter film?

Halloween is an obvious choice.  It’s probably the film that John Carpenter is best-known for.  The Thing and Assault on Precinct 13 are two other popular choices.  Libertarians and anarchists have embraced They Live as a sacred text.  In The Mouth of Madness is one of the few films to capture the feel of a classic H.P. Lovecraft story.  Christine is one of the best of the Stephen King adaptations.  My techphobic father recently purchased a Blu-ray player just so he could watch Big Trouble In Little China whenever he felt like it.

For me, though, my favorite will always be Escape From New York.

Everything about this movie, from the premise to the execution to the darkly funny ending, is pure brilliance.  For those who have been living off the grid for the last 40 years, Escape From New York takes place in what was, at the time of the film’s initial release, the near future.  Due to a 400% increase in crime, Manhattan has been turned into a floating prison.  A wall has been built around the island.  The bridges are covered in mines.  All of the residents are prisoners who have been sentenced to a life term and the Chock Full O’Nuts is now literally full of nuts.

There’s a new resident of New York City.  He’s the President (Donald Pleasence!) and he was supposed to soon deliver a classified cassette tape to the Soviets.  Instead, with the world on the verge of war, Air Force One has crashed in Manhattan and the Duke of New York (Isaac Hayes!!) is holding him hostage.  Bob Hauk (Lee Van Cleef!!!) recruits notorious criminal Snake Plisskin (Kurt Russell!!!!) to sneak into the prison and retrieve the cassette and save the President, by any means necessary.  If Snake succeeds, he’ll get a pardon.  If Snake fails, he’ll die due to the microexplosives that have been injected into his system.

How unbelievably cool is Kurt Russell as Snake Plisskin?  Before fanfic was even known by that name, people were writing stories about Snake Plisskin’s past and how he lost his eye.  Delivering his lines in a Clint Eastwood-style rasp, Kurt Russell gives one of the best action hero performances of all time.  (Snake was the role that transformed Russell from being a clean-cut former Disney child star to being a cult film icon.)  Everything that Snake says is quotable and, even with tiny explosives circulating through his blood, Snake never loses his cool.  Sometimes, it doesn’t seem like Snake cares whether he lives or dies and that’s what makes Snake such a strong hero.  He’s wiling to take the risks that no one else would.  If he saves the President and the world, cool.  If he doesn’t, neither was probably worth saving anyways.  At the end of the film, Snake reveals that there are things that he does care about.  If you don’t appreciate the people who sacrificed their lives for you, don’t expect Snake to do you any favors.

Snake gets some help from a rogue’s gallery of familiar faces, all of whom have their own reasons for trying to save the President from the Duke.  Harry Dean Stanton is Brain while Adrienne Barbeau is Maggie.  Brain is the smartest man in Manhattan and Maggie’s good with a gun and it’s too bad that we never got a prequel about how they met.  My favorite of Escape from New York‘s supporting cast is Ernest Borgnine as Cabbie, who is the perfect New York taxi driver and whose taste in music plays off in an unexpectedly satisfying way.

Escape From New York is John Carpenter at his best, an exciting race against time full of memorable characters and thrilling action.  Whenever I go to New York and I cross over a bridge into Manhattan, I think about Snake, Cabbie, and the gang driving through a minefield.  Everyone who meets Snake says “I thought you were dead,” but we know better.  Snake Plisskin will never die and neither will my love for Escape From New York.

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood Wins in North Dakota


Here are the first inaugural winners of the North Dakota Film Critics Society!

Best Picture: Once Upon a Time…In Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino, David Heyman, Shannon McIntosh, producers)

Best Director: Bong Joon-ho, Parasite

Best Actor: Joaquin Phoenix, Joker
Best Actress: Florence Pugh, Midsommar
Best Supporting Actor: Willem Dafoe, The Lighthouse
Best Supporting Actress: Laura Dern, Marriage Story

Best Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino, Once Upon a Time…In Hollywood

Best Animated Feature: I Lost My Body (Jérémy Clapin, Marc du Pontavice)
Best Documentary Feature: Honeyland (Ljubo Stefanov, Tamara Kotevska, Atanas Georgiev)
Best International Feature: Parasite (South Korea)

Best Cinematography: Jarin Blaschke, The Lighthouse
Best Editing: Louise Ford, The Lighthouse
Best Production Design: Once Upon a Time…In Hollywood (Production Design: Barbara Ling, Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh)
Best Original Score: Hildur Gu∂nadóttir, Joker
Best Original Song: ”Glasgow (No Place Like Home)” from Wild Rose (Mary Steenburgen, Caitlin Smith, Kate York)

Special Achievement
1917 – Due to the release date of Sam Mendes’ 1917, many society members were unable to view the film in time for nomination or consideration. The society has voted to acknowledge the film with a Special Achievement Award.

Lisa Reviews An Oscar Nominee: Lady for A Day (dir by Frank Capra)


The 1933 film, Lady For A Day, tells the story of Apple Annie (May Robson) and Dave the Dude (Warren William), who is perhaps the nicest gangster that you could ever hope to meet.

Of course, when I refer to Dave the Dude as being a gangster, I should make clear that he’s not the type of gangster who guns down his rivals or sells drugs in back alleys.  I mean, I guess he might do that but we certainly don’t see much of evidence of it in the film.  Instead, Dave is just a dapper gambler who travels with a bodyguard named Happy McGuire (Ned Sparks) and whose girlfriend, Missouri Martin (Glenda Farrell), owns a nightclub where, since this is a pre-code film, the acts are slightly racy but not excessively salacious.  The country may be mired in a depression but Dave appears to be doing okay for himself.  Yes, Dave may be a criminal but at least he’s honest about it.

Surviving the Depression has proven to be far more difficult for Apple Annie.  She’s known as Apple Annie because she makes a meager living by selling fruit on the streets of New York City.  Dave is one of her regular customers, as he believes that her apples bring him good luck.  Annie has a daughter named Louise (Jean Parker).  Louise has never met her mother, having spent the majority of her life in a Spanish convict.  Annie regularly steals stationary from a high class hotel so that she can sends letters to Louise.  Not wanting her daughter to be ashamed of her, Annie has always presented herself as being a rich woman named Mrs. E. Worthington Manville.

However, it now appears that Annie’s charade is about to be exposed.  Louise is coming to New York with her fiance, Carlos (Barry Norton) and her prospective father-in-law, Count Romero (Walter Connolly).  Annie knows that when the Louise arrives, she’s going to discover that her mother is not wealthy and that the marriage will probably be called off.  So, led by Dave, Annie’s customers conspire to fool Louise into believing that her mother really is a member of high society.  And if that means that Dave is going to have to not only kidnap (but, let’s be clear, not harm) three nosy reporters and then make a deal with not just the mayor but also the governor to pull of the deception, that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

Though it may be disguised as a sweet and rather simple comedy, Lady For A Day is actually a rather melancholy little film.  Even when Annie and her friends are pretending to be wealthy members of high society, the film is aware that their escape from reality is only temporary.  Eventually, they’ll have to return to the reality of being poor in 1930s America.  At heart, it’s a sad story but May Robson, Warren William, Glenda Farrell, and Guy Kibbee (who plays the pool hustler who is recruited to pretend to be Annie’s husband) all bring such sincerity to their roles that you can’t help but smile while watching it.  Rejected by “polite” society, Annie and her friends have formed a community of outsiders and, throughout the film, the audience is happy that, no matter what, they have each other.

Lady for a Day was the first Frank Capra film to ever be nominated for Best Picture.  Capra was also nominated, for the first time, for best director but he had the misfortune to be competing with Frank Lloyd, who directed Cavalcade.  At the awards ceremony, when host Will Rogers, announced the winner for best director, he said, “Come on up here, Frank!”  An excited Capra ran down to the podium, just to discover that Rogers had actually been talking to Frank Lloyd.  Rogers, seeing what had happened, quickly invited the other nominated director, Little Women‘s George Cukor, to come join Lloyd and Capra at the podium.  Fortunately, one year later, Capra would win the directing Oscar for It Happened One Night.

Cavalcade would go on to win Best Picture but Capra retained so much affection for Lady For A Day that it was the only one of his films that he would subsequently remake.  A Pocketful Of Miracles came out in 1961 and featured Bette Davis in the lead role.  It would be Capra’s final theatrical film.

4 Shots From 4 John Carpenter Films: Starman, Prince of Darkness, They Live, In The Mouth of Madness


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

From the day that this site first came online, John Carpenter has been a bit of a mainstay here at the Shattered Lens.  Arleigh has written extensively about Carpenter’s films.  Every October, we seem to have, at the very least, a handful of posts that are somehow connected to the filmography of John Carpenter.  Hell, Carpenter and I were once both interviewed for the same article about the future of horror!

I guess my point is that we really love John Carpenter here at the Shattered Lens.  I’ve lost track of how many editions of 4 Shots From 4 Films we’ve devoted to Carpenter and his films.  However many there are, here’s one more.  Today is John Carpenter’s birthday and that means that it is time for….

4 Shots From 4 John Carpenter Films

Starman (1984, dir by John Carpenter)

Prince of Darkness (1987, dir by John Carpenter)

They Live (1988, dir by John Carpenter)

In The Mouth of Madness (1994, dir by John Carpenter)

The Biggest Bundle Of Them All (1968, directed by Ken Annakin)


Harry Price (Robert Wagner) is a small-time tough guy with big plans.  He and his gang of accomplices fly over to Italy and plot to kidnap Cesare Celli (Vittorio De Sica), a retired mafia don who is reputed to be worth millions.  However, after snatching Celli from a wedding, Harry discovers that Celli is actually flat broke.  Trying to be helpful, Celli suggests that Harry call up the local gangsters and demand that they pay a ransom for Celli’s release.  When everyone refuses to pay, Celli comes up with another plan.  Celli takes over Harry’s gang and, with the help of Celli’s old friend, Prof. Samuels (Edward G. Robinson), plots to steal $5,000,000 worth of platinum ingots from a train.

Complicating matters is that Harry and his gang are not exactly master criminals.  Benny (Godfrey Cambridge) is a violinist who has moral objections to carrying a gun and who also refuses to cross a picket line, even in the course of a robbery.  (“I’m a union man!”)  Tozzi (Francesco Mule) is more interested in having a good dinner than pulling off the perfect heist.  Davey (Davy Kaye) is short, which is apparently a problem for some reason.  Finally, Harry’s girlfriend, Juliana (Raquel Welch), is more interested in dancing than in committing crimes.  Still, Celli is determined to use them to pull off the heist of the century and, even more importantly, to help prove that this old criminal has still got what it takes.

The Biggest Bundle of Them All was an attempt at a wacky heist film.  Unfortunately, at the time that the film was made, Robert Wagner and “wacky” didn’t belong anywhere near each other.  Wagner stiffly delivers lines like, “I’ve had it, baby.  Can you dig it?” and looks thoroughly out-of-place.  Godfrey Cambridge and Edward G. Robinson have a few funny scenes but both Kaye and Mule are wasted in one-note role while De Sica looks like he’s trying to figure out how he went from Bicycle Thieves to this.  Everyone in the movie just goes through the motions.  Even while they’re robbing the train, the cast seems to be indifferent.

It almost doesn’t matter, though, because this is a Raquel Welch film.  Welch doesn’t have much of a character to play but she looks amazing while doing it and that really is the appeal of any film that Welch made in the late 60s and early 70s.  Welch spends a good deal of the film in a bikini and is undeniably sexy, particularly in the scene where Wagner sends her to seduce De Sica.  She also gets to share a dance with Edward G. Robinson, which is such a goofy and fun scene that it’s almost worth the price of admission.  (Regardless of what fun they may have been having on-screen, Robert Wagner later wrote in his autobiography that, off-screen, Robinson grew so annoyed with Welch’s chronic lateness on the set that he yelled at her until she was in tears.)

Even Raquel Welch in a bikini can only carry a film so far and The Biggest Bundle of Them All is ultimately too disjointed to work.  Director Ken Annakin tries to recreate the same sort of frantic comedy that was at the heart of his previous film, Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines, but the end result falls flatter than 5 million dollars worth of platinum ingots sliding out of an airplane.