Tag Archives: TV

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.18 “The Offering”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week features the most fearsome monster yet.

Episode 2.18 “The Offering”

(Dir by Ernest Farino, originally aired on February 18th, 1990)

After a serious auto accident, Lewis (Robert Krantz) wakes up in a hospital with a bandage wrapped around his head.  Dr. Hubbard (Orson Bean) tells Lewis that he’s suffered a concussion and must rest.  All Lewis wants to know is whether or not his mother’s surgery went okay.  Dr. Hubbard sighs and says that they were not able to get all of the cancer.

Lewis’s comatose mother is a patient at the same hospital and, when Lewis sneaks into her room to visit with her, he’s shocked to discover that he can see a giant insect-like creature that is hovering over the bed and producing slugs that are burrowing under his mother’s skin.  Lewis sees the same thing when he looks at other cancer patients but Dr. Hubbard insists that Lewis is only having hallucinations.

In order to try to help Lewis come to terms with both his accident and his mother’s cancer, Dr. Hubbard allows Lewis to watch as a patient undergoes radiation treatment.  Lewis is the only one who can see that the slugs are drawn to the radiation and will leave a patient’s body to find the source of it.  Still unable to convince Hubbard that what he’s seeing is real, Lewis sneaks out his room, steals a radioactive isotope, and prepares to make the ultimate sacrifice to save his mother.

The Offering is a return to form for Monsters.  Full of atmosphere and featuring a genuinely disturbing set of monsters, this is an effective and well-acted episode that works because it captures the helplessness that everyone will feels when a family member or loved one is seriously ill.  I lost my mother to cancer and my father to Parkinson’s, two diseases that are still not as understood as they should be.  Like Lewis, I spent a lot of time wishing that I could somehow just see and understand what was causing their illnesses so that I could know how to save them.  Cancer and Parkinson’s and dementia are all monsters that we wish we could just squash under our heel as easily as we could a bug.

In the end, Lewis eats a glowing radioactive isotope so that all of the cancer slugs will be drawn to his body.  Couldn’t he have just used the isotope to lead the slugs out into the middle of the street or something?  Lewis offers up his own life to save his mother.  It reminds me of the old Norm McDonald joke, that dying of cancer is the equivalent of beating cancer because the cancer dies with you.  That’s a good way to look at it.  Cancer never wins.

Horror on TV: One Step Beyond 2.24 “The Mask” (dir by John Newland)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s episode of One Step Beyond, we have The Mask.

In The Mask, a World War II-era fighter pilot crashes in the Sahara.  Though he’s eventually rescued, he’s forced to wear a mask while recovering from his injuries.  When the mask is removed, everyone is shocked to discover that Lt. Harold Wilesnki not only look like an ancient Egyptian prince but he also seems to have the prince’s memories as well!

The Mask originally aired on March 1st, 1960.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.28 “Tony and Julie/Separate Beds/America’s Sweetheart”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, season 4 comes to an end!

Episode 4.28 “Tony and Julie/Separate Beds/America’s Sweetheart”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 16th, 1981)

Wedding bells are in the air!

Carl Mitchell (William Christopher) boards the boat without his wife.  As he explains to Gopher and Isaac, he was married when he booked the cruise but now he’s not married because his wife was too much of a slob.  However, Carl is still determined to take his cruise and enjoy himself.  As soon as Carl goes off to find his cabin, his wife, Lynn (Toni Tennille), boards the ship and tells Gopher and Isaac that she just broke up with her neat freak husband but she’s determined to go ahead and take the cruise that they booked before their break-up.

Carl and Lynn are not happy to discover that they’re both on the cruise and that they’re sharing a cabin.  Carl wants to date a younger woman.  Lynn flirts with Doc Bricker.  Of course, Carl and Lynne are still in love with each other.  Lynn decides to win Carl back by cleaning up the cabin.  Carl decides to win back Lynn by messing the cabin up.  It’s like the most pointless story that O. Henry never wrote.  The important thing is that Carl and Lynn decide to give their marriage another chance.

(Personally, I couldn’t live with someone messy.  And Lynn really does just toss stuff all over the place.  I think they should get a divorce.)

While this is going on, Vicki is super-excited when her favorite actress, Becky Daniels (Alison Angrim), boards the boat.  But Becky is actually a spoiled brat and, when she hires Vicki to serve as her stand-in for a movie that’s being shot on the boat, she goes out of her way to make sure that Vicki is humiliated.  Vicki is briefly disillusioned with Hollywood, until Becky apologizes and she and Vicki become friends.  Okay, then.  Glad that worked out!

Meanwhile, Julie is late arriving at the boat because she’s been busy visiting her aunt (a glowering Nancy Kulp).  She even gets into an argument over a cab with Tony Selkirk (Anthony Andrews), a veterinarian.  Julie wins the argument and the cab but imagine her shock when Tony turns out to be a passenger on the boat!  She’s even more shocked when she sees Tony walking around with two chimpanzees.  Of course, as you’ve probably already guessed, Tony and Julie fall in love.  And Tony asks Julie to marry him.  And Julie says yes!

And that’s where season 4 ends.

Is this the end of Julie’s tenure as cruise director?  I guess we’ll find out next week.  As for this episode, it was pleasant-enough way to end the fourth season.  The stories did not particularly interest me but the Love Boat crew has become a strong enough ensemble that the show is no longer as dependent on its guest stars as it used to be.  This episode, I enjoyed watching the crew more than the passengers.  Seriously, I want to take a cruise now.

Next week, we start season 5!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.14 “Ascension”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week …. it’s Templar time!

Episode 2.14 “Ascension”

(Dir by Jon Cassar, originally aired on February 23rd, 1997)

Mitch and Ryan have been kidnapped!  They find themselves trapped in an underground prison, where their guards all wear suits and a disembodied voice demands answers without first supplying a question.  A beautiful and nameless woman (Alexandra Bokyun Chun) gives a bound Mitch a shot of sodium pentanol, the better to make him tell the truth.  But instead of answering questions, Mitch hallucinates snakes and bears.

What’s going on?  Well, not surprisingly, it’s all Teague’s fault.  In this episode, it is revealed that Teague is a part of an organization that is in conflict with the corrupted, modern version of the Knights Templar.  (*sigh*  Haven’t the Knights Templar suffered enough without being a part of every dumbass conspiracy theory out there?)  Mitch and Ryan have been kidnapped in an effort to bring Teague into the open …. or something.  To be honest, it’s never quite clear what the whole point of the kidnapping is.

The woman with the drugs apparently has a change of heart and helps Mitch and Ryan escape from their cells.  Of course, it turns out that this is all a part of the scheme to reveal Teague’s location.  (Why do conspiracies always have to be so complicated?)  Mitch figures out what’s going on and he and Ryan escape from the woman and try to break out of the prison.  If you’ve ever wanted to spend twenty minutes watching David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon crawl around inside a heating duct, I guess this is the episode for you.

This episode feels rather pointless.  It’s never quite clear what the Templars want and Teague hasn’t really been developed enough as a character for his great friendship with Mitch and Ryan to feel authentic.  One gets the feeling that this episode was written at the last minute and a lot of the action comes across as being filler that was included to disguise the fact that this episode really didn’t have a plot.  Obviously, the show was hoping to turn the Templars into a regular set of villains, much as how The X-Files had those aliens and all the black goo.  But, if the Templars can’t even track down Teague without having to kidnap Mitch and Ryan, how intimidating can they really be?

Watching this episode, I found myself wondering how Mitch can get kidnapped and drugged by a secret organization and then go to work as a lifeguard the next day.  I mean, after everything that Mitch has seen this season, he should be one of those raving lunatics who you see on street corners holding “The End Is Near” signs.  He should be crazier than someone who has looked straight at Cthulhu.  Instead, he’s still the same mellow beach bum that he’s always been.

More power to him, I guess.  That’s the Hoff for you.

Horror on TV: One Step Beyond 2.17 “Earthquake” (dir by John Newland)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s episode of One Step Beyond deals with a bellboy named Gerald Perkins (David Opatoshu).  Gerald keeps telling everyone that there’s going to be an earthquake but no one’s willing to listen to him.  Everyone knows that Gerald is a recovering alcoholic so they assume that he’s just drinking again.  Needless to say, it’s far easier to fire someone than to listen to his insane ramblings, right?

Well, considering that this story takes place in San Francisco in 1906, perhaps they should have listened.

According to host John Newland, this is a true story.  It originally aired on January 12th, 1960!

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.13 “King Arthur in Mr. Roarke’s Court/Shadow Games”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, King Arthur comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 5.13 “King Arthur in Mr. Roarke’s Court/Shadow Games”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on January 23rd, 1982)

Yay!  Tattoo is present in this episode!

Listen, there’s nothing wrong with Wendy Schaal and it’s not her fault that the character of Julie was seriously underdeveloped by the show’s writers.  But I have to admit that I always cheer a little whenever an episode opens with Julie being sent to take care of something elsewhere on the Island.  In this case, Julie is sent to find a home for five adorable kittens while Tattoo and Mr. Roarke deal with this episode’s guests.

Sara Jean Rawlins (Linda Blair) is a country music singer who comes to Fantasy Island with her manager, Sam (the always sinister Peter Mark Richman).  Sara Jean wants to record her song Shadow Games and she wants her former collaborator and boyfriend, Billy, to play guitar on the track.  The only problem is that Billy is believed to have died in a fiery car crash.  Mr. Roarke says that Sara Jean’s fantasy can come true but only if she has total and complete faith.  Plus, she needs to let guitarist Todd Porter (Don Most) play with her.  “It is very important to the success of your fantasy,” Roarke tells her.  Hmmm….I wonder why.

Hey, do you think that maybe Billy isn’t dead and instead, he’s disguised himself as Todd Porter?  That would certainly explain why Todd’s guitar playing sounds just like Billy’s.  And do you think it’s possible that Sam, who is played by an actor who was always cast as a villain no matter what, might turn out to be the story’s true villain?

This fantasy was predictable and Linda Blair overacted the whole “country” aspect of her character but I did like the Shadow Games song.  And Mr. Roarke played the piano at one point!  It’s always fun when Mr. Roarke shows off a new skill.  (Apparently, Montalban himself was a very talented pianist.)

As for the other fantasy, Ralph Rodgers (Tom Smothers) wants to go to the past so he can meet King Arthur.  He specifically says his fantasy is to “meet King Arthur.”  Ralph is briefly sent back to Camelot but, just as abruptly, he returns to the present and he brings Arthur (played by Robert Mandan) with him!  Roarke admits that something must have gone wrong with the time traveling spell but he also points out that Ralph wanted to “meet King Arthur” and now he’s met him.

Now, what do you picture when you think of King Arthur?  Young?  Handsome?  Battle-weary?  Romantic?  British?

Here’s what Fantasy Island gives us.

Now, if you’ve ever seen any old sitcoms from the 70s and the 80s, you’ll probably recognize Robert Mandan.  He was one of those actors who always seemed to play stuffy authority figures.  He was always the overprotective father or the greedy businessman or the principal who wasn’t going to stand for any foolishness in his school.  Robert Mandan was not a bad actor but he was also definitely not British.  But you know what?  Robert Mandan is so miscast as King Arthur that it actually becomes kind of charming.

King Arthur and Ralph wander around the Island while Roarke works on finding a way to send Arthur back to Camelot.  Arthur gets harassed by a group of roughnecks who don’t seem like they really belong on the Island.  (Maybe they work at that fishing village that showed up in one episode and was then never mentioned again.)  Arthur also reveals that his wife, Gwynevere, had vanished.  Ralph eventually goes off on his own and runs into a British woman who says her name is Gwen (Carol Lynley).  She explains she came to the Island because her politician husband was too consumed with work.  Hmmmmm….

The important thing is that

  1. Arthur and Gwen are reunited
  2. Arthur knights Ralph before he and Gwen return to Camelot and,
  3. There’s a masquerade ball and Tattoo dressed up like a knight!

This was a silly but cute episode.  Between Robert Mandan as King Arthur and Linda Blair singing country music, this episode was so weird that it was impossible not to enjoy it.  I just hope Julie found a home for all those kittens.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.16 “Pressure Point”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week’s episode is a change-of-pace as Ponch and Baker get off their motorcycles and go undercover!

Episode 2.16 “Pressure Point”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

The limousine of wealthy industrialist Arthur Forbinger (Rudy Vallee) is ambushed by three cars and a motorcycle.  The motorcyclist shatters both the back and the front driver’s side window and tosses an envelope into the backseat.  Forbinger orders his driver to chase the motorcycle.

Ponch and Baker, enjoying a leisurely patrol through Beverly Hills, spot the limo speeding down the street and they decide to pursue it.  When Forbinger finally tells his driver to pull over, Ponch and Baker demands to know why Forbinger was putting lives at risk.  Forbinger lies and says that he was late to a meeting.  In reality, Forbinger has just opened the envelope and discovered pictures of his granddaughter, Chris (Mary Crosby).  The implication is that whoever broke his window can also get to Chris.

Despite Forbinger’s attempts at deflection, Ponch, Baker, and Cahill soon figure out what actually happened.  Thinking that Forbinger is perhaps being targeted by a private security firm that scares rich people into hiring its guards, Getraer tells Ponch and Baker to get off their motorcycles because they’re going undercover.  Ponch will pretend to be a diplomat from Argentina and Baker will be his driver.

Ponch is overjoyed to at the chance to pretend to be rich.  He’s even happier when he meets Chris.  Oh, that Ponch!

This episode was weird.  It just doesn’t feel right for Ponch and Baker to not be on their motorcycles and the episode spent so much time with Forbinger and Chris that I found myself wondering if it was meant to be some sort of backdoor pilot for a primetime soap opera about the Forbinger family.  Despite featuring quite a few chase scenes and a few dramatic crashes, this didn’t feel like an episode of CHiPs at all.  Is there really a point to the show without the motorcycles?

The other problem with this episode was that the performance of Rudy Vallee …. well, it wasn’t good.  I know that Rudy was a show business veteran when he did this episode and that he had been around for a while but he still gives a rather flat and lifeless performance.  He delivers his lines as if reading them off of a cue card.  (For all I know, he was reading them off of a cue card.)  As for the rest of the guest cast, Mary Crosby is stuck with a nothing role while Guy Stockwell and Tom Troupe are a bit too obviously sinister as the duplicitous security men.

This episode went for a change of pace but it just didn’t work.  Sorry, Highway Patrol.

Horror On TV: One Step Beyond 2.14 “Make Me Not A Witch” (dir by John Newland)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

In tonight’s episode of One Step Beyond, Emmy (Patty McCormack) makes the mistake of telling her parents (Eileen Ryan and Leo Penn) that she can read minds.  Needless to say, the news does not go over as well as Emmy might have hoped.  Her parents have a farm to run!  The last thing they need is a witch in their midst!

Emmy runs to the church and prays, “Make me not a witch!”

But what if the world needs a witch?

As with every episode of One Step Beyond, this episode is supposedly based on fact.  Patty McCormack is best-remembered for her Oscar-nominated performance in The Bad Seed while Eileen Ryan and Leo Penn are best remembered as being the parents of Sean and Chris Penn.

This episode originally aired on December 22nd, 1959.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.3 “Killshot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, another friend of Crockett’s is in trouble!

Episode 3.3 “Killshot”

(Dir by Leon Ichaso, originally aired on October 10th, 1986)

Crockett and Tubbs are working undercover as Burnett and Cooper to take down drug lord Morales (Roger Pretto).  Morales is one of the most powerful drug lords in Miami but he’s still not connected enough to know that Burnett and Cooper are undercover cops.  I know that I bring this up nearly every time I write about this show but it just baffles me that Crockett and Tubbs are somehow still able to maintain their covers despite the fact that those covers have gotten blown in numerous episodes and Crockett makes no effort to act any differently when he’s pretending to be Burnett.  At least Tubbs uses his fake Jamaican accent whenever he’s pretending to be Cooper.  Crockett doesn’t even bother to change his suit before pretending to be Burnett.

That said, they’ve somehow managed to keep Morales from discovering that they’re cops.  So, Morales instead focuses on manipulating a customs agent, Frank Ariolla (Carlos Cestero).  Frank’s brother, Tico (Fernando Allende) is an up-and-coming jai alai player.  (That’s the sport, prominently featured in Miami Vice‘s opening credits, in which the players use a wicker to both catch and launch a ball.)  However, Tico also has a raging cocaine problem.  In fact, the drug often leaves him impotent.  When a prostitute suggests that Tico might not be attracted tp women, Tico goes crazy and blacks out.  When he wakes up, the prostitute appears to be dead and madam Isabel Batista (Maria Duval) says she’ll protect Tico for a price.  Frank has to work as a double agent or Isabel and Morales will send a tape of Tico attacking the prostitute to the police.

(For the record, the prostitute was only pretending to be dead as a part of a plot to frame Tico.  But then Isabel had her killed for real.)

Trying to protect his brother, Frank agrees to work for Morales.  But when a guilt-stricken Tico makes a mistake during a match that leads to him getting killed when he’s stuck in the head by the ja alai ball, will Crockett and Tubbs be able to stop Frank from taking his own violent vengeance on both Morales and Isabel?  As you probably already guessed, this is yet another Miami Vice episode the ends with a freeze frame and an off-screen gunshot as Crockett yells, “No!”

If there’s one thing that has stayed consistent over the first three seasons of Miami Vice, it’s that it does not pay to be a friend of Sonny’s.  From Jimmy Smits getting blown up in the pilot to Ira Stone dying last week to Frank throwing his life away to avenge his brother in this week’s episode, anyone who has ever been close to Crockett seems to end up having terrible luck.  I’m stunned that Tubbs has managed to survive for as long as he has.

As for this episode, Crockett and Tubbs both seemed to be sidelined in favor of the story of Frank and Tico.  It’s always weird when Crockett and Tubbs become supporting characters on their own show.  Carlos Cestero and Maria Duval both gave good performances, which is good because it helps to distract from the fact that Morales is a fairly dull villain and Tico is not a particularly compelling character.  For the most part, this episode works best as a commercial for ja alai, which looks a hundred times more exciting than most sports.  Certainly, its fast action and the constant danger of sudden death makes it the ideal sport for Miami.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.12 “Taking Off: Part Two”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Degrassi goes there again!

Episode 3.12 “Taking Off: Part Two”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on February 20th, 1989)

When last we checked in with the students at Degrassi Junior High, Shane was missing and Wheels, having been sexually assaulted by a man who picked him up while he was hitchhiking, was walking towards Port Hope in search of his biological father.

Shane is discovered underneath a bridge.  As the police tell his friend Luke, it appears that Shane either jumped or he fell.  Shane is alive, but he’s in a coma and there’s no guarantee that he’s going to survive.  When asked whether or not Shane had done any drugs at the Gourmet Scum concert, Luke finally admits that Shane did drop acid right before the show began.

As for Wheels, he manages to make it to Port Hope and he even finds the cheap hotel where his father, Mike (Dave James), is playing with his band.  Wheels imagines knocking on the hotel room door and his father happily greeting him and inviting him to join the band.  Instead, when Wheels knocks on the door, Mike is shocked and not particularly happy to see him.  Though Mike forces Wheels to call his grandmother and let her know that he’s okay, Mike does agree to let Wheels spend the day at the hotel.  Mike then promptly abandons Wheels.

When Mike eventually returns, a few things become obvious.

First off, Mike didn’t even know that Wheels’s adoptive parents had died.

Secondly, Mike doesn’t want anything to do with his biological son.

Third, Mike’s new girlfriend is pregnant and, as she explains it, they can’t afford to have Wheels around.

I mean, goddamn!  Poor Wheels!  First, he gets sexually assaulted while hitchhiking.  Then, his father rejects him.  Wheels, after yelling at his father for abandoning him, is prepared to run away again but suddenly, his grandmother shows up.  She was finally able to convince Joey to tell her where Wheels had run of to and she shows up to take him home.  Wheels is adamant that he’s going to run away again but when his grandmother starts to cry and calls him out for being a “selfish, selfish boy,” Wheels reconsiders.

At the end of the episode, Shane is still in his coma and it’s still up in the air whether he accidentally fell or if he was trying to commit suicide when he plunged from that bridge.  Wheels, however, returns to school and is greeted by Joey and Snake.  Joey apologizes for telling Wheels’s grandmother about Port Hope but Wheels says it’s okay.  He’s ready to give school another try.  Everyone smiles as the end credits roll on a well-acted and classic episode of Degrassi Junior High.

YAY!  It’s a happy ending, as long as you haven’t seen Degrassi: The Next Generation.  If you have seen The Next Generation, you know that Wheels has alcoholism and prison in his future.  And, for that matter, Shane is going to end up spending the rest of his life in an institution.  So, it’s not really that happy of an ending.

But it’s very much a Degrassi ending.