Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.
This week, Jason ruins his life. Or at least, that’s what I assume happened.
Episode 2.7 “The Long Goodbye”
(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on November 20th, 1999)
Here’s the plot of this week’s episode, according to the imdb:
After a successful audition before Alex’s uncle the producer, Jason gets the go-ahead to make a demo recording. He’s surprised to see that the producer sent to work with him is a woman: a young, attractive one. Jason works with Kendall and there seems to be a spark between them. Stads calls from Europe. Jason tells her about the demo but not that the producer is female.
Wow, that sounds great! (If you’re detecting heavy sarcasm, you are indeed a perceptive reader.) Too bad this episode is one of the ones that has not been uploaded to YouTube. Or actually, maybe it’s not that bad that I have an excuse not watch it. I’ve never bought into the whole idea of Jason being this massively talented singer and songwriter. According to Wikipedia, this episode was the last appearance as Stads so I’m going to guess that Jason not mentioning his producer being female led to a break-up. Oh well!
Consider this a placeholder. If this episode ever is uploaded, I’ll review it.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.
This week, we have an episode directed by Tom Noonan and starring Ed Lauter! Come discover what’s eating Malcolm….
Episode 3.13 “Malcolm”
(Dir by Tom Noonan, originally aired on December 23rd, 1990)
When he was younger, Malcolm (Ed Lauter) was a romantic who played the clarinet. Now, he’s just a boring old businessman. When his wife (Carole Shelley) asks him to play the clarinet again, he collapses in pain. Their doctor (Farley Granger) discovers that Malcolm has what appears to be a tumor in his stomach. Of course, the glowing tumor is actually alive. It’s a weird, giant worm that gives Malcolm his musical talent. The worm is removed but now, Malcolm has lost his talent. One night, the worm shows up again….
This was an odd and moody episode, which I guess is not surprising as it was directed by Tom Noonan, a director and actor who specializes in the odd and moody. Moving at its own deliberate pace, the episode benefitted from a good performance from Ed Lauter, a good deal of atmosphere, and some Cronenbergian body horror. The worm was obviously a stand-in for the self-destructive nature of many artists. The worm gives Malcolm his talent but it also has the potential to eat him from the inside. When the worm returns, Malcolm makes his decision and the whole thing plays out like a moody nightmare.
In other words, this was a good episode, one that was willing to be both surreal and a bit grotesque. Tom Noonan and Ed Lauter made for an excellent combination.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, a special two-hour Love Boat sets sail for Alaska and adventure!
Episode 5.22 and 5.23 “Pride of the Pacific/The Viking’s Son/Separate Vacations/The Experiment/Getting to Know You”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, Originally aired on March 6th, 1982)
The Pacific Princess is sailing to Alaska!
The Sea Princess, commanded by the strict and haughty Gunner Nordquist (Ted Knight), is also sailing to Alaska. Steve Bloom (Sonny Bono) of the Cruise Ship Association has arranged for a series competitions between the crews of the two ships. At each stop, the rival crews will compete in races, tree-sawing, tug-of-war, and wrestling. The crew that wins the most competitions will receive a trophy. All of the passengers are really excited about it, though I’m not sure why. I would not want to spend my vacation watching a bunch of strangers take part in a competition that has nothing to do with me.
Gunner is determined to win. Stubing is determined to have fun. Or, at least, he is until his crew is absolutely humiliated during the second competition. When he learns that Gunner has brought in a bunch of ringers, Stubing becomes determined to win at all costs. Only the tears of Vicki can reveal to Stubing that he’s becoming a monster. Stubing realizes that he’s been pushing too hard and he apologizes to his crew. At the final stop, Stubing suggests a dog sled race between him and Gunner. Gunner agrees. Steve Bloom says it’s okay. The crowd is excited for some reason. In the end, Gunner wins the dog sled race and the competition but only because Stubing kindly refuses to take advantage of an accident that occurs during the race. Gunner announces that the trophy properly belongs to Stubing and his crew. Gunner also says that it’s okay if his son (Woody Brown) wants to become a cruise director instead of a navigator. I’m glad that all worked out….
Actually, this whole storyline made no sense to me. Beyond the fact that the passengers were oddly excited about the whole thing, I really didn’t see the point of making the members of the crew compete in stuff like tug-of-war and wrestling. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to compete to see who could be the first to reach the next port? I appreciated that at least some of this episode was shot on location. The Alaskan scenery was lovely but the whole competition storyline was just weird.
There were other storylines, of course. A couple played Charles Nelson Reilly and Charlotte Rae spent the entire cruise in their cabin, getting to know each other because they fell in love at first sight and they wanted to make sure they can handle marriage. (I can think of one big reason why Charlotte Rae marrying Charles Nelson Reilly might not work out but, this being The Love Boat, it never comes up.) Two Harvard researchers (John James and Mary Crosby) tried to come up with a pill that would make shy Dave (Douglas Barr) irresistible to women. Both of those stories were pretty boring. John James was handsome so the show had that going for it.
Slightly more interesting was the story of Harry Meacham (Tom Bosley) and his wife, Dorothy (Michele Lee). As they’re in the process of divorcing, Harry sails on The Sea Princess while Dorothy board the Pacific Princess. Of course, Doc makes his move as soon he realizes the Dorothy will soon be single. While Dorothy has a chaste fling Doc, Harry has a chaste fling with massage therapist Britta (Priscilla Barnes). Eventually, Harry and Dorothy realize they still love each other. Awwww! Yay! This story was sweet.
Otherwise, this was not the most memorable cruise to Alaska that the Love Boat has ever taken. Next week, let’s hope for no musicals and no athletic competitions. Come on, Love Boat, we all know why we’re here!
Today’s scene that I love comes from a 1968 episode of the iconic cop show, Dragnet. A group of hippies want to leave the United States and start their own country. Joe Friday (Jack Webb) and Bill Gannon (Harry Morgan) set them straight!
It’s always kind of easy to laugh a little at these episodes of Dragnet because it’s obvious that Webb had never actually met or dealt with any real hippies. But I don’t know. This episode, entitled The Big Departure, and this speech still feels relevant, even if I doubt it actually changed the mind of anyone planning on starting their own nation.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
A serial arsonist is setting Malibu on fire so, of course, the bike patrol is called in.
Episode 1.11 “The Phoenix”
(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on May 11th, 1996)
Fires are breaking out all over Malibu. Whoever the arsonist is, he seems to be targeting a shady businessman named Curtis Bilson (Michael Cavanaugh). TC and Chris decide to start investigating the arsons themselves, even though neither one of them is in the arson division. “Bike patrol?” the arson detective asks, when he first meets them. However, because everyone respects Lt. Palermo, TC and Chris are allowed to investigate. Chris, being a former jet pilot, is naturally an expert on accelerants. “Smells like jet fuel.” Wow, really?
(Basically, this is the equivalent of allowing a school crossing guard to head up the search for a serial killer.)
A surfer named Suicide (Sam Hennings) insists that he saw the fire being set by The Phoenix, a legendary arsonist who the police consider to be dead. His real name was Willoughby (Tim DeZarn) and the official story is that he got caught in one of his own fires and his body was reduced to ash and that’s why he disappeared without leaving a trace behind. That seems awfully convenient and really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it but, then again, Malibu has their bike patrol investigating a serial arsonist. We’re through the looking glass here.
(Myself, I’m concerned by the fact that no one seems to find it weird that their source is nicknamed “Suicide.” I’m going to guess that’s a surfer thing but still, I cringed every time TC said, “My friend, Suicide….”)
TC and Chris’s investigation leads them to Dr. Anton (Dennis Christopher), an arsonist who is currently in a mental hospital. They try to do a Lecter/Clarice thing between Anton and Chris. Dennis Christopher is a good actor and it appears that he was having fun playing a thoroughly demented character. Jim Davidson and Darlene Vogel were very bad actors and it seems almost unfair to force them to share a scene like Dennis Christopher. It’s like giving me a chance to play tennis on national television and then telling me, right when the cameras start rolling, that I’m going to be playing against the Williams sisters. It’s just adding insult to injury.
Anyway, it turns out Willoughby is still alive and he’s targeting the businessman and he also kidnaps Lt. Palermo for some reason. Chris and TC are able to save Palermo and the crooked guy from the inferno and Willoughby once again vanishes. Because, of course, he does….
Meanwhile, Cory tries to catch a man who keeps bringing a snake to the boardwalk. At one point, she accidentally gets doused in a wet t-shirt contest. She’s win the trophy and then come back to the station without bothering to change shirts, which kind of goes against everything we’ve seen about Cory’s personality up until this point. For some reason, Palermo also puts Cory in charge of catch a mouse that’s running around the station. The snake, once captured, eats the mouse but then gets lost in the station. That made me laugh just because I like it whenever its acknowledged that the bike patrol is totally incompetent.
Next week …. Chris has a new boyfriend! Dr. Anton, maybe? We’ll find out!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
And now, it’s time for …. wait? What? *sigh* Okay.
Episode 6.10 “Operation Breakout/Candy Kisses”
(Dir by George W. Brooks, originally aired on January 15th, 1983)
My fantasy would be to be able to review this episode.
Ever since Fantasy Island was yanked down on all the streaming sites, I’ve been watching the show off of my DVR. A few years ago, I recorded nearly every episode off of one of the retro stations. (Sadly, the station also appears to no longer be broadcasting the show.) Unfortunately, nearly is not all and this is one of the episodes that I did not record. So, obviously, I can’t review it.
I can talk a little bit about it because I did watch this episode a few years ago. When I read the plot description on the imdb — Wheelchair-bound Kentucky racehorse breeder Rowena Haversham wants one last chance to win a race; and self-professed failure Danny Clements of Boston wants to turn his life around by breaking an American agent out of a tough foreign prison. — a bit of it came back to me. I remembered that Rowena (Ann Turkel) was given what she thought was a magic riding crop but that, at the end of the episode, Roarke revealed that the only magic was Rowena’s belief in herself. I think Rowena was transformed into a younger version of herself and she befriended a young rider played by Jill Whelan and ended up falling in love with Whelan’s father, who played by John Beck and not Gavin MacLeod. And I remember that Ben Murphy played the guy who entered the prison to save the American spy but it turned out that the prison was run totally by women and the spy was having the time of his life. I remember bits and pieces but it’s been a few years and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable even trying to tell you whether or not the episode worked.
So, consider this to be a placeholder. If I ever find Fantasy Island streaming somewhere or if someone is kind enough to reupload the show to YouTube, I’ll come back and review this episode.
Until then, my fantasy is for an official home video release of the entire series as opposed to just the first few seasons. Seriously, this is a fun show and one that still has a lot of fans. Yanking it off of Tubi to make room for the Fox reboot that only lasted for two seasons really doesn’t make a bit of sense.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
Things get weird in California.
Episode 3.14 “Wheeling”
(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)
This is one of those weird episodes where Ponch and Jon just keep running into the same people over and over again.
Artie (Paul Gale), Don (Ray Vittie), and Alan (Ron Lombard) are all in wheelchairs but they’re not going to let that stop them from enjoying life and, far more dangerously, playing tag while driving on the highway. Artie’s van taps Alan’s car. Alan taps Don’s car. Don tries to tap Artie’s van. It’s dangerous and Ponch and Jon, when they see it, promptly pull the three men over. Ponch is impressed with Artie’s joie d’vivre. As usual, Baker is less impresses and is like, “You — of all people! — should understand the danger!” (I swear, poor Larry Wilcox. While Erik Estrada got to smile through each episode, it always fell on Wilcox to be the killjoy.)
That said, both Jon and Ponch came to admire Artie and his determination to make sure that all of his wheelchair-bound friends get the most out of life. They even help Artie present a fancy new wheelchair to Brent (David Gilliam), a surfer who has not been able to bring himself to leave the hospital ever since he learned that he will never walk again.
Artie and the gang help out Jon and Ponch as well. Jon and Ponch are searching for a blue car that was involved in a street race that left one teenager with a broken leg. The teenager’s father, Harry (Taylor Lacher), has been speeding up and down the freeway, searching for the car. Harry even made a citizens arrest, though Delgado (Fil Formicola) had an alibi for the time that Harry’s son was injured. While Delgado makes plans to sue Harry for false arrest. Artie happens to spot the blue car that Jon and Ponch are looking for. Way to go, Artie!
But then, after all of this, Artie and his friends decide to race on Harry’s street. Harry goes crazy. He jumps in his car and takes off after Artie’s van, not realizing that Artie was the one who helped the police catch the guy who hit Harry’s son. It leads to a huge accident at a construction site. The van flips over. Harry’s car flips over. Harry breaks his leg. Artie’s breaks both of his arms. The judge sentences Harry to serve as Artie’s manservant until Artie’s arms heal. Everyone has a good laugh, including Harry.
What a weird episode! I mean, its heart was definitely in the right place. The whole point of the episode was that Artie and his friends were just as capable as anyone who could walk. That’s a good message. But, then, out of nowhere, Artie is suddenly involved in a street race and Harry is trying to crash into his van. And then, at the end of it, everyone finds it all to be terrifically amusing. And somehow, Ponch and Jon manage to be at the scene of every incident involved Harry, Artie, and Artie’s friends. Like, seriously, what are the odds? There are other highway patrolmen in California.
Again, a strange episode. As always, the scenery was nice. It’s always fun to see what the world looked like in 1979. And I appreciated that this episode made a strong case for people not taking it upon themselves to make a citizens arrest because, seriously, people who do that tend to be so obnoxious.
Anyway, I enjoyed it. It was just weird enough to be fun. Drive safely out there!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
This week, it’s Reb Brown vs Don Johnson!
Episode 3.22 “Viking Bikers From Hell”
(Dir by James Quinn, originally aired on April 3rd, 1987)
Biker Reb Gustafson (Reb Brown) has been released in prison, just in time to seek vengeance for the death of his mentor, The Wire. The Wire was killed in a drug deal gone bad so Reb decides to just track down every dealer that The Wire did business with during the final two weeks of his life and kill every one of them. Working with Lascoe (John Matuszak) and Toad (Sonny Landham), Reb cuts a trail of terror through Miami’s underground. Soon, there’s only one name left on the list …. SONNY BURNETT!
At this point, of course, everyone in Miami should know that Sonny Burnett is actually Sonny Crockett. I’ve lost track of how many time Crockett and Tubbs have gotten their undercover identities blown. Usually, the people who figure out that Sonny and Rico are undercover end up dying almost immediately afterwards. But a few of their enemies have survived and it’s odd that they never seem to bother to tell anyone, “Hey, those guys are actually cops.”
This episode of Miami Vice is violent that it verges on self-parody. (I guess that’s to be expected as the script was written by the great John Milius, Milius was credited as “Walter Kurtz.”) Reb Brown is an amusing actor. He never showed much emotion but he always looked believable whenever he was relentlessly tracking down someone that he wanted to kill. Brown is both this episode’s greatest strength and its greatest weakness. As played Brown, Reb Gustasfson barely flinches when he gets shot. He’s a relentless killing machine, the terminator on a motorcycle. That does certainly make him an intimidating figure. At the same time, this episode also features Reb Brown doing his signature yelling and, for me, it was hard to watch this episode without thinking about all the close-up, high-pitched screaming that he did in Space Mutiny.
Tubbs ends up in the hospital in this one. An attack by Reb and his biker pals leaves Tubbs with a concussion. Crockett visits the hospital and there’s a scene where he attempts to have a conversation with a heavily drugged Tubbs. Tubbs’s comments make about as much sense as the last words of Dutch Schultz but it’s still kind of nice to see that Crockett actually does care about his partner. The two of them haven’t always seemed particularly happy with having to work together over the course of the third season.
Biker fans will also be happy to note that Kim Coates has a small role in this one. Crockett and Tubbs beat him up in a biker bar while demanding information about Reb. The odd thing here is that Crockett and Tubbs go into the biker bar and make no attempt to hide the fact that they’re actually cops. And all of the bikers in the bar seem to already know that they’re cops. Seriously, were Crockett and Tubbs the two worst undercover cops in history?
This was an enjoyably over-the-top episode. It was a bit silly but, when it comes to Reb Brown, would you want it any other way?
Our regularly scheduled review of Friday the 13th: The Series will not be posted tonight so that we might bring you this special presentation….
My retro television reviews will return next week. For tonight, check out 1984’s Contact For Life, an earnest and actually pretty well-acted short film about teenagers and drunk and driving. Yes, that is William Zabka in the thumbnail below. I imagine that Zabka is the main reason most people would watch this film today. He plays a slightly nicer version of Johnny Lawrence in this film. Be careful about getting too attached to him.
The film also features a hockey practice where everyone apparently practices getting hurt by deliberately falling on the ice and then slamming against a wall. Ouch! That game will never make sense to me. (Sorry, Leonard.)
TSL’s review of Highway to Heaven will not be posted tonight so that we may bring you this special presentation….
My retro television reviews will return next week but until then, enjoy this blast from the past. 1973’s Rookie of the Year stars 11 year-old Jodie Foster as Sharon Lee, who causes some controversy when she joins her brother’s little league team. I picked out this program specifically for my sister, Erin, who loves baseball the way that I love movies!
It’s strange to think, while watching this, that Jodie Foster was just three years away from creating even more controversy with her Oscar-nominated role in Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver.
Through the Shattered Lens 