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Late Night Retro Television Review: Check it Out! 2.1 “Getting To Know You”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Today, we start a new season of Check It Out!

Episode 2.1 “Getting to Know You”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on October 3rd, 1986)

The second season of Check It Out! opens with some changes at Cobb’s Grocery store.

Howard now has a mustache.  Tonya Williams and Henry Beckman are no longer listed in the opening credits so I guess Jennifer and Alf have moved on from working at the store.  Gordon Clapp, however, is now listed in the opening credits so Viker, who was one of more consistently funny characters during the first season, is now a series regular.

The episode opens with zero customers in the store.  Due to a broken waterline, the store’s parking lot has been taken over by a bunch of construction workers.  Howard calls them “apes.”  Marlene is sick of them hitting on her whenever she comes to work.  Christian thinks he could take them on.  And Mrs. Cobb is demanding that Howard lay off two employees to help offset costs.

Howard could always point out that, with Jennifer and Alf gone, the store now only has seven employees but he doesn’t.  Instead, he follows Edna’s advice and sits down for one-and-one interviews with his employees and gets to know them.  Howard thinks that he’ll be able to find an employee who doesn’t really need the job but instead, he discovers that all of his employees are wonderful people.  Marlene cries about how difficult her life has been lately.  Murray talks about how both of his parents are out of work.  Leslie volunteers to give up his job and Howard is so touched that there’s no way he can possibly accept Leslie’s offer.  Jack Christian, who is usually pretty self-centered and obnoxious, seems like an easy choice but then he gets beaten up defending Marlene from the construction workers.

Finally, Howard realizes that there’s only one thing he can do.  He lays off Edna and then he lays himself off.  He announces that he and Edna are going on vacation and they’ll be back in four months.  Ummm …. look, I’ll be honest.  I’ve never been through the experience of being fired or laid off so I don’t really fully understand how it all works.  Isn’t Howard kind of taking a risk here?  I mean, I guess Howard is assuming that Christian will just fill in for four months and then Howard and Edna will return and everything will go back to normal.  But what if Mrs. Cobb hires a new manager?  What if she doesn’t want to take back Howard and Edna?  I mean, to me, it sounds like Howard basically just quit his job and forced Edna to quit her’s as well.  But everyone in the store seems to be convinced that Howard will be back in just a few months.

I guess my point is that Check it Out! doesn’t seem like it was always 100% realistic.

Anyway, this episode was okay.  It reintroduced all the characters and gave us a chance to get reacquainted with them, as any season premiere should.  Gordon Clapp, Jeff Pustil, and Kathleen Laskey all had moments that made me smile.  Those three have the ability to make even the simplest of lines funny.  During the first season, Don Adams could occasionally be a bit overly frantic as Howard.  For the second season premiere, though, his performance felt a bit toned down and it no longer felt as if he and the show were begging for laughs.  Still, I just can’t get over that ending.  Edna was so excited that her boyfriend essentially put her future employment at risk.

Next week, we’ll see if Howard still has a job.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 3/31/24 — 4/6/24

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s a few thoughts on what I watched this week.  (Most of this week was taken up with movies as opposed to television.)

Dirty Pair Flash (YouTube)

Yuri and Kei tried to capture a notorious con artist but instead ended up getting stranded in the middle of the wilderness with him.  This is the first episode of Dirty Pair Flash where I’ve actually been able to follow the plot and I have to admit it was pretty amusing.  I relate to Yuri.  We have a similar attitude towards life and I appreciated her efforts to stay positive.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Dr. Phil talked to a cheating husband and the wife who got revenge by having an affair of her own.  Phil seemed fairly annoyed with both of them and I really can’t blame him.

Geraldo (YouTube)

In an episode from the late 80s, Geraldo Rivera talked to teenagers on death row, all of whom claimed to be former Satanists.  I didn’t believe a word of it.  One of the teens that Geraldo talked to ended up going to Oklahoma’s gas chambers ten years later so I guess the whole Satanism scam didn’t work for him.  Myself, I’m just wondering how long Geraldo Rivera has been around.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (Hulu)

Heh heh, the bowling episode.  Dee finally knocked over a pin, just to discover that everyone had already left to go find something better to do.  I laughed.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

This week, via Peacock, I got caught up on the last three episodes of Law & Order.  They were, as is typical of this show, uneven. The first episode that I watched dealt with a shooting at a hospital and it was well-done.  The second episode was yet another one about a murdered millionaire and a dominatrix and it was enjoyably trashy.  The third episode was a take on the death of Jordan Neely and it felt a bit like Leftist fanfic, straight down to portraying the Daniel Penny stand-in as being a secret white supremacist.

I continue to enjoy Reid Scott’s performance as the newest cop.  Tony Goldwyn has now taken over as District Attorney and I guess he’ll be okay, though it’s going to be difficult to replace Sam Waterston.  Neither Price nor Maroun seem like they were worth Jack resigning to protect.

Night Court (Peacock)

I finished up Night Court’s second season this week.  I’m not really sure why I felt the need to watch the remaining episodes, because I laughed even less while watching the second season than I did while watching the first season.  I think the main problem with this show is that there’s really no room for the characters to develop.  Abby will always have to be impossibly naive or the show will have to totally change direction.  Dan will always have to be a cynic or the show won’t work.  The supporting characters all have to be one-dimensional or the show will be thrown off-balance.  It’s just not a very good show, despite the best efforts of Melissa Rauch and John Larroquette.

Watched and reviewed elsewhere:

  1. Baywatch Nights
  2. Beane’s of Boston
  3. Check it Out — The review will be dropping in about 90 minutes
  4. CHiPs
  5. Degrassi Junior High — The review will be dropping tomorrow
  6. Fantasy Island
  7. Friday the 13th: The Series
  8. Highway to Heaven
  9. The Love Boat
  10. Miami Vice
  11. Monsters
  12. T and T
  13. Welcome Back Kotter

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.16 “Sweatwork”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Arnold Horshack becomes the mad prophet of the air waves.

Episode 3.16 “Sweatwork”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on December 22nd, 1977)

At the new apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Herman.  “He’s a sports mechanic,” Gabe explains, “He fixes basketball games.”

Hey, that’s illegal!

Meanwhile, at the school, Woodman asks to meet with Freddie.  Freddie agrees, even though Woodman has been acting strangely.  Woodman enters the classroom and immediately asks for a high five, holding up his hand and saying, “Right on, bro.  Skin me.”

Woodman is excited because the school board is giving money to every high school to start a radio station.  And the station that gets the highest ratings will receive a trophy.  Buchanan High has never won a trophy before.  Because Freddie has radio experience, Woodman want Freddie to be in charge of Buchanan’s station.  Freddie agrees.

“That’s groovy!” Woodman says.

Juan Epstein and Darth Vader at the station

Freddie makes Epstein the consumer repairs reporter while giving Horshack the lead anchor role.  (Vinnie is also said to be a reporter but John Travolta is never actually seen in this episode.)  Unfortunately, Horshack turns out to be ratings poison.

“He reminds me of Tokyo Rose,” Woodman says, while listening to Horshack.  “Bye bye, young G.I.”

Freddie follows Woodman’s orders and fires Horshack but he does agree to allow Horshack one more broadcast to say goodbye.  Grabbing the microphone, Horshack asks his listeners to go to their windows and shout, “I’m fed up, Arnold …. AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!”

Suddenly, Horshack is ratings gold.  He’s the mad prophet of the air waves.  He has fans who hang on his every word.  But when Horshack announces that the teachers should not be given a raise, he is invited to the Kotter apartment.  Gabe tells Horshack that he has meddled in the primal forces of nature and “YOU WILL ATONE!”

Horshack drops his anti-teacher rhetoric and goes back to being a normal, boring broadcaster.  His ratings crash.  Woodman vengefully announces that Horshack will be kept after school.

“This has been the story of Arnold Horshack,” Gabe says, “the only man kept after school for bad ratings.”

The episode ends with Gabe telling Woodman about how his Uncle Simon was buried in a rented tux and his father has to pay $15 a month as a result.  Woodman finds the joke to be hilarious and laughs so much that even Gabe starts to get nervous.

This episode, which you’ve already guessed was a parody of Network, had its moments.  Gabe is barely in this sone but I did enjoy his take on Ned Beatty’s famous monologue.  And any episode that features a lot of Woodman is going to be enjoyable because John Sylvester White was always delightfully unhinged in the role.  In the end, how one reacts to this episode will depend on how much tolerance one has for Ron Pallilo’s performance as Arnold Horshack.  By the time the third season came around, Pallilo’s performance in the role had gone from eccentric to cartoonish and a little of Horshack tended to be a lot.  Personally, I think Epstein should have been this episode’s Howard Beale.  That said, I chuckled quite a bit while watching this episode.  It was certainly better than the radio station episodes of Saved By The Bell.

Next week, Gabe freaks out when the Sweathogs are taught by a computer!  A.I. has been around a lot longer than I thought.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.24 “Pipe Dreams”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Ryan discovers that Uncle Louis’s latest victim is his own father!

Episode 1.24 “Pipe Dreams”

(Dir by Zale Dalen, originally aired on July 11th, 1988)

Ryan has been invited to the wedding of Connie (Marion Gilsenan) and Ray Dallion (Michael Constantine).  Ray is Ryan’s estranged father.  As Ryan explains it to Micki, this is only the latest of Ray’s many marriages.  Ray has spent his entire life trying to get rich and he often neglected his son while pursuing his dream.  Ray will do anything to get rich.  Ryan feels that there are more important things than money, like tracking down cursed antiques.  Ryan decides to go the wedding but he brings his cousin Micki along with him for moral support.  I mean, considering that Micki has just lost two potential husbands in a row, why wouldn’t she want to attend a wedding?

As the result of inventing a new type of gun, Ray has come into money.  Ryan is horrified that his father would get rich off of weaponry but Ray explains that he was inspired by Uncle Louis.  If Louis could get rich just by running a rinky dink antique store, why can’t Ray get rich from his inventions?  Ryan explains that Uncle Louis got rich by selling cursed antiques and selling his soul to the Devil and now, Ryan and Micki spend all of their time traveling around the country (which is totally Canada, regardless of what the show occasionally claims) and trying to undo Louis’s evil.  Ray doesn’t seem to be particularly surprised by any of this.

Ray has an antique of his own, a pipe that Louis gave to him.  Whenever Ray smokes the pipe, it produces an orange smoke that disintegrates anyone that it surrounds.  You know that gun that Ray invented?  Well, it turns out that he didn’t actually invent it.  Instead, he stole it after using his magic pipe to kill the original inventor.  When Jack shows up for the wedding and informs Ryan of all of this, Ryan cannot believe it.  He may be estranged from his father but Ryan can’t accept that he’s turned evil.  But, as we all know from previous episodes, using the cursed antiques is like getting hooked on drugs.  Once you use it once, you become addicted to using it again and again.

This is yet another episode of Friday the 13th that ends with a freeze frame of someone sobbing.  In this case, it’s Ryan crying.  As easy as it id to poke fun at how often Ryan and Micki end up either sobbing or staring at the camera with a forlorn look on their face, it’s actually a sign of the show’s intelligence that it realizes and acknowledges that dealing with cursed antiques is going to take a mental and emotional toll on someone.  Both Ryan and Micki has lost a lot of people this season.  In this episode, Ryan loses his father and, due to the performances of John D. LeMay and Michael Constantine, it definitely carries an emotional punch.  Like so many of the “villains” on this show, Ray was not inherently evil.  Instead, he was a man who lost his soul due to Louis’s evil deal with the Devil.  The best episodes of Friday the 13th are tragedies and that’s certainly the case with this episode.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.3 “Halfway to Nowhere”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Terri and Turner take down the loathsome head of a halfway house.

Episode 3.3 “Halfway to Nowhere”

(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired January 20th, 1990)

Roman (Louis Ferreira) is an angry young man who is on parole and who has been living at a halfway house that is run by Eddy (Danny Pawlick).  When Roman discovers that Eddy has been harassing Roman’s girlfriend, Sissy (Krista Bridges), Roman attacks Eddy.  Eddy kicks Roman out of the halfway house and attempts to have him sent back to prison.

Terri just happens to be in the police station when Roman is brought in and, just like Amy used to do before her mysterious disappearance, Terri declares herself to be Roman’s attorney.  (One gets the feeling that the show’s producers just crossed out Amy’s name on a bunch of scripts and wrote in “Terri.”)  Roman turns out to be a terrible client who refuses to talk to anyone, including the attorney who is trying to keep him out of jail.  Terri finally calls up T.S. Turner and asks him for help.

Turner’s reaction is to growl about how late it is.

Seriously, what’s going on with Turner this season?  He’s in an even worse mood than usual.  Maybe he’s mad because Amy has mysteriously vanished without explanation.  After all, Turner owed Amy.  Amy was the one who got him out of prison.  It made sense that Turner would always be willing to drop everything to help out Amy.  Terri is just some random lawyer who has shown up out of nowhere.

Terri, it should be said, is not a very good lawyer.  At the parole hearing, she puts Eddy on the stand and asks him a bunch of questions, despite not having a clue as to how Eddy is going to respond.  She also dramatically announces that she will be calling Sissy as a witness before she knows whether or not Sissy has agreed to testify.  When Turner steps into the courtroom without Sissy and shakes his head because Sissy refuses to testify, Terri is forced to walk back her words.  I doubt that parole board appreciated that and they probably took their frustration out on Terri’s client.

In the end, Sissy does agree to wear a wire and Eddy stupidly talks about all the crimes that he’s committed as the head of a halfway house.  Eddy ends up getting arrested and Sissy and Roman are reunited briefly.  That said, it appears that Roman is still going to go back to jail because Terri is a terrible attorney.

On the plus side, this episode featured one of the most loathsome villains to ever show up on T&T and it was satisfying to watch Terri and Turner take him down.  On the other hand, it would have been even more satisfying if Terri wasn’t terrible at her job and if Turner didn’t seem to be annoyed by even having to be in her presence.  This episode was a mixed bag but at least it looked like Eddy was going away for a long time.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.4 “Cindy”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark travel to Hollywood …. again.

Episode 2.4 “Cindy”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 23rd, 1985)

Vincent DeGeralimo (Bill Macy) is a fast-talking, good-hearted talent agent who is still trying to sell acts that were out-of-style during Vaudeville.  He wants to get a booking for a lion tamer but Jonathan appears to him and says that Vincent’s main concern should be helping out his daughter.

Cindy DeGeralimo (Hallie Todd) is an aspiring actress who is currently working as a waitress in a diner.  Her evil boss (Alice Ghostley) has three untalented daughters who all want to be actresses as well.  Cindy’s newest coworker, Mark Gordon, just wants to meet a movie star.

Pretending to work in the mailroom of a major Hollywood studio, Jonathan convinces producer Maxim Prince (Kip Gilman) that the best way to find a star for his new picture would be to hold a ball and invite every aspiring actress in town to attend.

Can you see where this is going?  Yep, it’s a remake of Cinderella, except this time Cinderella has a pushy father who keeps trying to change her before she goes to the ball.  Cindy finally gets fed up and says that she wants to be a star but she also doesn’t want to be some sort of Hollywood phony.  Vincent accepts Cindy’s feelings and everything works out in the end.

Usually, I’m pretty lenient when it comes to reviewing this show but this episode just annoyed me.  Even by the standards of Highway to Heaven, it was overly sentimental and heavy-handed.  Bill Macy gave such a frantic performance as Vincent that it was hard to watch him.  As well, Mark was so excited about being in Hollywood that I found myself wondering if he forgot about all the time he spent in Hollywood during the first season.

Indeed, this is not the first episode of Highway to Heaven to feature Jonathan dealing with the entertainment industry and I imagine it won’t be the last.  Considering how much control Michael Landon had over this show, I always get the feeling that the Hollywood episodes were personal for him, especially as they always seemed to deal with parents regretting the fact that they put work ahead of their families.  That said, the portrayal of Hollywood in this episode was so old-fashioned and idealized that I get the feeling that it was Landon’s way of showing what he wished Hollywood was like as opposed to what it actually was.  Landon’s Hollywood is a town where anyone can be a star and anyone can find a happiness.

As for this episode, it was a bit too corny for its own good.  Next week, though, Jonathan battles the Devil for Mark’s soul!  That should be fun.

Retro Television Review: Beane’s of Boston 1.1 “German Week”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Beane’s of Boston, which aired on CBS in 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we take a look at an attempt to bring a British show to America.

Episode 1.1 “German Week”

(Dir by Jerry Paris, originally aired on May 5th, 1979)

Beane’s of Boston is a venerable department store, a landmark of Boston.  The store is housed in a multi-story building and it is run by the elderly but still horny Frank Beane (Tom Poston).  Frank takes a break from ogling his secretary and sneaking off to the strip club to demand this his nephew, Franklin Beane (George O’Hanlon, Jr.), explain why the 4th floor — which houses the Men and Ladies’ Wear Department — is losing money.

Franklin admits that sales have been off but he has a plan.  What if the store only sold German products for a week?  And what if the employees dressed in lederhosen and did German dances?

The 4th floor employees are not particularly enthused.  The head of Ladies’ Wear, Mrs. Slocum (Charlotte Rae), served as a WAC during World War II and once found herself with a German soldier on top of her after a landmine went off.  Mr. Peacock (John Hillerman), the stuffy floor manager, feels that he looks like an idiot dressed in a German outfit.  Meanwhile, in the Men’s Department, elderly Mr. Granger (Morgan Farley) sleeps while the flamboyant Mr. Humphries (Alan Sues) answers the phone in his most “masculine” voice and Mr. Lucas (Larry Bishop) hits on the just-hired administrative assistant, Ms. Brahms (Lorna Patterson).

German week is a disaster, bringing in a profit of $12.94.  But, fortunately, old Frank Beane is dating a German woman and she loves the idea.  So, no one loses their job….

If this sounds familiar and if you’re reading this in America, you’ve probably seen an episode of the infamously terrible British sitcom Are You Being Served? on PBS.  Beane’s of Boston was an attempt to do an American version of that sitcom and, just as The Office would do decades later, the pilot essentially took a script from the British series and populated it with American actors.

Setting aside the question of whether or not the world needed more than one version of Are You Being Served?, the idea of transporting that very British sitcom to Boston was not, in itself, a terrible one.  Boston is one of our oldest cities and, while it may be best-known today for its robust blue collar culture, there were still enough stuffy Protestants around to make it believable that a store like Beane’s could survive.  That said, the pilot still falls flat, largely because everyone but John Hillerman seems to be miscast and even Mr. Peacock is considerably less amusing once you take away his title of colonel.  While the British original was known for its broad comedy, it appears like a model of subtlety when compared to the performances of Alan Sues as Mr. Humphries and Larry Bishop as Mr. Lucas.  As well, why would any store do a German week in a city that is best-known for its strong Irish community?  Why not do an Irish Week?  It perhaps made sense in Are You Being Served? but, in Beane’s of Boston, it just makes Franklin seem like such an idiot that you almost feel like he deserves to lose his job.

Beane’s of Boston did not have the same success as Are You Being Served?  German Week would be the only episode aired.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.2 “Portrait of the Artist”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, a visit to an art gallery goes terribly wrong.

Episode 2.2 “Portrait of the Artist”

(Dir by Gerald Cotts, originally aired on October 8th, 1989)

Lucille Clay (Lucille Kennedy) visits an isolated art gallery that appears to be sitting in the middle of nowhere.  The studio is full of macabre paintings of women and children who appear to be in some sort of mortal danger.  Watching over the gallery is Hubert (Darren McGavin), who claims to be just an old farmer who was hired to look after things while the actual artist is in Nepal.

Accompanying Lucille is Roger Darcy (Beeson Carroll), a man who walks with a pronounced limp.  Lucille claims that Roger is an art critic but, as soon becomes apparent, that’s a lie.  Roger is actually the father of a missing teenage girl and he is stunned when he sees that one of the paintings looks just like her.  In fact, all of the paintings appear to be of someone who has recently disappeared.  Convinced that the artist is a serial killer, Roger demands to be taken to the artist’s cabin.  What Roger doesn’t know is that the gallery hides an even bigger threat.

This episode ends with a twist.  It’s not a bad twist and it actually took me by surprise.  Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is not as good as the twist ending.  I had high hopes when I saw that this episode was going to take place in a gallery and that it was going to star Darren McGavin.  But, and it pains me to say this, McGavin just isn’t very good in this episode.  McGavin was an actor who always had a tendency to go a little bit over the top.  That wasn’t a problem when he was playing Kolchak or the father in A Christmas Story.  But, in this episode, he’s so blustery that it’s obvious that he’s hiding something from the start and it makes Roger and Lucille seem all the dumber for trusting him.

Indeed, the other big problem with this episode is that Roger and Lucille continually do the stupidest things possible.  None of their actions make sense.  Why, if they believed a serial killer was lurking around the gallery, would they split up?  Why would they be so quick to trust Hubert?  Why, after escaping, would one of them then return without any backup?  Why does neither one of them seem to be particularly upset about the possibility that either Hubert or the artist murdered Roger’s daughter and then used her for his painting?  They both behave so stupidly that it’s hard to really care what happens to them.

This story had some potential but, unfortunately, the execution just didn’t live up to it.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out of This World”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is all about adultery and aliens!

Episode 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out Of This World”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 13th, 1980)

When Donna Dayton (Pamela Sue Martin) boards the boat, Julie immediately notices her wedding ring and asks if Mr. Dayton will be following her.  Donna explains that she’s not married.  She just wears the ring to keep sleazy men from hitting on her.

Julie is shocked.  What if Donna meets someone on the boat!?

Donna says that she has no intention of meeting anyone.

Can you guess what happens next?

Donna meets Scott Hanson (Barry Van Dyke) and it’s love at …. well, not quite first sight.  In fact, Donna is weary of Scott because Scott is on the cruise with his oafish best friend, Lance (Guich Koock, who has a great name if nothing else).  When Lance tries to hit on Donna, Donna shoots him down.  When Scott apologizes to Donna, it leads to them dancing together and then later spending a day in Mexico.  Scott repeatedly says that their relationship cannot continue once the cruise is over.  Even after Scott spends the night in Donna’s cabin (which was kind of a rare occurrence on this show because The Love Boat was usually a surprisingly chaste show), Scott says that he can’t be with Donna.

Finally realizing that she’s still wearing her fake wedding ring, Donna tells Scott, “I’m not married!”

“But I am,” Scott replies.

DAMN!  When did The Love Boat get so dramatic?  When the ship returns to Los Angeles, Donna gives her wedding ring to Julie and announces that the next time she wears a ring, it’ll be because she’s married.

Wow, that was depressing.  Fortunately, the other two stories are a bit less serious.

For instance, Captain Stubing’s friend, Brad (Monte Markham), boards the boat with his wife, Monica (Sue Ane Langdon).  Monica soon starts to hit on Stubing, which leads to Stubing spending all of his time hiding on the bridge.  Doc Bricker, naturally, offers to sleep with Monica.  Fortunately, Stubing figures out that it’s all Brad’s fault and he tells Brad that he needs to spend more time with his wife.  Brad agrees and later learns that Monica just wanted to have an affair because she was insecure about turning 40.  But once Brad starts to pay attention to her again, Monica decides not to cheat on him.  Sorry, Doc!

Finally, in perhaps the silliest Love Boat storyline ever, Martin Fallow (Tom Smothers) is a science fiction fan who is convinced that his local librarian, Elinor Green (Helen Reddy), is an alien from the planet Romulac.  Martin explains to Gopher that Elinor turns into a plant at night and only eats other plants.  Elinor proceeds to eat a flower while Isaac, Gopher, and Martin watch.

Elinor later confesses to Isaac that she is not an alien but she’s been pretending to be one because she knows that Martin is obsessed with science fiction.  Okay, that makes …. well, that actually makes no sense whatsoever.  Elinor thought she could get Martin to love her by pretending to be a plant and …. actually, Martin does fall in love with her so I guess her plan worked.  This was such a weird story.  Fortunately, it was also a lot of fun.  With all the talk of adultery, it was good to have something that was just incredibly silly to serve as a counterbalance.

This was an enjoyable cruise.  Pamela Sue Martin and Barry Van Dyke had so much chemistry as the forbidden lovers that I really did feel bad that they couldn’t be together.  And the alien stuff was dumb but fun.  This was a cruise that truly had something for everyone.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 1.20 “Rendezvous”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

This week, Mitch and the Gang screw up another easy case.

Episode 1.20 “Rendezvous”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on May 4th, 1996)

Mitch, Ryan, and Garner are hired to track down Bradley Thurman (John Sanderford), a former top executive who embezzled over twenty million dollars and then, with the help of plastic surgery, went into hiding.  Thurman has come to California to track down his wife and child, both of whom are in the witness protection program.  They are told that, if they help to capture Bradley, they will be entitled to 20% of whatever money is recovered.

“20% of 20,000,000,” Mitch says, dreamily.

“Or 20% of nothing,” Ryan adds, revealing that she at least understands that both this show and presumably Baywatch would be over if Mitch ever became independently wealthy.

Donna and and Griff help out with the case, despite the fact that neither one of them is a detective and they both already have jobs that should presumably keep them busy.  I mean, Donna owns a bar and it seems like that would require a lot of work on her part.  Instead, she’s always either training to become a life guard, pursuing a modeling career, and trying to help Mitch solve a case.  If I was Donna, I would be concerned about the fact that I’m always being told to go flirt with the bad guys.  It seems like a dangerous assignment to give to someone who isn’t actually a detective.  Griff, as a professional photographer, at least has a skill that is regularly used in actual detective work.

Even though this episode’s story felt like a return to the type of plots that Baywatch Nights featured when it first premiered, it was still a rather inconsequential episode.  Bradley Thurman was hardly a clever or even a menacing villain and the fact that he got as close to his wife and his child as he did had less to do with any skill on Thurman’s part and everything to do with Mitch just not being very good at his job.

Actually, why are Mitch, Ryan, and Garner such terrible detectives?  Mitch’s problem is that he never seems to focus on the case at hand.  Instead, he’s always trying to flirt with Ryan or looking out at the ocean to see if anyone’s drowning.  Being a detective requires concentration and that seems to be something that Mitch struggles with.  Garner, meanwhile, is a bit too cocky for someone who, despite appearing in the open credits, hardly ever actually appears on the show.  But still, Ryan seems like she should have everything that it takes to be a good detective but, every show, she makes the same mistakes as Mitch and Garner.  I think Ryan actually is a good detective.  She’s just being dragged down by Mitch’s incompetence.  I think if Ryan went off on her own, she’d have a lot more success.

Next week, Mitch helps an old friend who thinks his wife is an imposter!