Channel Zero: Guest of Honor, Season 1 Episode 5; ALT Title: Who has time for the dentist?!


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Challenges for mankind to endure: Chlamydia, Explosive Diarrhea, Channel Zero.   I’m not writing that Channel Zero is identical to chlamydia; to get chlamydia, you needed to have fun at least once.

Open: Jessica is exsanguinating in a kiddie pool.

Marla’s House:  Marla is being pretty nice to her son and granddaughter.  Mike looks like Hell and he goes to the bathroom to see that there is a tooth growing out of his upper gums. The episode goes downhill from here, but stick with me and we can get through this together.

Mike’s Wife arrives and it’s very banal.  It’s not like anything happened like his creepy brother Eddie Stabbypants was possessing Lilly!  Then, Amy shows up and breaks the meh news that Jessica is stabbed to death.

The Station: Deputy orders an APB for Tooth Teacher, leaving her understaffed.  However, Amy’s manpower issue creates a good contrived plot point.  I can’t imagine why she did an APB; everyone in this town is pretty ok with stabbing and being stabbed.  They should really include their stabbiness at the Chamber of Commerce Visitor’s Center.

Mike decides that he wants to go to Tooth Teacher’s house.  Amy can’t spare any cops; so, the obvious choice is Gary who is grieving his wife’s murder and kidnapped Mike.  Fine. They arrive and look around Tooth Teacher’s home and find some ersatz Candle Cove props.  Tooth Teacher calls Mike and convinces him to see her alone at a random location.  He goes because fine.

Dork Deputy is assigned to find Mike.  Dork Deputy is able to find Mike easily somehow.  When he finds Mike, he is talked into waiting alone for Mike because this would make sense someway. Shit, I forgot to take my stupid pills before watching this show.  Quick, just hit me with a fucking hammer in the head.  Don’t hold back.   WHAM!!! AHHHHHHHH.   Dork Deputy is promptly stabbed by Tooth Teacher who is dressed in an almost certainly Value Village/Goodwill purchased costume. For some reason, Mike takes a nap and a has dream sequence with him as a marionette. Really…I mean…Really, this scene was written and filmed … on purpose.  

Tooth Teacher shows up at Mike’s house and INSISTS that he and his mom eat pie.  He looks like shit.  We learn that Eddie is very powerful and created Candle Cove.  In the past, the Tooth Teacher was having a seizure and Eddie relieved Tooth Teacher of a seizure, making her a permanent disciple.  As a good cult member, she let Eddie kill her only son because that’s what people do.  Tooth Teach explains that Eddie is slowly possessing Mike now.  All of this was over only ONE slice of pie. I think she should’ve thrown in some ice cream or fruit.  It’s clear that the gross tooth is a possession tooth.

Mike’s response is to be aaaaaa dennnnnntist [sung] and pulls the Possession Tooth out.

A motel: Lilly is with her mom at a hotel and then ends up in the TV in Candle Cove somehow.  Roll Credits.

This was pretty par for Channel Zero.  They tried to build suspense and it was just boring.

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