Lisa Attempts To Predict The Actual Oscar Nominations

Posted on January 15, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Because I’m obsessed with awards and I love taking risks, here are my predictions for which films and performers will receive Oscar nominations in the six major categories tomorrow morning. As opposed to my previous post on the Oscars, these are the films that I expect to see nominated (as opposed to who and what I personally would like to see nominated.)

Best Picture

12 Years A Slave

American Hustle

Captain Phillips

Dallas Buyers Club

Gravity

Her

Nebraska

Philomena

Saving Mr. Banks

The Wolf of Wall Street

(Yes, I’m going with a full 10 nominee slate here. Based on the guild nominations, I think that Inside Llewyn Davis will end up being snubbed. I also wouldn’t be surprised if Lee Daniels’ The Butler somehow managed to sneak into the top 10, depending on whether or not liberal Academy members want to reward a film that basically uses the 2008 presidential election as a happy ending.)

Best Director

Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity

Paul Greengrass for Captain Phillips

Spike Jonze for Her

Steve McQueen for 12 Years A Slave

David O. Russell for American Hustle

(When it comes to Best Director, there always seems to be at least one surprise omission and nomination. This year, I’m predicting it will be Scorsese and Jonze.)

Best Actor

Bruce Dern in Nebraska

Chiwetel Ejiofor in 12 Years A Slave

Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips

Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club

Robert Redford in All Is Lost

(Best Actor is usually the easiest category to predict and I don’t think this year will be any different. I would prefer to see Leonardo DiCaprio nominated for Wolf of Wall Street but I have a feeling that the Academy will not be able to resist Tom Hanks essentially playing Tom Hanks.)

Best Actress

Amy Adams in American Hustle

Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine

Judi Dench in Philomena

Emma Thompson in Saving Mr. Banks

Meryl Streep in August: Osage County

(I have a feeling that Meryl will get nominated because she’s Meryl. Sandra Bullock is certainly a contender for her performance in Gravity but I think the Academy is mostly going to view that film as a technical triumph. Amy Adams is popular and has Golden Globe momentum.)

Best Supporting Actor

Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips

Bradley Cooper in American Hustle

Michael Fassbender in 12 Years A Slave

James Gandolfini in Enough Said

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club

(I’d love to see James Franco nominated for his work in Spring Breakers but I think the big surprise here will be James Gandolfini receiving a posthumous nomination for Enough Said.)

Best Supporting Actress

Sally Hawkins in Blue Jasmine

Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle

Lupita Nyong’o in 12 Years A Slave

Julia Roberts in August: Osage County

June Squibb in Nebraska

(Sorry, Oprah.)

So, there you go. There are my guesses. Now, I have to say that I don’t have a great record when it comes to predicting the actual Oscar nominations. That’s because it’s usually a lot more fun to speculate about the nominations than to actually watch them be announced. When you’re speculating, you’re free to come up with all sorts of scenarios that could lead to exciting upsets (like James Gandolfini receiving an honorary nomination, for instance). Perhaps that’s why the actual Oscar nominations always feel somewhat anti-climatic.

We’ll see how right (or wrong) I am tomorrow morning!

Here Are The Totally Predictable and Boring Razzie Nominations

Posted on January 15, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Every year, while the Oscars honor the “best” in film, the Razzies honor the worst. Now, I have to admit that I think the Razzies are overrated and somewhat predictable. They tend to nominate the films that everyone already agrees are bad. There’s a tendency to go for easy laughs and obvious targets. That’s why predictably bad Adam Sandler films will always dominate the Razzies while the films that represent the worst tendencies of Hollywood — like Man of Steel, for instance — will somehow be ignored.

What I’m saying is that next year, we need an alternative to the Razzies.

However, until that day comes, here are the Razzie nominations for this year. Not surprisingly, they nominated Lindsay Lohan, despite the fact that she was actually pretty good in The Canyons. But, it’s the Razzies and Lindsay is an easy target.

WORST PICTURE
“After Earth”
“Grown Ups 2”
“The Lone Ranger”
“A Madea Christmas”
“Movie 43”

WORST ACTOR
Johnny Depp, “The Lone Ranger”
Ashton Kutcher, “Jobs”
Adam Sandler, “Grown Ups 2”
Jaden Smith, “After Earth”
Sylvester Stallne, “Bullet to the Head”/”Escape Plan”/”Grudge Match”

WORST ACTRESS
Halle Berry, “The Call”/”Movie 43”
Selena Gomez, “Getaway”
Lindsay Lohan, “The Canyons”
Tyler Perry, “A Madea Christmas”
Naomi Watts, “Diana”/”Movie 43”

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Brown, “Battle of the Year”
Larry the Cable Guy, “A Madea Christmas”
Taylor Lautner, “Grown Ups 2”
Will Smith, “After Earth”
Nick Swardson, “A Haunted House”/”Grown Ups 2”

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Lady Gaga, “Machete Kills”
Salma Hayek, “Grown Ups 2”
Katherine Heigl, “The Big Wedding”
Kim Kardashian, “Tyler Perry’s Temptation”
Lindsay Lohan, “InAPPropriate Comedy”/”Scary Movie 5”

WORST DIRECTOR
The 13 People Who Directed “Movie 43”
Dennis Dugan, “Grown Ups 2”
Tyler Perry, “A Madea Christmas”/”Temptation”
M. Night Shyamalan, “After Earth”
Gore Verbinski, “The Lone Ranger”

WORST SCREENPLAY
“After Earth” – Gary Whitta, M. Night Shyamalan, Will Smith
“Grown Ups 2” – Fred Wolfe, Adam Sandler, Tim Herlihy
“The Lone Ranger” – Ted Elliott, Justin Haythe, Terry Rosso
“A Madea Christmas” – Tyler Perry
“Movie 43” – Written by 19 “Screenwriters”

WORST SCREEN COMBO
The Entire Cast of “Grown Ups 2”
The Entire Cast of “Movie 43”
Lindsay Lohan & Charlie Sheen, “Scary Movie 5”
Tyler Perry & Either Larry the Cable Guy or That Worn-Out Wig & Dress, “A Madea Christmas”
Jaden Smith & Will Smith on Planet Nepotism, “After Earth”

WORST REMAKE, RIP-OFF, OR SEQUEL
“Grown Ups 2”
“The Hangover Part III”
“The Lone Ranger”
“Scary Movie 5”
“The Smurfs 2”

44 Days of Paranoia #39: The Fury (dir by Brian DePalma)

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For our latest entry in the 44 Days of Paranoia, let’s take a look at one of the silliest films ever made, Brian DePalma’s 1978 horror/thriller hybrid The Fury.

The Fury opens on a beach in Israel. CIA veteran Peter (Kirk Douglas, who grimaces up a storm) is hanging out with his teenage son Robin (Andrew Stevens) and his friend and colleague Ben Childress (John Cassavetes). Two things quickly become apparent.

First off, Robin has psychic powers. We know this because Peter is obsessed with protecting him from being captured by a shadowy government agency that wants to use his power as a weapon.

And secondly, Ben is evil. We know that Ben’s evil because he’s played by John Cassavetes. As one of the first truly independent filmmakers, Cassavetes would often raise the money to make his fiercely individualistic films by playing villains in bad B-movies, like this one.

Ben, in fact, is so evil that he’s arranged for terrorists to attack the beach. After Peter is apparently killed in a ludicrously violent gunfight, Ben takes off with Robin.

However, Peter is not dead! Somehow, despite the fact that both the beach and the ocean were pretty much blown up with him on it, Peter survived and now, he’s looking for his son. Peter makes his way to Chicago where he calls up his girlfriend, Hester (Carrie Snodgress), and says things like, “I want your body, baby.”

Hester, meanwhile, works at the Paragon Clinic, which is run by Dr. James McKeever (Charles Durning) who, himself, is secretly working for Ben. The Paragon Clinic is a front to try to discover other teenage psychics and to turn them into weapons as well. The newest patient is Gillian (Amy Irving), a teenage girl who might be able to help Peter track down his son.

Of course, what Peter doesn’t take into account is that, in his absence, Robin has turned into a power-mad sociopath who spends his time doing things like killing tourists at amusing parks…

Wow, that’s a lot of plot, isn’t it? And, with all of that, I haven’t even gotten into what happens during the second half of the film!

The Fury is an enjoyably silly film, an awkward attempt to combine DePalma’s previous film, Carrie, with a paranoia-fueled political thriller. There’s a certain charm to a film that takes itself so seriously and yet, at the same time, manages to be totally over-the-top and ludicrous.

For example, just consider the performances of the high-powered cast and the fact that none of the actors appear to be acting in the same film. Playing a character who is a bit of a hero by default (because, seriously, how stupid did he have to be to not realize that Ben was evil to begin with), Kirk Douglas grimaces so manfully that Peter’s stupidity almost starts to feel like a satiric comment on hyper-masculinity. John Cassavetes, on the other hand, is so disdainful of the film that he actually rolls his eyes while delivering some of his more melodramatic lines. Meanwhile, Carrie Snodgress is forced to say things like, “Here comes the Pony Express!” and Charles Durning brings the full weight of his talent to deliver lines like, “If you’re having your monthlies, I don’t want you near the patient.”

And finally, there’s Amy Irving. In DePalma’s Carrie, Irving played Sue Snell, the sole survivor of a psychic rampage. In The Fury, Irving gets to play the psychic and she gives such a dramatic and emotional performance that you almost get the idea that she was trying to challenge Sissy Spacek. “This is how you play a psychic, Sissy!” she seems to be shouting. Of course, the big difference is that Carrie was actually a good film whereas The Fury is a bad film that happens to be watchable.

Finally, no review of The Fury is complete without talking about Brian DePalma’s direction. To put it lightly, Brian DePalma directs the Hell out of The Fury and the effect is something like what an episode of Agents of SHIELD would look like if directed by Martin Scorsese. The entire film is a collection of tracking shots, zoom lenses, and sweeping overhead shots with the camera only stopping long enough to linger over scenes of violence and spilled blood. In perhaps the film’s most ludicrous scene, Amy Irving runs away from the clinic in slow motion while the orchestral score plays out on the soundtrack. We get close-ups of Irving’s face and close-ups of the faces of her pursuers. One character gets shot multiple times but we don’t hear the gunshots. Instead, we only hear the music and watch as the character overacts and dies in slow motion. It’s almost as if DePalma was trying to win a bet by achieving the most counter-productive use of slow motion in film history.

Ultimately, The Fury is so thoroughly silly and over-the-top that it simply has to be seen.

Other Entries In The 44 Days of Paranoia

Trailer: Game of Thrones Season 4

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Have you seen the trailer for season 4 of Game of Thrones yet?

If not, here it is! I’m going to avoid saying too much about it, other then to observe that my hated for King Joffrey grows with each passing hour.

What Lisa, Evelyn, and Erin Watched Sunday Night #96: The 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Sunday night, my sister, my best friend, and I gathered together and watched the 71st Annual Golden Globes.

Why Were Watching It?

Because it was an awards show! Seriously, I love awards.

What Was It About?

When you think about it, the Golden Globes are a lot like that nerdy kid in high school that everyone tolerated because he had rich parents but who they still made fun of every chance they got. Whenever his parents went out of town, he would throw a wild but somewhat desperate party. Everyone would spend the weekend trashing his house and drinking all of his alcohol and then leave without bothering to help him clean up afterward.

(I guess now would be a good time to add that, if Taylor is reading this, sorry!)

Seriously, the Golden Globes are so weird! Nobody is really sure who is in the Hollywood Foreign Press but, every year, they serve free drinks and give out a lot of awards and, as a result, everyone in Hollywood gets together for one night.

What Worked?

Okay, first thing first — a lot of people on twitter thought that the speech Diane Keaton gave and song she sang while accepting the Governor’s Award for Woody Allen was creepy but I thought it was really sweet! I know that a lot of people have issues with Woody Allen (see below) but I usually enjoy his movies.

(When they were showing clips from Allen’s career, they showed Diane Keaton in Annie Hall going, “La dee da, la dee da…” and Evelyn says, “Is she playing Lisa?”)

Last year, I was one of the few people who didn’t think that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did that great of a job as hosts but this year, I agree with everyone else. Tina and Amy should host everything.

I loved it when Melissa McCarthy was pretending to be Matt Damon. What I especially loved was how Matt Damon played along with the joke, to the extent that when Michael Douglas praised him while accepting his Golden Globe, Matt actually pointed over at Melissa.

I can’t complain about any of the winners, which is a rarity for me. I was surprised to see Brooklyn Nine Nine win the Golden Globes for Best Actor and Best TV Show Comedy but I’ve never actually watched the show so I can’t complain.

My favorite acceptance speech came from Matthew McConaughey, mostly because he said, “Alright, alright, alright…”

Finally, a most importantly, a lot of redheads were honored this year. It was a good night for my fellow members of the 2%.

What Did Not Work?

Oh, where to start? Because of all the alcohol involved and the mix of television and movie stars, the Golden Globes have gotten a reputation for being more fun than the Oscars but, for every celebrity who is a fun drunk, there’s about a hundred more who are boring drunks and the 71st annual Golden Globes proved this point. For every Emma Thompson, there was a Jacqueline Bisset. For all the attention that’s being given to a few unexpected moments (and NBC’s reaction to those moments — who would have guessed the censors would get so worked up over vagina?), the Golden Globes were actually rather restrained and boring this year.

The award for most obnoxious presenter goes to Diddy. What was Diddy even doing up there?

The Golden Globes Ceremony was scheduled to last three hours and, unlike the Oscars, it ended on time. However, a lot of those three hours were taken up with watching the winners trying to navigate their way up to the stage. It got boring. Add to that, I am so tired of nominees who don’t bother to come up with a coherent speech before they win their award. It’s not that cute.

All in all, the ceremony could have really used a big production number or two.

Of course, Woody Allen can’t ever win an award without his son, Ronan Farrow, going on twitter and whining about how terrible his father is and all of the little sycophants who follow him chimed in with their usual, “Oh Ronan, I’m sorry!” Uhmmm, just curious — would anyone know who Ronan Farrow is if not for his parents? A lot of people have had shitty fathers but very few of those people have managed to get their own show on MSNBC as a result of it. Just saying.

Who exactly told Emma Stone it would be a good idea to wear a dress that appeared to be decorated with sperm?

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I’ll Show You Some Golden Globes!

Lessons Learned

Award shows can be boring.

A Glorious Fantasy: Final Fantasy IV

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Semtex Skittle

Once again I return to this ongoing series, in which I attempt to play through every game in the Final Fantasy franchise that I can get my hands on, from FF1 through FF13-2, and a variety of the spinoffs and other titles not included in the ‘main series’. This list continues to undergo revision, and I seriously considered removing Final Fantasy 9 from it for personal reasons. But we’ll get there. I promise.

For those who are unfamiliar with my premise (read: I would think most everyone), here’s an almost comically thorough recap:

Most people have already played many/most/all of the games that I’m going to write about in this series (weirdly, as I compiled the list of games, I personally have not played a fair number of them). I don’t care. I’m going to look at all (most? I’m bad with structure, we’ll see how long this lasts) of the following things from these games:

– Some objective data. What version of the game did I play, and why did I select that one. This will be less important when I reach the PSX era, but we’re not there yet! One thing I’d like to do is discuss some of the changes between the “original” and the version I end up playing.
– Is the game any good? Seriously! I’m sure some of these games suck! <- Weirdly, most of them do not. This one might get redacted, and you might just have to deal with me bitching about Final Fantasy 9.
– Is the answer to that question, “It just doesn’t hold up”? Why? <– This hasn't come up yet. I'm considering redacting the question.
– How would I place this game in a historical context? I want to watch the series evolve, devolve, side-volve and revolve as I go.
– Did I enjoy this game? What were the emotions and insane facial expressions I went through while playing it?
– How many times I frantically Googled maps for enormous maze-like dungeons because I no longer have the patience to solve them on my own?
– Was it… challenging? Were these games ever hard? Does the challenge ebb and flow?
– No MMORPGs. Sorry FF14 fans, I don’t ‘do’ MMORPGs anymore. Plus, the plan here hopefully doesn't involve spending a bunch of money acquiring and (especially) subscribing to games.

I think all of this is extremely important knowledge, and that the human race will be improved by my research. Let's move on!

Version played: Nintendo DS remake

Wow! Now this is a crazy remake. So, with FF1 and FF2, there were ‘updated’ graphics, which basically amounted to 16-bit+. Not like this though! FF4 has been totally remastered since I last played it on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System… to be rendered in 3-D (sketchy 3-D, but 3-D all the same). It’s been upgraded with voice acting! And, I’m told, the difficulty has been ‘restored’… or even ‘upgraded’. Because here’s the thing. I remember Final Fantasy IV. I played it on the SNES. Granted, it didn’t happen until shortly before I played “Xenogears” for the first time, but it did happen. The fact is… the game was really easy! It was toned down for American gamers, for reasons which were probably solid, but are also infuriating. In the original version, I did not need strategy to face the Four Fiends, even the mighty Rubicante! I just blasted them with my spells / stabs and patted myself on the back.

One thing I will say for the DS remake. It does not pull any punches. Rubicante will end you, if you don’t know what you’re doing. And something about that really appeals to me. Because here’s the truth: Final Fantasy IV’s story is kind of silly. So are its characters.

There, I said it.

Go ahead, cast stones. I can wait.

This is one of the titans of the JRPG genre. It’s Final Fantasy Freaking Four. 4^4. Yeah, your nostalgia is telling you things that aren’t true. The story of this game is silly. Partway through, the writers just start making shit up. It’s okay, because the game is still a lot of fun. Having some voice acted cutscenes actually makes things better, even if the 3-D makes Cecil into a weird cartoon character who is both stocky enough to wear heavy armor and swing a big sword and take some hits, but skinny enough to fit into women’s pants. But the story is still fundamentally silly. This does not mean that I did not enjoy it; it means exactly what I said. It’s silly! And, as an aside, all villains in all genres should take notes from Golbez… who is pretty much undefeated throughout the whole game, until a major plot twist changes things around. Spoilers? C’mon. It’s a SNES game.

I forgive FFIV for its faults. You didn’t even have to ask me. It has The Soundtrack (does anyone recognize the Red Wings’ Theme? It has The Characters. Rydia of Mist? Well, she’s the first proper Summoner, she anticipates characters like Terra Branford and Yuna. And she has green hair. Seriously. How cool is Rydia?

I know that I talked about the ‘connective tissue’ of story, and how it makes games like Final Fantasy I almost unrecognizable when put up against games like Final Fantasy VII. You can see the gradual evolution of this point through the series, like a straight line leading away from audience insert ‘generic’ characters toward fully realized characters that the player ‘watches’ or ‘guides’ rather than ‘owns’. This is fundamentally different from how WRPGs evolved, where the ‘create your own D&D guy’ aspect has remained integral to the experience. With a JRPG, you don’t make any of the characters, and you don’t choose how they respond to stuff. Even the Light Warriors in FF1 are game to save the world, no matter how you, the player, feel about it. At least in “Baldur’s Gate” you were perfectly free to bitch about it to everyone who would listen.

Different doesn’t mean worse. Here, we’re essentially along for the ride as some broken adults work out their issues. Cecil became the Dark Knight of Baron on his King’s suggestion, and in doing so, he gave up his soul. Kain Highwind, despite being the son of a legendary dragoon, has lived in Cecil’s shadow all his life… including in the courtship of the beautiful white mage, Rosa. These characters feel like people in an insane high-powered fantasy story, at least to some extent. This is a significant achievement in the evolution of the RPG. It would be difficult for me to overstate how much influence it feels like “Final Fantasy IV” had on subsequent games of many genres. Forget the sillier plot points. This game remains demonstrably important when placed in a historical context.

It is silly though.

Also, the DS remake is hard! This bears repeating. I had to google the strategy to defeat Rubicante (this was weirdly one of my only Googles during this one. I guess I remembered it pretty well!). I thought that I was a Final Fantasy tough guy entering this game after Final Fantasy III. But weirdly, a lot of the same themes repeat themselves here with bosses… and won’t disappear entirely until (I suspect) Final Fantasy VII. We’re not talking superbosses here. We’re talking about enemies that you have to defeat in order to progress… and those enemies requiring a strategy, not just a level mark. This is something that the RPG genre has kind of abandoned in favour of a more cinematic approach. You can hardly blame them. When the storytelling takes center stage, something has to suffer, and it’s typically the difficulty (notable exception: Baldur’s Gate II. Try a dry run of that game and tell me it doesn’t have its share of brutal challenges). If that’s the game you’re looking for, you’ll prefer the original SNES (American) release of FF4. The DS version has bosses capable of wiping out your whole party with routine moves. Somehow, that was fun for me! I don’t know what my deal is. Also, how did this not apply to the final boss? Your guess is as good as mine, readers! It’s probably related to the ‘defend’ command also reducing magic damage though. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

Dodging attack patterns based on visual cues is more of a ‘Megaman’ thing anyway.

I’m honestly not sure what else to say. This is one of the great pillars of the genre. It’s deservedly beloved. It’s a girthy, fun, game, with characters that are given motivations… lives, hopes, and dreams. The story is ultimately quite silly, but it’s not nearly as silly as Final Fantasy V (oh, we’ll get there!). Crystals, fiends of the elements, and the meteor spell. It was fun to play. I appreciated that it was harder than it was when I played it as a kid. Viva FF4! Let the legend live on.

What If Lisa Marie Picked The Oscar Nominees…

Posted on January 13, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

With the Oscar nominations due to be announced this week, now is the time that the Shattered Lens indulges in a little something called, “What if Lisa had all the power.” Listed below are my personal Oscar nominations. Please note that these are not the films that I necessarily think will be nominated. The fact of the matter is that the many of them will not. Instead, these are the films that would be nominated if I was solely responsible for deciding the nominees this year. Winners are listed in bold.

You can check out my picks for 2010 by clicking here.

My picks for 2011 can be found here.

And, finally, here are my picks for 2012.

Best Picture

12 Years A Slave

American Hustle

Before Midnight

Blue Is The Warmest Color

Frances Ha

Fruitvale Station

Her

Inside Llewyn Davis

Spring Breakers

Upstream Color

Best Director

Noah Baumbach for Frances Ha

Shane Carruth for Upstream Color

Spike Jonze for Her

Harmony Korine for Spring Breakers

David O. Russell for American Hustle

Best Actor

Bruce Dern in Nebraska

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf Of Wall Street

Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club

Joaquin Phoenix in Her

Dennis Quaid in At Any Price

Best Actress

Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine

Julie Delpy in Before Midnight

Adèle Exarchopoulos in Blue Is The Warmest Color

Greta Gerwig in Frances Ha

Amy Seimetz in Upstream Color

Best Supporting Actor

Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips

Kyle Chandler in The Spectacular Now

Bradley Cooper in American Hustle

James Franco in Spring Breakers

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club

Best Supporting Actress

Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle

Eva Mendes in The Place Beyond The Pines

Lupita Nyong’o in 12 Years A Slave

Léa Seydoux in Blue Is The Warmest Color

Octavia Spencer in Fruitvale Station

Best Original Screenplay

American Hustle

Blue Jasmine

Her

Inside Llewyn Davis

Upstream Color

Best Adapted Screenplay

12 Years A Slave

Before Midnight

Blue Is The Warmest Color

The Spectacular Now

The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Animated Feature

The Croods

Despicable Me 2

Ernest and Celestine

Frozen

Monsters University

Best Documentary Feature

20 Feet From Stardom

The Armstrong Lie

Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer

Stories We Tell

Tim’s Vermeer

Best Foreign Language Film

(Please note that I do things differently for this category than the Academy. For this award, I am nominating the best foreign language films to be released in the United States in 2013.)

Beyond the Hills

Blue Is The Warmest Color

Renoir

White Elephant

Best Production Design

12 Years A Slave

Gravity

The Great Gatsby

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Oz: The Great and Powerful

Best Cinematography

Frances Ha

Inside Llewyn Davis

Nebraska

Spring Breakers

Upstream Color

Best Costume Design

12 Years A Slave

American Hustle

The Copperhead

The Great Gatsby

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Best Film Editing

12 Years A Slave

American Hustle

Gravity

Her

Upstream Color

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

12 Years A Slave

American Hustle

Dallas Buyers Club

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Warm Bodies

Best Original Score

Gravity

Her

Maniac

Trance

Upstream Color

Best Original Song

“Let it Go” from Frozen

“A Little Party Never Killed Nobody (All We Got)” from The Great Gatsby

“Young and Beautiful” from The Great Gatsby

“The Moon Song” from Her

“I See Fire” from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

“Atlas” from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

“Please Mr. Kennedy” from Inside Llewyn Davis

“So You Know What It’s Like” from Short Term 12

“Becomes The Color” from Stoker

“Here It Comes” from Trance

Best Sound Editing

All Is Lost

Iron Man 3

Pacific Rim

Rush

Upstream Color

Best Sound Mixing

All Is Lost

Iron Man 3

Pacific Rim

Rush

Upstream Color

Best Visual Effects

Gravity

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Iron Man 3

Oz: The Great and Powerful

Pacific Rim

List of Films By Number of Nominations:

9 Nominations — Upstream Color

8 Nominations — American Hustle

7 Nominations — 12 Years A Slave, Her

5 Nominations — Blue Is The Warmest Color

4 Nominations — Frances Ha, Gravity, The Great Gatsby, Inside Llewyn Davis, Spring Breakers

3 Nominations — Before Midnight, Dallas Buyers Club, Iron Man 3, Pacific Rim

2 Nominations — All Is Lost, Blue Jasmine, Frozen, Fruitvale Station, Nebraska, Oz The Great and Powerful, Rush, The Spectacular Now, Trance, The Wolf of Wall Street

1 Nominations — 20 Feet From Stardom, The Armstrong Lie, At Any Price, Beyond The Hills, Captain Phillips, The Copperhead, The Counselor, The Croods, Despicable Me 2, Ernest and Celestine, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Maniac, Monsters University, No, The Place Beyond The Pines, Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer, Renoir, Short Term 12, Stoker, Stories We Tell, Tim’s Vermeer, Warm Bodies, White Elephant

List of Films By Number of Oscars Won

3 Oscars — American Hustle, Upstream Color

2 Oscars — The Great Gatsby

1 Oscar — Before Midnight, Blue is The Warmest Color, Frances Ha, Frozen, Gravity, Her, Iron Man 3, Maniac, Pacific Rim, The Spectacular Now, Spring Breakers, Stories We Tell, The Wolf of Wall Street

Here Are The Golden Globe Winners!

Posted on January 12, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In case you missed the show tonight (and if you did, what were you doing exactly?) here’s the complete list of who and what won at the 71st Golden Globes.

FILM AWARDS

BEST PICTURE – DRAMA
X – “12 Years a Slave”
“Captain Phillips”
“Gravity”
“Philomena”
“Rush”

BEST ACTOR – DRAMA
Chiwetel Ejiofor, “12 Years a Slave”
Idris Elba, “Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom”
Tom Hanks, “Captain Phillips”
X – Matthew McConaughey, “Dallas Buyers Club”
Robert Redford, “All is Lost”

BEST ACTRESS – DRAMA
X – Cate Blanchett, “Blue Jasmine”
Sandra Bullock, “Gravity”
Judi Dench, “Philomena”
Emma Thompson, “Saving Mr. Banks”
Kate Winslet, “Labor Day”

BEST PICTURE – MUSICAL/COMEDY
X – “American Hustle”
“Her”
“Inside Llewyn Davis”
“Nebraska”
“The Wolf of Wall Street”

BEST ACTOR – MUSICAL/COMEDY
Christian Bale, “American Hustle”
Bruce Dern, “Nebraska”
X – Leonardo DiCaprio, “The Wolf of Wall Street”
Oscar Isaac, “Inside Llewyn Davis”
Joaquin Phoenix, “Her”

BEST ACTRESS – MUSICAL/COMEDY
X – Amy Adams, “American Hustle”
Julie Delpy, “Before Midnight”
Greta Gerwig, “Frances Ha”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Enough Said”
Meryl Streep, “August: Osage County”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – MOTION PICTURE
Barkhad Abdi, “Captain Phillips”
Daniel Bruhl, “Rush”
Bradley Cooper, “American Hustle”
Michael Fassbender, “12 Years a Slave”
X – Jared Leto, “Dallas Buyers Club”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – MOTION PICTURE
Sally Hawkins, “Blue Jasmine”
X – Jennifer Lawrence, “American Hustle”
Lupita Nyong’o, “12 Years a Slave”
Julia Roberts, “August: Osage County”
June Squibb, “Nebraska”

BEST DIRECTOR
X – Alfonso Cuaron, “Gravity”
Paul Greengrass, “Captain Phillips”
Steve McQueen, “12 Years a Slave”
Alexander Payne, “Nebraska”
David O. Russell, “American Hustle”

BEST SCREENPLAY
“12 Years a Slave”
“American Hustle”
X – “Her”
“Nebraska”
“Philomena”

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
“Blue is the Warmest Color”
X – “The Great Beauty”
“The Hunt”
“The Past”
“The Wind Rises”

BEST ANIMATED FILM
“The Croods”
“Despicable Me 2”
X – “Frozen”

BEST SCORE
“12 Years a Slave”
X – “All is Lost”
“The Book Thief”
“Gravity”
“Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom”

BEST SONG
“Atlas,” “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire”
“Let it Go,” “Frozen”
X – “Ordinary Love,” “Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom”
“Please Mr. Kennedy,” “Inside Llewyn Davis”
“Sweeter Than Fiction,” “One Chance”

TV AWARDS

BEST TV DRAMA SERIES
X – “Breaking Bad”
“Downton Abbey”
“The Good Wife”
“House of Cards”
“Masters of Sex”

BEST TV DRAMA ACTOR
X – Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
Liev Schreiber, “Ray Donovan”
Michael Sheen, “Masters of Sex”
Kevin Spacey, “House of Cards”
James Spader, “The Blacklist”

BEST TV DRAMA ACTRESS
Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
Tatiana Maslany, “Orphan Black”
Taylor Schilling, “Orange is the New Black”
Kerry Washington, “Scandal”
X – Robin Wright, “House of Cards”

BEST TV COMEDY SERIES
“The Big Bang Theory”
X – “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”
“Girls”
“Modern Family”
“Parks and Recreation”

BEST TV COMEDY ACTOR
Jason Bateman, “Arrested Development”
Don Cheadle, “House of Lies”
Michael J. Fox, “The Michael J. Fox Show”
Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”
X – Andy Samberg, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”

BEST TV COMEDY ACTRESS
Zoey Deschanel, “New Girl”
Lena Dunham, “Girls”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Veep”
X – Amy Poehler, “Parks and Recreation”

BEST TV MOVIE/MINI
“American Horror Story: Coven”
X – “Behind the Candelabra”
“Dancing on the Edge”
“Top of the Lake”
“White Queen”

BEST TV MOVIE/MINI ACTOR
Matt Damon, “Behind the Candelabra”
X – Michael Douglas, “Behind the Candelabra”
Chiwetel Ejiofor, “Dancing on the Edge”
Idris Elba, “Luther
Dominic West, “Burton & Taylor”

BEST TV MOVIE/MINI ACTRESS
Helena Bonham Carter, “Burton and Taylor”
Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story: Coven”
Helen Mirren, “Phil Spector”
X – Elisabeth Moss, “Top of the Lake”
Rebecca Ferguson, “The White Queen”

BEST TV SUPPORTING ACTOR
Josh Charles, “The Good Wife”
Rob Lowe, “Behind the Candelabra”
Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad”
Corey Stoll, “House of Cards”
X – Jon Voight, “Ray Donovan”

BEST TV SUPPORTING ACTRESS
X – Jacqueline Bissett, “Dancing on the Edge”
Janet McTeer, “The White Queen”
Hayden Pantierre, “Nashville”
Monica Potter, “Parenthood”
Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”

TV Recap: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Episode #11: “The Magical Place”

Posted on January 11, 2014 by Semtex Skittle

Nobody was more excited for the return of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. than me. I mean that literally. I think no one, anywhere on earth… was more excited for the return of this boring, silly show. There’s no way the cast members were more excited. I’ll maybe be willing to give Jed Whedon and Maurissa Truncheon the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were equally as excited. I mean, the show’s success kind of determines their viability, right? How do you screw up a big budget TV show that’s within Marvel’s universe, when the Marvel universe is gangbusters?

If you’re reading this, you probably don’t share my excitement for the return of this TV show. Maybe you just want to read recaps about it? Who can say? But I won’t bore you with my personal commentary any longer. Let’s recap the show!

The triumphant return of Previously On…

We get to see one line of dialogue from Ron Glass! I am much too excited about this! Remember, guys, how Loki stabbed Coulson in the chest? Oh, and remember the half-season cliffhanger episode where Mike Peterson fought some super powered dudes and May remained completely stoic and in control as she dodged a series of kicks and punches? Remember how Mike Peterson probably exploded? (Poor Mike Peterson). Well if you didn’t remember before, you definitely do now. I am beginning to suspect that this episode will have something to do with the mystery of Coulson’s death! Perhaps we will learn a tiny bit of information that will raise further questions! Let’s find out together!

Cold open: A pretty young woman and an Australian man (Aiden Turner) are discussing business. The business of Chitauri metal (this would be, if you’ve forgotten, remnants from the Chitauri invasion during “The Avengers”). Why? We don’t know! Then a disc which is (hilariously? obnoxiously? insanely?) branded with the logo of S.H.I.E.L.D. skitters across the floor. “Is that a roomba?” wonders the pretty young woman. Foolish young lady, it is not any variety of iRobot! It is a flashbang device, which cues May and Ward to surge into the room with wooden, workmanlike precision. They then proceed to very professionally work over the muscle in the room. Is it a precise but emotionally distant dance, much like when they make love? You speculate, dear reader, for I will not. The Chitauri metal dealer flees. Ward isn’t fast and dodgy like May, so he is on the ground as she pursues the dealer. Do her movements remind me of the scene in “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” when the T1000 pursues John Connor, overtaking even a moving car? Am I trying too hard to make machine parallels?

Metal dealer escapes Agent May, only to be confronted by UAVs piloted by Fitz-Simmons, which are equipped with tactical lights and being scary, for the metal dealer fires some panicked shots then flees into an elevator! How will we stop him now? Do not fear! Skye has control of the elevator! She sends it upward, at full speed! On the roof is an entire team of S.H.I.E.L.D. mooks, a pretty young red-haired woman, and a helicopter. I’m almost positive that this is Agent Victoria Hand (Saffron Burrows), returning for a second appearance. Presumably, she is here to lead the effort to rescue Agent Coulson from the sinister clutches of Centipede.

In Act I, the credits and some dialogue quickly confirms my suspicions. This is, indeed, the return of Agent Victoria Hand. She’s an actual comic book character, look her up! Comedian Rob Huebel appears prominently in the guest stars, which gives me hope for the future. There are a bunch of mooks on the plane now, reinforced by Agent Hand’s briefing, which includes seriously like a million people. Most of them mooks. I finally am able to make out clearly that the Australian Chitauri Metal Dealer’s name is Vanchat. Hand seems quite certain that Vanchat will talk. Of course, I have no idea what he might know that would help, but I might have missed something.

Agent Hand decides that we need to return to the well of Skye not always having been a straight-laced suit-wearing mantra-citing AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D., by summarily dismissing Skye from the team, and kicking her off the plane. Ward leaps to Skye’s defense, but May disagrees (stoically). Skye’s pretty sure she can find Coulson using her elite hacking skills, and Ward continues to agree. Wait, they’re agreeing? We need Skye off the plane bad. How will this show survive if we can’t have a secondary source of conflict involving poor, beleaguered, beautiful, Chloe Bennett?

Whoops, scene change! It’s been far too long already. Coulson is in his Tahiti fantasy. Then he’s awake… facing down Poe (Cullen Douglas), our old nemesis from Project Centipede. He’s trying to forcibly extract information from Coulson. Coulson points out that he’ll let himself die before he gives up anything. Then they argue about the death of Mike Peterson. Which was still very Hollywood-y. I hope Mike Peterson’s not dead. More mentions of “The Clairvoyant”, the supposedly telepathic third member of the Centipede triumvirate (the other being Raina, the ‘recruiter’, [Ruth Negga]) whom we have yet to meet on-screen. The Clairvoyant apparently saw Coulson’s death, but could not see the aftermath, when he was brought back to life by S.H.I.E.L.D. Mysteriouser and mysteriouser! Coulson’s not in a questions answering mood. Guess it’s time for more torture.

Act II! Skye is in her civvies, in what looks like an internet cafe (are these real anymore?) using a computer. She’s trying to hack stuff, you know? Unfortunately, S.H.I.E.L.D., in a disturbingly Orwellian fashion, shuts down both her access and that of everyone else in the cafe. Big Brother is watching, guys. Skye bails, buys a magazine, identifies some random CEO (Lloyd Rathman, played by the aforementioned Rob Huebel. His role is so minor that all that previously accumulated hope is fading away), then decides she needs to buy a new wardrobe, then steals a car. That’s really how this sequence went. Uh. Moving on!

Scene change! Fitz-Simmons are developing non-lethal countermeasures to the Centipede guys. At least, Simmons wants them to be non-lethal measures. Fitz is less sure. He says any methods necessary is fine, as long as Coulson is brought back safely. Also, the interrogation of Vanchak is going nowhere.

Scene change! Skye is doing stuff. Specifically, she is crashing her stolen Escalade into water barrels, to scam OnStar or whatever into towing her back to the luckless Lloyd Rathman’s house.

Scene change! Ward is taking over the interrogation of our favourite Australian man. Actually, he might be British. I’m not really sure. His accent is kind of mild. Ward, in what is probably a really ethical interrogation method, opens the cell chamber to the air outside the plane.

Scene change! Coulson is attempting an escape. Or is he? Oh, there’s Poe. Not surprised to see Coulson up and about. Apparently they’re in a Nuketown. The super soldiers are there too!

I’m glad we’re back to normal for the show. Skye is here again! She’s “at home” with her stolen Escalade. She calls up Rathman’s offices, and claims that she’s with the LAPD, has recovered a stolen vehicle, and some officers need to take his statement. He rushes home. Yay! More Rob Huebel! When he gets there, Skye confronts him, dressed in aviators and black leather, and says she’s Agent Melinda May. It’s probably the single best tension-breaking moment ever produced in this show. Seriously. I cracked a partial smile, and thought to myself: “I’m really going to enjoy writing about this one brief moment in this episode!”. It may or may not all be downhill from here.

Apparently, Lloyd Rathman is a legitimate businessman! Except for the whole ‘not asking questions about mysterious funds he’s helping shady characters launder’ thing. Skye takes over this scene in a way that we haven’t seen since the infamous Gravitonium Caper. This show is better when they take the manacles off of Chloe Bennett and let her do things beside type on the computer and give reaction shots, or have dumb conversations with Agent Ward that are supposed to contribute emotional depth. It’s obvious Skye has real ability as a face/con type, and Chloe Bennett is much more magnetic when she’s unchained. Free Skye! Free Skye! Anyway, she offers Lloyd immunity from Big Brother’s persecution, or something, if he chooses not to involve his lawyers. Unfortunately, she doesn’t notice when he taps the silent alarm. Oops.

Back aboard the ActionJet, Agent Hand is giving yet another briefing. She’s not happy with Ward, because Skye vanished, and Vanchat was nearly shot out of the plane. Luckily, Vanchat rolled under pressure of going skydiving sans parachute. Agent Hand wants to know why powerful people like Nick Fury give a shit what happens to Coulson. No agent is that important. “Coulson is,” Ward replies. He looks slightly less wooden than usual here. Apparently we need more of Victoria Hand on this show. She seems to inspire other people to demonstrate feelings and act like human beings.

Back with the Coulson torture experience. Raina shows up. The Clairvoyant doesn’t seem concerned about the pursuit of S.H.I.E.L.D. Boy it sure would be nice if we knew more about this Clairvoyant fellow. Now we’re going to argue about the effectiveness of torture. Also, now the Clairvoyant wants to talk to Raina the Recruiter. Tensions are high among Centipede personnel. Then the Clairvoyant kills? Poe. It didn’t look good, at any rate. I’m worried about his long-term health!

Ward isn’t Victoria Hand’s biggest fan. He and May banter a little. Ward wants to know why May acted like a total bitch and let Skye get kicked off the plane. Well, it’s because Skye works better when she can improvise and work outside the system. All of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s rules mostly get in her way. Yes, we’ve known that since the pilot. But I’m glad everyone’s on the same page now. We’ve made real progress with the character of poor Skye: everyone now admits she’s pretty useful. Then we learn that the ActionPlane can apparently flip a bitch. Nice! Back with Rob Huebel and Skye… she’s in total control. How cool is Skye when she gets to do stuff? I know this isn’t a great episode of TV or anything, but, it’s not terrible. This subplot, at the very least, I’m very much enjoying. Private security shows up, but Skye improbably bests them. Take that, Rob Huebel! Now he will do illegal things on Skye’s behalf! I’m sure this will pan out later. Or not. We’ll see.

Raina is not so sad that Poe is dead. He was a murderer, or whatever. The Clairvoyant gives guidance to Centipede. Except, they don’t know how to make people come back to life. Which is apparently what happened to Coulson (we already knew this, right? We can all agree this isn’t news, right?). Raina really wants to know what happened to Coulson after he died. She’s betting that… so does he. This method seems a lot more likely to work than torture, but it does sort of make the whole last episode seem pointless. I mean, we’re already done with Poe? All that work to break him out of prison, bring him in as a strategist, etc…. and he’s gone? Did Cullen Douglas have a big movie deal or something? This show does a really bad job of giving me reasons to care about secondary characters. They overdid it with Mike Peterson, and underdid it with everyone else.

Skye discovers that Rob Huebel is bad with computers. She enlists one of the security mooks she’s imprisoned to do the work while she spits out instructions. Not only does she have a good plan for backtracking Raina’s movements, but she’s still in total control of this episode. Free Chloe Bennett! Skye has what she needs, but she’s also going to borrow the luckless Rob Huebel’s Lamborghini. Is that the Gallardo convertible? We’re all envious of Skye as she zooms off. Back with Raina and Coulson, Raina finally convinces Coulson that ‘The Clairvoyant’ might actually have some telepathic ability by identifying his previous relationship. You know, the cellist. The cellist was heartbroken to learn that Coulson died… except, you know… he’s still alive. So what did happen in Tahiti? Oh, please, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. tell us! You have tantalized us with this storyline all half-season! Surely there must be some payoff!

Back on the ActionJet, Fitz-Simmons have developed a non-lethal countermeasure for the super-soldiers! All you have to do is attach a wrist-watch to them, and it will uh… shut off their superpowers. I mean, it totally sounds reasonable. Right? Anybody? Simmons gets a call from Skye. Simmons awkwardly bandies about code words and tries to act casual. Then May, who always knows what’s up, orders the random mooks out of the room and seizes the phone. Of course it’s Skye! Agent Hand is not at all amused that Ward and May want to take their team and investigate Skye’s lead. Presumably, Hand is supposed to be in charge. Blah blah blah. Unfortunately, rather than being coyly amused with her brilliance, May is a brick wall. You know, just like every other time. An unusually expressive Ward declares that they’re going after Coulson, with or without Hand’s backing. Sounds good, Ward! We all know that problems can only be solved by the main cast!

Meanwhile… Raina is being nice to Coulson. She’s got him in the memory machine, but she’s not zapping him or being a dick. This seems roughly 7,000,000,000,000x more likely to actually get memories out of Coulson’s brain. Sure enough, almost right away he’s remembering Ron Glass, and references to Nick Fury. Since we’re about to go to commercial, I can already tell this is going to be some dumb cliffhanger about Coulson’s fate. Seriously, if this is the only mystery you guys have for us, you shouldn’t have started teasing it in S1E1. Anyway, cliffhanger. No question now. But, dear readers, don’t fear! I will return next week with a more timely recap that will follow the same pattern of tough love that I have adhered to thus far.

Act IV! Skye and her Gallardo arrive at Nuketown! She seems disquieted by the mannequins. I think I would be too. The whole idea of a nuketown seems… weird to me. A Super Soldier rushes to apprehend Skye, but he’s run over by the ActionMobile. Coulson is looking inward, toward Ron Glass. Raina is now frantic, trying to divine Coulson’s secret. Meanwhile, the entire S.H.I.E.L.D. actionteam is assembled. And now even Fitz-Simmons are wearing cool black leather uniforms (actually, they have been all episode, but this is the payoff). Ward and the wristwatch are going to take on Random Super Soldier #1. Everyone else is going to fan out and look for Coulson. May deals with some regular mooks with a little crane style, Ward battles Generic Super Soldier. It’s actually a very nice action sequence. Many film directors have no idea what to do when directing action so they either pull us in way too tight or make the camera super shaky so we can’t really see what’s going on. Here, the direction is smooth and confident. Ward and May are allowed to look like badasses. I really appreciate this touch. Ward jams his supersoldier countermeasure into his guy’s mouth. It works perfectly. Score yet another one for Fitz-Simmons.

Coulson is still trying to remember. Then, abruptly, he does. We’re back in time. Ron Glass is morally outraged. Coulson is begging the S.H.I.E.L.D. doctors to let him die, as some robots work on his brain or something. It would be disturbing, but it’s all so static-free and clean. This scene could have used some more visceral reality. Modern-day Agent Coulson is freaking out. Skye shows up and punches Raina right in her freaking face. Seriously, is anyone as cool as Skye? Maybe not anyone ever. She shows real emotions on her real face at the state she finds Coulson in. Meanwhile, May makes a wooden comment about Skye’s new leather jacket.

Back at the ActionJet, Raina is now a prisoner. She and Coulson have an eye-contact-moment. Hand reports that Centipede has gone down in flames. Nick Fury is pleased with their progress. Hand and her goons are escorting Raina back to headquarters for interrogation. Hand admits that the ActionJet and its ActionTeam and (presumably) its ActionSkye aren’t really her style. Then she’s out. Coulson thanks the team. It was pretty much all Skye, but hey, don’t forget the others. Now after like the 2908308423084th time Skye has been useful, Coulson decides to remove her house arrest bracelet. It’s kind of a fun moment, but tempered by the whole ‘let’s revisit Coulson chanting over and over again “please let me die”‘ thing.

Scene change! Coulson does the creepy Hollywood thing where he’s in the back seat of Ron Glass’ car. You know what I’m talking about. Ron Glass is not proud in the least of the whole ‘bringing Coulson back from the dead’ operation. In case anyone hadn’t picked up on it, the “Tahiti trip” was a hallucination implanted in Coulson’s brain. Ron Glass and the other doctors tried to restore Coulson’s will to live after they put him through unendurable agony. I’m stunned that we’re getting this much detail. My respect for the show has hit an all-time high. It’s still not that high. But it’s higher.

Coda! Few shows do the coda as relentlessly as Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.. This one is actually really good. Mike Peterson (J. August Richards) awakes. He’s alive, albeit missing the lower half of his right leg. Oh… and he’s got the eye thing. Well, shit.

This was a clearly above-average episode of Agents. For whatever that’s worth. I hope you either enjoyed the episode, or turned to this recap for solace and enjoyed it instead. Our odyssey will continue next week. Until then, do not fear the super/mutant power revolution. Because Big Brother is watching.

Why Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones Nearly Made Me Sick

Posted on January 11, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The latest Paranormal Activity film nearly made me sick.

Now, I know what you’re saying. “Oh my God, Lisa — we all know the Paranormal Activity films aren’t great but was it really that bad!?”

No, actually it wasn’t that bad. In fact, by the standards of the found footage film genre, I would say it was about average. It had everything that you’d expect from a Paranormal Activity film. There were bumps in the darkness. There were amazingly stupid characters who continually said things like, “Are you filming?” and “Did you hear that?” Most importantly, there were the shout-outs to the previous films in the series. Old VHS tapes labeled “Katie and Kristi” are found in a closet. One character talked about having a dream where he was on a farm surrounded by old women. Katie and Micah showed up yet again.

(You have to wonder how Micah Sloat feels about having a film career that is pretty much based on being murdered by Katie Featherstone in film after film after film…)

Listen, it’s easy to criticize the Paranormal Activity films. God knows that I’ve certainly criticized them a lot. But the fact of the matter is that they give the audience exactly what the audience is expecting. After five of these films, we all know exactly what we’re going to get when we go see a movie with the words Paranormal Activity in the title. You know that you’re going to jump a few times, you’re going to wonder how the characters can always be so stupid, and, if you’re so inclined, you can have fun spotting the references to previous films. If you’re going into a Parnormal Activity film expecting to see something brilliantly original or good, you’re doing it wrong. These films are the equivalent of the silly, but still scary, ghost stories that are best told in the middle of a dark, stormy night by someone with a flashlight pointed at her face.

In other words, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is exactly what you would expect it to be.

So, why did it make me sick?

Like the other films in the series, The Marked Ones is told using “found footage.” However, whereas those previous films at least found an excuse to make use of a stationary camera, The Marked Ones is almost entirely hand-held. In other words, it’s shaky cam time and, for me at least, it was also nearly motion sickness time. Unfortunately, the hand-held work doesn’t really add any sort of immediacy to the film. Instead, it just makes you wonder why the character of Hector (Jorge Diaz) is still filming even while he’s running for his life. Sometimes, you just have to drop the damn camera. (Then again, it is a Paranormal Activity film…)

The Marked One is being sold as not a sequel but spin-off from the original Paranormal Activity films. As opposed to the other films, which all took place in the haunted homes of upper middle class white people, The Marked Ones takes place in a California housing complex where the majority of the residents are working class Latinos. The filmmakers are to be commended for both trying to open up the material with a new setting and for trying to give the film an authentic Latin flavor but ultimately, this is a Parnormal Activity film and it really doesn’t matter where you live or what your ethnicity is, the same old shit is going to keep happening to you.

Recent high school graduates Jesse (Andrew Jacobs) and Hector taunt an old witch who lives in the apartment downstairs. Shortly after Jesse awakes one morning to discover a strange bite on his arm, the witch is murdered and Jesse starts to act possessed. It’s up to Hector to try to figure out why his friend is acting so strange and to hopefully save him from the same witches who have popped up in every other Paran0rmal Activity film. Will Hector succeed or will he just keep filming?

Listen, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones isn’t really a very good film. It’s predictable, the characters act in ways that no normal person would act, and even the expected scares — while occasionally jump-worthy — are no where close to being as effective as they were in the previous films. But you already knew that because it’s a Parnormal Activity film. If you enjoyed the previous films in the series, you’ll probably find something to enjoy about The Marked Ones. And if you didn’t enjoy the previous films, you wouldn’t be watching The Marked Ones to begin with.