Today’s music video is this melancholy mood piece from Adi Ulmansky.
For the record, HMFMH stands for Hate Myself For Hating Myself. Hey, we’ve all been there! I was there just three weeks ago! Fortunately, this week has been a marked improvement.
Enjoy!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.
A lot of talented people came together to create this week’s episode of Monsters!
Episode 1.21 “All In A Day’s Work”
(Dir by Allen Coulter, originally aired on May 6th, 1989)
Steven Rose (James Morrison) is a graduate student whose studies of ancient magic have accidentally summoned a creature who looks exactly like him and who also follows him everywhere that he goes. Following the advice of a friend, Steven seeks help from a white witch named Fiona (Adrienne Barbeau). Fiona is willing to help but first, she needs to pick up her son, Ian (Brandon Bluhm), from school.
When she returns to her apartment building with Ian, she discovers that the doppelganger is waiting in the hallway and apparently, it wants Ian’s soul. Locking herself in her apartment with Steven and Ian, Fiona is forced to do the unthinkable. She commits a mortal sin by summoning a demon named Belphamelech (Eddie Velez). As she explains it to Steven, if she can get rid of his doppelganger than she will be forgiven for summoning a demon. And if she can’t get rid of the doppelganger, it won’t matter what happens.
There were a lot of talented people involved with this episode. Adrienne Barbeau, of course, is still well-remembered for her appearances in The Fog, Escape From New York, and Creepshow. Nearly two decades after his appearance here, James Morrison would find fame as Bill Buchanan on 24 and as the prison warden on Twin Peaks: The Return. Eddie Velez is still a regular on television. This was one of the first shows to be directed by Allen Coulter, who go on to direct some of the best episodes of The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.
Considering all of talent both in front of and behind the camera, it’s not a surprise that this is one of the better episodes of Monsters, an atmospheric and well-acted 21 minutes that nicely mixes horror with humor. The episode works best when it contrasts Fiona’s magic powers with the normal activities of her everyday life. She can get rid of demons and yes, she can cook up a love potion or two and yes, she knows all of the things to say to control a demon. But, in the end, her main concern is making sure that her son gets to and from school without incident and that everyone has a good dinner in the evening.
Interestingly enough, the episode ends in such a way that makes it feel as if it was meant to be a pilot for a television series that would have featured Fiona dealing with the supernatural on a weekly basis. She ends the episode with both a new romance and a new assistant and it’s easy to imagine all of the future adventures that they could have all had together. If this episode was meant to serve as a pilot, it didn’t lead to a series and that’s a shame because it definitely had the potential to be a lot of fun.
2021’s Lockdown 2025 tells the story of a neighborhood on the edge.
Clarence McGee (Glenn Plummer) has a got a nice house in the suburbs. He has a nice view of the city in the distance and, even though we don’t learn much about what he does for a living, he appears to be very well off. He has a wife named Carmen (Marie-Francoise Theodore) and three children, conspiracy theorist Junior (Marcus T. Paulk), daughter Crystal Marie (Parker McKenna Posey), and youngest Evan (Cristian Fagins).
To the outsider, it might look like Clarence has the perfect life but the reality is far different. As a father, Clarence has been neglectful and, as his own wife points out, Evan is the only one of the kids with whom he seems to have a strong connection. Meanwhile, Crystal is pregnant and, while she’s told her boyfriend Marcos (Stewart Flores), neither one of them is quite sure how they’re going to tell Clarence. And what is one to make of the burly police detective (James Black) who is sitting in his car and watching Clarence’s home?
Clarence is excited because he’s convinced that he’s finally going to win the lottery and become a billionaire. However, just as the lottery numbers are about to be announced, the broadcast is interrupted by the National Alert System. “This is not a test,” a voice says, before going on to explain that the president has declared a national emergency. The country is under martial law. There will be a 24-hour curfew. No one is to leave their houses.
Suddenly, the skies are glowing and lightning bolts are streaking from the sky to the ground. Explosions are heard in the distance. The streets are full of “police soldiers” and anyone caught outside is subject to execution. When Clarence’s neighbor tries to flee his house, he is executed on the spot. Both Marcos and Junior suggest that maybe it’s all because of an online terrorist group known for being “pill-popping, weed-smoking, new age religious fanatics!” Clarence says you can’t believe anything you see on YouTube. For one thing, they let Junior on YouTube!
Meanwhile, a countdown clock appears on the television and starts to slowly tick down, from 80:00 to zero. What happens the clock hits zero? That’s what everyone is wondering.
As you can probably guess, things don’t go well for the McGees. Being stuck in the house together not only makes them paranoid but it also leads to them revealing all of their deep, dark family secrets. Soon, Clarence is loading a rifle. When the detective finally enters the house and reveals his own secret, it leads to a violent confrontation. Have you ever wondered how many people can accidentally get shot by two men firing guns at each other in a small enclosed space? This film will tell you!
The plot description probably makes all of this sound more intriguing than it is. Sadly, It’s not a very good movie, one that is marked by bad acting and bad special effects. Not even the talented Glenn Plummer can do much with his role. The initial apocalypse scenes are actually effective but soon, the Birdemic-style visuals kick in. Worst of all, the film’s ending is the type of cheat that makes you feel stupid for getting in any way invested in the story. An ending like this might have worked for a 15-minute short film but not for a film that drags on for 90 minutes.
This film was apparently produced by the Jehovah’s Witnesses and one of the final images is of a chastised, former doubter letting two Jehovah’s Witnesses into his home. (Seriously, on the rare occasion that any of them are in my neighborhood, I hide in my room and don’t make a sound.) I doubt this inspired anyone to pick up a copy of The Watch Tower.
14 Days of Paranoia:
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week’s cruise is all about simple misunderstandings that could be easily cleared up by people just not acting stupid for a few seconds. Unfortunately, that’s too much to ask.
Episode 4.4 “Target Gopher/The Major’s Wife/Strange Honeymoon/The Oilman Cometh”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 8th, 1980)
Lo and beware! Here comes the idiot plot!
As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, there’s nothing that bothers me more than an idiot plot. That is when a TV show — usually a sitcom — builds an entire episode out of a misunderstanding that could be easily cleared up by everyone just not being an idiot. These are the type of episodes where everyone talks over each other and runs off before they can get a full explanation of what’s happening. They are frustrating to watch.
This episode of The Love Boat has not just one idiot plot but several of them. I usually love this show but this episode made me cringe from start to finish.
Consider:
Oilman Mason Fleers (Dale Robertson) has chartered the boat for his company. He is not only giving everyone a free cruise but he hopes that he’ll be able to sign a big oil deal with Prince Hassan (Pat Harrington, Jr.), who is excited to see the ocean because “my country is covered in sand.” Mason has arranged for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (playing themselves) to provide entertainment. Even though the cheerleaders were on the ship last season, everyone acts as if this is the first time they’ve ever seen them. Doc Bricker is especially excited to see them, even though it’s debatable that a glamorous NFL cheerleader from a land-locked city would ever fall for a middle-aged guy who works on a boat for a living.
Prince Hassan boards the boat looking for a new wife. (He already has several but he specifically wants an American.) When Mason’s assistant, Ted (David Cassidy, with a rather unflattering mustache), attempts to give Prince Hassan the gift of a computerized chess game, Prince Hassan thinks that Ted is actually giving him Ted’s girlfriend, Janet (Janet Gunn). Prince Hassan thinks that Janet will be his new wife and he immediately makes plans for the marriage ceremony to take place on the boat. Ted, Captain Stubing, and Janet could clear all this up by telling Prince Hassan the truth but instead, they just try to hide Janet from him. And then Ted decides that maybe he could win Janet back from the Prince.
One word for all of this: Idiot.
Mason, for his part, falls for one of the cheerleaders (Jayne Ann Maxwell), and pressures her to spend time along with him. Jayne reacts to this by randomly declaring her love for Gopher. Gopher plays along so Mason decides to get revenge by walking up behind Gopher, surprising Gopher, and then collapsing to the deck and pretending that Gopher knocked him out. Gopher is suspended from his duties while the cruise line investigates. There were plenty of people on the deck at the time but no one steps forward to say that Mason clearly faked getting hit. Or maybe someone could point out that Mason has spent the entire cruise harassing a cheerleader who is not interested in him. But no one does. Why?
Because this is an idiot plot.
Walter Henson (Al Corley) was planning on spending his honeymoon on the cruise but then he found out his wife-to-be cheated on him. He left her at the altar. He still takes the cruise but he brings his brother, Hud (Mark Pinter), with him. When Doc, Isaac, and Gopher learn that Hud and Walter are both in the honeymoon suite, they assume that they’re a couple and, because this episode is 44 years old, start giving each other funny looks. It doesn’t occur to anyone that Walter and Hud might have the same last name because they’re related. When Hud falls for a cheerleader, he continually makes excuses to keep her from finding out that he’s traveling with his brother. Why?
IDIOT PLOT!
Major Ross Latham (Robert Culp) boards the boat with his shy and modest wife, Nara (Nobu McCarthy). Surprise! Gloria Beaumont (Jo Ann Pflug) is also on the boat. She and the major are old friends and soon, they’re spending all of their time together. Julie and Vicki assume that Gloria is trying to steal Ross away from Nara. Nara doesn’t suspect a thing.
Idiot. Plot.
Needless to say, everything work out in the end but this episode leaned way too heavily on everyone being an idiot. The Love Boat should be entertaining, not frustrating. This was one of those episodes that just left me wanting to jump overboard.
Today is Kesley Grammer’s 69th birthday. In order to celebrate this event, here are three scenes from one of my favorite films, 2020’s Money Plane!
All of these scenes are short. They only last a handful of seconds. But all of them also feature Kelsey Grammer bringing the film to life as only he can.
And since I don’t do odd numbers, here’s a bonus clip of Frasier Crane reacting to Money Plane.
Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to Texas’s own Jennifer Love Hewitt!
Enjoy!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!
This week, Baywatch Nights want to make sure that you know it’s a show about a lifeguard.
Episode 1.15 “Thief In The Night”
(Dir by Charles Bail, originally aired on March 2nd, 1996)
This week, we find Mitch actually doing some lifeguard work for once. I would say that about 35% of the episode features Mitch in his red swim trunks and either hanging out at his tower or at Baywatch Headquarters. At one point, Donna even mentions that, along being a club owner, she’s also training to become a lifeguard. It feels as if the show’s producers are literally standing off-camera, yelling, “This is a Baywatch show! We’re sorry for not doing more Baywatch stuff during the first half of the season! Please start watching!”
As for this week’s case, Mitch, Garner, and Ryan are hired by the snooty yacht club to investigate who has been breaking into their boats and stealing valuable things. The head of the yacht club is Jeri Ross (Kristine Meadows), who is so snooty that she hires Mitch and Garner and then starts to immediately complain about them investigating the yachts. Still, Mitch needs the paycheck, though I’m not sure why since he already has a full-time job as a senior lifeguard.
Mitch figures out that the thief is a scuba diver but he still can’t figure out who the person could be. Perhaps that’s because Mitch keeps referring to thief as being a “he,” when the thief is actually Nina Cutter (Christiana D’Amore), a former Olympic-class swimmer who is now trying to raise money to pay the lawyers who are trying to overturn the embezzlement conviction that landed her brother in prison! Seriously, Mitch, get with the times! Women are just as capable of robbing a yacht as men. Myself, I’ve never robbed a yacht but if I ever felt like doing so, I imagine I could do it just as well as anyone else who has a morbid fear of swimming in the ocean.
Nina sees Mitch investigating the crime and she decides that maybe it would be fun to meet and date him. When Mitch is pulling out of Baywatch HQ, Nina rollerblades behind his truck and pretends to get knocked to the pavement. Mitch jumps out with his first aide kit but he doesn’t jump out in slow motion, which I think was a missed opportunity on the part of the show.
Mitch does fall for Nina but, once he figures out that she’s the thief, he still captures her and sends her to jail. On the bright side, he also saves her from drowning after she hits her head on the bottom of passing boat. Still — what the Hell, Mitch? When did you become so judgmental? What if her brother really is innocent?
This episode was pretty boring. When Mitch wasn’t hanging out at his lifeguard tower, he was underwater in a wet suit and, as anyone who has watched a 60s diving film can tell you, there’s nothing more boring then watching people float around in wet suits. It didn’t help that all the diving scenes took place at night so I really had to strain my already hyperopic eyes to even get a vague idea of what was happening in that dark water. As well, there really wasn’t much chemistry, romantic or otherwise, between Nina and Mitch.
Seriously, I can’t wait for the supernatural episodes to finally start!
The 1999 film, Payback, opens with Porter (Mel Gibson) lying on a kitchen table while a grubby-looking doctor digs two bullets out of his back. The scene takes place in almost nauseating close-up, with the emphasis being put on the amount of pain that Porter endures to get rid of those bullets. Immediately, we know that Porter is not someone who can safely go to a regular hospital. Porter is someone who exists in the shadows of mainstream society.
He’s also someone who spends a lot of time getting beaten up. Even back when he was still a big star, Mel Gibson always seemed to spend a good deal of his films getting beaten up and tortured in various ways and that’s certainly the case with Payback. Porter gets punched. Porter gets shot. Porter has a encounter with an over-the-top dominatrix (played by Lucy Liu). At one point, Porter allows two of his toes to be smashed by a hammer, just so he can trick the his enemies into doing something dumb. As played by Gibson, Porter stumbles through the film and often looks like he’s coming down from a week-long bender. It’s interesting to think that Payback is a remake of 1967’s Point Blank, which starred Lee Marvin as Walker, an unflappable career criminal who never showed a hint of emotion or weakness. Porter, on the other hand, is visibly unstable and spends the entire film on the verge of a complete mental collapse. A lot of people try to kill Porter and Porter kills almost all of them without a moment’s hesitation.
(Of course, both Porter and Point Blank‘s Walker are versions of Parker, a career criminal who was at the center of several crime novels written by Donald “Richard Stark” Westlake.)
After helping to pull off a $140,000 heist from a Chinese triad, Porter was betrayed and left for dead by his former friend Val Resnick (Gregg Henry) and his wife, Lynn (Deborah Kara Unger). Porter, who just wants the $70,000 cut that he was promised, starts his quest for the money by tracking down Val and Lynn, and then continues it by going after the three bosses (played by William Devane, James Coburn, and Kris Kristofferson) of “The Outfit,” a shadowy organization that Val had gotten involved with. Along the way, Porter deals with a motely crew of corrupt cops, violent criminals, and sleazy middlemen. (David Paymer has a memorable bit as a low-level functionary with atrocious taste in suits.) Porter also hooks up with a prostitute named Rosie (Maria Bello), who might be the only person that he can actually trust.
I have mixed feelings about Payback. (So did director Brian Hegeland, who was reportedly fired towards the end of shooting and later released a far different director’s cut.) Though the film does a good job of capturing the visual style of a good neo-noir, the story itself is so violent and grim that it actually gets a little bit boring. The film’s advertising encouraged audiences to “Get ready to root for the bad guy,” but there’s really no reason to root for Porter. He’s an inarticulate and ruthless killer with no sense of humor. If anything, the people that he kills seem to be far more reasonable and likable than he does. In Point Blank, Lee Marvin may have been a bastard but he was good at what he did and you at least got the feeling that he wouldn’t go after any innocent bystanders. In Payback, Porter is such a mess that his continued survival is largely due to dumb luck. It’s hard to root for an idiot.
That said, the film does do a good job of capturing the feeling of people living on the fringes of society. The Outfit is not a typical Mafia family but instead, a collection of businessmen who work out of nice offices and, in the case of William Devane’s Carter, come across as being more of a senior executive than a crime boss. (James Coburn and Kris Kristofferson, meanwhile, come across as being two former hippies who made it rich on Wall Street. They’re elderly versions of Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin.) The film does a good job of creating a world where no one trusts anyone and everyone is being watched by someone. In one memorable scene, the three men sent to watch for Porter discover that he’s been watching them the entire time. Never forget to look over your shoulder to see who might be following.
Flaws and all, this 1999 film does a good job of capturing the atmosphere of paranoia that, for many, would come to define the early part of the 21st Century.
14 Days of Paranoia:
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.
This week, we get a bad fantasy and a good fantasy. Smiles, everyone!
Episode 4.14 “The Chateau/White Lightning”
(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on February 7th, 1981)
The first of this week’s fantasies involves the McAllister clan and the Scroggins clan, two feuding families from Appalachia who both come to Fantasy Island with the same fantasy. They want to find the formula for a legendary type of moonshine called White Lightning. The McAllisters are led by Clora (Carolyn Jones) and include her children, Ruth Ann (Wendy Schaal), Amos (Ed Begley, Jr.), and Otis (Richard Lineback). The Scroggins are led by Norris (George Lindsey) and include his sons, R.J. (Randy Powell) and Bobby Joe (Ernie Lively).
Since both families have the same fantasy and they both want the recipe for themselves….
What? Yes, this the bad fantasy.
Anyway, Mr. Roarke gives them a map that will lead them to White Lightning still on Fantasy Island. The two families race to be the first to reach the still, not realizing that the still is guarded by an old man with a rifle and that old man is Mr. Roarke in a fake beard.
You will probably not be surprised to learn that Mr. Roarke pretending to be a moonshiner is the best part of this fantasy. Seriously, I hope everyone involved with this series appreciated the dedication that Ricardo Montalban brought to bringing even the most ridiculous of scenes to life.
This was a dumb fantasy and, from the minute the two families stepped off the plane, it was obvious that they’re going to end up setting aside their differences and working together. The hillbilly stuff just felt out of place on Fantasy Island. Let’s move on and let’s do so quickly.
The other fantasy is a bit more fun. Vicky Lee (Pamela Franklin) is writing a book about her grandmother, a silent screen actress who died under mysterious circumstances. Her fantasy is to interview her grandmother’s former co-star, Claude Duncan, who lives in seclusion in a Fantasy Island chateau. Mr. Roarke tries to dissuade her from entering the chateau and warns her that her fantasy might be dangerous in ways that she could never imagine. Vicky says that she can take care of herself.
In the chateau, she meets Karl Dixon (David Hedison), who looks exactly like Claude Duncan! She assumes that Karl must be Claude’s grandson but the audience knows better. For one thing, we’ve noticed the statue of Pan in the chateau’s courtyard and we’ve also noticed that its eyes glow whenever something strange happens. It turns out that Claude Duncan and Karl Dixon are one in the same! Claude has remained young by offering up sacrifices to Pan. And it appears that he’s planning on making Vicky his latest sacrifice.
Vickey Lee’s fantasy was silly but entertaining, in the way that the best episodes of Fantasy Island often are. I always prefer the fantasies that have an element of the supernatural and that’s certainly the case with this one. At one point, Duncan even claims that Mr. Roarke has no power in the Chateau, which leads me to once again wonder about who truly rules Fantasy Island. If Mr. Roarke was truly in control of Fantasy Island, why would he allow Claude Duncan to live there? In an interview, Ricardo Montalban suggested that Fantasy Island was a form of Purgatory and that Mr. Roarke was more of a caretaker than a ruler. This fantasy would certainly suggest that to be true.
(The fantasy also features a charmingly weird scene where Mr. Roarke suddenly appears on a television screen in the chateau so he can tell Vicky that she’s in danger. Strange Mr. Roarke is the best Mr. Roarke.)
So, this week gave us one bad fantasy and one good fantasy. Fortunately, the good fantasy was really, really good.
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
Today, we celebrate what would have been the 99th birthday of the great director, Robert Altman! It’s time for….
4 Shots From 4 Robert Altman Films
The Long Goodbye (1973, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Vilmos Zsigmond)
Nashville (1975, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Paul Lohmann)
3 Women (1977, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Charles Rosher, Jr.)
Short Cuts (1993, dir by Robert Altman, DP: Walt Lloyd)
Through the Shattered Lens 