Horror Film Review: The Return of Swamp Thing (dir by Jim Wynorski)

Posted on October 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What fresh Hell is this?

The 1989 film Return of Swamp Thing is one of the many bayou-set films that I’ve watched recently. On most streaming sites, it is listed as being a “horror film” and there’s a few horror elements to be found in the film. There’s mutants and hybrids and evil moonshiners. There’s a lot jokes that are so corny that you might get scared just from hearing them. I can accept the idea that this film is technically a part of the horror genre but the film is more of a comedy than anything else. That’s not a complaint on my part, by the way. I knew what I was getting into as soon as I saw that it was directed by Jim Wynorski. Jim Wynorski has been poking fun at himself and his films for longer than I’ve been alive.

Return of Swamp Thing is a sequel to Wes Craven’s 1982 Swamp Thing, a film that I haven’t seen but which I’ve been assured was considerably more serious than the sequel. (That’s the difference between Craven and Wynorski.) The film features Louis Jourdan as Dr. Arcane, a mad scientist who lives in a mansion in Louisiana. Dr. Arcane is obsessed with finding the secret to immortality, which he thinks lies in splicing together different strands of DNA. As a result of Arcane’s experiments, the swamp is now crawling with bizarre human/animal hybrids. The bayou is no longer a safe place but, fortunately, the bayou has a protector! Swamp Thing (Dick Durock) is a human-plant hybrid who wanders around the swamp and beats up evil doers. Swamp Thing is described as being a humanoid vegetable but he really just looks like a stuntman wearing a green costume.

Abby Arcane (Heather Locklear) is Dr. Arcane’s stepdaughter. She thinks that Arcane had something to do with her mother’s death and, of course, he did. Abby heads down to the swamp to confront Arcane but, unfortunately, it turns out that she’s in over her head when it comes to surviving in the bayou. When she’s not being chased by the weird mutant creatures, she’s having to deal with toothless moonshiners. Do you know what the worst bayou is? Bayouself! (Did I already tell that joke this month?) Fortunately, Abby is not alone for long because Swamp Thing emerges from the water and protects her. Abby quickly falls in love with Swamp Thing.

“I’m a plant,” Swamp Thing tells her.

“I’m a vegetarian,” she replies, which I guess means she’s going to cannibalize Swamp Thing after he’s no longer any use to her. Yikes! Look out, Swamp Thing!

Dr. Arcane wants to use Abby’s DNA for his experiments. Swamp Thing decides to protect Abby and the two dumbass kids who keep following him around. It’s time for a battle in the bayou!

Obviously, Wynorski does not approach this material seriously or with a hint of subtlety and that’s definitely the right approach to take. The sight of Louis Jourdan in the Louisiana bayous is so ludicrous that you have no choice but to laugh at it. That said, the film is never quite as funny as one might hope. It’s easy to imagine it working as a 30-minute pilot for a Swamp Thing sitcom but, as an 90-minute film, it quickly runs out of gas. Louis Jourdan looks bored but Dick Durock is amusingly earnest as Swamp Thing. Heather Locklear shows a flair for comedy but the box office failure of The Return of Swamp Thing pretty much ended her film career before it began.

After this, I think I’m going to avoid the swamp for a while.

The Demolitionist (1995, directed by Robert Kurtzman)

Posted on October 23, 2023 by Jedadiah Leland

In the future, America is overrun by crime. Mad Dog Burne (Richard Grieco) and his brother, Little Henry (Randy Vasquez) escape from California death row. Mayor Eleanor Grimbaum (Susan Tyrell) wants the Burne brothers captured and she wants to be able to show the voters that she’s tough on crime. When brave police officer Alyssa Lloyd (Nicole Eggert) is killed by Mad Dog Burne’s gang, she is brought back to life in cyborg form by Prof. Crowley (Bruce Abbott) and, after a training montage, she is let loose on the streets as a police-backed vigiliante.

The Demolitionist owes an obvious debt to Robocop, with Nicole Eggert miscast as an expressionless cyborg who launches a one-woman/one-machine war on crime. The main problem is that The Demolitionist has none of Robocop‘s wit or its subversive subtext. Nicole Eggert is no substitute for Peter Weller and Richard Grieco is no Kurtwood Smith. “Booker’s a good cop!” I said whenever Grieco showed up.

The only interesting this is about the cast, which is full of horror veterans. Jack Nance plays the prison priest who counsels the Burne brothers before they escape their scheduled executions. Reggie Bannister plays the warden. Sarah Douglas plays a surgeon. Joseph Pilato is one of Mad Dog’s followers. And playing Mad Dog’s second-in-command is none other than Tom Savini. Finally, the city’s most popular journalist is played by Heather Langenkamp!

The Demolitionist demolishes almost the entire town but she still can’t come up with any way to make this stale Robocop rip-off feel fresh.

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Steele Justice (dir by Robert Boris)

Posted on August 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“You don’t recruit him! You unleash him!”

That’s what they say about John Steele, the man who Martin Kove plays in 1987’s Steele Justice. John Steele served in Vietnam and he was one of the best and most fearless members of the special forces. On the final day of the war, he was on the verge of arresting the corrupt General Kwan (Soon-Tek Oh) until Kwan suddenly announced that the war was over and the Americans were leaving. Steele laughed, shrugged, and turned his back on Kwan and started to walk away. Was Steele planning on just walking back to America? Well, regardless, Kwan shot Steele and his friend in the back. Fortunately, Steele survived. Steele may be stupid but he’s strong.

Years later, both Steele and Kwan are now living in California. Kwan is a prominent businessman who is also the secret leader of the Vietnamese mafia. Naturally, his main henchman is played by Al Leong. If Al Leong’s not working for you, are you even evil? John Steele has not been quite as successful. He was a cop until he got kicked off the force. Then he got a job transporting horses across California. Despite his cool guy name, John Steele doesn’t seem to be that good at anything that doesn’t involve killing people.

But then Kwan murders Steele’s best friend and former partner, Lee (Robert Kim). In fact, Kawn not only murders Lee but he also kills Lee’s entire family. The only survivor is Lee’s daughter, Cami (Jan Gan Boyd), a piano prodigy who is supposed to be 14 years old even though she’s being played by someone who is in her 20s. Steele and Lee’s former boss, Bennett (Ronny Cox), gives Steele permission to track down the people responsible for Lee’s death.

John Steele sets out to destroy Kwan. The film gives us a lot of reasons to be on Steele’s side but it’s hard not to notice that a lot of innocent people end up getting killed as a result of Steele’s vendetta. Any time that Steele goes anywhere, Kwan’s people attack and a bunch of innocent bystanders get caught in the crossfire. For example, Steele’s ex, Tracy (Sela Ward), agrees to look after Cami. It turns out that Tracy is a music video director and, of course, she takes Cami to work with her. The video shoot turns into a bloodbath, with even the members of the band getting gunned down. And yet, not even Tracy seems to be particularly disturbed by that. One might think that Tracy would at least sarcastically say something like, “Hey, John, thanks for getting the band killed before I got paid,” but no. Tracy just kind of laughs it all off. At no point does Steele or Bennett or really anyone seem to feel bad about all of the people who get killed as a result of the decision to unleash John Steele. Those people had hopes and dreams too, you know.

I really like Martin Kove on Cobra Kai. I love how his portrayal of the over-the-hill and burned-out John Kreese manages to be both intimidating and pathetic at the same time. I’ve also seen a number of interviews with Kove, in which he’s discussed his career as an exploitation mainstay and he always comes across as being well-spoken and intelligent. That said, Martin Kove appears to be totally lost in Steele Justice, unsure if he should be playing John Steele as a grim-faced avenger or as a quick-with-a-quip action hero. Whenever Steele is angry, Kove looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Whenever Steele makes a joke, Kove smiles like an overage frat boy who, while cleaning out his old storage unit, has just discovered his long lost copy of Bumfights. It’s a confused performance but, to be honest, no one really comes out of Steele Justice looking good. This is a film that features a lot of talented actors looking completely and totally clueless as to why they’re there.

On the plus side, Steele Justice did give this world this totally intimidating shot of Martin Kove, preparing to be get and give justice. Recruit him? No, just unleash him!

Guilty Pleasure No. 54: Solarbabies (dir by Alan Johnson)

Posted on April 26, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Solarbabies is a film that has a reputation. And it’s not a good one.

First released in 1986, Solarbabies is one of those post-Mad Max films that takes place in a post-apocalyptic desert society. There are no more trees. There is no more rain. Order is kept by force. The people are oppressed. Outsiders live in desert towns that have names like “Tiretown.” Children are forced to grow up in a combination of a prison and an orphanage. The orphanage’s Warden (played by Charles Durning) mourns for the way the world used to be, before it became a sun-drenched nightmare without plants or water. The fearsome Grock (Richard Jordan) makes sure that all of society’s rules are followed and the viewer knows he’s a bad guy because he wears a leather trench coat even when it’s over a 100 degrees outside. (Grock never sweats. If only the same could be said of the Warden.) The evil Professor Shandray (Sarah Douglas) experiments on living subjects. It’s a grim, grim world.

However, hope arrives in the form of a glowing orb! A ten year-old deaf boy named Daniel (Lukas Haas) finds the orb and, after regaining his ability to hear, he names it Bodhi. When Darstar (Adrian Pasdar) realizes that he can use Bodhi to protect the people of Tiretown, he steals the orb and runs off with it. Determined to retrieve Bodhi, Daniel chases after him

How will Daniel survive in the desert? Well, luckily, he’s not alone! Daniel was a member of the orphanage’s roller hockey team, the Solarbabies. Terra (Jami Gertz), Jason (Jason Patric), Metron (James LeGros), Rabbit (Claude Brooks), and Tug (Peter DeLuise) strap on their skates and roll out into the desert. Pursuing them is Grock and his stormtroopers.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the desert, an old man named Greentree (Frank Converse) hopes to help the world recover. Greentree looks like a thin version of Santa Claus and he hopes to bring rain and trees back to the Earth. Yes, his name is Greentree. There’s not really much room for subtlety in the world of Solarbabies.

Now, as I said at the beginning of this review, Solarbabies has a reputation. Today, it’s probably best known for being the film that nearly bankrupted Mel Brooks. Yes, that Mel Brooks. When Brooks originally signed on to produce Solarbabies, it was envisioned as being a low-budget sci-fi film that would not have any spectacular special effects. However, Brooks became convinced that Solarbabies had the potential to be a Star Wars-level hit so he increased the budget. He also brought in Alan Johnson to direct the film, despite the fact that Johnson was a choreographer who had only directed one other film and had no experience with science fiction. (Johnson’s previous film had been a remake of To Be Or Not To Be, which starred Brooks and featured Solarbabies’s Charles Durning in a supporting role). At Brooks’s insistence, the film was shot in Spain to save money. Unfortunately, no sooner had Johnson and the film’s cast arrived than Spain was hit by a series of unexpected storms that caused production to shut down. Even when the rain stopped, disagreements between Johnson and the cast delayed the film even further. The footage that was shot satisfied no one, leading to expensive reshoots. In the end, Mel Brooks invested close to $20 million dollars in the film, even taking a second mortgage out on his house. When the film was finally released, it was a critical and box office disaster, though Brooks later said that he did eventually break even after Solarbabies was released on DVD.

So, yes, Solarbabies has a bad reputation and it could be argued that it deserves it. Tonally, the film’s a mess. For a film that appears to have been made for a “family” audience, parts of the film are surprisingly violent Scenes of the Solarbabies playing LaCrosse and cheerfully crossing the desert are mixed with some surprisingly graphic scenes of Grock and Shandray torturing prisoners. Bodhi is a cute and glowing orb who gives Daniel back his hearing and then later brutally kills a lot of bad guys. Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, and Charles Durning all seem to be trying to take the film seriously while Richard Jordan and Sarah Douglas give performances that feel more appropriate for a Hammer horror film. Solarbabies is a bizarre mix of sincerity, sadism, and camp. Nothing about it makes much sense.

And yet….

Listen, I can’t help it. When I watched it last week, I enjoyed Solarbabies. For all of its many and obvious flaws, it’s a hard film not to like. It’s just so thoroughly ludicrous and messy that watching it becomes a rather fascinating viewing experience. It’s hard not to, at the very least, be entertained by the sight of the cast roller skating through the desert. A LaCrosse team battling futuristic Nazis for possession of a glowing orb that can cause rain to fall from a cloudless sky? As far as I’m concerned, it’s impossible not to enjoy that on some level.

Of course, I seem to be in the minority as far as that’s concerned. Alan Johnson never directed another movie after Solarbabies, though he did direct some of those really cool GAP commercials that aired in the early aughts. You know the ones that featured people enthusiastically dancing in khakis? That was him! Those commercials are kind of a guilty pleasure themselves. (Of course, because Mel Brooks nearly didn’t lose his house producing them, they’re not quite as infamous as Solarbabies.) But still, Johnson stared his directorial career by directing Charles Durning to an Oscar nomination in To Be Or Not To Be and he ended it by directing Durning in a box office flop. Well, no matter! I enjoyed Solarbabies and I don’t care who knows it.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Film Review: Conan The Destroyer (dir by Richard Fleischer)

Posted on April 25, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As you can probably tell just from looking at everything that’s been posted on the site today, I love the Oscars. That said, I realize that the Oscars aren’t for everyone. Some people find Oscar-nominated movies to be boring. Some people find the ceremony to be unbearably pompous. Every year, there’s the lament of “The truly entertaining films always get snubbed!”

Well, fear not! If you’re not into the Oscars, there are alternatives! For instance, you can go over to Prime right now and rent the 1984 film, Conan the Destroyer!

Conan The Destroyer is the sequel to the original Conan the Barbarian, with Arnold Schwarzenegger returning as Conan and Mako returning as the sorcerer who narrates the events of Conan’s life. This film is a continuation of the adventures of the barbarian who would become king, a trip to a world much different from our own, and a study of savagery vs civilization. Of course, to most viewers, Conan The Destroyer is just the film where a weird lizard monster picks up Arnold Schwarzenegger by his feet and spins him around in circles. Have you seen that meme where it’s made to appear as if Kate Winslet is spinning around a helpless Schwarzenegger? Along with Titanic, this is the film that you have to thank for it.

Conan The Destroyer picks up from where Conan the Barbarian ended. Conan is still wandering around the desert, working as a thief and a mercenary. He’s still praying to Crom and missing Valeria. He’s picked up a companion, a cowardly thief named Malak (Tracey Walter). When Conan and Malk are captured by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas), Taramis offers to bring Valeria back to life if Conan will escort the Queen’s niece, Jehna (Olivia D’Abo), to a temple so that she can retrieve a gem that will be used to …. you know what? I’m just going to be honest here. I have absolutely no idea what the quest is about. It’s just one of those things where Conan and his crew have to break into a castle or a temple and steal something so that a god can either be awakened or defeated. The film, to be honest, is a bit vague about how it all works but then again, the mission is less important than the journey.

It turns out that, with the exception of her insanely tall bodyguard Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), Jehna has never seen an actual man before and, needless to say, she is quickly fascinated by Conan. (She asks Bombaata if Conan is as handsome as he appears to be, Bombaata reluctantly agrees that he is.) However, Conan only cares for the deceased Valeria. As he leads Jehna, Malak, and Bombaata to the castle where they’ll find the gem, he picks up some other traveling companions. The wizard Akiro (Mako) joins them as does the fierce warrior Zula (Grace Jones). Of course, it turns out that Taramis has an agenda of her own and it all ends in a lot of shouting, swordplay, and muscle flexing.

If Conan the Barbarian was distinguished by the grim and girtty approach that it took to material that others would have played for camp, Conan the Destroyer takes the opposite approach. Of course, a lot of that is because director/screenwriter John Milius did not return to oversee Conan the Destroyer. Instead, Conan the Destroyer was directed by Richard Fleischer, who was one of those veteran directors who made a countless number of films in all sorts of genres but who never really developed a signature style of his own. Fleischer takes a semi-comedic approach to Conan and his quest. As opposed to the brutal warrior and conqueror who appeared in Milius’s film, the Conan in this film is a well-meaning rogue who punches out a camel and who also gets tongue-tied whenever he has too much to drink or when Jehna flirts with him. There’s little of the first film’s violence in this sequel and none of the emotional stakes.

That said, Conan the Destroyer is definitely entertaining. It’s just such a silly movie that you can’t help but enjoy it. Schwarzenegger, apparently understanding that the film is never going to make any sense, cheerfully goes through the motions and he actually does a pretty good job with some of his more comedic lines. The allies and the villains who he collects through the film are all memorably flamboyant. Sarah Douglas is especially entertaining as the over-the-top villainous. If you’re going to be evil in a film like this, you might as well go all out.

Conan The Destroyer was not nominated for an Oscars but it’s still a fun movie.

Cinemax Friday: Meatballs IV (1992, directed by Bob Logan)

Posted on July 24, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Neil (Jack Nance … yes, Eraserhead Jack Nance) owns a summer camp where he teaches people how to water ski. Unfortunately, it’s been a while since Neil’s been a success. The camp is old and run down and Neil is just too good-hearted to enforce any discipline on his campers or his counselors. The evil Monica Shavetts (Sarah Douglas) owns the water ski camp on the other side of the lake and she is determined to put Neil out of business. Fortunately, Neil does have one ace up his sleeve. One of his former campers, Ricky Wade (Corey Feldman), has gone to become one of the top water skiers in the world and he has returned to help Neil save the camp!

Meatballs IV covers all the usual summer camp hijinks. The fat kid learns how to believe in himself. The female counselors all appear in topless. There’s a shower scene, of course, and there’s also a lot of humor centering around flatulence. When you’re 11 years old, this movie is pretty cool. Of course, saving the camp means winning a competition against the evil camp. At least Sarah Douglas appears to be relishing her evil role. There is one funny joke where Corey Feldman attempts to hit on a girl by telling her, “I was in Goonies.” I guess even back then, Feldman knew which one of his movies people would actually remember.

Jack Nance is his usual eccentric self in the role of Neil but he doesn’t get to do much. Sadly, it was while he was in upstate New York making this film that his then-wife, Kelly Van Dyke, committed suicide in Los Angeles. Reportedly, Nance had been on the phone consoling her and trying to talk her down. Unfortunately, a lightning storm knocked out the phones in the middle of Nance’s conversation with Kelly and she hung herself immediately afterwards. For many of us, Jack Nance would be the main reason we would sit through something like Meatballs IV but knowing that story makes it difficult to watch him in this film. Both Jack Nance and his wife deserved better.

Meatballs IV started out as a movie called Happy Campers, which was intended to be a low-budget rip-off of the original Meatballs. Then, someone realized that an even better idea than ripping off a successful film would simply be to change your movie’s title and turn it into a sequel. Meatballs IV tells the same basic story as the original Meatballs, with a bunch of plucky outsiders proving themselves over the summer. The main difference is that Meatballs IV has a lot more T&A than the original film and that the first film has Bill Murray as a camp counselor while this one has to settle for Corey Feldman. It’s not that Feldman’s bad in the role, of course. Despite what happened to his career in the 90s and beyond, Corey Feldman has always been capable of giving good performances, even if he often didn’t. (I can’t really blame him. Would you make much of an effort if you were appearing something like Dream A Little Dream 2?) It’s just that Corey Feldman is no Bill Murray. When Ricky first shows up at the camp, he energizes the campers by doing an elaborate dance routine, which he ends by shouting, “Elvis has left the building!” It has the same energy as that episode of The Simpsons where Homer is hired to voice Poochie on Itchy & Scratchy. It feels desperate, like the film is trying too hard to convince us that Ricky Wade is as cool as everyone says he is. If you have to work that hard to convince people that you’re cool, then you’re probably not.

Scenes I Love: Superman II

Posted on June 13, 2013 by Arleigh

“Rise before Zod…kneel before Zod.”

The latest reboot of Superman by DC and Warner Brothers has now arrived. It’s bound to rake in the dollars and shake the foundations of cineplexes worldwide with its dizzying array of genocidal-level action and mayhem. Yet, we must not forget that before Michael Shannon donned the mantle of General Zod for Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel the megalomaniacal Kryptonian general was played by none other than The Limey himself, Terrence Stamp.

In one of the best scenes (and a favorite of mine) from Superman II (itself a film shouldering a continent-sized and kryptonite-laced amount of controversy over it’s filming) we find the original Zod easily subduing the defenders of the White House and matter-of-factly instructing the President of the United States to rise and kneel before him. Thus an iconic piece of pop-culture dialogue was born that day.

Quickie Review: Return of the Living Dead 3 (dir. by Brian Yuzna)

Posted on February 10, 2011 by Arleigh

In 1993 horror fans were greeted with the release of Return of the Living Dead 3. This third film in the Return of the Living Dead series produced by John Russo ends up being a very good zombie movie and actually has genuine horror that the second film lacked. What ROTLDIII, its writers and directors seem to have left behind was the comedy side of the series which made them cult-classics to begin with.

Taking up directing duty this time around was genre-veteran Brian Yuzna (Beyond Re-Animator) who films this third entry purely on a horror standpoint. This film is serious horror from start to finish. This time around the military is still trying to find a way to use 2-4-5 Trioxin as a way to create zombie soldiers, but ones that could be easily controlled by them. To say that this project hasn’t met with success is an understatement. But it’s the story of the son of the military project director and his girlfriend who dominate the film’s plot. As portrayed by J. Trevor Edmond and Melinda Clarke, these two star-crossed lovers find themselves enmeshed with the dark secret of the project being held in secret. Son soon uses the Trioxin gas to try and ressurect his girlfriend who gets killed early on during an accident. What he gets instead is an undead girlfriend whose hunger for live brains (for some reason the zombies in this ROTLD sequel also feed on other bodily parts) can only be controlled when she causes herself bodily pain through extreme forms of piercing. The rest of the film deals with the father trying to save his son not just from himself and his undead girlfriend but from the hordes of escaped zombies in the facility.

The horror in the film was actually pretty good and this was helped a lot by the gore effects work which surpasses anything the first two films in the series had. The acting was decent enough with Melinda Clarke as the zombified girlfriend putting on a sexy, albeit creepy performance. If it wasn’t for the brain and flesh-eating she sure would’ve made for quite a poster girl for teenage boys.

In the end, Return of the Living Dead 3 continues the series admirably. Despite not having much humor and comedy in the film, this third film in the series more than makes up for it with high levels of gore and a definite sense of horror the first two didn’t much have not to mention a bit of romance which seemed to work.