Dracula vs. LBJ: Who Would Win?

Posted on October 31, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

For my final President Elect simulation of this year’s horrorthon, I decided to see what would happen if, in 1964, Dracula had been the Republican nominee against LBJ. I had already discovered that Dracula would have easily defeated both Frankenstein’s Monster and Jimmy Carter in a presidential election. Would he be able to do the same with LBJ?

In the real world, LBJ easily defeated the Republican nominee, Barry Goldwater. LBJ benefitted from public sympathy for the Kennedy family and also from a brutally negative campaign that portrayed Goldwater as being a war monger. Johnson won 61% of the popular vote and he carried 44 states (and DC). Goldwater won only 38% of the popular vote and carried only 6 states (5 in the Deep South and his home state of Arizona). At the time, Goldwater’s defeat was portrayed as being the end of the Republican Party. Instead, Goldwater’s losing campaign set the foundations that would later lead to election of Ronald Reagan in the 80s.

How would Dracula have done against LBJ? Would Dracula, with his superb speaking skills and his hypnotic magnetism, have been able to defeat LBJ despite the incumbent’s strengths?

According to President Elect, LBJ would have still won if Dracula had been the nominee but the election would have been much closer, as far as the popular vote was concerned. During the simulation, Dracula was such a strong candidate that LBJ even debated him twice. Dracula won both times but LBJ was still able to hold his own. If LBJ had made a serious gaffe during the debate, the election would have turned out differently. It was a risk but it was a risk that paid off for Johnson.

The first results of election night tells the story:

Though Johnson easily won the District of Columbia, the rest of the states were much closer. Dracula did well in the South and in the west. Johnson did well in the North and the Industrial Midwest. It was Iowa that put him over the top.

In the end, Dracula carried 18 states while Johnson won the other 32 (and D.C.).

(In President Elect, the Republican states are colored blue while the Democratic states are red. It took me a while to get used to it too.)

Against Dracula, Johnson still scored an electoral landslide but the popular vote was much closer.

So, if you’re ever wondering which President could have defeated Dracula, the answer is Lyndon B. Johnson.

And Ronald Reagan. But you already knew that.

Dracula vs. Jimmy Carter: Who Would Win?

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Earlier this week, I used the President Elect simulator to discover who would win if Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and The Mummy ran against each other in the 2024 presidential election. Dracula won easily. The Monster carried D.C. and that’s it.

Then, I decided to see what would have happened in Frankenstein’s Monster had run against Richard Nixon in 1960. Nixon won easily. Even though the Monster received more votes against Nixon than he did against Dracula, he was still only able to carry two states in the Deep South, Georgia and Mississippi.

Today, I decided to see how Dracula would have done against Jimmy Carter in 1976. I set up the simulation with the same economic and world conditions that Carter, Gerald Ford, and third party candidate Eugene McCarthy were debating in 1976. The only difference is that I substituted Dracula for Gerald Ford. No longer would Ford carry the stain of pardoning Nixon. Now, it would be Dracula. Again, I gave Dracula high score for his speaking ability, his personal magnetism, and his ability to stay cool under pressure. I also made sure that Dracula’s campaign platform represented his authoritarian politics.

In the end, Dracula’s platform didn’t matter. Watergate didn’t matter. The economy didn’t matter. Dracula wiped the floor with both Carter and McCarthy. Carter challenged Dracula to one debate. Dracula blew him out of the water. In real life, Carter narrowly defeated Ford after Ford lost their debates. In the simulation, Dracula dominated the election.

On election night, Carter got one piece of good news when he won the District of Columbia.

However, that would be all that Carter would win. Dracula won the next state and never looked back.

Carter was strangely competitive in Rhode Island, only losing the state by a few thousand votes. As for the rest of the states:

Sorry, Jimmy. The people have spoken.

President Elect: Nixon vs Frankenstein’s Monster

Posted on October 29, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Yesterday, I used the old President Elect simulator to determine who would win a presidential election between Frankenstein’s Monster, Dracula, and The Mummy. Dracula crushed both of his opponents, mostly because neither Frankenstein nor The Mummy could really speak.

Today, I decided to see if Frankenstein’s Monster would have had better luck if the Democrats had nominated him to run against Richard M. Nixon in 1960. In the real world, John F. Kennedy narrowly defeated Nixon, despite the popularity of Dwight Eisenhower. (Kennedy had some extra help in Illinois.) Nixon had the experience and the depth of policy knowledge but Kennedy had the charisma that Nixon lacked. After logging into President Elect, I imagined a situation in which the Democrats of 1960 turned not to Kennedy but to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just as he had with Dracula, I imagined that Frankenstein would run on a largely non-partisan platform that put strong emphasis on fire prevention. As well, I had to give Frankenstein low scores on his speaking ability and his ability to stay cool under pressure. But he did get a high personal magnetism score because people have been interested in him for over 200 years. Would that be enough to beat the similarly challenged Nixon?

No, it would not.

Just as with the campaign against Dracula, it was obvious who was going to win from the start. Frankenstein’s Monster barely campaigned and, unlike Kennedy, he refused to debate Nixon.

On election night, the first result told the story.

The good news is that, unlike when he ran against Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster actually did manage carry a state. In fact, he carried two. He won both Mississippi and Georgia, receiving 51% of the vote in both. Every other state, he lost to Nixon.

The final vote tally:

Managing to win 43% of the vote while being unable to speak or be around fire is actually pretty impressive. But Frankenstein’s Monster still could not beat Richard Nixon.

Frankenstein vs. Dracula vs. The Mummy: Who Would Win?

Posted on October 28, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

If the next presidential election were held today and the major candidates were Frankenstein, Dracula, and The Mummy, who would win?

I know that’s a question that has been on everyone’s mind and, in order to find out, I went to the Internet Archive and ran the scenario through a game called President Elect. President Elect was developed as an election simulator in the 80s and it is still considered to be one of the best and most accurate games of its type. Over the years, President Elect has correctly predicted the results of almost every election since 1988.

After setting the game to duplicate both the fragile state of the American economy and the uncertain outlook of our current place in the world, I then selected my three nominees. Frankenstein’s Monster ran as the Democratic candidate. He had no platform, beyond more funds for fire prevention. As a public speaker, I had to give him a low rating and I also had to admit that he wasn’t good at maintaining his cool under pressure. However, I did give him high marks on the “personal magnetism” scale because people have been fascinated by the monster for over two hundred years. Frankenstein’s Monster may seemed like the underdog but perhaps voters would be moved by his personal story and his refusal to take definite positions on the issues.

Running for the Republicans was Dracula. As for as public speaking, personal magnetism, and staying calm under pressure, Dracula got the highest rating available. But his platform was undeniably extreme, with absolutely no concern for human rights. Dracula was the only candidate to be opposed to the agendas of the Religious Right, the National Organization for Women, and the NRA. (The last thing that a vampire would want would be for everyone to have access to silver bullets.) Would he be too extreme for the voters?

Finally, running as an independent was the Mummy. The Mummy had roughly the same platform as Dracula but little of the personal magnetism. In fact, the Mummy could not even speak. But he was determined to get what he wanted and again, he scored high on the personal magnetism because he’s been in so many movies despite spending all of his time under wraps.

I allowed the game to simulate the 9 weeks between Labor Day and the election. Not surprisingly, Frankenstein’s Monster refused to debate Dracula. As a third party candidate, the Mummy struggled to keep up financially. I was expecting a close election with a lot of fireworks but instead, it was clear from week one who was going to win. Dracula led in the polls from the start and, within the first hour of election night, he had the 270 electoral votes necessary to claim the presidency. He went on to win a lot more than just 270 though.

Here are the votes by state:

America went full Dracula, not only giving him 60% of the popular vote but also 535 electoral votes. Frankenstein’s Monster won only the District of Columbia and, even then, he only received 67% of the vote in this Democratic stronghold. After D.C., Frankenstein’s best states were Minnesota and Rhode Island, in which he took 47% of the vote. The Mummy turned out not to be a factor at all, despite winning 5% of the vote in Florida. Frankenstein’s Monster may have had the most compassionate platform but Dracula had the charisma. His best states were Idaho and Utah, both of which he won with 71% of the vote.

See you at the inauguration!

The Further Adventures of Jedadiah Leland In The Internet Archive

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Jedadiah Leland

Tonight, I returned to the Internet Archive. The last time I was there, I had promised that I would come back and play a game called Sex Olympics. I was not really being serious when I wrote that but, as I have learned over the past few days, when you promise your editor that you are going to review a game called Sex Olympics, she is not going to let you off the hook until you do it.

However, before playing Sex Olympics, I decided to run another scenario through President Elect (1987, Strategic Simulations, Inc.).

The last time I played President Elect, I simulated the current election and the game predicted that Donald Trump would win 535 electoral votes and 56% of the popular vote. (For the record, Hillary did win the District of Columbia.) This time, I decided to see what would have happened if, in 1980, the GOP had not selected Ronald Reagan and instead given their nomination to North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms.

According to the simulation, independent candidate John Anderson would have received a lot more votes than the 5 million he won in the actual election:

(For the record, in the actual election, Ronald Reagan won 50% of the popular vote, Jimmy Carter took 41% and John Anderson received 6.6%.)

But what would the electoral college look like?

In the simulation, John Anderson won the most electoral votes with 233. But it takes 270 electoral votes to win the election.

That’s not good.

There you have it! Jimmy Carter would have come in third but he still would have been elected President. Jesse Helms would have returned to the Senate and John Anderson would have been screwed over.

Once that was settled, I was ready to play Sex Olympics (1990, Free Spirit Software, Inc).

In Sex Olympics, you are legendary porn actor and intergalactic superstud Brad Stallion. You have been recruited to represent Earth in the Sex Olympics. Your goal is to go from planet to planet and do it with as many aliens as possible. But you have to be clever and you have to be quick because your main competition is Dr. Dildo and he appears to be much better at this than you are.

When the game starts, you are here:

You have a blond assistant named Sandie, who you can either ask questions or screw. Since Sandie never had much to say whenever I tried to talk to her, I went with screw.

Yeah, that’s hot.

Unfortunately, neither talking to nor screwing Sandie helped me with my main problem. I could not figure out how to get out of the damn room! I clicked on both doors. I clicked on the window. I pushed the “e” key for east and the “n” key for north. I tried to call someone on the phone. No matter what I did, the same thing happened:

Finally, I figured out that you had to click use and then click a very specific place on the door on the west wall if you wanted to go outside. Clicking on go and then the door won’t work. Clicking on use and then clicking on door won’t work. No, you have to click on use and then click exactly on the door knob if you want to go outside.

I bet this crap never happens to Dr. Dildo.

Once I finally managed to get outside, I found the Big Thruster waiting for me.

Inside Big Thruster, I discovered all the planets that I could go to in my effort to defeat Dr. Dildo and prove Earth’s carnal superiority:

Let’s go to the big red one. Why not?

The big red planet turned out to be planet of volcanoes. This did not look promising but at least there was a village in the valley below.

I was heading into the village when suddenly…

That dog looks really mean! Forget this, I’ll just go back to Big Thruster and visit another planet!

This little white planet looks promising. Let’s see what it’s like.

Is that an igloo? Let’s see if anyone’s down there!

This is a lot better than that killer dog on the volcano planet! Let’s heat this igloo up!

“Inge has nothing to say.” That line pretty much sums up the entire game.

Oh, I have to manually tell the game that I want to remove my clothes? Sorry, I just assumed that it was implied.

Is it usually this difficult to have sex with a blue-skinned alien on an ice planet!?

Things got a lot more difficult when I was suddenly told that I had been arrested for indecent exposure and sent back to Earth!

I don’t have time for this! I’m trying to defend the honor of Earth!

Good for Dr. Dildo.

Eventually, I was released from jail and I was sent back to where it all started.

And that’s when I said forget it. This is too much trouble for a planet that is not even willing to support me. Dr. Dildo can have the medal. Brad Stallion is retired!

After being left disappointed by Sex Olympics, I decided to try playing a game called Survival In New York City (Keypunch, 1986).

Survival in New York City is a text adventure game from Keypunch, a company that was notorious for stealing other people’s games and releasing them without any designer credits. That appears to be the case of Survival in New York City.

It’s still not a bad game. You wake up in an alley in New York City with no memory of who you are or how you got there.

Your goal is to not get killed while exploring New York. That is easier said than done.

A piece of advice: Don’t go near the teenagers until you have figured how to get a gun.

I played Survival In New York a few times. I got further every time but I still ended up dying. Sometimes, I was killed by teens. Sometimes, I was killed by Hell’s Angels. It is a game that I will be playing again.

After that grim journey through New York, I decided to finish off my visit by playing a classic, Lemonade Stand (1973, Minnesota Educational Computing Consortium).

Lemonade Stand was the very first business simulation game. You have a lemonade stand. Every day, you decide how much lemonade to make, how many signs to make, and how much to charge per glass. If you do a good job, you make money. If you do a bad job, you go out of business and have to live with the shame of failure for the rest of your life.

For some reason, I decided to open my lemonade stand on a cloudy day.

Because of the bad weather, I did not sell any lemonade on that day or the next. Finally, on the third day, I decided to take a chance and see what would happen if I tried to sell on a cloudy day. It was time to take a risk.

I know that some people would say, “With a 50% chance of rain, why even try?” I’ll tell you why. In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.

Besides, what’s the worse that could happen?

At this point, I did what any gamer would do when the game was not going his way. I quit and started over.

Sunny! Now, this is more like it!

I took a chance. I invested all of my money in making lemonade. Unfortunately, that left me no money for advertising.

I ended up throwing out 70 glasses of lemonade but I still made a profit. That’s the important thing. Now, my fate and the fate of my lemonade business depended on tomorrow’s weather.

Oh yeah, baby! Hot and dry!

I had learned my lesson from yesterday. I made less glasses but I paid for two signs. And I charged a little more because it’s hot and dry. People are suffering out there. They need my lemonade and I need their money.

$4.15 in profit! I am a business genius! Get out of my way, Bill Gates! Look out, Warren Buffett! There’s a new player on the block!

But then I asked myself, “When did this crazy business become all about money?” It was supposed to be about the lemonade. I had made my money and proven my point. Taking my $4.15 with me, I pressed ESC and retired from the lemonade game.

I never looked back.

After that, I left the Internet Archive. I was through exploring for the night but I knew that I would come back in the future and simulate another presidential election or attempt to survive in New York City or maybe I would even get back in the lemonade business.

But you can forget about the Sex Olympics.

Dr. Dildo can have that medal.

Jedadiah Leland’s Adventures In The Internet Archive

Posted on August 6, 2016 by Jedadiah Leland

I have just returned from exploring the Internet Archive. The Archive, which is also the home of the Wayback Machine, is a non-profit online library with millions of free books, movies, software, music, and websites. In particular, I have always been interested in their collection of old MS-DOS games and that is what I was looking at tonight. While I could have played Oregon Trail or maybe one of the many Leisure Suit Larry games available, I instead decided to check out four lesser known games.

The first game I played was Hidden Agenda (1988, Trans Fiction Systems, Inc.)

Hidden Agenda is a strategy game. You have just taken over as the president of a South American country and you have to decide how you are going to rule. Are you going to be a corrupt dictator or an idealistic reformer?

I played the game twice. The first time I played, I filled my cabinet with right-wingers, pardoned the leader of the former dictator’s death squad, and sanctioned the murder of a labor leader. The second time I played, I filled my cabinet with communists, jailed the leader of the death squad, and gave into every demand. Both times, my government was overthrown after a year and I was executed in my office.

Hidden Agenda has a learning curve that I have yet to master but it was still an interesting game. Some players will probably find it to be too dry but I appreciated that the game attempted to take a realistic approach to the trials and tribulations of leading a post-revolutionary society.

After getting executed for the second time, I decided to play a safer political simulation, President Elect (1987, Strategic Simulations, Inc.).

A perfect game for political junkies, President Elect allows you to manage a presidential campaign. You can either take part in a historical campaign, like Kennedy vs. Nixon in 1960, or you can create your own candidates by answering questions about their positions and their abilities as a campaigner. You get to decide everything your candidate does, from what states he visits to whether or not he agrees to a debate.

I decided to run a simulation based on the current election. Since the game does not include any candidates beyond 1988, I created versions of Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Gary Johnson. I did my best to be fair and unbiased while determining their strengths and weaknesses as campaigners. For instance, I gave Hillary a low public speaking rating while rating her highly for her poise under pressure. I gave Trump a low score for poise under pressure but a high score for his ability to get and hold an audience’s attention. I then entered in the current economic conditions.

For 9 game weeks, I managed Gary Johnson’s campaign and got nowhere. I did not have as much money as Trump or Clinton, which meant I could not afford to campaign as extensively as they could, and I watched as my national support got smaller and smaller with each passing week. On election night, it was clear who was going to win.

I don’t want to panic anyone but here’s the final result of the simulation:

After watching Donald Trump win every state in the union (though he did lose the District of Columbia), I decided to give Kingmaker (1994, TM Games) a try.

Kingmaker opens with none other than William Shakespeare explaining the history behind the War of the Roses.

In Kingmaker, you are one of the claimants battling to become the king of England. After Shakespeare’s introduction, you are given a series of options regarding how difficult you want your game to be. This was my favorite:

Advanced plague? This was going to be fun!

Unfortunately, then the game started:

I spent a few minutes moving the arrow over England and clicking. Nothing happened. I clicked on the boxes at the bottom of the screen. Nothing happened. I clicked on the names over on the right side of the screen. Nothing happened.

I had run into the biggest potential problem with playing the games in the Internet Archive: none of the games come with their original instruction manual. Kingmaker looked like it could have been fun and I usually enjoy strategy games but I got frustrated trying to figure out how it worked. Perhaps if I can find a copy of the game’s manual, I will try to play it again.

Once it became clear that I was never going to figure out how to play Kingmaker, I decided to try Executive Suite (1982, Armonk Corporation).

Executive Suite is a largely text-based game in which you attempt to go from an entry-level job to being president of the Mighty Microcomputer Corporation.

The game starts with the receptionist, Angie, asking if your resume is on file or if you need to go through the interview process. Angie is so helpful! I bet MMC is going to be a great place to work!

Since I did not have a resume on file, I decided to submit to the interview process.

The interview started normally enough.

The interviewer then asked me what part of the country I was from. I selected the northeast.

The questions continued. The interviewer asked me where I went to college. He asked me if I had an advanced degree. He asked me what I majored in. I selected Girls. (That was an option.)

Then he asked me this:

I am sure that question violated some sort of law but I must have given the right answer because he then told me this:

Finally, I was allowed to apply for a job.

Once I was finally hired, I was presented with my first big decision:

Of course I’m going to go drinking with the boys! What could possibly go wrong?

That worked out well! This Bucky Carter seems to be a great guy. I wonder what other ideas he has.

Another chance to bond with the boys? Forget studying, let’s get down at the local house of ill-repute!

I made a mistake but I’m new here and it was just my first day. Surely, this will not still be held against me after I’ve been with the company for a year.

This doesn’t look good.

An envelope? Maybe I’m getting a promotion!

That’s not good.

It does not look like I am going to be the president of the Mighty Microcomputer Corporation any time soon. I’m not giving up though. I will definitely be playing Executive Suite again!

In fact, there are still many games in the archive that I am going check out. In fact, I just spotted something called Sex Olympics.

I shall return.