What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #102: Bermuda Tentacles (dir by Nick Lyon)


Last night, the Snarkalecs and I turned over to SyFy so we could watch and live tweet the latest offering from the Asylum, Bermuda Tentacles!

Why Were We Watching It?

Because it was the first SyFy original film of 2014, that’s why!  Seriously, yesterday should have been a freaking national holiday.  (Sad to say but rumor has it that the SyFy network may be looking to phase out original films — like Bermuda Tentacles — in order to devote more time to episodic television.  I sincerely hope that the network will reconsider that plan.)

What Was It About?

The President (John Savage) has gone missing in the Bermuda Triangle.  It’s up to rebellious Chief Petty Officer Trip Oliver (Trevor Donavon) to save him!  But while Trip and his crew float around under the sea in a submarine, gigantic CGI tentacles attack Admiral Linda Hamilton and the entire U.S. Navy.  Could the two events be related?

What Worked?

What do I always say about Asylum films?  It all worked.  Asylum films are the epitome of low-budget fun and that was certainly the case here.  To be honest, those who criticize a film like Bermuda Tentacles are missing the point.

Asylum films are designed to be watched by large groups of snarky individuals.  That’s why I always look forward to watching them with the Snarkalecs.  And I have to say that we, as a group, were on fire last night!  We were all in full snark mood and it was a wonderful thing to behold.  Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get #BermudaTentacles trending, largely because there were thousands of tweens tweeting about fucking Ashton Irwin at the same time we were tweeting about the movie.   But still, it was a good effort and everyone should be proud.

One thing that the Snarkalecs seemed to especially appreciate about Bermuda Tentacles was just how long, by Oval Office standards, the President’s hair was.

https://twitter.com/trinityskywlker/status/455164564212944896

Thank you, John Savage, for not getting a haircut!

What Did Not Work?

I have to admit that, unlike TSL editor-in-chief Arleigh Sandoc, I’m hardly an expert as far as military history or ranks are concerned.  However, it was obvious, even to me, that the Navy in Bermuda Tentacles didn’t appear to follow any sort of real-world protocol.  Quite a few people on twitter doubted that an admiral would be on a destroyer and some had issues with a scene where the President referred to Oliver as being a “soldier” as opposed to being a “sailor.”  This really wasn’t a big deal to me because, quite frankly, I hardly expect Asylum films to be documentaries.  However, judging from some of the comments on twitter, it was a big deal to quite a few people who had actually served in the Navy.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I had a harder time than usual relating to the characters in Bermuda Tentacles, largely because they were all career military whereas I majored in art history.  I was happy to see that the Admiral was a woman and that none of the men in her command had any problems with taking orders from her.  I would hope that, if I was an admiral, I would be just as effective.

Lessons Learned

There’s nothing quite as uniquely fun as watching a SyFy film with the Snarkalecs.  I’m already excited for the SyFy premiere of Big Ass Spider next Saturday.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #101: The Trials of Cate McCall (dir by Karen Moncrieff)


Last Saturday, I watched the Lifetime premiere of The Trials of Cate McCall.  (Okay, so technically I did not watch this last night.  Instead, I watched it on Saturday night.  However, if not for the fact that I came down with literally the world’s worst cold, I would have written this review on Sunday.  Cut a girl some slack, okay?)

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!

What Was It About?

What isn’t it about?  Seriously, Cate McCall (Kate Beckinsale) has got a lot going on in her life.

Cate is a defense attorney.  She used to be a prosecutor but then she convicted the wrong man and she dealt with her guilt by becoming an alcoholic.  However, after being a few months sober and working under the watchful eye of her AA sponsor (Nick Nolte, of course), Cate is ready to take on the case of a Lacey Stubbs.  Cate is convinced that Lacey was wrongly convicted of murder and she is determined to get Lacey out of a prison.  Presiding over the case is Justice Sumpter (James Cromwell), who Cate had an affair with while she was a law student.

And, on top of all this, Cate is trying to get custody of her daughter and the innocent man she sent to prison wants to talk to her…

What Worked?

In the title role, Kate Beckinsale gave a great performance.  Due to the film’s somewhat disjointed editing, Kate had to basically carry the entire movie on her shoulders and she proved herself to be more than up to the task.

According to the imdb, Taye Diggs played the character of Austin Moseby.  However, at least in the version that was broadcast on Lifetime, there was no character named Austin Moseby and Taye Diggs was nowhere to be found.  I have to admit that I’ve had a lot of fun speculating about who Austin Moseby might have been and why Taye Diggs was apparently edited out of the film.  (Okay, technically, that’s not something that worked for the movie but it has worked towards keeping me amused.)

What Did Not Work?

Despite the snarky commentary that I posted on twitter while watching this film, I was really rooting for The Trials of Cate McCall.  Kate Beckinsale is one of my favorite actresses, I loved courtroom dramas, and I feel that I have something of a responsibility to support films that feature complex and multi-faceted female protagonists.  In other words, I so wanted The Trials of Cate McCall to be a good film.

Sadly, however, this film was never as good as I wanted it to be.  Whether it was the result of postproduction meddling or just inept filmmaking, The Trials of Cate McCall ultimately ended up feeling like a random collection of scenes that never quite added up to being a compelling narrative.  The film had potential but it just did not work.

Add to that, regardless of whether they were justified or not, Cate McCall’s actions towards the end of the film really should have gotten her disbarred.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Who couldn’t relate to Cate’s struggles to balance about six hundred different things at one time?

Lessons Learned

Just because Taye Diggs is listed as being in a movie doesn’t mean that he’s actually in the movie…

Fear The Creature From The Haunted Sea


Creature_from_the_Haunted_Sea

I have this fear that someday I’ll meet Roger Corman and before I can compliment him for directing and producing so many entertaining films or praise him for helping so many women break into the film industry or talk about the subversive feminism of his 70s exploitation films, Corman will ask me something like, “So, what did you think of Creature From The Haunted Sea?”

Because, seriously…

Creature From The Haunted Sea, which the Late Night Movie crew and I watched after Space Raiders, was originally released in 1961.  It tells the story of a mobster named Renzo (Anthony Carbone) who flees Cuba with a bunch of stolen gold.  Renzo finds himself stranded on a boat with a group of revolutionaries, a guy who communicates by making animal noises, and a CIA agent (played by future Oscar-winning screenwriter, Robert Towne).  Anyway, Renzo plans to double-cross everyone by exploiting their fear of the legendary creature of the haunted sea.  However, the joke is on Renzo because it turns out that the creature is real.

In the past, I have defended Roger Corman as a director and I imagine that I’ll do so again in the future.  However, Creature From The Haunted Sea has got to be one of the most boring films that I have ever seen, a film that starts as a comedy and then tries to turn into a horror film but never really succeeds in being funny or scary.  So little happens in the film that it ends up becoming oddly fascinating.

That said, if you’re a fan of Roger Corman’s or a student of B-cinema, you should make time to watch Creature From The Haunted Sea.  While the film might not be exactly watchable, the story behind it is vintage Corman.  Reportedly, Creature From The Haunted Sea was produced because Corman had just finished directing The Last Woman On Earth in Puerto Rico and had some film left over.  So, he decided why not make another movie?  Regardless of the film’s final quality, it’s hard not to respect Roger’s refusal to allow any opportunity to pass by.

Beyond that, I would recommend Creature From The Haunted Sea for two reasons.  Number one, the opening credits feature some cute cartoons and you know I can’t resist a cute cartoon.  Finally, the creature itself simply has to be seen to be believed.  How can you not be somewhat charmed by a monster that appears to be made out of sea weed and ping-pong balls?

If you dare, check out Creature From The Haunted Sea below.

 

A Quickie In Space: Space Raiders (dir by Howard R. Cohen)


Space Raiders

Last Saturday was Roger Corman’s 88th birthday and what better way to celebrate than to watch one of the many low-budget but undeniably entertaining films that the great man has produced?

That’s just what I did on Saturday with my Late Night Movie friends.  The movie we watched was an obscure 1983 science fiction film called Space Raiders.  Now, technically, this film was directed by Howard Cohen but, from the first frame, it was obviously a Roger Corman film.  It was also a lot of fun.

Space Raiders takes place in the distant future, at a time when intergalactic corporations have colonized planets with sullen children and space criminals spend their spare time hanging out in dank space stations.  From the minute the film opens with a scene of robots doing menial labor in a factory while a the factory foreman assures the human workers that the next company picnic will take place on a planet where it doesn’t rain, there’s little doubt that the main message of Space Raiders is that the future sucks.

10 year-old Peter (David Mendelhall) lives on the planet of Proycon III (which, if nothing else, is a great name for a planet).  Neglected by his wealthy parents and apparently being the only child on Proycon III, Peter spends his spare time sneaking into robot-filled factories and capturing space bugs.  That’s what Peter is doing when he witnesses a daring raid by a group of — wait for it — space raiders!  Led by the surly but kind-hearted Hawk (Vince Edwards), the raiders steal a spaceship from the factory.  What they don’t realize is that Peter (and the bug that he had just captured seconds before the raid) has stowed away on the ship.

At first, Hawk is not enthusiastic about Peter being on the ship and Peter just wants to get home.  However, as the space raiders deal with both intergalactic cops and alien gangsters, Hawk and the kid start to bond and Peter gets to know the rest of the crew.

Now, to be honest, the majority of Hawk’s crew were pretty interchangeable but my friends and I quickly decided that our favorite was the one that we named Capt. Forehead (played by Thom Christopher).  Capt. Forehead was an alien who had psychic powers and who carried himself with the wounded dignity of a head waiter having a bad night.  It was hard not to like him.

Captain Forehead

Anyway, Peter’s parents want their son back and, since they work for an evil corporation, they have no problem hiring evil mercenaries to get their son back.  It all leads to a lot of people shooting lasers at each other and exploding spaceships.

Now, honestly, we can get all technical and picky about whether or not the plot of Space Raiders made any sense or whether or not any of the actors gave good performances.  We can even talk about the logic of the scene where Peter –upon realizing that Hawk is on a different spaceship than him — responds by attempting to yell, “HAWK!” across the far reaches of space.

But you know what?

That’s missing the point.

In the way that only a low-budget science fiction film produced by Roger Corman can be, Space Raiders was a lot of fun.  The movie moved quickly, the aliens were fun to look at, and the special effects were charmingly cheap.  Flaws and all, Space Raiders had more humanity than Man of Steel, more humor than Gravity, and it was a lot shorter than Avatar.

Watch it below and see for yourself.

 

Red Band Trailer: Sex Tape


Hey there, loyal Shattered Lens readers.

So, as you may have noticed, I am running really far behind as far as getting all of my film reviews done.  Along with reviewing the two films that tied for first place in my latest What Should Lisa Watch Poll, I also need to review the last few films that I saw in theaters and on Lifetime.

I apologize for all of the delays but fear not — I will get caught up!

Until then, here’s a red band trailer to consider.  Just judging from this trailer, Sex Tape appears to be a one joke film.  However, I like Jason Segal and I enjoyed Bad Teacher so I will keep an open mind as far as Sex Tape is concerned.

 

Trailer: Hercules


I put off watching this trailer for a while because, seriously, how can you improve on the year’s previous Hercules film?  (Note the sarcasm.)  However, this trailer for the second Hercules of 2014 actually looks pretty good.  If nothing else, these seems to be the role that Dwayne Johnson was born to play.

The Results Are In And We Have A Tie!


Last Monday, I invited our readers to tell me what to watch and review this week.  I nominated 12 films and then I invited you to vote.

And vote you did!

Over 1,100 votes were cast and the race was close throughout the week.  Now that the week is over and the poll has been closed, I can officially announce that…

WE HAVE A TIE!

That’s right.  For the first time in the history of this site, our poll has ended with a tie.  Receiving 159 votes each, Much Ado About Nothing and Troll 2 have tied for the top spot.

Well played, Shattered Lens readers, well played.

Well, what choice do I have now but to watch and review both of our winners?

And you know what?

I’m looking forward to it.

Seriously, what could be better than following up a little Shakespeare with a little Troll 2?

Thank you to everyone who voted!

Love you!

*MWAH*

(And look for the reviews soon!)