Tonight’s episode of Ghost Story is full of stars!
Evil grandpa comes to visit his family and, with the help of voodoo cookies (you read that right), he tries to manipulate his deaf and mute granddaughter into helping him kill everyone! Grandpa is played by Melvyn Douglas. His granddaughter is played by Jodie Foster! And the script was written by none other than Robert Bloch and Richard Matheson!
This episode originally aired on November 10th, 1972.
You know things are going to be bad when the 2003 video game adaptation House of the Dead opens with a lengthy narration in which we’re told exactly who is going to die in the film and who is going to live. Narration is usually a bad sign, in general. Narration that gives away a huge chunk of the plot during the opening five minutes is even worse.
Things get worse when we’re told that a bunch of college students need to find a boat so that they can attend the “rave of the century,” which is being held on an isolated island. (The island, by the way, is known as the Island of the Dead but no one seems to be that concerned by the name.) From what we see of the greatest rave of all time, it apparently involves one stage, two speakers, and exactly 8 people dancing. The dancers are often shot in slow motion, which I guess is meant to make them look like they’re having more fun than they actually are. Myself, I’m wondering why anyone would hold the “rave of the century” on an island that no one can find. According to the banner above the stage, the whole thing is being sponsored by Sega, the company behind the House of the Dead video game that gave this movie its name.
Things quickly go downhill once the zombies show up and start killing everyone. It doesn’t take long for most of the disposable characters to get killed. The majority of the film is made up of people either running through the forest or hiding in a house or a boat. Because none of the characters really have any personality, you’re never quite sure who anyone is. Their deaths don’t really register because it never seems as if they were living to begin with. Watching the film, it’s hard not to feel that everyone on the island is a member of the living dead. It’s just that some of them haven’t realized it yet.
As mentioned above, House of the Dead is based on a video game and, frequently, the action is punctuated with heavily pixelated scenes that have been lifted straight from the game. On the one hand, you have to admire the film for being honest about what it is. On the other hand, you have to regret that the film itself is never as much fun as the game probably is.
House of the Dead was one of several video game adaptations that German director Uwe Boll was responsible for in the early aughts. Up until he retired from the film industry, it was regularly argued by online film critics that Boll was the world’s worst director. Boll responded to the criticism by challenging his most vehement critics to a boxing match. A few of the critics accepted the challenge and Boll actually did fight them, knocking all of them out. I imagine that’s probably every filmmaker’s secret fantasy.
Myself, I will say that I don’t think Boll is the worst director in the world. He’s not particularly good but there are worst directors out there. That said, House of the Dead is pretty bad. The dialogue is leaden, the characters are bland, and even the intentional attempts at humor fall flat. Seventeen years after it was first released, it still pretty much represents the nadir of video game adaptations.
Anyway, the main lesson of this film is …. well, I don’t think there really is a lesson to be found, other than that it might be a good idea to take names seriously. I mean, Island of the Dead? Can anyone really be surprised that the zombies showed up?
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
The story of California’s blandest garage band continues. Last week was all about Tiffani getting mad at her mom and surfing. What will this week be about?
Let’s just lie here in the sun until these dreams are done. Actually, how do those lyrics go? I don’t really feel like relistening to theme song to find out.
Episode 1.11 “They Shoot Videos, Don’t They?”
(Directed by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 21st, 1992)
Remember Randi-Jo? Randi-Jo was Matt’s girlfriend. She was incredibly boring but so was Matt. On the show, Randi-Jo appeared in the pilot and then she appeared in the 3rd episode and then she vanished and the viewers even saw Matt dating (or at least trying to date) other women.
In episode 11, Randi-Jo suddenly shows up again! She and Matt are so in love that she gets upset when Matt is supposed to be kissed by a girl in a music video that the Dreams is filming for a music video contest. Randi-Jo ends up dumping Matt’s boring ass and Matt gets all mopey and writes a depressing song. The Dreams then go on to film a music video that looks like every student film ever made. Check out that dark lighting! Check out that emotional close-up! It looks like every bad indie film to ever come out of Austin.
This episode might have been better if Matt and Randi-Jo weren’t such boring characters and if maybe Matt was a little bit less whiny. (“I just need to be alone, okay?” Shut up, Matt.) We do get watch the process by which Matt turns heartbreak into a song and it’s not very impressive. (“Maybe I’m crazy,” Matt sings and I have to admit that I kind of groaned at the realization that Matt Garrison was essentially a 16 year-old version of Michael Bolton.) To be honest, though, Randi-Jo was being a bit unreasonable. People kiss in music videos. Calm down.
Episode 1.12 “The Time”
(Directed by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 28th, 1992)
The Dreams need a tour bus so that they can get to a show that’s several miles away. Sly buys an old VW van, one that is covered with 60s era graffiti and bumper stickers about making love and not war. Jenny freaks out when she finds a Partridge Family cassette in the van. I don’t blame her.
Jenny has other problems, though. She’s gotten back together with her jerky ex-boyfriend, Eric. Eric is charming but self-centered and he doesn’t believe in the Dreams! Soon, Jenny is blowing off rehearsals and actually having a life separate from hanging out with her brother’s band. However, Eric soon proves himself to still be a cad and Jenny returns to the band. Yay, I guess.
This one was okay, if just because every woman has known and dated someone like Eric and it’s good to be reminded that we deserve better. Plus, Jenny got to star in her own black-and-white music video, which was far superior to the video that Matt starred in with his little break-up song.
These two episodes left me feeling mellow.
The 1980 Canadian film, Death Ship, opens with a black freighter ominously sailing across the ocean in the middle of the night. The freighter appears to be deserted but, when a cruise ship appears over the horizon, we suddenly hear disembodied German voices announcing that the enemy is in sight and it’s time to take battle stations. The freighter changes direction and starts to rapidly move straight towards the cruise ship.
On the cruise ship, a really bad comedian named Jackie (played by Saul Rubinek) is telling a series of unfunny jokes. Fortunately, before he can further offend anyone else’s comedic sensibilities. the freighter crashes into the cruise ship and sinks it. The next morning, we see a small group of survivors floating on a piece of debris. There’s the firm and harsh Captain Ashland (George Kennedy), who was on the verge of being forced into retirement before his boat sank. There’s Mrs. Morgan (Kate Reid), the odd religious passenger. There’s Trevor Marshall (Richard Crenna), his wife Margaret (Sally Ann Howes), and their two annoying kids. There’s a guy named Nick (Nick Mancuso) and a woman named Lori (Victoria Burgoyne), who are in love but obviously doomed. And then there’s Jackie. That’s right, Jackie survived! And he’s still telling bad jokes!
Suddenly, the survivors spot the freighter in the distance. Not realizing that it’s the same freighter that previously rammed them, they board the boat and discover that it appears to be totally abandoned. Jackie stands on the deck, encourages everyone to be positive, and makes more jokes. Suddenly, a cable wraps around his ankles, one of the ship’s cranes suddenly moves, and Jackie is tossed back into the ocean. The comedy Gods have spoken.
Anyway, once Jackie is no longer around to make them laugh, the cruise ship survivors set about going crazy. It’s not that difficult to do because it turns out that not only is the freighter full of ghosts but the ship’s engine is fueled by pure hate. That means that one passengers takes a shower just to have the water turn to blood. Another makes the mistake of watching an old movie and eating a cursed piece of hard candy. Yet another ends up getting tossed into the gears of the ship and loses an arm.
Meanwhile, Captain Ashland stumbles around the ship and hears voices telling him that the ship is now his. After Ashland discovers and then puts on an old officer’s uniform, he declares that he’s in charge of the freighter and then he proceeds to try to kill everyone else on the ship. Captain Ashland is possessed and there’s not even anyone on the boat who can make a joke about it.
Death Ship is a dumb but crudely effective movie. This is one of those films where everyone could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by sticking together as a group instead of splitting up to search the freighter but it’s not like you’re watching a movie called Death Ship because you’re looking for a coherent narrative or anything. The main reason you’re watching is so you can see George Kennedy get possessed and go crazy. Fortunately, George Kennedy was just the type of character actor who you could depend upon to act the hell out of getting possessed. There’s not a hint of subtlety to be found in Kennedy’s performance and, if nothing else, that certainly makes him entertaining to watch. Kennedy attacks this role with the ferocity of a cheetah pouncing on a gazelle in a nature documentary. He basically grabs hold of the film and snarls at the rest of the cast, “This is my movie! If you steal a scene from me in your dreams, you better wake up and apologize!” It’s fun to watch.
The same can be said about Death Ship, which is a totally over-the-top movie but which, thanks to Kennedy’s performance and a few atmospheric shots of the freighter, is also far more entertaining than it has any right to be.
Based on a true story!
(Or maybe not. Actually, probably not…)
This 1979 film tells the story of George and Kathy Lutz (James Brolin and Margot Kidder), a young married couple who move into a big house in Amityville, New York. George and Kathy are having financial trouble so it’s good thing that they were able to find such a nice house at such a low price. Of course, it’s possible that the house was cheap because it was built on a native burial ground. Plus, the previous owners were murdered by their son, who later claimed that he was possessed by evil spirits. The house has a less than savory history but then again, what house doesn’t?
Anyway, strange things start to happen as soon as the Lutzes move in. Noxious black liquid floods the plumbing. Crosses are turned upside down. Their priest (Rod Steiger) gets violently ill when he attempts to bless the house. George starts to act weird, getting angry at strange moments and walking around with an ax. Kathy’s daughter from a previous marriage says that she’s made a new imaginary friend named Jodie and, apparently, Jodie doesn’t like George or her babysitter. Flies swarm through the house and weird noises are heard in the middle of the night. Kathy has nightmares. George screams, “I’m coming apart!” Even the family dog seems to be worried about the house, especially after a secret room is discovered in the basement.
Could the house be possessed!? Is a terrible, other worldly evil trying to destroy the George and Kathy? Will the Lutzes be able to escape and hopefully make a lot of money by selling their story? Watch the film and find out. And, if for some reason, you can’t watch this film, you can watch one of the dozen or sequels or maybe even the remake…
The original Amityville Horror was based on a book that claimed to tell the true story of the Lutzes. For the record, it is generally agreed that Ronald DeFeo murdered his family in Amityville, New York and that George and Kathy Lutz later moved into the DeFeo house. It’s also known that the Lutzes left the house after 30 days. The Lutzes claimed that the house was possessed. Others said that the Lutzes left because they couldn’t afford the house payments. Regardless of why the Lutzes actually left, the book that claimed to tell their story was a best seller.
As for the film adaptation, The Amityville Horror is frequently described as being a classic of horror cinema. However, I have to admit that, whenever I’ve tried to watch it, I’ve always ended up giggling after the first ten minutes or so. Some of that is because the film is such a blatant rip-off of The Exorcist, right down to including a bratty child with a invisible friend and a troubled priest who struggles with his faith. Just as The Exorcist featured Linda Blair throwing up on Max von Sydow and Jason Miller, The Amityville Horror seems to take a good deal of unsavory delight in tormenting Rod Steiger. From the minute he first shows up, the house really has it out for him. He gets swarmed by flies. He gets physically ill. His car stops working on him. It’s like, seriously, just leave Rod Steiger alone!
(Interestingly, Don Stroud plays Steiger’s protegee and their relationship is largely reminiscent of the relationship between Father Merrin and Father Karras in The Exorcist. Later, a police detective shows up and acts exactly like Lee J. Cobb’s Detective Kinderman. Val Avery, who plays the detective, even bears a resemblance to Lee J. Cobb. Considering just how successful The Exorcist was, it’s not surprising that the Amityville Horror would be influenced by it but, again, it’s still hard not to be a little bit amazed at just how blatant a rip-off Amityville really is.)
When the film isn’t tormenting Steiger, it’s concentrating on George going crazy. Unfortunately, as played by James Brolin, George seems to be in a permanently cranky mood even before he and Kathy move into their new home. Once the Lutzes movie into the house you find yourself wondering if George is possessed or if he’s just a jerk? Sometimes, it’s hard to tell. One thing is for sure: shortly after moving into the house, George becomes absolutely obsessed with chopping firewood and polishing his ax. I know the sight of Brolin with that axe is supposed to be ominous and scary but I have to admit that I started to laugh every time he started chopping away. Far more convincing was Margot Kidder in the role of Kathy but the film really didn’t give her much to do other than scream and worry about why her husband was always in such a sour mod.
Anyway, the most interesting thing about The Amityville Horror is that this rather slow and derivative film was such a box office success that it’s been followed by 20 sequels and one remake! Someday, when I’m feeling really, really brave, I’ll get around to reviewing all of the Amityville films. Until then, I leave you with George Lutz and his beloved ax.
The 1994 film, The Crossing, tells the story of two teenage friends. Jason (Kevin Downes) and Matt (David A.R. White) used to be cheerful juvenile delinquents. But now, Matt is dying of what appears to be leukemia and Jason …. well, Jason’s in denial. Jason does not want to admit that his best friend is going to die. But then his best friend does die and Jason really doesn’t have any choice to admit it. But then, at Matt’s funeral, Matt suddenly shows up and starts talking to Jason.
That’s right …. MATT’S BACK!
Unfortunately, Matt’s only back for a little bit and only Jason can see him. Having died, Matt has not only witnessed Heaven but also discovered that it’s really difficult to get in. He takes Matt to a heavenly court where they watch as another one of their friends is condemned to Hell by a sympathetic but firm-handed judge. Matt also visits the big computer room where all of the records are kept. He’s given a big dot-matrix printout that lists all of his sins. There’s a lot of them!
However, Jason tells Matt that there’s still hope for him and then invites him to come check out Heaven. They just have to walk over a wooden cross that is used as bridge between Purgatory and Heaven. Underneath the bridge is Hell and no one wants to go down there. However, no sooner have Matt and Jason crossed over than Jason notices that his mother is following them! And she can’t see the bridge! Uh-oh!
The Crossing is an early example of the Christian scare film, where the main message is that, if you displease God, you’ll go to Hell and suffer for all eternity. Obviously, that’s a very cinematic message and these films always seem to spend a good deal of time in trying to find new ways to visualize Hell. That said, I’ve always felt like that message was a bit counter-productive. Instead of emphasizing what Jesus preached and what the Church is supposed to stand for (even if it rarely lives up to its own standards), these films instead seem to say, “Convert or we’ll punish you forever.” People will do a lot of things under the threat of eternal pain and damnation but I’m a bit skeptical as to how sincere any of those actions will be. Indeed, many evangelical films seem to take a bit too much pleasure in imagining people being condemned to Hell. There’s definitely an element of, “You think you’re so smart but we’ll get the last laugh!” to these films. That’s not exactly the best attitude.
That said, The Crossing is slicky produced and it gets a lot of mileage out of its low budget. The scene in the computer room actually had a few intentional laughs as Matt marveled at how business-like and matter-of-fact all the record keepers were. They were just doing their jobs with an attitude that said, “We’ve seen things you can’t even imagine.” Who wouldn’t want that job? Still, one has to wonder why Matt got to go see all of this and change his life but his friend who was condemned to Hell didn’t. That doesn’t seem quite fair.
On tonight’s episode of Ghost Story, Pamela Franklin plays two roles. She plays both Christina Burgess and Lisa (hey!), the twin sister who Christina has never met. When Lisa mysteriously dies (boooo!), Christina finds herself haunted by her sister’s ghost. But is the ghost benevolent or is the ghost seeking revenge?
Co-written by Richard Matheson, this episode originally aired on November 3rd, 1972.
Sitting out of the middle of nowhere, there’s a house. And in this house, there lives an old man and an old woman. They appear to be very friendly, the type who will happily open up their home to anyone needing a place to stay and have a cup of coffee. They make dolls for a living. They make the type of dolls that smirk at you whenever you trip and that glare at you whenever you say that you don’t care about toys. They’re living dolls and they’re actually kind of vicious. Don’t get on their bad side.
That is exactly the mistake that a few people make when they arrive at the house on one stormy night. Two punk rock girls with exaggerated British accents make the mistake of trying to find something to steal. Uh-oh, here come the dolls! A self-centered man and his wife make the mistake of not caring about their daughter. The dolls aren’t going to stand for that! Seriously, the dolls may be cute but if they don’t like you, you are doomed!
The dolls, however, do like the daughter. And they appear to be willing to tolerate Ralph, the goofy traveling salesman who made the mistake of picking up the two punk rock girls while they were hitchhiking. Will the dolls continue to like the daughter and Ralph or will they eventually turn on everyone in the house? They may be small but again, you seriously do not want to get these dolls mad.
First released in 1986, Dolls is a seriously strange movie from director Stuart Gordon and producer Charles Band. There’s a lot of good things to be said for Dolls. The house is atmospheric. The dolls are truly creepy. The acting really isn’t that bad, though I do think most viewers won’t necessarily miss the two punks girls. The movie does take the characters and the dolls in some unexpected directions. But the movie’s tone is all over the place. It starts out as a broad comedy before then turning into a surprisingly violent and bloody horror film and then it turns into this strangely macabre family drama. The movie can’t seem to decide whether it wants you touch your heart or scar your soul. Imagine Home Alone if the movie kept all the heart-warming stuff but then had the kid brutally kill the burglars and laugh while stuffing their corpses in a furnace and you have some idea of what the tone of Dolls is like.
It’s an odd film but it’s hard not to like. Stuart Gordon’s direction is energetic and, since the movie only has a running time of 77 minutes, the whole thing feels like an extra weird episode of Tales From The Crypt or The Twilight Zone. Even the film’s mix of humor and disturbing violence feels strangely appropriate, as if the film itself is an adaptation of a particularly grisly fairy tale.
Watch Dolls and you’ll never look at a toy the same way again!
Aging sucks!
I mean, let’s just be honest about that. No one wants to get older. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks to themselves, “Yay! I’m one day closer to death!” People do not celebrate the appearance of a wrinkle or a laugh line. No one is happy when their vision gets blurrier or when they start to ache more and more frequently. No one wants to get old! That’s a simple truth and it’s the truth that is at the heart of the 1958 film, The Wasp Woman.
Directed by B-movie maestro Roger Corman, The Wasp Woman tells the story of Janice Starlin (Susan Cabot). Janice owns a cosmetic company. She’s made a fortune helping people defy their age. Unfortunately, the company’s sales are down because Janice herself cannot defy the passage of time. She’s looking older and apparently, people across the world are saying, “Why would I buy makeup for a mortal? I only buy my makeup from ageless mythological goddesses, who never age.”
So, Janice does what anyone would do. She tries to find a way to stop herself from getting old. When she discovers that a scientist is experimenting with using the enzymes from the royal jelly of a queen wasp to reverse the aging process, she agrees to fund his work. However, she has one condition. She has to be the test subject …. which, now that I think about it, makes absolutely no sense. Surely Janice could hire someone else to be the test subject before undergoing a highly experimental and unproven scientific process herself. I mean, Janice is extremely wealthy! Or maybe Janice could just hire a model to be the new face of her company. Or she could retire and take her millions to Europe and spend the rest of her life living in luxury. My point is that it seems like Janice is acting a bit impulsively here.
Anyway, Dr. Eric Zinthrop (Michael Mark) reluctantly agrees to Janice’s demands. He really needs the money, I guess. And if Janice dies, it’ll just means that he’ll probably go to prison for life. He certainly won’t ever be allowed to experiment with any more wasps. Is anyone in this movie capable of thinking ahead?
At first, the experiments seem to work. After one weekend, Janice looks 20 years younger! However, there is an unfortunate side effect. Janice occasionally transforms into a wasp/human hybrid! Uh-oh! That’s not good….
Clocking in at barely 70 minutes, The Wasp Woman is an entertainingly daft movie. As I’ve already pointed out, this is one of those movies where so much drama could be avoided if people would just consider the possible consequences of their actions. That said, the pace is fast and Susan Cabot is enjoyably bitchy in the role of Janice. The Wasp Woman costume manages to be both ludicrous and effective at the same time. Laugh? Scream? Why not do both!?
In the end, this is a silly but entertaining movie. If nothing else, it proves that sometimes it’s best just to accept that no one stays young forever.
One final note: This film has a great poster, even if it is totally misleading.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
The Cast of One World
When we last checked in with One World, Jane was dating Ben’s no good brother and Ben was dating a recovering alcoholic named Alex. How much drama will this all lead to? Let’s find out. After all, we’re living in one world….
Episode 1.11 “The Thanksgiving Show”
(Directed by Chuck Vinson, originally aired on November 28th, 1998)
The holidays are approaching and the Blakes are a family divided.
Cray is heading to Disneyland with a previously unmentioned friend, “Bobby DeVito.” (I assume he’s a mix of Robert De Niro and Danny De Vito.) Ben and Marci are throwing a charity benefit for the homeless at Miami’s hottest under-21 club, The Warehouse. Offended that Ben is only using his benefit to promote his music career, Neal is planning on giving out food to the homeless on his own. Meanwhile, Sui is waiting to hear whether or not she’s gotten a try-out with the U.S. Olympic team and Jane is worrying that the Blakes won’t have the type of big, traditional Thanksgiving that she’s always secretly wanted.
Sui’s an Olympic-class athlete? Where did that come from? And Jane is secretly obsessed with turkey and yams? Again, it kind of comes out of nowhere. But you know what? This was actually a pretty effective episode and both Michelle Krusiec (as Sui) and Arroyn Lloyd (as Jane) gave good performances that convinced the viewer that yes, Sui could go to the Olympics and yes, under her tough exterior, Jane actually could be a lover of big family holidays. And even if the benefit storyline was a bit heavy-handed, it was still heartfelt and sincere. Sitcoms are kind of notorious for bad holiday episodes but One World did a pretty good job as far as Thanksgiving was concerned.
This episode ended with a cliffhanger as Sui was injured in an auto accident. How would this effect her Olympics dreams? The answer was in the very next episode.
Episode 1.12 “The One Where Sui and Alex Walk”
(Directed by Chuck Vinson, originally aired on December 5th, 1998)
Sui returns from the hospital and, saying that rehab hurts too much, she abandons her Olympics dreams. But then, for some odd reason, Cray decides that he wants to play the harp and Sui figure that if Cray can handle everyone in the world laughing at him, she can handle the pain.
Actually, I know that sounds like I’m being snarky but this was a pretty good episode and the entire cast really delivered, even when the dialogue got a bit heavy-handed. Speaking as someone who has broken her ankle more than a few times, this episode did a very good job of capturing the fear and uncertainty that comes from recovering from a major injury.
Meanwhile, Alex left Ben because it was totally obvious that he’s in love with Jane. And Jane left Bryan because it was totally obvious that Jane only liked Bryan because he shared Ben’s DNA. Now that they’re both single, will Ben and Jane get together?
We’ll find out next week!
Through the Shattered Lens 