Rebekka Armstrong – Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, some of the players get trapped in the woods.

Episode 5.8 “Vindication”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on December 6th, 1989)

It’s time for the Barbara Ann Awards.

The Barbara Ann Awards are a never-before mentioned annual tradition in which Dr. Death, Jethro, Bubba, and Zagreb go to a cabin in the woods with a bunch of women and the women compete to be the new Barbara Ann. Yep, it’s just as sleazy as it sounds. Fortunately, this year sees the players being stalked by two mask-wearing, chainsaw-carrying psychoes. While the women hide in the cabin, the players go out to battle their stalkers and, instead, they end up getting caught in a net. Oh no! Is this the end of the California Bulls? (Well, four of them, at least….)

Fortunately, no. It turns out that it was all a practical joke that was set up by the women. Yay! Put those men in their place! The players are so impressed that they give the title of Barbara Ann to the woman who came up with the joke. This whole thing was pretty silly but at least it felt appropriate for October viewing.

The episode’s other storyline featured Johnny Gunn being interviewed by reporter Susan McDermitt (Catherine MacNeal). With protestors constantly picketing the games and calling Johnny a murderer, TD Parker (OJ Simpson) figures that it’s time for some damage control. TD understands just how damaging it is to the reputation of the game to have a player who is routinely accused of being a murderer.

So, Susan and Johnny go to Johnny’s hometown in Pennsylvania. We learn about Johnny’s past as a foster kid and a high school football star. In a somewhat implausible scene, Johnny’s ex-girlfriend (Tally Chanel) admits on camera that she lied about what happened the night that Johnny killed a man. It turns out that Johnny was actually acting in self-defense.

“I’m glad that’s taken care of!” OJ says as he watches the news report.

This is another episode of 1st & Ten that’s impossible to watch without thinking about OJ Simpson’s later life. Every time OJ started to talk about how unfair it was that Johnny was being judged for being a murderer, I cringed just a little bit. The episode’s contention that one positive news story was all Johnny needed to get on with his life was almost charming in its naiveté.

Next week …. well, who knows? Hopefully, it won’t involve any more murders.

Dr. Divine Will See You Now!

Dr. Divine (Ron Ray) has a successful practice going in his heavily guarded clinic. The mixed-up mutants and rednecks who work for him go out into the city and bash attractive 20-year-olds on the head. They drag them back to the clinic, where old people pay a million dollars to have their brains put into younger bodies.

“If you’ve been thinking about plastic surgery, Dr. Divine would like to change your mind!”

Dr. Divine has a point. Why get plastic surgery when you can just pay a million dollars to have your brain scooped out of your skull and stuffed into someone else’s head? Laugh at the plot all you want. Jordan Peele won an Oscar for coming up with the same basic story. Of course, The Immortalizer doesn’t have any of the subtext of Get Out. In fact, it doesn’t have any subtext at all, beyond the fact that everyone wants a body that’s healthier than the one they’ve got.

Gregg (Chris Crone) is among those abducted. He manages to escape from the clinic, but he struggles to get anyone to take him seriously when he tells them about what’s happening. Eventually, he does get some help, but will it be in time to save his friends?

This is very much a direct-to-video, late-’80s horror film, complete with big hair, bad acting, and gratuitous nudity to go along with the lengthy shots of the brain surgery. The doctor worries about the bodies getting damaged, but he’s the one who is opening up people’s heads and moving brains around. That’s going to leave scars. It’s fun in the nonsensical way that most late-night Cinemax horror films were fun. It’s on Tubi, and it’s a nostalgia rush, even if the title does sound like the name of a minor Marvel comic villain.

Spider-Man vs. The Immortalizer? My money is on Spider-Man. He’s been around since 1962, and he’s still only in his 20s. Who needs brain surgery when you’ve got radioactive spiders?