Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs finally get their revenge on Calderone!

Episode 1.6 “Calderone’s Return Part 2: Calderone’s Demise”

(Dir by Paul Michael Glaser, originally aired on October 26th, 1984)

This episode of Miami Vice opens with Crockett and Tubbs interrogating an associate of the hitman who Calderone (Miguel Pinero) sent to kill Sonny during the previous episode.  Crockett and Tubbs yell at the man and basically threatened to beat the crap out of him unless he tells them where Calderone is hiding in the Bahamas.  They eventually get the information that they want but it’s hard not to compare their methods to the methods that the “bad” cops previously used to get a false confession from the Haitians in episode 4.

Of course, in this case, it’s personal for Crockett and Tubbs.  Calderone killed Tubbs’s brother.  Calderone’s assassin killed Lt. Rodriguez and nearly killed Sonny’s wife and son.  And besides, how could any viewer spend too much time worrying about the ethics of how they got their information when it leads to an extended sequence of Crockett and Tubbs stoically standing in one of Crockett’s speed boats as they race across the ocean to the Bahamas?

Miami Vice has often been described as being the ultimate example of style over substance and, while I think that’s an oversimplification because Miami Vice definitely had something to say about greed and the war on drugs, it is true that this episode proves just how many illogical plot developments an audience is willing to accept as long as the story is told with a certain amount of visual fliar.

Because, seriously, at no point does Crockett and Tubbs’s plan make any sense.

Basically, Crockett and Tubbs are planning to work undercover on the island so that they can get close to Calderone.  Here’s the thing, though — Calderone has seen both Crockett and Tubbs so it’s not like he’s not going to recognize them if he spots them.  (Calderone even sent a hitman to kill Crockett.)  As well, since neither Calderone nor anyone in his entourage actually met the hitman, Crockett is planning on pretending to be the hitman and demanding more money for his services.  However, the hitman is from Argentina and there’s absolutely nothing about Don Johnson (or Sonny Crockett) that suggests that he could be from anywhere in South America.  Finally, one has to be willing to accept that Calderone no longer has any contacts in Miami who could call him up and say, “Hey, your hitman’s dead and Sonny Crockett  is still alive.”

Tubbs, meanwhile, pretends to be an art gallery owner so he can approach Angelina (Phanie Napoli), the artist who he believes to be Calderone’s mistress.  It’s not until after Tubbs has slept with her that he discovers that she is actually Calderone’s daughter and she believes her father to be a legitimate businessman.  Despite having known her for only a day, Tubbs tells Crockett that he’s falling in love with her.

By that point, Calderone has already figured out that Sonny and Tubbs are on the island and they’ve already been through one exciting car chase.  Logic would suggest that Sonny and Tubbs should now leave the island but, instead, they decide to put on masks so that they can attend the carnival.  The masks, however, don’t do fool anyone as they’re both grabbed by Calderone’s men and taken to Calderone’s mansion where Calderone ends up getting gunned down while Angelina screams, “NOOOOOO!”  Needless to say, that’s pretty much the end of Angelina’s romance with Tubbs.

As I said, the plot doesn’t always make much sense.  The whole storyline is dependent on Tubbs, Crockett, and Calderone almost always choosing to make the most illogical choices.  Calderone could have easily killed Tubbs and Crockett at the carnival but, for some reason, he brought them to his home.  Tubbs and Crockett could have arrested Calderone for jumping bail and taken him back to Miami but, instead, they came up with an undercover plan that was doomed to failure.  It makes no sense but it’s so stylish that it doesn’t matter.  The slow motion shootouts, the car chases, the masks, the beautiful island scenery, the spacey comedic relief provided by Sam McMurray in the role of a stoned resort manager, all of that comes together so nicely that the plot ultimately doesn’t matter.  It’s pure style and both Johnson and Thomas are so charismatic as Crockett and Tubbs that they’re a pleasure to watch even when they’re doing stupid things.

Next week: Edward James Olmos arrives at Vice.