(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)
I recorded Remote Paradise off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 30th. As is often the case with Lifetime movies, Remote Paradise was actually produced under a different title: Dark Paradise. I’m not sure why, exactly, Lifetime decided that Remote was somehow more appealing than Dark. But regardless, Paradise is Paradise, right?
Anyway, as this film started, I thought I might be able to relate to its story. I say this despite the fact that, in the starring role, poor Boti Bliss was occasionally forced to wear some of the most unflattering outfits that I’ve ever seen in a Lifetime film. Seriously, a huge reason why I watch Lifetime films is because I like seeing what people are wearing and how they decorate their homes. At the start of the movie, Tamara (played, of course, by Boti Bliss) not only wears horrid overalls but she also lives in a pretty small and cramped house. That was definitely a red flag.
However, once I got over her house and her sense of style, I started to relate to Tamara. At the start of the film, she’s informed that her father has died and she’s inherited close to 8 million dollars! A shocked Tamara mentions that she and her father didn’t even get along.
Hey! I thought, I used to fight with my Dad too!
Since Tamara has just broken up with her boyfriend, she decides to invest the money by going on a trip with her two best girlfriends.
Hey! I thought, I’m close to my girlfriends too!
So, they got to Hawaii.
OH MY GOD! I yelled I’VE BEEN TO HAWAII!
While in Hawaii, Tamara meets a sexy boat captain who claims that his name is Dario (played by Antonio Sabato, Jr). Dario says that he’s from Italy.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? I’VE BEEN TO ITALY!
Soon, Tamara is swept off her feet by the handsome but mysterious Dario. She spends all of her time with him, dreaming of their future together.
OH MY GOD, I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS TOO!
Meanwhile, one of her friends is beat into a coma by an unknown attacker….
Okay, I can’t relate to that. I guess I should be happy about that…
One morning, Tamara wakes up to discover that not only is Dario gone but so is her bank account. That’s right, Dario stole all of her money and then fled Hawaii!
Sorry, Tamara, can’t relate…
And — oh my God! — Dario’s not even Italian! Tamara learns that Dario has been overheard speaking in Portuguese! OH MY GOD — HE’S BRAZILIAN!
Okay, I’ve lost the ability to relate to the movie…
And so, Tamara and her non-coma friend go to Brazil, looking for revenge. And I will say this for “Dario.” He may be sleazy. He may be evil. He may be every woman’s worst nightmare. But damn!, he’s got a nice house!
I like nice houses! But … no, sorry, still no longer relating…
Anyway, Remote Paradise is okay. Boti Bliss has been in several Lifetime films and she always tends to overact but that actually worked to her advantage here as Tamara seemed to be an overly dramatic person in general. (I especially enjoyed the way she spat out the word “bastard,” when she saw Dario’s car.) The story’s predictable but there’s a last minute twist that will not take you by surprise but, fortunately, the film does shy away from letting the Tamara pursue her vengeance. In the end, what’s important is that the beach looked good and so did Brazil and so did Antonio Sabato, Jr.
And, most importantly, so did his house!