Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 1.9 “Pool Sharks”

Posted on November 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the stakes are huge when two people play a game of pool.

Episode 1.9 “Pool Sharks”

(Dir by Alan Kingsberg, originally aired on December 17th, 1988)

Gabe (Tom Mason) steps into a run-down bar, carrying a pool cue with him. There’s only three other people in the bar, a bartender (Page Johnson), a nervous man named Lester (Irving Metzman), and a beautiful woman in a black dress who is named Natasha (Rebecca Downs). Natasha is easily beating Lester in a game of pool. Gabe says that he wants the next game.

Both Gabe and Natasha are pool hustlers and neither one makes much of an effort to hide it. Natasha makes a bet. If Gabe wins their game, Natasha will give him money. If Natasha wins, Gabe will …. well, Natasha doesn’t really make it clear what Natasha will win, beyond indicating that Gabe will enjoy it. As Natasha later explains, the bet is less important than getting Gabe to accept it. As Natasha puts it, accepting the bet is the same as inviting her in.

As the game progresses, it becomes clear that Gabe did not just randomly walk into the bar. He specifically tracked down Natasha and he’s not surprised when Natasha mentions that she has to be in bed before the sun rises. Nor is he particularly surprised to discover that Lester is actually Natasha’s servant. As they play, Natasha uses her eyes and a flash of her thigh to try to hypnotize Gabe. Gabe, meanwhile, makes sure that she sees the cross that is hanging around his neck.

Now, as you probably already guessed (and I guess this is a SPOILER if you’re planning on watching this episode on Tubi), Natasha is no ordinary pool hustler. She’s a vampire, one who feasts upon the men who lose to her in a game of pool. One of Natasha’s more recent victims was Gabe’s brother. Gabe came to the pool hall looking for revenge but the only way that he’ll be able to get it is if he beats Natasha at pool. That might not be easy, as Natasha has magic powers. But Gabe has a cross so this pool game becomes a battle between the profane and the sacred.

I really enjoyed this episode. Even though it was fairly obvious from the start that Natasha was a vampire (she was even called “Countess” by Lester at one point), the episode was full of sultry and ominous atmosphere. Tom Mason and Rebecca Downs were both perfectly cast as the rival players and there was a definite undercurrent of sexual tension to their conversations, one that brought a whole new layer to the show’s revenge plot. Past episodes of Monsters have struggled when it comes to finding an appropriate way to end each week’s story. This episode, I’m happy to say, had a perfect and very satisfying ending. This was a good and enjoyable episode, one that felt almost as if it could have been a mini-episode of True Blood.

Next week’s episode features a bed that eats people! Woo hoo!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.18 and 3.19 “Kinfolk/Sis & the Slicker/Moonlight & Moonshine/Too Close for Comfort/The Affair: Part 2”

Posted on November 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s a family affair on The Love Boat!

Episodes 3.18 & 3.19 “Kinfolk/Sis & the Slicker/Moonlight & Moonshine/Too Close for Comfort/The Affair: Part 2”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 19th, 1980)

Well, heck, it’s another double-sized, two-hour episode of The Love Boat.

This is actually the third two-hour episode of the third season, following the season premiere and the episode with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I have to admit that I don’t really look forward to these two hour episodes because they’re usually a bit uneven. The Love Boat was the perfect hour show, one that featured stories that were specifically designed to be neatly wrapped up in 40 minutes. The two-hour episodes always seem to lose their narrative momentum after that first hour and that’s certainly the case here.

At the center of the episode is Danny Fields (Donny Osmond), a singer who has been booked to perform on the cruise. Julie is convinced that Danny is going to be a big star and she’s even convinced a talent scout named Steve Sorrell (Rich Little) to board the ship so that he can see Danny perform. However, Steve is more interested in Kitty Scofield (Loni Anderson), an innocent West Virginia girl who is eager to see the rest of the world but who is also engaged to marry the unambitious Elmer Fargas (Randall Carver). Kitty is also Danny’s sister and, in fact, Danny’s entire family (played by Richard Paul, Marion Ross, and Slim Pickens) are on the cruise. Danny is worried that his hillbilly family will stand in the way of his rock ‘n’ roll career and he goes out of his way to avoid them. While the rest of the Scofields are willing to accept that Danny doesn’t want to associate with them, Grandpa Luke Scofield (Slim Pickens) lets Danny know that he’s not to happy with Danny and his rock ‘n’ roll ways. Of course, Luke himself is being courted by Brenda Watts (Eve Arden), a writer who wants to write about the Scofield family and who gets close to them by pretending to be from West Virginia herself.

Fortunately, Danny comes to realize the error of his ways, especially after he sees how Steve has been manipulating his sister. At his next performance, Danny introduces his family and sings Country Roads especially for them. Meanwhile, Kitty realizes that she needs to be independent for a while so she dumps both Steve and Elmer, though it’s suggested that she’ll eventually give Elmer a second chance. Brenda comes clean to Luke about not being a hillbilly and Luke eventually forgives her because he’s in love with her and Brenda’s in love with him. Even old Steve turns out to be not such a bad guy, though he does tell Danny that his record label just isn’t looking for any new country acts. Hmmm …. maybe Danny should have stuck with the rock ‘n’ roll. Oh well!

Got all that? I hope so because I’m not typing all that out again.

Meanwhile, Frank (Robert Guillaume) and Maura Bellocque (Denise Nicholas) are taking the cruise with their best friends, Dave (Richard Roundtree) and Cynthia Wilbur (Pam Grier). Frank and Cynthia are having an affair and they aren’t particularly discreet about it. I was expecting Maura to decide that maybe she and Dave should have an affair of their own but instead, she just spent the entire cruise glaring at Frank. This was actually a surprisingly dramatic story, one that did not end with the expected positive outcome. (Is this the first cruise of the Love Boat to end in divorce?) This is a story that demands at least one big, explosive moment but instead, it was all surprisingly low-key.

Finally, the sprinkler system malfunctioned while the boat was in dock and the cabins of Doc, Gopher, and Isaac were flooded. So, they move in with the Captain! The Captain is not amused by Doc’s snoring, Gopher’s New Age chanting, or Isaac’s disco dancing. And when Doc, Gopher, and Isaac all try to bring different women back to the cabin with them, no one is amused by that. I’m not really sure I understand why they all had move in together. Why couldn’t Doc just sleep in his doctor’s office and maybe Isaac and Gopher could have shared an empty passenger’s cabin during the cruise? (Julie did mention that there were some “small” cabins available.) Anyway, the important thing is that they all manage to survive the cruise without killing each other.

This was an uneven episode. The Captain annoyed with everyone as funny because Gavin MacLeod was always amusing whenever he acted annoyed. The storyline with the cheating couple was well-acted, if dramatically a bit unsatisfying. But then you get to all the stuff about Danny and his country family. I know that The Love Boat is not meant to be a realistic or particularly nuanced show but still, Danny’s family was portrayed as being such a bunch of hicks that I was half-expecting them to ask the Captain whether he ever worried about the boat sailing over the edge of the world. Loni Anderson and Slim Pickens gave likable performances but Donny Osmond was incredibly bland as Danny and the scenes where he “performed” featured some truly abysmal lip-synching. It was also a bit difficult to buy Rich Little as a swinger. He came across like he just couldn’t wait to get back home and hang out at the Elks Lodge.

This episode probably would have been fun if it had played out over a compact 60 minutes but, at two hours, things were just stretched a bit too thin.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.3 “Silent Witness”

Posted on November 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Mitch proves that he still has much to learn about being a private investigator.

Episode 1.3 “Silent Witness”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on October 14th, 1995)

Have you ever wondered why Mitch’s career as a private investigator didn’t last longer than just two years?

The simple answer, of course, is that Baywatch Nights did not exactly get the best ratings and the show was canceled after two seasons. Despite the fact that Baywatch Nights is an undeniably fun show, it was undoubtedly harmed by the fact that it didn’t feature lifeguards running in slow motion. It was a Baywatch spin-off that had little of what attracted viewers to the original show. Personally, I would think that the presence of David Hasselhoff would be enough but apparently, audiences in the 90s disagreed.

However, in-universe, I think Mitch’s failure to stick with the detective thing is that it doesn’t appear that he was very good at it.

Consider this episode. Hayley Cartwright (Paige Moss) is a teenage runaway who, while walking along the beach, spots a man in the ocean being pulled under the water and drowned by someone wearing a diving outfit. The murderer emerges from the ocean and tries to grab Haley. Haley gets away but not before the killer shouts at her to keep quiet or she’ll be next.

Mitch, who is jogging across the beach, spots a stunned and bruised Haley collapsing on the beach. Mitch checks out her injuries and assures her that she’s okay but Haley, who is understandably scared of everyone, runs away from him.

Later, Mitch is approached by a woman (Debby Boone) who says that her name is Lorraine and that she is Haley’s daughter. Lorraine says that she just wants her daughter to come home and she asks Mitch to help find her. Mitch agrees and sets out to find Haley while giving Lorraine regular updates.

Here’s what Mitch does not do. He doesn’t bother to ask for any identification from Lorraine. He doesn’t check out Lorraine’s story before agreeing to help her. He doesn’t stop to consider that Haley might have a reason for acting like she’s scared for her life. And really, it would have been good if Mitch had considered all of that because guess what? LORRAINE IS NOT HALEY’S MOTHER! Instead, she’s working with the killers!

Fortunately, Haley’s real mother (Janet Eilber) shows up and tells Ryan and Garner that she’s looking for her daughter. Ryan and Garner actually ask the woman for identification and the woman reveals that she not only has her driver’s license but she also brought Haley’s birth certificate! It’s a good thing that Haley’s real mom showed up because Mitch has found Haley hiding on a fishing boat and now, he’s having to defend her from the killers! Now, fortunately, Mitch may not be a good detective but he’s still David Hasselhoff so he is able to beat up the killers and save Haley’s life.

It’s a fairly standard episode, in that it’s not particularly memorable but the California scenery is nice to look at and it’s a show you can relax with. That said, the episode does have a brilliant opening, in which Mitch and Garner save Destiny from some bank robbers that are menacing her in an amusement park. This leads to a fight on a Ferris wheel and a miracle-go-round. Destiny is nearly run over by a miniature train! It’s a fun and over-the-top sequence, one that has next to nothing to do with the rest of the episode but it does indicate that the people involved in the show knew better than to take any of this too seriously.

Finally, Ryan gets a minor plot, in which she buys a home in Malibu, just to discover that she’s basically purchased land in a trailer park. It was silly but it showed off Angie Harmon and David Hasselhoff’s likable and playful chemistry. Watching the two of them together, it’s hard not to regret that Mitch wasn’t a better detective.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.2 “The Flying Aces/The Mermaid Returns”

Posted on November 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, a guest star from the past returns!

Episode 4.2 “The Flying Aces/The Mermaid Returns”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 1st, 1980)

The plane is landing, bringing with it a new group of Fantasy Island guests. As always, Tattoo steps out of the main Fantasy Island office, intent to head down to the lagoon and discover what this week’s fantasies will be. Except …. wait a minute …. where is Mr. Roarke!?

Tattoo waits for a few minutes and then looks around. Mr. Roarke is nowhere to be seen! Is it possible that, after three seasons of reported acrimony between him and Herve Villechaize, Ricardo Montalban has left the Island!? That would certainly make Tattoo happy. Though it was a storyline that was phased out as the show became more family friendly, Tattoo did spend the first two seasons of Fantasy Island talking about how he would like to be in charge of everything. Finally, Tattoo is in charge! Tattoo heads down to the landing lagoon and, for once, he’s the one who declares, “Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

However, Mr. Roarke has not left the Island. Instead, he’s been having a meeting with Nyah (Michelle Phillips), the mermaid who lives off the shore of Fantasy Island and who, during the third season, tried to tempt John Saxon to his death. Nyah reveals to Roarke that she wants to come to Fantasy Island as a guest because she had a fantasy of her own. Roarke informs her that, to do this, she will have to agree to be human for the weekend. Nyah agrees and Roarke makes a fist and closes his eyes tight. Suddenly, Nyah’s tail is replaced by legs!

Roarke then heads over to the landing lagoon, where he meets up with Tattoo. Tattoo is shocked when Nyah stumbles off of the plane. (So was I, as I was kind of under the assumption that the plane had already landed when Roarke had his conversation with her.) Tattoo wonders why Nyah is struggling to walk. Roarke explains that she’s still learning how to use her legs. When the friendly island girls offer her a drink and a lei, Nyah rudely shake her head. It’s not easy being human! Roarke explains that Nyah wants to experience human love.

As for the other guest, he’s an airline pilot named Tony Chilton (Sam Melville). Tony feels that World War II was the last time when men could truly be men and he has stated that his fantasy is to be a member of the 53rd fighting group, battling the Germans above New Zealand. However, as Roarke quickly deduces, Tony’s actual fantasy is to meet the father he never knew. David Chilton (Tom Wopat) was a member of the 53rd and he died in aerial combat.

Both fantasies play out pretty much the way that you probably expect that they would. Fantasy Island was a show that understood the importance of fulfilling expectations. For instance, you’ve probably already guessed that Nyah is going to end up announcing that she’s in love with Mr. Roarke and also that, by the end of the episode, Nyah is going to have realized that her home is in the ocean. But Nyah’s storyline is still enjoyable because Michelle Phillips does such a good job of playing Nyah and her struggle to figure out how humans do things like walk, make small talk, and wear clothes all the time. At first, Nyah is rude to almost everyone that she meets and I cringed a bit when Roarke disciplined her by giving her a spanking. (Oh hi, 1980!) But, at the same time, I could relate to Nyah because, from my childhood, I know what it’s like to constantly find yourself in a new town and a new school and having to figure out the customs of a whole new group of people. Sometimes, it’s not easy to learn how to walk in a new place.

As for the World War II story, Tony does meet with his father and he gets to bond with him. Awwww! Sadly, he also learns that Roarke wasn’t kidding when he warned that history cannot be changed. It was a simple story but it worked due to the heartfelt performances of Sam Melville and Tom Wopat. This storyline was unabashedly sentimental and all the better for it!

All in all, this was a good trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Chips 1.3 “Dog Gone”

Posted on November 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Baker gets a dog and Ponch makes an enemy!

Episode 1.3 “Dog Gone”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on September 29th, 1977)

When an adorable sheepdog puppy ends up on the Los Angeles highway, Baker and Ponch manage to rescue it, though not before it causes a minor wreck on an overpass. The official CHiP policy is that all stray animals should immediately be turned over to the shelter but Baker takes one look at the puppy and decides that he can’t just leave it with anyone else. In fact, every member of the highway patrol quickly falls in love with the dog.

Everyone except for Sgt. Getraer, who is allergic to dogs and makes it clear that the puppy is not to be kept around the station.

At first, Baker tries to keep the dog in his apartment but it turns out that the dog likes to bark. So, Baker heads out to the trailer park where Ponch lives in an RV and apparently spends all of his time watching football while only wearing his boxer shorts. (One gets the feeling that Erik Estrada had an “at least one shirtless scene per episode” clause in his contract.) Baker leaves the dog in the RV and then runs off before the half-naked Ponch can protest.

Fortunately, for Baker, Ponch decides that he loves the dog, which he named Fido.

Unfortunately, for Ponch, Fido’s owners eventually show up at the station and ask if anyone has seen their dog. The dog — who even I, while admittedly not being a dog person, has to admit is cute — is reunited with his family and I guess Ponch is alone again.

Meanwhile, three really stupid criminals — Boots (Bill Adler), Zero (Jeffrey Druce), and Little John (James Crittenden) — are really angry with Ponch because, at the scene of the earlier accident, Ponch prevented Boots from threatening another motorist. Boots and his friends hops into their dune buggy and decide to stalk Ponch and Baker. Boots even decides to sabotage Ponch’s motorcycle by loosening the front bolt so that the wheel will eventually come off while Ponch is riding it. However, these three criminals are so stupid that they sabotage the wrong motorcycle. As a result, the entire second half of the episode is full of close-ups of Baker’s front tire wobbling as he speeds down the highway.

The subplot with the criminals is really dumb but the way it plays out shows that Larry Wilcox had a point when he complained about the show’s producers always favoring Erik Estrada. Not only is Ponch the one who faces off against Boots at the scene of the accident but he’s also the one who gets to save Baker’s life at the end of the episode. When a guilt-stricken Zero goes to Getraer and tells him about what Boots did to the motorcycle, it doesn’t take long for Getraer to figure out that they accidentally sabotaged Baker’s motorcycle instead of Ponch’s. With Baker unable to hear his radio due to being involved in a high-speed chase, it falls to Ponch to chase after Baker and warn him. The bike still crashes but Baker is not seriously injured and Ponch …. well, Ponch is just a big damn hero!

(Admittedly, there is a scene earlier in the episode where Baker performs mouth-to-mouth recitation on a motorist who has had a heart attack and saves the man’s life. But even then, Ponch is the one pushing on the man’s chest to try to get his heart going again. Baker’s a good cop, the show tells us, but Ponch is a big damn hero.)

This episode …. well, at least the dog was cute! And the California scenery was lovely to look at. Still, a cop show like this needs to have some smart or at least intimidating criminals for the cops to do battle with and Boots was such an idiot that it was hard to take anything he and his gang did seriously. In the end, this was a typical episode of CHiPs, full of stiff acting but impressive motorcycle stunt work. Probably the most interesting thing about this episode was discovering that Baker was the one with a swinging bachelor pad while Ponch was the one living a solitary life in a trailer park. I’m just happy that the dog was reunited with its family.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.12 “Little Prince”

Posted on November 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs once again end up with a case that leaves them wondering what it all means.

Episode 1.12 “Little Prince”

(Dir by Alan J. Levi, originally aired on December 14th, 1984)

If nothing else, this episode of Miami Vice has a brilliant opening.

As Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood plays on the soundtrack, Gina and Trudy stumble down a Miami street. Trudy is shaking and sobbing and saying that she desperately needs a fix. A drug dealer named Luther (played an amazingly young and charismatic Giancarlo Esposito) steps out of the shadows and invites them to come back to his shooting gallery for a fix. Gina accuses Luther of being a cop. Luther smiles and points to a tear drop that’s been tattooed under his eye.

Gina and Trudy go to Luther’s shooting gallery, which they discover is full of strung-out people. (Luther calmly mentions that there’s at least two dead people in the apartment.) Of course, Gina and Trudy aren’t there to score drugs. They are there to make a bust, which they do as soon as Tubbs and Crockett arrive. (Tubbs and Crockett had to beat up an informant to find out where Luther’s shooting gallery was and, as a result, they’re running a little late.) Guns are fired. Gina gets to shoot yet another man. (Go Gina!) One junkie jumps out a window. Crockett says that the junkie probably landed on the fire escape. He looks out the window.

“No fire escape,” he says.

It’s a great opening. Unfortunately, it’s pretty much all downhill from there. This is the first episode of Miami Vice that just didn’t work for me.

One of the junkies arrested at the shooting gallery turns out to be Mark Jorgenson, Jr. (Mitchell Litchenstein), the son of the very wealthy Mark, Sr. (Paul Roebling). Mark, Jr. loves to play polo and he’s hooked on heroin. Because they’re convinced that he can be intimidated into giving up his dealer, Crockett and Tubbs put pressure on him. Crockett starts showing up at all of Mark, Jr.’s polo matches. He even meets Mary McDermott (Maryann Punkett), who is Mark Sr’s girlfriend and the closest thing that Mark Jr. has to a mother.

Over the course of the investigation, Crockett and Tubbs come to realize that Mark, Sr. is actually a big-time money launderer and drug boss. When they raid one of his warehouses, they discover that Mary is the one who handles all of the business transactions. After Mary turns up dead, Mark Jr. agrees to help the cops expose his father. Mark Jr. wears a wire, just for his father to finally tell him that he loves him before confessing to Mary’s murder. Mark, Sr. is arrested and Mark, Jr.’s life is ruined and Sonny wonders if it was all really worth it.

As I said, this episode didn’t work for me. Neither Mark Jr. nor Mark Sr. were particularly compelling characters and neither actor could do much with their underwritten characters. In particular, Mark, Jr. came across as being so spoiled and whiny that I really didn’t care whether his life was ruined or not. Brilliant opening aside, this was a forgettable episode.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.11 “It’s Late”

Posted on November 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, we have the episode that would eventually turn out to be the most important in the history of the Degrassi franchise.

Episode 1.11 “It’s Late”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on March 29th, 1987)

This is it. This is not only the episode that really established Degrassi Junior High as a show that dealt, honestly, with things that teenagers were actually dealing with but it’s also the episode that, albeit unintentionally, lay the groundwork for what would become Degrassi: The Next Generation. It was an episode that was considered to be so controversial that the BBC refused to air the episode. Indeed, It’s Late would not air in the UK until 1988, by which point the repercussions of this episode had already been felt in every episode that followed.

(How confusing must it have been to be a British Degrassi fan in the 80s?)

This episode opens with a party at Lucy’s house where, as usual, Lucy’s parents are not present. While Joey, Wheels, and the twins wait outside, Spike and her boyfriend, Shane, lock themselves in a guest room. “What are you guys doing in there?” one of the twins — I think it was Heather but who knows, to be honest — repeatedly asks.

A few weeks later, Spike comes to school in a bad mood. She’s late to Mr. Raditch’s class and Mr. Raditch mentions — in front of everyone! — that Spike’s grades have been suffering and that she’s no longer that good role model that she used to be. (Seriously, that’s kind of harsh, Raditch.) When Shane smiles at her from the back of the classroom, Spike looks away without a word.

After class, Joey and Wheels try to get Shane to tell them about what happened at the party. “Haven’t you guys ever had sex before?” Shane asks, with a smirk that is just begging to be slapped off of his face. Both Joey and Wheels lie and say that they’ve had lots of sex. But still, Joey has some questions. For instance, why won’t Spike talk to Shane. Shane says he’s not sure what Spike is upset about. “I bet she’s got her period!” Joey announces.

However, as Spike tells Heather and Erica Farrell, the opposite is the case. She’s late and she’s now frightened that she might be pregnant. Unfortunately, Spike has no one to talk to about sex. She’s scared to tell her mother (Rhonda Kristi). The twins are clueless about sex. Lucy tells Spike not to worry because she’s heard that you can’t get pregnant from your first time. When Spike tells Shane that she’s scared that she might be pregnant, Shane walks away from her without a word. Spike is totally alone and can only watch and listen as people around her either go crazy over baby pictures or complain about how much they can’t stand their kids.

Eventually, Spike does buy a pregnancy test but, when she arrives home, her mother demands to know what’s in the bag. Finally, Spike shows her the test and Spike’s mother takes her to a clinic to find out for sure. Shane, who still looks shell-shocked, also shows up at the clinic. Spike’s mother tells Spike that no matter what happens, “I’m behind you.”

And….

Actually, let’s get the B-plot out of the way really quickly. Yes, even the most important episode in the history the Degrassi franchise had a B-plot, featuring Arthur and Yick. In this case, Yick has to work up the courage to ask out Melanie. And he finally does, though only after misquoting a poem and causing Melanie to have an allergic reaction by giving her a bunch of flowers. Still, Melanie is excited to ice skating with Yick. Good for them! I just hope Yick can actually go on his date without Arthur demanding to come along. Seriously, Arthur is way too clingy.

Anyway, back to the plot we care about.

Spike is pregnant! The episode ends with Spike and Shane talking in a school stairwell, trying to figure out what they’re going to do. Neither wants to be a parent. Spike doesn’t think that she could have a baby and give it up for adoption. She says, “Maybe I could just not have it,” just for Shane to say that he’s against abortion. Of course, Shane also says, “You’re not going to want me to marry you, are you?” so maybe Shane should just keep his opinions to himself.

“It was just a little mistake,” Spike says.

“It was kind of a big mistake,” Shane replies.

The episode ends with a freeze-frame of Spike’s tear-streaked face. Suddenly, the cheerful Degrassi music starts up. Other reviewers have commented on how jarring it can sometimes be to hear the peppy Degrassi theme song after spending 30 minutes watching teenagers deal with things like eating disorders, bullying, drug abuse, mental health issues, and unplanned pregnancies and they have a point. That said, in this case, the combination of the very sad freeze frame and the jaunty music actually provides a bit of a relief for a very dramatic episode. It gives the viewer an excuse to breathe a sigh of relief and smile.

This is one of Degrassi Junior High‘s best episodes, one that is intelligently written and which also is carried by Amanda Stepto’s strong and emotionally honest performance as Spike. (Reportedly, for years after this episode aired, Stepto received letters from girls asking her for advice.) Those of us who are fans of the Degrassi franchise know that Spike is going to keep the baby, Shane is going to have a bad acid trip and end up in an assisted living facility, and their daughter is going to be the center of the first eight seasons of Degrassi: The Next Generation. We also know that Joey is eventually become much less of a jerk and Spike is going to end up marrying Snake. But that’s all waiting in the future. This episode ends with two teenagers still struggling to come to terms with the fact that, at 14, their lives have changed forever.

Retro Television Reviews: The Secret Life of John Chapman (dir by David Lowell Rich)

Posted on November 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1976’s The Secret Life of John Chapman! It can be viewed on Tubi.

John Chapman (Ralph Waite) is a mild-mannered college president and a recent widower. Everyone tends to assume that John grew up wealthy but John is actually the son of a bricklayer. As he puts it, his father literally helped to build the college of which John is now president. John has felt lost and directionless ever since the passing of his wife. When his rebellious son (Brad Davis) announces that he’s going to drop out of college and pursue a career as a laborer, John is at first outraged but soon, he’s wondering if perhaps his son has a point. Has John spent so much time cocooned in his college that he’s lost touch with the rest of the world?

John takes a sabbatical and pursues a career as a blue collar worker. He discovers that it’s not as easy as he assumed. Because John doesn’t want to reveal that he’s an academic, John doesn’t really have any references to offer up to potential employers. Because he’s nearly 50, John is continually told that he’s too old for most of the jobs that he applies for. When he goes into a bar and attempts to order a dry martini, he quickly realizes that he has no idea what it’s like to be blue collar.

John eventually does get a job, helping to lay water pipes. His boss is the gruff Gus Reed (Pat Hingle), who John eventually discovers is not quite as fearsome a figure as he originally appears. Once the pipe job is done, John gets a job in a diner and even pursues a tentative romance with a waitress (Susan Anspach) who, as she points out, comes from a totally different world than him. And yet, despite John’s efforts, his son remains unimpressed. According to his son, John is just slumming. He has the freedom to quit and return to the college whenever he wants.

Yikes! John’s son is a bit judgmental and it doesn’t help that he’s played by Brad Davis, who was never a particularly likable actor. (Davis later starred in Midnight Express, in which director Alan Parker used his lack of likability to good effect.) Yet, watching the film, you can’t help but feel that John’s son has a point. At times, it seems like John wants a lot of credit for spending a week working in the type of job that most people take because they don’t have any other option. Indeed, you could argue that John’s project is basically keeping someone who really needs the money from finding a job. It’s not like John gives up any of his money when he goes to work. It doesn’t help that John Chapman narrates his story and his voice-over often feels like a parody of liberal noblesse oblige.

Fortunately, Ralph Waite was a likable actor and he plays John Chapman as being well-intentioned if occasionally a bit condescending. The made-for-TV movie plays like a pilot and it’s easy to imagine a series in which John Chapman would have worked a different job every week. It’s a slight but pleasant-enough made-for-TV movie. Seen today, it works best as a time capsule, a portrait of a society still trying to find its identity in the wake of the turbulence of the 60s.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out! 1.8 “….Or Get Off The Pot”

Posted on November 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

After celebrating Thanksgiving and my sister’s birthday, all in the same week, I’m exhausted but I still managed to review yet another episode of Check It Out! So, I guess …. check it out below!

Episode 1.8 “….Or Get Off The Pot”

(Dir by Ari Dikijian, originally aired on November 20th, 1985)

As this week’s episode opens, Edna (Dinah Christie) is excited because it’s her 7-year anniversary with Howard! Seven years ago, Howard took her out to celebrate Secretary’s Day and they ended up going back to his place. What some people would call a clear breach of workplace etiquette, Edna calls the beginning of something wonderful. She can’t wait to see what Howard is going to do for their anniversary!

And what is Howard planning on doing? He’s planning on going bowling with the guys.

YIKES!

Realizing that Howard seems to have real issues with commitment, Edna follows a friend’s advice and she demands that Howard join her in seeing a relationship therapist. Howard is not a big fan of therapy and he tries to get out of it by moving back his bowling game and offering to take Dinah to a theme restaurant afterwards. (The restaurant’s theme? Bowling!) Edna does not agree. Therapy it is!

Needless to say, the therapy doesn’t go well. There’s only one happy couple at the session and they’re married but not to each other. Everyone else is miserable, despite the fact that their therapist is played by Helen Seymour, who played the nice (and doomed) laundromat owner in the original My Bloody Valentine. Edna eventually gives Howard an ultimatum about proposing to her but she changes her mind after Howard apologizes for taken her for granted. After a night of anniversary sex (“You apologized several times,” Edna says), Howard agrees to marry her someday and Edna agrees not to run off with her building’s gardener.

Meanwhile, the employees of Cobb’s pool their money to buy Howard and Edna an anniversary gift. Why would they do that? Like seriously, they’re always talking about how little they get paid but now, they’re pooling their money to buy a gift for someone else’s anniversary? Anyway, Christian takes their money and buys Howard a new golf club. Good for him!

This episode didn’t add up too much but, on the plus side, Don Adams and Dinah Christie had more chemistry in this episode than they had in previous episodes. This is the first time, since I started watching this show, that I’ve believed Howard and Edna as a couple. That said, their relationship is still probably the least interesting part of this show. So far, the best episodes of Check It Out! have been the ones taking place not in the office but on the salesfloor.

Next week, someone is stealing the store’s pricey gourmet food! Can Howard catch the Phantom of the Market!?

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 2.22 “I’m Having Their Baby”

Posted on November 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the Sweathogs make like difficult for a pregnant woman.

Episode 2.22 “I’m Having Their Baby”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 24th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe is saying goodbye to Julie because he’s going to a week-long teacher’s convention. Before he leaves, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who worked at the same job for several years without getting a promotion because he wasn’t bright enough.

Meanwhile, at school, the Sweathogs are waiting for their substitute and wondering why Mr. Kotter did not invite Mrs. Kotter to the convention. Why do they care? I always made fun of City Guys for the bizarre obsession all of the students had for their principal but the Sweathogs are almost as bad with their obsessing on the Kotter marriage. Mr. Woodman steps into the room and introduces them to their substitute, Mr. Overly (Frank Corsentino). Woodman assures Mr. Overly that the Sweathogs are wonderful students.

Later, the Sweathogs are hanging around outside of the school and talking about how Mr. Overly left the classroom in tears. Julie walks by, carrying a bunch of groceries. The Sweathogs help her take the groceries to her apartment. Unaware that Julie hates them and is trying to get them to go home, they all decide to hang out in her living room. Epstein mentions that all of the Sweathogs’s mothers were pregnant at one time or another.

“Not my mother,” Barbarino replies, “She’s a saint.” Barbarino goes on to explain that stork “don’t bring babies no more …. they fired the storks.”

Julie tells the Sweathogs, “I am a pregnant woman and pregnant women have cravings. I’m craving privacy.”

Usually, Julie kind of annoys me but she’s absolutely right here. GO HOME, SWEATHOGS! Seriously, Gabe should have called the police the first time they broke in through the fire escape.

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs — with the exception of Barbarino — finally figure out that Julie was mad at them and now, Gabe will be angry at them. Freddie says that they need to do something to make it up to Julie. “What would a young expectant mother want?” he wonders.

“A husband!” Epstein says.

“She’s got a husband!”

“A better one!”

Epstein suggests throwing a surprise party …. oh no, this sound like a bad idea….

Woodman then shows up with the new substitute (Ned Wertimer), who says he doesn’t want any trouble and that he has two kids.

“They’re going to miss ya,” Epstein says.

After school, the Sweathogs somehow get into the Kotter apartment, even though Julie is not there. Sweathogs, this is not a good idea! Apparently, they’ve decided to clean the apartment for Julie, which leads to Epstein accidentally trashing the place while trying to vacuum and Horshack putting way too much dish soap in the sink. Soon, there are bubbles everywhere. Julie comes home to discover the apartment trashed.

“Surprise!” Barbarino shouts.

“What are you guys doing here!?” Julie demands.

“Cleaning up!” Epstein replies.

The Sweathogs apologize and Barbarino actually has a tear in his eye. (Awwwwww! BARBARINO!) Gabe calls and Julie tells him that the Sweathogs are at the apartment. Freddie takes the phone and says, “Hi there.” Horshack, who is really annoying in this episode, grabs the phone and yells, “Hello, big buckaroo!” Julie gets the phone back and assures Gabe that the Sweathogs have been total gentlemen.

Hanging up the phone, Julie thanks the Sweathogs for their good intentions. The Sweathogs return to school, where they discover that their third substitute (Larry Brooks) is 7’1 and not easily intimidated.

Finally, Woodman stops by the apartment and tells Julie a joke about a woman who goes to the police after a random man tells her that her baby is the ugliest he’s ever seen. The policeman says, “Lady, calm down. We’ll make out a report, you’ll have a cup of coffee, and we’ll get a banana for your monkey.” Julie is not amused but I laughed typing the joke out. Woodman is so proud of the joke that you can’t help but be happy for him. You also can’t help but appreciate the gleeful madness that John Sylvester White brought to the role.

I have to say, as someone who really, really likes her space, this episode made me cringe. It takes a lot to make me feel sorry for Julie but the Sweathogs pulled it off! As the second season comes to a close (we’ve got the finale next week), it’s hard not to notice that Sweathogs have been progressively been getting more and more cartoonish in their antics. They were always pretty over-the-top but, during the first season and the first half of the second season, they still came across as being believable teenagers. When the show started, there was a vulnerability to the Sweathogs, all of whom were basically good kids who had spent their entire life being told they were worthless. That vulnerability seems to disappear after the Sweathogs got locked in that museum and that’s kind of a shame.

Next week, season 2 comes to an end!