Lifetime Film Review: Cheer Squad Secrets (dir by David Longlois)

Posted on November 26, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s a dangerous life, being a cheerleader.

Most people already know that from watching countless horror movies and Lifetime films. Of course, I know that because my sister was a cheerleader and she told me about all of the dangerous things went on once the cheering stopped. I was often invited to become a cheerleader when I was in high school. At the time, I refused because I wanted to carve out my own identity and all of that other good stuff. Looking back, though, I should have refused because apparently, there’s nothing more dangerous than being a cheerleader in high school.

Take Cheer Squad Secrets, for instance. In this film, Coach Nina (Anita Brown) is so obsessed with winning a championship and also so haunted by her own traumatic experiences as a cheerleader that she ends up giving the members of the squad steroids in order to make sure that they’re always performing at 110%. Unfortunately, steroids also leads to mood swings, violence, sprained arms, and potential jail time! Nina, however, is so obsessed with winning a championship that she’s even willing to commit murder to make sure that everyone gets their “supplements.” She shows no hesitation when it comes time to stab a drug dealer to death. And when it looks like some bothersome bystander might reveal the squad’s secrets, Nina promptly drowns her in a swimming pool.

And you know what? It’s easy to say that Coach Nina is crazy and that she’s taking things too far but Nina gets results! I mean, I made my sister watch this movie with me and she agreed that Nina was definitely putting together a championship-worthy squad. Nina may have been a bit intense and she may have been a bit unconventional in her methods but isn’t that what we want from our teachers? Don’t we want teachers and coaches who will do anything to help our children succeed?

Well, Kelly Regan (Margaret Anne Florence) isn’t quite as enthused about Nina’s methods as perhaps some parents would be. Kelly was a cheerleader when she was in high school. In fact, she was such a great cheerleader that she’s something of a legend. Her daughter, Amelie (Karis Cameron), wants to live up to her mom’s example. Kelly is overjoyed when Amelie becomes a cheerleader but she’s less happy once the violent fights start to break out. I guess it’s understandable but seriously, Nina is doing what she has to do. I mean, doesn’t Kelly want Amelie to go to college on a cheerleading scholarship?

Anyway, Cheer Squad Secrets was an enjoyably silly melodrama. I’m going to enjoy any film that mixes steroids with a crazy coach who occasionally has conversations with the ghost of her younger self. I mean, really, who wouldn’t? Anita Brown gives an appropriately intense performance as Coach Nina and director David Langlois does a good job of embracing the melodrama. A good Lifetime film will always push the limits of how far it can take its storyline and Cheer Squad Secrets certainly does that. This is a good one to watch for the next time you need an extra push to succeed.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #188: Killer Twin (dir by David Langlois)

Posted on August 5, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Killer Twin!

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, it was on Lifetime, of course.

Plus, I love movies about evil twins!

What Was It About?

As babies, twin sisters Amber and Kendra were both abandoned at the same orphanage. The head of the orphanage, Eunice (Bronwen Smith), took an instant dislike to Amber but always liked Kendra. When it looked like the sisters had a chance to be adopted, Eunice arranged for Kendra to go off with new parents while Amber remained at the orphanage.

30 years later and Kendra doesn’t even remember that she had a sister. However, Amber remembers. Kendra has a great life, with a good job and a nice husband (Jason Cermak) and a big house. Amber has … well, Amber has a lot of bitterness. When Amber manages to track down Kendra, she sets out to make her sister’s life a living Hell. That means breaking into her house, ruining her credit, lusting after her husband, and … even murder!

(They couldn’t call it Killer Twin if one of the twins wasn’t a killer!)

What Worked?

Occasionally, a supporting character will pop up in one of these movies and, despite having limited screen time, they’ll become something of a cause célèbre for those of us watching. In Killer Twin, that character was Marvin (Nelson Wong). Marvin was a totally nice, friendly, and professional guy who worked at a bank. When he suspected that Amber might be imitating her sister, Amber reacted by hitting him in the head with a safe deposit box and then running out of the bank.

Now, here’s the thing. Amber hit Marvin pretty hard. A lot of us were convinced that Marvin was dead. BUT NO! Marvin not only lived but he went back to his desk and called the police! YAY MARVIN! After that happened, I think we all definitely wanted Justice for Marvin.

As for the rest of this film, it was a good and entertaining Lifetime movie. It was totally over-the-top, melodramatic, and fun. Lindsay Hartley was obviously having a ball getting to play two totally opposite characters and director David Langlois and cinematography Jan Klompje brought some visual flair to the story. There was one shot in particular, in which Amber seemed to literally emerge from the Seattle fog, that was especially impressive. Visually, Lifetime films have come a long way.

What Didn’t Work?

It all worked! If you can’t enjoy a good killer twin movie, I worry about you.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

You know, at the start of the movie, I was pretty much Team Amber. I mean, I went through a whole period of time when I only wore black and I refused to smile and I’m actually kind of amazed that people put up with me while all that was going on. I knew that Amber was serious about her scheme when she removed her nose ring because seriously, nose rings are almost as painful to take out as they are to put in! I speak from personal experience.

But then, of course, Amber hit Marvin and I lost sympathy for her. Leave Marvin alone!

Lessons Learned

Marvin is indestructible and evil twin movies are always fun!

Cleaning Out The DVR: Psycho Wedding Crasher (dir by David Langlois)

Posted on January 4, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 183 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Psycho Wedding Crasher off of Lifetime on September 3rd, 2017!)

There were three “psycho” movies on Lifetime this year. I’ve already watched and reviewed Psycho In-Law and Psycho Brother-in-Law, two films that I liked quite a bit. But as insane as the psychos were in those films, neither of them can hold a candle to Jenna (Heather Morris), the title character in Psycho Wedding Crasher.

“Oh my God! She did not just do that!” That’s something that I shouted so many times, while watching Psycho Wedding Crasher, that I eventually lost track of the number of times Jenna’s behavior shocked me.

The first time I shouted it was when Jenna, while attending a party, searched her host’s bedroom and not only stole a pair of panties but actually put them on before leaving. I shouted it again when Jenna started physically beating herself up in her car so that she could accuse Scott (Robert Salvador) of assaulting her. This was followed by Jenna making use of a stranger’s bed, hiding in a closet so she could watch Glenn (Jason Cermak) take a shower, strangling someone with measuring tape, having an imaginary wedding, and of course engaging in a lot of knife action. By the time the movie was over, I was nearly hoarse from yelling at the TV.

The title is correct. Jenna is both psycho and a wedding crasher. That said, she has her reasons. For one thing, her parents are dead and she’s been raised by an abusive aunt (Joan Van Ark) who constantly tells Jenna that she’s neither smart nor pretty enough to ever find a man. Jenna spends day after day sewing wedding dresses but when will she find love? She spends all of her time haunting wedding receptions, hoping to meet the man of her dreams. One gets the feeling that she’s had many dreams.

Jenna knows that Glenn is the man for her but there’s only one problem. Glenn is married to Marci (Fiona Vroom). Whatever can Jenna do to take care of this situation? How about becoming Marci’s friend and then conspiring to try to break up her marriage? Sure, why not?

Jenna is totally crazy but it’s impossible not to feel sorry for her. Her aunt is just so cruel to her and no one else in the film seems to realize just how lucky they are to be happy and in love. It helps that Heather Morris gives such a lively performance in the lead role. While everyone else in the film tends to be a bit bland, Morris turns Jenna into a force of nature. Eventually, of course, you do lose sympathy for her. She just kills or tries to kill too many people. That said, she is always entertaining to watch, even though I certainly wouldn’t want her at my wedding.