Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2017: Churchill (dir by Jonathan Teplitzky)


2017 is shaping up to be the year of films about Winston Churchill.

For instance, Dunkirk has been an Oscar front-runner ever since it was released last summer.  Winston Churchill does not actually appear in Dunkirk but his shadow hangs over the entire film.  Whenever Mark Rylance says that he’s doing what the prime minister requested him to do, we know that he’s talking about Winston Churchill.

Darkest Hour, which I hope to see this week, features Gary Oldman in the role of Churchill.  For most of the year, a lot of people (like me) assumed that Darkest Hour would be a definite best picture nominee and a probable winner.  While the film seems to have lost a little of its luster, everyone still seems to agree that Gary Oldman is not only going to be nominated by best actor but that he also has a pretty chance of finally winning.

However, before either of those films were released, there was Churchill.  Chuchill received a very limited release in June.  It starred Brian Cox in the title role and it took place in the days leading up to D-Day.  It follows Churchill as he struggles with self-doubt.  He is haunted by nightmares about the men he lost while a military commander in 1915.  He worries that he is being marginalized by the Americans (represented by John Slattery in the role of Dwight D. Eisenhower).  He worries that if he authorizes the invasion of Normandy, he’ll run the risk of losing whatever prestige he has left.  What if the invasion ends in disaster?

That question right there is the main problem with Churchill.  If you know anything about history, you know that the invasion of Normandy was a victory for the Allies, albeit a costly one.  Therefore, for this film to maintain any sort of suspense about what ‘s going to happen, it has to be viewed by people who don’t know about history.  But people who don’t care about history probably won’t be interested in watching a somewhat stuffy film about Winston Churchill.

Despite a few surrealistic nightmare sequences, Churchill ultimately feels like it belongs more on PBS than a movie screen.  It doesn’t surprise me to learn that the majority of director Jonathan Treplitzky’s work has been for British television because Churchill really does feel like a heavily edited version of a 6-hour miniseries.  You watch and you’re impressed by the production values and some of the performances but you find yourself wondering if certain have scenes have been cut out.  If Churchill had been made for HBO, I imagine that Brian Cox and Miranda Richardson (as Churchill’s wife) would be Emmy front-runners.  But, as a feature film, it feels like a decidedly minor portrayal of a major figure.

One final note: all films about the British government during World War II are required to feature at least one scene with King George VI.  Colin Firth, in The King’s Speech, remains the best George.  Laurence Fox in W.E. was the worst.  In Churchill, King George VI is played by James Purefoy.  He doesn’t have a big role but he does a good job with it.  To be honest, I wish that his role had been bigger because he and Cox are entertaining to watch when they’re acting opposite each other.

 

 

Cleaning Out The DVR: Escaping Dad (dir by Ross Kohn)


(Hi there!  So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR.  Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded!  I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not.  So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR!  Will I make it?  Keep checking this site to find out!  I recorded Escaping Dad off of the Lifetime Movie Network on December 16th!)

One of the good things about Escaping Dad is that the film’s premise is right there in the title.  Not only does it let you know exactly what type of movie you’re about to watch but it’s also helpful if you’re like me and you only have a ten minute attention span.

“What movie is this again?”

Escaping Dad.”

“Oh yeah.  What’s it about again?”

“Escaping Dad.”

See, how that works?

Anyway, in this case, the Dad in question is Darren (Jason Wiles).  Darren is abusive, manipulative, and unfaithful.  He’s just the type of Dad that anyone should want to escape from.  However, Darren is also the district attorney.  That means that, if you try to escape from him, he can bring the entire police force down on you.  He can issue an Amber Alert and he can control the media coverage of the escape.  In the world of Lifetime, district attorneys are all-powerful.  You don’t want to mess with them.

However, Darren’s wife, Erin (Sunny Mabrey), decides to flee Darren and she takes her teenage daughter (Grace Van Dien) and her diabetic son (Andy Walken) with her.  (Her son has a habit of going into shock whenever the film needs an additional moment of drama.)  Erin has gone out of her way to keep Darren from tracking them down but her daughter has a boyfriend and, as soon as you see her texting him from the cheap motel where they’re staying for the night, you just know that Darren is going to be able to track them down.

Fortunately, just when things are starting to look hopeless, Erin meets a kind-hearted trucker named Wes (Trevor Donavon) and Wes not only helps them out but he also saves the entire movie.  Or actually, I should say that Donavon saves the movie by giving such a good performance as the tough but good-hearted Wes.  He and Sunny Mabrey have a lot of chemistry and it’s entertaining to watch them play opposite each other.  The film goes out of its way to show that Wes is everything that Darren is not.  “This is a real man!” the film seems to be shouting and Donavon gives a performance that proves that point.

Actually, I liked Escaping Dad even before Trevor Donavon showed up.  Yes, it’s yet another Lifetime film about an abused woman trying to escape her psycho husband.  But it’s well-made and well-acted, as well.  Jason Wiles is totally hissable as Darren and the scenes between Erin and her children felt totally authentic and believable.  The film makes good use of the scenes of Erin driving down one endless highway after another, leaving us with no doubt that she’s not only on a journey of escape but she’s also on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

All in all, I liked Escaping Dad.  Keep an eye out for it.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Stalked By My Ex (dir by Danny J. Boyle)


(Hi there!  So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR.  Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded!  I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not.  So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR!  Will I make it?  Keep checking this site to find out!  I recorded Stalked By My Ex off of the Lifetime Movie Network on December 15th!)

Now, this is more like it!

At the same time that Lifetime was exclusively showing Christmas movies, the Lifetime Movie Network was continuing to show more traditional Lifetime fare.  It was actually a pretty smart programming decision on their part.  I mean, I love Christmas movies.  But sometimes, regardless of the season, you just want to see a totally over-the-top melodrama, preferably one that features the word “Stalked” in the title.

Take Stalked By My Ex, for example.  It’s hardly the first stalking film to show up on Lifetime and it certainly won’t be the last.  I’m sure that some people will just look at the title and roll their eyes.  But those of us who actually took the time to watch the film know that Stalked By My Ex was Lifetime at its absolute best.

The ex in question is Sam (Yves Bright).  Sam was once married to Chloe (Tamara Braun) and they had a daughter named Olivia (played, as a teenager, by Brytnee Ratledge).  As we discover at the start of the film, Sam isn’t exactly the most stable person in the world.  He’s the type who responds to a trial separation by forcing his way into the house and trying to kidnap his daughter.

Jump forward ten years later.  Sam is in prison.  Believe it or not, he’s not in prison for abusing his wife or trying to kidnap his daughter.  Instead, he’s doing time for some sort of financial mischief.  Chloe has ordered Olivia to have nothing to do with her Dad but, of course, Olivia doesn’t listen.  Teenage daughters never listen in a Lifetime movie, at least not until the final ten minutes of the film.  Olivia has been sending her father letters and saying that she wishes they could be a family again.  When Sam calls, from prison, on Olivia’s birthday, Olivia accepts the call.  When Sam tells Olivia that he’s going to be released soon, Chloe responds by putting her house up for sale, pulling Olivia out of school, and moving back to her old hometown.  When Olivia protests, Chloe tells her that her father is dangerous.

As soon as he’s released from prison, Sam sets about proving Chloe’s point.  He starts to obsessively search for his ex-wife and daughter.  He wants another chance to be a father to Olivia.  Of course, he also wants to kill Chloe.

As far as the film’s plot goes, Stalked By My Ex may be a typical Lifetime film but I still really liked it.  Yves Bright was frightening as the unstable Sam and Chloe and Olivia were completely believable as mother and daughter.  Watching the movie, it was easy for me to relate to them.  I saw a lot of parallels to my relationship with my mom in the relationship between Olivia and her mom.  The film also makes a good point about how history repeats itself and people keep making the same mistakes, especially in abusive households.  (Chloe’s father was abusive and she married an abuser.)

All in all, this was a good Lifetime film.  Not only was it well-made and enjoyably melodramatic but it also gave you something to think about.  While Lifetime was celebrating the sentiment of the holidays, the Lifetime Movie Network was reminding us that not every problem can be solved by Santa Claus.

A Movie A Day #350: The Chase (1994, directed by Adam Rifkin)


Why so serious?

Jack Hammond (Charlie Sheen) was just an innocent clown who worked birthday parties.  Then he was mistaken for an outlaw clown and was accused of a crime that he did not commit.  When police incompetence led to the only piece of evidence that could exonerate him being tossed out of court, Jack had no choice but to go on the run.  Now, he’s in a stolen car, being pursued by not just the cops but also the tabloid media, and he’s got a hostage.  Natalie Voss (Kristy Swanson) turns out to be a willing hostage, though.  She is the daughter of Dalton Voss (Ray Wise, playing a character who is literally described as being “the Donald Trump of California) and what better way to act out against her father than to fall in love with her kidnapper and help him as he tries to reach the Mexican border?

What’s this?

A good Charlie Sheen movie that was not directed by Oliver Stone or John Milius?

It’s a Christmas miracle!

Actually, it may be misleading to say that The Chase is good..  By most of the standards used to judge whether or not a film qualifies as being good, The Chase fails.  There’s no real character development.  The plot is as simplistic as a plot can be.  A good deal of the movie could be correctly described as stupid.  But The Chase has got to be one of the most entertainingly stupid movies ever made.  It is about as basic an action comedy as has ever been made.  Almost the entire movie takes place on highway, with jokes mixed in with spectacular car crashes and only-in-the-90s cameos from Flea, Anthony Kiedis, and Ron Jeremy.  The pace never lets up, Kristy Swanson again shows that she deserved a better film career than she got, and Henry Rollins plays a cop.  As for Charlie Sheen, he basically plays the same character that he always plays but at least, when The Chase was made, he was still putting a little effort into it.  Maybe because they had already previously worked together in Hot Shots!, Sheen and Swanson have an easy rapport and make even the worse jokes sound passably funny.

The Chase may not be great and it really would have been improved by cameos from Burt Reynolds and Judd Nelson but it’s still damn entertaining.

A Christmas Film Review: Scrooge (dir by Ronald Neame)


There have been many good film versions of the Charles Dickens novella, A Christmas Carol.  Several of them could even be called classics.  Everyone from Bill Murray to James Earl Jones to Tori Spelling to Fredric March has taken a turn at playing a version of the famous miser who, after being visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve, changes his ways and becomes the most generous man in London.  This holiday season, I watched quite a few old TV shows and I was somewhat surprised to discover just how many sitcoms have featured an episode where one of the characters has A Christmas Carol-like experience.

Though actually, I shouldn’t have been surprised.  A Christmas Carol is a universal tale and it’s one that continues to be appealing 174 years after it was originally written.  You don’t have to be rich, British, greedy, or even a man to relate to what Ebenezer Scrooge goes through.  We’ve all be haunted by the past.  We’ve all wondered what we’re missing out on in the present.  And we all fear how we’ll be remembered in the future.  In fact, I would say that A Christmas Carol is probably as close to perfect you can get.  The only problem is that Bob Cratchit’s son is named Tiny Tim and any work of fiction that features a character named Tiny has to be docked a few points.

With all that said, my favorite film version of A Christmas Carol is the 1970 musical, Scrooge.

Scrooge sticks to the original details of the story.  Ebenezer Scrooge is played by Albert Finney.  (Finney was only 34 when he made Scrooge but was made up so that he looked closer to 120.)  The men, women, and spirits in Scrooge’s life are all played by a collection of distinguished British thespians.  Edith Evans is the stately Ghost of Christmas Past.  Kenneth More is the Ghost of Christmas Present, a decadent figure who drinks wine and travels around with two frightening-looking children.  Alec Guinness is a heavily chained Jacob Marley and he plays the role with just the right combination of sarcasm and concern.  (“No one else wanted to come,” Marley says when he greets Scrooge at the entrance of Hell.)  An actor named Paddy Stone is credited as playing the silent and shrouded Ghost of Christmas Future.  Let me just say that the Ghost of Christmas Future always scares me to death whenever I watch Scrooge.  I imagine little children in the 70s were traumatized by his skeletal visage.

What sets Scrooge apart is that it has singing and dancing!  That’s right, this is a musical version of A Christmas Carol, featuring songs composed by Leslie Bricusse.  Now, the overall quality of the songs is open to debate.  There’s 11 of them and really, only three of the songs are particularly memorable.  (Those songs are: I Like Life, I Hate People, and the Oscar-nominated Thank You Very Much.)  But, honestly, who cares?  The cast performs them with so much energy and enthusiasm that it’s impossible not to get swept up in it all.

(Admittedly, Albert Finney doesn’t really sing.  He just kinda growls the lyrics.  But that’s appropriate for the character of Scrooge.)

Scrooge is an outstanding production of a timeless tale.  It came on TV at least four different times this holiday season and I watched each time.  And I’ll do the same next year!

And as Tiny Tim, who did not die, said, “A Merry Christmas to all!  God Bless us, everyone!”

Cleaning Out The DVR: A Very Merry Toy Store (dir by Paula Hart)


(Hi there!  So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR.  Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded!  I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not.  So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR!  Will I make it?  Keep checking this site to find out!  I recorded A Very Merry Toy Store off of Lifetime on November 26th!)

As I watched A Very Merry Toy Store, I found myself wondering, “Could any couple possibly be more adorable than Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez?”

Hart and Lopez play rival toy store owners in this movie and they are the main reason to watch.  Hart is Connie Forrester.  Lopez is Will DiNova.  At one time, their fathers owned one toy story but when a conflict led to the end of their partnership, it also led to Connie and Will growing up to be rivals.  Connie’s toy store is struggling.  Will’s toy store is thriving but he’s struggling personally as he tries to deal with a divorce.  However, Will and Connie will have to set their differences aside because Roy Barnes (Billy Gardell) has just arrived in town and he brings with him the promise of the type of big chain store that puts independent toy stores out of business!

So, obviously, the main appeal here is that Mario Lopez was A.C. Slater and Melissa Joan Hart was Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.  The film even highlights the Sabrina connection by casting Beth Broderick as Connie’s mother.  (Broderick gets a subplot of her own, a sweet love story with old pro Brian Dennehy.)  Lopez and Hart are so overwhelming likable that it’s easy to overlook the fact that nothing surprising at all happens in A Very Merry Toy Store.  Whenever they get together and smile, the blinding likability on display keeps you from worrying about things like plot holes or the fact that Roy is a bit of a cartoonish villain.  Lopez and Hart are fun to watch and you hope that their characters end up together.  If nothing else, you know they’re going to have amazingly likable children.

Speaking of Mario Lopez, does he have a picture of Dorian Gray in his attic or what?  The same day that I watched A Very Merry Toy Store, I also watched an old episode of Saved By The Bell and I was once again shocked by the fact that Lopez has apparently not aged in twenty years.  As for Melissa Joan Hart, she’s all always be Sabrina to me.  She’s also a pretty good actress with a very genuine screen presence.  This is the second time that Lopez and Hart have played a couple and hopefully, they’ll do so again next Christmas.

A Very Merry Toy Store may be a predictable holiday film but it is more than saved the charisma of its two leads.

 

Cleaning Out The DVR: Wrapped Up In Christmas (dir by Peter Sullivan)


(Hi there!  So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR.  Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded!  I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not.  So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR!  Will I make it?  Keep checking this site to find out!  I recorded Wrapped Up In Christmas off of Lifetime on November 25th!)

It’s not easy being a single mother during the Christmas season, especially when you’re a young and ambitious professional who works as the general manager of a struggling mall.  You want everyone to have a good Christmas but your boss is demanding that you evict all of the locally owned stores.  You want to find a good man and a good stepfather for your daughter but every man you meet has nothing in common with you.  You’re sophisticated.  You have dreams.  You have ambition.  You have an education.  You don’t want just any slacker.

And then one day, you meet a man who seems like he’s perfect.  He’s a lawyer, even though he’s currently helping his mom run her toy store (a store that just happens to be on the list of businesses that you’re supposed to evict).  He seems to be interested in everything that you’re interested in!  It seems like he’s perfect but what you don’t know is that he’s putting on an act.  See, he not only works in his mom’s toy store.  He’s also been voluntarily serving as the mall’s Santa Claus and when your daughter told him that she wanted you to find a man for Christmas, she also told him everything that you’re looking for.

Meanwhile, all the lovable people who work in the mall are giving your new man advice on how to impress you and your boss is still demanding that you evict everyone the week before Christmas and suddenly, you realize that everything that could happen in a Lifetime holiday movie has happened…

Seriously, if there’s anything that distinguishes Wrapped Up In Christmas from other holiday Lifetime films, it’s just how complete it is.  There’s literally nothing that doesn’t happen.  It’s all here.  A workaholic protagonist who needs to learn the true meaning of Christmas.  A nearly saintly man who happens to have one secret that could possibly derail his otherwise perfect relationship.  A cute child.  Santa-involved intervention.  A family of matchmakers.  (Actually, this one has two families of matchmakers.)  It’s all here!

Anyway, I liked Wrapped Up In Christmas.  There was nothing really special about it but it had a sweet soul and Tatyana Ali and Brendan Fehr was likable in the leads.  It’s an enjoyable little holiday movie.

 

Cleaning Out The DVR: Four Christmases And A Wedding (dir by Marita Grabiak)


(Hi there!  So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR.  Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded!  I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not.  So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR!  Will I make it?  Keep checking this site to find out!  I recorded Four Christmases and a Wedding off of Lifetime on December 2nd!)

It’s all pretty much right there in the title.

Four Christmases and A Wedding was one of the handful of original Christmas films to premiere on Lifetime this holiday season.  As you can guess from looking at the title, it takes place over the course of four Christmases and it also involves a wedding.  Can you guess who ends up getting married and when?  If you’ve ever seen a Lifetime or Hallmark holiday film, you can.

It’s actually a sweet film, even if it is rather predictable.  But, as I’ve said before, predictability is one reason why people love movies like this.  There’s something very reassuring about knowing exactly what is going to happen in a movie like this before you watch it.  Many of us spend an entire year hoping for a pleasant holiday.  If you’re not lucky enough to get one in real life, you can always get one in the movies.

Or, in this case, you can get four.

Chloe (Arielle Kebbel) is an event planner who is lucky in Christmas but unlucky in love.  When a small town hires her to plan their Christmas festival, Chloe is overjoyed.  As she tells her mom (Markie Post), she’s given up on ever finding love.  At least she can find professional success!  But then, at the first festival, she meets Evan (Corey Sevier) and it’s love at first sight!  There’s only one problem.  Evan is about to go overseas.

The years pass.  Evan returns each Christmas.  Sometimes, he has a girlfriend.  Sometimes, Chloe has a boyfriend.  Every time, there is something to keep Chloe and Evan apart.  Everyone knows that Chloe and Evan are meant to be together, especially Chloe’s mom.  Will Evan and Chloe ever get together or will the wedding be for someone else?

Four Christmases and a Wedding is a sweet movie.  There’s nothing surprising about it but Arielle Kebbel and Corey Sevier make for a cute couple, even when they’re not together.  The idea of spreading the film out over several years is an interesting one and director Marta Grabiak does a good job of subtly suggesting the passage of time.  This is a predictable movie but it’s a lot of fun and I look forward to watching it next Christmas as well.

Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2017: The Book of Henry (dir by Colin Trevorrow)


In the movies, child geniuses inevitably turn out to be little creeps at that’s certainly the case with The Book of Henry.

Henry (Jaeden Lieberher) is an 11 year-old with an exceptional IQ, which essentially means that it’s supposed to be cute when he talks down to people and treats them like shit.  In fact, Henry is such a genius that he’s managed to make a lot of money on the stock market and he also invents stuff.  He practically raises his younger brother, Peter (Jacob Tremblay, who is as authentic as Lieberher is overbaked).  He also takes care of his mom, Susan (Naomi Watts).  Susan’s a waitress because it’s a rule of movies like this that the single parent of a child genius will always either be a waitress or a physicist.  There’s really no middle ground.  Anyway, Susan appears to be destined to be forever single but she says that’s okay because Henry is the only man she needs in her life.

(Cringe)

Anyway, Henry lives next door to the Sickleman family.  You know that’s going to be a problem because, in the movies, good people never have names like Sickleman.  Glenn Sickleman (Dean Norris) is not only the police commissioner but he’s also not a very good neighbor.  He’s the type of neighbor who complains if the leaves from your tree gets in his yard.  He’s also not really comfortable living next door to a child genius.  It’s probably because Henry is kind of a condescending jerk.

Henry suspects that Glenn is abusing his stepdaughter, Christina (Maddie Ziegler, who is best known for Dance Moms).  However, before Henry can do anything about it, he has a seizure dies.  Uh-oh, turns out that Henry had a brain tumor!  A genius killed by his own brain.  So.  Much.  Irony.

However, before he died, he left behind a book and recorded instructions for Susan.  It turns out that Henry knew he was going to die because Henry was a super genius who could see the future.  (At least, I assume that’s what happened.)  So, he decided that his mother should murder Glenn and he even came up with some helpful instructions for how she could do it and not get caught.

Now, let me ask you a question.  If you discovered that your recently deceased son spent the last few days of his life plotting how to murder his neighbor would you…

a) Destroy all the evidence and pretend you never saw it

b) Shrug and decide to grant his last wish by following his instructions and killing the neighbor?

I mean, let’s think about this.  By all evidence, it would appear that Henry was a sociopath.  Even if you accept the idea that he had to kill Glenn to save Christina, you still also have to accept the idea that he coldly and methodically plotted out the perfect way to commit a murder and then, realizing he was going to die, he decided that his mom should commit the murder instead.

This is the type of material that a director like David Fincher, Michael Haneke or Lars Von Trier could have a lot of fun with.  However, The Book of Henry was directed by Colin Trevorrow and he takes this weird sentimental approach to the material.  Instead of freaking out over having raised a sociopath, Susan immediately starts to follow all of his instructions.  What’s amazing is that, even in the recording he made for his mom to listen to after his death, Henry is still a condescending little jerk.  At one point, from beyond the grave, Henry directs his mom to take a right turn.  Then he adds, “No, your other right.”

But what really gets me about this movie is that, after all the build up, Henry’s big genius plan is for Susan to get a rifle and shoot Glenn.  That’s it.  I mean, anyone could have thought of that!  If you’re going to make a movie like this, at least have Henry come up with some big complicated scheme!  At least give us that!  I mean, honestly, Susan could have come up with Henry’s plan on her own.

Does Susan follow through with the plan?  I’m not going to tell you.  But I will tell you that the film’s climax features a school talent show.  Maddie Ziegler gets to dance.  Jacob Tremblay gets to perform a magic trick.  They’re both really talented.  Sparkle Motion does not perform and that’s a shame.  Sometimes, I doubt Colin Trevorrow’s commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Anyway, to say that The Book of Henry is a bad film doesn’t quite do justice to just how ill-conceived this film really is.  Someone decided to make a heartwarming and rather humorless film about a child ordering his mother to commit a murder.  You may think it’s a parody at first but no, it’s a real movie.  It’s The Book of Henry.

 

Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2017: Power Rangers (dir by Dean Israelite)


So far, on this Christmas Day, I have posted three reviews for films that featured plots that made little to no sense to me.  Well, here’s a fourth one.

Power Rangers is a cinematic reboot of the old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers television show from the 90s.  It deals with five teenagers who meet in detention and, though a series of events that I really don’t feel like wasting my time recounting, end up in an old gold mine where they find five coins, which allow them to turn into … well, I guess they’re Power Rangers.

There’s Jason (Dacre Montgomery), who was a star football player until he stole a car as part of a prank and ended up crashing it.  (The initial car crash is entirely filmed inside the automobile, which adds some deceptive excitement to the film.)  And then there’s Kimberly (Naomi Scott), who is the mean girl who actually has a good heart.  She’s in detention because she’s a cyber bully.  Billy (RJ Cyler) is the genius, which means that he’s the type of socially awkward student who accidentally blows up his locker.  And then there’s Trini (Becky G) and Zack (Ludi Lin), who are both just kind of there.  Every good group of three has to have two extra people to get in the way and that’s pretty much the function of Trini and Zack.

Anyway, after they discover the Power Coins and share a few moments that feel as if they were lifted from Chronicle, the new Power Rangers are trained by a robot named Alpha 5 (Bill Hader) and a former Power Ranger named Zordon (Bryan Cranston) who died at around the same time as the dinosaurs.  Apparently, finding the power coins has allowed the ancient evil of Rita Repulsa (Elizabeth Banks) to be reborn and now she’s threatening to destroy either Earth or the universe.  Actually, I was never quite sure what Rita was trying to do.  But the Power Rangers have to set aside their differences, learn to work as a team, and come together to defeat her.

Or something like that.  Honestly, this film featured a lot of exposition about people with names like Zordon and Rita Repulsa and Goldar and my eyes pretty much glazed over while I was trying to listen to it all.  Listen, I am a fidget spinner-carrying member of the Severe ADHD Club.  The minute they started explaining the lengthy history of the Power Rangers, my mind pretty much started looking for anything else to focus on.  It would have been different if the film has some sort of epic scope or if it made it look like it would actually be fun to be a Power Ranger.  Instead, it just turned into another franchise-opening action film.  Basically, it felt like The Fantastic Four movie, with one extra member of the team.

I should admit that I’ve never seen an episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.  Perhaps if I had, I would have gotten more out of this movie.  The five actors playing the Power Rangers are all talented and charismatic and I look forward to seeing what they do in the future.  But this confusing mess of a movie just left me with a headache.