Ghosts Can’t Do It | Through the Shattered Lens

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you find yourself having trouble getting to sleep tonight or tomorrow, you may want to try watching 1989’s Ghosts Can’t Do It. It won’t necessarily put you to sleep but it will give you something to ponder while you lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling. For instance, how exactly did this movie get produced without anyone coming up with a better title than Ghosts Can’t Do It?

Bo Derek plays Kate, the wife of elderly billionaire Scott (played by Anthony Quinn, who appears to be drunk in the majority of his scenes). Despite their age difference, Kate and Scott are deeply in love. When they’re not playing in the snow and riding horses around the ranch, they’re having sex. “Sex, sex, sex, sex!” the movie seems to chant in almost every scene. But then Anthony Quinn has a heart attack, which in this film means that he spends what appears to be hours lying in the snow while trading jokes with Kate. (It’s important to be able to joke with your partner but if my man had a heart attack, my first reaction would be to get a doctor.)

Scott survives his heart attack but he’s told that, in his weakened state, he can no longer have sex. Also, he can’t get a new heart because he’s too old. Facing a future without sex, Scott shoots himself. Fortunately, Scott’s guardian angel (Julie Newmar) takes sympathy on him and sends his spirt back down to Earth. Only Kate can see and hear him and, while she’s happy to be reunited with him, they are both upset to discover that ghosts can’t do it.

Scott comes up with a plan. Kate needs to find a young, virile lover and then murder him so that Scott can possess his body and then he and Kate can have sex whenever they feel like it. Because that plan makes total sense and there’s no way that it could lead to Kate’s soul being damned to an eternity in Hell, Kate agrees. Kate travels the world, having sex and looking for a man who will be able to please her after she has murdered him. Eventually, Kate meets a charming young criminal named Fausto (Leo Damian) and decides that he’ll do. Scott can’t wait to inhabit Fausto’s body but Kate suddenly realizes that she might not have it in her to be a murderer! Well, she’ll never know unless she tries. (I never thought that I would be able to shoot down a drone but then, one night in December….)

While all of this is going on, Kate is handling Scott’s business affairs. This leads to a meeting with a famous and ruthless businessman named Donald Trump. Yes, the 45 and 47th President of the United States plays himself in this film. Kate and Trump meet in a conference room to discuss a deal. Kate mentions that she read Trump’s book. Trump smiles and nods. They have hard-boiled business dialogue. Kate tells Trump that he’s “too pretty” to be as ruthless as he is. ‘You noticed,” Trump says. It’s a pretty dumb scene but, from a historical point-of-view, it’s a reminder of the fact that, long before he was elected President, Trump was already a ubiquitous figure on the American pop cultural scene.

Ghosts Can’t Do It is definitely a misfire, albeit one that is such a huge misfire that it become interesting in the same way that trainwrecks are often interesting. Almost everything about it, from the dialogue to the attempts at humor to the nearly unreadable font that is used for the opening credits, feels wrong. There is one brief moment that works, in which Kate dances with her ghost husband and, for the first and only time in the film, we see a flicker of genuine chemistry between Bo Derek and Anthony Quinn. (Bo Derek, I will mention, is not quite as bad an actress as her reputation suggests. It’s just that she should have been playing campy soap opera villainesses on late night television as opposed to starring in her husband’s crackpot films.) Otherwise, this movie is perhaps the worst movie to ever feature both a two-time Oscar winner and a future President. And, for that reason, it’s a watchable curiosity. It’s just what insomnia demands.