The Girl Who Stood Still”

Posted on February 19, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, exciting and new …. come aboard, they’re expecting you….

Episode 5.18 “His Girls Friday/A Wife for Wilfred/The Girl Who Stood Still”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on February 13th, 1982)

Wilfred (Tom Smothers) is a single guy who tells the crew that he’ll pay $10,000 to whoever helps him find a wife on the cruise. The members of the crew each introduce Wilfred to a different woman and soon, Wilfred has five women following him all over the boat. However, when Isaac hears Wilfred bragging about how he conned the crew into doing all the work for him and how he was lying about the $10,000, the crew hires Marilyn (Connie Stevens), who runs the ship’s flower shop, to pretend to Wilfred’s wife.

Ha! Joke’s on Wilfred! No wait, the joke’s on the crew. Marilyn and Wilfred fall in love. Meanwhile, Julie remains single.

Meanwhile, Howard Ethan (Dick Van Patten) boards the ship with his loyal and superefficient secretary, Doris (Rue McClanahan). Doris is a great secretary but when Howard finds out that Cindy Nevins (Judy Landers) is looking for a secretarial job, he tries to figure out how to get Doris to quit so that he can hire Cindy. Maybe he and Doris could just fall in love. Myself, I wonder why people were always doing work while on The Love Boat. Isn’t a cruise supposed to be a vacation? And yet, every episode seemed to feature someone determined to spend the cruise in their cabin and getting some work done. I appreciate the spirit, I guess. I mean, I write film reviews while I’m on vacation so I guess I can relate. But still, if you’re going to pay for a luxury cruise, wouldn’t you at least want to use it as an excuse to forget about your responsibilities on the mainland?

Finally, Bess Hensinger (Vera Miles) boards the boat with her daughter, Abigail (Denise Miller). Abigail is stunned to learn that Bess invited a boy that Abigail likes to join them on the cruise. How will Jim (James Osmond) react if he discovers that Abigail has …. scoliosis!? This storyline was actually the best of the episode, if just because it was the only one where the male half of the romantic pairing didn’t come across as being totally sleazy. Jim was a genuinely nice guy and, needless to say, he didn’t care that Abigail has scoliosis. Denise Miller give an excellent performance as the insecure Abigail. As an asthmatic teenager, I always dreaded the thought of using my inhaler in front of other people so I could relate to what Abigail was going through. I may not have cared about the other two stories but I was happy things worked out for Jim and Abigail.

One good story out of three is usually not something brag about but Abigail and Jim were such a winning couple that they really did make this episode worth the trouble. Despite Wilfred and Howard, this was a good cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.17 “The Return of the Captain’s Lady/Love Ain’t Illegal/The Irresistible Man”

Posted on February 12, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s time for another trip on The Love Boat! We’re a little late setting sail today but it happens. Let’s see what’s happening on this cruise….

Episode 5.17 “The Return of the Captain’s Lady/Love Ain’t Illegal/The Irresistible Man”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on February 6th, 1982)

This week’s cruise is all about people being stupid.

For instance, George Boggs (Dick Martin) wants to embezzle some money from his company but he can’t run the risk of his business partner, Irwin (Robert Mandan), finding out. So, George tells his secretary, Marge (Phyllis Davis), to keep Irwin distracted while George steals the money. However, Marge really does fall for Irwin. This was a very predictable storyline and it suffered from Dick Martin continually mugging for the camera and acting so obviously guilty that there was no way that the entire world wouldn’t have noticed what he was doing. Still, if you’re a fan of sitcoms from the 70s and 80s, it’s always interesting to see Robert Mandan playing a sympathetic character for a change.

Things get even dumber when Doug Bridges (Linwood Boomer) decides that the best way to get Pam (Lydia Cornell) to notice him would be to fake being pulled into a broom closet and kissed by an amorous woman who then, in Doug’s telling of the story, runs off and disappears. Soon, the entire ship is looking for Doug’s mystery woman. Why this would get Pam to like Doug, I’m not sure. Pam’s best friend (Pat Klous) does like Doug so she pretends to be the mystery woman. Of course, Doug can’t reveal that she’s lying because that would mean revealing that he was lying and …. as I said, this story was dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb!

Finally, Captain Stubing’s ex-fiancé, Linda (Pat Crowley) boards the ship and the Captain is super excited! He starts to rekindle their relationship and soon, he’s even thinking of proposing. Yay! Vicki’s finally going to have a stepmom …. oh wait. Hold on. It turns out that Linda’s married and she just boarded the boat and allowed herself to be romanced by the Captain without telling him any of this because …. reasons, I guess? I mean, don’t get me wrong. Linda is not happy with her marriage and is in the process of getting a divorce but she doesn’t tell any of that to the Captain. Merrill thinks that Linda is single and ready to get married. Nope, Linda was just looking for a fling and is not ready to get married again. Poor Merrill! At least he has the crew looking out for him….

Ugh. This episode. Listen, I am more than willing to suspend my disbelief when it comes to this show. Usually, I absolutely love The Love Boat. But usually there’s at least one sort of funny or sweet story to go along with the ones that are less memorable. None of the stories worked on this cruise and that’s a shame. That said, I’ll be back next week. The Love Boat promises something for everyone, afterall.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.16 “Green, But Not Jolly/Past Perfect Love/Instant Family”

Posted on February 5, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Julie wears a wig!

Episode 5.16 “Green, But Not Jolly/Past Perfect Love/Instant Family”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 30th, 1982)

“Where’s Julie?” Captain Stubing demands and he’s got good reason. The Love Boat is only a few minutes away from setting sail. The passengers are checking in and being given directions to their cabins. And yet, Julie McCoy — the cruise director — is nowhere to be seen!

Fire him, Captain! Seriously, she’s been erratic this entire season and she seems to have a permanent cold so it’s time to get a new cruise director.

Julie shows up at the last minute. She reveals that she’s late because she went to see her hair dresser. And now, she’s a platinum blonde! She says that she’s proud of her new look. The rest of the crew pretends to like it. As for those of us watching, it’s hard not to notice that Julie is actually just wearing a very obvious wig.

Watching this episode, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that, according to a documentary about the show that I recently watched on Tubi, Lauren Tewes was dealing with a fairly serious cocaine problem during the fifth season. I don’t say that suggest anything bad about Lauren Tewes. From what I’ve read, cocaine was everywhere in the 80s and she’s hardly the only performer from the time to get into trouble with it. (Tewes, it should be noted, went to rehab and cleaned herself up.) Instead, I point that out because a lot of Julie’s actions during the fifth season seem as if they’re best explained by Julie being under the influence. The moodiness, the impulsivity, the fact that she suddenly doesn’t seem to be all that focused on her job, I think Julie had a problem! Her hair isn’t platinum blonde. It’s cocaine white!

Gopher eventually works up the courage to tell her that her new hair color is not flattering. (And, to be honest, he’s right.) Gopher gives her some hair dye that he picked up — uh oh! — and Julie uses it — JULIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? — and she wakes up the next morning with green hair. Julie spends the rest of the cruise in her cabin while the rest of the crew feels guilty. Even Vicki has a hard time talking to Julie with her green hair. Then the rest of the cruse decides to die their hair green in solidarity with Julie, just to discover hat Julie’s hair has gone back to its natural color….

Yeah, it’s silly but I kind of enjoyed the storyline. I like stories about the crew and the members of the cast had enough chemistry that they could even carry a story as silly as this one. They’re a fun group to watch.

As for the other two stories, Lynda Day George boards the ship with her hyperactive son (a young Corey Feldman). She meets a high school coach (John Philip Law) who is not scared by her son. This was a predictable story but I’m a horror fan and an Italian movie fan so seeing George, Feldman, and Law interacting made up for any narrative flaws.

The third story starred Bert Convy and Tanya Roberts and it was about reincarnation. I don’t believe reincarnation, mostly because people who claim to remember their past lives never remember anything boring. Instead, they always remember being members of French royalty or the mistress of a Spanish pirate. As for this story, Convy lies and tries to convince Roberts that they were lovers in a past life. But then he has black-and-white visions of a chandelier falling on Roberts. Maybe they were once lovers at another time! Honestly, who cares?

This was an above average cruise. I’m glad Julie finally took off that wig.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.15 “I Don’t Play Anymore/Gopher’s Roommate/Crazy For You”

Posted on January 29, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Gopher thinks that he recognizes a passenger!

Episode 5.15 “I Don’t Play Anymore/Gopher’s Roommate/Crazy For You”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on January 23rd, 1982)

When Rachel (Mackenzie Phillips) boards the ship, Gopher is sure that they’ve met before. Rachel tells Gopher that he must be mistaken and, in fact, she goes out of her way to avoid him. Since no one on this ship has ever stopped to consider that getting the cruise line sued would be bad for their career, Gopher continues to follow Rachel around. Rachel finally tells Gopher the truth.

She does know him.

In fact, they were once quite close.

In college, Rachel was Gopher’s roommate and she played for the football team. However, after graduating college, she had gender-affirmation surgery and now, she goes by the name of Rachel. Gopher is stunned and I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re probably looking at the 1982 air date and assuming that the whole storyline becomes consumed with gay panic as Gopher grapples with having been attracted to his former roommate. (Doc also hits on her but then again, Doc hits on anyone.) Well, believe it or not, The Love Boat handles this storyline with a surprising amount of sensitivity. Yes, Gopher is stunned at first. But he soon comes to respect and support Rachel’s decision, even if he doesn’t fully understand it. Physically, the rather slight Mackenzie Phillips is not particularly believable as a former football player but still, both she and Fred Grandy gave good performance in the story. This week was a case of The Love Boat really taking me by surprise.

Meanwhile, psychiatrist Lisa Lessing (Joanna Cassidy) boards the boat to observe David Jackson (Dick Shawn), an exec who is asking for worker’s compensation because he claims to be mentally ill. Lisa (hey!) is on board to check on David’s sanity. Lisa comes to believe that David is not faking but — surprise! — David actually is faking and now he feels bad because he and Lisa have fallen in love. Lisa decides to pretend to be crazy too. Uhmmm, okay.

Pianist Paul Krakauer (James MacArthur) has retired from playing because of the crippling arthritis in his hands. When he meets Irene (Donna Pescow), a maid on the ship, he falls in love and decides to give one last performance so that he can make a quick $25,000 and give it to Irene so she can get an operation to fix her ankle. Turns out that Doc has some ‘medicine” that allows Paul to play the piano but it takes several hours to take it effect so Paul misses a date that he previously set up with Irene. Irene is ready to dump David until she finds out why he stood her up.

So, this episode had one surprisingly sensitive and two kind of bland storylines. (The pianist storyline was ultimately saved by Donna Pescow’s performance as Irene.) And I’ve got a massive headache and a cold. Bleh. That said, this was actually an above-average cruise, featuring some good performances on the part of the passengers and the cruise. This week’s trip on The Love Boat was worth it.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.14 “Good Neighbors/Captain’s Portrait/Familiar Faces”

Posted on January 22, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Captain Stubing poses for a portrait.

Episode 5.14 “Good Neighbors/Captain’s Portrait/Familiar Faces”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on January 9th, 1982)

Don York (Sonny Shroyer) is an ad man who is so famous that even Gopher knows who he is. Don gets really excited when he sees Doris Weldon (Arlene Golonka) boarding the boat. Don rushes over and starts to hit on her. He even notices that, according to the tag on her luggage, they live in the same building in Los Angeles! They’re neighbors! Too bad Doris refuses to date anyone who lives in the same building as her. Don spends the entire cruise trying to get Doris to reconsider. Personally, I suspected that Doris was just using the “neighbor” thing as an excuse to avoid telling Don that he’s very annoying and kind of pushy. Stuff like that never happens on The Love Boat, though. Instead, Doris is definitely attracted to Don but she doesn’t want him living next door. Will things work out for Don and Doris?

Stan (Dean Butler) and Laura Barber (Mary Beth McDonough) are newlyweds. Stan has the bar exam coming up so he’s brought his law books with him on his honeymoon. (Boo! Nerd!) Stan’s future seems bright until he sees that Frank Jenson (Henry Jones) is also on the cruise. Frank once owned the liquor store where Stan used to hang out when he was an alcoholic. Stan apologizes for stealing from the store. Frank accuses Stan of beating him up, something that Stan says didn’t happen. Will things work for Stan, Laura, and Frank?

Of course, things will work out for them. The is The Love Boat and things always work out on The Love Boat! Both of the stories were okay but they were also kind of boring and predictable. The more interesting story for this cruise featured Lee Meriwether as Barbara Baden, an artist who has been hired by the cruise line to paint a picture of Captain Stubing. Apparently, any captain who sticks with the line for ten years gets their picture painted and hung in the corporate offices.

As you can probably already guess, the Captain and the artist end up falling for each other. And if you didn’t already guess that Barbara’s portrait of the Captain would be a nude portrait that she ends up doing from memory after they become lovers, you’ve really never watched an episode of The Love Boat before. Fortunately, it’s also an abstract painting and no one knows that they’re looking at a nude painting of the Captain. In fact, the painting is so abstract that I get the feeling that the cruise line isn’t going to demand its money back. This story was entertaining due to how uncomfortable Stubing was with being painted. Gavin MacLeod did a good job portraying his nervousness and his panic when he discovered the painting was about to be unveiled made me chuckle a little.

Overall, this was kind of a bland episode. But at least the scenery was pleasant. It still provided a nice hour away from reality.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.13 “Doc Take the Fifth/Safety Last/A Business Affair”

Posted on January 15, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Love, exciting and new….

Episode 5.13 “Doc Take the Fifth/Safety Last/A Business Affair”

(Dir by Bruce Bilson, originally aired on Jan. 2nd, 1982)

Returning from his vacation, Doc boards the boat with a young Russian blonde woman named Tania (Irena Ferris). Oh, the crew says, Doc has a new girlfriend.

No, Doc has a new wife! Doc and Tania met after Doc saw her performing as a member of a communist symphony during his vacation. They struck up a conversation and, according to Doc, it was love at first sight, After a whirlwind courtship, Doc and Tania got married, mere hours before heading to the boat. It’s going to be a working honeymoon for Doc and he can’t wait to consummate the marriage. The crew can’t wait for him to do it either. (Seriously, they are oddly obsessed with Doc Bricker’s sex life.) This is Doc’s fifth marriage and it’s going to last!

Except …. Tania doesn’t seem to want to consummate the marriage. In fact, once the boat sets sail, Tania seems to be avoiding Doc. Doc wonders if maybe Tania is just shy but seriously — refusing to have sex with your new husband on a luxury cruise ship? No one’s that shy! Then Doc spies Tania kissing another passenger.

“Adam,” the captain says, “you don’t know Tania that well.”

Indeed, Adam does not. Eventually, Tania tells Doc Bricker the truth. She married Adam so she could stay in the country with the true love of her life, political dissident Mikhail (Kai Wulff). Tania says that she really, really likes Doc but she is not in love with him. Both Tania and Mikhail apologize to Doc and tell him that Tania will get the marriage annulled and return to Russia.

Personally, I think Doc would have been justified in tossing them both overboard. Instead, Doc asks Captain Stubing to call a friend at the State Department and arrange for Tania to get permanent refugee status in the United States. Awwww, that was nice of Doc!

This storyline was depressing but, as I’ve said before, I always appreciate it when The Love Boat allows Doc Bricker to be something other than just a lech. Bernie Kopell was so likable in the role that it was always nice when he got to play Doc as being a nice guy as opposed to a manipulative sex addict. Kopell did an especially good job in this episode, especially at the end where he appears to be on the verge of tears as he watches Tania and Mikhail leave the boat.

As for the other two stories, neither one was particularly interesting. A safety inspector (Don Adams) is so obsessed with safety that he nearly misses a chance for romance with Alice (Britt Ekland). Luckily, Isaac is there to set him straight. A business executive (Robert Fuller) is upset that everyone thinks he’s sleeping with his Vice President (Judy Norton). But then he falls in love with her and sleeps with her for real so I guess the rumors were true!

Those stories were boring but Doc’s story redeemed this week’s cruise. Poor Doc! Maybe the sixth time will be the charm.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.12 “Take a Letter, Vicki/The Floating Bridge Game/The Joy of Celibacy”

Posted on January 8, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance….

Episode 5.12 “Take a Letter, Vicki/The Floating Bridge Game/The Joy of Celibacy”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 12th, 1981)

Captain Stubing notices that Vicki seems to be depressed. He asks his crew if they have any idea what’s wrong with her.

Actually, he could have just asked me. Why is Vicki depressed? Maybe it’s because she’s a teenage girl who spends all of her time on a boat surrounded by people who are all at least twenty to thirty years older than her? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have any friends her own age? Maybe it’s because Julie’s now too coked up to be the surrogate mother figure that she was during the previous two seasons? Seriously, there’s a lot reasons why Vicki might be depressed but they all have on solution. Let Vicki go to school on the mainland and allow her to have some friends her own age!

The crew, however, thinks that the Captain should just hire Vicki to be his secretary. Stubing agrees. Vicki is happy to have a job and she immediately does the exact same thing that I would do under those circumstances. She rearranges the captain’s entire office. The Captain can’t find anything but personally, I think his office does look better once everything has been straightened up. A messy office leads to a messy mind and, on a cruise ship, a messy mind can lead to a collision with an ice berg.

Vicki then issues a cheerful memo, telling all the members of the crew that they should give the Captain a daily run-down of their plans for the day. Again, I think that makes total sense. The crew, however, is outraged. The Captain is worried that Vicki is taking her position too seriously but he doesn’t know how to fire her. (When did Captain Stubing become a wimp? This is a weird episode.) The crew decides to give Vicki so much work that she’ll quite out of frustration but they discover that Vicki is determined to do a good job. No one knows what to do….

LET HER HAVE FRIENDS HER OWN AGE AND A NORMAL LIFE! THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO!

Anyway, the overworked Vicki eventually falls asleep on the job. The Captain uses that as an excuse to fire her. Vicki smiles because she didn’t really enjoy the job in the first place. Usually, the relationship between the Captain and Vicki is one of the better elements of The Love Boat but this episode left me feeling really bad for Vicki. She’s really missing out on the best years of her life.

As for the other two stories, neither was very interesting. A bridge club made up of four widows takes the cruise and are shocked when one of them (played by Nanette Fabray) decides she would rather spend time with a handsome dentist (Robert Alda) than play bridge. My question here is why would you spend money to play bridge on a cruise while you could just play at home for free. If you’re on a cruise, enjoy the scenery! Don’t just play bridge. Meanwhile, Barry Styles (Jim Trent) pretended to be a big believer in celibacy in order to get “ice queen” Linda Trent (Carlee Watkins) to fall for him. Doc and Gopher made a bet on whether or not he would be successful. DOC! GOPHER! You two know you’re better than that!

This week’s cruise was just sad. The bridge club wasted a lot of money. Linda was the center of a misogynistic bet. Vicki is still going to be lonely and depressed next week. What a sad trip on The Love Boat.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat is back for a new year of reviews!

Episode 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

(Dir by Bruce Bilson, originally aired on December 5th, 1981)

This week, Doc Bricker’s brother boards the Love Boat and boy, does he turn out to be a jerk! Fred Bricker (Jack Bannon) is bitter because their father paid for Doc to go to medical school while Fred had to stay behind on the farm. Now, Fred is married to Nancy (Elaine Joyce) and worried about how he’s going to afford to send his own son to college. Convinced that Doc is rich, Fred thinks that Doc should pay for his nephew’s college tuition. Doc agrees. Fred still acts like an ungrateful jackass but, when he learns that Doc has actually taken out a loan to pay the tuition, Fred realizes that Doc may not be rich but he is a good man.

The weird thing about this storyline is that Fred didn’t have enough money to send his kid to college but apparently, he did have enough money to take an expensive cruise on a luxury liner. The other strange thing is that Fred didn’t know that Doc worked on the ship until he saw him in the lobby. Fred just happened to buy a ticket for the same ship that his brother worked on. Every episode of The Love Boat featured its share of implausible coincidences but this episode really pushes suspension of disbelief to its breaking point. On a positive note, this story did allow us to see another side of Doc. Bernie Kopell is always more believable when he gets to play Doc as being a nice guy as opposed to playing him as being an irredeemable lech.

Speaking of money, two old vaudevillians (played by Milton Berle and Martha Raye) haven’t had much of it ever since their style of performing went out of fashion. Berle and Raye stowaway on the ship and then attempt to freeload their way through the cruise by pretending to be another set of passengers, Zeke and Zelda Van Buren (played by Herb Edelman and Elinor Donahue). The captain is not amused when he finds out that someone is breaking the law on his boat but then Milton and Martha sing a duet of For Me And My Gal and all is forgiven. The Captain arranges for them to get a job as entertainers on another ship. I’ve noticed that the Captain never really seems to punish any of the many stowaways who have taken a trip on The Love Boat. And you know what? Good for him! There’s a place for mercy in this cold world of ours.

Finally, romance novelist Michael Scott (Daryl Anderson) has a one night stand with teacher Emily Parker (Susan Richardson). Michael — and yes, it’s impossible not to think of The Office whenever anyone mentions the character’s name — is stunned when Emily gets emotional after their night together. “You’re acting like you’ve never done this before….” Michael says and, of course, it turns out that she hasn’t. This was a pretty bleh storyline but it did lead to a funny scene where Michael attempts to have a conversation with Emily while two old ladies eavesdrop and freak out every time they hear the word “virgin.”

I enjoyed this cruise, mostly because it gave Bernie Kopell a chance to actually do some real acting for once. I always like it when Doc turns out to be a nice guy. Milton Berle and Martha Raye are, to put it lightly, an acquired taste but both of them give good performances in this episode and even manage to pull off their duet without making it too cringey. As for the third storyline, it was defeated by the lack of chemistry between Daryl Anderson and Susan Richardson. Still, two out of three is not bad.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.10 “Love, Honor and Obey/Gladys and Agnes/Radioactive Isaac”

Posted on December 11, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Isaac has a problem! Oh no! Who will man the bar?

Episode 5.10 “Love, Honor and Obey/Gladys and Agnes/Radioactive Isaac”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Oh no! Isaac’s radioactive!

Well, no, not in the way that you might be thinking. Before leaving on this week’s cruise, Isaac had some dental work done and his new fillings can pick up radio stations. The only real problem with that is that Isaac likes a passenger named Patty Phelps (Berlinda Tolbert) and Patty likes him, except for when his teeth start playing music. It leads Patty to suspect that Isaac is just pulling a big prank on her and she doesn’t have any patience for that nonsense. Especially when there’s another handsome single man on board (played by Darrow Igus) whose teeth do not pick up radio stations. Is Isaac willing to sacrifice his fillings for love?

Meanwhile, Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara play …. well, they might as well just be playing Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. I’ve seen Jerry and Anne on a few of these shows and they always play the same two characters regardless of what their characters may be named. In this case, Jerry and Anne want to renew their wedding vows on the Love Boat. Captain Stubing is happy to oblige but Anne decides that she doesn’t want to vow to “obey’ her husband. Jerry and Anne get into a fight and it looks like the marriage might be over! However, things work out in the end. They renew their vows and then Anne starts bossing Jerry around. It was a pretty simple story but Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara were so likable together that it didnt matter. I was happy they stayed together.

Finally, Agnes (Audra Lindley) and Gladys (Marion Ross) are two sisters who are taking a cruise together. Agnes meets and falls for Henry Whitewood (Bernard Fox), who is a genuine English earl! Gladys doesn’t want to lose Agnes and tells Henry that Agnes doesn’t have much money. It turns out that Henry doesn’t have a lot of money either. But he’s willing to sell what little land he does have so that he can refurbish the manor and invite Agnes to be his wife. Awwww! And don’t worry about Gladys. She realizes that the most important thing is that her sister’s happy.

This cruise was a bit on the forgettable side. After last week’s two-hour extravaganza, this week’s episode was rather low-key and almost mild-mannered. It was pleasant without being particularly memorable. I think we’ve all had vacations like that!

Speaking of vacations, the holidays are approaching so this is going to be final Love Boat review of 2024. My reviews will resume on January 1st!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

Posted on December 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a two-hour special!

Episodes 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

The Love Boat crew is back in Australia, sailing from Sydney to Fiji and back again. The Captain remembers his time in the Navy and a lost love who he met while serving in the South Pacific. Julie remembers her love affair with Tony and how he left her at the altar after he discovered that he was dying. Anthony Andrews, who played Tony, is listed as being a guest star on this episode but he only appears in archival footage. Tony, we learn, has died but his brother, David (Brendon Lunney), assures Julie that her letters to him provided him with much comfort during his final days.

(David only appears for a minute or two, when Julie visits the animal preserve where Tony worked. Still, in that minute, he and Julie have so much chemistry that I found myself hoping that David would spontaneously propose to her.)

As for the cruise, the majority of the cabins are populated by the relatives of William Otis Farnsworth (Lloyd Bridges). Farnsworth is one of the richest men in the world and he’s taking a cruise with his entire family because he wants to see who is truly worthy of inheriting his fortune. The ship is full of people looking to get rich, including:

Jenny (Moran Fairchild) and Bud Boyer (Grant Goodeve), who are hoping that William will not discover that they’ve recently gotten divorced,
Hazel (Patti MacLeod) and Frank Fransworth (Russell Newman), who hope that Hazel imitating William’s deceased wife will cause William to mention them favorably in his will,
Marcia (Jessica Walter), who was married to William’s brother and who has basically hired gold digger Jessica Halberson (Linda Evans) to seduce and marry William, and
Burl “Gopher” Smith, who thinks that he might be distantly related to William and who, with Isaac’s encouragement, tries to get close to William. Gopher even calls his mother (Ethel Merman) to find out if he’s a relative. She’s not much help.

Not interested in the money is William’s niece, Eloise (Beth Howland). Eloise, who is William’s administrative assistant, finds herself falling in love with William’s valet, country boy Wayne Burton (Jim Nabors). Words cannot begin to express just how annoying Jim Nabors is in this episode. “Surprise surprise surpise!” Wayne says when he shows up on the boat. “Golly!” Wayne says when a conscience-stricken Jessica tries to break up with William. I found myself covering my ears whenever Nabors appeared on screen.

The main problem here is that none of these people are remotely likable. Not even William Farnsworth is likable. He’s meant to be likable but really, he comes across as being a judgmental jerk. When Jessica tries to leave the ship and fly back to Sidney, William reacts by buying every single plane ticket on the island. Jessica can’t leave but hey …. neither can anyone else!

Far more likable was Melanie (Margaret Laurence), the daughter of the Captain’s former lover, Madeleine. Melanie is a dead-ringer for her mother and the Captain falls in love with her. Melanie also falls in love with him. She proposes marriage. Awwww! But then she realizes marrying the Captain would mean abandoning her job as a teacher so she calls the wedding off. So now, both the Captain and Julie have had their heart broken in Australia. At least they now have something to bond over.

For a two-hour episode, there really wasn’t much plot to this episode. It was largely a travelogue. There were a lot of kangaroos and koala bears and they were certainly cute. The scenery was lovely. Otherwise, this was a cruise full of rather unlikable people. Australia deserved better.