Beauty and the Beast Cordially Invites You


Anyone who grew up during the late 80’s and through the early 90’s saw the return to it’s Golden Age of Disney animation. The Little Mermaid was the first to start it, but it was the follow-up animated film Beauty and the Beast which announced loudly that Disney was back after years upon years of lackluster and underwhelming animated films.

Disney is now in the midst of another era of dominating the film industry with both it’s live-action and animated films. Recent years saw Disney take some of its classic animated films of the past and adapt them into live-action films. We’ve gotten live-action version of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty (redone as Maleficent)

Next in line is the upcoming live-action adaptation of Disney’s own animated film (which itself was an adaptation of earlier films of the same title and premise) of Beauty and the Beast with Emma Watson, Dan Stevens and Luke Evans taking on the three iconic roles of Belle, the Beast and Gaston.

Beauty and the Beast is set to invite all as its guests on March 17, 2017.

Channel Zero: Guest of Honor, Season 1 Episode 5; ALT Title: Who has time for the dentist?!


Challenges for mankind to endure: Chlamydia, Explosive Diarrhea, Channel Zero.   I’m not writing that Channel Zero is identical to chlamydia; to get chlamydia, you needed to have fun at least once.

Open: Jessica is exsanguinating in a kiddie pool.

Marla’s House:  Marla is being pretty nice to her son and granddaughter.  Mike looks like Hell and he goes to the bathroom to see that there is a tooth growing out of his upper gums. The episode goes downhill from here, but stick with me and we can get through this together.

Mike’s Wife arrives and it’s very banal.  It’s not like anything happened like his creepy brother Eddie Stabbypants was possessing Lilly!  Then, Amy shows up and breaks the meh news that Jessica is stabbed to death.

The Station: Deputy orders an APB for Tooth Teacher, leaving her understaffed.  However, Amy’s manpower issue creates a good contrived plot point.  I can’t imagine why she did an APB; everyone in this town is pretty ok with stabbing and being stabbed.  They should really include their stabbiness at the Chamber of Commerce Visitor’s Center.

Mike decides that he wants to go to Tooth Teacher’s house.  Amy can’t spare any cops; so, the obvious choice is Gary who is grieving his wife’s murder and kidnapped Mike.  Fine. They arrive and look around Tooth Teacher’s home and find some ersatz Candle Cove props.  Tooth Teacher calls Mike and convinces him to see her alone at a random location.  He goes because fine.

Dork Deputy is assigned to find Mike.  Dork Deputy is able to find Mike easily somehow.  When he finds Mike, he is talked into waiting alone for Mike because this would make sense someway. Shit, I forgot to take my stupid pills before watching this show.  Quick, just hit me with a fucking hammer in the head.  Don’t hold back.   WHAM!!! AHHHHHHHH.   Dork Deputy is promptly stabbed by Tooth Teacher who is dressed in an almost certainly Value Village/Goodwill purchased costume. For some reason, Mike takes a nap and a has dream sequence with him as a marionette. Really…I mean…Really, this scene was written and filmed … on purpose.  

Tooth Teacher shows up at Mike’s house and INSISTS that he and his mom eat pie.  He looks like shit.  We learn that Eddie is very powerful and created Candle Cove.  In the past, the Tooth Teacher was having a seizure and Eddie relieved Tooth Teacher of a seizure, making her a permanent disciple.  As a good cult member, she let Eddie kill her only son because that’s what people do.  Tooth Teach explains that Eddie is slowly possessing Mike now.  All of this was over only ONE slice of pie. I think she should’ve thrown in some ice cream or fruit.  It’s clear that the gross tooth is a possession tooth.

Mike’s response is to be aaaaaa dennnnnntist [sung] and pulls the Possession Tooth out.

A motel: Lilly is with her mom at a hotel and then ends up in the TV in Candle Cove somehow.  Roll Credits.

This was pretty par for Channel Zero.  They tried to build suspense and it was just boring.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #2: Mommy’s Secret (dir by Terry Miles)

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)


The next film that I watched off of my DVR was yet another Canadian-produced Lifetime film.  This one was called Mommy’s Secret and I recorded it off of Lifetime on October 8th.  I was on vacation when Mommy’s Secret originally aired, which is why I’m only now getting around to reviewing it.

Mommy’s Secret opens with a bank robbery.  The robber appears to a skinny man who wears a baseball cap and has a goat-tee.  He’s not a violent robber.  He doesn’t threaten people or fire guns into the ceiling or anything like that.  Instead, he simply slips the teller a note, collects his money, and then flees on his bicycle.  We watch as the robber skillfully avoids the police, riding his bike to a parked SUV….

Hmmmm….a bank robber driving a SUV.  That’s … interesting.

After stashing his bike and the money in the back of the SUV, the robber steps out of the way and the camera zooms in on a bumper sticker.  “PTA” it reads.

Hmmm…does that stand for Pernicious Thieves Association?  Or, actually, could our robber be a member of the Parent-Teacher Association?

The robber gets in the SUV.  He removes his baseball cap and … wow, he’s get really nice hair.  He then proceeds to remove his goatee and …. OH MY GOD, IT’S CHARISMA CARPENTER!

That’s right!  Charisma Carpenter plays a bank robber in Mommy’s Secret.  However, it turns out that the character she plays, suburban mom Anne Harding, has a good reason for robbing all those banks.  Her husband has recently died and the insurance money has dried up.  Her teenage daughter, Denise (Sarah Grey), is a soccer phenom who might be able to get a college scholarship but it still costs money to keep her playing.  And then there’s her son, Kyle.  Kyle is addicted to gambling but, unfortunately, he’s not every good at it.  He owes the local crime lord a lot of money.

So, in order to keep her son alive and her daughter playing soccer, Anne agrees to rob a few banks.

And she’s surprisingly good at it!  Seriously, I don’t think I could handle robbing a bank.  I would get too nervous and I wouldn’t have the patience necessary to wait for them to open up that big vault in the back.  Add to that, I always like going to the bank.  Part of me would love to work at a bank, just so I could see how much money everyone has.  So, no bank robbing for me.

As for Mommy’s Secret, it has a few slow spots but, for the most part, it was enjoyably ludicrous.  Sarah Grey, who was also in A Mother’s Instinct and The Wrong Girl, does well as the responsible and concerned Denise.  I think, for most people, the main appeal of the film will be seeing Charisma Carpenter robbing a bank and Carpenter actually gives a really good performance.  Between this film and Bound, Carpenter is cornering the market when it comes to playing mothers with a secret.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #1: Unwanted Guest (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)


The first film that I watched in my latest quest to clean out my DVR was Unwanted Guest, a Lifetime film that I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 22nd.

Unwanted Guest tells a familiar Lifetime story.  A seemingly innocent and deceptively mousey college student, Amy (Kate Mansi), is invited to spend the holiday break at the home of her best friend, Christine (Valentina Novakovic).  It seems like a nice thing to do, right?  After all, Amy says that her family is in Europe and Christine is still struggling to adjust to having a new stepfather.  Amy gets a place to stay and Christine gets a friend.  It’s a win win, right?

Well, no, not quite.

When we first meet Amy, she’s wearing glasses, no makeup, and seems to be kind of meek.  It doesn’t take a psychic to know that Amy will soon take off her glasses, let down her hair, and start wandering around in lingerie.  However, even beyond that, Amy is soon drugging Christine, tricking Christine’s mother into falling off a stool, and seducing Christine’s stepfather.

(When he asks her why she’s wandering around the house in just a t-shirt, Amy replies, “If my shirt bothers you, I can take it off.”)

Of course, Amy’s not just manipulative.  She’s also a murderer.  In fact, it’s surprising the amount of people that she kills over the course of one holiday break.  I always find it kind of odd how skilled people in Lifetime movies are when it comes to killing people.  I mean, Amy even knows how to disable the brakes on someone’s car!  I wouldn’t even know where to begin!  I mean, how do you learn stuff like that?  Wikipedia, I guess.

Of course, Amy doesn’t just kill people.  There’s also a really icky scene where she kills a hamster.  If you didn’t already dislike Amy, you will after the hamster scene.

Unwanted Guest is not just a Lifetime film.  It’s also a Fred Olen Ray film and, even by his standards, it’s deliriously and wonderfully over-the-top.  One thing that I always like about Fred Olen Ray’s films is that they make no excuses for what they are.  Unwanted Guest is so unapologetically melodramatic and joyfully tawdry that it’s impossible not to enjoy it.  This is one of those films that you watch and you think, “Surely, they’re not going to go there…” and then, suddenly and without apology, they do!  It’s a lot of fun.

Add to that, Kate Mansi does a really good job in the role of Amy.  If there’s a Hall of Fame for Lifetime movie psychos, Amy deserves to be included!

Music Video of the Day: The Killing Moon by Echo & The Bunnymen (1984, dir. Brian Griffin)

Today in the US, we are supposed to get an incredible Supermoon. I thought I would take the opportunity to spotlight The Killing Moon by Echo & The Bunnymen.

Depending on your age, you might remember this song from different places. Older audiences were there when it was released, but younger audiences remember it from Donnie Darko (2001). Or you could be like me, and be somewhere in the middle. I caught it on the radio at some point between its release and Donnie Darko.

There’s an article over at The Guardian where they had Ian McCulloch and Will Sergeant talk about the song.

I don’t have anything really to say. It’s your typical artsy Echo & The Bunnymen music video except with what is arguably their best song. When I watch it I see fate/God personified as someone in black and red standing on what I assume is supposed to be the RMS Titanic. There are what I imagine are baptismal waters. I also see cards that tie back in with fate.

I am sure both the song and the music video have other Biblical references as well, but McCulloch himself told Uncut magazine–about the song–that you don’t need to have read the Bible to “get as much out of it.”

Brian Griffin directed this music video. He’s made a few music videos over the years. He seems to be best known as a photographer, which isn’t much of a surprise. Echo & The Bunnymen were best known for the music videos they made with Dutch photographer Anton Corbijn. This just wasn’t one of them. Corbijn would go on to direct a music video for Depeche Mode, which is funny because that’s the other group that hired Corbijn to direct most of their music videos. It all connects. By that I mean that even God in the song comes round to the director. The director’s name is the same as Brian Griffin from Family Guy, who is a dog, and dog spelled backwards is God. There’s a weird connection I didn’t expect to come across. He appears to still be working in photography today. You can find a short article about his “best shot” over at The Guardian. You can also see pictures/album covers he took with the band on his website.

One last thing to mention is that you might notice the chords are derived from the ones used in David Bowie’s Space Oddity. The lyrics for Europe’s song The Final Countdown were inspired by the same Bowie song. I didn’t think these two music videos I have featured in the past few days would connect to each other, but there you go.