Early Friday morning, I found myself watching an old school made-for-TV movie, Doing Time On Maple Drive, on the Lifetime Movie Network. If you’ve heard of this film, it’s probably because it features a kinda young Jim Carrey in a supporting role.
Why Was I Watching It?
Because when it’s 3 a.m. and you’re getting hit by the old insomnia curse, what’s a girl to do put turn on the TV and change the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network?
What’s It About?
The Carters appear to be the perfect American family. They’ve got a beautiful house in the suburbs (on Maple Drive, no less), the children are all handsome and intelligent, the dad is a succesful businessman, the mom a perfect homemaker, and blah blah blah. You know how this is going to turn out already, don’t you? Dad is actually an overly competitive jerk, mom is in denial, the daughter is a neurotic mess, the youngest son is a closeted homosexual, and the oldest child is Jim Carrey. He’s also an alcoholic and he claims that his name is actually Tim but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still Jim Carrey.
What Worked?
Tolstoy once said that all happy families are the same but that each unhappy family is unique. The family in this film is unique because — well, oh my God, how dysfunctional can you be? Not only do you have the judgmental parents and the alcoholic son but you’ve got the frigid daughter and the self-loathing gay son. Just using one of these stock characters would have made the film’s storyline seem familiar and predictable. However, tossing all of them into the mix and you’ve got an old school camp classic, complete with dramatic monologues, scary silences, and all the rest. Though this was originally made and shown by Fox, Doing Time On Maple Drive really does take the beloved Lifetime Family Drama formula to its most logical extreme.
The film is also pretty well-acted and features some familiar faces for those of us who love horror and exploitation films. For instance, the gay son is played by William McNamara who, if you’re an Argento fan, you may remember his extremely graphic death scene in Opera.
Making the film even more odd, McNamara’s character is engaged to Alison, who is played by Lori Loughlin, the mom from 90210. How often do you get to see a mix of Argento, 90210, and Jim Carrey on screen?
What Didn’t Work?
Jim Carrey! Don’t get me wrong, Jim did a good enough job playing his role but the whole time you’re watching the film, you keep thinking “that’s not Tim the alcoholic, that’s Jim Carrey.”
What’s ironic about that, of course, is that Jim Carrey is probably the only reason why anyone ever chooses to watch Doing Time On Maple Drive. Well, Jim Carrey and insomnia.
(As a sidenote, Jim Carrey had to deliver the line, “I’ve done my time on Maple Drive,” which, of course, meant I had to yell, “We have a title!”)
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moments
During one dramatic moment, Alison tells her boyfriend, “What’s funny is a part of me always suspected you might be gay…” This line made me cringe just because I said the exact same thing to one of my ex-boyfriends once. He started crying. It was just kinda awkward.
The other night, I watched an old Patrick Swayze movie called Road House. The movie was on Channel 64, which is also known as the Ion Network. Anyway, the movie started at 8:00 and I was really, really tired for some reason so, as the movie started, I made the mistake of grabbing a pillow and curling up on the couch with the cat and, no offense to the memory of Patrick Swayze but, as soon as he showed up on my TV screen, my eye lid started to get so heavy. My sister Erin sat down beside me and said, “Are you falling asleep?” “No,” I said and then I was out like a light.
Luckily, Erin turned on the DVR as soon as she heard the sound of my asthmatic wheeze of a snore so when I woke up at 3 in the morning, I sat up and proceeded to watch the final 80 minutes of Road House.
Why Was I Watching It?
Because almost every guy I know seems to be in love with this movie. When Patrick Swayze died, I though about Dirty Dancing and Donnie Darko. But almost every guy I know — from my friend Jeff to my cousins in Arkansas to my boss at work to my online friends on twitter — was going, “Road House!” So, I watched it to see if I could maybe understand what makes the male mind tick. Plus, I was bored and really, really tired. And I couldn’t find the remote to change the channel. (Turns out it was actually underneath me, lost in the cushions of the couch.)
What’s It About
Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, who is apparently a legendary “cooler,” which apparently is what you call a bouncer who thinks he’s too good to be called a bouncer. He get hired to be a boun–oh, sorry, a cooler — at a bar called the Double Deuce that is located down in Jasper, Missouri. So, Swayze goes down there and starts cleaning the place up and then it turns out that the entire town is controlled by Brad Wesley (played with a true joie de vivre by Ben Gazzara) and Wesley wants…well, I’m not sure what he wants, to be honest. I mean, seriously, I was so tired when I started watching this movie. I’m sure I missed all sorts of nuance and such. But anyway, Gazzara wants something and Swayze won’t let him have it so there’s a lot of fights at the road house and a car dealer ship gets destroyed and a barn blows up and then eventually Patrick Swayze rips out some guy’s throat with his bare hands.
In between all of this, Swayze recruits his mentor (Sam Elliott) to come down and help out. This leads to Elliott getting murdered but nobody ever thinks to say, “Hey, Patrick — maybe if you had just let Gazzara do his thing, Sam Elliott would still be alive today.” Also, Swayze romances a local doctor played by Kelly Lynch. She used to be Gazzara’s girlfriend and she gets upset after seeing Swayze rip out someone’s throat with his bare hands. But then she ends up skinny dipping with him about fifteen minutes later so I guess she got over it.
Did I mention that Patrick Swayze rips out someone’s throat with his bare hands?
What Worked
Road House is one of those “so-bad-its-good” type films. This is a film that sets out to be manly and ends up being so manly that it becomes ludicrous. But guys are almost always fun to watch when they’re trying to be all guy-like. (Though not always, as will be discussed under the heading of What Didn’t Work.)
Ben Gazzara is a lot of fun in the role of Brad Wesley. Seriously, he looks like he had so much fun playing the part. Usually, it annoys me when a film’s main female character is revealed to be the ex of a total and complete psycho (and I’m looking at you, Love and Other Drugs) but it totally works here because seriously, Ben Gazzara is the man.
And Sam Elliott provides all sorts of grizzled, beer-soaked, chain-smoking, unwashed sexiness.
The film features a lot of countryside that doesn’t look much like Missouri but it’s still really pretty. (Missouri’s really pretty too. You rock, Missouri!)
Since this film was being shown on television, all of the bare asses and visible nipples were edited out as were all the four-letter words. However, it was that really weird, half-ass style of editing where you hear Patrick Swayze yelling, “FU—-CK YOU, WESLEY!” Also, whenever anyone said the F-word, a big blurry dot suddenly appeared over their mouth. That may not sound like much but at 3 in the morning, it really can cause you to giggle.
At one point, one of the bad guys grabs Patrick Swayze from behind and goes, “I used to FU—-CK Guys like you in prison!” That line made me laugh way too much. Plus, the guy saying it was really hot but then Patrick Swayze used his bare hands to rip out of the guy’s throat and that kind of ruined the whole mood.
What Didn’t Work
Well, technically, the entire film didn’t work but that’s kind of the whole point. Still, for a film that’s supposed to be so bad that it’s good, Road House is still not that good. It never quite reaches the level of Troll 2 or The Room. Quite frankly, there’s waaaaaaaaaay too much testosterone rampaging through this movie and the whole time I watched, I kept on thinking about the violence that seems to define day-to-day existence for far too many people.
Add to that, all of the men seemed to be beating each other up mainly because they were all actually in love with each other but refused to be honest with themselves about it. Seriously, this movie has some issues.
Plus, Ben Gazzara ends up dead at the end of the film which really upset me because he’s the most likable character in the entire film! At the very least, he’s got a really nice house.
Both Swayze and Elliott are apparently meant to be legendary bouncers. They’re so legendary that apparently everyone on the entire planet knows who they are. Now, I’m curious — are there really legendary bouncers? I mean, is there like an in-house magazine that all the coolers and bouncers and barmaids subscribe to? Maybe Patrick Swayze’s character was on the cover a few times. I mean, I can accept that maybe Swayze would be legendary in a few cities were he had worked but would the citizens of Jasper, Missouri really have the slightest idea who he is?
“Oh My God! Just like me!” Moments
Uhmmm…I’m thinking. There really weren’t any moments that made me go, “Oh my God! Just like me!” I mean, I don’t know Tae Kwon Do, I don’t really drink all that much, I’ve never ripped out anyone’s throat with my bare hands, I’ve never fired a shotgun at Ben Gazzara, and I don’t cover myself in body oil before going outside shirtless and practicing Tai Chi.
Oh, wait a minute! Much like Kelly Lynch in this movie, I would probably totally freak out if my boyfriend ripped out some guy’s throat. In fact, I would probably freak out even more than she did. I mean, even if — like Patrick Swayze in this movie — he made things right by dumping the corpse in a lake and then screaming, “FUCK YOU!” at Ben Gazzara, there’s no way you’d get me to go skinny dipping with him after all of that. Because the whole time, I would just be like, “That’s great you got everyone to kill Ben Gazzara, sweetie but seriously, I saw you rip someone’s larynx out of their freaking throat. So, just stand six feet away and keep your hands where I can see them.”
Agck! Now, I’m kinda freaking out about my own throat. I mean, is it that easy to do? *Shudder* I probably never should have given this that much thought…
Lessons Learned:
Protect your throat at all times. Seriously, I’m going to start wearing a stainless steel choker every time I leave the house.
Last night, I watched the annual Golden Globe Awards show.
Why Was I Watching It?
Well, I wasn’t watching it because I was expecting to see the best films and tv shows of the last year recognized. The Golden Globes are notorious for being odd and anyone who takes them too seriously needs to relax a little. The appeal of the Golden Globes is that 1) it recognizes both television and film in the same ceremony which means you get to see unexpected sights like Jim Parsons, Robert De Niro, Johnny Depp, and the cast of Glee all in the same auditorium, 2) drinks are served throughout the ceremony which means that everyone’s pretty drunk by the end of it, and 3) you can make fun of what everyone’s wearing.
What’s It About?
As the show’s host, Ricky Gervais pointed out while commenting on the odd nomination of The Tourist for Best Picture (Comedy), the show is mostly about the shadowy members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association getting a chance to hang out with people like Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. And who can blame them, really? Quite honestly, if it meant I might get a chance to spend a night with Johnny Depp (or, I’ll admit it, Angelia Jolie), I’m more than willing to love The Tourist too.
What Worked
Oh my God, it was such an odd three hours. While the winners were kinda predictable and boring (how excited can you get — at this point — to see The Social Network win awards) and showed the typical tendency towards embracing the safe over the unpredictable, Ricky Gervais kept things lively. He hosted with an attitude that basically said, “My career doesn’t need your approval so fuck off, Hollywood.” It also pretty much guaranteed that Gervais will never host the Oscars. My favorite Gervais moment came early when he made the comment about secretly gay Scientologists (an obvious reference to Tom Cruise and maybe John Travolta). The way the audience gasped pretty much told you all you needed to know as far as the truth behind the joke was concerned.
Robert De Niro won the DeMille Award and gave a speech that revealed that he’s actually a human being and apparently, a somewhat bitter one at that. Also, I simply have to mention that Robert De Niro is aging really well. As opposed to…oh, I don’t know…Al Pacino, maybe?
Melissa Leo is one of my favorites actresses and it was nice to see her rewarded for The Fighter but her speech did go on and on and the only thing that saved the moment was that some genius in the control booth decided to cut to Helena Bonham Carter who had the coolest “What the fuck?” look on her face.
Angelina Jolie’s green dress was quite simply to die for and I want it because it’s the same color as my right eye. So, I’ll repeat the offer that I made earlier on twitter: whoever gets me this dress (by whatever means) can watch while I try it on and take it off. (That’s a joke, by the way! Seriously though, I so want that dress. Except, of course, I’d want to have Hello Kitty on it somewhere…)
Natalie Portman won best actress in a drama and, out of all the awards given last night, that’s really the only one I agreed with. When Portman’s name was announced, my twitter friend Jason Tarwater asked if I was doing cartwheels. Well, I didn’t do cartwheels but I did attempt to do a pirouette and wow, that was a mistake because I so twisted my ankle the wrong way and ended up in really intense pain. So, I missed Natalie’s speech but I bet it was great.
I do like the way that the Golden Globes divide their awards into a drama and a comedy section. It’s a smart idea, I think.
What Didn’t Work?
I’m not going to complain about The Social Network winning most of the awards. It’s not a bad film, at all. It’s just not the great movie that so many critics are insisting that it is. At this point, I’m not so much anti-Social Network as much as I’m just bored with it.
Al Pacino’s a great actor but seriously, I hit mute any time he wins an award. And, seriously, would it kill him to wash his hair or something before he shows up for an awards ceremony?
Justin Bieber came out and gave an award or something and I’m sorry — he’s creepy. I mean, like David Archuletta creepy. Plus, I always have to go to Wikipedia to find out whether the i or the e comes first whenever I’m trying to type out the name “Bieber”. I mean, I’m only 25 and this little punk and his fans are making me feel like an old woman complaining about “kids today.” NOT COOL, BIEBER!
Aaron Sorkin won for his overrated screenplay and I guess he’s aware that he’s got an image problem because he tried so hard to be gracious but it was kinda like when James Cameron tried to be gracious while promoting Avatar. It just didn’t work. The more humble Sorkin tried to be, the more he came across like a prick. The final insult came when he thanked the best actress nominees for being “smart” women as if that’s such an unusual thing to be. I’m assuming this was Sorkin’s attempt to show that he’s not a sexist pig but it just came across as condescending and fake. It’s interesting to contrast Sorkin’s speech with David Fincher’s speech. Fincher was far more gracious and, quite frankly, the only reason that Sorkin’s screenplay came close to working was because, as a director, Fincher kept things visually interesting so you didn’t really spend too much time thinking about how every single character in the entire freakin’ movie sounded exactly like Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, does Sorkin know anyone who doesn’t talk like him?
Was it just me or did producer Scott Rudin — while accepting best picture for The Social Network — almost seem as if he had to be reminded to thank Fincher? It’s interesting that, for all the acclaim Social Network and Sorkin have gotten, Fincher has often come close to being forgotten. Could it be because Sorkin is a card-carrying member of the Hollywood establishment while Fincher, much like Fighter’s David O. Russell and Black Swan’s Darren Aronofsky, is not?
Finally, the first winner of the night was Christian Bale. Was he deliberately trying to channel Colin Farrell last night or was it just an accident? Regardless, when it comes Colin Farrell, I prefer the real thing.
“Oh my God! Just Like Me” Moment
“I’ll show you a pair of golden globes!”
Lessons Learned
As excited as I’ll be if Natalie Portman wins an Oscar for best actress, I will force myself not to dance.
Yes, I hear the sound of everyone starting to protest and rest assured, I’m not planning on using my space here to start blogging about The Bachelor (though I guess I could if I ever like got really pissed off at men in general…) It just happens that The Bachelor is what I watched last night and it featured a vampire.
Why Was I Watching It?
Because, God help me, I love it so. Everyone has at least one irrational love. I love crappy reality TV, especially if it gives me an excuse to get all catty and show my claws. Meow!
What’s It About?
Since this was the 1st episode of the new season, we met our new bachelor and discovered that he’s an old bachelor — it’s the return of Brad Womack! For those of you who don’t follow these things (and I assume that’s everyone involved with this site except for me), Brad was the Bachelor a few seasons ago. He’s the one who, after he picked his bride, then dumped her on national TV and decided he wanted to marry the girl who came in second. Then he dumped that girl too.
Anyway, Brad’s been in therapy for 3 years and in this episode, he explains that this all happened because he didn’t have a good relationship with his Dad, therefore establishing himself firmly as yet another little boy with daddy issues. (Pardon me while I gag.)
Once Brad’s got that all cleared up, he meets the poor girls who are competing to be his wife and he basically spends the majority of the episode saying, “I just want another chance because I have daddy issues.” You got another chance, you toadsucker. Shut up about your freaking childhood! Fortunately, there’s hope on the horizon because of a vampire named Madison.
What Worked?
First off, everyone spent a lot of time — and I mean A LOT OF TIME — trash-talkin’ Brad. I mean, everyone! The girls, the show’s host, and finally even Brad himself, all they could talk about was how much of a loser the guy is. And you know what? He is. Which is why it’s going to be fun to watch him basically put himself through Hell all over again.
Plus, the girl with fangs got a rose and I imagine that’s probably because the show’s producers thought she’d be good for ratings but who cares? She’s got fangs!
What Didn’t Work?
Well, the show is like sooooo totally shallow and reality TV is just the devil’s programming and it’s all evidence of how stupid people are and blah blah blah blah. Just insert your own boring, anti-reality television diatribe in here. And then pat yourself on the back because, yeah, you’re really like the first person who has ever said any of that crap. I mean, obviously, you’re a freaking genius. Good job, you elitist toadsucker.
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment
Not that long ago, I used to dress in all black and wear a studded choker. I also renamed myself Pandora DeSaad and wrote poetry about slitting my wrists and watching the blood circle down the drain of the sink. That got kinda tedious after a while and I moved on. Still, even if I hadn’t, I would still hope that I would be allowed to appear on the Bachelor.
Lessons Learned:
None. There were no lessons to be learned from this. The show was pure trash with no redeeming value. That was kind of the point.
No, What Did I Do Last Night? is not the latest Lifetime movie, despite the title. (What Did I Do Last Night?: The Lisa Marie Bowman Story — I like the sound of that….) What Did I Do Last Night? is a 30-minute “reality” show that currently airs on the Current TV Network. Check your local listings.
Why Was I Watching It?
Originally, I had turned over to Current TV to watch Al Pacino in Scarface. What Did I Do Last Night? came on immediately after Scarface and, as often happens with my late night television habits, I was just too lazy to change the station.
What’s It About?
Apparently, over the course of each episode, the show’s smug host (Jeff Leach) gets a different English person drunk and then films them acting like a complete jackass. The next day, he shows the footage to his hungover victim and scares them sober. Or something like that.
This episode’s victim was a cheerful blonde named Rita who, once she got intoxicated, ended up climbing on top of a table at a bar. The next morning, Rita responded by saying that she was “disgusting” and then breaking down into tears. That’ll teach her to try to enjoy herself when she goes out.
What Worked?
Well, Rita did say she was going to try to reduce her drinking so technically, I guess you could say the whole show worked. Except, of course, that’s a load of crap because the show’s not about helping people. It’s about humiliating them while the viewing audience thinks, “I might be an unoriginal, boring, unimaginative toadsucker, but at least I don’t ever get that drunk.” And, taken from that perspective, the show again accomplished what it set out to do.
What Didn’t Work:
There’s a thin line between helping and victimizing and this show pretty much crossed that line from the beginning.
This show was a lot like Intervention in that it claims to help the addicted but only after they’ve managed to exploit that addiction for all that its worth. Of course, there is a big difference in that the Intervention film crew doesn’t actually shoot anyone up with heroin while this show actually gets people drunk so that the smug host can criticize them for it. The whole time that Rita was being shown stumbling around drunk, nobody ever asked if, under nontelevised circumstances, she usually drank quite as much alcohol as the show’s producers insisted on providing for her.
Plus, they pulled a very cruel trick on Rita early on in the show. While Rita is debating what to wear on her drunken night out, the show’s producers are heard encouraging her to wear a white dress with a low neckline and a very short skirt. What they didn’t tell Rita — but what they surely knew — was that her entire trip to the bar would be filmed with an infrared camera which would basically make that white dress transparent in a way that a non-white dress would not have been. Since the dress itself was practically skin-tight, Rita didn’t wear any underwear with the dress which means that, for the final 15 minutes of the show, she’s seen thoroughly shitfaced in a see-through dress with a huge amount of pixels over her crotch. And it’s impossible to maintain any sort of dignity when you’re climbing on top of a bar with a blurry twat.
I felt very bad for poor, exploited Rita. I hope somebody bought her a drink afer this show aired.
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment
At one point, after the producers have gotten her drunk, Rita is shown falling down and then falling again as she attempts to stand back up. “Oh my God!” I shouted, “just like me!” What’s sad is that, for the most part, I rarely drink. Yet, I often fall.
Later on, as Rita was standing on a table and demanding, “Everybody look at me bum!”, my sister Erin said, “Oh my God, just like Lisa.” As much as I love my sister, I have to disagree. Obviously, not being English, I don’t use terms like “bum.”
Around 2 in the morning, I found myself watching Wall of Secrets, yet another cheap Canadian “thriller” that has apparently found a second life on the Lifetime Movie Network.
Why Was I Watching It?
My sister (and housemate) Erin was in Arlington babysitting our niece and Jeff’s going to be in Baltimore until New Year’s Eve (I miss him sooooo0000 much!) so I was alone and, as often happens when I’m alone, I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia’s a bitch and so am I after I haven’t been able to sleep more than eight hours in four days. I figured that maybe Wall of Secrets would put me to sleep so I started recording it on DVR (so I could see the rest of it after I woke up — I am the Queen of Wishful Thinking) and then I set up my little bed on the couch and I got as comfy as I could and then I closed my eyes and attempted to allow the sounds of the film lull me into sleep. No, it didn’t work. I ended up just watching the stupid movie instead.
What’s It About?
It’s the one about the newlyweds (Nicole Eggert and Dean “Mr. Tori Spelling” McDermott) who move into this huge, luxurious apartment in Seattle that they shouldn’t be able to afford. However, it seems that all of the previous tenants of the apartment have either died mysteriously or disappeared. As a result, they’re able to get a good deal on the rent.
(I attempted to do the same thing when Erin and I decided on the house we wanted to move into. I insisted to the owner that all of the previous tenants had been murdered and as such, he should really just give the house away. Unfortunately, I did not take into consideration that he was the only previous tenant.)
Anyway, McDermott is career-obsessed which gives Eggert a lot of time to hang out around the apartment, talk to the crazy old woman who lives down the hall, and get attacked by masked strangers. Eventually, she discovers that there’s actually all sorts of survellance equipment hidden in the walls and that someone has been watching her. But who?
What Worked?
Let’s see — there’s a cab driver who is in the film for 5 seconds and gets to say, “Give him Hell, lady!” That made me smile.
Voyeurs hiding in the walls? Its as if someone decided to film my sexual fantasies and then invited the whole world to come to watch!
What Didn’t Work?
My sexual fantasies usually feature better dialogue. And acting.
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!’ Moment
At one point, Eggert wanders around her apartment in just a towel and then realizes that she’s left the blinds wide open. “Oh my God!” I shouted, “That’s just like me!”
Lessons Learned
Always be sure to wear pretty underwear because you never know who might be filming you as you undress.
Last night, I watched The Ex on the Lifetime Movie Network.
Why Was I Watching It?
As I was feeling ill, I had already made myself a little pillow fort in the living room and I was curled up with my wonderfully soft Hello Kitty pillow. It just seemed, at that moment, that watching the Lifetime Movie Network was really the only appropriate thing to do. (Plus, quite frankly, my options are limited now that we’re between seasons of Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, and Hell’s Kitchen.)
What’s It About?
Psychotic Yancy Butler, having already committed two murders, decides to move to New York and stalk her ex-husband (played by Nick Mancuso). Since leaving Butler, Mancuso has married Suzy Amis and now has a five year-old son who is dealing with rage issues of his own. After befriending Amis, Butler forces her way into Mancuso’s life and kills a lot of people.
What Worked:
Yancy Butler gives a wonderfully over-the-top, campy performance that is full of arched eyebrows and sardonic smirks. She delivers every line as if she’s auditioning for a community theater production of Double Indemnity. She appears to be having so much fun with her role that you actually end up hoping that she’ll manage to kill both Mancuso and Amis (both of whom are far less entertaining).
Director Mark L. Lester is an exploitation vet (he’s best known for directing The Class of 1984) and, as a result, this film has a bit more flair than what you typically find on the Lifetime Movie Network.
What Didn’t Work
This is a Canadian film that apparently went straight-to-video in the States. As a result, New York City looks a lot like Toronto.
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment
I have almost the exact same outfit hanging in my closet that Yancy Butler wears in the 1st few scenes of this movie.
Lessons Learned:
Your man’s ex really is as much of a psycho bitch as you think she is.
Hi. This is the 1st edition of something that I like to call What Lisa Watched Last Night. Because, y’see, I not only love movies and books. I watch a lot of TV as well.
Last night, after we got home from spending the day at the holiday family reunion at my uncle’s, my sister Erin and I turned on Lifetime and watched an encore presentation of the “original Lifetime movie,” The Perfect Teacher.
Why Was I Watching This?
When this movie premiered back in September, I watched it because, based on the commercials, it looked silly and fun. Plus, it was on Lifetime and, no matter how much I love the Grindhouse, I’m a girly girl at heart. As for last night, I watched it mostly because I was too worn out from the holidays to do much of anything else.
What’s The Movie About:
Devon (Megan Park) is a spoiled rich girl who develops a crush on her new teacher, Jim Wilkes (David Charvet). Jim is also the coach of the Girl’s Volleyball Team and Devon volunteers to work as his assistant. Before leaving on a volleyball road trip, Devon buys sexy lingerie which apparently is meant to let us know that she’s crazy. (Though really, why wouldn’t you buy sexy lingerie before going on a road trip with David Charvet? I mean, he’s a terrible actor but look at him!) Anyway, the team’s staying in a hotel, Devon knocks on Charvet’s door, Charvet answers the door without his shirt on and…uhm, yeah. Okay, how stupid is David Charvet not to know that when he’s the only adult present with a group of female minors, he needs to answer the door with his shirt on? Seriously, way to be a tease, Charvet. Anyway, long story short — Devon declares her love for Charvet, Charvet rejects her because he’s married to boring, old Rachel (Boti Bliss) so Devon gets behind the wheel of an SUV and runs Rachel down while she’s jogging.
Some other stuff happens but basically, all you really need to know is: lingerie-clad Park, shirtless Charvet, and hit-and-run Bliss.
What Worked:
The movie not only looks silly and fun — it is silly and fun! Ever since I originally saw this, I’ve been taking advantage of any opportunity to quote Devon: “I can be your dream or I can be your …. NIGHTMARE!” Megan Park actually does a pretty good job playing Devon. David Charvet can’t act but he’s nice to look at. As the wife, Boti Bliss has really boring hair and is kinda whiney but then she gets run over by a rampaging SUV.
What Didn’t Work:
Hey, it’s Lifetime. It all worked.
“Oh my God! Just like me moment!”
Who hasn’t had a crush on a teacher? Me, I pretty much developed a crush on every male teacher/professor that I ever had. However, when I think about teenage crushes I had on older men, I always end up thinking about Mark. Mark wasn’t a teacher but he was engaged to marry Ms. Conn, who was our Speech and Debate coach. I was 17 at the time and he was 23. Eventually, Mark accompanied us when we went to a speech tournament in San Antonio. Much as in The Perfect Teacher, the entire team stayed at a motel and, for me, the highlight of the trip was the night when I put on the pink Victoria’s Secret nightie I’d bought specifically for the trip, snuck out of my room, pulled the fire alarm, and met Mark as he came running out of his room clad only in his boxers.
I guess that’s not as extreme as getting behind the wheel of an SUV and running down someone’s wife but still, we’ve all played the role of obsessive stalker chick at least once or twice in our life.
Lessons Learned:
It’s not a Lifetime movie unless there’s some sort of lesson learned or deeper truth revealed by the end of the film. The lesson of The Perfect Teacher appear to be that even if you do marry a really nice, handsome guy who doesn’t cheat on you or plot your murder, chances are that he’s still going to unintentionally lead on some psycho bitch who will end up running you down in her car while you’re out jogging. In short, even good men are idiots and anyone younger and/or prettier than you is psychotic and looking to ruin your life.
Anyway, since this is Lifetime, you can be sure that The Perfect Teacher will be rerun at least three or four times a year until the end of time. I know a few readers might be saying, “But, Lisa, we wouldn’t be caught dead watching Lifetime.” And, to you, I say…I can be your dream or I can be your….NIGHTMARE!
Through the Shattered Lens 