Late Night Cable Movie Review: Bikini Model Mayhem (2016, dir. Sal V. Miers)

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

It’s funny, but according to IMDb this movie isn’t going to premiere until January 24th of this year. That must be huge news for Cinemax who had this in their app, which is where I watched it.

That title made me think I was in store for something like Bikini Avengers (2015), which funny enough has some of the same actors in it. Also, that title card does in no way tell you the kind of film you about to watch. Here’s a song that I think does a fine job of telling you what kind of movie this is. That being Alice Cooper’s Elected.

Yep, it’s a parody of pop culture and politics. And it’s actually pretty good.

I knew I was in for something decent when the movie opened with several shots like the one above. It meant someone was going to bother to add a little style and therefore probably actually have a story.

It begins when a woman named Augustine (Katie Morgan) walks into a bar and proceeds to try and seduce a politician named Bill (Eric Masterson). She’s certainly pretty. She’s definitely caught his eye. However, something just isn’t right. When he asks her if he can buy her a drink, she says:

After he tells her he needs to be careful being a politician and all she says:

She says it must have been a program glitch. Don’t know about you, but that’s all the proof I need. She’s hot. Augustine and Bill leave and go to have sex. They seem to be having a good time till…

Then her eyes light up and…

That’s when we cut to a lab where we see a guy in a tie and a guy in a lab coat looking at a monitor showing what the obvious robot…bikini model robot, as she is called, sees. No time for that though because we need to meet our leading lady!

Don’t you love that I felt I needed to crop the title card to keep us from getting in trouble, but his breasts are perfectly G-Rated? Anyways, that’s Megan (Jacqui Holland). She’s canvassing the area to make sure people know to vote for Senator G.W. Bushwacker (Andy Espinoza Long) in his gubernatorial bid. Seeing as he’s got time to kill waiting for the cable guy, he agrees to hear her out. Clearly we need to hear about his positions. Policy positions as she corrects him.

She says that “unlike the other candidates in this race, Senator Bushwacker refuses to go negative.” That’s a load off my mind. I mean as she goes on to say “he could point out that Mayor Jefferson beats his wife, and he’s embezzled millions from the state treasury. And Sterling, well, he got his law degree from a Crackerjack box. And he has a hard drive filled with child pornography, not to mention his involvement in the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby — but he won’t.”

Phew! Good thing Bushwacker doesn’t throw around wild claims. This guy though, he’s skeptical and asks why he should believe what she says. Isn’t it obvious? Those things are in the “talking points” they gave her to take around while knocking on people’s doors. He concedes that those things may be in the talking points, but what’s in it for him. The wheels start turning in her head and she suggests higher wages. Boy this guy is a tough sell though cause he’s “still on the fence.” How about “lower taxes”, she says. “Warmer”, he replies. Then she has a moment of revelation: “How about the government keeping its stinking hands off your Medicare?” Course he’s a young guy so Medicare isn’t really an important issue for him. At this point she says “the choice is clear. It’s either the wife-beating embezzler, the pedophile kidnapper who passes himself off as a lawyer, or Senator G.W. Bushwacker, a true American patriot.” Oh, and then she remembers: “Did I mention you can keep your guns?”

I feel for this guy. I mean lower taxes sounds good. I don’t really have to worry about Medicare at this point, but it’s nice to know he’ll stand up for the elderly. Bushwacker is running a no negative campaign. Plus, he does’t beat his wife, embezzle money, isn’t a pedophile kidnapper, doesn’t pass himself off as a doctor…I mean a lawyer, and he’s a true American patriot. Clearly there is one more thing I know I would certainly need to ask before giving Bushwacker my vote.

I wish I could show you the look actress Jacqui Holland gets on her face as she reluctantly pulls up her top. It’s great! By the way, it’s her film. She steals the show. No sex scene happens though because we have more important things to attend to. We cut to the lab and find out that Bushwacker is working with a doctor to create bikini model robots to embarrass Bushwacker’s opponents. He wants robots so they can’t turn on him later like real women could. Makes sense.

Now we cut to Megan at home with her boyfriend. Megan is kind of broken up. She said, “I could barely even look at myself.” He tries to comfort her, but he clearly just doesn’t understand. She was talking about her most recent Facebook post of course! I mean it only got six likes. What the hell! Maybe some people just didn’t see the dress right.

I can’t say I expected that to come back around again. Regardless, he finds it weird that it’s that which has her broken up and not her taking her top off. Men! “Country first, babe. It was my patriotic duty.” A damn fine American. Oh, and they have sex.

Meanwhile, back in the lab they have made a new bikini model robot and they send her off to go after that lawyer. She says that she is being sexually discriminated against at her job. By that she doesn’t mean that anyone there won’t have sex with her. They’re not that discriminating. They just don’t want her wearing sexy clothes. She works at a retirement center after all. But the lawyer is not easily convinced. He needs to see exactly what happened. Apparently, some guy had a heart attack after she bent over. So she bends her breasts towards his face. He’s a good lawyer though. He says, “He’ll leave no stone unturned.” That means we need to make sure she didn’t bend over in the other direction.

Poor actor Ryan Driller, if he’s not murdered like in Carnal Wishes, then they just shove a butt in his face. Of course they have sex till the photographer shows up.

Over at the campaign headquarters Megan gets to meet G.W. Bushwacker himself. And by that, I mean he tells her to take her clothes off and they have sex. And by they have sex, I mean it’s all in his head. But we do get another great Jacqui Holland facial expression!

Bushwacker invites her and the boyfriend out for drinks. Back in lab, the good scientist (Ted Newsom) makes sure his two bikini models are fully functional. I mean he makes them have sex with each other. At first they are hesitant because they are both girls, but they soon get into it just fine. During this we see a board that tells us bikini stands for Binary Instillation Kinetic Integration Naissant Intelligence. In other words, bullshit. Also, the scientist completely goes away during this scene just in case we weren’t sure that this scene is meant to both be for voyeurs of girl on girl and for people who swap themselves out for one of the girls. Now one of the dumbest things I have ever seen a movie do happens.

Let me explain what’s going on in that shot. The couple at the table are in the foreground, in focus, and are moving their mouths as if they are talking, but no sound whatsoever comes out of their mouths. All the sounds are coming from the guy in the background talking on his cellphone and to the bartender. And this goes on for awhile too. It took me some time to realize what was happening here. It’s not till he walks over to the table that the sound makes sense again. Wow!

One drink leads to another, then another, and Megan decides to ask Bushwacker about gay marriage. They drink to it with “bottoms up”. She says the talking points still say that Mayor Jefferson beats his wife, although he apparently has stopped, but now it also has the new information that he killed a guy. She also calls him on his bullshit about saying other politicians flip flop, but that when he does it he says he has simply “evolved”. According to Bushwacker: “He calls it like he sees it. Until he sees it differently.” Now the boyfriend gets up to take a bathroom break (clearly he’s not presidential material). In there he is ambushed by the two bikini models. Bushwacker then takes her to that bathroom.

That’s brilliant! Clearly somebody should have tried that during one of the debates. On the upside, at least we know Bushwacker will not be passing bathroom laws anytime soon seeing as he clearly doesn’t have a problem with men and women using the same public bathroom.

The next day the boyfriend has some explaining to do! Unfortunately for him, she’s seen the 1974 gay porn called Drive.

We cut back to the lab to find out the lawyer thing barely got a blurb in the paper before cutting back to Megan so we can get this line.

Actually, the movie Bad Johnson (2014) taught me that you just pee out your butthole when that happens. Also, 22 Jump Street (2014) taught us that they will just carve out a vagina for you. There’s plenty of ways to deal with peeing without a penis. Luckily for him, she does let him keep it. That’s when the robots show up before cutting to the lab.

Bushwacker doesn’t believe that his opponents will fall for the bikini models again. The scientist responds with, “Hmm, fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, can’t get fooled again.” Bushwacker responds with, “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” This is the greatest part of the movie for me. Remember when G.W. Bush ran for president the first time? Remember one of his campaign songs? It was Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who.

I remember very clearly because as soon as the news story talking about it ended, and it went back to the anchors, they immediately brought up that it was odd he was using it considering the song ends with the line: “Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.”

Now Megan and the bikini models show up at the lab and lead Bushwacker to believe they are on his side. They even have an orgy with him. But then…

However, it doesn’t mean the scientist is off the hook. He did kind of make all this nastiness possible. His response is that “we all have our little peccadilloes.” Or as he puts it succinctly, he gets his kicks from “schadenfreude”. Cue sirens and Megan says: “I think I hear your ride now.”

This is the kind of late night cable movie I love. If you are looking for one of these movies to check out, then just like Carnal Wishes, I recommend this one. Heck, I think I recommend this one even more. At least of the ones in the Cinemax app.

Hallmark Review: Notes from Dad (2013, dir. Eriq La Salle)

Posted on January 4, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

This is a movie about a guy who plays the trumpet and gets a job teaching music appreciation at a high school. It would be just wrong of me to not share a couple of personal stories from when I took a class in The History of Jazz and Rock in college now.

My teacher was also a jazz musician. I don’t remember how it came up, but he shared one of the greatest regrets of his life with us. He lived in New York City with his girlfriend only a few blocks from CBGB in the mid to late 1970s. According to him, he was such a jazz snob that he refused to make the short walk down there to see groups like The Ramones as they were blowing up on the music scene. He said it was one of the dumbest things he ever did and regrets it to this day.

The other thing is that music appreciation classes can be amazing things. Music is so interconnected. I remember how his face lit up when he read a paper where I wrote I listened to Dick Dale, then Motörhead (RIP Lemmy) and could hear the similarities in their sound. See if you can hear it. I have embedded two songs below: The Wedge by Dick Dale and Iron Fist by Motörhead.

You also learn interesting things such as that country and rap are actually very similar types of music. In fact, some deliberately fuse the two types of music. Same goes for the blues. I can’t possibly be the only one who heard Nirvana’s cover of Leadbelly’s Ain’t It A Shame at the end of Cobain: Montage of Heck (2015) and thought it was a country song at first. Then again, Leadbelly was a blues and country artist too. The division between the two genres was created by record companies that told blues artists to only record blues and country artists to only record country. In reality, they both played country and blues. Nirvana just took out Leadbelly’s lines about not beating your wife and replaced it with Kurt’s angry sarcastic vocals to get the same point across.

You learn why it shouldn’t have been surprising to anyone why Billy Joe Armstrong could write a song like Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) and songs like Basket Case. Also, that rap and jazz are alike in that improvisation is a central element of both genres of music. I remember in 2002 when Johnny Cash seemed to surprise everyone by taking a Nine Inch Nails song (Hurt) and turning it into a sad and beautiful capstone on his long career. My local San Francisco based alt rock station even played it. They even put a sort of disclaimer saying oh yeah, we are going to play Johnny Cash. If you don’t like it, we don’t care. It’s amazing what he did with this otherwise lesser known Nine Inch Nails song so we are playing it. It’s only in the heads of the fans that artists live in a world where only the art they make exists.

Sadly, this movie isn’t really about music appreciation. That would require copy written music. It’s about a music teacher who is going to get his life back on track while also helping a young brilliant trumpet player realize his potential. And look who plays the teacher!

It’s Eddie Cibrian who played Buddy in Healing Hands. This time he is playing a character named Clay. When he arrives in class he discovers quickly that he has some tough students to deal with and that promising student as well. And no, Coolio won’t be sitting him down in a dark room to sing about living in a Gangsta’s Paradise.

Also, since this is not one of those put a bonnet on it films like The Reckoning, he will also not be sat down by Weird “Al” Yankovic to be told about living in a Amish Paradise.

Instead, he goes outside to see himself from Healing Hands, but named Manny played by Michael Beach

Michael Beach? That sounds familiar to me. Not from one of his other many many many acting credits. I know him from Quantum Leap of course!

That’s from the episode called Justice where Sam leaps into a KKK member. During that scene he has to pretend he is a KKK member and prevent Michael Beach’s character from helping an older black man register to vote. Can’t think of why that episode is fresh in my memory at all. Interestingly, Eriq La Salle, who directed this movie, was in an episode of Quantum Leap during the same season of the show as Michael Beach’s episode.

Clay comes back to class the next day and decides to teach the kids the three B’s of classical music.

He brought a record of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony, and even manipulates the record with his hand. Sounded very familiar to me. I really wondered where I had heard that before. After racking my brain I figured it out! The particular section he manipulates is from Robin Thicke’s early song When I Get You Alone.

Cause of course it is. Why?

Yep, Alan Thicke is in the movie. He’s barely in the movie, but he is there as a music store owner. You can call it a cameo because he only has a few minutes of screen time. I refuse to believe that’s a coincidence.

Back in the classroom, the principal comes in and tells him he needs to stick to the approved curriculum. Doesn’t say what that is, but obviously connecting modern music with classical music to get the kids interested in the material is a no no.

Now we find out that he is on the outs with his ex-wife and kids because he really let his love of music get in the way of everything else. Oh, and here’s the promising trumpet player.

I could take you blow by blow now (no trumpet pun intended), but there’s no point. As Clay gets closer to the kid who plays the trumpet he has to find ways to connect with him. The experience helps him to find ways of reconnecting with his own child. The school is in trouble and he decides to have the kids form a band to get the school some positive attention. Not really sure how that’s going to save the school, but let’s just tuck that away. He also gets close to the principal because he has to end up with someone.

It’s a nice small scale story like Chasing A Dream that is one of those few Hallmark movies that really breaks from their usual mold. And it does a pretty job of it. I liked Eddie Cibrian and the story is uplifting. It could have been better for sure. This one has a marginal recommendation from me. Just don’t expect a movie about music appreciation. It’s about two people getting their life back on track with music being an important part of that journey.

But how do I end this review? Well, I’ll go the easy way. I mentioned Motörhead and Lemmy passed away recently, so here is Motörhead performing Please Don’t Touch with their friends Girlschool as Motör Headgirl School.

Hallmark Review: Love in Paradise (2016, dir. Sean McNamara)

Posted on January 3, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I have to admit I was scared going into this. Based on the plot summary it sounded like it was going to be Strawberry Summer Retread: A Country Wedding, Part II. Strawberry Summer was the epic disaster that I can’t possibly summarize and A Country Wedding was about 90 minutes of snide, stupid, ignorant, and redneck dialogue that made both of the characters look like hicks. Also, this movie was directed by the man who keeps bringing us Baby Geniuses sequels and directed 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998). So you can imagine my trepidation going into this movie. But how bad could it be? I mean I like Luke Perry. Well, it turned to out to reasonably good. It has it’s problems, but it’s not bad at all.

First things first though. With this movie, and Jesse Stone: Lost In Paradise, Luke Perry is yet another of the Beverly Hills, 90210 crowd to make their way to Hallmark:

James Eckhouse in Second Chances
Jason Priestley in Expecting A Miracle
Jennie Garth in The Last Cowboy
Shannon Doherty in Growing The Big One
Tori Spelling in Family Plan

Those are just the ones I have reviewed. However, I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen Gabrielle Carteris, Joe E. Tata, Carol Potter, or Brian Austin Green yet. Ian Ziering is busy fighting sharks. And yes, I am aware that Tiffani Thiessen was in Northpole, but I haven’t seen it so it doesn’t count. Same goes for those other Luke Perry Hallmark movies as well.

But back to this movie. It opens up with Luke in front of a green screen, then we get the title card, before it cuts back to this.

I know his character’s name is Avery Ford, but I don’t care. He is Dylan McKay to me now and always. So Dylan here is an aging star of westerns called Aim To Please. And look! They were made by the same people who worked on this film.

Notice that includes Luke Perry himself as a producer. Dylan isn’t a happy man. He doesn’t like hocking beans. Now we meet Heather (Emmanuelle Vaugier) and her father Casey (Tom Butler).

Turns out Casey is a fan of Dylan’s work as a western star. Also, it turns out the hotel/ranch is in Montana. And by Montana, they mean Agassiz, British Columbia, Canada. Well, at least for these shots.

I have to assume the main set is also in the area, but I couldn’t pin it down. They also do a reasonably good job with the license plates too. I think all the major cars in the movie have Montana plates on them.

So, how is Dylan going to end up in the country you ask? Nearly the same way as in Strawberry Summer. The hotel is in trouble and she figures since her father is a bit of a celebrity cowboy it might be mutually beneficial for her and Dylan if he pays a PR visit. But unlike Strawberry Summer, the first words out of Dylan’s mouth are that she could be a crazy person like Kathy Bates in Misery.

I don’t care that he goes anyways. I am just grateful this movie acknowledged that fact. Strawberry Summer just glosses over that she is an obsessed fan who uses her personal connections to lure a celebrity to her small town because she believes she can fix him. Thank you Luke Perry, Tippi Dobrofsky, and Neal Dobrofsky for writing that into this film.

After landing, Dylan buys some boots because you know, he’s just an actor, not a real cowboy. That’s where a problem with this film is. Also, it’s a little wishy washy about it. She kind of acts like the girl in A Country Wedding even commenting on his obviously new and not really his boots. In her case though, it’s not that she’s being a jackass and more that for some reason she doesn’t know what acting is. If Anthony Hopkins had shown up in town, then would she have been expecting him to be a cannibal? The wishy washy part is that basically nobody else thinks that way. Certainly not the father who makes it very clear he knew he wasn’t a real cowboy. He’s an actor who plays one in movies. Movies that happen to make him happy when he watches them.

Well, they go through the standard city slicker in the country bit. Yes, that includes this nonsense.

But what’s nice is that this tapers off within the first 30 minutes or so of the movie. The rest of the time is Dylan, Heather, and Casey just getting to know each other and themselves better. Dylan already knew he wasn’t super happy with where he was in his life, but it won’t mean that he just up and stops acting. That’s one of the really nice things about this movie. He finishes the film with a much more moderate and realistic response to his time with Heather and Casey. Heather gets to know Dylan and generally begins to appreciate what her father sees in him. Up till then she didn’t watch his movies. They don’t take that as far as I would have liked, but it’s quite implied that she understands his acting has brought her dad happiness. As for the dad, it’s a win win situation for him. He gets to hang out with his favorite actor and his daughter is happy as she grows closer to Dylan. At least as close as most Hallmark romances do before just having them end up together.

There is a little subplot with a guy who wants to do something by buying her place, but I really don’t know why they even bothered with it. It barely comes into play.

However, there are two things to notice in this movie.

In that scene the guy who wants to buy up the place shows up to harass Heather. Luke Perry goes right into classic Dylan McKay for that moment. You know, those scenes when he would walk right over and tell someone to back off if they were bothering one of his friends. It’s suddenly Beverly Hills, 90210 for that moment and she might as well be Kelly.

The other thing.

That is Matt Frewer as the local doctor, and that scene is a major missed opportunity. Do you see it? Let me change the line: Name is Marion, but people call me Max. Boom! A John Wayne reference, which was done that way in One Starry Christmas, plus a reference to Matt Frewer as Max Headroom. Too bad.

Ultimately what do you have with Love in Paradise? You have Strawberry Summer and A Country Wedding put into a blender and mixed by screenwriters who knew what they were doing. It works. There are cliches they could have left out, and moments they could have shot for something more meaningful, but it’s Hallmark. I will gladly praise the ones that really rise above, but I’m not going to come down on this one hard for it’s flaws. I recommend it.

Hallmark Review: On the Twelfth Day of Christmas (2015, dir. Harvey Crossland)

Posted on January 2, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Well, I was gonna review a Late Night Cable movie next, but unfortunately I watched Serena The Sexplorer (2013). It was horrible! Same writer and director as the also terrible Monster Of The Nudist Colony. *Shudders*

So instead I watched the next Hallmark movie on my DVR. The movie opens and we meet our two leads in college. This is Mitch (Robin Dunne).

This is Maggie (Brooke Nevin).

This lady reminds me of a online friend I met about 6 years ago who also used to work as a small town reporter like this character will. By the way, she runs a great movie blog over at Comet Over Hollywood. One of the most wonderful people I know online and a far better writer than I will ever be. But back to the movie.

She needs to get home for Christmas and he agrees to give her a ride home so she doesn’t miss it despite the storm. They get stuck in a traffic jam along the way so they can spend some time together to setup the plot for later in the movie. One little problem here. They are clearly just sitting in a car that isn’t moving which isn’t uncommon in movies, but when they say they are going to get off the highway it immediately cuts to them getting out of a stationary car. The movie really could have benefitted by a shot of the car going onto an offramp before that shot. Well, they make snow angels, build a snowman, and ride a toboggan. Finally, he gets her home and before you can say When Harry Met Sally (1989), it cuts to 10 years later.

We are now in a small town called Harrison. And by Harrison they mean Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

Also, they go a little northeast to Toronto.

By the way, it’s nice to know that Murder, She Baked: A Plum Pudding Mystery also took place in Harrison.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas (2015)

Maggie is now a small town newspaper reporter and subscriptions are down so the head of the paper informs them the paper will be joining the Wrightsbridge family of publications. Those damn kids and their Internet that no newspaper makes heavy use of and never makes all their reporters have social media accounts. They now need to be at their best. Maggie turns on the radio…

and either she is thinking her life might turn into Ron Howard’s The Paper (1994) and she too will have to ask why the bullet came out of the wall or she recognizes the name Mitch O’Grady.

Mitch has moved to the small town of Harrison from L.A. to be a disc jockey. He is a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. He doesn’t want to play any Christmas music because he thinks it’s overplayed on the radio during the season. Tell me about it! And much to my surprise the film will treat him respectfully. We will kindly be taken through a series of events that culminate with us finding out why Christmas is a painful time for him now. Oh, and notice the sweet three monitor setup he has there complete with the monitor on the far right that I believe is using Audacity. Not sure what the other monitors are showing, but it doesn’t matter cause all you need to remember is there are three of them and the monitor on the right has nothing underneath it.

Oh, and kudos to the production crew for a well faked website.

Now Maggie is having lunch when of course Mitch comes in and joins her to catch up. Unfortunately, the local flirt shows up to hit on Mitch. You can tell how important she is because I am not even going to include a screenshot of her. Maggie goes home and gets a brilliant idea. The title of the movie mentions the 12 days of Christmas so she’s going to send 12 gifts to Mitch as a Secret Santa. They are inspired by the things they did together on their way to her home 10 years prior.

Back at work a guy from the parent company shows up and I thought he was going to be like the “evil” reporter from The Note, but nope. He’s barely in the movie and very reasonable. He’s just there to drop the line that people like personal interest stories so that she will let the Secret Santa thing go further than she probably should.

Meanwhile, back at Mitch’s office. Somebody has moved his far left monitor to the far right and put a book under it.

The first gift comes and it’s the eyes he and Maggie used 10 years prior to make a snowman. And this is Rita (Geri Hall).

She will be your Beth from NewsRadio for the movie, but more useful and less annoying. Oh, and his monitor’s are back the way he likes them.

Now Mitch decides to talk about the Secret Santa thing on the radio, turns out KCNQ is a “bronze-level” advertiser with the paper, and the presents are now on the radio’s website. There’s your setup. She keeps sending him stuff, there are red herrings about who could be the Secret Santa, and they spend time together because she needs to cover the story for the paper. One more thing, I forgot that each present comes with instructions of what he is to do with the present. For example, make a snowman to use the eyes on. Of course Maggie is more than willing to help out.

He eventually figures it out and does the third act misunderstanding bit before things turnaround for the best. While Maggie pouts, we get a cameo we all knew was coming.

That’s right! A cameo appearance by the can of Folgers coffee from The Nine Of Christmas.

The Nine Lives Of Christmas (2014)

Okay, nobody expected it, but there it is.

Seeing as I did like this one, I won’t spoil why he is a bit of Christmas grumpus. It’s a standard Hallmark cliche, but I won’t say. This was reasonably well acted, it didn’t have its characters act in weird unexplainable ways, none of that Christmas Land crap, and it knew it was a small scale story and made it fit that format.

However, there is one thing I want to know. I mean aside from why he suddenly only has two monitors near the end of the movie with the book back under the far right one. I thought people who break into places to rearrange furniture only existed in the movie A Chorus Line (1985). Must be the same person who did it in 12 Gifts Of Christmas.

What I want to know is where was actor Don Allison in this movie? He is credited as playing Mitch’s father, but I didn’t see him. Don Allison is the actor from Christmas Magic that in his few minutes of screen time gave a real heartfelt performance with barely two words. If anyone knows, then please tell me because I didn’t see him.

This isn’t an amazing Hallmark movie, but it’s a nice little story that one could certainly sit through the next time it comes around on Hallmark. I do recommend it.

25 Best, Worst, and Gems I Saw In 2015

Posted on January 1, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Foodfight! (2012)

I saw quite a few movies last year. Around 700 of them, which were all new to me. These are the ground rules:

There is no particular order to the films in these lists. They simply either made it or not.
These are not necessarily films that came out in 2015. In fact, most didn’t. These are films that I saw for the first time in 2015.
The gems list are films that don’t make the best list, but I want to put a spotlight on them.
If there is a review on the site, mine or someone else’s, then I have linked to it.
I saw way more awful things this year then any other kind of movie so I have tried to pick out the worst of the worst and the movies that still piss me off at this point.
If you disagree with any of my choices. Good! I want people to form their own opinions and think for themselves. But if you care to share those opinions, then be nice about it, or you won’t receive a response from me. Also, if I don’t wish to discuss a particular film, such as Interstellar, then I will tell you. I won’t leave you hanging.
That horribly animated character up top is voiced by Christopher Lloyd.

Best:

Tomboy (2011)
Ma Vie en Rose (1997)
Show Me Love (1998)
Blue Is The Warmest Color (2013)
Jump In! (2007)
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)
David Holzman’s Diary (1967)
Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)
Rebellion in Patagonia (1974)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle’s Skin City (2012)
22 Jump Street (2014)
Cobain: Montage of Heck (2015)
All the Right Moves (1983)
All the King’s Men (1949)
A Single Man (2009)
Boy Meets Girl (2014)
Antboy (2013)
Lead With Your Heart (2015)
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
R.L. Stine’s Monsterville: The Cabinet of Souls (2015)
A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
First Blood (1982)
Rocky II (1979)
Turkish First Blood (1983)
Turkish Mad Max (1983)

Worst:

God’s Not Dead (2014)
Extreme Ops (2002)
What Other Couples Do (2013)
Let’s Be Cops (2014)
Maps To The Stars (2014)
Bikini Spring Break (2012)
Camp Beaverton: Meet The Beavers (2013)
Ricky 1 (1988)
Bring Happiness Home (2013)
Your Love Never Fails (2011)
My Gal Sunday (2014)
Strawberry Summer (2012)
Nukie (1987)
Freshman Father (2010)
Leonard, Part 6 (1987)
The Executioner, Part II (1984)
Blood Hook (1986)
A Country Wedding (2015)
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004)
3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)
Interstellar (2014)
A Darker Fifty Shades: The Fetish Set (2015)
Foodfight! (2012)
Christmas Land (2015)

Gems:

Timer (2009)
Mr. Angel (2013)
The Twilight Girls (1957)
Female Misbehavior (1992)
Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood (1996)
Rivers of Fire and Ice (1968)
I Am Frigid…Why? (1972)
Deathrow Gameshow (1987)
200 Motels (1971)
Battling Amazons (1987)
Super Christian (1980)
Lady Terminator (1989)
The Return of Superman (1979)
Recipe For Love (2014)
Love Under The Stars (2015)
Audrey’s Rain (2003)
Motel Hell (1980)
Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator (1989)
The Monster Squad (1987)
Chatterbox! (1977)
Ninja Champion (1985)
All of the movies with Pierre Kirby in them.
Turkish Star Wars (1982)
Return Of The Ewok (1982)
The Curious Female (1970)

Sci-Fi Review: Trancers 5: Sudden Deth (1994, dir. David Nutter)

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Wow! That title card cares about this movie as much as the one for Trancers 4: Jack of Swords did. That is to say, it doesn’t care one bit. And for good reason. This movie sucks! At least it isn’t as depressing as what I’ll mention at the end of this review.

In case you don’t remember the complex and memorable plot of Trancers 4 when you go to watch Trancers 5, it begins with a recap. I’m glad this recap exists. It not only reminds me that nothing happened in Trancers 4, but it also tells me what this lady’s name really is.

That being “the bitch leader of the rebellious peasants” (Terri Ivens). You see, this is what happens when you get one of the villains of the movie to do your recap. They will resort to name calling. The only new thing it adds is that shortly after Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) killed Caliban (Clabe Hartley) they used hit and run tactics for a month before launching an attack on the castle. Cut to the attack on the castle and this guy keeps saying “Deth is coming!” Very true, as he learns from Jack’s gun.

One eye (Mark Arnold) here flees the castle, but first he takes the painting from Ghostbusters II.

Oh, yeah! That means what you think it means. This movie is that stupid. Meanwhile, it’s time for Jack and Lyra (Stacie Randall) to have another hilarious scene together. Lyra being the girl from the future who was tough and smart, but in the past is super submissive. Jack still isn’t happy about that. Aside from the sex thing.

Then a scene happens that I’m sure was the inspiration for Stephenie Meyer’s June 2, 2003 dream that inspired the Twilight series.

That’s Prospero (Ty Miller) who is a Trancer/vampire and the bitch…okay, her name is Shaleen. She is in love with him, but his hunger causes him to need to feed, and she is willing to let him. Nope. Nothing Twilighty going on here. Meanwhile, Jack is in the library trying to understand his contract to make Trancers 4 & 5 which apparently had him paid in money he could only spend in Romania.

Actually, it’s some random gibberish that talks about inter-dimensional travel or something. Oh, then this happens.

Yep! Caliban is back. Why? Probably the same reason why Jack getting struck by lightning at the end of the fourth film simply transported him behind Caliban so he could shoot him. Plot convenience. Whatever, it’s back to Jack and Prospero. All you need to know is Jack needs to go get something called the Tiamond. Where does he need to go to get it you might ask? Stupid question! Of course it’s The Castle of Unrelenting Terror. Where did you think he was going to have to go? To a 7-Eleven?

Now Shaleen’s breasts say goodbye. Jack then tells Lyra he has to go and gives us some words of wisdom: “A woman isn’t a real woman unless she makes you want to smack her in the chops. Not doing it makes you a real man.” Thanks, Jack! I mean I can’t say I really disagree with the point of the line…I think, but that’s certainly an interesting way of putting it. Now Jack and Prospero are off to The Castle Of Unrelenting Bullshit.

Jack and Prospero sit down to let Ty Miller attempt acting before Taylor Lautner shows up.

They just throw him some food and he leaves. Wait I’m sorry. I forgot that it turns out the food tastes like shit, but Prospero has some drink for Jack that will make him care about its shitty taste less. Very important lines. Then some guy shows up, tries to kill Prospero, and Lautner kills him. Who cares, we need to get through this thing as fast as possible. As Jack puts it, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Now we get more scenes of Ty Miller acting. These scenes are just to remind us that Prospero is a good guy, but Jack doesn’t trust him cause he is a Trancer after all. Then we cut to Lyra who wanders somewhere in the castle to start drawing. It really doesn’t matter. Next they arrive at The Castle Of Unrelenting Nonsense.

They would’ve painted the girls green, but then Roddenberry’s estate would have sued their asses off. They basically serve the same purpose as Orion Slave Girls trying to keep Jack and Prospero in a state of bliss that will cause them to rot away. Makes me wonder though. If two women had arrived at the castle, then would these have been men? Can the castle tell what your sexual preference is and tailor these people to match it? Doesn’t matter. Jack figures it out and gets hit with a giant hand.

Then he cuts off the arm it’s attached to and throws it on the ground.

On to the next room of The Castle Of Unrelenting Things From Other Movies And TV Shows.

Zombies! At least I think they’re zombies. They sound like it and move towards them like they are. However, Jack just tells them to “suck floor”. They do just that, and scene!

Meanwhile, Lyra is back at the castle padding the movie out by drawing things. Back in the actual plot of the film, Jack and Prospero come to a room where Prospero is struck down with noise.

Then the dumbest scene of the same actor playing themselves twice in the same scene happens. It’s like watching the Disney Channel show Liv and Maddie if they used no special effects at all, but kept cutting to single shots of Dove Cameron pretending to be different characters with an occasional arm reaching towards her. Yep. Jack fights with himself. Here you go.

Good Jack

Evil Jack

Fighting

The whole scene is like that. Evil Jack has the Tiamond and now Please Get Me Out Of This Movie Jack has the Tiamond. The dog is back and transforms into Caliban, but in between we get the dog wearing a vest!

Needless to say Caliban takes the Tiamond away and uses it to make this happen…

before going through that vortex, as they call it.

Now the movie has all the characters make a mad dash back to the main set. Back at the castle poor Shaleen’s breasts get squished.

Why you ask? Because the movie needs to reference Back To The Future now. Isn’t it obvious? No? Let me help you out. She is Lorraine Baines.

He is Biff Tannen.

That’s Marty/George McFly AKA Jeff Moldovan who was the stunt coordinator on the film.

The fight.

The fist.

The knockout.

Not perfect, but I have absolutely no doubt that’s what they were referencing with that scene.

Anyways, Prospero shows up and lifts the styrofoam off of her body. However, Caliban shows up and starts making impressive use of The Force to do more than just open up doors this time.

Caliban has a showdown with Jack and Prospero. After knocking Jack down, Prospero stabs him, then Jack shoots the Tiamond saying, “Back to L.A. you son of a bitch!” They turn yellow and disappear. I love what follows.

There’s this shot of Shaleen looking around in amazement for a full 10 seconds. It’s hilarious. Now we cut back to the future. Oh, and past Lyra is pregnant. Doesn’t matter.

Initially they think they have lost Jack and talk about him in the past tense. The problem is that before they start talking about him, Jack and Prospero come through the door. It means Lyra and the guy banging Jack’s ex-wife didn’t hear the door open up right behind them. Then Jack is reunited with Lyra and iris shot!

So, you want to watch something depressing? Watch Trancers 3, 4, and 5. Want to crank it up a notch? Watch the behind the scenes featurette on the Trancers 5 DVD where it’s obvious that Thomerson was having none of this movie. Not sad enough? I can make it worse. Actor Clabe Hartley now owns a restaurant in Venice Beach, California. This year a homeless person came into his restaurant, harassed some customers, then BIT PART OF HARTLEY’S FINGER OFF! And they couldn’t reattach it. Instead of our usual look on Thomerson’s face, I have embedded the news story below.

Hallmark Review: Christmas Land (2015, dir. Sam Irvin)

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I’m going to go ahead and quote The Cinema Snob review of Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989): Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wibble Wobble Wazzle Woodle What The Fuck?

Oh, this is bad.

The movie opens up by showing us some Christmas decorations before cutting to the front of a private residence. Inside there are six kids sitting at a table when a woman played by Maureen McCormick of Brady Bunch fame walks in with a picture of herself looking down on everyone from the background.

She circles around them before saying to one of the kids that the ornament she is holding isn’t quite right. The little girl says she’s right because it’s missing something to this woman she identifies as her grandma. Grandma tells the kid to add glitter. The little girl says, “You were right! Now it’s beautiful.” Here is the shot of Grandma’s face as she says it.

Grandma responds with, “Just like you.” Then she gets up to say, “Children my name is Glinda Stanwyck, and I love Christmas so much that I created this entire holiday village for you and your families to come and enjoy. But it’s getting late, and you don’t wanna miss the Christmas tree lighting ceremony, do you?” Where are their families? Parents maybe? Cut to the outside and apparently we are in some place called Christmas Land.

A white carriage starts going down the center of town. Then this happens.

The kid says, “I love you, Grandma!” They get out of the sleigh and Grandma Glinda goes to a podium to say Merry Christmas. Everyone follows with Merry Christmas. They light a tree and after Glinda says to the little girl she’ll, “never forget you”, it cuts to New York City 25 Years Later.

Yes, it all comes across as creepy as I hope I got across to you with the screenshots and dialogue quotes. Why? Why was it necessary to have it start with Maureen McCormick coming across this way? Oh, and that’s just the beginning. There’s more to come. Even my Dad who loves watching these Hallmark movies and cries at every one of them thought these opening scenes were creepy. I’m just gonna say it. She comes across as a pedophile. No joke. It’s really weird.

Next we are introduced to that little girl as an adult. Her name is Jules Cooper played by Nikki Deloach. She has started a business campaign called “Wear Red. Go Green” for a coffee store chain. This is when Ms. Nickerson played by Cynthia Gibb comes up to her and thanks her for her work on the campaign for her business. I wouldn’t bother introducing her character, but she is one of the things that makes this movie weirder in the one additional scene after this in which she appears.

After her boss thanks her for her work and offers her a promotion, we are introduced to Jules’ boyfriend (Jason-Shane Scott). Better known as guy who will add another really odd thing to this movie. I would mention her ugly top that looks like it was designed by Jason Voorhees and his machete, but who cares when there’s so much more to talk about. He starts looking through the mail and there’s a special piece of it. Turns out she has inherited Good Witch Grandma Glinda’s Christmas Land. Cut to modern day Christmas Land.

This is when we are introduced to a guy who is every small town attorney/doctor/big city, but living in a small town profession person. In this case, his name is Tucker Barnes (Luke Macfarlane). He remembers her and Grandma Glinda. She thought she just inherited the Christmas tree lot, the house, and the buildings around them, but he tells her she now owns “everything the eye can see from here…” Considering they are walking down main street and can only see the buildings she already mentioned, I am not sure what he is referring to, but later we will be told 200 acres in a contract and 206 acres by another character. She’s been in town for only a few minutes and has been treated well. That’s why we meet Uncle Frank (Wes Wright)!

He initially acts weird thinking she has come to take up her Grandma’s throne for no logical reason whatsoever and when she tells him she is considering selling the place he all but calls her a bitch before storming off. No joke. She has just shown up in town, doesn’t show an immediate desire to run a theme park, so he treats her like garbage. Think he is going to actually apologize for this. Nope! He will issue an empty and meaningless “apology” only because she said she might have changed her mind. The only slight excuse here is that Tucker may have said that she might be coming back to reopen the place. In other words, he is part of the jumping to conclusions thing, but is far more down to Earth and realistic about it.

Now Tucker talks to Jules and shows a great deal of enthusiasm and love for the place. We will also find out later that he just genuinely likes living there. Think that would lead her to not sell the place, but give him control of it seeing as she thinks it’s a special place, doesn’t have what a place like this needs, doesn’t have a deep connection to it, and isn’t the person the film tells you right here should obviously run the place to touch the lives in the wonderful way her grandmother did? Of course not! The rest of the movie will be convoluted BS where characters act irrationally to push this film towards a conclusion that makes no sense.

Now she is introduced to two more ladies who tell her how much they are glad she is going to reopen the place even though they have no reason to believe that. After she tells them that she doesn’t plan to reopen the place, they also treat her like garbage. Well, to be fair to them. Cue ball Uncle Frank pops in to take a dump on Jules again, then the ladies also turn on her. One of them even asks, “then what is she doing here then?” Hmmm… maybe to take a look at the place she inherited out of the blue from a woman she presumedly hasn’t seen in 25 years. But yeah, that means she’s an evil woman who has come to mislead them and needs to be demonized. After Jules dares to say that she doesn’t live there and that she has a job and an apartment in New York she receives this line from this woman before the lady storms out of the room.

Tucker has her look at some papers and say that Glinda had buyers over the years who she ignored because they had their own ideas about the place. Won’t say what those ideas are, but it’s assumed they are evil. Jules decides to take a look around the place. Probably because she is worried they will crucify her if she doesn’t. Then a little girl is marched in front of her to guilt her some more so she lies that she is going reopen Christmas Land. I might too considering I’m surrounded by crazy people who seem like they are on the brink of attacking me.

Now Jules calls her boyfriend up to tell him she is reopening Christmas Land. She talks about brining the place back to it’s former glory in order to sell it. In other words, make sure the place is in pristine condition so that whoever she sells it to will see it in all it’s beauty rather than a rundown 200 acres. Evil! Of course as soon as she mentions that it’s 200 acres, her boyfriend gets really happy before telling her he will find her a buyer. At least he seems like he’s legitimately shady. Oh, and we are only 25 minutes into this thing. There’s more!

Now Tucker tells her that Uncle Frank and the nice ladies she met are getting Glinda’s house ready for her to move in. You know, the guy who came up to her and barely stopped from calling her a bitch, and the ladies who came in and treated her in a similar manner. Those people!

Cut to the house and she says that she is not thinking about moving in, but getting the place up and running since apparently to be treated like a human being in Christmas Land means you have to spell out everything to people or they will jump to baseless conclusions and treat you like crap when you don’t meet their unfounded expectations. Then Tucker guilts her under the guise of telling her why he likes living in this small town. Now her boyfriend calls up to drop another weird element into this movie.

Turns out jerk off boyfriend knows Tucker from law school and that “he had a reputation.” Think they will explain that? Nope! It cuts to the outside of the house to show Tucker getting into a car before cutting back to their conversation. Later he will allude to that this reputation has to do with barns. In other words, bestiality. Wow! Let’s keep going.

The next morning Frank is making pancakes so he can say he’s sorry. And by sorry I mean I’m sorry because you appear to be doing what I wanted you to do in the first place: “Jules, I wanted to apologize about yesterday and how harsh I was. Tucker said that you’re gonna be opening up the old place again.” Hmmm… was it too hard to have this character we are supposed to like simply say, “I’m sorry”? Even Gloria Steinem’s apology for her, and other feminists of her era, comments about people like myself (trans woman) for being self-mutilators sounded more genuine. Anyways, that’s human rights and we are here to discuss what the fuck.

Jules discovers Glinda’s Santa costume, which she will wear for numerous scenes in the movie. Yeah, that makes sense. After everyone in town jumped to wild conclusions without any basis, let’s parade around in this to…fuck with them??? She even tells the lawyer she still intends on selling the place. This is when she says to the lawyer that she intends to find a buyer who will keep the place open. She could just continue to own it and give it to Tucker to run on a day to day basis. Never mind. Realistic solutions and actual compromise are for the Hallmark movie Lead With Your Heart. A much better movie. She even says, “Keep everyone’s spirits up. Seem’s like you’re the one who does that anyways.” 38 minutes into this now.

Now we see that the carriage she rode in as a kid could use some fixing up before visiting the tree lot. If you go to IMDb at the time of writing this, the plot summary will say that she inherits a Christmas tree lot. No mention that she has actually inherited a mini-Christmas themed Disneyland sans rides. Then she says the typical Hallmark I’m out of touch because I actually have intelligent business ideas lines.

Now in case we forgot how creepy the opening of this movie is, it’s time to recreate it with Jules. The difference is we have had setup, there are other adults in the room, there’s context, and Jules doesn’t act weird. Next we visit the store…

and meet Harry Belafonte…I mean George. Belafonte is who I immediately thought of when I saw him. George is actually nice to her. Isn’t that amazing. He even has useful things to say. You’d think there’d be mention of how Christmas Land touched people’s lives and that that’s whats important rather than her replacing her Grandma, but George is the only one to really bring that up. He talks about how Christmas Land helped to save the local businesses and thus the community. But enough of reasonable people. We need to get back to the crazy. Now we get a montage of fixing up the town.

Then we cut to Frank at the Christmas tree lot. He has actually embraced Jules’ ideas and gives the customer 25% off christmas decorations or lights because he is buying a tree. I’m just going to assume Frank fell off a ladder during the montage and hasn’t recovered yet from the blow to his head. Either that or this is an example of characters who are all over the place as the screenwriters command to force this plot to come to fruition. We need more weird. Where’s that boyfriend?

He comes in the barn and recognizes Tucker. He tells Jules she looks like a hobo, but “it’s great to see you.” He says to Tucker, “‘Though I’m not surprised to find you in a barn.” What is this reputation they mentioned earlier, and is that what this barn comment has to do with? Somebody explain this to me. Then the boyfriend once again brings up the barn.

Later it turns out that Tucker graduated top of their law class. I would simply have written this barn stuff off as him insulting Tucker for being so smart, but retreating to a nowhere town. However, after his comments the last time he was in the movie about a “reputation”, I have to think he means something else other than a fondness of his hometown. And we have reached the one hour mark. Cynthia Gibb still hasn’t returned for her weird addition to this film.

Good luck for Jules though, because the boyfriend has a buyer lined up, and he even knows about Christmas Land. Oh, and here’s a picture of Tucker looking like he wants to crack the boyfriend’s nuts like the statue next to him cause apparently I snapped it and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Now we get a scene to remind us that Jules is getting into the role because her wearing the costume didn’t already tell us that. This is followed by Tucker bitching about having to lie to the people of the town. Now she goes back to Chicago to meet the buyer. It’s Richard Karn!

Oh, but before they meet him, Tucker reminds us of the barn again. Can’t let us forget that movie, can you?

He says he has a fondness for Christmas Land and took his family there years ago. Then after handing her a check for $1,700,000, she just blindly signs his contract. She tells him it’s her Grandma’s legacy and that she doesn’t want to see it tarnished, but apparently that doesn’t mean bothering to read the contract. If she acted like she had a brain, then how are we going to have a third act?

And literally two minutes later in the movie…

this guy shows up and says he is going to bulldoze the place and chop it up into lots. Oh, my God! It’s like the guy who bought the land wants to do with it as he pleases. I had no idea that selling someone something meant they can do with it as they please…said no one watching this movie. And certainly not someone who is supposed to have the business experience she has at the beginning of this movie. After finding out her boyfriend is a douche. We are in the last 30 minutes or so of this movie. How is she going to get out of this?

She goes to Karn to complain. Karn actually is remarkably reasonable. He tells her that he’s okay flipping it back to her for a profit. It’s reasonable. He sees she cares about the place and it doesn’t make him evil that he wants to make a profit from his investment. She has a check from him for 1.7 million. He wants 3 million. That means she needs 1.3 million dollars by Christmas, and he’ll rip up the contract to give her back the property.

After she watches that creepy video her Grandma shot of her in the carriage, she places a phone call to Cynthia Gibb. At this point, I honestly didn’t expect to see her again in the movie.

She tells Jules that she will provide $850,000 dollars if they will give her the exclusive right to serve Nickerson’s Coffee at Christmas Land. She does this all while acting like that’s a prostitute sitting next to her. Actually, I believe he is a guy named Tim that was in barely a few seconds at the beginning of the film and is a photographer. But seriously, this scene makes it look like he’s a prostitute. I’m sorry, it does.

Anyhow! This means she needs $450,000. I said to my Dad how is she going to get that money? He said she’ll probably find it somewhere on the property. Not too far off. Remember Frank?

He has a huge wad of cash just sitting in a can. You know, as people living in a small town with no apparent income, life, or any kind of existence whatsoever are known to have. And it’s not just him.

The town is able to raise $450,000. And by the whole town, I mean it appears to be the three other people other than Frank that we have met. Yep, this town apparently is loaded. Now Christmas Land is saved with Jules taking over as the people who treated her like shit when she showed up wanted her to.

Wow! So let’s summarize here. We had Maureen McCormick looking like a pedophile. People treating the lead like crap. People acting in ways that don’t make sense when there’s an obvious compromise right in front of their face. Signing contracts without reading them because the plot desperately needed a final speed bump. A character that comes across as a prostitute. Oh, and the numerous allusions that Tucker likes to have sex with animals in a barn. God, I hope I didn’t miss something.

The saddest part here is that I actually liked Nikki Deloach and Jason-Shane Scott in the leads. If this hadn’t been absolutely insane, but an actual movie, then I could have enjoyed it. As it is, it’s the worst Hallmark Christmas movie I’ve seen…so far. Also, one of the worst Hallmark movies I’ve seen in general. That’s out of the 141 I’ve seen at the time of writing this review.

Hallmark Review: The Magic Stocking (2015, dir. David Winning)

Posted on December 21, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

And by the “Township of Gilford”, they mean Pitt Meadows, British Columbia, Canada, which based on the Street View on Google Maps looks like a beautiful place to live. The sign normally says Waterfront Commons Park. I know this because they left this shot in the movie and the town square is distinctive as well as the physical centerpiece of the film.

Also, there is a British Columbia license plate later, but let’s introduce our leading lady named Lindsey Monroe played by none other than Bridget Regan.

You know, Fiona from The Leisure Class.

In this alternate universe she has a daughter from a previous marriage. That marriage came to an end because her husband died. I swear Hallmark movies kill more parents than any other movies I know about. The deal is that the mayor named Fred (Fred Henderson) wants her to work with Scott Terrell (Victor Webster) to restore the township’s historic gazebo.

Scott is an odd duck. He insists that the gazebo be restored to the exact way it used to be, complete with period accurate Christmas lights, and it was even built by his grandfather, but he doesn’t have a picture of it himself because it’s convenient for the plot. Seriously, once he tells you why he is so stubborn about having a historical reference for the gazebo you keep asking yourself why he doesn’t have one already. I mean he even promised his grandfather about the gazebo. Yet, he will harass Lindsey about finding an accurate picture of how the gazebo used to look. He eventually does find it, but it’s a bit ridiculous up till then and feels like Lindsey is playing a point and click adventure looking for the item she needs to complete his quest.

Well, anyways, we have two more people. We already mentioned the daughter…

and she wants a dog for Christmas, but instead, some random lady sells her a stocking. A magic stocking you might say. Enough of her though cause we now have Grandma Donna (Iris Quinn).

She has shown up for Christmas with a tree in tow. What’s hilarious here is that they bothered to make sure her car has a Florida license plate and bumper sticker.

Yet, there’s also this shot of a British Columbia license plate on Scott’s car.

I’m not sure what’s up with that cause I don’t really remember any specific references to say this is supposed to take place in the US. However, it’s Hallmark, so I think it’s a fair assumption they want you to believe this is the US.

Once Donna shows up then you quickly stumble across the high point of this movie. It’s not Lindsey and Scott. It’s not the little girl and her stocking that delivers plot useful items when the camera cuts. It’s not even restoring the gazebo. It’s watching Fred and Donna together.

Almost the instant she shows up, Mayor Fred knocks on the door to hit on her apparently having bought every flower at the shop for her. Really, I could and basically will just stop here and say this. The movie has the stocking delivering things from beyond, presumedly from the dead husband, to cheer up Lindsey and ultimately get the daughter a dog. Lindsey and Scott spend time together so they can end up together. The gazebo does get restored and they even get period specific Christmas lights for it. All the while we sit waiting for the scenes with Fred and Donna. They play well off each other. They aren’t wasted older actors like you see in some of these Hallmark movies. They are fun and full of life. They took what seriously is a rather dull and paint by numbers heart strings Hallmark movie and took it up a notch. I could watch a whole movie with just actors Fred Henderson and Iris Quinn together. If you’re already the Hallmark type, and you know who you are, then put up with the lackluster stuff for their scenes.

I guess there’s only a couple of other things to mention. Pay close attention to the conversation the daughter has with the mother about the dead father having wanted to get her a dog. I say this because otherwise the conversation between Lindsey and Donna at the end of the movie about the dog will leave you scratching your head thinking the daughter already knew what they say she doesn’t. I certainly was wondering and had to look back at my screenshots to figure out the subtle detail I missed.

Also, there’s a part where Donna leaves at night to go out with Fred, then we get a daytime scene with Lindsey followed by a night time scene where Donna returns from her date. Not sure if that’s a mistake or not. You’d think something simple like looking at the windows in the house when she leaves would tell you but…

some of the windows say night and the others say day, but when she returns…

those same daytime windows tell you night and in between is an unmistakable daytime scene.

Oh, well. Who cares? Donna seems to have had a really good time.

This may be called Magic Stocking and there are other plot elements here, but you are watching this for the chemistry between actors Fred Henderson and Iris Quinn. Just know that going in.

Sci-Fi TV Review: Spicy City Ep. 1: “Love Is a Download” (1997, dir. John Kafka)

Posted on December 20, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Back in the 90s when I was a kid I would occasionally be up late watching whatever was on cable. Sometimes it was one of those late night cable movies I review and other times it was some adult themed show I wasn’t going to see on network television. In this case there was a very short lived animated series called Spicy City on HBO that was created by Ralph Bakshi of American Pop and Fritz The Cat fame. Each episode would have a character named Raven, voiced by Michelle Phillips, who would introduce us to some story that took place in it’s cartoon film noir Blade Runner type future. I thought I would revisit this show for the fun of it.

This episode opens up as a severely overweight man with a robotic arm is thrown out of the bar Raven is at. She goes into a side room where there are some booths that allow you jack into a virtual world. She enters it, and we enter the story.

This is our main character (I say that cause I really didn’t pick up his name in the episode) who enters the virtual world and because they are only working with about a half hour here, he immediately meets a girl that he falls for.

But before this goes anywhere, there’s a knock on her door and she leaves the virtual world. This is when we are introduced to Alice (Mary Mara) and her scuzzbucket boyfriend Jake (John Hostetter).

She’s hot and sad while he’s a sleaze and would love it if he could get rid of the “bitch inside”, but keep the body. Alice and our hero meet up again briefly that way they can tell us how the episode is going to end. He mentions he has something called a “brain scan” so that she never has to leave the virtual world.

Jake decides to visit the best virtual investigator around, which happens to be our hero. He says his wife died recently, but a virtual avatar she made to keep him company while he is on the net won’t leave him alone. He wants her deleted. He warns Jake that could kill someone if they are real, but a little money flashed his way gets him jacked in.

Of course Jake’s avatar is a shark. In no time they run across Alice, and Jake reveals his true colors. They jack out and Jake takes the software that can be used to delete Alice. Now he has to go back in to try and stop her from being killed, but Jake is already getting to work on destroying her soul.

They wind up in a place where the virtual world deletes unneeded things. He keeps begging her to jack out, but she won’t because she doesn’t want to go back. She ends up on the conveyor belt to death as she screams for help.

Jake shows up and sends both him and our hero to a boxing ring. Jake proceeds to beat the crap out of him. That is until he gets a little love boost…

After stopping Jake in the ring, he returns to the belt, decompresses her, and they fall to their death/deletion..sort of. Jake comes in and finds that “the bitch is gone, but the party’s still on.” Well, sort of.

She crumbles into a pile of dust. Don’t worry about Jake cause he just calls up some other girl to use. Meanwhile, the brain scan our hero turned on at the last minute worked and to borrow from Brazil: Love Conquers All.

Then we cut back to Raven next to the guy she went inside with.

Well, it’s nice to know that Raven and this random guy were going at it while we were being told the story of two people who killed themselves to be together. A story that when they are seconds away from falling to their deletion still manages to get me choked up. I’m very weird about what things will and won’t make me emotional. Apparently, the first episode of Spicy City does it for me.

Sci-Fi Review: Trancers 4: Jack of Swords (1994, dir. David Nutter)

Posted on December 19, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Yes, there’s more of these. And three more after this one. At least this one is sort of a step up from the third one in that they let Tim Thomerson do more comedy and self aware jokes than the particularly lousy Trancers III. The movie opens up with a castle followed by this picture of Jack Deth and someone says, “now it begins”. Unfortunately, it doesn’t end with this movie because this one and the fifth film are really one movie divided into two.

Then cut to Los Angeles where Jack gives his usual voiceover only this time it’s to tell us that he’s basically just a time cop now because all the Trancers have been dealt with. Thomerson now walks through a brightly lit door and proceeds to do a little standup routine. Makes sense, he was once a standup comedian. Remember that fish head cyborg thing that he was paired up with at the end of Trancers III? Well…

he didn’t make it. And neither did anyone else from the previous Trancers movies except Tim and one of the guys who was on the council at the end of the previous film. Thomerson has some humorous lines about this. This is when you realize the movie is going to be self aware, which is a welcome return since the first one did that as well. Then we cut to a bar to be introduced to Jack’s love interest for this movie. If you can call her that. Afterwards we see Jack, a gun, and an awesome lamp.

I wonder what contest I need to win in order to get that lamp. Now Jack goes to get his mission and of course it’s the same lady he ran into at the bar. Oh, and here’s every man’s worst nightmare.

Apparently, this knife will cut through anything. That will come in use later. She has also improved the long second watch so that it can recharge. That will also come in use later for a comedy bit. He also gets an RBG-7. It’s the Trancers version of the BFG. Do I need to spell it out for you: Really Big Gun. It can recharge like Mr. Fusion from Back To The Future. Just shove things up it’s butt as she says. Oh, I’m sorry, “shove it up your butt”. She says she would have made an inflatable doll of herself for him, but she didn’t have the time. Considering the lines he has later with a different version of her, his lines about her being a smart ass here are kind of funny. Anyways, after Jack tells his boss he doesn’t appreciate that he’s been “fucking” his wife, a plot device grabs him, and he’s sent somewhere in time and space.

Jack was originally supposed to go to Topeka, Kansas, but he winds up…who cares cause look, a Trancer!

Sorry, I mean a “fucking Trancer!” This movie has more cursing and some tits for it’s R rating. Well, as you might have guessed, his Really Big Gun doesn’t do Jack Shit (Jack’s nickname in this). So Jack just stabs him and after changing colors a few times, he disappears like any good Trancer should. Here’s our bad guy.

He knows it’s important to show the girl’s breast to the camera before you kill her. Seriously, he opens up a girl’s dress just to show her breasts to the camera then vampire kills her. After the bad guy and bad guy, jr. have an exposition conversation, we cut back to Jack for comedy.

Jack hops into hay. He doesn’t hide under the hay or anything, but the guy driving the thing doesn’t notice. He’ll fall right out of that hay later and no one notices then either. Love it! After we meet people who we don’t care about, we meet this guy who is here to splice this movie into two.

I’d say he’s rocking the Star Wars Emperor look here, but there’s already a Star Wars thing coming in this. He has another picture of Jack in which he is holding up the gun which is going to get struck by lightning or something. I don’t really care. Where’s Jack!

Jack falls out of the hay and gets into a fight. Jack’s jacket gets hit with an arrow…

and then it’s time for more plot. Look, all you need to know is this is some sort of medieval place with medieval Trancers that have to feed on people to stay alive. That’s it! Oh, and here’s the lady from the future who is someone different in this past other world.

Cause of course she is. Now Jack runs into character actor Lochlyn Munro who at the time of writing this has amassed close to 200 acting credits on IMDb.

He’s here to heal Jack and then turn him in. There’s also some plot injected in here before they come to capture him. The bad guy has a son who needs to be initiated and thus needs to kill someone. Who cares. Back with Jack, he discovers that the long second doesn’t exactly work the same way in this world.

The long second actually slows him down instead of everyone else. This is a funny scene as Thomerson moves in slow motion while everyone around him is fascinated till they decide to just knock him out. Jack wakes up a little confused with the love interest who has been told to satisfy him.

Jack gets laid. After the other characters get in the way of us having fun watching Thomerson, he finishes having sex and immediately starts chewing her out for being so submissive. Part way through this Jack realizes the humor of his situation. In the future he was chewing her out for being a bitch and here for putting out at the drop of a hat.

After grabbing a guy out of a painting who must have been watching them the whole time, Jack is led into the bad guy’s castle and captured. Meanwhile, other actors are taking up quality Jack time. The bad guy talks about Jack’s weapons to pad the movie out while Jack is chained against a wall, but Jack says fuck you!

After the girl he just had sex with manages to get the indestructible knife to Jack, he is left alone, and breaks out of his chains by cutting through them using the knife. Now the movie is just a series of action scenes as Jack hooks up with rebels I didn’t bother to mention before and the bad guys search for Jack. Oh, and Jack learns his destiny.

But just before that, bad guy opens a door using The Force.

Then more stuff nobody watching this movie cares about happens. I do love this scene though.

The bad guys stumble upon them and stop. Are they surprised they’re just standing there? Do they think they’re are going to make out or something? Who knows? Who cares. The bad guys end up in traps and die. After more stuff we don’t care about…

this guy falls from the sky to kill somebody with a sword. Now we get the sword battle between Jack and the bad guy. To quote Jack: “En garde, motherfucker!”

Sadly, Jack really doesn’t know how to handle a sword at all. He swings it around in a ridiculous fashion before the guy simply takes it from him and lets Jack run away. Jack finally decides to accept his destiny by going to get struck by lightning. Well, that is after The Wizard Of Oz shows up.

Then he gets struck by lightning.

And what happens you ask? The bad guy goes up to investigate where Jack was and apparently Jack had just teleported behind him. Jack shoots him and after changing colors, he’s dead. Then they say things to tell us there is another movie before posing.

So ends Trancers 4: Jack of Swords. A movie that, while it did have better jokes and lines than the third film, is instantly forgettable and really does have a lot of scenes with actors we don’t care about. I’m not sure why they couldn’t have spent more time with Jack. He’s still very funny. This is the last of the Trancers movies I had already seen. The remaining three are going to be brand new to me.

Well, let’s end this the same as the last three reviews. By that I mean with a great Tim Thomerson look. This time it’s probably the look he gave when he was told he would not be back for Trancers 6.