Cleaning Out The DVR: Psycho Wedding Crasher (dir by David Langlois)

Posted on January 4, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 183 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Psycho Wedding Crasher off of Lifetime on September 3rd, 2017!)

There were three “psycho” movies on Lifetime this year. I’ve already watched and reviewed Psycho In-Law and Psycho Brother-in-Law, two films that I liked quite a bit. But as insane as the psychos were in those films, neither of them can hold a candle to Jenna (Heather Morris), the title character in Psycho Wedding Crasher.

“Oh my God! She did not just do that!” That’s something that I shouted so many times, while watching Psycho Wedding Crasher, that I eventually lost track of the number of times Jenna’s behavior shocked me.

The first time I shouted it was when Jenna, while attending a party, searched her host’s bedroom and not only stole a pair of panties but actually put them on before leaving. I shouted it again when Jenna started physically beating herself up in her car so that she could accuse Scott (Robert Salvador) of assaulting her. This was followed by Jenna making use of a stranger’s bed, hiding in a closet so she could watch Glenn (Jason Cermak) take a shower, strangling someone with measuring tape, having an imaginary wedding, and of course engaging in a lot of knife action. By the time the movie was over, I was nearly hoarse from yelling at the TV.

The title is correct. Jenna is both psycho and a wedding crasher. That said, she has her reasons. For one thing, her parents are dead and she’s been raised by an abusive aunt (Joan Van Ark) who constantly tells Jenna that she’s neither smart nor pretty enough to ever find a man. Jenna spends day after day sewing wedding dresses but when will she find love? She spends all of her time haunting wedding receptions, hoping to meet the man of her dreams. One gets the feeling that she’s had many dreams.

Jenna knows that Glenn is the man for her but there’s only one problem. Glenn is married to Marci (Fiona Vroom). Whatever can Jenna do to take care of this situation? How about becoming Marci’s friend and then conspiring to try to break up her marriage? Sure, why not?

Jenna is totally crazy but it’s impossible not to feel sorry for her. Her aunt is just so cruel to her and no one else in the film seems to realize just how lucky they are to be happy and in love. It helps that Heather Morris gives such a lively performance in the lead role. While everyone else in the film tends to be a bit bland, Morris turns Jenna into a force of nature. Eventually, of course, you do lose sympathy for her. She just kills or tries to kill too many people. That said, she is always entertaining to watch, even though I certainly wouldn’t want her at my wedding.

Creepy Crawlies: WILLARD (Cinerama 1971)

Posted on January 4, 2018 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Rats are not cute’n’cuddly little creatures. They’re disgusting, disease-infested vermin that should be avoided at all costs. But don’t tell that to WILLARD, title character in this 1971 chiller that started a regular revolution of “animals run amok” horror movies. Bruce Davison, later to become one of his generation’s finest actors (SHORT EYES, THE LATHE OF HEAVEN, LONGTIME COMPANION), is a regular rodent Dr. Doolittle here, not only talking to the animals, but handling them fondly while he trains them to kill his enemies. Rats – yuck!

Willard Stiles is a lonely loser who shares a rambling, decrepit manse with his domineering mother (Elsa Lanchester) and works for bullying boss Martin (Ernest Borgnine ), who stole the family business from Willard’s late father. Office temp Joan (Sondra Locke) feels sorry for Willard, but the socially awkward nerd is uncomfortable around people, preferring instead to spend time with the rats in…

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Cleaning Out The DVR: Psycho In-Law (dir by Jeff Hare)

Posted on January 3, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 184 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Psycho In-Law off of Lifetime on October 5th, 2017!)

You’re probably looking at the picture above and you’re thinking to yourself, “Oh my God, that’s one psycho in-law!”

Well, that picture doesn’t even begin to do justice to just how crazy Joyce (Catherine Dyer) tuns out to be. I’ve seen a lot of crazy people in a lot of Lifetime films and it’s hard to think of any who go quite as batshit insane as Joyce.

Joyce, of course, does have her reasons for being upset. She was overjoyed when her daughter, Lorna, married the handsome and successful Brock (Mike Faiola). She was even happier when Lorna gave birth to her granddaughter, Harper (Brooke Fontana). But then Lorna died, the result of an accident that was pretty much all Joyce’s fault. In the two years since Lorna’s death, Joyce has doted on both Brock and Harper. She’s become a very important member of their family.

But now, Brock has met Tina (Katie Leclerc). After dating Tina for six months, he finally feels that he’s ready to move on and to marry her. Brock is happy. Tina’s happy. Harper’s happy. Tina’s sister, Ellen (Pamela Mitchell), is happy even if she chooses not to admit it. You know who isn’t happy? Joyce.

And it makes sense, it really does. After all, Joyce sees Tina as someone who is trying to not only replace her daughter in Brock’s life but also to replace Joyce in Harper’s life. It’s no surprise that Joyce wouldn’t approve of Tina. That’s just the way people are. However, Joyce does take things a little bit too far.

For instance:

She hires a private investigator to dig up dirt on Tina.

She murders her husband when he suggests that she’s getting a little too obsessed.

She contacts Tina’s ex-boyfriend and leads him to believe that Tina wants to get back together.

She tricks Tina into throwing away a hairbrush that Lorna gave to Harper.

She pushes someone out of a window.

She lies to Tina about what time Harper gets out of school, causing Tina to look irresponsible when she doesn’t pick Harper up.

She tries to poison Tina.

She utters every passive aggressive comment that pops into her mind.

She cases Tina around with a big knife…

Yes, Joyce does taking things just a little bit too far.

Anyway, Catherine Dyer’s completely and totally twisted performance as Joyce is the main reason to watch Psycho In-Law. She totally throws herself into the role and she’s a lot of fun to watch. That said, my favorite character — and the one to whom I definitely related — was Tina’s sister, Ellen. As played by Pamela Mitchell, Ellen had a sarcastic quip for every occasion. I related.

Psycho In-Law, of course, was followed by Psycho Brother-in-Law. I’m looking forward to Psycho Second Cousin sometime this summer.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Psycho Brother-in-Law (dir by Jose Montesinos)

Posted on January 3, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 186 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Psycho Brother-in-Law off of the Lifetime Movie Network on December 28th, 2017!)

From our friends at the Asylum comes a film about love, marriage, family, and murder!

You may think that Eric (Mike Duff) has the perfect life. He’s got a good job and a nice house. He has a loving wife named Kay (Brittany Falardeau) and an intelligent teenage daughter named Laura (Megan Ashley Brown). Good for Eric, right?

However, scratch the surface and you start to discover that things aren’t quite as perfect as they may appear.

Eric’s good job is keeping him away from his home and his family. That nice house isn’t cheap and it’s big enough to store a lot of hurt feelings.

He sees his wife Kay (Brittany Falardeau) so sporadically that she has been reduced to scheduling sex with him. “After date night?”

Laura, meanwhile, is dating Ron (Billy Meade) and we all know that Ron is bad news because he plays the guitar and he’s always hanging out in the high school’s hallway, instead of actually going to class. Eric says that he thinks Ron is a punk. Kay thinks Eric is overprotective.

And then, there’s David.

David (Zack Gold) is Eric’s brother. One night, he mysteriously shows up at the front door, needing some place to stay. At first, David seems like a good guy to have around the house. He’s seems to be a nice guy. He’s good at fixing stuff. When Eric misses date night, David takes Kay to a movie. When Laura rolls her eyes a little too much at her mom, David reminds Laura about how hard Kay has been working.

But there are little hints that David has some issues. For one thing, he has trouble holding down a job and he’s remarkably tight-lipped about what he’s been doing for the past few years. For another thing, Eric doesn’t seem to be too happy to see him, even though David is always willing to beat up anyone who gives his brother a hard time. It seems that David is a bit overprotective himself. He’s the type of guy who you never know whether he’s going to use a wrench to fix the sink or to bash your head in.

Of course, the main clue that we have that something is wrong with David is the title of the movie. Since David and Eric are the only brothers in the film and Eric is the only one of them who is married, it doesn’t take much thought to figure out who is going to be the psycho…

BUT NO MATTER! I love Asylum films like this. The Asylum is so shameless and unapologetic about embracing the melodrama that you can’t help but love them. I fell in love with this film as soon as David’s eyes bugged out when some fat slob accidentally bumped into Eric at the bar. I was like, “Yes, this movie is totally going to live up to its title!”

And it did! This was a fun movie, with Zack Gold totally turning it up to 11 in the role of the psycho brother-in-law. According to the imdb, it only cost $200,000 to produce Psycho Brother-in-Law. It was money well spent.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Cradle Swapping (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on January 3, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This year, there was a surprisingly large number of Lifetime films about babies either getting kidnapped or switched at birth. If Lifetime films tend to use to melodrama to bring to life the fears of its audiences, 2017 was a year when everyone was scared about who or what their baby would grow up to be.

In Cradle Swapping, Grandma (played by Patrika Darbo) takes one look at the baby that her daughter has brought home from the hospital and announces that it doesn’t look anything like her supposed parents. Needless to say, neither Alicia (Amanda Clayton) or Ray (Brandon Barash) are happy to hear this. They argue that all babies look the same.

No, Grandma says, all of her babies looked exactly like her.

Of course, that’s not the only time that Grandma points this out. Later, after Alicia and Ray have just returned from the hospital with their baby, Grandma takes another look at it and announces that the baby still looks nothing like her mother or father. This time, Alicia gets even more upset about it. “Way to go,” everyone tells Grandma.

Grandma actually has a pretty good point but it’s understandable why Alicia doesn’t want to hear it. Alicia already has a lot to deal with. Baby Hannah refuses to look her in the eye. Baby Hannah refuses to breastfeed. Baby Hannah is always crying. When Alicia and Ray take Hannah to the hospital, a doctor demands to know if Alicia has ever used drugs. “Just in college,” Alicia replies, “experimenting.”

It turns out that Hannah is going through opioid withdrawal!

At first, Ray blames Alicia for taking prescription medication. Alicia blames Ray for not being supportive. Maybe they should be redirecting their blame at hospital…

See, it turns out that Hannah is not their baby. Instead, their baby was taken by the incredibly sleazy Tony (Tyler Johnson), who left another baby in her place. Getting little help from the hospital or the authorities, Alicia and Ray take matters into their own hands, setting out to track down Tony and find their baby. However, what they don’t know is that Tony is involved in a much bigger conspiracy than they even suspect….

I have to admit that I liked Cradle Swapping more than I thought I would. Amanda Clayton and Brandon Barash were sympathetic as the parents and they were easy to relate to. I appreciated the fact that they started the movie in over their heads and they were still in over their heads when the movie ended. They never turned into action heroes or superhuman investigators. Instead, they were just two ordinary parents trying to find their baby. You want them to succeed and the end result is an above average Lifetime film.

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Wrong Mother (dir by Craig Goldstein)

Posted on January 3, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 187 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded The Wrong Mother off of Lifetime on April 8th, 2017!)

(aka The Wrong Mother)

The Wrong Mother is a pretty typical example of a type of Lifetime movie that I like to call a “Trust No One Film.”

These films always deal with the same basic plot. Take a perfect family, consisting of a perfect wife, a perfect husband, at least one perfect kid, and a perfectly outspoken best friend. Open the film by establishing that they all live in a perfect house. Then, the wife makes the mistake of inviting a seemingly friendly person into the house and suddenly, things aren’t so perfect anymore. Suddenly, the husband is being tempted. The wife is being deceived. The children are being brainwashed. And the best friend usually ends up either dead or in the hospital. It all happened because the wife trusted someone. If only she had been willing to embrace her paranoia.

In The Wrong Mother, the perfect wife is Kaylene (Vanessa Marcil), who is run down by a SUV one day while she’s out jogging. The perfect husband is Drew (Stephen Snedden), who works as an airline pilot and is often not home. The perfect best friend is Samantha (Elizabeth Bond), who immediately realizes that the key to Kaylene’s recovery will be Kaylene washing her hair and not spending too much time in bed. The two perfect children are twins and they’re just adorable. And the perfect stranger is a nurse named Vanessa (Brooke Nevin). After meeting Kaylene and Drew in the hospital, she talks them into hiring her as a home care giver. Soon, Vanessa is lounging around the pool in a bikini and forcing Kaylene to take all sorts of pills. Vanessa is so dangerous that she even wears Lolita-style sunglasses. Samantha suspects that Vanessa might be hiding something…

And she’s right!

For one thing, Vanessa isn’t actually a nurse. She’s just someone who was hanging out around the hospital. For another thing, she knows that Kaylene had the twins via in vitro fertilization. In fact, Vanessa donated the eggs. Now, Vanessa wants the children for her own and she’s willing to go to any lengths to get them, even murder.

The lesson here? TRUST NO ONE!

Anyway, The Wrong Mother is a fairly typical Lifetime film. Once you’ve seen enough of these films, it becomes fairly easy to predict everything that’s going to happen and that certainly was the case with The Wrong Mother. (At this point, I can usually guess how many commercial breaks will pass before the best friend has an unfortunate “accident.”) The main reason to watch this movie is for the performance of Brooke Nevin, who delivers her snarky asides and rolls her eyes with such enthusiasm that she provides The Wrong Mother with a few enjoyable sparks.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Stage Fright (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on January 2, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 188 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Stage Fright off of the Lifetime Movie Network on January 29th, 2017!)

(aka Stage Fright)

Right above this sentence, you’ll see the original “poster art” for the film that was eventually broadcast on the Lifetime Movie Network as Stage Fright. Even though the title changed (and personally, I think Stage Fright does carry a bit more oomph than Her Final Bow), I love this poster. It’s just so melodramatic and I like how the stalker’s blue eye is staring straight at the viewer. Even though the scene itself never actually occurs in the film, the poster still tells you everything that you need to know about this movie. If I saw a paperback novel with this poster as the cover, I would definitely buy it and probably read it in one sitting.

Stage Fright tells the story of Sarah Conrade (Jordan Ladd). At one time, Sarah was one of the most popular and famous opera singers in the world. But then she was attacked by an obsessed fan. Though he was subsequently gunned down by the police, he left Sarah with scars that are both physical and mental. After she had a nervous breakdown, Sarah retired from performing and devoted her time to raising her daughter, Haley (Savannah Osborn). However, one day, Sarah gets a call from a producer, letting her know that another singer is planning to perform Sarah’s signature songs and claim them as her own. Though Sarah may be frightened of stepping back out on the stage, she’s a performer and she has her pride. Sarah agrees to make a comeback and perform for one night only.

A lot of people are happy to hear this but it’s debatable whether any of them are as happy as Kevin (Peter Stickles). Kevin works in a music store and he is one of Sarah’s biggest fans. When she happens to step into the store, he not only tells her that he listens to her voice regularly but he also contrives to take a quick look in her purse. Of course, Kevin also has a shrine to her in his house. That’s … well, that’s a little bit creepy…

Audiences have waited for years for Sarah to make a comeback and now that she’s making it, the people around her are mysteriously dying. The police even suspect that Sarah might have something to do with it. Of course, we suspect the truth…

State Fright was directed by Fred Olen Ray, who is a veteran of these type of thrillers and who specializes in giving the audience what it wants. In this case, the audience wants melodrama and Stage Fright certainly delivers that. (Ray also delivers some effectively creepy shots of characters running around in the dank, lower levels of the opera house.) Personally, I would have liked it if there had been a little more mystery about the identity of Sarah’s stalker but Jordan Ladd gave a good performance as Sarah and the mother-daughter relationship between Sarah and Haley felt real. This is an entertaining little Lifetime movie that delivers exactly what it promises.

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Sandman (dir by Peter Sullivan)

Posted on January 2, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 189 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded The Sandman off of the SyFy on October 14th!)

Madison (Shae Smolik) is a little girl who appears to have some issues.

For instance, her father just died under the most mysterious of circumstances. One of the last things that he did before he died was get paranoid when a police car drove by him. He was carrying a gun when he died, as well. Also, he died right in front of Madison.

Madison ends up at the hospital, where she has violent nightmares and struggles so much with the doctors and the orderlies that she has to be strapped down. Since both of her parents are dead, a call is made to her Aunt Claire (Haylie Duff). Claire is willing to adopt Madison but Child Protective Services is a bit less enthusiastic. Claire is unmarried and hasn’t always been the most responsible adult. She currently works as a photographer, taking pictures of aspiring Bettie Pages in her garage. Can Claire not only prove herself to be a good mother but also solve the mystery of what happened to Madison’s father?

You probably read that plot description and thought to yourself, “That sounds like a typical Lifetime film.” And certainly, there is a bit of Lifetime to be found in this SyFy movie. Peter Sullivan has produced, written, and directed several films that have appeared on both SyFy and Lifetime. Haylie Duff is a regular Lifetime actress. For a financially struggling photographer, Claire certainly does live in a nice, big house, which is one of the most familiar signs that you might be watching Lifetime film.

However, make no doubt about it, this is definitely not a Lifetime film.

You see, the reason why Madison is a nightmare to deal with it is because she’s linked to a monster. The reason why Madison is an orphan is because the monster killed her father. And now that Madison is living with Claire, the monster is coming for both of them.

And what a monster! Seriously, the Sandman is about as frightening as a SyFy monster can get. As you can probably guess from the name, he’s made of sand. The best way to avoid him, of course, would be to go some place where there is no sand but good luck with that. SAND IS EVERYWHERE! The Sandman pops up whenever Madison is in danger.

Nosy neighbor wants to know about Madison’s father? Here comes the Sandman, pouring in through the kitchen faucet!

Hospital doctor planning on recommending that Madison be institutionalized? Sandman!

In fact, anyone who poses a threat to Madison, whether real or perceived, can expect a visit from the Sandman.

Tobin Bell plays Valentine, a government agent who thinks that Madison could be weaponized. He’s probably right but seriously, everyone should know better than to mess with the Sandman. That said, it’s always fun when Tobin Bell is in one of these movies. He’s just such a good villain.

The Sandman was a good mix of Lifetime family melodrama and SyFy horror. As the aunt and the seriously disturbed niece, Haylie Duff and Shae Smolik were believable and sympathetic and the Sandman made for a memorable monster. Watch this movie the next time you’re planning on spending a weekend at the beach.

Get Your Motor Runnin’ with THE WILD ANGELS (AIP 1966)

Posted on January 2, 2018 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Roger Corman kicked off the outlaw biker film genre with THE WILD ANGELS, setting the template for all biker flicks to come. Sure, there had been motorcycle movies before: Marlon Brando in THE WILD ONE and the low-budget MOTORCYCLE GANG spring to mind. But THE WILD ANGELS busted open box offices on the Grindhouse and Drive-In circuits, and soon an army of outlaw bikers roared into a theater near you! There was BORN LOSERS , DEVIL’S ANGELS, THE GLORY STOMPERS , REBEL ROUSERS, ANGELS FROM HELL, and dozens more straight into the mid-70’s, when the cycle cycle revved its last rev. But Corman’s saga of the freewheeling Angels was there first; as always, Rapid Roger was the leader of the pack.

Our movie begins with the classic fuzz-tone guitar sound of Davie Allen, as Angels president Heavenly Blues (Peter Fonda ) rolls down the road to pick up club…

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Cleaning Out The DVR: Neverknock (dir by Sheldon Wilson)

Posted on January 2, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 190 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded NeverKnock off of the SyFy on October 16th!)

Sitting in a small town, there’s a deserted and dilapidated house. The address is 59 Oakwood Lane. In 1986, three teenagers were found dead in the house. Carved in their backs were three words: “Never never knock.” Forty years later, the murders remain unsolved but everyone has heard the legend. If you knock on the door, the Never Knock Creature comes to life and uses your own fears to kill not only you but also all of your friends…

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. “Easy solution to this problem! Don’t knock on the freaking door!”

But let’s be honest here. If I lived in that town, I probably wouldn’t knock on that door but I’d sure as Hell beg all of my friends to do it. After all, who wouldn’t want to see what would happen? When I was in college, there was a legend that one of the hallways of my dorm was haunted by Wicked Wanda. They said Wicked Wanda could kill you but I still begged my roommate to go look for her. Urban legends are like wet paint signs. You have to encourage people you know to test them.

Needless to say, that is what happens in Neverknock. Grace (Dominque Provost-Chalkley) is the new girl in town. She’s still struggling to recover from a personal tragedy. Her best friend, Leah (Jodelle Ferland), invites her to spend Halloween night with her and her friends. Grace agrees but she makes the mistake of bringing along her bratty younger sister, Jenna (Lola Flanery). Jenna dresses up like the devil for Halloween and she soon proves that it’s not a totally inappropriate costume by knocking on the door to 59 Oakwood Lane. The Never Knock Creature comes to life, Jenna promptly disappears, and Leah, Grace, and all their friends find themselves being stalked by a creature that uses their worst fears to kill them.

(So, if the Never Knock Creature came after me, I’d have to worry about heights, drowning, dogs, fire, deserted barns, dead wasps lying unseen in the carpet, odd numbers, and the wire popping out of my favorite bra and stabbing me. Good to know.)

Anyway, I liked Neverknock. As is typical of Sheldon Wilson’s SyFy film, Neverknock has a ton of atmosphere and the pace never lags. Wilson changes things up a little in this movie by having the fright scenes occur during both the day and the night. For some reason, to me, it’s even scarier when someone gets attacked by an evil creature during the middle of the day. Even with the sun out and hundreds of people around, there’s no escape from the Never Knock Creature. Admittedly, Neverknock‘s characters are not exactly the most complex group of people to show up in a horror film. For the most part, they’re just teenagers who don’t understand that importance to staying together in one group while being stalked by a demonic force. But the cast is made up of appealing performers and veteran actor Nicholas Campbell makes a welcome appearance. You don’t want to see any of them die and that’s really all that a movie like this demands.

And finally, the Never Knock Creature is seriously creepy! When he first responds to Jenna knocking on that door … AGCK!

All in all, this was a good SyFy horror film.