Lisa’s Week In Television: 9/26/21 — 10/2/21

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

If it seems like I watched an excessive amount of old TV shows this week, that’s because I did. While I was working this week, I kept the TV turned to the retro channels. The only exception to that rule was on Friday when I watched three daytime dramas. For the most part, these shows served as background noise while I was making plan for this year’s Horrorthon but, at the same time, I have to admit that I do kind of like occasionally watching the old TV shows. I’m a history nerd and, at their best, those shows are like stepping into a time machine and seeing the way people used to dress, talk, and, for better or worse, think.

This week also saw the end of Big Brother, which means that I can now devote all of my time to horror films. Yay!

With all that in mind, here’s my week in television:

Allo Allo (Sunday Night, PBS)

With the Germans and the Italians holding a conference to determine their plans for invading England, it falls on Rene to discover their plans to send that information to the Resistance, via the use of a homing duck. Yes, a duck. There’s probably worse ways to do it, to be honest. I know that the ducks in our neighborhood are pretty resilient. Needless to say, Rene complained quite a bit but still did what he had to do.

Bachelor in Paradise (Tuesday Night, ABC)

Ivan had to leave the show because he snuck out of his room during lockdown and tried to see one of the future contestants. This show certainly does have a lot of rules for something that is essentially just a second-rate knock-off of Paradise Hotel.

Bewitched (Weekday Afternoon, Antenna TV)

I watched two episodes of this classic sitcom while doing some work around the office on Tuesday. Unfortunately, both episodes were from the Dick Sargent years. (I prefer the episodes with Dick York’s hapless Darrin to the episodes that feature Dick Sargent flying into a rage every few minutes.) The first episode features Sarena causing trouble, which was fun. The second episode featured Endora casting a hex on Darrin, which was fun if just because Darrin was such a pain in the ass that he certainly deserved it.

Big Brother (24/7, Paramount Plus and CBS)

It’s over! I wrote about the show and big finale over at the Big Brother Blog!

The Bold and the Beautiful (Weekday Afternoons, CBS)

Last year, when the COVID lockdowns first kicked in, I got sucked back into the world of the daytime dramas. However, up until this week, it had been a few months since I had watched any of them. I guess I just got bored with them. That said, this Friday, I decided to check in with a few of them, just to see what was going on.

The Bold and the Beautiful remains my favorite, just because it’s so self-aware and intentionally over the top. This Friday’s episode featured a lot of people having heated discussions and it was fun to watch. The drama, the eye rollings, the flaring nostrils, the little smirks — Hell, I might have to start setting the DVR for these shows again!

CHiPs (Weekday Afternoon, Charge!)

I watched two episodes of this 70s cop show on Thursday. The show itself was pretty bland but the California scenery was lovely and that opening theme music really gets stuck in your head. They knew how to work a bassline in the 70s.

Cold Case (Weekday Afternoon, Start TV)

Remember this show? Cold Case followed the adventures of Lily (Kathryn Morris), the deathly pale cold case detective who never seemed to wash her hair. On Wednesday, I watched an episode in which Lily and the cold case squad investigated the murder of a woman who made a tape for a dating service shortly before her death. As always, the show started off on an interesting note but then got unbearable once Lily and the gang started doing their thing.

Crossing Jordan (Weekday Afternoons, Start TV)

On this crime show, Jill Hennessy played Jordan, a coroner who investigated crimes for some reason. This was one of those overly quirky crime shows that aired in the aughts, so naturally Jordan has a crew of odd co-workers and a potential boyfriend played by Jerry O’Connell. Fortunately, Miguel Ferrer was also on the show, lending it all some much needed gravitas.

I watched two episodes on Wednesday. In the first one, Jordan researched the darkest corners of the internet. (GASP!) It was interesting to watch, just because the episode was made before Twitter and Facebook really became things. This was followed by an episode in which Jordan investigate the death of corporal who had gone AWOL from Afghanistan. Crossing Jordan was always at its worst when it tried to be political.

Considering how annoying I found this show to be, both during its original run and in reruns, I’m kind of surprised I watched two episodes. Was I just too lazy to change the channel? It’s possible.

CSI: Miami (Weekday Mornings, Charge!)

I don’t care what anyone says. Between David Caruso putting on the sunglasses and Emily Proctor’s Southern accent, CSI: Miami was the best of the various CSIs. I watched two episodes on Thursday. The first one dealt with a man who died at a race track and it was okay but kind of forgettable. The second one dealt with the mysterious world of the internet and there’s nothing I love more than when CSI: Miami explores the dark web! While the team explored the internet, Horatio protected his niece from a killer and did that thing where he delivered one-liners in an extremely serious voice. It was fun!

Dennis The Menace (Weekday Afternoons, Antenna TV)

Dennis the Menace? More like Dennis the sociopath! I watched two episodes on Tuesday. When Dennis wasn’t harassing Mr. Wilson, he was making everyone else’s life a living Hell. GO AWAY, YOU LITTLE BRAT!

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

Getting to discover old shows like this is one of the truly fun things about our annual horrorthon at TSL.

General Hospital (Weekday Afternoons, ABC)

Oh my God, Sonny might still be alive! On Friday, I watched this show for the first time in months and I was immediately reminded of why I love General Hospital, despite the fact that I find the title to be misleading. The show features nonstop drama, much of it revolving around gangsters named Sonny who know how to fake their own death.

Ghost Whisperer (Weekday Mornings, Start TV)

As I’ve written in the past, I love Ghost Whisperer! The episode that I watched on Wednesday featured a ghost leading Melinda to a munitions dump that was full of unexploded bombs. I don’t believe in ghosts but, if they did exist, I would hope they would be willing to confide in me as easily as they do Melinda.

I Dream of Jeannie (Weekday Afternoons, Antenna TV)

I watched two episodes of this old show on Tuesday, while I was doing some work around the office. The first episode featured Jeannie’s sister trying to steal away Major Nelson. The 2nd featured a con artist (played by Milton Berle) trying to outsmart Jeannie! Oh no! The 2nd episode took place in Hawaii, which was nice. I loved visiting Hawaii.

Hazel (Weekday Mornings, Antenna TV)

Hazel is an old sitcom about a live-in maid who insists on trying to run everyone’s life. On Tuesday, I had the TV in the office tuned to Antenna TV and, as a result, two episodes of Hazel served as background noise while I worked. In one episode, Hazel’s employer was convinced that the neighbors were interfering with his TV reception. In the second episode, Hazel came to the defense of a friend who was accused of being a corporate spy. I felt bad for Hazel, who apparently didn’t have much of a life outside of work.

Knight Rider (Weekday Afternoons, Charge!)

I’ve often heard of this old show but Thursday was the first time that I ever watched an episode. In fact, I watched two episodes. Youngish David Hasselhoff driving a car that talks in the voice of Mr. Feeney? What’s not to love!? Actually, to be honest, it seemed like the type of show that would get pretty boring once the novelty wore off. The car was cool, though. The first episode featured the Hoff and the car saving a building from detonation. The second found the Hoff driving the car in a race and protecting a journalist. In both cases, everything turned out for the best.

McHale’s Navy (Weekday Mornings, Antenna TV)

This was an old sitcom about a bunch of sailors in the Navy. It was obviously made at a time when America was not at war because you wouldn’t trust any of these people to be able to handle a combat situation. Ernest Borgnine played the McHale of the title. I had the show on for background noise while I was doing some work around the office on Tuesday. Antenna TV aired two episodes but I didn’t pay much attention to either one. One featured a chimpanzee. The other featured McHale trying to run a beauty contest. Ernest Borgnine seemed to be having fun.

Medium (Weekday Afternoon, Start TV)

Medium was the serious version of Ghost Whisperer, starring Patricia Arquette instead of Jennifer Love Hewitt. It will always be interesting to me that Patricia basically spent the first decade of this century starring in Medium and filming Boyhood on the weekends. Anyway, Medium was always a bit too dour for me but Patricia Arquette and Jake Weber both gave good performance every week that the show aired. It was a show for grown-ups, one that unfortunately aired when I was anything but.

Start TV always shows Medium after Ghost Whisperer, which makes it impossible not to compare the two shows. On Wednesday, I watched an episode in which Patricia developed a sensitivity to light. She started wearing sunglasses but whenever she put them on, everyone that she saw would have a number on their head that states how many days they have left to live. AGCK! Actually, by Medium standards, this was a fun episode.

Moone Boy (Sunday Night, PBS)

PBS’s airing of Moone Boy came to a touching end with two final episodes on Sunday. The first featured Dessie trying to open a Catholic book shop. It soon became popular with people of all religions, including Scientologists! The second episode featured the death of Martin’s grandfather and the return of his grandfather’s imaginary friend, George Gershwin (played by Paul Rudd). It was the a very, very sweet episode, one that took an honest but humorous look at aging, maturing, and death. The final scene brought tears to my mismatched eyes, What a good show! I’m glad I got to see it.

Open All Hours (Sunday Night, PBS)

I didn’t really pay much attention to this episode but I’m pretty sure a dog ordered Granville to go on a rampage. I’m a little bit worried about Granville, to be honest. He seems to let things get to him.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

You can read my thoughts on the latest episode of Survivor here!

Talking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

Talking Dead was a bit bland this week, which was a shame considering how good the latest episode of The Walking Dead was. For the record, the guests were superfan Yvette Nicole Brown and, via satellite, Lauren Ridloff.

That Girl (Weekday Afternoons, Antenna TV)

On Tuesday afternoon, I had the TV in the office tuned to Antenna TV, largely because I had a lot of work to do and retro sitcoms are often the perfect background noise. Among the shows that aired were two episodes of That Girl, which is a show that I had heard of but never watched before. Marlo Thomas plays Anne Marie, an actress. I appreciated the fact that Anne and I share a middle name.

Anyway, I didn’t really pay much attention to the two episodes that aired. I had a lot of work to get done. The first episode featured Anne dealing with a potential audit from the IRS and it was nice to see that people in the 70s hated the IRS as much as I hate them right now. The second episode featured Anne Marie trying to encourage a singer who was planning on becoming a nun. In both cases, everything worked out for the best.

Three’s Company (Weekday Afternoons, Antenna TV)

I watched two episodes of this very 70s sitcom on Tuesday. I should admit that I only had it on for background noise while I was finishing up some work so I didn’t pay much attention to it. I’ve seen a few episodes of this show over the year and I’ve never really seen the appeal. I’m just like, “Just explain what really happened and get on with your life!”

Anyway, the first episode features James Cromwell — yes, that James Cromwell — as a vice cop who thought Chrissy was a prostitute so he came back to the apartment to arrest her but Jack thought he was just a jerk so he punched him and then Cromwell tried to arrest everyone but then Mr. Roper said that Jack was gay so Cromwell let him go because it would be too embarrassing to admit that he got punched out by a gay guy. God, that was exhausting. This was followed by an episode where everyone thought the apparently asexual Mr. Roper was having an affair because every character on the show was an idiot.

Unforgettable (Weekday Afternoon, Start TV)

On this show, Poppy Montgomery played a detective who had the ability to remember every single thing she had ever seen or heard. It was a really interesting premise and Poppy Montgomery was a good series lead but the show was never as interesting as it should have been. The episode I watched on Wednesday featured Poppy and Dylan Walsh transporting a witness down to Florida. It was a pretty basic show but Poppy and Dylan had an enjoyable chemistry.

The Walking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

This week’s episode was pretty good and I wrote about it here!

The Young and the Restless (Weekday Afternoons, CBS)

After having not watched the show for a month, I watched Friday’s episode. There was a lot of talking. Mariah and Tessa were debating whether or not start a family. Victoria and Nick’s rivalry was threatening to ruin a wedding. As usual, there were a lot of restless people on the show. I enjoyed it. I like watching attractive, rich people argue.

In conclusion …. actually, this post is already over 2,000 words long so we probably don’t need a conclusion. It was a good week!

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Another Son of Sam (dir by Dave A. Adams)

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, his friends call him Another Son of Sam

But his real name is Mister Earl….

Actually, his real name is Harvey. Let’s make that clear right now. Despite it’s title, Another Son of Sam has next to nothing to do with the Son of Sam. Instead, this zero-budget, North Carolina-shot exploitation film is about a mental patient named Harvey who, having been traumatized by his mother, escapes from the hospital and goes on a rampage at a nearby college. This film was first shot in 1975, under the name Hostages. However, it couldn’t actually secure a release until 1977, when it was retitled Another Son of Sam.

Another Son of Sam is difficult to summarize, not because it’s particularly complex but, instead, because close to nothing actually happens. Even though it’s only 70 minutes long, there’s really only enough plot for about five minutes. However, because I do like to maintain a certain minimum word count when it comes to my reviews, I guess I better find something to say about this film.

It opens with a lengthy sequence of police Lt. Setzer (Russ Dubuc) enjoying a weekend at the lake. The lake is never really mentioned again but some of the shots of the boat skimming the water are so nicely done that you can’t help but think that the film should have dropped the whole escaped killer thing and instead just focused on Setzer’s weekend. After leaving the lake, Lt. Setzer goes to a bar and enjoys a performance from singer Johnny Charro! Charro, who was and is something of a local celebrity in Charlotte, North Carolina, is credited as playing himself. He sings an endless song, one that is repeated several time throughout the film. Whenever anyone turns on a radio, there’s Johnny Charro!

Meanwhile, crazy old Harvey kills an orderly, escapes from a mental hospital, and hides out on a college campus. Luckily, Lt. Setzer just happens to be investigating an unrelated case at the college! Once Setzer realizes that there’s a killer on campus, he calls out the SWAT team! The SWAT team searches for Harvey but, because they all kind of suck at their job, Harvey kills a few of them.

And that’s pretty much the entire film.

Now, there’s a lot of negative things you can say about Another Son of Sam. None of the characters are memorable. The acting is risible. The pace is so slow that 70 minutes feels more like 70 hours. However, I would like to take a moment to focus on two things that work surprisingly well.

First off, director Dave Adams (who was apparently a stuntman making his directorial debut) purposefully avoids showing us Harvey’s face. Instead, we see his hands when he’s committing a murder and his eyes when he’s watching a potential victim. The many shots of Harvey’s eyes, glaring out from the darkness, are actually effectively creepy. By not showing us his face, Adams allows Harvey to remain an unknowable force of evil. This is not one of those films where the audience is meant to sympathize or identify with the killer and I appreciated that.

Secondly, the film does this weird thing where the scene will suddenly freeze but we’ll still hear the sounds of people talking or walking down a hallway or listening to Johnny Charro or whatever else they were doing before the scene froze. Apparently, this is because Adam shot the film using short ends and, as a result, the camera would often run out of film in the middle of a scene. However, even if it wasn’t deliberate on the part of the director, the freeze frames actually do improve the film. Along with creating a properly surreal viewing experience, they also remind us of just how unpredictable life can be and how quickly it can end. One minute, you’re taking a shower or you’re talking about your plans for Spring Break. The next minute, you’re frozen in place as all of your plans come to a perhaps permanent halt. The freeze frames may have been the result of incompetence but they still work.

And it’s good that something works in Another Son of Sam because this is an otherwise unfortunate film. I say that as someone who actually has a weakness for grainy, low-budget, amateur movies. I liked the lake, the freeze frames, the eyes, and Johnny Charro. But once the film hit 30 minutes, my mind was wandering.

One interesting note: the film opens with a list of mass murders, starting with Jack the Ripper and ending with David Berkowitz. It makes the point that most of the killers were never caught and, even if they were, their motivations were never understood. One of the killers they mention as having never been caught is “Seattle Ted.” This, of course, was a reference to Ted Bundy, who would be captured two years after the release of Another Son of Sam.

Ladies and gentleman …. JOHNNY CHARRO!

Book Review: Execution of Innocence by Christopher Pike

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

*sigh*

I was super excited when I came across a copy of the 1997 Christopher Pike novel, Execution of Innocence, in my collection of used paperbacks. Along with R.L. Stine, Christopher Pike was one of the kings of YA horror and suspense literature in the 1990s. In fact, his books were often a bit more macabre than even Stine’s. If Stine killed off four people in a book, Pike would probably kill off 8. I was looking forward to reading Execution of Innocence. Just the title alone promised all sorts of morbid drama! Unfortunately, the book itself doesn’t really live up to the promise of that title.

The book opens with Mary, a teenage girl, sitting in a police department. It turns out that one of her classmates, the wealthy Dick (and that does turn out to be an appropriate name) is dead. The cops thinks that Mary’s boyfriend, Charlie, murdered Dick because he got jealous over Mary and Dick going to the school dance. Charlie, it turns out, is a mechanic from the bad side of town. Mary’s a good girl and Charlie’s a bad boy, and Dick’s dead. And now, Charlie has mysteriously disappeared.

The problem is that Mary swears that she doesn’t remember what happened the night that Dick died. The cops are skeptical, especially when another witness comes forward and declares that Mary threatened to kill Dick herself! Now, Mary has to work with her friend Hannah and prove that she didn’t murder Dick. But what Mary doesn’t realize is that Hannah has secrets of her own….

This is one of those books where describing makes it sound more than it actually is. The mystery of who murdered Dick has the potential to be intriguing but Pike, instead, continually has his characters act in the most illogical and improbable of ways. The reader spends a good deal of the book trying to understand everyone’s possible motives just to discover that the actual motives either don’t make sense in the first place or, in the case of one major character, they feel a bit homophobic. It also doesn’t help that the book attempts to present Charlie and Mary as being some sort of ideal couple when they’re relationship is actually about as toxic as they come. You really can’t help but feel that all of Mary’s friends (and the cops) had a point when they warned her away from the guy.

Execution of Innocence is definitely not first-rate Pike. Try re-reading Monster instead. That’ll give you nightmares!

Book Review: Trejo: My Life of Crime, Redemption, and Hollywood by Danny Trejo

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I sit here, preparing to write a few words about Danny Trejo’s autobiography, I find myself tempted to refer to him as being a “horror star.”

That’s just because it’s October and I’m in a horror mood. The truth of the matter is that Danny Trejo has appeared in all sorts of films. He’s done comedy. He’s done action. He’s done drama. Not surprisingly, given his background, he’s appeared in a ton of crime films. He guest-starred on two episodes of Baywatch. On King of the Hill, he lent his voice to the character of Enrique. He starred as Machete in two movies. And yes, he’s done his share of horror. He was killed by a giant snake in Anaconda. He was killed by Michael Myers (or “Mikey” as Danny’s character called him) in Rob Zombie’s Halloween. He battled both a multi-headed shark and a murderous ghost for SyFy. Danny Trejo has appeared in all sorts of films, to the extent that you never really know where or when he’s going to show up.

That’s something Trejo addresses in his autobiography, which is itself simply called Trejo. He writes about getting asked whether or not he minds appearing in so many B-movie and his reply is that even a B-movie will give people jobs, put food on the table, and perhaps provide some joy to someone who watches it. In another passage, he points out that one bad day on a movie set is still better than the best day in prison. He makes a good point. A lot of movie snobs could learn a lot from Danny Trejo’s attitude.

As for the book, it’s as straight-forward as the actor himself. Trejo talks about his early life of crime, the time he spent in prison, his struggle to get off drugs, his career as a no-nonsense drug counselor, and finally, his current status as a pop cultural icon. Trejo doesn’t hold much back, discussing not only the crimes that he committed when he was young and incarcerated (A lot of the people who love Danny Trejo the character actor would have been terrified of Danny Treo the violent criminal, including myself) but also his subsequent struggles to be a good and responsible father. Maturing is a theme that run through the entire book and Trejo admits that, even as he closes in on his 80th birthday, he’s still learning and growing. What makes the book truly effective is that Trejo never avoids responsibility for his mistakes nor does he attempt to deflect blame. He’s as honest about his sins as he is about his subsequent redemption and it’s that honesty that makes his story so inspiring.

If you’re hoping for a lot of Hollywood gossip, this book might disappoint you. With a few notable exceptions involving Edward James Olmos’s attempts to make a movie about the Mexican Mafia, Trejo focuses on the positive when he discusses his film career. One gets the feeling that he loves his life and he loves his unique place in the entertainment universe. There’s nothing wrong with that. Trejo takes a great deal of joy out of the fact that he’s survived and it’s hard not to share that joy. It’s also hard not to be touched by Trejo’s efforts to keep others from making the same mistakes that he made.

Trejo is a good and inspiring read. Check it out and give thanks for Danny Trejo. He’s a survivor and the world is better for it.

International Horror: Short Night of Glass Dolls (dir by Aldo Lado)

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Short Night of Glass Dolls, an Italian thriller from 1971, opens with the discovery of a body in Prague. American journalist Gregory Moore (Jean Sorel) is found lying in a plaza, his blank eyes staring up at the sky. When he is examined by a doctor, we can hear a heartbeat pounding faintly on the soundtrack but Gregory is still declared dead. At the hospital, he is taken down to morgue and left on a slab until a coroner can get around to opening him up….

The only problem is that, as the heartbeat indicated, Gregory Moore is not dead! Instead, he’s paralyzed. He can’t move or speak but he is alive and he can think. As he waits to be dissected, Moore tries to figure out how he came to be in the situation. He searches through his mind and we search with him. He remembers his lover, Mira (Barbara Bach), who begged him to help her defect. He remembers how she mysteriously vanished and how he worked with Jessica (Ingrid Thulin) and Jacques (Mario Adorf) to investigate her disappearance. Moore’s mind is full of disturbing and surreal images but, as he remembers, it slowly starts to make sense. And yet, even if Moore does eventually figure out what happened to Mira and how he came to be paralyzed, the coroner is still making his way over to Moore’s body….

Because it’s an Italian thriller from the 70s, Short Night of Glass Dolls is often mistakenly referred to as being a giallo. Actually, it’s not. Though the film does have the type of convoluted plot and the stylish imagery that is typically associated with the giallo genre, the film also lacks a black-gloved killer and really, it can’t be a giallo unless you have the unknown killer wearing black gloves. Instead, Short Night of Glass Dolls is a deliberately paced paranoia thriller, one in which Moore uncovers not just a single crazed killer but instead a shadowy conspiracy. It’s also an effective horror film, one that makes good use of Prague’s gothic atmosphere and which is full of haunting imagery. Whether it’s the leering gargoyles that seem to be present on every building or the mysterious chandelier that continually shows up randomly in Moore’s mind, Short Night of Glass Dolls plays out like a cinematic dream. Moore finds himself trapped, both physically and mentally. His body is trapped in the morgue while his mind is trapped in the past.

Director Aldo Lado was always one of the more political of the Italian thriller directors and, not surprisingly, there’s a heavy political subtext to Short Night of Glass Dolls. It’s probably not a coincidence that the journalist, who starts out as being cocky just to eventually discover that he doesn’t understand the world as much as he thinks he does, is an American. It’s also not a coincidence that the film takes place in Prague, which was, at that time, a Communist-ruled city. Prague is portrayed as being a city that is controlled by secret police and secret societies, where no one is allowed to fly free. In the end, Short Night of Glass Dolls is full of secrets.

Horror Film Review: A Quiet Place Part II (dir by John Krasinski)

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

If you had told me, ten years ago, that John Krasinski was destined to go from starring in The Office to being an action star, I would have thought you were crazy.

“John Krasinsi’s going to grow a beard and base his acting career around playing soldiers and CIA analysts? No way! He will always be Jim Halpert,” I would have said, “He smirks at the camera and has an adorable relationship with Pam!”

Of course, I was wrong. After The Office ended, John Krasinki went on to play Jack Ryan for Prime and to star in movies like 13 Hours. And yet, as unexpected as that development may have been, what was even more unexpected was that Krasinski would also direct one of the best horror films of the past five years, 2018’s A Quiet Place. Telling the story of a family trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic world in which the Earth has been invaded by aliens who hunt by sound, A Quiet Place was intense, atmospheric, frightening, and actually rather touching. Though the plot itself may have been a bit familiar (because, seriously, how many movies have there been recently about insect-like aliens destroying civilization?) but Krasinski showed true skill as a director, getting heart-breaking performances out of a cast that included himself and his wife, Emily Blunt.

A Quiet Place was such a success that it was was inevitable that it would be followed by a sequel. Though its original release was delayed by the pandemic, A Quiet Place Part II was finally released in May of this year and it became one of the first successful films of 2021. John Krasinki even taped a special greeting for those who saw the film when it was first released, welcoming them back to the theaters. That really is the most John Krasinski thing imaginable.

As for A Quiet Place Part II, it’s actually two films in one. The first part of the film serves as a prequel, showing us the initial attack and following Lee (John Krasinski) and his family as they flee for safety while the aliens decimate their hometown. It’s an exciting sequence, even if one gets the feeling that it was largely included so that Krasinski could make an appearance despite his character having been killed off during the first film. After the flashback, A Quiet Place Part II picks up where the first film ended. Lee is dead and his widow, Evelyn (Emily Blunt), does everything she can to protect her surviving children, Regan (Millicent Simmonds), Marcus (Noah Jupe), and her newborn baby. Though Regan has figured out that the aliens are themselves vulnerable to sound (specifically, a high-pitched tone), that doesn’t make the aliens themselves any less dangerous. After eventually meeting up with Emmett (Cillian Murphy), an embittered friend from the old days, Evelyn and her family search for other survivors.

A Quiet Place Part II is a simple but efficient thriller, one that recaptures all of the first film’s strengths without making the mistake of adding any new weaknesses. Much like the first film, it’s dominated by suspenseful scenes of survivors trying to make their way through the wilderness without so much as stepping on a twig. As anyone who has ever tried to sneak into their house after being out later than they were supposed to can tell you, walking without making a sound is not as easy as it seems. One of the film’s most harrowing scenes features a character getting his foot caught in a bear trap and his family struggling to free him while also trying to keep him from screaming out in pain.

Wisely, the film resists the temptation to tell us too much about the aliens. All we really know about them is that they hunt by sound and they kill anything they pounce on. And really, that’s all we need to know. At a time when far too many film franchises end up drowning in their own overly complicated mythology, the Quiet Place films keep it simple. The aliens hunt and they kill and they’re frightening specifically because there is no way to understand their motivations. They’re pure chaos, a reminder that our lives are not ruled by rhyme and reason. The aliens, like all existential threats, don’t care that the Earth is inhabited by families or people who have tried to create a safe life for themselves. They exist only to destroy.

It can be argued that A Quiet Place Part II tells essentially the same story as A Quiet Place, with Cillian Murphy’s Emmett replacing Lee. That’s a legitimate point but then again, it could also be argued that a part of the film’s strength is that it doesn’t attempt to complicate things. The aliens are going to remain just as frightening the second time Evelyn and her family flees from them as the first time. Clocking in at a brisk 97 minutes, there’s not a wasted moment or a trace of filler to be found in A Quiet Place Part II. Featuring an excellent turn from the awesome Emily Blunt and good performances from Simmonds and Murphy, A Quiet Place Part II is a sequel that’s worthy of the film that came before it.

The Things You Find On Netflix: No One Gets Out Alive (dir by Santiago Menghini)

Posted on October 1, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

No One Gets Out Alive is a film set in the worst place on Earth. I’m talking, of course, about Cleveland, Ohio.

Still haunted by the death of her mother, Ambar (Cristina Rodlo) has arrived in Cleveland and is looking for a fresh beginning. She hasn’t gotten off to a great start as she’s stuck in a go-nowhere job at a sweatshop. Fortunately, her cousin, Beto (David Barrera), is willing to help Ambar get a better paying job, even though he barely knows her. Unfortunately, Ambar needs a legal ID to get that new job and, as an undocumented immigrant, she doesn’t have one. A co-worker offers to hook her up with a fake ID but it’s going to cost far more money than Ambar has.

As serious as that is, Ambar has an even bigger problem to deal with. She’s recently moved into an apartment. It’s a big apartment in an old building and the only other tenants are two mysterious women from Romania. However, her landlords — Red (Marc Menchaca) and his brother, Becker (David Figiloil) — both seem kind of weird. As Red explains it, Becker is a “little off” but Becker has apparently taken care of Red for his entire life. Personally, I wouldn’t ever rent an apartment from either Red or Becker as they both give off that “sneaking into your apartment and stealing your underwear” vibe but desperate times, I guess.

Even if one could overlook the creepiness of Red and Becker, there’s also the fact that the apartment itself is obviously haunted. Ambar is constantly hearing strange noises and seemingly disembodied conversations. She occasionally sees figures in the shadows. When she takes a shower, a mysterious woman appears on the other side of the shower curtain but promptly vanishes as soon as the curtain is opened. That’s pretty messed up.

But what can Ambar do? She’s in the country illegally so she’s not going to risk calling the police. Beto turns out to be pretty ineffectual. (As a Texan, I appreciated the fact that the movie featured a well-intentioned but thoroughly useless character named Beto.) Maybe in another city, she could find some place better to live but Ambar’s in Cleveland. Haunted pervy death house is as good as anyone can hope for in Cleveland! Ambar is trapped in a place where no one gets out alive.

No One Gets Out Alive is one of those horror films where no one ever seems to turn on the lights. Every single scene in the film is dark and overcast. When Ambar goes outside, the sky is always cloudy. When Ambar returns to her apartment, the lighting is always dim. It creates a properly ominous atmosphere but, at the same time, it also makes it difficult to actually see what’s happening in a few scenes. After a while, the film’s washed-out color scheme and shadowy cinematography goes from being ominous to actually being kind of annoying.

But, if you can overlook or, at least, tolerate the film’s overly drab visual style, No One Gets Out Alive has its effective moments. The apartment building is a nicely creepy location and, even if some of the scares are a bit generic, they still often work. Cristina Rodlo is sympathetic in the role of Ambar and the character’s status as an undocumented immigrant adds an interesting subtext to her being at the mercy of the building’s inhabitants. Without any legal status, there’s nothing she can do once it becomes apparent that Red and Becker have an agenda of their own. Her pursuit of the American dream becomes a nightmare once she realizes that, living in Cleveland without any legal ID, she might as well not exist.

No One Gets Out Alive is one of those films that starts out a bit slow but it improves as it goes. Though I wish someone had turned on the lights, it’s an effective horror film that you can find on Netflix.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #215: Nobody Will Believe You (dir by Damian Romay)

Posted on October 1, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched Nobody Will Believe You (a.k.a. Pretty Little Victim).

Why Was I Watching It?

This was actually my second time to watch Nobody Will Believe You. I also watched it back in July but, for whatever reason, I didn’t review it despite the fact that I enjoyed the film. I guess I must have been busy or sick in July, who knows? Anyway, when I saw that it was going to be airing on the Lifetime Movie Network on Thursday night, I decided to rewatch it so that I could finally get around to writing this review!

What Was It About?

Melanie (Jenna Rosenow) and her daughter, Hannah (Emily Topper), have moved to a new town and, for Hannah, that means starting at a new school! From the very first day, it’s obvious that Hannah is going to struggle to fit in. Hannah may be nice but her classmates definitely are not. The cheerleaders are bitchy. The jocks are toxic. Her best friend is alienated. There’s a mysterious man who occasionally shows up and menacingly waves around a taser. The only good news is that the friendly guidance counselor (John William Wright) wants to hire her to teach his daughter how to play the piano! What could possibly go wrong?

What Worked?

I enjoyed Nobody Will Believe You because it did what every good Lifetime film does. It shamelessly and openly embraced the melodrama. Seriously, every possible thing that could happen to Hannah did happen to Hannah. No sooner was Hannah getting rejected by the cheerleaders then she was saving the most popular girl in school from a falling printer. No sooner had Hannah’s phone been hacked than someone was trying to frame her for murder. It was such a nonstop collection of incidents that it quickly became clear to me that the film was self-aware when it came to its status as a Lifetime film. It understood why the audience was watching and it was determined to give us exactly what we wanted. At its best, the film worked as both a tribute to and a parody of the typical Lifetime movie.

What Did Not Work?

Obviously, for the film’s plot to work, Hannah had to be extremely naïve and trusting. And, let’s be honest, it is true that some people are easily tricked. Not everyone has the streetwise instincts of a suburbanite who has watched several hundred Lifetime films. However, even with that in mind, it was sometimes hard to accept that Hannah could be as totally naïve as she often was. Watching the movie, you sometimes got the feeling that, even if Hannah survived, she was destined to grow up to be one of those people who ends up sending their life savings to Aruba because someone contacted them on Facebook, claiming to be Garrett Hedlund.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

When I was growing up, my family used to move a lot so I definitely could relate to Hannah’s nervousness about having to start all over again at an entirely new school. And, when I was in high school, I got along famously with our guidance counselor. If I hadn’t broken my ankle, maybe he would have asked me to teach his daughter to dance. Of course, if Lifetime films have taught me anything, it’s that being hired to teach anyone anything is automatically going to lead to tragedy.

And of course, that brings us to….

Lessons Learned

Don’t teach. Don’t offer to help anyone. Reject any and all offers of mentorship. It’s just going to lead to trouble.

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Sharktopus (dir by Declan O’Brien)

Posted on October 1, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Half Shark….

Half Octopus….

All Man!

No, wait a minute. That’s not right. Let’s try that again.

Half Shark….

Half Octopus….

All Killer!

There, that’s it! That’s our Sharktopus!

Produced by the legendary Roger Corman, Sharktopus originally aired on the SyFy channel in 2010. It tells the story of S-11, a creature that is half-shark and half-octopus. How exactly did S-11 come to exist? Well, blame the government! The government wanted a new weapon and apparently, it didn’t bother them that the weapon would have no practical use beyond going rogue and killing civilians. Dr. Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts, the one and only) created the sharktopus with the help of his daughter, Nicole (Sara Malakul Lane). When S-11 swims off on its own and starts eating human beachgoers, Nicole teams up with mercenary Andy Flynn (Kerem Bursin). Nicole and Andy think that they’ve been sent to destroy S-11 but it turns out that Nathan has other plans.

Let’s just state the obvious. This is the greatest film ever made. Okay, well …. maybe it’s not the greatest. Some people would probably say that it’s not even that good but I think they’re overthinking things. What it comes down to is that there really aren’t as many films out there about shark/octopus hybrids as you might think. When it comes to this very specific genre of horror films, Sharktopus is the best.

This is a film that understands why the audience is watching. We’re watching because we want to see Sharktopus action! So, while the film does contain its fair share of scenes of Nicole and Andy searching the ocean, the majority of the film is still made up of Sharktopus attacks. You don’t really get to know any of the victims, though I did feel bad for the gentleman who shouted, “Oh no! Not like this!” as he was pulled down to the ocean by S-11’s tentacles, but that’s okay. It’s all about the Sharktopus, a creature that is so ludicrous that it’s impossible not to like it.

Another thing that’s impossible not to like is the fact that Eric Roberts is in this film. The last time I checked, Roberts had a total of 641 acting credits listed on the imdb. He’s appeared in every type of films — from Oscar-nominated prestige films to low-budget faith-based films to Lifetime films to …. well, films like Sharktopus. But regardless of the film, Roberts always seems to be trying his best or, at the very least, he comes across like he’s genuinely amused by the absurdity of it all. Roberts has a lot of fun in Sharktopus, playing his mad scientist character with a twinkle in his eye and a barely suppressed evil smile. Dr. Sands takes genuine pride in his creation and it’s kind of hard not to get caught up in his enthusiasm.

Sharktopus is a fun movie. It’s a low-budget and deeply silly epic and it you can’t enjoy the sight of shark/octopus hybrid creeping across the beach than I don’t know what to tell you. In fact, Sharktopus was popular enough with SyFy audiences that it would return for a whole series of films in which it battled hybrid monsters. Go Sharktopus!

On a final note, keep an eye out for Roger Corman while watching this film. He plays a man on the beach who watches as a treasure seeker is dragged off to the ocean. When he realizes that she dropped a valuable coin while being taken away, Corman walks out on the beach and grabs it for himself. Hopefully, he sold that coin and used the money to go on a nice vacation. If anyone’s earned it, it’s Roger Corman!

Horror Book Review: Who Killed The Homecoming Queen? by R.L. Stine

Posted on October 1, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This 1997 YA novel from R.L. Stine tells the story Tania, Eva, and all of their friends at Shadyside High!

Tania, as we learn in the book’s opening pages, is having the best year of her life! She’s got a hunky stepbrother. She’s got a football player boyfriend. Her movie career is about to be launched because she’s been cast in a high school student film. (Yeah, that didn’t make sense to me either but just go with it.) And, at the big pep rally that starts the book, it’s announced that she’s going to be the homecoming queen! Meanwhile, Eva apparently has psychic abilities that allow her to know if something bad is going to happen. That may sound impressive but the book doesn’t really do much with it.

Of course, life is never as perfect as it seems. Tania may be the most popular girl in school but that doesn’t mean that everyone likes her. In fact, Leslie, one of the defeated homecoming queen finalists, even attempts to push Tania down some stairs! OH MY GOD! Leslie says it was an accident but was it? Later on, when Tania mysteriously disappears, Eva and her friends wonder …. who killed the homecoming queen!? (Of course, that’s assuming Tania is dead. She’s actually just missing so it could be that Eva is getting ahead of herself.) Leslie seems like the obvious suspect but …. OH MY GOD AGAIN, is that Cherise Colby making out with Tania’s boyfriend!? And seriously, why would anyone trust their boyfriend with someone named Cherise Colby?

I love the old R.L. Stine and Christopher Pike books and I’m planning on reading and reviewing a lot of them for October. The main reason I read this particular book was because of the title. I mean, Who Killed The Homecoming Queen is the type of title that you would come up with if you were challenged to come up with the perfect R.L. Stine title. That said, the book itself is pretty anti-climatic. There’s only one death in the book and — surprise! (and spoiler alert, I suppose) — it’s not the homecoming queen! So, as perfect as the title is, it’s kind of a lie. Stine used the title but he didn’t actually use it as the plot of the book, which is strange.

To be honest, though, this book feels like R.L. Stine on autopilot. This is one of the last of the original Fear Street books (though Fear Street itself is not really mentioned in the book) so one gets the feeling that Stine was a bit bored when he wrote it. I was a bit bored when I read it, though I did have to laugh at the obnoxious student filmmakers who insisted on making Eva’s life awkward. Never have a group of supporting characters felt more true to life.

Anyway, fear not! This particular R.L. Stine book may be disappointing but he wrote a lot of books and I’m planning on reading and reviewing a few of the better ones this October!

I mean, who can resist a trip to Fear Street, right?