J.J. Cohen | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Jamie goes undercover …. again!

Episode 4.4 “Users”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on August 16th, 1998)

Pacific Blue started out as a show about bicycle cops. I always thought that was a stupid premise but, regardless of my opinion, the first two seasons pretty much focused on keeping the cops on the bikes. However, with the third and now the fourth season, the bikes have started to feel superfluous. Now, the bike cops are suddenly working murders and going undercover. This all seems like stuff that actual detective should be doing as opposed to a bunch of glorified traffic cops.

For instance, this episode features Jamie being sent undercover to befriend a teenage drug dealer named Brandon Jeter (future choreographer and Michael Jackson-accuser Wade Robson). Brandon, who has witnessed a murder, is being used as an informant by an intense narcotics detective named Perry Marcus (Roger Floyd). TC and Cory make a big deal about how they don’t like Perry’s tactics but why would Perry care? He’s not a bike cop and they’re not detectives.

This is only Jamie’s fourth episode as a regular character but it feels like the 100th time that she’s been told to work undercover. The problem is that we don’t know much about who Jamie is so there’s not really any emotional pay-off to seeing her pretending to be someone else. Jamie is upset when she sees how everyone — from Detective Marcus to drug lord Nick Lambros (Corey Pearson) — is manipulating Brandon but we don’t really know why. We know nothing about Jamie’s homelife. We know nothing about her past. We don’t know why she became a cop. She’s a character with no inner life. It’s not the fault of actress Amy Hunter that Jamie comes across as being boring. The scripts, so far, have given her nothing to work with.

Meanwhile, Moncia is having an affair with the recently promoted Commander McKinnon (Jeffrey Meek). The affair is often physically abusive but, when Bobby confronts McKinnon, McKinnon claims that Monica enjoys the pain. Eventually, Monica and Bobby get McKinnon being abusive on tape. The episode ends with Monica lustfully spying on TC in a neighboring apartment. Ugh. This show really annoys me with the way it portrays Monica. She’s literally the only character on the show who has a positive and largely guilt-free attitude about sex and the show always seems to be determined to either punish or villainize her for it. (What makes this especially annoying is that the show both judges and leers at Monica at the same time.)

As usual, this episode could have worked if the characters were more interesting. The idea that everyone on the show was using someone else had potential but the execution fell flat.

Ewwwwww! The movie reeks of stale cigarettes and Axe body spray!

976-Evil tells the story of two teenagers named Spike (Patrick O’Bryan) and Hoax (Stephen Geoffreys). You know what? Whether your parents decide to name you Spike or to name your Hoax, your life is pretty much fucked up from the minute either name is entered on your birth certificate. Anyway, Spike and Hoax are cousins. Spike is the dangerous bad boy who rides a motorcycle and wears a leather jacket. Hoax is the really nerdy kid who worships Spike and who lives with his ultra-religious mother (Sandy Dennis). Hoax can’t wait until the day he and Spike ride across the country on their motorcycles. Spike is just busy trying to get laid and looking forward to heading out on his own.

Anyway, Hoax eventually gets tired of being picked on all the time so he decides to call the phone number mentioned in the film’s title. Hoax discovers that he has a direct line to Hell and the voice on the other end has some definite ideas for what Hoax could do to even the score. For instance, Hoax could cause spiders to attack a Spike’s girlfriend. And, after that, Hoax could transform into a monster and attack the local bullies at their poker game.

“That’s a dead man’s hand!” Hoax announces, while literally holding up a dead man’s hand.

(That’s right! Turning evil means becoming a master of puns!)

Uh-oh! It looks like Hoax has been possessed by evil! Even worse, the phone bill is HUGE! Those calls to the Devil aren’t cheap, you know! Can Spike defeat his cousin or will evil rule the day?

Now, I will say this for 976-Evil: as annoying as Stephen Geoffreys is when he’s playing nerdy Hoax, he actually is a bit frightening as evil Hoax. For that matter, Patrick O’Bryan is probably does about as good a job as you can do while playing a character named Spike.

But otherwise, 976-Evil is nearly unwatchable. I mean that literally. The entire film appears to be covered by a layer of grime. Between the unappealing visuals, the poor dialogue, and the lack of appealing characters, there’s really not much in 976-Evil to hold our attention. It might help if we felt bad for Hoax but, even before he calls the phone number, he’s such a weirdo perv that you just kind of want him to go away. Hoax is basically the type of loser who thinks that an Axe body spray commercial is a documentary. You can imagine him desperately spraying himself before he goes to school every day and announcing, “I smell like Axe! I’m losing my virginity next period! And then me and Spike are going to ride our motor scooters to Toronto!”

Released in 1989, 976-Evil was also the directorial debut of Robert Englund. I kinda hate to be so negative about the film because Robert Englund is such a good actor and he always comes across as being such a nice guy. If you haven’t already, be sure to get a copy of Englund’s autobiography, Hollywood Monster. Englund tells a lot of good stories and is admirably positive about being a horror icon. But, though Robert Englund’s a great guy, 976-Evil just doesn’t work.