Tag Archives: Fred Grandy

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.12 “Take a Letter, Vicki/The Floating Bridge Game/The Joy of Celibacy”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance….

Episode 5.12 “Take a Letter, Vicki/The Floating Bridge Game/The Joy of Celibacy”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 12th, 1981)

Captain Stubing notices that Vicki seems to be depressed.  He asks his crew if they have any idea what’s wrong with her.

Actually, he could have just asked me.  Why is Vicki depressed?  Maybe it’s because she’s a teenage girl who spends all of her time on a boat surrounded by people who are all at least twenty to thirty years older than her?  Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have any friends her own age?   Maybe it’s because Julie’s now too coked up to be the surrogate mother figure that she was during the previous two seasons?  Seriously, there’s a lot reasons why Vicki might be depressed but they all have on solution.  Let Vicki go to school on the mainland and allow her to have some friends her own age!

The crew, however, thinks that the Captain should just hire Vicki to be his secretary.  Stubing agrees.  Vicki is happy to have a job and she immediately does the exact same thing that I would do under those circumstances.  She rearranges the captain’s entire office.  The Captain can’t find anything but personally, I think his office does look better once everything has been straightened up.  A messy office leads to a messy mind and, on a cruise ship, a messy mind can lead to a collision with an ice berg.

Vicki then issues a cheerful memo, telling all the members of the crew that they should give the Captain a daily run-down of their plans for the day.  Again, I think that makes total sense.  The crew, however, is outraged.  The Captain is worried that Vicki is taking her position too seriously but he doesn’t know how to fire her.  (When did Captain Stubing become a wimp?  This is a weird episode.)  The crew decides to give Vicki so much work that she’ll quite out of frustration but they discover that Vicki is determined to do a good job.  No one knows what to do….

LET HER HAVE FRIENDS HER OWN AGE AND A NORMAL LIFE!  THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO!

Anyway, the overworked Vicki eventually falls asleep on the job.  The Captain uses that as an excuse to fire her.  Vicki smiles because she didn’t really enjoy the job in the first place.  Usually, the relationship between the Captain and Vicki is one of the better elements of The Love Boat but this episode left me feeling really bad for Vicki.  She’s really missing out on the best years of her life.

As for the other two stories, neither was very interesting.  A bridge club made up of four widows takes the cruise and are shocked when one of them (played by Nanette Fabray) decides she would rather spend time with a handsome dentist (Robert Alda) than play bridge.  My question here is why would you spend money to play bridge on a cruise while you could just play at home for free.  If you’re on a cruise, enjoy the scenery!  Don’t just play bridge.  Meanwhile, Barry Styles (Jim Trent) pretended to be a big believer in celibacy in order to get “ice queen” Linda Trent (Carlee Watkins) to fall for him.  Doc and Gopher made a bet on whether or not he would be successful.  DOC!  GOPHER!  You two know you’re better than that!

This week’s cruise was just sad.  The bridge club wasted a lot of money.  Linda was the center of a misogynistic bet.  Vicki is still going to be lonely and depressed next week.  What a sad trip on The Love Boat.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat is back for a new year of reviews!

Episode 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

(Dir by Bruce Bilson, originally aired on December 5th, 1981)

This week, Doc Bricker’s brother boards the Love Boat and boy, does he turn out to be a jerk!  Fred Bricker (Jack Bannon) is bitter because their father paid for Doc to go to medical school while Fred had to stay behind on the farm.  Now, Fred is married to Nancy (Elaine Joyce) and worried about how he’s going to afford to send his own son to college.  Convinced that Doc is rich, Fred thinks that Doc should pay for his nephew’s college tuition.  Doc agrees.  Fred still acts like an ungrateful jackass but, when he learns that Doc has actually taken out a loan to pay the tuition, Fred realizes that Doc may not be rich but he is a good man.

The weird thing about this storyline is that Fred didn’t have enough money to send his kid to college but apparently, he did have enough money to take an expensive cruise on a luxury liner.  The other strange thing is that Fred didn’t know that Doc worked on the ship until he saw him in the lobby.  Fred just happened to buy a ticket for the same ship that his brother worked on.  Every episode of The Love Boat featured its share of implausible coincidences but this episode really pushes suspension of disbelief to its breaking point.  On a positive note, this story did allow us to see another side of Doc.  Bernie Kopell is always more believable when he gets to play Doc as being a nice guy as opposed to playing him as being an irredeemable lech.

Speaking of money, two old vaudevillians (played by Milton Berle and Martha Raye) haven’t had much of it ever since their style of performing went out of fashion.  Berle and Raye stowaway on the ship and then attempt to freeload their way through the cruise by pretending to be another set of passengers, Zeke and Zelda Van Buren (played by Herb Edelman and Elinor Donahue).  The captain is not amused when he finds out that someone is breaking the law on his boat but then Milton and Martha sing a duet of For Me And My Gal and all is forgiven.  The Captain arranges for them to get a job as entertainers on another ship.  I’ve noticed that the Captain never really seems to punish any of the many stowaways who have taken a trip on The Love Boat.  And you know what?  Good for him!  There’s a place for mercy in this cold world of ours.

Finally, romance novelist Michael Scott (Daryl Anderson) has a one night stand with teacher Emily Parker (Susan Richardson).  Michael — and yes, it’s impossible not to think of The Office whenever anyone mentions the character’s name — is stunned when Emily gets emotional after their night together.  “You’re acting like you’ve never done this before….” Michael says and, of course, it turns out that she hasn’t.  This was a pretty bleh storyline but it did lead to a funny scene where Michael attempts to have a conversation with Emily while two old ladies eavesdrop and freak out every time they hear the word “virgin.”

I enjoyed this cruise, mostly because it gave Bernie Kopell a chance to actually do some real acting for once.  I always like it when Doc turns out to be a nice guy.  Milton Berle and Martha Raye are, to put it lightly, an acquired taste but both of them give good performances in this episode and even manage to pull off their duet without making it too cringey.  As for the third storyline, it was defeated by the lack of chemistry between Daryl Anderson and Susan Richardson.  Still, two out of three is not bad.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.10 “Love, Honor and Obey/Gladys and Agnes/Radioactive Isaac”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Isaac has a problem!  Oh no!  Who will man the bar?

Episode 5.10 “Love, Honor and Obey/Gladys and Agnes/Radioactive Isaac”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Oh no!  Isaac’s radioactive!

Well, no, not in the way that you might be thinking.  Before leaving on this week’s cruise, Isaac had some dental work done and his new fillings can pick up radio stations.  The only real problem with that is that Isaac likes a passenger named Patty Phelps (Berlinda Tolbert) and Patty likes him, except for when his teeth start playing music.  It leads Patty to suspect that Isaac is just pulling a big prank on her and she doesn’t have any patience for that nonsense.  Especially when there’s another handsome single man on board (played by Darrow Igus) whose teeth do not pick up radio stations.  Is Isaac willing to sacrifice his fillings for love?

Meanwhile, Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara play …. well, they might as well  just be playing Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara.  I’ve seen Jerry and Anne on a few of these shows and they always play the same two characters regardless of what their characters may be named.  In this case, Jerry and Anne want to renew their wedding vows on the Love Boat.  Captain Stubing is happy to oblige but Anne decides that she doesn’t want to vow to “obey’ her husband.  Jerry and Anne get into a fight and it looks like the marriage might be over!  However, things work out in the end.  They renew their vows and then Anne starts bossing Jerry around.  It was a pretty simple story but Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara were so likable together that it didnt matter.  I was happy they stayed together.

Finally, Agnes (Audra Lindley) and Gladys (Marion Ross) are two sisters who are taking a cruise together.  Agnes meets and falls for Henry Whitewood (Bernard Fox), who is a genuine English earl!  Gladys doesn’t want to lose Agnes and tells Henry that Agnes doesn’t have much money.  It turns out that Henry doesn’t have a lot of money either.  But he’s willing to sell what little land he does have so that he can refurbish the manor and invite Agnes to be his wife.  Awwww!  And don’t worry about Gladys.  She realizes that the most important thing is that her sister’s happy.

This cruise was a bit on the forgettable side.  After last week’s two-hour extravaganza, this week’s episode was rather low-key and almost mild-mannered.  It was pleasant without being particularly memorable.  I think we’ve all had vacations like that!

Speaking of vacations, the holidays are approaching so this is going to be final Love Boat review of 2024.  My reviews will resume on January 1st!

 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a two-hour special!

Episodes 5.8 and 5.9 “Farnsworth’s Fling/Three in a Bed/I Remember Helen/Merrill, Melanie & Melanesia/Gopher Farnsworth Smith”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

The Love Boat crew is back in Australia, sailing from Sydney to Fiji and back again.  The Captain remembers his time in the Navy and a lost love who he met while serving in the South Pacific.  Julie remembers her love affair with Tony and how he left her at the altar after he discovered that he was dying.  Anthony Andrews, who played Tony, is listed as being a guest star on this episode but he only appears in archival footage.  Tony, we learn, has died but his brother, David (Brendon Lunney), assures Julie that her letters to him provided him with much comfort during his final days.

(David only appears for a minute or two, when Julie visits the animal preserve where Tony worked.  Still, in that minute, he and Julie have so much chemistry that I found myself hoping that David would spontaneously propose to her.)

As for the cruise, the majority of the cabins are populated by the relatives of William Otis Farnsworth (Lloyd Bridges).  Farnsworth is one of the richest men in the world and he’s taking a cruise with his entire family because he wants to see who is truly worthy of inheriting his fortune.  The ship is full of people looking to get rich, including:

  1. Jenny (Moran Fairchild) and Bud Boyer (Grant Goodeve), who are hoping that William will not discover that they’ve recently gotten divorced,
  2. Hazel (Patti MacLeod) and Frank Fransworth (Russell Newman), who hope that Hazel imitating William’s deceased wife will cause William to mention them favorably in his will,
  3. Marcia (Jessica Walter), who was married to William’s brother and who has basically hired gold digger Jessica Halberson (Linda Evans) to seduce and marry William, and
  4. Burl “Gopher” Smith, who thinks that he might be distantly related to William and who, with Isaac’s encouragement, tries to get close to William.  Gopher even calls his mother (Ethel Merman) to find out if he’s a relative.  She’s not much help.

Not interested in the money is William’s niece, Eloise (Beth Howland).  Eloise, who is William’s administrative assistant, finds herself falling in love with William’s valet, country boy Wayne Burton (Jim Nabors).  Words cannot begin to express just how annoying Jim Nabors is in this episode.  “Surprise surprise surpise!” Wayne says when he shows up on the boat.  “Golly!” Wayne says when a conscience-stricken Jessica tries to break up with William.  I found myself covering my ears whenever Nabors appeared on screen.

The main problem here is that none of these people are remotely likable.  Not even William Farnsworth is likable.  He’s meant to be likable but really, he comes across as being a judgmental jerk.  When Jessica tries to leave the ship and fly back to Sidney, William reacts by buying every single plane ticket on the island.  Jessica can’t leave but hey …. neither can anyone else!

Far more likable was Melanie (Margaret Laurence), the daughter of the Captain’s former lover, Madeleine.  Melanie is a dead-ringer for her mother and the Captain falls in love with her.  Melanie also falls in love with him.  She proposes marriage.  Awwww!  But then she realizes marrying the Captain would mean abandoning her job as a teacher so she calls the wedding off.  So now, both the Captain and Julie have had their heart broken in Australia.  At least they now have something to bond over.

For a two-hour episode, there really wasn’t much plot to this episode.  It was largely a travelogue.  There were a lot of kangaroos and koala bears and they were certainly cute.  The scenery was lovely.  Otherwise, this was a cruise full of rather unlikable people.  Australia deserved better.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.7 “The Lady from Laramie/Vicki Swings/Phantom Bride”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat promises something for everyone!

Episode 5.7 “The Lady from Laramie/Vicki Swings/Phantom Bride”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on November 14th, 1981)

As I did with this week’s episodes of Miami Vice, CHiPs, and Fantasy Island, I’m going to save time by doing this one bullet point style.

  • Before getting to the storylines, I want to point out that this week’s episode was directed by Jack Arnold.  Jack Arnold may not be a household name but he directed some of this site’s favorite science fiction and monster movies, including Tarantula, The Incredible Shrinking Man, It Came From Outer Space, and The Creature From The Black Lagoon!
  • As always, this cruise presents us with three stories.  One of the three stories definitely does benefit from Arnold’s macabre touch.  Juliet Mills and Buddy Hackett play Kate and Julian Garfield, who are married psychic researchers.  The board the boat in search of a ghost.  Captain Stubing doesn’t believe in ghosts and good for him!  (Neither do I!)  However, Gopher is totally convinced and he’s soon wandering around the boat with a bunch of garlic hanging around his neck.  Gopher, they’re looking for ghosts, not vampires!
  • At one point, Gopher is convinced that he’s managed to take a picture of a ghost but it’s actually just Kate looking through a porthole.
  • I have to admit that I groaned a bit when I saw that Juliet Mills was going to, once again, be a passenger on The Love Boat.  But then I remembered that Hayley is the Mills sister that gets on my nerves.  Juliet and Buddy Hackett had a surprising amount of chemistry.  They were likable together.
  • It is kind of funny that there are certain guest stars — like Juliet Mills — who show up over and over again but who always play different characters.  I’m always waiting for someone on the boat to be like, “Hey, weren’t you here last week?”
  • The least interesting story featured Nancy Dussault as a plain-spoken (or maybe just annoying) widow from Wyomin’ who fell in love with an Italian gigolo (Cesare Danova) who was on the boat with a rich socialite (Marti Stevens).  Cesare Danova played the mob boss in Mean Streets and the mayor in Animal House.  He did not look happy at all to be on The Love Boat.
  • Poor Vicki!  In this episode, 14 year-old Vicki pretended to be 18 in an attempt to flirt with Todd Andrews (Patrick Labyroteaux), a teenager who was traveling by himself.  The Captain grew very worried about Vicki, especially after he heard Todd suggesting that he and Vicki had fooled around late into the night.  (Todd was lying and, oddly enough, everyone seemed to be strangely forgiving of Todd’s actions.)
  • At one point, The Captain tells Vicki that he wanted her to spend time with people her own age.  Vicki replies that she was the only fourteen year-old on the ship.  And, seriously, Vicki has a point.
  • Vicki living on the ship has always seemed kind of strange to me and I always appreciate the episodes that try to honestly deal with the situation.  How can you not have mixed feelings about spending your teen years on a boat, largely surrounded by people who are quite a bit older than you?  That said, Gavin MacLeod was always at his best when he was playing Stubing as a father and Jill Whelan was refreshingly non-cutesy in the role of Vicki.  As a result, you couldn’t help but feel that, ultimately, the Captain and his daughter were right where they belonged.
  • This was an okay cruise.  The ghost storyline was fun.  MacLeod and Whelan tugged at the heartstrings.  When it comes to good stories on The Love Boat, two out of three is not bad at all!

Next week — The Love Boat goes on a Thanksgiving cruise!  (If only I had started reviewing The Love Boat a week earlier than I did, the timing would have been perfect.)  ‘Til then, set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance….

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.6 “Chef’s Special/Beginning Anew/Kleinschmidt”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance!

Episode 5.6 “Chef’s Special/Beginning Anew/Kleinschmidt”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on October 7th, 1981)

As the passengers board the boat and prepare to set sail, Isaac and Vicki can’t help but notice Gertrude Turner (Trish Noble) and Kurt Kleinschmidt (Siegfried van Kapelhoff).  Gertrude is rich, single, and wearing a very valuable ring.  Kleinschmidt is a German insurance agent who Gertrude has hired to guard her jewelry, though she later reveals that she’s not really that worried about her jewels but instead, she just enjoys Kleinschmidt’s company.

“That man looks just like Doctor Bricker!” Isaac says.

And yes, it must be said that, despite his thick German accent, Siegfried van Kapelhoff, the actor playing Kleinschmidt, does indeed look a lot like Bernie Kopell, the actor who played Doc Bricker.  They’re both tall, thin, in their early 40s, and they even have the same hair color and bone structure.  What are the chances of that happening?  I mean, seriously….

Wait a minute….

THAT’S NOT SIEGFRIED VAN KAPELHOFF AT ALL!

Just as Gavin MacLeod used to do whenever one of Stubing’s brothers boarded the boat, this episode finds Bernie Kopell playing two roles.  Not only does he play Doc Bricker but he also play Kleinschmidt.  And yes, there is a scene where Kleinschmidt talks to Doc Bricker.  It’s done via split screen and it’s not at all convincing.  Bricker doesn’t even appear to be looking at Kleinschmidt while talking to him.

Gertrude’s ring does vanish at one point, which leads to Kleinschmidt interrogating the crew and eventually attempting to arrest Gopher.  Of course, the truth of the matter is that Gertrude herself hid the ring so that Kleinschmidt would stay on the boat with her.  (Kleinschmidt, feeling insecure about his detective abilities, was originally planning on flying home as soon as the boat docked in Mexico.)  When Stubing learns that Gertrude faked the robbery, he is surprisingly understanding, despite the fact that doing so led to Kleinschmidt harassing his entire crew.  I’m not sure that I really bought Stubing’s reaction but maybe he just thought Kleinschmidt was Doc in disguise.

The Kleinschmidt story was far more amusing than it really had any right being.  That was almost totally due to Bernie Kopell, who seemed to really enjoy the chance to play such an over-the-top character.  Kleinschmidt was definitely a bit cartoonish but Kopell’s likability went a long way towards making the character’s stupidity not just tolerable but also kind of sweet.

While all that’s going on, the Love Boat’s chef (Jay Johnson) gets upset when a new chef (Leslie Easterbrook) is hired to work in the kitchen with him.  This storyline requires the audience to believe that 1) no one would bother to warn the original chef that he’s getting a new colleague and 2) that the new chef would risk ruining her reputation just to avoid hurting her predecessor’s feelings.  The less said about this story the better.

Finally, Jenny Langley (Joan Fontaine) boards the cruise and is stunned to see that her former lover, Stan Ellis (Richard Basehart), is on the boat.  Jenny and Stan haven’t seen each other since the end of World War II.  Now, Stan is a widower who has been in a wheelchair ever since the car accident that killed his wife.  Jenny tries to help Stan come out of his shell and find the courage to embrace life.  Stan is resistant but finally comes around.  But when Stan asks Jenny to marry him, Jenny refuses.  Jenny is going blind.  Stan, however, doesn’t care about that.  And, also …. Stan can walk!  It turns out that his paralysis was just psychosomatic.

This storyline was one that I probably would have liked better if I hadn’t found myself thinking about my Dad whenever Stan was onscreen.  (Before he died, my Dad was also in a wheelchair as the result of a traffic accident.)  I will say that Joan Fontaine is wonderful in her role.  This storyline was handled well but right now, the pain of losing my Dad is still too fresh for me to have really enjoyed it.  That said, Fontaine and Basehart were old pros at this type of melodrama and this storyline had a lot to offer fans of old school romance.  This was definitely a storyline for the TCM crowd and I mean that as a compliment!

With two stories that worked and a third one that wasn’t too much of a distraction, this was a worthwhile cruise.

 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher almost gets rich!

Episode 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 31st, 1981)

I have to admit that I groaned a bit when I saw that Florence Henderson was going to be one of the passengers on this week’s cruise.  I still haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of reviewing The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and, whenever Florence Henderson showed up on any of these shows, she always had to sing a song.  Florence wasn’t a bad singer but she wasn’t a particularly interesting one either.  I remember that she always seemed like she was trying too hard to be Barbra Streisand whenever she performed a song of the Brady Bunch Variety Hour.  Her version of Broadway and easy listening was always adequate without being very memorable.

And, on this cruise, Florence does sing.  She’s playing Annabelle Folker, a country singer who is hired to provide entertainment for the cruise.  She sing a few country songs and speaks with a thick (and not very convincing) country accent.  Annabelle is happy to discover that her childhood friend, Martin Correll (James Noble), is on the cruise with his uptight girlfriend and campaign manager, Barbara (Carol Lawrence).  Martin — or Blinky as Annabelle calls him — is thrilled to be reunited with Annabelle.  Barbara is less enthused and she eventually tells Annabelle that, if Martin is ever going to be a success in politics, he can’t spend all of his time with a country singer who says whatever pops into her head.  What’s weird is that Annabelle decides that Barbara is right.  She and Martin aren’t meant for each other.  Martin is too much of a career politician.  In the end, Martin leaves with Barbara and Annabelle leaves alone.  It was a weird story.  Annabelle came across like a stalker but Barbara wasn’t particularly sympathetic either.  Martin was just kind of wimpy.

Meanwhile, Marcy Crane (Randi Oakes) boards the boat with her father, Richard Simmons (Mason Adams).  Marcy’s just gotten a divorce and Richard is very protective of her.  At first, he’s concerned when she meets Dr. Jonathan Hunt (Frank Bonner), a veterinarian.  Once Marcy explains that she’s not going to rush into another relationship and she’s just looking for casual sex, her father gives the couple his blessing.  This was an oddly inconsequential story.

Finally, Gopher finds a bag that’s full of money!  After he counts the money, he discovers that he is now $47,612 richer!  (Adjusted for inflation, that’s the equivalent of $130,000 today.)  Or, at least, that’ll be the case if Gopher keeps the money.  But Gopher’s a good man at heart so, ultimately, he tells Captain Stubing about the money.  Stubing says that money will be Gopher’s if no one claims it at the end of the cruise.  And indeed, it turns out that the money was not lost by any of the current passengers.  Gopher’s happy until he spots a little old woman crying on the dock in Los Angeles.  She says that she took a cruise two weeks ago and lost a bag with her life’s savings.  Gopher gives her the money.  Awwwww!

This was a sweet story and it was kind of nice to see Gopher get a plotline.  Fred Grandy was a likable actor and I always like the episodes where Gopher reveals that he’s actually got a good heart underneath his goofy exterior.  This story did feature one rather silly fantasy sequence, in which Gopher imagined riding in a limousine with Stubing as his chauffeur, Julie as his wife, and Viki as a little beggar child.  It was kind of a weird fantasy, to be honest.

One good story out of three does not make for a great cruise.  I enjoyed Gopher’s plotline but the other two stories alternated between being dull and annoying.  This was not a great cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat sets sail without a laugh track and things get awkward.

Episode 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on October 24th, 1981)

Julie has hired a new entertainer for this cruise.  His name is Hank Austin (Brian Kerwin) and he’s a teacher-by-day and a dancer-by-night.  Julie has never actually seen Hank perform but Hank’s agent assured Julie that he’s amazing.  How will Julie (and Captain Stubing) react when Hank turns out to be a …. STRIPPER!?

Even more importantly, how will the head of Hank’s PTA react?  Shelley (Christopher Norris) is also a passenger on the boat and she and Hank take an immediate liking to each other.  Fortunately, for Hank, Shelley does not see his performance but afterwards, she tells Hank that she’s heard a lot of people talking about how there’s a male stripper on the ship.  Hank laughs it off.  But then Julie walks up to Shelley and starts to complain about Hank’s act, which is seriously immature of her.  I mean, Julie doesn’t even know Shelley but Julie still acts like she’s morally offended that Shelley would associate with someone with whom Julie is upset.  It’s seriously out-of-character for Julie and it made me wonder if maybe Julie picked up some coke when the ship was docked at Acapulco.

Don’t worry, though.  Julie eventually apologizes for lashing out and Shelley and Hank leave the ship together.  From now on, the only stripping that Hank will be doing will be at PTA meetings.

Things also work out for Frank Dalton (Flip Wilson).  Frank boards the ship and tells Isaac that he changed Frank’s life.  Isaac has no idea who Frank is.  Frank explains that he took the same cruise last year.  He had a fight with his wife and went into the Pirate’s Cove for a drink.  Frank told Isaac his problems.  Isaac told him that sometimes, a man just has to put his foot down.  Frank took Isaac’s advice and, as a result, his wife left him.  Now, Frank is single and suicidal.  Isaac tries to set Frank up with some other passengers.  When that doesn’t work, Isaac calls Frank’s ex-wife and convinces her to board the boat in Acapulco and take him back.  Frank and Janet (Marla Gibbs) are reunited.  Good work, Isaac!

Finally, a jewel thief named Jim Pickett (Michael Zaslow) boards the boat.  He just wants to steal a valuable necklace but instead, he ends up falling in love with Lilia Chandler (Joan Van Ark).  When Jim does steal a necklace from Mrs. Landers (Henny Backus), he gives it to Lila.  However, when it looks like Jim’s going to get caught by the Captain, Lila gives the necklace back to Mrs. Landers.  It turns out that Lila is a jewel thief as well!  She was going to let Jim steal the necklace for her but then she fell in love with him.  The two reformed thieves leave the ship as a couple.

This was a weird episode because there was no laugh track.  There was several moments where it was obvious that a laugh track was meant to be heard but instead of canned laughter, there was only dead air.  It made the entire episode feel a bit awkward.  Laugh tracks are definitely dork and corny but then again, so is The Love Boat.  If anything, The Love Boat is one of the rare shows that benefitted from having a laugh track.  It’s absence made the entire cruise feel weird.

As for the guest stars and their stories, I liked Michael Zaslow and Joan Van Ark.  They had an enjoyable chemistry.  The other two stories weren’t that interesting.  The male stripper story only succeeded in making Julie look totally incompetent at her job.  She got mad at Hank for being a stripper but did it seriously not occur to her to ask what type of dancing he actually did before booking him?  As for the other story, it was just depressing.  A laugh track would have helped….

This was just not a very good cruise, I’m afraid.  It happens.  Hopefully, next week will be better.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat hosts a special event!

Episode 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)

This week, the Love Boat is hosting a wine tasting competition!

Basically, the contestants sit in the ballroom.  They take a sip of wine.  They then write down what type of wine they think they just tasted.  All of the members of the crew and the majority of the passengers watch them.  Seriously, it looks like the most boring thing ever.  I mean, I get why the competitors are into it.  The winner gets a lot of money.  But why would you want to watch people drink?  I mean, if you’re crazy into wine, it seems like you’d want to drink it yourself.  What fun is there in watching other people drink something?  I’ll just say that, if I was on a cruise, I would want to do other things.  I would want lay out by the pool or look at the ocean or maybe solve a murder.  What I would not want to do would be to spend hours watching other people drink and then spit.

Also, I have to wonder about the wisdom of hosting a wine tasting competition on a ship that’s captained by a recovering alcoholic.  Did the show forget this key part of the captain’s character?  Merrill Stubing is a recovering alcoholic and he lives his life with the rigorous discipline of someone who is trying to avoid falling back into old habits.  It would seem like Captain Stubing would at least mention his alcoholic past in this episode, especially after Vicki says that she wishes she could take part in the contest.  Wouldn’t this be a good time for Stubing to explain that an addictive personality can be hereditary?

I know, I know.  I’m overthinking.  It’s just because I found this episode to be remarkably dull.  I mean, I love The Love Boat but this episode was just boring.  The whole wine tasting thing just put me to sleep.

It didn’t help that the three stories weren’t particularly interesting.

Robert Guillaume and Leslie Uggams played the two finalists in the wine tasting competition.  They each lied to the other about why they needed the money.  Then they fell in love and they each threw the competition so the other could win the money.  But since they both got the last wine wrong, no one won and no money was awarded.  Wow, wine tasting is a harsh sport!

Tanya Tucker and Michael Goodwin played a married couple who got divorced every year so that they could get a tax break.  This time, they sailed to Mexico for a quickie divorce.  Tucker’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Walden, was on the cruise and Tucker was tempted to stay divorced.  However, she and Goodwin eventually decided to get married a sixth time and to never get divorced again.  I liked this story solely because it was about screwing over the IRS.

Finally, Betty White wanted to marry Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. but he instead fell for Betty White’s friend, Carol Channing.  No worries though!  Fairbanks gave Betty White a job so that she would no longer have to marry for money.

It was all pretty boring.  As I said, I love this show but this episode tasted as flat as a French wine from 1178.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.1 and 5.2 “The Expedition/Julie’s Wedding/The Mongala/Julie’s Replacement/The Three R’s/The Professor’s Wife”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we start season 5 of The Love Boat!

Episode 5.1 and 5.2 “The Expedition/Julie’s Wedding/The Mongala/Julie’s Replacement/The Three R’s/The Professor’s Wife”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on October 10th, 1981)

The fifth season of The Love Boat opens with a two-hour spectacular.  Our Love Boat crew is in Australia, where they will be guiding The Sea Princess on a voyage through the South Pacific.  It’s a bit odd to start off a season of The Love Boat on a different boat but I guess the plan was to show off all the different ships that sailed for Princess Cruise Lines.  This episode was actually shot on the boat during a cruise.  It’s interesting to see how different the Sea Princess is from the show’s usual location.  It has nicer hallways than the Pacific Princess and a much larger lobby.  However, I prefer the relative privacy of the Pacific Princess’s multi-level dining room to the wide open space provided by the Sea Princess.

Captain Stubing, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc are shocked when Julie does not board the ship.  She’s been on vacation with her boyfriend, Tony (Anthony Andrews), for the last few months. Tony lives in Australia so, really, it shouldn’t be too hard for Julie to make it to the ship. Instead, a substitute cruise director named Yvonne (Delvene Delaney) shows up.  Doc and Gopher are happy because it gives them a new co-worker to lust after.  Captain Stubing is upset because Julie has sent them all a letter in which she explains that she will be marrying Tony and retiring to the animal habitat where he works.  She asks Stubing to give her away and she invites Vicki to be a bridesmaid.  Gopher, Isaac, and Doc will be ushers.

Doc is briefly distracted from chasing Yvonne when he spots Barbara Carroll (Michelle Phillips) boarding the boat.  However, Barbara has eyes for Ralph Sutton (Patrick Duffy), a rancher who is blind without his glasses.  Unfortunately, that means that he can’t read the love letter that Barbara wrote him.  Because she wants Ralph for herself, Connie Walker (Jennilee Harrison) lies about what the letter says.  *GASP*  (Don’t worry, it all works out.)

Meanwhile, an expedition headed by shady Deke Donner (Jose Ferrer) goes to an island and captures a hairy man (Patrick Ward) who they believe is the Mongola, a.k.a., the missing link!  (Wait, what?)  They hide the ape-man in the ship’s cargo area (huh?) and try to keep anyone else from learning that they’re transporting a living thing.  Everyone acts like he’s a caveman but it’s kind of obvious that the Mongola is just a confused guy with a beard.  Dr. Jill McGraw (Donna Dixon) falls in love with the Mongola, much to the consternation of her colleague, Dr. Barry Mason (Gary Frank).  Meanwhile, Deke’s old friend, Prof. Milo Ender (Harry Morgan), is stunned to discover that the Mongola has a vaccination scar.  Milo’s wife, Vivian (Katherine Helmond), encourages Milo to keep the secret to himself so that they can at least make some money off of the Mongola.  (Like, seriously, what the Hell is even going on with this story?)  Milo agrees, though it doesn’t seem to occur to him that, if he could notice the vaccination scar, then pretty much anyone could notice the vaccination scar.  Eventually, the Mongola gets loose from his cage and jumps overboard.  “He’s shark food,” Deke says.  (What in the name of God is going on here?)  However, the Mongola apparently survives because the police are waiting to arrest Deke as soon as the ship docks in Australia.

But what about the wedding!? you’re saying.  Well, the wedding doesn’t happen.  It nearly happens.  Julie shows up at the church.  However, Tony finds out that he’s going to die in a month or two so he leaves Julie at the altar.  Julie flies back to Los Angeles with the rest of the Love Boat crew.

Seriously, this is the most morbid episode of The Love Boat that I’ve ever seen.

Still, morbid or not, it’s an entertainingly weird episode and the Australian and New Zealand scenery is lovely to look at.  (As with all of the two-hour episodes of The Love Boat, there’s a lot of travelogue padding.)  There’s something oddly appealing about seeing the usual Love Boat shenanigans mixed in with a story about the Missing Link and Julie discovering that the love of her life is terminally ill.  I mean, the song isn’t lying.  The Love Boat really does promise something for everyone.

I mean, in the end, we all know that Julie couldn’t get married because then she’d have to leave the show and that wouldn’t happen until Lauren Tewes’s cocaine use became a problem during the seventh season.  Tony could either cheat on her or he could die.  (Better he die than do what almost every man does at his bachelor party.)  The episode ends with Tony still alive so I guess the show’s writer were leaving their options open.  Maybe Tony will make a miraculous recovery, who knows?

Myself, I’m just happy that the crew is back together.  It’s time to set sail …. again!