Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.18 “Aphrodite/Dr. Jekyll and Miss Hyde”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Aphrodite comes to Fantasy Island, along with Marcia Brady!

Episode 3.18 “Aphrodite/Dr. Jekyll and Miss Hyde”

(Dir by Rod Holcomb, originally aired on February 2nd, 1980)

This week, Maureen McCormick returns to Fantasy Island!

The former Marcia Brady is playing Jennifer Griffin, the younger sister of renowned psychiatrist Melanie Griffin (Rosemary Forsyth).  Jennifer is dating a total lout named Ross Hayden (Don Stroud) and Melanie’s fantasy is to understand why women like her sister are irresistibly drawn to bad boys.

(Because bad boys are sexy rebels who don’t let anyone tell them what to do and just need the right woman to bring out their sensitive side.  It’s not that complicated!)

Roarke gives Melanie a vial of a blue serum that he claims is the same serum that Dr. Henry Jekyll used to transform himself into Edward Hyde.  Roarke warns Melanie that she should only drink two drops of the serum at a time.  Melanie does so and is transformed into the sexy Lilah, who dances up a storm at a nightclub and wins the attention of Ross, who is there with Jennifer.  Somehow, Jennifer does not realize that Liliah is her old sister, despite the fact that Lilah is essentially just Melanie wearing a wig and a little more makeup than usual.

Ross, however, does figure out that Melanie is actually Lilah.  Ross confronts Melanie in her cabin and forces her to drink the ENTIRE serum, as opposed to just the two drops.  Melanie is transformed into an growling old woman with bad teeth.  She ends up chasing Ross through the jungle, carrying a knife and growling at him until Mr. Roarke suddenly pops up and uses his magic powers to transforms Melanie back to her normal self.  Roarke suggests that Melanie should think about why she has so much anger towards men and …. wait a minute.  Does Roarke not realize that Ross basically just drugged Melanie and tried to force himself on her?  Why is it suddenly on Melanie to figure out why she doesn’t like men like Ross?

Anyway, Jennifer dumps Ross and she and Melanie leave Fantasy Island together.  We don’t see Ross leave Fantasy Island so I’m going to guess that he’s still somewhere in the jungle.

Speaking of the jungle, that’s where Professor Alan Blair (George Maharis) finds the lost temple of Aphrodite!

Alan’s fantasy is to find the perfect woman, who he believes to be Aphrodite despite the fact that anyone who is at all TV savvy knows that the perfect woman for Alan is actually his colleague, Minnie Hale (Belinda Montgomery).  No sooner does Alan find the temple than a statue of Aphrodite comes to life.  Alan and Aphrodite (played by Britt Ekland) make love all night and the next morning, Alan announces, “Aphrodite and I are getting married!”

However, it soon turns out that Aphrodite — much like that mermaid who tried to down John Saxon a few episodes ago — is all about destroying her lovers.  Soon, Alan is flying into a rage whenever anyone so much as looks at Aphrodite and Aphrodite is trying to convince Alan to stay with her in her temple forever.  Fortunately, Mr. Roarke shows up at the temple and announces that Aphrodite isn’t real because she’s just Alan fantasy.  Mr. Roake isn’t even phased by the lightening bolt that Aphrodite tosses at him.  Aphrodite is transformed back into a statue and Minnie reveals that her fantasy was that Alan would fall in love with her.

This was an extremely campy and silly episode, which also means that it was a lot of fun.  Between Britt Ekland inviting every man to come to her cave and Rosemary Forsyth chasing Don Stroud with a knife, this episode was a nonstop parade of weirdness and it’s hard not to wish that it had served as a template for every episode of Fantasy Island.  This week, the trip to the Island was definitely worth it!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Café 1.2 “Dying Well Is The Best Revenge”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Frank and Fay get involved in a case of ghost noir!

Episode 1.2 “Dying Well Is The Best Revenge”

(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired on March 6th, 1992)

This week’s episode of Nightmare Café begins with Frank and Fay feeling pretty comfortable in their new roles of working at the café under the watchful eye of Blackie.  I guess some time has passed since the pilot, as both Frank and Fay seem to be totally okay with the fact that they’re both dead and destined to spend the rest of their existence working as, respectively, a cook and a waitress.

Don’t get me wrong, of course.  There’s nothing wrong with being a cook or a waitress.  If I was a waitress, I would definitely want to work for Robert Englund and get to wear a cute uniform like Fay does.  I think what is throwing me is that Fay and Frank seem to be so comfortable with the idea of being dead.  It would take me a bit longer to accept that.

As for tonight’s episode, the action starts when a sultry woman named Angela (Beth Toussaint) enters the café and asks for a cup of coffee.  Frank immediately starts flirting with her and Angela flirts back in typical film noir fashion.  All of the flirting ends, though, when Angela’s husband, Edward (Justin Deas), stumbles into the café, his face bloodied from apparently being attacked outside while he was waiting for Angela.  Angela and Edward leave but Angela later returns so that she can talk to Frank.

Angela claims that Edward is abusive.  Frank leaves the café so that he can visit Angela at home and eventually sleep with her.  (Fay and Blackie watch on the television.)  Fay doesn’t trust Angela, especially after her previous lover — a country club tennis pro (Andrew Airlie) — is mysteriously run over by a hit-and-run-driver.  As Fay puts it, she thinks that Frank could be putting his life at risk.  But, the thing with that is that Frank and Fay are already dead.  That was established in the pilot.  So, if Frank is already dead, how is he putting his life at risk?  For that matter, if Frank and Fay are dead and the Nightmare Café is basically a dimensional portal, how are they both able to casually leave the café and walk around town?  I mean, are they dead and in purgatory or not?  Seriously, what are the rules of the Nightmare Café?

Eventually, Edward confronts Frank and Angela and Frank …. SHOOTS HIM!  Well, I guess since Frank is dead, he can be a murderer.  Except, in a clever twist, it turns out that Edward was already dead and the Nightmare Café gave him a second chance to prove that Angela was the one who set up his murder.  When Angela tries to put Edward in the trunk of her car, Edward suddenly gets out of the trunk and Angela shoots him several times.  Edward pretends to die once again, allowing the police to arrest Angela for murder.  The episode ends with Angela in prison, with Edward as her ghostly companion.

So, as I said earlier, I’m still not sure what the rules of the Nightmare Café are supposed to be and, in this episode, it felt like Frank and Fay could basically just do whatever was convenient to the plot.  That’s a bit of a problem because, when there are no rules, there aren’t any stakes either.  That said, this episode was helped immensely by the friendly charm of Robert Englund.  Blackie didn’t really get involved in the storyline but he did break the fourth wall and talk directly to the audience a few times and Englund delivered the lines with just the right amount of cheery sarcasm.  Robert Englund definitely kept things entertaining!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.5 “Calderone’s Return: The Hit List”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the squad loses a member!

Episode 1.5 “Calderone’s Return: The Hit List”

(Dir by Richard A. Colla, originally aired on October 19th, 1984)

This episode opens with Sonny Crockett …. shaving!

That’s right.  After four episodes featuring Sonny with stubble, he finally shaves in this one.  Tubbs is shocked to see it.  However, Sonny has a good reason for shaving because he is due in divorce court, where he hopes that he can keep his soon to be ex-wife from taking his son to Georgia.

At the courthouse, Sonny and Caroline (Belinda Montgomery) take one look at each other and realize that they don’t want to give up on their marriage.  They cancel the hearing and fire their attorneys.  Caroline says that she’ll find a job in Miami and the Crockett family will stay together.

Yay!  It’s a good thing Sonny shaved.

Unfortunately, the pilot’s main bad guy, Calderone, wants to return to Miami and he’s sent an assassin (Jim Zubiena) to not only take out his potential rivals but also to kill the cops who he blames for his downfall.  When Tubbs and Rodriguez discover that Crockett is the 8th name on the assassin’s hit list and that six of the previous names are already dead, Rodriguez orders Crockett to go into productive custody.  Knowing that Crockett has trouble with following orders, Lt. Rodriguez personally escorts Sonny to his boat so that Sonny can pack.  When Rodriguez spots the reflection of a muzzle on a nearby building, Rodriguez pushes Sonny out of the way just as the Assassin pulls the trigger.  Rodriguez takes the bullet that was meant for Sonny.

And I have to admit that I was a bit upset by Rodriguez getting shot, despite the fact that Rodriguez wasn’t a particularly well-developed character.  He was the typical tough chief with a secret heart of gold and, for the most part, his brief role on the show consisted of barking at Sonny to do things by the book.  But still, Gregory Sierra was a likable actor and, as a result, Rodriguez always came across as being nice even when he was angry at Crockett.  Technically, the reason Rodriguez sacrificed his life was because Sierra requested to be written off the show.  In the world of Miami Vice, though, Rodriguez’s death gave both Crockett and Tubbs even more motivation to seek revenge on Calderone.

But, before Crockett and Tubbs can head down to the Bahamas to get Calderone, they have to take care of the Assassin.  After an hour of chases, misdirections, and one wonderfully over-the-top nightclub brawl, Crockett and the Assassin face each other in Crockett’s house, firing bullets at each other while Crockett’s wife and son cower in another room.  It’s an exciting fight, containing one particularly memorable moment when the Assassin appears to be firing his machine gun directly at the camera.  The Assassin was played by Jim Zubiena, who is a professional marksman and was a gun advisor on the set.  The Assassin doesn’t say one word but he’s still terrifying precisely because he obviously knows how to handle a gun.  In the end, it takes the entire Vice Squad to gun him down and it’s nice to see Crockett and Tubbs finally being helped out in a gunfight by Gina, Trudy, Switek, and Zito.

The Assassin may be dead but Calderone still lives.  After Crockett tells his shaken wife that he’ll reschedule their divorce hearing, he and Tubbs head for the Bahamas as part one of Calderone’s Revenge comes to a close.

Goodbye, Lou Rodriguez.  You will be missed.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.3 “The Experiment” and 1.4 “The Cover-Up”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

Oh my God, is Mr. Raditch a racist!?  We’ll find out this week.

Episode 1.3 “The Experiment”

(Dir by Clarke Mackey, originally aired on February 1st, 1987)

Joey Jeremiah’s a drug dealer!?

I am stunned!  Seriously, on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Joey was the grown-up who was always giving the teenagers a hard time for being irresponsible.  When his stepson, Craig Manning, got hooked on cocaine, Joey sent off to rehab and didn’t even bother to show up at the airport to say goodbye!  And yet, with this episode, we discover that, in junior high, Joey Jeremiah sold pills.

Now, I should point out that they were just vitamin pills.  Joey told Melanie (Sara Ballingall) and Kathleen (Rebecca Haines) that the pills were actual drugs that would get them high but, as he explained to Wheels, he was just doing that to make some money.  In fact, Joey tells Wheels that he deserves a lot of credit for keeping Melanie and Kathleen off of hard drugs!  That said, Melanie and Kathleen both fool themselves into thinking they’ve gotten high and they ask Joey to get them even more drugs.  In fact, Melanie and Kathleen bring some of their friends with them so that everyone can get high!

Meanwhile, Yick and Arthur have a problem of their own.  Yick thinks that Mr. Raditch is biased against him because Raditch is constantly criticizing Yick for being disorganized.  He even refers to Yick as being “Mr. Yu the Disorganized.”  In order to test whether or not Mr. Raditich is prejudiced against Yick, Arthur takes a paper that Stephanie wrote for Mr. Raditch the previous year and he has Yick turn it in as his own work.  Yick finally gets a good grade!  But just to make sure that Mr. Raditch isn’t prejudiced, Yick turns in a second paper that was originally written by Stephanie.  This time, Mr. Raditch recognizes the paper as having been originally written by Stephanie.

This leads to an absolutely brilliantly played scene, in which Mr. Raditch interrogates Yick and Arthur in front of the class about why they’ve been turning in Stephanie’s work as Yick’s own.  While Yick attempts to explain why he feels that Mr. Raditch is prejudiced against him, Kathleen, Melanie, and their dumb friends keep laughing loudly because they’re convinced that they’re all stoned even though they’re not.  Mr. Raditch, needless to say, is not amused.

Anyway, things work out in the end.  After Stephanie asks Joey if he’s really a drug dealer, Joey confesses the truth.  Unfortunately, for him, his confession is overheard by Melanie and Kathleen and Joey ends up being chased down a hallway by a bunch of angry, wannabe drug addicts.  Meanwhile, in detention, Yick writes a paper about stereotypes and how difficult it is to be called Mr. Yu the Disorganized.  Both Yick and Mr. Raditch realize the errors of their way.  Yick and Arthur leave school to play basketball together, but not before locking Joey in the janitor’s closet.

Episode 1.4 “The Cover-up”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on February 8th, 1987)

School picture day is coming up and Stephanie is freaking out because, if she wears the frumpy clothes that she wears around the house, everyone will laugh at her.  But if she wears her trampy school clothes, her mom will know the truth about how Stephanie changes whenever she gets to school.  As usual, Voula smirks about it and refuses to give Stephanie any advice, largely because Voula is the absolutely worst.  (Not everyone wants to dress like they shop at the American Girl store, Voula.)  In the end, Stephanie wears her trampy clothes to picture day and good for her!  Seriously, dress however you want.

While this is going on, Caitlin (Stacie Mistysyn) and her friend Susie (Sarah Charlesworth) try to get the mysterious Rick (Craig Driscoll) to smile.  They tell him jokes.  They were pig noses.  Rick, however, has little to smile about because, as Joey discovers, Rick is being beaten by his father.  When Joey asks the school secretary what he should do if he knows someone who is getting beaten, the secretary misunderstands Joey’s comment and calls Child Protective Services on Joey’s parents!  (It  doesn’t help that Joey has a black eye as the result of a skateboarding accident.)  Fortunately, the very Canadian social worker guy figures out that Rick is the one who is being beaten and he arranges for Rick’s father to get some help and for Rick to stay with his older brother.  The next day, at school, Rick smiles!

This was a significant episode because it featured the first Caitlin storyline.  Caitlin, of course, is destined to become one of the most important characters in Degrassi history, with her love story with Joey destined to take over 20 years to play out.  Of course, in this episode, she’s more interested in Rick.  (Rick, for his part, feels like an early version of Sean Cameron, Degrassi: The Next Generation‘s resident troubled bad boy.)

Anyway, these were two good episodes.  It’s kind of interesting to watch as Joey Jeremiah goes from being an annoying prankster to basically the center of just about storyline.

Next week: it’s time for a Canadian swimming competition!

Retro Television Reviews: Five Desperate Women (dir by Ted Post)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1971’s Five Desperate Women!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Five women, who all went to college together, reunite for the first time in five years.  They’re planning on spending a weekend at a cabin on a private island.  Lucy (Anjanette Comer) is the alcoholic who talks too much.  Dorian (Joan Hackett) is the pill popper who lies about having a handsome husband and two beautiful children.  Joy (Denise Nicholas) is the former activist turned trashy model.  Gloria (Stefanie Powers) is bitchy and self-centered.  And Mary Grace (Julie Sommars) is the one with the mentally ill mother who refuses to speak to her.  Upon reuniting on the dock, the five women all immediately gather in a circle sing an old sorority song.  It’s going to be one of those weekends!

The private island is lovely and the women believe that they have it to themselves, with the exception of the two men who are also on the island.  Wylie (Robert Conrad) is the caretaker and he seems to be a trustworthy gentleman and exactly the type of guy who you would want to be stranded on an island with.  And then there’s Meeker (Bradford Dillman), who drove the boat to the island and who is the type of overbearing jerk who has to be specifically told not to bother the women.  While the women stay in the main house, the men stay in the nearby caretaker’s cottage.

From the start, it proves to be a stressful weekend.  All of the women have secrets and long-buried resentments that come out at the slightest provocation.  Not helping the fact is that there’s a murderer on the island, one that goes from killing a dog to strangling Dorian while the rest of the women are at the beach.  The woman, figuring that the murderer has to be either Meeker or Wylie, lock themselves into their house for the night but it turns out that it’s going to take more than a locked door to defeat a killer.

Five Desperate Women has an intriguing premise but it also has an extremely short running time.  With only 70 minutes to tell its story and 7 major characters to deal with, the film doesn’t leave much room for character development and, as a result, each woman is only given one personality trait and each actress ends up portraying that trait as broadly as possible.  As a result, it doesn’t take long for the movie to go from being Five Desperate Women to Five Annoying Women.  As for Robert Conrad and Bradford Dillman, the two of them give effective performances but anyone with a hint of genre savvy will be able to guess who the killer is going to turn out to be.  There is one unintentionally funny moment where the desperate women attempt to fight off the killer by throwing rocks at him and none of the rocks come close to reaching their target but otherwise, Five Desperate Women is not particularly memorable.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.1 “No Security In Security”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Check It Out is a show that I recently came across on Tubi.  It’s a Canadian sitcom from the late 80s, one that took place in grocery store.  Don Adams starred as Howard Bannister, the store’s manager.  Dinah Christie played Edna, who was Howard’s girlfriend and secretary.  Kathleen Laskey, Aaron Schwartz, and Tonya Williams played cashiers.  Jeff Pustil played the assistant manager.  The security guard was played by Henry Beckman and Simon Reynolds played a teenage bagboy.  Since I had never heard of this show before, I figured why not review it?  What’s the worst that could happen?

Besides, check out the totally funky theme song!

Episode 1.1 “No Security In Security”

(Dir by Ari Dikijian, originally aired on October 2nd, 1985)

Welcome to Cobb’s, perhaps the most depressing location that I’ve ever seen for a Canadian sitcom.  Cobb’s is a grocery store and, interestingly enough, it actually looks like a grocery store, with cheap displays, bored employees, and floors that you can tell are probably sticky.  Usually, most sitcoms — especially sitcoms that aired in the 80s — go out of their way to try to look inviting.  From the minute we see Cobb’s, the show seems to be telling us, “Run away!  Shop elsewhere!”

As the pilot opens, store manager Howard Bannister (Don Adams) watches as a security specialist named Vicker (Gordon Clapp) installs several new security cameras.  Howard asks what channels the cameras get.  Vicker replies that you can watch produce, you can watch the front doors, and you can watch the registers.  Howard weakly tries to explain that he was making a joke.  It goes over Vicker’s head.

You know what isn’t a joke?  The fact that Mrs. Cobb (Barbara Hamilton), the fearsome owner of the store, now expects Howard to fire Alf (Henry Beckham), the ancient security guard who has been working at Cobb’s for his entire life.  Howard is reluctant to fire an old man, despite the fact that everyone keeps talking about the fact that Alf is not that good at his job.  The assistant manager, Jack Christian (Jeff Pustil), volunteers to do the firing but Howard says that it’s the type of the thing that should be done by the manager.  After getting an angry visit from Mrs. Cobb, Howard takes Alf outside and fires him.  Alf responds by punching Howard in the stomach.

Well, I guess it’s a good thing that they fired Alf!  Seriously, violence is never the answer!  Still, Howard feels so guilty that he can’t perform sexually with his girlfriend and secretary, Edna Moseley (Dinah Christie).  But, don’t worry!  Alf calls in a bomb threat and gets his job back….

Seriously, that’s the plot of the first episode.  It’s a plot that had some potential.  One of The Office‘s best episodes was the Halloween episode where Michael was forced to fire Devin.  On The Office, the story was more about Michael’s fear of being the bad guy than the actual firing.  Michael knows that he has to fire someone but he’s just scared to death of getting anyone mad at him.  Things are a bit less complicated on Check it Out.  Alf is terrible at his job but Howard doesn’t want to fire him because he’s old.  Fortunately, all it takes is a fake bomb threat to get Alf’s job back.

It was a bit of a forgettable episode, though it introduced the characters and that’s what a pilot is supposed to do.  The main problem is that, with the exception of Gordon Clapp’s performance as Vicker, the episode itself just wasn’t that funny.

Maybe the second episode was an improvement!  We’ll find out next week!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.1 “The Inheritance”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990.  The show can be found on YouTube!

Despite the name of the series and the fact that producer Frank Mancuso was responsible for both the films and the show, Friday the 13th: The Series did not involve Camp Crystal Lake or Jason Voorhees.  Instead, it was a supernatural-themed show about two cousins, Micki (Robey, who has red hair like me!) and Ryan (John D. LeMay), who inherited a cursed antique shop from their uncle, Lewis.  When they discovered that Lewis spent the last few years of his mortal life selling cursed antiques, they realized that it was up to them to track down the evil items before they could cause too much harm to the world.  Working with them was Lewis’s former partner, Jack Marshak (Chris Wiggins).

Episode 1.1 “The Inheritance”

(Dir by William Fruet, originally aired on October 3rd, 1987)

On a rainy night, antique store owner Lewis Vandredi (R.G. Armstrong) is literally dragged into the depths of Hell, the result of a long-ago deal that he made with the devil.  The store is inherited by Lewis’s niece and nephew, Micki Foster (Robey) and Ryan Dallion (John D. LeMay).

Micki and Ryan, at first, don’t seem to have much in common.  Ryan is a practical joker whose first reaction upon entering the store is to put on a rubber mask and wait for his cousin to show up so that he can startle her.  The much more responsible Micki just wants to sell off whatever is in the store so that she can return home to her fiancé, an attorney who really doesn’t understand why she has to waste her time with any family stuff at all.  The only thing that Micki and Ryan have in common is that neither one of them knows that their uncle made a deal with the devil to sell cursed antiques.  That changes when Lewis’s former business partner, Jack Marshak (Chris Wiggins), shows up and not only tells them about Lewis’s supernatural activities but also finds the ledger where Lewis recorded all of his sales.

Uh-oh, it turns out that Micki herself has sold something from the shop.  She sold an extremely ugly doll to Mr. Simms (Michael Fletcher), who in turn gave it to his bratty daughter, Mary (played by a 7 year-old Sarah Polley).  Yes, the doll is cursed and yes, Mary is already using it to get revenge on anyone who annoys her.  First, she uses the doll to kill her stepmother.  Then, she uses the doll to kill the sweet babysitter who asked Mary to be polite about asking for snacks.  When Micki and Ryan show up to retrieve the doll, Micki chases Mary to playground, where Mary uses the doll to make a statue breathe fire and a merry-go-round to spin dangerously fast.  Fortunately, while Mary is tormenting Micki, Ryan walks up and snatches the doll away from her….

…. and that’s it!

Seriously, it’s kind of an anti-climatic ending but I get it.  This was the first episode and, obviously, it was more important to establish why Micki and Ryan were the new owners of an antique store than to really offer up a complicated story of the supernatural.  This was a pilot and it got the important part of the job done, introducing the premise and the characters.  Robey and John D. LeMay were instantly likable as Micki and Ryan and the antique store was an intriguing location.  The story with the doll may not have been anything special but the pilot did leave me looking forward to next week’s episode.  And personally, I kind of liked how simple the solution was this week.  Mary was an awful brat so there was something really satisfying about Ryan just snatching that doll away from her.  Take that!

Next week: Ryan and Micki go to a monastery!

Retro Television Reviews: T. and T. 1.17 “The Game” and 1.18 “A Victim of Fashion”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Mr. T plays the game!

Episode 1.17 “The Game”

(Dir by Robert Malenfant, originally aired on May 2nd, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T explains, “Amy and I disagree on tactics as I try to bring an end to a very dangerous game.”

Pam Richards (Cynthia Preston) and her boyfriend Nash Weaver (David Orth) are two spoiled rich kids, playing a dangerous game.  Nash steals some expensive dishes and silverwear from the home of his father (who is judge, no less) and, with Pam’s help, puts it in the locker of one of their shy classmates, Greg Walker (Victor Erdos).  Nash then calls the police, gives them an anonymous tip, and Greg is arrested.  Greg is only 14 but it appears that he’s going to be tried as an adult!  Canada is going to make an example out of him!

Fortunately, Greg’s attorney is Amy Taler and that means that T.S. Turner is on the case!  It doesn’t take T.S. long to figure out what happened.

“The way I see it,” he tells Amy, “the girl played decoy so they could plant stuff in Greg’s locker!  These are the type of games these kids are into.  I’m going to see if I can play too.”

T.S. stakes out Pam’s house.  Nash orders a pizza for him.  “I don’t eat while on duty,” T.S. growls.

That night, Nash and Pamela leave Nash’s house and break into a neighbor’s house.  T.S. follows them, just to discover that they’ve already left the house.  In the kitchen, T.S. finds a balloon that looks like an eyeball.  The balloon pops, revealing a note that reads, “We’re watching you too.”  Suddenly, the cops show up and arrest T.S!

Waiting outside the house, Nash tells T.S. to “give my regards to the boys in blue.”

“Give it to them yourself,” T.S. replies.

Nash and Pam claim that they were just going in the house to water the plants and T.S. is not charged with breaking and entering.  Detective Jones assures T.S. that he doesn’t like Nash much either, saying that the kid has been in trouble before but he’s never been charged.

“Why?” T.S. snarls, “Because his father’s a judge?”

T.S. returns to staking out Nash’s house.  (He’s eventually joined by Greg, who simply cannot believe that Pam would frame him.)  “These kids are not playing kid games!” T.S. says.  Eventually, Nash and Pam drive off to small warehouse.  When T.S. follows them, Nash pulls a gun on them.

“You want to go to prison?” T.S. demands, “You know what prison’s like?  Being locked up in the small cell, 24 hours!  After you shoot me, who is next?  Is it Pam?  How about your father …. BECAUSE HE’S A JUDGE!”

(T.S. is really hung up on that.)

Nash points the gun at his own head.

“It’s not worth it, brother!” T.S. shouts.

A sobbing Nash surrenders himself.

Later, T.S. tells Amy, “Nash was just a little frightened kid, reaching out for love and attention.”

Here’s the thing — this all happened over the course of 30 minutes running time.  As a result, Nash’s surrender seemed to come out of nowhere.  This is an episode that would have benefitted from a full hour.  As it is, this episode ends on a jarringly abrupt note and therefore, Nash’s surrender is neither as effective nor satisfying as it should have been.

Episode 1.18 “A Victim of Fashion”

(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired on May 9th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “the world of fashion loses its glamour as threats and murder come into play.”

“I’m not going to hire no tux and go to no bourgeois fashion show and that’s that!” T.S. Turner tells Amy when she informs him that he has no choice but to accompany her to an uptown fashion show.  This leads to a genuinely amusing scene in which Amy leads T.S. onto an elevator, where T.S. is suddenly grabbed by two men who proceed to …. get his measurements so they can rent him a tuxedo.

Fashion designer John Merrick (Richard Monette) has hired Amy and T.S. because he was mailed a slashed up picture of his top model, Anita (Tonya Williams).  Anita doesn’t know that she’s being stalked and Merrick wants T.S. to be her bodyguard without explaining why.  Tonya, for her part, is just happy to be famous enough to require a bodyguard.

“Please,” T.S. tells her, “call me T.S.”

“Okay,” Anita replies, “if you’ll tell me what it stands for.”

“Tree Surgeon.”

Who could the stalker be?  Could it be the long-haired man wandering around with a camera?  Of course it is!  This is only a 30 minute show so it’s not like there’s time to develop a lot of suspects.  However, it turns out that Lonzo (Patrick Brymer) was not really stalking Anita as much as he was demanding that Merrick admit to stealing Lonzo’s designs.  When Merrick tries to murder Lonzo, T.S. is there to save the day!  Yay!

Again, just as with the other episode I looked at this week, this is an episode that would have been considerably more effective with a 60-minute running time.  With only 30 minutes to tell the story, it felt rushed.  There was a lot of comedic potential to the idea letting Mr. T loose in the fashion world but sadly, there was enough time to get to any of it.

Next week — T.S. quips his way through another case!  Evildoers beware!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.1 “Pilot: Part One”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

Highway to Heaven is one of those old shows that, decades after its final episode, still always seems to either be airing or streaming somewhere.  The show’s premise was a simple one.  Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) was an angel who had been sent to Earth to help people.  Working with him was a retired cop named Mark Gordon (Victor French).  Together, they drove across the country and met a different guest star every week.

Though the show aired its final episode over 30 years ago and both of the stars have since passed on, Highway to Heaven remains popular in both syndication and streaming.  From the few episodes that I’ve seen, it appears that the show’s main appeal was just how unabashedly sentimental it was.  For people living in a cynical age, the show is a throwback to a simpler time.  Of course, I imagine that some people also find it to be a fairly campy show.  There’s nothing subtle about the messaging of Highway to Heaven. 

Anyway, it seems like a good show to review for Retro Television Reviews, so here we are.  Let’s head down that highway!

Episode 1.1 “Highway to Heaven: Part One”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)

In a small town in Arizona, there’s a retirement community that is full of people who are in need.

For instance, Estelle Wicks (Helen Hayes) hasn’t left her room in years.  She’s convinced that her daughter is going to come to get her at any minute, even though everyone else at the community tries to get her to understand that her daughter hasn’t been by to see her in years.  That said, at least Estelle still has some hope.  Everyone else in the community appears to be resigned to spending all of their time indoors, watching television and waiting for the end.

Mr. Haskins (John O’Leary), the owner of the community, is struggling to pay the bills and is thinking of selling the retirement home to a group of land developers.  Mr. Haskins rarely smiles and hardly ever interacts with the people living at the community.  He doesn’t want them going outside or doing any special activities because he’s worried about potential lawsuits.  He’s not willing to spend the money necessary to even make the community look like an inviting place to live.

Mr. Haskins’s assistant, Leslie Gordon (Mary McCusker), is a lonely woman who lives in an apartment with her brother, Mark (Victor French).  Mark is a former cop who refuses to trust anyone and who can’t hold down a job.  He’s developing quite a drinking problem and spends most of his time either watching television and having a beer or going down to the local bar and having even more beer.

No one, and I mean no one, in this town appears to be happy.  But then a mysterious drifter named Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) hitchhikes into town and applies for a job as a maintenance worker at the retirement community.  As he explains to Mr. Haskins, he doesn’t have any references but he’s willing to work without a salary for a month in order to prove that he can handle the job.  Mr. Haskins hires Jonathan, who immediately plants a flower garden and gets to know the residents at the retirement community.  He even gets Estelle to agree to take care of a puppy.

With Jonathan’s gentle encouragement, even Leslie starts to enjoy life a little bit more.  When Jonathan shows up one morning with a bicycle, Leslie rides it to work.  When Leslie asks Jonathan how he could afford the bike, he says that a friend gave it to him.  When she asks how Jonathan could afford to plant all of the flowers for the retirement home, he says that a friend helped out.  For a drifter who just came to town, Jonathan certainly seems to have a lot of friends!

This raises the concern of Mark, who thinks that Jonathan must be a conman of some sort.  He sets out to investigate just exactly who Jonathan is.  He first stop is the local bicycle shop, where the owner says that he’s never met a Jonathan Smith.  And then — the episode ends!  “TO BE CONTINUED” reads the title card.

It’s a rather abrupt ending, undoubtedly the result of the pilot originally being aired as a two-hour movie.  As often happens, the pilot was split into two parts for syndication.  Of course, the viewer already knows that Jonathan is an angel who has been sent to Earth to help people but the first episode of the series ends with Mark still convinced that Jonathan is just a con man.  I assume he’ll find out the truth next week.

As far as first episodes go, this one is hard to judge because it’s obviously incomplete.  That said, the pilot’s unapologetic earnestness is definitely its strongest trait.  Early on, Jonathan says, “Kindness doesn’t cost a thing,” and Michael Landon delivers the line with such sincerity that he makes it work despite the fact that it’s also a cliché.

Anyway, next week, we’ll finish up the pilot and see if Mr. Haskins will ever learn how to run a retirement community.  Hopefully, Estelle will finally come out of her room as well.  And, most importantly, we’ll see how Mark went from thinking Jonathan was a con artist to traveling around the country with him.

Until then, be kind.

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.1 “Pilot”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Since it is October, I figured why not take a look at short-lived sitcom about a ghost?  What’s the worst that could happen?  (Heh heh….)

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Charles S. Dubin, originally aired on October 21st, 1983)

Jennifer Farrell was, at one time, the world’s biggest movie star but then, in a tragic accident, an ice cream truck backed over here and she lost her life.  Three years later, her former lawyer, George Elliott (Brandon Maggart, the father of Fiona Apple), has decided to move into her Hollywood home.  Accompanying him is his wife, Susan Elliott (Georgia Engel), his 8 year-old daughter Marilyn (Mya Akerlin), and his teenage son, Joey (John P. Navin, Jr.)

Joey is not particularly happy about having moved from New York to California.  First off, he left behind his girlfriend, Elizabeth.  Secondly, a Hollywood tour bus keeps driving by and announcing that his new home is the former home of Jennifer Farrell.  Finally, Jennifer’s ghost (Ann Jillian) is living in his bedroom, which is something that Joey discovers when he tries to close the window.

Jennifer, it turns out, likes to keep the window open so she can hear the tour bus announce her name.

Joey refuses to accept that Jennifer is a ghost but then his father enters the bedroom and says that he can’t see the woman that Joey claims is standing at the window.  Then, after his father leaves, Joey tries to grab Jennifer and his hand goes through her shoulder.

Remarkably, it doesn’t take Joey that long to accept that his house is haunted by a ghost that only he can see.  Perhaps that’s because Joey isn’t planning on sticking around the house for long.  He’s planning on running away from home and catching the next flight back to New York City.  Fortunately, Jennifer is there to grab the suitcase from his hand (and yes, we get a shot of the suitcase floating up the staircase with the wires barely visible) and explain to him that everything that he needs is in the house, with his family.  She also encourages Joey to flirt with the girl who lives next door.  Problem solved!

It’s a remarkably simple pilot.  In fact, it’s a bit too simple for its own good.  Joey is a bit too quick to accept that ghosts are real but, even more importantly, his parents and his best friend, Marc (Glenn Scarpelli), are surprisingly quick to ignore the fact that Joey keeps talking to himself and yelling at someone who they can’t even see.  As well, it’s never really explained why George decided to move his family into Jennifer’s home, especially since George continually refers to Jennifer as being both his worst client and as being a “tramp.”  That said, the pilot did what a pilot was supposed to do.  It introduced the characters and it spread the seeds for future storylines.  The majority of the cast seemed a bit lost but Ann Jillian delivered her lines with just the right amount of ghostly sassiness.  The main problem with the pilot is that it wasn’t particularly funny but traditionally, pilots are usually the weakest episode of any sitcom.  So, let’s see how things go over the next few weeks!