Horror On The Lens: Beginning of the End (dir by Bert I. Gordon)


Giant locusts are attacking Chicago!

That’s the plot of this 1957 film from director Bert I. Gordon.  Chicago-haters will love this film, especially the scene where General Morris Ankrum announces that he has no  choice but to nuke the entire city.  If you don’t hate Chicago, you can still enjoy watching Peter Graves somehow retaining his dignity while dealing with the threat of giant locusts.

For the record, I’m enough of a country girl that I fully understand just destructive locusts can be.  That said, when it comes to their appearance, they’re not the most intimidating creatures out there.  The worst that can be said about them is that they look like really ugly grasshoppers.  A giant grasshopper still looks like a giant grasshopper.  And, needless to say, locusts do not attack humans.

(I’m also enough of a Southern girl that I can remember collecting the locust exo-skeletons that would always show up in the fall and winter.)

Here is the ludicrous and entertaining Beginning of the End!

 

Horror On The Lens: It Conquered The World (dir by Roger Corman)


“Man is a feeling creature, and because of it, the greatest in the universe….”

Hell yeah!  You tell ’em, Peter Graves!

Today’s Horror on the Lens is 1956’s It Conquered The World.  Graves plays a scientist who watches in horror as his small town and all of the people who he loves and works with are taken over by an alien.  Rival scientist Lee Van Cleef thinks that the alien is going to make the world a better place but Graves understands that a world without individual freedom isn’t one that’s worth living in.

This is one of Corman’s most entertaining films, featuring not only Graves and Van Cleef but also the great Beverly Garland.  Like many horror and science fiction films of the 50s, it’s subtext is one of anti-collectivism.  Depending on your politics, you could view the film as either a criticism of communism or McCarthyism.  Watching the film today, with its scenes of the police and the other towns people hunting anyone who fails to conform or follow orders, it’s hard not to see the excesses of the COVID era.

Of course, there’s also a very persuasive argument to be made that maybe we shouldn’t worry too much about subtext and we should just enjoy the film as a 50s B-movie that was directed with the Corman touch.

Regardless of how interpret the film, I defy anyone not to smile at the sight of ultra-serious Peter Graves riding his bicycle from one location to another.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is It Conquered The World!

 

Horror On The Lens: Scream of the Wolf (dir by Dan Curtis)


For today’s horror on the lens, how about a little werwolf action?

In the 1974 made-for-TV movie, Scream of the Wolf, Peter Graves is a writer who is asked to help solve a series of mysterious murders.  The fact that both human footprints and wolf tracks have been found at each murder scene has led some people to assume that the killer must be a werewolf!  Will Graves be able to prove them wrong or will it turn out that they are right?  Graves calls in a famous hunter (Clint Walker) to help track down the killer but it turns out that the hunter has secrets of his own.

Scream of the Wolf features a screenplay from Richard Matheson and it was directed by television horror specialist, Dan Curtis.  It feels like it was probably meant to be a pilot in which Peter Graves would deal with a supernatural mystery on a weekly basis.  Even if the movie didn’t lead to a series, it’s still enjoyably atmospheric.

 

Horror On The Lens: Where Have All The People Gone? (dir by John Llewellyn Moxey)


In the creepy 1974 film, Peter Graves plays a father who goes on a camping trip with his two teenage children (one of whom is played by Kathleen Quinlan).  A sudden earthquake and a solar flare causes the trio to try to return to civilization, where they discover that almost everyone has been reduced to a powdery substance and there are only a few crazed survivors.  They try to make their way back to their home in Malibu, facing danger at every leg of their journey.

(It’s almost a low-budget and far more dramatic version of Night of the Comet.)

Effective despite its made-for-TV origins, Where Have All The People Gone? was obviously mean to serve as a pilot for a television series.  The series didn’t happen but, even with a somewhat open-ended conclusion, the movie still works.

 

Made For TV Horror: Death Car On The Freeway (dir by Hal Needham)


I, for one, am tired of the stereotype that women cannot drive.

I’m a woman and I can tell you right now that I am an above average driver.  I’ve only had one major accident.  Admittedly, I did smash into a parked car but it was raining and I really couldn’t see that well because I was driving convertible and the window was fogged up.  Plus, whoever parked that car must have done a bad job and left it sitting out in the middle of the street.  For the record, my convertible flipped over on impact so the parked car did far more damage than I did.

Other than that, I usually manage to stop in time for red lights.  I’ve only driven through a few stop signs and that was just because I didn’t notice them. I’ve very rarely been given a speeding ticket.  Instead, the police have always been very polite about just giving me a warning.  And yes, it is true that I have trouble with curbs and turns and going in reverse and all that but I’ve seen plenty of men do the same thing.

The statistics show that, while women are involved in more accidents, the accidents are more likely to be fatal if a man is driving.  Men are also more prone to get upset and pull a gun during a road rage incident whereas women just give other drivers the finger.  Women are not inherently bad or dangerous drivers.  The one exception, at least down here in Texas, are middle-aged women who drive SUVs with faded Beto stickers.  You really don’t want to get stuck behind one of them in traffic.

I found myself thinking about the misogyny behind the “women-are-bad-drivers” stereotype as I watched 1979’s Death Car On The FreewayDeath Car On The Freeway features a madman who is so sick of women driving in Los Angeles that he starts using his Dodge van to cause them to have accidents.  We don’t actually see his face or really learn much about him.  What we do see are his black-gloved hands on his steering wheel, which is a nifty homage to the giallo genre.  (Giallo killers have a thing for black gloves.)  Whenever the driver does try to force a woman into a fatal accident, he pops in an 8-track of hyperactive fiddle music.  The fiddle has never sounded more menacing than it does in Death Car On The Freeway.  It’s almost like prog rock fiddling.  Imagine a country western fiddler who has just done a mountain of cocaine and you’ll get a feeling for this guy’s taste in music.

News reporter Shelley Hack thinks that the public has the right to know that there’s a man causing women to crash their cars.  Her ex-husband, played to smarmy perfection by George Hamilton, thinks that Shelley should quit her current job and come work with him.  Meanwhile, police inspector Peter Graves is concerned that the media going to start a panic and make it more difficult for him to track down the “Freeway Fiddler.”  (One gets the feeling that Graves feels this entire mess could have been avoided if women had never been allowed to drive in the first place.)  At one point, Hack meets with a defensive driver instructor and he’s played by the film’s director, Hal Needham.

Oh, how I love this film!  Seriously, it’s got car chases, car crashes, 70s outfits, George Hamilton, Peter Graves, and a genuinely frightening villain.  This is one of those films where you might be tempted to be dismissive.  Folks like Dinah Shore, Sid Haig, and Abe Vigoda show up in small roles, reminding you that this really is a 70s made-for-TV movie.  But then, that fiddling explodes on the soundtrack, that van starts tailgating someone, and Death Car On The Freeway suddenly becomes a cinematic nightmare.  It’s not a surprise that Hal Needham was able to stage some impressive driving stunts in Death Car On The Freeway.  That was Hal Needham’s thing.  But Needham also manages to craft a compelling and, at times, genuinely frightening film.  Anyone who has ever glanced into their rearview mirror and suddenly realized that another vehicle is following them will be able to relate to the fear of the Fiddler’s victims.

This is a great movie and a reminder that women are not the most dangerous drivers on the streets.  Unless, of course, they’re driving an SUV with a faded Beto sticker….

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.3 “Nurses Night Out”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, three nurses are brought to the Island by one grateful benefactor.

Episode 7.3 “Nurses Night Out”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on October 22nd, 1983)

Wealthy George Galloway (Peter Graves) has recently been discharged from the hospital and he wants to give a present to the three nurses that took care of him.  He pays for all of them to come to Fantasy Island and experience a fantasy.

Christine Donavon (Joanna Cassidy) wants the capable but abrasive Dr. Mark Reed (Monte Markham) to experience what it’s like to be a patient so that he might understand what it’s like having to deal with the uncertainty of being in a hospital.  However, Christine comes to discover that Dr. Reed isn’t that bad and Dr. Reed comes to realize that perhaps he could be a bit kinder.  Love is in the air!

Tracy Freemont (Pat Klous) wants to hook up with quarterback Crash McGowan (Brodie Greer, who I’m also currently watching as Officer Barizca on CHiPs).  Crash was a patient at the hospital and Tracy was his night nurse.  Crash likes Tracy but, as he explains it to Mr. Roarke, he’s currently under a lot of pressure to win football game  and, as a result, he’s impotent.  Maybe Crash should just ask for a fantasy where he’s not impotent for the weekend.  Fear not, things work out.  Love is in the air!

At first, Alice Green (Eleanor Parker) just wants to spend her time on the Island doing nothing.  That’s her fantasy.  Lawrence may think that an odd fantasy but I actually understand Alice’s point.  She’s on vacation.  Why should she have to do anything?  However, when Alice discovers that George is her benefactor, she decides she does have a fantasy.  She wants to tell George that she loves him.  George’s fantasy is for Alice to love him.  Hey, that works out!  The only problem is that George only has three months to live!  Love is in the air …. but for how long!?

This episode wasn’t that bad, especially when compared to the previous two episodes.  I like Peter Graves and I liked the three nurses and I was happy that they all ultimately found love on the Island.  Admittedly, Tracy and Christine’s fantasies didn’t do much for me.  But the Peter Graves/Eleanor Parker fantasy was nicely done and I appreciated the fact that the show didn’t come up with some miracle cure for George’s terminal illness.  Instead, with the gentle encouragement of Mr. Roarke, George and Alice decided to make the best of the time they had left.  Good work, Mr. Roarke!

Tattoo is very much missed but this was still a good trip to the Island.

Airplane II: The Sequel (1982, directed by Ken Finkleman)


It isn’t the past.  It isn’t the present.  It’s the future.

The moon has been colonized and, on Earth, the Mayflower II is preparing for its first international flight.  It will be carrying passengers from Houston to the lunar station.  Test pilot Ted Striker (Robert Hays) claims that the Mayflower II is not ready to make the trip but he’s been in the Ronald Reagan Hospital For The Mentally Ill ever since he had a nervous breakdown after losing his squadron during “the war.”

Aboard the Mayflower II is Ted’s ex-wife, Elaine (Julie Haggerty), and her new boyfriend, Simon (Chad Everett).  Simon says the Mayflower II is in perfect shape but he also turns into jelly whenever things get too rough.  Piloting the Mayflower II is Captain Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves) and waiting on the Moon is Commander Buck Murdock (William Shatner).  The crew of the Mayflower II is going to have a tough flight ahead of them.  Not only is the shipboard computer making plans of its own but one of the passengers (Sonny Bono) has a bomb in his briefcase.  Also, Ted has broken out of the hospital and is on the flight, boring people with his long stories.

Every successful film gets a sequel and when Airplane! was a surprise hit in 1980, it was inevitable that there would be an Airplane II.  Robert Hays, Julie Haggerty, Lloyd Bridges, Peter Graves, and Stephen Stucker all returned.  Unfortunately, Jim Abrahams, the Zucker brothers, Robert Stack, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Leslie Nielsen did not.  (The directors and Nielsen were all working on Police Squad and their absence is strong felt.)  Airplane II recreates many of the same jokes as the first Airplane! but without the first film’s good nature or genuine affection for the disaster genre.  Airplane! was made for the love of comedy.  Airplane II was made for the love of money and, while there are more than a few amusing moments, the difference is obvious and there for all to see.

Not surprisingly, Airplane II is at its funniest whenever William Shatner is on screen.  In the role of Bud Murdock, Shatner pokes fun at his own image and shows himself to be a good sport.  He’s still not as funny as Leslie Nielsen or Robert Stack in the first film but that’s because, unlike Stack and Nielsen in their pre-Airplane! days, there had always been a hint of self-parody to Shatner, even in his most dramatic roles.  If Stack and Nielsen shocked people by showing that they could do deadpan comedy, Shatner’s performance just confirmed what most suspected, that he had always been in on the joke.  Still, he’s the funniest thing in Airplane II and, whenever I rewatch this movie, I am happy he was there.

Airplane II was a box office failure, which is why the world never got an Airplane III.  Fortunately, the world did get Hot Shots and The Naked Gun.

Airplane! (1980, directed by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker)


Airplane!, which may be the funniest movie ever made, has made me laugh every time that I’ve watched it.  And I’ve watched it a lot!

Whenever I’m getting ready to travel for my day job, I watch Airplane!  Whenever I’m going to Baltimore or West Virginia for the holidays, I watch Airplane!  Whenever I’m in a bad mood and I need something lighten me up, I watch Airplane!  Whenever I’m in a good mood and I want to be in an even better mood, I watch Airplane!

I can’t remember how old I was when I first saw Airplane! but I know I wasn’t yet ten.  While a lot of the humor went over my head at that young age, it did not matter because I laughed at all the sight gags, like the heart hopping around on the doctor’s desk and the line of passengers waiting to “calm down” the hysterical woman.  I laughed when Ted Stryker (Robert Hays) and Elaine (Julie Haggerty) got covered in seaweed while making out on the beach.  I laughed at the people dying while listening to Ted’s story, even though I didn’t fully understand that it was because of Ted boring them to death.  I loved it when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got annoyed with the kid in the cockpit, even though young me really didn’t know who Kareem was other than he was a basketball player.  Otto the autopilot was the coolest character around.  Stephen Stucker’s Johnny made me laugh with his nonstop energy.  “Excuse me, stewardess, I speak Jive.”  “And don’t call me Shirley.”  “It looks like I picked the wrong time to stop sniffing glue.”  Every time I heard them, I laughed at all of those lines.  I didn’t have to understand why Lloyd Bridges was suddenly upside down.  I just knew it was funny.

As I got older and rewatched the film, I started to pick up on the humor that earlier went over my head.  I traveled to Turkey when I was twelve and our tour guide spent an hour telling us that Midnight Express was not a fair representation of her country.  After that, I suddenly understood why Captain Oveur (Peter Graves) wanted to know if Joey had ever been to a Turkish prison.  I came to appreciate Julie Hagerty and Lorna Patterson as the two flight attendants.  Airplane! still made me laugh but I came to understand that it was also a love story.  What adolescent boy watching Airplane! didn’t want to be Robert Hays, not only landing the plane but also getting kiss Julie Hagerty at the end of the movie?

And then, as I learned more about the movies, I realized that Airplane! was a pitch perfect parody of the disaster genre and I came to understand the brilliance of casting actors like Lloyd Bridges, Robert Stack, Peter Graves, and especially Leslie Nielsen in this film.  From the first time I saw the movie, Nielsen always made me laugh because he had the best lines and he delivered them with deadpan perfection.  But, as I got older, I came to understand that Nielsen was doing more than just saying funny things.  He was sending up his entire career.  I’m a part of the generation who grew up laughing at Leslie Nielsen the comedy superstar and it’s always strange for me to see him in one of his older, serious roles.  I have Airplane! to thank for that.

There’s so much to say about Airplane!  I could write a thousand words just talking about my favorite jokes and one-liners or how much I enjoyed Stryker’s flashbacks.  It’s my favorite movie and one that still makes me laugh even though I know all of the jokes by heart.  (I’ve always thought Howard Jarvis waiting for Stryker to return to the taxi was one of the best, though underrated, jokes in the movie.)  Airplane! is close to 50 years old and it’s still just as funny today as when I first saw it.

In fact, I think I’ll go watch it right now!

Horror Film Review: It Conquered The World (dir by Roger Corman)


“Man is a feeling creature, and because of it, the greatest in the universe….”

So says scientist Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) towards the end of 1956’s It Conquered The Universe.  Paul may be a scientist but he understands the importance of emotion and imagination and individuality.  He knows that it’ll take more than just cold logic to save humanity from destruction.

Unfortunately, Paul’s best friend, Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef), disagrees.  Tom worked at Los Alamos.  Tom helped to develop the atomic bomb.  Tom is convinced that humanity will destroy itself unless a greater power takes over.  Tom feels that he has discovered that greater power.  Tom has recently contacted a Venusian and invited it to come to Earth.  Upon arriving, the Venusian promptly disrupts all electrical power on Earth.  It sends out bat-like creatures that inject humans with a drug that takes control of their minds and turns them into a compliant slaves.  Paul tells Tom that robbing people of their free will is not going to save the Earth but Tom remains committed to the Venusian, even as it becomes obvious that the Venusian’s main concern is with its own survival.

It Conquered The World is very much a film of the 1950s.  Along with tapping into the era’s paranoia about nuclear war and UFOs, it also features Peter Graves delivering monologues about freedom and the inherent superiority of the human race.  When Paul confronts Tom, he not only accuses Tom of selling out the Earth but he also attacks Tom’s patriotism.  When Tom’s wife, Claire (Beverly Garland), confronts the alien and orders it to leave her plant along, she does it while wearing high heels and a tight sweater and holding a rifle.  The one female scientist (played by Karen Kadler) spends most of her screentime being menaced while wearing a white slip and there’s a platoon of bumbling but unbrainwashed soldiers hanging out in the woods.  If one looked up 1956 in the dictionary, there’s a very good chance this film would be the definition.

At the same time, the film’s story feels like a metaphor for modern times.  When the Venusian-controlled police turn authoritarian and start threatening to punish anyone who questions their orders, we’re reminded of the excesses of the COVID lockdowns.  When the editor of the town’s newspaper is shot by a policeman who says that words are no longer necessary in the new world, it’s hard not to think of all the writers, commentators, artists, and ordinary citizens who have run afoul the online cancellation brigade.  When Paul is reduced to riding a bicycle from place to place, it’s hard not to think of the environmental Luddites, with their hatred of anything that makes life more convenient.  When Tom rationalizes his activities by saying that humanity must be saved from itself, he’s expressing an opinion that is very popular among several people today.  Tom’s embrace of cold logic feels very familiar.  Of course, today, people don’t need a Venusian to order them to accept authoritarianism.  Instead, they’re more than happy to do on their own.

It Conquered The World was directed by Roger Corman.  It was his eighth film as a director and it remains one of his most entertaining.  As one might expect from a low-budget sci-fi film, It Conquered The World produces it’s share of laughs.  It’s hard not to smile at the sight of the extremely serious Peter Graves peddling his bicycle from location to location.  (It doesn’t help that Graves never takes off his suit or loosens his tie.)  And the Venusian simply has to be seen to be believed:

At the same time, It Conquered The World holds up well.  Lee Van Cleef and Beverly Garland both give performances that transcend the material, with Van Cleef especially doing a good job of paying a man struggling to rationalize his bad decisions.  It Conquered The World holds up today, as both a portrait of the 50s and 2024.