“There are so many Christmas songs out there. I wanted to give the Jewish kids something to be proud of. We’ve got Adam Sandler’s song, which is hilarious, but I wanted to try to get across some of the depth and spirituality inherent in the holiday in a fun, celebratory song. My boy Kojak was in town so at the last minute we went into the studio in the spirit of miracles and underdogs and this is what we came up with. Happy Hannukah!” — Matisyahu
It also happens to be one of the craziest holiday music videos I’ve come across–Hanukkah or otherwise. Sure, there is that ridiculous Hall & Oates one and the one done by The Ramones, but this one has a Jew getting knocked over by a guy wearing a Santa hat who then wakes up in a bed with a Roman being fed grapes by a lady standing next to said bed. That’s pretty weird, and only the beginning of it.
I know there is sort of a controversy surrounding Matisyahu. It isn’t even listed under a “controversy” section on Wikipedia. He shaved his beard, dyed his hair, got divorced, and moved on from being so religious. That appears to be all there is to it. I just want people to enjoy this fun music video for the holidays.
There are at least two cast members worth mentioning.
Antiochus is played by Tony Cavalero who has gone on to be in quite a few things including Becoming Santa (2015), which Lisa reviewed last year.
Oh, and the lady standing next to the bed is none other than Jacqui Holland of late night cable fame in an early role. Yes, I know she has done other things, but that’s where I know her from and I’ve reviewed all but one of them on the site. I love spotting her in earlier roles. It’s like spotting Marilyn Monroe in movies before she became famous. I didn’t even recognize her till I saw her name in the credits.
There! The first title card, or image on here I’ve had to black box. Thanks, Sal V. Miers! Seriously, I could use the title cards from Debbie Does Dallas (1978), Deep Throat (1972), and even Water Power (1977) just fine. Early 80s ones often look like the title cards for an ABC Movie of the Week for crying out loud! Why was this necessary? I mean that both ways.
That’s my first and last complaint about the director here because, just like his last film Bikini Model Mayhem, I enjoyed the movie. These very rarely turn me on, but Miers obviously knows that a lot of people who aren’t kids don’t watch most of these films for that reason. They watch for the laughs, the spoof, the jokes, the references, etc. He delivers. The central spoof here is of the Netflix show Orange Is The New Black. You knew that was coming because at least this time the title gives you an idea of what the film is going to be about. However, he works in several other references including one I’m really happy about because someone had to do it.
The movie opens up and we are introduced to Georgina (Jacqui Holland), Sarducci (Derrick Pierce), and what I’m pretty sure is a new breed of tribble. According to his credits on IMDb, Derrick here has played the porno version of Lex Luthor, Crossbones, Deadpool, and Bane.
Georgina is a reporter who is trying to get information from this mafioso type about what a Mr. Big did with $50 million dollars from a casino heist. He makes sure she isn’t wearing a wire, which means showing her breasts. We already saw that she is carrying a recorder and just put it in her purse. He’s not too bright. I think that tribble is leaching off his brain. She agrees to let him get his hands on her “fun bags”, but she would prefer a running joke of this movie…
be called the horizontal hula for now. Now we get an odd back and forth about saying yes and no. This guy plays it safe and is generally confused till she makes it clear that she really does mean yes. I really don’t know why it’s there other than to subtly put in a message here for people that unless the person explicitly says yes, then don’t take the chance. Of course they have sex now. The tribble decides to sit this one out. Georgina kindly tosses it on the floor.
Sarducci held up his end of the bargain and “filled [her] in.” Mr. Big has a mistress in prison named Renee Dobbins (Sarah Hunter) who is in jail and not taking interviews. That’s when I’m Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys starts playing as we cut to jail because Georgina is going undercover to get the story she hopes will win her a Pulitzer.
Okay, I’m sure if Sal could have played it, then he would have. The movie does borrow the plot element from The Departed (2006) that you expect. She is lead down a hallway by a guy name Jenkins played by Andrew Espinoza Long. I’ve apparently seen every one of these he’s done. The best is easily when he played G.W. Bushwacker in Bikini Model Mayhem. He takes her to a cell, but is quickly whisked off to meet Warden Thorne.
Warden Thorne is played by veteran actor Katie Morgan. You may have actually seen her in mainstream fair such as Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) and L!fe Happens (2011). She’s here to tell Georgina about rough and tough prison life. She’s also here so Miers can begin the other running gag in this movie at the expense of director Jared Cohn and his stupid sexploitation film Jailbait (2014).
That’s right! Bras! This movie will make sure you know that women wear bras or bra tops. In Jailbait the lead actress would take off her top all the time. She never seemed to have a bra on. This movie makes sure you see it when the scene starts, often keeps them on for a portion of the scene, and has them put it back on afterwards.
Miers may not have been doing this for that reason, but I really like to think this movie is making fun of how ridiculous Jailbait was in that respect. Trust me. If you watch that movie, then you’ll understand.
The Warden tells Georgina that the person she is looking for is in solitary confinement and to keep all this on the down low. I love how they have Jacqui Holland basically do a porno version of Marilyn Monroe in these movies.
We never really believe that she’s an idiot, but she also never plays a character that is super savvy either.
Now Georgina returns to her cell and we meet Erika Jordan playing Crazy Ass. Aside from her numerous Late Night Cable movies, you just might have noticed her in a cameo appearance in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015). Makes sense. I’ve seen at least two actors from these movies show up in SyFy films.
We find out Crazy Ass once lost her girl cause she went straight. Georgina knows her pain because her lover found out he was gay and ran off with her brother. She also mentions that she hasn’t talked to him since the wedding. Based on the two movies I’ve now seen directed by Miers, it’s obvious he has set his guns on current political issues and is quite opinionated about them.
Once again, they keep those tops on to one degree or another for a good period of their scene. This is probably as good a time as any to mention that we have the return of that awful music from some of the worst of these. At least we don’t get the Johnny Wet Pants song here.
After cutting to a shot of the corner of a prison fence, Crazy Ass reminds us there is actually a plot of sorts here. Then she reminds us that this isn’t Drive (1974), despite her threat here.
Also, it wouldn’t pan out because Georgina already had her tonsils removed.
Back in the cell, Georgina needs to make a phone call, which in the universe of an Orange Is The New Black spoof means reminding us about the running joke of the movie.
Again, the movie reminds us that women do indeed wear bras.
They also put them back on.
Georgina makes her phone call, but finds out the person who knew she was undercover in prison has died.
Notice they made sure to put everything back on the desk. Let that be a lesson to you people. If you are going to have sex in somebodies office, then do the courteous thing by cleaning up your mess. We now return to the cell.
Holland, you already made that threat back in Bikini Model Mayhem. You aren’t Arachne from Drive. Plus, if you keep saying that in these movies, then I’m never going to be able to watch the Hallmark movie Flower Shop Mystery: Snipped in the Bud without thinking about that. We are again reminded that women wear bras and are not just waiting around to lift up their top.
Miers put a not so subtle reference to another movie he recently released this year called Vixens from Venus on the wall in the form of a poster of the solar system. At least it doesn’t say it’s from 1991. What the hell was that in Trancers 6 anyways?
Now Miers takes a pot shot at Clinton and his “definition of ‘is’ is” line before cutting to the lunch room so we can finally be introduced to the one other character you have to spoof from Orange Is The New Black.
That’s Sarah Hunter doing her impersonation of actor Laura Prepon’s character Alex Vause. It’s been about a year or so since I’ve watched Orange Is The New Black, but I think Hunter did a good job here. They not only got the look right, but Sarah does the voice as well and the way she carries herself in general. Kudos to you, Sarah. This is Renee Dobbins.
Now the film introduces how this movie is going to end.
No joke. French Toast that is hard as a rock will be Georgina’s salvation here.
After a conversation to mention there really is meant to be a plot here, Jenkins gets called into the Warden’s office so the movie can remind us that the new Star Wars movie has a porny title.
I love the storage cabinets next to him. Looks like something I could go downtown and buy at The Container Store.
Back in gym, Dobbins shows up to play guess who. Then they have sex because Dobbins needs to make sure that Georgina is going to choose to be with her. This is also part of the spoofing of Orange Is The New Black where the show always teased us whether Piper was a lesbian or bisexual. At least up till the point I stopped watching it.
I love how it now cuts to random shots of prison fences like it does throughout, but then immediately cuts to Georgina finishing burping the worm.
Jokes on him though because she won’t be there in the morning. Turns out Dobbins has been digging a hole with the hard French Toast. By a hole, I mean this.
We also find out that Dobbins was Mr. Big the whole time. She has $50 million dollars waiting on the outside for them. We also find out that the Pope may “shit in the woods”, but Georgina isn’t sure. Then they escape, but not before making a joke that it’s funny for a lesbian convict to tell Georgina to keep going straight. The next morning, Jenkins shows up for his burping, Crazy Ass says they’re not there, and she’s happy for them. End of sort of story.
This one isn’t as good as Bikini Model Mayhem. This one does do far less spoof and more sex. That’s unfortunate. However, this one does something I haven’t seen in any of these. It shows a blooper.
I’ve said it several times about him, but now I have found the female equivalent of Frankie Cullen. I watched and reviewed Bikini Model Mayhem, and while this isn’t as good a movie, Jacqui Holland still shows that she is too good for these movies. I’ve seen her in a few other things, but it’s these two films that show her acting ability. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that she has numerous B-Movie horror films lined up. I’m obviously not the only one that has taken notice.
Anyways, let’s talk about Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills.
The movie opens up on what I would swear was stock footage from Roger Corman’s The Raven (1963). Inside the castle we meet Vlad (Daniel Hunter) and he’s brought a woman back to the castle so the movie can open up with a sex scene, but oh no!
Guess that’s a vampire cum shot. Oh, and he bites her, thus turning her into a vampire. Stupid Vlad, he wasn’t supposed to be feeding on people anymore. I mean the show True Blood exists so that means they have synthetic blood in the kitchen. Morticia (Adriana Chechik) isn’t happy with him.
Just as they are talking, Sarah Hunter playing Alexa bursts into the castle and kills the new vampire with holy water.
Yes, yes, yes, I’m aware, so here it is.
Since Alexa is on their trail it means it’s off to their summer home in Beverly Hills.
You know you have been watching some interesting movies when you look at that shot and remember the last time you saw it in a movie there was a pterodactyl flying nearby.
Now we meet Bob (Brandon Ruckdashel) and Jane (Jacqui Holland). Bob is a lawyer cause I guess those sets are cheaper than if he was a surgeon. Jane is a philanthropist of sorts. She’s upset that Bob has forgotten about her fundraising group for the next day. Her charity is The Society to Help the Itinerant Transients. Go ahead and say it, Bob.
Cue Holland and one of her comical facial expressions.
After Bob gets hit on by his secretary, we see Jane notice that some people are moving in nearby during the middle of the night. Of course it’s Vlad and Tish. Vlad puts his face in her crotch and is thankful this isn’t the 1970s. Tish jumps up and down on Vlad’s lap. Then they do what the movie Black Love (1971) taught me is called “dog fashion.” It’s important to get the technical terms correct here.
Bob comes home to find Jane is a little shaken up. I would find it a little odd too, but Bob raises some good points such as that burglars don’t normally turn on lights so everyone knows they are there. Then he tries to make up for missing their romantic dinner. And by that I mean he makes a face that looks really painful out of context.
Not sure what Jane is doing down there, but I’m sure Bob is now free of all the lint in his belly button.
The next morning Bob’s secretary (Jazy Berlin) pays Jane a visit and it turns out the fundraiser was going to do well. I mean she got a band to play called The Winking Vaginas and everything. However, as soon as she sent out an email blast about it, people kind of bailed on her. Bob’s secretary sees the obvious problem.
The girls go and snoop on the house a bit but find nothing of interest. Back at Bob’s office he and the secretary pretend they actually have anything to do with the plot before they do something…make faces…and who really cares. Back to Jane. After reminding Bob that there is nothing wrong with the actor down the street who jogs in the nude, Jane says that she is going to go over and introduce herself to the new neighbors.
Jane quickly discovers something isn’t right when they don’t reflect in her compact, and makes a quick exit. She immediately goes to a bar. That way Alexa can show up to remind us she was once in this movie.
She’s also there so she can stumble into Jane. The two of them talk and now Alexa knows where the vampires are and Jane knows she’s not crazy. Of course she goes home drunk.
Hey Bob! You’re married to a human being, not Winnie the Pooh having a nightmare. The next day Jane and Alexa go an snoop around the vampire’s home. They even find empty coffins. Empty coffins can mean only one thing. It means the two of them go back to Jane’s place and have sex. I love how much trouble it appears that Holland has getting her awfully tight green dress off here.
After the scene that’s there to remind us that most female porn stars have a no bare feet clause in their contract, we get Vlad and Tish discovering someone has been in their home. Then Vlad leaves to have a snack. Who really cares. It’s time for Jane to go and face down these vampires.
One minute you are trying to stop a vampire with a cross, a vampire killer comes in equipped with weapons, but with a little magic you are suddenly in the middle of a threesome. Happens to the best of us. I like the part of this scene where it appears Holland is really trying to stay near the bottom of the frame as she moves into a different position so that she doesn’t completely obscure the camera.
The film now comes to an end by making sure we know that Jane and Bob are still together and that the seductive secretary is out of the picture. That’s because she’s a vampire now.
Overall, this isn’t that good. McKendrick and Holland have done better. If you are looking for a better showcase of Jacqui Holland’s talents, then watch Bikini Model Mayhem. It’s a better film all the way around.
It’s funny, but according to IMDb this movie isn’t going to premiere until January 24th of this year. That must be huge news for Cinemax who had this in their app, which is where I watched it.
That title made me think I was in store for something like Bikini Avengers (2015), which funny enough has some of the same actors in it. Also, that title card does in no way tell you the kind of film you about to watch. Here’s a song that I think does a fine job of telling you what kind of movie this is. That being Alice Cooper’s Elected.
Yep, it’s a parody of pop culture and politics. And it’s actually pretty good.
I knew I was in for something decent when the movie opened with several shots like the one above. It meant someone was going to bother to add a little style and therefore probably actually have a story.
It begins when a woman named Augustine (Katie Morgan) walks into a bar and proceeds to try and seduce a politician named Bill (Eric Masterson). She’s certainly pretty. She’s definitely caught his eye. However, something just isn’t right. When he asks her if he can buy her a drink, she says:
After he tells her he needs to be careful being a politician and all she says:
She says it must have been a program glitch. Don’t know about you, but that’s all the proof I need. She’s hot. Augustine and Bill leave and go to have sex. They seem to be having a good time till…
Then her eyes light up and…
That’s when we cut to a lab where we see a guy in a tie and a guy in a lab coat looking at a monitor showing what the obvious robot…bikini model robot, as she is called, sees. No time for that though because we need to meet our leading lady!
Don’t you love that I felt I needed to crop the title card to keep us from getting in trouble, but his breasts are perfectly G-Rated? Anyways, that’s Megan (Jacqui Holland). She’s canvassing the area to make sure people know to vote for Senator G.W. Bushwacker (Andy Espinoza Long) in his gubernatorial bid. Seeing as he’s got time to kill waiting for the cable guy, he agrees to hear her out. Clearly we need to hear about his positions. Policy positions as she corrects him.
She says that “unlike the other candidates in this race, Senator Bushwacker refuses to go negative.” That’s a load off my mind. I mean as she goes on to say “he could point out that Mayor Jefferson beats his wife, and he’s embezzled millions from the state treasury. And Sterling, well, he got his law degree from a Crackerjack box. And he has a hard drive filled with child pornography, not to mention his involvement in the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby — but he won’t.”
Phew! Good thing Bushwacker doesn’t throw around wild claims. This guy though, he’s skeptical and asks why he should believe what she says. Isn’t it obvious? Those things are in the “talking points” they gave her to take around while knocking on people’s doors. He concedes that those things may be in the talking points, but what’s in it for him. The wheels start turning in her head and she suggests higher wages. Boy this guy is a tough sell though cause he’s “still on the fence.” How about “lower taxes”, she says. “Warmer”, he replies. Then she has a moment of revelation: “How about the government keeping its stinking hands off your Medicare?” Course he’s a young guy so Medicare isn’t really an important issue for him. At this point she says “the choice is clear. It’s either the wife-beating embezzler, the pedophile kidnapper who passes himself off as a lawyer, or Senator G.W. Bushwacker, a true American patriot.” Oh, and then she remembers: “Did I mention you can keep your guns?”
I feel for this guy. I mean lower taxes sounds good. I don’t really have to worry about Medicare at this point, but it’s nice to know he’ll stand up for the elderly. Bushwacker is running a no negative campaign. Plus, he does’t beat his wife, embezzle money, isn’t a pedophile kidnapper, doesn’t pass himself off as a doctor…I mean a lawyer, and he’s a true American patriot. Clearly there is one more thing I know I would certainly need to ask before giving Bushwacker my vote.
I wish I could show you the look actress Jacqui Holland gets on her face as she reluctantly pulls up her top. It’s great! By the way, it’s her film. She steals the show. No sex scene happens though because we have more important things to attend to. We cut to the lab and find out that Bushwacker is working with a doctor to create bikini model robots to embarrass Bushwacker’s opponents. He wants robots so they can’t turn on him later like real women could. Makes sense.
Now we cut to Megan at home with her boyfriend. Megan is kind of broken up. She said, “I could barely even look at myself.” He tries to comfort her, but he clearly just doesn’t understand. She was talking about her most recent Facebook post of course! I mean it only got six likes. What the hell! Maybe some people just didn’t see the dress right.
I can’t say I expected that to come back around again. Regardless, he finds it weird that it’s that which has her broken up and not her taking her top off. Men! “Country first, babe. It was my patriotic duty.” A damn fine American. Oh, and they have sex.
Meanwhile, back in the lab they have made a new bikini model robot and they send her off to go after that lawyer. She says that she is being sexually discriminated against at her job. By that she doesn’t mean that anyone there won’t have sex with her. They’re not that discriminating. They just don’t want her wearing sexy clothes. She works at a retirement center after all. But the lawyer is not easily convinced. He needs to see exactly what happened. Apparently, some guy had a heart attack after she bent over. So she bends her breasts towards his face. He’s a good lawyer though. He says, “He’ll leave no stone unturned.” That means we need to make sure she didn’t bend over in the other direction.
Poor actor Ryan Driller, if he’s not murdered like in Carnal Wishes, then they just shove a butt in his face. Of course they have sex till the photographer shows up.
Over at the campaign headquarters Megan gets to meet G.W. Bushwacker himself. And by that, I mean he tells her to take her clothes off and they have sex. And by they have sex, I mean it’s all in his head. But we do get another great Jacqui Holland facial expression!
Bushwacker invites her and the boyfriend out for drinks. Back in lab, the good scientist (Ted Newsom) makes sure his two bikini models are fully functional. I mean he makes them have sex with each other. At first they are hesitant because they are both girls, but they soon get into it just fine. During this we see a board that tells us bikini stands for Binary Instillation Kinetic Integration Naissant Intelligence. In other words, bullshit. Also, the scientist completely goes away during this scene just in case we weren’t sure that this scene is meant to both be for voyeurs of girl on girl and for people who swap themselves out for one of the girls. Now one of the dumbest things I have ever seen a movie do happens.
Let me explain what’s going on in that shot. The couple at the table are in the foreground, in focus, and are moving their mouths as if they are talking, but no sound whatsoever comes out of their mouths. All the sounds are coming from the guy in the background talking on his cellphone and to the bartender. And this goes on for awhile too. It took me some time to realize what was happening here. It’s not till he walks over to the table that the sound makes sense again. Wow!
One drink leads to another, then another, and Megan decides to ask Bushwacker about gay marriage. They drink to it with “bottoms up”. She says the talking points still say that Mayor Jefferson beats his wife, although he apparently has stopped, but now it also has the new information that he killed a guy. She also calls him on his bullshit about saying other politicians flip flop, but that when he does it he says he has simply “evolved”. According to Bushwacker: “He calls it like he sees it. Until he sees it differently.” Now the boyfriend gets up to take a bathroom break (clearly he’s not presidential material). In there he is ambushed by the two bikini models. Bushwacker then takes her to that bathroom.
That’s brilliant! Clearly somebody should have tried that during one of the debates. On the upside, at least we know Bushwacker will not be passing bathroom laws anytime soon seeing as he clearly doesn’t have a problem with men and women using the same public bathroom.
The next day the boyfriend has some explaining to do! Unfortunately for him, she’s seen the 1974 gay porn called Drive.
We cut back to the lab to find out the lawyer thing barely got a blurb in the paper before cutting back to Megan so we can get this line.
Actually, the movie Bad Johnson (2014) taught me that you just pee out your butthole when that happens. Also, 22 Jump Street (2014) taught us that they will just carve out a vagina for you. There’s plenty of ways to deal with peeing without a penis. Luckily for him, she does let him keep it. That’s when the robots show up before cutting to the lab.
Bushwacker doesn’t believe that his opponents will fall for the bikini models again. The scientist responds with, “Hmm, fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, can’t get fooled again.” Bushwacker responds with, “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” This is the greatest part of the movie for me. Remember when G.W. Bush ran for president the first time? Remember one of his campaign songs? It was Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who.
I remember very clearly because as soon as the news story talking about it ended, and it went back to the anchors, they immediately brought up that it was odd he was using it considering the song ends with the line: “Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.”
Now Megan and the bikini models show up at the lab and lead Bushwacker to believe they are on his side. They even have an orgy with him. But then…
However, it doesn’t mean the scientist is off the hook. He did kind of make all this nastiness possible. His response is that “we all have our little peccadilloes.” Or as he puts it succinctly, he gets his kicks from “schadenfreude”. Cue sirens and Megan says: “I think I hear your ride now.”
This is the kind of late night cable movie I love. If you are looking for one of these movies to check out, then just like Carnal Wishes, I recommend this one. Heck, I think I recommend this one even more. At least of the ones in the Cinemax app.
Through the Shattered Lens 