Channel Zero, “Welcome Home” Season 1, Ep 6; ALT Title: So … Very … Boring.

Posted on November 20, 2016 by casewright

It has finally happened: Channel Zero is over (for now)!

Mike is laying in bed with Eddie- the evil one – and Eddie is …. reading a book about Long John Silver?! Whatever! Then, Eddie shoves a tooth hand into his mouth, symbolizing possession or some really sloppy dentistry work.

Mike wakes and asks his mom, in a clunky way, to kill him when he’s possessed.

Amy and Gary are looking for Tooth Teacher and they see her… and stabby kids. Gary sees his kids and convinces them not to kill anyone. We have to assume that because the children to not respond to him, stare dumbly, and don’t stab him. This show is really going out with a whimper.

Amy finds the evil Winnebago AND…Nothing happens.

Mike decides to meet Eddie because he wants his daughter back and to discuss why Long John Silver got into franchise restaurants.

Mike passes out next to his daughter.

Mike goes into Eddie’s evil reality, which looks a lot like a poorly constructed middle-school drama set. Mike sees a monster we learn is called “Skin Taker”. Skin Taker smashes against the wall in a very A-Ha “Take on Me” way …for some reason. Eddie releases Lilly.

We also learn by a TON OF EXPOSITION: 1) Eddie is the tooth monster, 2)can’t appear in human form because he needs a body, 3)the skin taker is part of him … like they’re totally BFF and everything, 4)Eddie wants to kill children, 5) he wants to pose as Mike to kill children, 6) he uses a TV as a portal into the real world, and 7) he’s REALLY into decoupage! Just before Eddie is about to go on a rampage, he convinces his brother to play War to stall him.

Mike’s mom looks for Mike and runs into Tooth Teacher. They fight. Mike’s Mom wins with help from Amy (Amy shoots Tooth Teacher).

Mikes mom suffocates the passed out Mike, killing him. This prevents Eddie from entering our world. Mike now has to hang with his brother for eternity. Upside: everytime Eddie tries to restart the show’s signal, Mike turns it off. Way to go MIKE!

That’s it! WOOHOO!!!

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Channel Zero: Guest of Honor, Season 1 Episode 5; ALT Title: Who has time for the dentist?!

Posted on November 14, 2016 by casewright

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Challenges for mankind to endure: Chlamydia, Explosive Diarrhea, Channel Zero. I’m not writing that Channel Zero is identical to chlamydia; to get chlamydia, you needed to have fun at least once.

Open: Jessica is exsanguinating in a kiddie pool.

Marla’s House: Marla is being pretty nice to her son and granddaughter. Mike looks like Hell and he goes to the bathroom to see that there is a tooth growing out of his upper gums. The episode goes downhill from here, but stick with me and we can get through this together.

Mike’s Wife arrives and it’s very banal. It’s not like anything happened like his creepy brother Eddie Stabbypants was possessing Lilly! Then, Amy shows up and breaks the meh news that Jessica is stabbed to death.

The Station: Deputy orders an APB for Tooth Teacher, leaving her understaffed. However, Amy’s manpower issue creates a good contrived plot point. I can’t imagine why she did an APB; everyone in this town is pretty ok with stabbing and being stabbed. They should really include their stabbiness at the Chamber of Commerce Visitor’s Center.

Mike decides that he wants to go to Tooth Teacher’s house. Amy can’t spare any cops; so, the obvious choice is Gary who is grieving his wife’s murder and kidnapped Mike. Fine. They arrive and look around Tooth Teacher’s home and find some ersatz Candle Cove props. Tooth Teacher calls Mike and convinces him to see her alone at a random location. He goes because fine.

Dork Deputy is assigned to find Mike. Dork Deputy is able to find Mike easily somehow. When he finds Mike, he is talked into waiting alone for Mike because this would make sense someway. Shit, I forgot to take my stupid pills before watching this show. Quick, just hit me with a fucking hammer in the head. Don’t hold back. WHAM!!! AHHHHHHHH. Dork Deputy is promptly stabbed by Tooth Teacher who is dressed in an almost certainly Value Village/Goodwill purchased costume. For some reason, Mike takes a nap and a has dream sequence with him as a marionette. Really…I mean…Really, this scene was written and filmed … on purpose.

Tooth Teacher shows up at Mike’s house and INSISTS that he and his mom eat pie. He looks like shit. We learn that Eddie is very powerful and created Candle Cove. In the past, the Tooth Teacher was having a seizure and Eddie relieved Tooth Teacher of a seizure, making her a permanent disciple. As a good cult member, she let Eddie kill her only son because that’s what people do. Tooth Teach explains that Eddie is slowly possessing Mike now. All of this was over only ONE slice of pie. I think she should’ve thrown in some ice cream or fruit. It’s clear that the gross tooth is a possession tooth.

Mike’s response is to be aaaaaa dennnnnntist [sung] and pulls the Possession Tooth out.

A motel: Lilly is with her mom at a hotel and then ends up in the TV in Candle Cove somehow. Roll Credits.

This was pretty par for Channel Zero. They tried to build suspense and it was just boring.

CHANNEL ZERO: CANDLE COVE — “Guest of Honor” Episode 105 — Pictured: Jawbone — (Photo by: Allen Fraser/Syfy)

Channel Zero, A Strange Vessel, Season 1, Ep 4; ALT Title: Paper Mache and You!

Posted on November 7, 2016 by casewright

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There are times in a person’s life that test your very ability to function: Boot camp, the death of a loved one, and watching Channel Zero. There are things that are entertaining to my Gentle Readers because they are shared fun like when I review Stranger Things, Halloween H2O, 28 Days Later, or People of Earth, but I know there’s another kind of fun – a darker fun … AKA Schadenfreude like when I watch/review Halloween Resurrection, but this is so painful. When you read the review of this show, you know I had to do three things: 1) watch it, 2) think about it, and 3) write about it; none of these things are short of misery. However Friday, I get a tooth extraction…so that’s a big step up! When I write that this show is the worst steaming pile of shit ever to be splatted on our cathode ray tubes and you think I’m being unfair, Listen – There’s WHOLE scenes featuring Paper Mache and I don’t mean just a couple either.

Opening: 1988 Eddie or Mike is drawing Bones; they’re twins so big deal. Draw whatever you want!

The Creepiest Children’s Hospital:

Jess is walking with her stabbed son to visit his sister Stabbypants and stops to look at the candle cove crayon drawings, but she did that in the last episode. Maybe she’s trying to become a curator 0r docent of creepy hospital crayon art? They visit his sister and tell her, “We’re not mad at you.” REALLY?! I put my daughters in timeout for just using “hurting hands”. JESS- WORST MOM EVER! I’m judging you Jess! YOU’VE BEEN JUDGED! Stabbed Son secrets Stabbypants a tooth.

Jess visits her vigilante husband. He has her get his gun for protection.

Mike calls his wife. She’s in Seattle and he tells her that their daughter appeared at his Mom’s house out of nowhere from several hundred miles away and he seems genuinely surprised that she wants to come over there. REALLY?! WORD?! Oh God, Oh God, There’s so much more to go!

Amy is in her office and stares at the weirdest gift ever- a pot of mushrooms. This mystery is solved by Dork Deputy who explains that he grew them for her and asks her out and is turned down. I can’t see why this didn’t work! I mean … we all know… Every girl crazy ’bout a Mushroom Man! [sung as ZZ Top].

Flashback: Jess and Mike were a kid couple. Eddie’s jealous. That’s it.

Marla’s house: We learn by a lot of telling that Lily- Mike’s Daughter- is possessed by Eddie. Brightside: This creates a twofer for Thanksgiving – Lily/Eddie!!! Lily pulls out a pirate doll from Mike’s past.

Lily’s Dream sequence: It’s paper mache of a rabbit’s face. No… Really, this scene featuring Paper Mache was done on purpose.

Mike talks to Lily/Eddie. She says that it’s ok that he stabbed him, meaning Mike stabbing Eddie with a hook. And, why shouldn’t he be?! Everyone else on this dumbass show is very permissive with stabbings.

We cut to his plan: Mike believes that if he steals Eddie’s body and cremates it, Eddie will rest. Then, we see more images of a Paper Mache rabbit person trying to be silly. Sorry, I only assumed silly because it looked so stupid. Fuck, More Paper Mache!!! Was there a sale at Joanne’s?!

Amy goes to the school to talk to the creepy kids she saw acting out a stabbing. Tooth Teacher stymies her at every turn. Finally, Amy tracks down the kids. They are acting out some of Candle Cove and for the win what are the kids dress up in? If you said, “Shitty Paper Mache!”, you win! If you got that right, there’s a slight chance that you watched this crapfest and shall always be my brother in pain. The kids all speak in a monotone to give that full-on Paper Mache of the Damned vibe.

Mike and Jess go to the morgue and get Eddie’s body. This was really easy for them. They must have a Take a Body Leave a Body Policy.

Mike and Jess burn Eddie’s body.

Amy decides for some reason that she wants to pork Dork Deputy. Why? Who knows. Then, she leaves and goes to Tooth Teacher’s house, breaks in, and finds the body of random lady that the lady Tooth Lady killed in the last episode.

Jess goes home and the Paper Mache of the Damned kid crew attack her and stab her to death, realizing their rehearsal that the Deputy saw in the previous episode.

The episode ends with Lily being Lily again.

Roll Credits! Next Week on Channel Zero: SPOOKY DECOUPAGE!!!

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Why didn’t they use this paper mache?

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Channel Zero, “Want to see something cool?” Season 1, Episode 3; ALT Title: Like cool things, watch something else.

Posted on October 30, 2016 by casewright

There are some shows like Stranger Things, Lonesome Dove, or True Detective whose audacious vision is pushed ever forward by the rugged genius of its writing and directing staff, Channel Zero is NOT that show.

On its best day, Channel Zero is burgers and fries, but on its worst days, Channel Zero is like stale bread that has become horribly crunchy, difficult to digest, and every bite reveals unending torpor. This particular episode is not terrible just for this series, but might be the the worst episode of television. Because it is becoming ever more awful, it could get to be fun to watch like an Ed Wood film. Since it has some mediocre episodes, it’s not Halloween Resurrection levels of crap overall, but it was awful. There was a quasi-torture scene without suspense, a now hand sucking tooth-monster, and not much else.

Gary takes Mike to a house under renovation. It turns out that Gary wanted it to be his dream house, but it didn’t work out for him. Gary ties up Mike and questions him about the dead kids from yesteryear and Gary gets visitors: Tim and Brenda. They want to beat Mike up to find out why Mike killed their friends and relatives – in the most slow moving way possible. Mike keeps saying that it’s the Candle Cove show…blah blah blah. At one point, Tim pulls a gun and fails to create any suspense….at all, but Mike does gets shot in the arm …. off camera.

Jessica is talking to Mike’s Mom -MM. She explains that she had an emotional affair with Mike and then he cut it off. She figures out Mike is being held at their never to have dream house and heads over there with Deputy Amy and MM. They stop Tim from killing Mike and Deputy Amy takes Gary’s gun, but doesn’t seem to arrest him. Why do that? It could have raised the stakes, led to a struggle, or anything.

Flashback- Eddie lures the Bully Kid to the crow’s nest and uses the Tooth Monster mojo to get the Bully Kid to jump off a cliff.

Tim goes into the woods and is killed and buried by random kids. This happens almost entirely offscreen because this show wouldn’t want to interfere with a bathroom break. If you have the stomach flu, are a compulsive knitter, or need to take smoke breaks, this is the show for you.

Brenda goes to the Evil Teacher who feeds the Tooth Monster. Evil Teacher kills her with a hook for some reason and then hosts a cocoa drink party with the children who killed Tim. Is this unnecessarily ambiguous, over the top, and dumb? You Betcha!!!

Mike is back home. His mother has a nightmare of the tooth monster sucking Mike’s fingers. YEECH! Then, his daughter, who lives 452 miles away, appears outside of MM’s house. He asks, “How did you get here?” They cut to the Tooth Monster who I guess was going to say Kayak or Travelocity, but the episode ended so we will never learn how Mike’s daughter got there or if she got the lowest rate possible.

What can I tell you other than, I will stick with this show until its inevitable cancellation and is replaced with American Ninja Warrior Baking Championship or some such shit.

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Channel Zero: Candle Cove Season 1, Episode 1, ALT Title – The Tooth Fairy is Real … Real Hungry!

Posted on October 12, 2016 by casewright

Gentle Readers, it’s time to take a break from my stand alone film reviews and get something we can all sink our Teeth Into (you’ll get the pun later). It’s the Syfy Channel’s return to their awesomely dramatic roots. I will begin by writing that they delivered! If you dig suspense, good writing, and intricate plots, this show is not a bad bet.

Cold Open: A nightmare. Mike Painter, America’s Child Psychologist, is being interviewed by an asshole. The host pries deep into Mike’s private life and how his twin brother disappeared, several children were murdered in 1988, his blood type, and pictures of his colon – ok the last two were false, but the interviewer is a jerk. The host gives Mike water that has a dying fly in it. He puts Mike on the spot to talk to a creepy kid on the phone… who says “Why are you afraid to go home?” Then, the cameraman is a mannequin. What we got here is an unreliable narrator. We smash to the first of many odd smash cuts: a scarecrow on fire.

Mike heads home and briefly talks to his mom. She’s concerned that he is looking into the murders. He lies and says no. Mike goes to the Sheriff’s office and it’s a bit of exposition time, but not too bad. We learn that Mike’s buddy has become Sheriff and that the Sheriff’s son is a bit of a misfit. Mike wants the files on the murders. Mike dissembles that he’s writing a book about the murders. Sheriff wants to makes sure the book will be respectful and mentions that the victims were missing their teeth. YEECH! Sheriff is worried that his son is a weirdo and offers to trade files for some free psychoanalysis…. as you do. We also get a clue as to weirdness: there are reports of a person breaking into homes, but not stealing anything. Yikes!

Dinner Party: They discuss how the kids are watching too much tv. Mike checks in on Katie – the Sheriff’s daughter – who is watching a creepy puppet show. Mike mentions this when he returns to the dinner table. The show was called Candle Cove. The same show that they watched as children in 1988. It has a super creepy host called Jawbone – a puppet skeleton. The adults discuss the show some more and Mike leaves abruptly.

Mike has a flashback to bullies messing with his brother and he does nothing. They go home and the tv turns on and it’s the creepy puppet show Candle Cove. This show really ratchets up the creep factor. Seriously, you will be scared. We flashback back to Mike’s childhood room. He wakes and sees Jawbone in his room and Mike approaches him. When he touches Jawbone, he wakes in a field looking out at the woods. He notices a man in the woods as well.

Diner: Mike runs into his old English teacher and she quizzes him on grammar. We cut away to Katie’s room. She’s vanished. This show’s creep factor really goes up and up and up. A search party forms to look for Katie. Katie’s mom Jessica confronts Mike because she’s learned that he was not home for five hours the previous night. We learn that he was in psych ward a week ago. He begins to rave that it’s the show that somehow took Katie away. She rationally calls for help and he disappears. Mike is convinced that he can find Katie.

Mike goes to the Sheriff’s house and sees Dane the Sheriff’s son. Dane says, “She said you would ask” Taking a moment. This is becoming The Ring, Ju-on, When a Stranger Calls levels of creepy. Mike is convinced that he knows where Katie is. He flees into the woods towards a place called “Crow’s Nest”. We see a number of cutaways of burying bodies and hooks to the chest. Yep, hooks to the chest.

Mike sees Jawbone and reaches to touch it. Jawbone flees and leads him to Katie. Mike rescues Katie and when they leave, we see the MONSTER: a Thing Covered in Teeth. The Tooth Monster reaches out where Katie was sitting and takes away two bloody teeth. You wanna be scared, watch this series!

They have thrown Mike in jail because he rescued Katie…come again? Well, he’s in jail and gets released. When he gets home, he mentions Candle Cove to his mom. She responds that show was just static. We cut to all of the children of the town watching Candle Cove.

This show is absolute gooseflesh inducing. Where Stranger Things was dripping with nostalgia and gothic horror, Channel Zero taps into sheer Hitchcock suspense and Rod Serling terror. It’s a great show for October and just a great Thriller!