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Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.20 “The Older Woman”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, things get even dumber than usual.  Forever summer!

Episode 1.20 “The Older Woman”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on April 11th, 1999)

Tracyee wants to try to out for the Lakers cheerleading squad.  Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of sharing her plans with Samantha and Stads, both of whom are morally offended that Tracyee would actually want to do something that could bring her 1) a steady income and 2) the fame that she’s desperately been searching for since this show started.  Stads and Sam both declare cheerleading to be sexist and degrading.  However, when they find out that the auditions will be televised, they decide to try out so that they can denounce the Lakers on television.

(Of course, unless the try-outs are being aired live, it’s probable that anything Samantha or Stads said would have been edited out of the program.  Add to that, it doesn’t seem to occur to either one of them that they would also probably be ruining Traycee’s chance of making the squad as well.)

Now, I should point out that this is just the B-story.  Only a few scenes are devoted to Murray training Sam, Stads, and Traycee before their try-outs.  In the end, Murray is such a good coach that he’s the one hired for the cheerleading squad.  The most (and really the only) interesting thing about this B-story is that it shows just how unlikeable and one-dimensional both Sam and Stads became as the first season progressed.  There’s really no reason for them to even involve themselves in Traycee’s quest to become a Lakers Girl.  Traycee indicates that she knows that it’s all sexist and exploitive but — and this is key — she doesn’t care.  As soon as Traycee indicates that she doesn’t care, that’s the signal for Stads and Sam to back off.

(One of the consistent things about all of the teen sitcoms produced by Peter Engel was that feminists, whether they were Jessie Spano on Saved By The Bell or Julie on Hang Time, were always portrayed as being shrill, humorless, and, worst of all, hypocritical.)

As for the main plot — hey, it’s stupid too!  In fact, it’s both stupid and creepy!  Peter has hired a graphic artist named Laura (Odile Corso) to redesign the restaurant’s menus.  Peter seems to like Laura and Jason decides that he’s going to help his father get laid.  (He doesn’t put it that way but that’s still the general idea.)  However, while Jason is trying to convince his father to ask out Laura, Laura decides to ask out Jason.

This is a bit awkward, seeing as how Jason is supposed to be a high school student!  Even worse, the episode ends with Peter explaining that Laura was too young for him and suggesting that Jason should have asked her out.  Again, why would a successful and attractive woman in her mid-to-late 20s want to date a shallow high school student who works in his father’s restaurant?  This is not the first time that I’ve wondered if this show’s writers remembered that Jason and Scott were established, at the start of the season, as being high school students.  Then again, even if Jason wasn’t a high school student, he would still be a sociopathic nepo baby so maybe Laura just has bad taste in general.  As for Peter, he ends up dating a dentist, who is played by Deborah Shelton (who, in presumably better times, had a key role in Brian DePalma’s Body Double).

This was a dumb episode, even by the standards of Malibu, CA.

 

FAST-WALKING – James Woods and Kay Lenz light up the screen!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

One of the first movies I ever watched starring James Woods is COP. It’s a 1988 action thriller about a police detective on the trail of a serial killer. I really enjoyed the movie, which was directed by James B. Harris. Harris is a producer and director whose various credits include THE KILLING (1956), PATHS OF GLORY (1957), LOLITA (1962) and TELEFON (1977, with Charles Bronson). Harris also directed James Woods in a movie from 1981 called FAST-WALKING. 

FAST-WALKING is about a prison guard named Frank “Fast-Walking” Minniver. He loves to smoke pot and dream about a future life in a beautiful part of Oregon. In order to make that move, though, he needs to make some money. When a black revolutionary named William Galliot is transferred to his prison, he finds himself with some options, as he receives offers of money from two different sides. On one side is his cousin Wasco, a prison trustee who offers Fast-Walking $25,000 to kill the revolutionary as part of a staged prison race riot. On the other side is Galliot’s own people who offer him a bag of money containing $50,000 if he’ll help Galliot escape. The biggest obstacle to taking the bigger payday is that Wasco threatens to kill Fast-Walking’s lady love Moke, if he doesn’t make the right choice.

The cast is phenomenal in FAST-WALKING beginning with James Woods as the title character. In his best roles, Woods is somewhat morally ambiguous, and we hope he makes the right decisions at the end. This definitely fits that mold. Kay Lenz was sexy as hell as Moke. We’re not supposed to be sure if she’s just using Fast-Walking or if she truly loves him. She plays that balance well. In a surprising turn of events, M. Emmet Walsh gives the most memorable performance of his career, and it doesn’t have a thing to do with his acting. Rather, he does a full frontal nude scene. I’d like to forget this performance, but it’s burned into my psyche at this point. Tim McIntire was the revelation to me, though, as Fast-Walking’s inmate cousin Wasco. This is the only role I really know him from, and he absolutely nails it. The fate of his character is one of the most satisfying parts of the entire film. Unfortunately, McIntire would suffer from drug and alcohol addiction and would pass away a few years after completing his role in FAST-WALKING. I can’t help but think there could have been more great performances if his career would have been longer. 

I recommend FAST-WALKING. It’s not a perfect film, but James Woods, Kay Lenz, and Tim McIntire all make it worth watching. 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.1 “Stressed Environment”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, we begin the third season of Monsters!

Episode 3.1 “Stressed Environment”

(Dir by Jeffrey Wolf, originally aired on September 30th, 1990)

The third season of Monsters starts off with the story of an experiment gone wrong.

For twelve years, Dr. Elizabeth Porter (Carol Lynley) has been experimenting with lab rats, trying to help them evolve into a higher form of intelligence.  Her work is supervised by Dr. Robert Winston (Victor Raider-Wexler) and her assistants are the cowardly Keith (Scott Weir) and Gina (Kathleen McCall).  The episode opens with a lengthy (by Monsters standards) scene of Gina undressing and then putting on her special rat feeding uniform while Keith tries to discreetly watch.  It’s a scene that really has little to do with the rest of the episode but I guess the producers of Monsters decided that the best way to survive to a fourth season would be to appeal to teenage boys.

Anyway, Keith’s crush on Gina comes to naught because Gina is killed while trying to feed the rats.  It turns out that the rats have gotten smart.  They’ve gotten smart enough to build crude spears and crossbows and use them as weapons.  Dr. Winston wants to shut the experiment down.  Keith wants to go home.  Elizabeth, however, wants to protect her rats and see if she can convince them to give up their weapons and live in peace.  Dr. Winston points out that if humans can’t convince their own species to do that, how is Elizabeth going to convince a bunch of rats?

And Dr. Winston has a point.  Elizabeth may think that she has a special bond with the rats but the rats disagree.  Soon, Gina is not the only person to have lost their life to an army of spear-carrying rats.  The episode ends with Keith as the sole survivor and his ultimate fate is still up in the air.  The rats are angry, ruthless, and armed.

And cute!

Seriously, this episode probably might have been more effective if the rats themselves have been a bit more frightening but it wouldn’t have been as much fun.  As it is, the use of crude puppets actually made the rats look kind of adorable, especially when they were holding their little spears and setting up their little crossbows.  Of course, one reason why I found the rats to be cute is because I’m used to CGI.  I take CGI for granted.  This episode was made when special effects people still had to use puppets for their monsters and, as a result, the rats don’t really look like rats.  They’re so fake-looking that it’s hard not to like them.  They’re a throw-back to a simpler and more innocent time.

This was actually a pretty entertaining episode and a great way to start season 3!  I appreciated that this episode of Monsters featured actual monsters.  After the uneven batch of episodes that finished up the second season of this show, it’s nice to season 3 starting off on the right foot.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a two-hour special!

Episodes 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

The Love Boat crew is back in Australia, sailing from Sydney to Fiji and back again.  The Captain remembers his time in the Navy and a lost love who he met while serving in the South Pacific.  Julie remembers her love affair with Tony and how he left her at the altar after he discovered that he was dying.  Anthony Andrews, who played Tony, is listed as being a guest star on this episode but he only appears in archival footage.  Tony, we learn, has died but his brother, David (Brendon Lunney), assures Julie that her letters to him provided him with much comfort during his final days.

(David only appears for a minute or two, when Julie visits the animal preserve where Tony worked.  Still, in that minute, he and Julie have so much chemistry that I found myself hoping that David would spontaneously propose to her.)

As for the cruise, the majority of the cabins are populated by the relatives of William Otis Farnsworth (Lloyd Bridges).  Farnsworth is one of the richest men in the world and he’s taking a cruise with his entire family because he wants to see who is truly worthy of inheriting his fortune.  The ship is full of people looking to get rich, including:

  1. Jenny (Moran Fairchild) and Bud Boyer (Grant Goodeve), who are hoping that William will not discover that they’ve recently gotten divorced,
  2. Hazel (Patti MacLeod) and Frank Fransworth (Russell Newman), who hope that Hazel imitating William’s deceased wife will cause William to mention them favorably in his will,
  3. Marcia (Jessica Walter), who was married to William’s brother and who has basically hired gold digger Jessica Halberson (Linda Evans) to seduce and marry William, and
  4. Burl “Gopher” Smith, who thinks that he might be distantly related to William and who, with Isaac’s encouragement, tries to get close to William.  Gopher even calls his mother (Ethel Merman) to find out if he’s a relative.  She’s not much help.

Not interested in the money is William’s niece, Eloise (Beth Howland).  Eloise, who is William’s administrative assistant, finds herself falling in love with William’s valet, country boy Wayne Burton (Jim Nabors).  Words cannot begin to express just how annoying Jim Nabors is in this episode.  “Surprise surprise surpise!” Wayne says when he shows up on the boat.  “Golly!” Wayne says when a conscience-stricken Jessica tries to break up with William.  I found myself covering my ears whenever Nabors appeared on screen.

The main problem here is that none of these people are remotely likable.  Not even William Farnsworth is likable.  He’s meant to be likable but really, he comes across as being a judgmental jerk.  When Jessica tries to leave the ship and fly back to Sidney, William reacts by buying every single plane ticket on the island.  Jessica can’t leave but hey …. neither can anyone else!

Far more likable was Melanie (Margaret Laurence), the daughter of the Captain’s former lover, Madeleine.  Melanie is a dead-ringer for her mother and the Captain falls in love with her.  Melanie also falls in love with him.  She proposes marriage.  Awwww!  But then she realizes marrying the Captain would mean abandoning her job as a teacher so she calls the wedding off.  So now, both the Captain and Julie have had their heart broken in Australia.  At least they now have something to bond over.

For a two-hour episode, there really wasn’t much plot to this episode.  It was largely a travelogue.  There were a lot of kangaroos and koala bears and they were certainly cute.  The scenery was lovely.  Otherwise, this was a cruise full of rather unlikable people.  Australia deserved better.

SILENT RAGE – Revisiting the Chuck Norris film from my youth.

Posted on by Bradley Crain

SILENT RAGE is one of those movies that I watched quite a bit as a kid, and I thought it was pretty scary. Fox-16 out of Little Rock played it quite often. We didn’t have cable in Toad Suck so I’d watch whatever movies that were playing, especially if they had action. I’d say my initial interest and appreciation for Chuck Norris began with this film, and I still watch Chuck quite a bit to this day. With that said, I’m not sure I’ve watched SILENT RAGE again since I was a teenager. If I’m going to watch Chuck, I’ll generally watch CODE OF SILENCE, LONE WOLF MCQUADE, MISSING IN ACTION, INVASION USA, THE DELTA FORCE, or even FIREWALKER or HERO AND THE TERROR. But this week, I was browsing through Tubi and saw my childhood friend SILENT RAGE and decided to give it another spin.

SILENT RAGE opens in a wild household. John Kirby (Brian Libby) is awakened from his sleep by a kid wearing a Stormtrooper mask and shooting him with a laser gun. The kid tells Kirby he’s got a phone call. Kirby is clearly not doing well. He’s making strange sounds and his body movements are as funky as hell. Add to this situation, wild kids running around the house and a woman, who I’m guessing is their mom, screaming at them. To say this woman’s voice is annoying as she screams at the kids would possibly be my understatement of 2024. When Kirby answers the phone he tells the unseen doctor on the other end of the line, “I’m losin’ it, Doc! I’m not gonna make it” and he hangs up. I have to admit I’m understanding of Kirby at this point. I’ve only witnessed the activities of that house for a couple of minutes and I’m losin’ it! So in what seems like a reasonable move at the time, Kirby goes outside to the woodpile, grabs an axe, and then walks back into the house and confronts the loud lady. She immediately begins screaming in fear and runs upstairs and locks herself into the bedroom. Her fear scream is probably twice as annoying as her “screaming at kids” voice. Prior to Kirby chopping down the door with his axe, she’s able to scream out the window to a passing mailman for help. Soon after this message to the mailman, Kirby puts the lady, and the audience, out of our collective misery. 

In what is possibly the fastest response time in law enforcement history, a blazer immediately pulls up front and sheriff Dan Stevens (Chuck Norris) emerges from the passenger side. From this point forward, I will disregard his character name and refer to him as Chuck Norris. Every other person will be referred to as their characters’ names. I thought Norris was cool in SILENT RAGE when I was a kid, and I must admit I still think he’s pretty awesome as he calmly walks into the house where John Kirby has just committed multiple murders. After a few minutes, Kirby attacks Norris. The two men scuffle, but Kirby is able to break free and jump out the upstairs window onto the ground and run into the woods. Norris follows and is immediately almost shot by his deputy, Charlie (Stephen Furst). Quick tangent – it may seem strange at first to think of Stephen Furst (Kent Dorfman from ANIMAL HOUSE) as Norris’ deputy, and after watching the film again, I’ll go ahead and agree that it is a strange choice. He basically plays a goofy guy who has no business in law enforcement and that is made abundantly clear throughout the film. Back to the woods we go where Norris, after barely escaping being shot in the head by Charlie, engages in an additional fight with Kirby. He’s able to subdue the murderer and handcuff him. Now in the back of the cop car, Kirby breaks out of his handcuffs, kicks open the door and begins attacking various men with guns. It’s at this point that he’s shot about 14 times. He should be dead at this point, but I do understand for the sake of running time, that there will be additional plot developments. 

These additional plot developments arrive in the form of doctors operating on John Kirby to try to save his life. Fortunately, nature takes its course and Kirby dies, or so we think. It seems that Dr. Phillip Spires (Steven Keats) has a god complex and administers an experimental serum that brings Kirby back to life. Not only that, at the dosage he’s being given, it turns him into an indestructible killing machine. Dr. Tom Halman (Ron Silver) is the voice of reason who tries to convince Dr. Spires to let him die, but to no avail. Dr. Spires is doing this for science and mankind and secretly keeps Kirby alive with Doctor Paul Vaughn (William Finley). The two men think they can control him, but of course they’re wrong. Alive, and now superhuman, Kirby escapes to wreak havoc. And only one man can stop the indestructible, superhuman killing machine, and that man’s name is Chuck Norris.

Just a few additional thoughts before I close. First, Toni Kalem plays Chuck’s love interest, Alison, in the film. His relationship with her does slightly take away from his cool factor as they make love at one point to the cheesiest, corniest 80’s song called “A Time for Love.” She also has an extremely annoying scream voice herself when Kirby comes after her at the end. Second, the cool factor is almost completely restored when Chuck takes on a bar full of drunken, violent bikers and single-handedly destroys them. I think it’s nice of the 22 bikers to come at Chuck one at a time. It would have been a lot harder for him to take on 22 people diving on him at the same time. Third, I stated earlier that the power-crazed Dr. Phillip Spires was played by actor Steven Keats. For those who follow the film career of Charles Bronson like I do, you will immediately recognize Keats as the same actor who played Paul Kersey’s son-in-law in DEATH WISH. In SILENT RAGE he’s a narcissistic jerk, in DEATH WISH he’s a whiny wuss. That’s a solid 1-2 fist-punch of un-likability, Steven!!

I did enjoy the nostalgia factor of re-watching SILENT RAGE after many years. And Chuck Norris getting out of that blazer to go after John Kirby at the beginning of the film was still cool. There were a few things already mentioned above that bothered me more now than they did when I was a kid, but at the end of the day, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris. And I will always enjoy Chuck Norris! 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.21 “The Vortex”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Mitch has a day off but still has to work.

Episode 2.21 “The Vortex”

(Dir by L. Lewis Stout, originally aired on May 9th, 1997)

Mitch has the day off and he’s spending it with Ryan!  No matter what else one might say about Baywatch Nights and the direction it took as the production budget grew smaller, David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon made for a cute couple and, as this episode began, I was kind of looking forward to watching them spend the day together.

Unfortunately, when they come across a fortune teller’s shop, Ryan insists that they go inside and discover their future.  Mitch mocks Ryan for “believing in that stuff” and says that there’s no such thing as psychic powers or being able to see the future, despite the fact that, over the course of the second season, Mitch has both gotten psychic powers and traveled through time.  Seriously, I get that Mitch was supposed to be the skeptic of the group but, by this point in the series, Mitch has seen and dealt with enough that his continual skepticism is just not believable.  Especially after last week’s episode, Mitch should be prepared to accept anything.  If this was a Lovecraft short story, Mitch would be ranting about the things he’s seen while locked away in an insane asylum.

At first, the store appears to be deserted.  Ryan sits at the fortune telling table and, when an actress (played by Priscilla Inga Taylor of Malibu CA), comes in the store, Ryan is able to tell her that she’s going to get the next role for which she auditions.  (I’d like to think that Taylor is playing her Malibu CA character, Traycee, here.)  After the actress leaves, Mitch and Ryan are suddenly joined by the owner of the shop, Wahote (Floyd “Red Crow” Westerman).  Wahote invites them to step behind a curtain and into a vortex and soon, Mitch and Ryan find themselves ten minutes into the future and watching as their future selves receive a call from Teague telling them that they need to investigate a boat that’s come back from the Amazon.  Future Mitch complains about always having to do things on his day off.  What I find strange is that neither present not future Mitch and Ryan seem to be curious as to why Teague, who apparently has connections with the CIA, is always asking the two of them to do these things.

A mysterious woman (Elaine Bilstad) shows up and says something about pollution and the rain forests.  Mitch and Ryan jump around in time and eventually, future Ryan and Mitch have to help present Ryan and Mitch get off the boat because the boat is full of mutants that have been created by pollution.  Or something.  To be honest, I had a hard time following the plot of this one.  Time travel nonsense is always a bit difficult for me to follow and the constantly moving camera was a bit of a distraction.

To give credit where credit is due, this episode had a good deal of atmosphere and, as I said earlier, Hasselhoff and Harmon were a likable team.  But the episode’s story was nearly incoherent and the fact that Mitch was still a skeptic at the end of the episode required too great of a suspension of disbelief.  During this episode, all I could think about was how obvious it was that Baywatch Nights was on its last legs.

Speaking of which …. next week, we finish up Baywatch Nights!  It’s time for it all to end.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.20 “Forget-Me-Not/The Quizmasters”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Tattoo is still missing.

Episode 5.20 “Forget-Me-Not/The Quizmasters”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 10th, 1982)

Amnesiac Ellen Layton (Jill St. John) comes to the Island in hopes of remembering who she was in her past life.  Ever since she was tossed off a horse and struck her head, Ellen has not been able to recall a single detail of her old life.  Roarke agrees to help, using another one of those magic plants that seem to grow in abundance on Fantasy Island.  However, Roarke also shows Julie a hologram that reveals that, in her previous life, Ellen was a ruthless businesswoman who fired people at the drop of a hat.

As quickly becomes obvious, amnesiac Ellen is far happier than corporate Ellen.  Afterall, amnesiac Ellen has all sorts of friends on the Island and she even has sleazy Mike Collins (Dan Gautier) pretending to be in love with her.  (In what I believe is a Fantasy Island first, we hear the thoughts of Mike and several other men when they first learn that the wealthy and beautiful Ellen can’t remember anything about her past life.)  But when Ellen’s real husband (Brett Halsey) comes to the Island looking for her, she has to decide if she wants to go back to who she used to be or if she wants to continue being the carefree amnesiac that she’s been for the last several months.  Which will she choose?

You already know the answer to that one.  Ellen’s fantasy really wasn’t that interesting.  I preferred the first part of the show’s other fantasy.  Two game show hosts (Gene Rayburn and Jan Murray), who are both in love with the same woman (Vikki Carr), come to the Island because they want to compete in the ultimate game show.  Roarke actually sets up a game show for them, with himself as host and a studio audience.  The two men are asked a question.  The first man to answer correctly is given the choice of opening one of four doors.  Three of the doors contain prizes, like love and money.  The other door is the …. DOOR OF DEATH!

One of the joys of this episode is watching Ricardo Montalban play a game show host.  He appears to be having a blast, especially when he gets to dramatically remind the two contestants about “the Door of Death!”  And, while the two men do manage to open up two of the doors successfully (leading one contestant rescuing Vikki Carr from being burned at the stake as a witch and the other contestant robbing a 1920s bank), the third door that the two men open is THE DOOR OF DEATH!

Unfortunately, the Door of Death turns out to be a bit anticlimatic.  The two men and the women they love have to survive in the wilderness while being pursued by an archer whose fantasy is to — *sigh* — hunt the most dangerous prey of all, man.  The show just did a Most Dangerous Game knock-off just two episodes ago so why do it again?  Fortunately, both of the game show hosts and the woman they’re fighting over survive.  They leave the Island together, their love triangle unresolved.

The game show had a lot of potential but this episode was disappointing.  Unfortunately, Tattoo was not in this episode and Julie served as Roarke’s assistant.  Nothing against Julie but the whole game show thing seemed like it would have been a perfect set up for some Roarke/Tattoo banter.  This show was definitely better with Tattoo than without him.

HONDO – John Wayne takes on Apaches!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

John Wayne is just one of those actors I love. He’s made so many great movies. My personal favorites are RIO BRAVO, TRUE GRIT, BIG JAKE, THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER, THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE, THE SEARCHERS, THE QUIET MAN, RED RIVER, THE SHEPHERD OF THE HILLS and STAGECOACH. But hell, there are so many great ones not listed above. He just knew how to play tough, honorable, flawed men in his uniquely John Wayne way. When I hit play on a John Wayne film, I know I’m in for a good time. 

The 1953 John Wayne movie HONDO starts with a man and his dog walking through a dusty, rocky landscape on their way towards a pond and a rough looking farmhouse. He’s greeted by a woman and her young son. The man, Hondo Lane (Oscar winner John Wayne), is a scout for the U.S. Cavalry who’s just escaped from Apaches but lost his horse in the process. The woman, Angie Lowe (Oscar winner Geraldine Page), allows Hondo to stay at her ranch to rest and get something to eat. She tells him that her husband is away in the hills chasing wildcats for the day, and he asks her if he can buy a horse to get back to his cavalry post. Hondo ends up having to stay a few days at the ranch in order to break a wild, rambunctious horse before it can be ridden. While there, Hondo learns that Angie doesn’t really know where her husband is, as he left months ago and has never returned. Hondo and Angie share some nice conversation and even a kiss. Before he leaves, he tells her that she’s not safe at her remote ranch. It seems that the U.S. government has broken their treaty with the Apaches and no one is safe in the area. Angie refuses to leave her farm as the Apaches have always treated her well, using her spring for water. Hondo heads back to his post and is barely out of sight when the Apaches show up. Will they scalp Angie and her son, Johnny? Will Angie’s husband ever show back up? Will Hondo come back to the ranch and kiss her again in the moonlight? Will Hondo teach Johnny how to swim by throwing him into the pond? Will Hondo have to save a regiment of pony soldiers and settlers from marauding Apaches? It’s my guess that you probably know the answers to these questions, and that’s part of the fun of watching John Wayne movies. 

It should come as no surprise that I enjoyed HONDO. John Wayne plays a variation of his normal tough, honorable, honest character, and I like that character. Geraldine Page was nominated for her first Oscar for her performance as Angie Lowe. It was the first of eight nominations she would receive in her career. She’s an interesting actress. She’s not conventional at all in this role yet she absolutely nails it. I haven’t watched much of her work so I need to check some more of her stuff out. Ward Bond shows up as fellow cavalry scout Buffalo Baker. It’s always fun to see Wayne and Bond work together. They go together like peas and carrots. Leo Gordon is effectively slimy as the deserter Ed Lowe, and James Arness shows up as cocky young man who’s humbled and then redeems himself through battle. It’s a fine cast that helps in the fun factor. 

It’s not a perfect film, especially by the social standards of 2024, but it’s a fun and entertaining western. I liked it.