Documentary Review: Prophet’s Prey (dir by Amy Berg)

Posted on November 3, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I just finished watching the documentary Prophet’s Prey and I have to say that it’s one of the creepiest things that I’ve ever seen in my life. As our regular readers know, I love horror movies but, in many ways, Prophet’s Prey is scarier than even the most effective horror film. Prophet’s Prey is frightening because it’s true.

Prophet’s Prey is about the secretive Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), a group that is best known for its practice of polygamy. The Presidents of the FLDS, Warren Jeffs, has been convicted of two counts of child sexual assault and is currently serving a life sentence. This documentary suggests that Warren Jeffs (who is estimated to have close to 70 wives) is still controlling the FLDS from behind bars.

Warren Jeffs’s voice is heard throughout the film. He recorded his sermons, the majority of which appeared to be about the importance of obeying his authority, and we hear excerpts of them throughout the film. What’s especially striking is that Warren Jeffs does not sound the way that we would expect him to. After hearing about how powerful he is and how the members of the FLDS continue to defend and follow him, we expect to hear a voice full of charisma and insidious power. Instead, the sermons are delivered in a flat monotone and the utter banality of his voice makes them all the more creepy. It’s the same monotone that we hear when a tape is played of Jeffs praying and then having sex with a 12 year-old that he’s just married.

We also hear a few excerpts of Warren Jeffs at his arraignment. His response to nearly every question is to softly reply, “Fifth amendment.” Even when asked if he has any remorse about his crimes, he replies, “Fifth amendment.”

We also see footage of Warren Jeffs in jail. We watches as he wanders around his tiny cell and occasionally tries to get some sleep. And again, the thing that strikes us is how ordinary and boring he looks. If you ever needed proof of the banality of evil, Warren Jeffs would appear to be that proof.

How, we wonder, did this seemingly dull and uncharismatic man become one of the biggest (and, some would say, most dangerous) cult leaders in America?

The film searches for an answer and suggests that Warren Jeffs’s power over his followers has less to do with Warren and more to do with the culture in which they were raised. The film’s best moments come when the filmmakers drive through the twin towns of Colorado City, Arizona and Hilldale, Utah. These towns served as the headquarters of the FLDS. Cameras line the roads, keeping track of strangers driving past the modest and identical houses. The people who live in town watch the cars pass with unsmiling expressions. Soon, the camera crew realize that they are being followed by another car. At one point, a member of Jeffs’s security force pulls them over and asks what they’re done before taking their pictures. With mountains rising high in the background and the blue sky seeming to go on forever, Colorado City and Hilldale seem like the most isolated places in the world.

Because it covers so much material and comes to so many disturbing conclusions, Prophet’s Prey can be an exhausting film. Along with detailing the life and crimes of Warren Jeffs, the film also details the larger history and culture of the FLDS. It makes for fascinating and disturbing history and it all ends with the ominous reminder that Warren Jeffs is still leading his group from prison.

Pair Prophet’s Prey with Going Clear for an anti-cult double feature.

Hallmark Review: Hitched For The Holidays (2012, dir. Michael Scott)

Posted on November 3, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Wait, this was written by Gary Goldstein? Well Gary, if there was ever one of your Hallmark movies where the characters should be singing When The Saints Go Marching In, then this is it! If nothing else, at least Joey Lawrence can sing. But I guess just rehashing My Fake Fiancee (2009) with a holiday twist is fine. At least this is back when Joey had some of his hair again.

So there’s Joey Lawrence playing Rob. Rob is a bit of downer. His grandmother is in the hospital harassing him to get married since this is a Hallmark movie. He claims to be dating a woman named Rosemary.

That’s Emily Hampshire playing Julie who doesn’t look happy because her mom, played by Marilu Henner, is harassing her to get to dating. But that alone doesn’t put that look on your face or cock your neck to the side. So let’s have her mom trying to make her date a guy with a foot fetish. This guy.

Oh, and even at the end of this movie when this guy shows up again the movie switches from the kind of music you’d expect to foot fetish music as he stares at her feet. It’s pretty funny. Wait…foot fetish and this was written by Gary Goldstein. I wonder if Gary has a thing for feet? The leading lady put “nice feet” on her list of things that must be in the man she marries in The Wish List, which he also wrote.

Well, you’d think after Hampshire survived My Awkward Sexual Adventure (2012) that she’d be able to handle Mr. Foot Fetish, but she’s pretty non-confrontational. So how do these two meet? Well, through Rickyslist.org of course!

They are each looking for someone to be a temporary stand-in lover for the holiday season. Seeing as this is a Hallmark movie, she can’t go with the more interesting and humorous option this screen affords. I wonder what “misc romance” means.

Still, this movie probably would have been more interesting had she accepted that message from SatanSpawn.

They hook up and go to a party together as a couple. Unfortunately, Rob tries to do the dance number from The Wish List, but seeing as there isn’t another dude there and his character is drunk, it doesn’t work out. Of course they end up making amends, but there’s another issue. She’s Jewish and he’s Catholic. They even throw Kwanzaa into the mix. Actually it’s snuck into the movie in a rather humorous way. At least it’s funnier than this scene.

Julie of course tells her parents that Rob is Jewish too. So that means they need to light the Menorah. She leads him through this whole elaborate ceremony only to have him blow the candles out immediately after he finishes lighting them. Yeah, I believe Rob is that ignorant and stupid about as much as I believe Anastasia Steele didn’t know what butt plugs were in Fifty Shades Of Grey. At least the worst that happens to her is she breaks an old family ornament of Rob’s after trying to hang it on his family’s Christmas Tree, which later becomes a Hanukkah Tree.

That’s this movie in a nutshell. It’s a series of religious misunderstandings that ultimately ends up with Rob and Julie finding out that their families care about them being happy before anything else. Even when Rob says he’s going to convert to Judaism he’s surprised when his family is happy about it because they know he obviously cares for Julie and that’s what matters to them.

Of course there’s a minor hiccup at the end. But it all works out because Rob ends up with a horse. I guess that’s what “misc romance” means.

Actually, he does wind up on a horse in order to reach Julie through bumper to bumper traffic on New Year’s Eve. All I can think while writing this is that Crocodile Dundee (1986) did it better.

If the clip is gone and you don’t know what I’m referring to, then go watch Crocodile Dundee now.

In the end some title cards tell us what happened after they found each other. It includes that they were married by both a priest and a rabbi. There’s a joke in there, but I’m still busy trying to figure out the rest of that joke email about the brunette and the redhead trying to break out of jail from Midnight Masquerade.

This one’s okay if you can push past some of the ignorance it expects you to buy here and there about the characters and religion.

So, I watched The Leisure Class…

Posted on November 3, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, it had to happen sometime.

After 8 weeks of showing us how the film was made, HBO finally had to broadcast the latest Project Greenlight film. Over the course of the series, we’ve watched the seemingly humorless director Jason Mann struggle to maintain his “artistic vision” while directing his first feature film, The Leisure Class. We watched as he fought for and won the right to shoot on film. We wondered if Jason would be able to pull off the film’s big stunt. Even more importantly, we watched because we were hooked on the hostility between Jason and the film’s producer, Effie Brown. Jason resented having to answer to Effie. Effie resented having to work on something like The Leisure Class. For 8 weeks, viewers were either Team Jason or Team Effie.

And through it all, we wondered — was The Leisure Class any good?

From the minute that Jason was named as The Leisure Class‘s director, I had my doubts. A comedic sensibility is something that you either have or you don’t. At first glance, there was nothing about Jason that suggested he even had a sense of humor. Once filming started, nothing that we were shown looked all that promising. The film’s trailer felt more frantic than anything else and I slowly found myself dreading the prospect of sitting through The Leisure Class.

But sit through it I did and … well, it was bad. Unfortunately, it really wasn’t bad enough to be enjoyable. Instead, it was just a bland misfire. If the film was interesting, it was because I related each scene to what I had previously seen on Project Greenlight. Wow, I thought, Effie sure was mad when they were shooting this scene. A few minutes later: Is this the scene that Jason was worried would be underlit? And then later: This is the scene where Bruce Davison wasn’t sure whether he should say pricks or dicks! I’m glad they were able to make a final decision…

As for the film itself — well, how do you describe the plot of a film that really didn’t seem to have a storyline? Charles (Ed Weeks) is actually William, a British con artist. He is about to marry Fiona (Bridget Regan), the daughter of Sen. Langston (Bruce Davison). At first, Charles was just planning on stealing Langston’s money but now he’s fallen in love with Fiona. The day before the wedding, Charles’s alcoholic brother, Leonard (Tom Bell), shows up at the Langston estate. He pretends to be Charles’s best friend. And then, Leonard gets drunk and encourages a bunch of teenagers to skinny dip. And then there’s the car accident. (This is the big stunt that Jason was so concerned with.) And then Sen. Langston gets drunk and there’s this amazingly ugly scene where he says a lot of nasty things to his wife and his daughters. And then Langston nearly murders Charles and Leonard but Fiona ends up pulling a gun on him. And then the next morning, Leonard draws on Langston’s face. There’s also a prostitute, named Carla (Christina Lakin), who shows up for no reason but at least she gets a few funny lines. The film doesn’t add up too much, with none of the characters or their actions making much sense. The script feels like a first draft and, even at only 80 minutes, the movie seems to be way too long.

The overriding theme of Project Greenlight‘s fourth season has been that Jason has gotten nearly everything that he wanted while shooting his film. Personally, it wouldn’t surprise me to discover that this season was pretty much edited to cast Jason in as negative a light as possible. (Otherwise, the HBO execs would have to take responsibility of the train wreck that is The Leisure Class.) Still, it’s impossible to deny that Jason fought a lot of battles and that none of them seem to have made much difference as far as the end product is concerned.

Jason fought to shoot The Leisure Class on film, as opposed to going digital. He even turned down extra shooting days so that he could get film. But visually, The Leisure Class is flat and boring. It may have been shot on film but it still looks like a single camera sitcom. (In fact, it’s hard not to feel that the film could have been improved if it had taken an Office or Modern Family mockumentary approach. At least that way, the characters could have explained their often confusing motivation.)

Jason got the cast that he wanted but that cast is let down by a poorly conceived script. All of the characters are so one-dimensional that it’s doubtful that there’s much anyone in the cast could have done to make them interesting. I like both Ed Weeks and Tom Bell but the film let both of them down. Meanwhile, Bruce Davison is reduced to bellowing out his lines.

Jason fought to find the perfect location and spent a lot of time talking about how the Langston estate was almost as important as the characters. The house looks gorgeous but the film is directed in such a haphazard manner that you never really get to appreciate it. For a director who spent so much time obsessing over minutiae, Jason’s film is unique for its total lack of interesting detail.

Let’s not forget — when the season began, Jason was selected to direct a broad comedy called Not Another Pretty Woman. Jason is the one who suggested making The Leisure Class instead. That said, I have a hard time believing, as some have suggested on twitter, that Not Another Pretty Woman would have been much of an improvement.

Ultimately, Jason seems to be an okay technical director. He knows how to light a scene. He understands the importance of moving the camera. I imagine he could probably spend hours explaining why he chose to use a certain type of lens. Unfortunately, there’s not a single scene in The Leisure Class that feels spontaneous. There’s no humanity to the characters. It’s a cold movie that feels more like a student film than anything else.

From what I’ve read, it appears that there will be at least one more season of Project Greenlight. And I’m happy to hear that because the show makes for good drama. I just wish that it would occasionally make for a good movie.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #144: A Student’s Obsession (directed by Damian Romay)

Posted on November 2, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Sunday night, I watched a Lifetime movie called A Student’s Obsession.

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, the obvious answer that it was on Lifetime. But even beyond that, there’s the fact that the title contained the word “obsession.” Anytime a Lifetime film is about an obsession, it usually turns out to be pretty good.

What Was It About?

Stephanie (Louise Lombard) is a science teacher in Florida. During a field trip to the Florida Everglades, Stephanie is kissed by her new student, James (Alex Esola). Stephanie demands that James be transferred to another science class but it turns out that James doesn’t take rejection well. Soon, Stephanie is being stalked but is she being stalked by James or by her creepy colleague, Richard (Richard Haylor)? And, even more importantly, should she be concerned that her daughter, Nicole (Ella Wahlestedt), has a new boyfriend who is named Seth but looks just like James?

What Worked?

The film was enjoyably over-the-top and melodramatic. That, after all, is what we expect from a Lifetime movie about obsession and A Student’s Obsession delivered.

What Did Not Work?

How stupid can one person be before you lose all sympathy for her? That’s the question that you have to consider while watching this film because Stephanie does a lot of very stupid things. Obviously, whenever it comes to a movie like this, you have to be willing to suspend your disbelief but this movie demanded that you do more than just suspend it. In order to take this movie seriously, you had to ignore the whole concept of disbelief. Stephanie did so many stupid things that it was next to impossible to have much sympathy for her.

Myself, I lost all sympathy for Stephanie the minute that she decided to sit in a car and have a conversation with James. This occurred right after Stephanie had been fired because of all the rumors about her and James. And yet, even though Stephanie knew that everyone was saying stuff that could possibly cause her to never work as a teacher again, she still decided to get in a car with James and have a conversation with him. And, of course, the car was parked in the school parking lot so any teacher or student could have easily walked by and seen the two of them.

At that point, I said, “Okay, Stephanie — you’re too dumb for me to care about.”

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Oh, there was so much I related to in this film and I’m not just talking about the whole experience of having to deal with creepy stalkers. For instance, much like Stephanie, I am a runner. I run whenever I’m stressed out and, when I’m running, I’m usually off in my own little world. That whole scene where Stephanie nearly got run over because she wasn’t paying attention when she ran out in the middle of the road? Done that.

(Of course, the big difference is that I yelled at the car and gave the driver the finger and everything else. Stephanie just kind of ignores the car.)

I also related to Stephanie’s daughter, Nicole. This was largely because Nicole was a rebellious redhead and so am I!

Lessons Learned

I should have gone to high school in Florida. Seriously, the school was huge and the science class got to go on a totally kickass field trip to the Everglades.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #143: Online Abduction (dir by Steven R. Monroe)

Posted on November 2, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This weekend, as I recovered from our latest Horror Month here at the Lens, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Online Abduction.

Why Was I Watching It?

So, as our long-time readers can probably imagine, last month was an exhausting time here at the Shattered Lens. Though I don’t have an exact count, I believe that I personally wrote over 150 reviews for October. When Halloween finally arrived I was on the verge of collapse. What better way to decompress than by watching the latest film on Lifetime?

What Was It About?

Isabel (Brooke Butler) is a teenager with issues. Her mother (Natalia Livingston) ignores her. Her stepfather (David Chokachi) is overly critical of her. Her 3 year-old brother gets the all the attention. Feeling unwanted by her family, Isabel spends most of her time online or hanging out with her friends, all of whom spend most of their time online as well.

However, one day, her little brother is abducted. With her parents blaming her and the FBI turning out to be surprisingly inefficient, Isabel takes it upon herself to find out what has happened to her little brother. And, fortunately, she knows how to use the internet to do it…

What Worked?

Most Lifetime movies are basically about unappreciated mothers whose daughters refuse to take their advise until it’s almost too late. The film usually ends with the daughter hugging her mom and admitting that she should have listened to her mother from the beginning. Online Abduction, however, tweaks the formula. This time, it’s the daughter who knows best and the mom who should have listened to her from the beginning.

As well, most Lifetime film present the internet as being an instrument of the devil. So, it was interesting to see a Lifetime film where the internet was not only a good thing but also the key to solving all of the world’s problems. (Online Abduction was pretty much the epitome of a “the internet can do anything!” movie.)

What Did Not Work?

The mystery was a bit pedestrian. I kept waiting for some big twist and it never came. Online Abduction lacked the type of over-the-top, batshit crazy melodrama that a lot of us look forward to when it comes to Lifetime movies.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to Isabel. It’s not easy being a teenager.

Lessons Learned

The kids are alright and the Internet can solve anything.

Belated Halloween Film Review: Twitches Too (2007, dir. Stuart Gillard)

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Okay, I exaggerated a little about how bad this movie is, but it still stinks. Let’s go back to the way I started the review of Twitches. There I likened it to finding that burning bag of dog poop on your doorstep. Now a story from my childhood which did involve twins. One time as a prank, these twin girls that moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school decided to do the dog poop thing at a friend’s house. They had a bag. They had poop. They rang the doorbell. They forgot to set it on fire. That meant my friend answered the door to just find a bag of poop on his doorstep and nothing else. That’s Twitches Too. It get’s rid of Jennifer Robertson as Illeana and replaces her with Leslie Seiler. However, Pat Kelly does return as Karsh. Seiler and Kelly are nowhere as good together as Robertson and Kelly. Also, this movie does something I never would have expected in a Disney Channel Original Movie. The boom mic drops into the frame.

That kind of screw up I would expect in a low budget horror film, an exploitation flick, or Chatterbox! (1977) where it pops in from the bottom as if her vagina can actually talk. It’s in at least two movies I’ve reviewed: Trancers and Prom Night III: The Last Kiss. A B-Movie and a low budget horror flick.

So what is Twitches Too about? Well, what do you think it’s about? The darkness is not quite gone and their actual father might be in there somewhere. Oh, and the “Go, Twitches” thing makes a return in this movie. Just great! Oddly, this one also has a cast member from Degrassi: TNG in it.

That’s Nathan Stephenson.

There really is very little to talk about with Twitches Too. They have some fun with magic. Illeana and Karsh aren’t as good as they were in the first film. There’s more of Coventry since that’s no longer a secret from the girls. And ultimately it comes down to the girls and their birth mother fighting off the bad guy from the first one and brining back their birth father from the shadows. I mean literally the shadows. At one point he is hiding in the shadow of a lady.

Yeah, we are supposed to be scared for her in this scene near the end, but I didn’t care because the rest of the film was terrible. Whereas this similar scene in Blow Out (1981) does work and is heartbreaking because the film is amazing.

Don’t let your children watch this, don’t let them make you watch it, and just simply don’t watch Twitches Too for any reason.

Belated Halloween Film Review: Twitches (2005, dir. Stuart Gillard)

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I know Halloween already happened, but I did promise to review the two Twitches movies when I reviewed Return To Halloweentown. So here they come. And it’s kind of like answering the doorbell and finding that burning bag of dog poop.

Also, just for your information, there’s no way I am going to be able to keep Tia and Tamera straight. I knew twins in real life growing up and couldn’t tell which was which so I’m not even going to try. Not that I’m gonna talk much about them anyways.

The movie starts off with two twin witches (Tia Mowry-Hardrict and Tamera Mowry-Housley) being taken away by the two most entertaining people in this movie as darkness envelopes Coventry.

This is Illeana (Jennifer Robertson).

This is Karsh (Pat Kelly).

They are the bright points of this movie. It begins with them rescuing the twin witches and taking them to the human world to hide them from the darkness. Illeana makes it to a hospital, and Karsh makes it away safely as well, but first he encounters something horrifying.

That’s right. It’s Jake Goldsbie from Degrassi: TNG out trick-or-treating. Apparently, whether it’s Lifetime, Hallmark, or Disney, you’ll likely see actors from Degrassi: TNG pop up. Actually, I just saw Aislinn Paul on Heroes Reborn so I guess they’re everywhere!

Anyways, getting back to the lousy movie. 21 years later, on Halloween, we find that one of the Twitches has grown up in privilege while the other hasn’t. Standard stuff. We also find out that all this time Illeana and Karsh have been hanging around waiting for them both to reach 21.

These two really are good in this movie. They bicker like an old couple. They have far more chemistry than most of the couples in those Hallmark movies I watch. I could have watched a prequel to this that just has them following around the Twitches while cracking jokes. I love when Illena walks through a wall, then proceeds to complain about the fact that she had to pass through 70’s wallpaper. Honestly, if I knew of a supercut of this movie that only had their scenes then I would embed it below. Unfortunately, while they are being funny, this is going on.

I can’t tell you how much it irritated me when they would say “Go, Twitches. Go, Twitches”. I really just wanted Illeana and Karsh.

The Twitches just return home and vanquish the darkness. Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, I want my Illeana and Karsh movie! I know that kind of movie can be done. Heart And Souls did it back in 1993. That movie had actors like Charles Grodin and Alfre Woodard following around Robert Downey, Jr. as ghosts and they were funny. That’s essentially what Illeana and Karsh did for all those 21 years.

And according to IMDb reviewers, this is worse than I could have thought because it’s based on a series of books that of course it doesn’t follow well. Course I did just sit through Masters Of The Universe (1987) so how much worse could it be if it wasn’t true to the source material? Well, I don’t know, but I do know what happens when you swap out one half of the Illeana/Karsh duo with a different actress. That’s Twitches Too, where joy and happiness goes to die.

Hallmark Review: Cloudy With A Chance Of Love (2015, dir. Bradford May)

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Okay, before I review this, I have to point out that this is the second Hallmark movie I’ve reviewed that stars Katie Leclerc which has a lazy title card. At least this one has something going on behind it. Unlike the plain white text on a black background for the movie The Reckoning.

With that out of the way. Let’s talk about this movie. Remember A Gift Of Miracles? Yeah, it’s the same setup here. A girl played by Katie Leclerc needs to get a research fellowship in order to get her PhD. The difference is that it in no way means she needs to believe in an afterlife, and she doesn’t get her pitch from a real world World Wildlife Federation report. So, there’s that going for this movie.

In digital computers there’s no such thing as a curve. Curves are approximated by a series of lines. Use enough of them and you get what looks like a curve. In movies, story arc and character arc are approximated with scenes instead of lines. Use enough of them and you get what looks like an arc. But if you don’t, then you end up with awkward jumps that have your audience asking questions like: “Why are they talking like she’s worked there for months? Didn’t they just hire her?” That’s this movie. It was also clearly done on the cheap, and it shows. Also, for fans of the Mystery Woman Hallmark movies.

They show establishing exterior shots of the fictional Pacifica University that Leclerc’s character attends over and over and over again. I get it! You came up with a more realistic sounding university than California University from Beverly Hills, 90210, but every time you show it I notice that it says “Library and Learning Resource Center” on the building that also apparently houses this “Meteorology Weather Center”.

The movie is about Deb, played by Katie Leclerc, who is a doctoral candidate meteorologist that gets called in at the last minute to replace a TV meteorologist. She’s encouraged to do it because it will make her stand out. The movie is about her trying to decide whether she really does want to pursue that research fellowship or if this TV thing is actually something she enjoys. Of course they need to give her a makeover. And who better than fashion victim survivor Stacey Dash. This girl.

Who 20 years prior in Clueless (1995) was this girl.

I mentioned this movie was done on the cheap. Here’s an example.

That’s Leclerc standing in front of a green screen that we are supposed to know is a green screen, but then it cuts to a reporter on the scene.

Oh, did I say “on the scene”? I meant in front of another green screen.

Also, this is one of those Hallmark movies where we can hear the rain in the scene, but it isn’t actually there. However, this movie does have an excuse for that. For plot convenience so that there’s conflict at the end, Deb’s friend is doing a documentary on the drought in my home state of California. I’m sure that’s why they didn’t use a rain machine. At least the scene is way better than the one I remember from one of the Garage Sale Mystery or Aurora Teagarden movies. In that one they were outside, umbrellas with drops on them, probably in Fall, with puddles around them, and the sound of rain, but there was no rain as noted by the perfectly still puddles.

Jumping ahead to the end. I totally believe this is not a backdrop behind them.

Also…

that’s Deb’s competition for the fellowship and that’s almost 100% of everything you see and hear her doing for that fellowship. And yet, the movie will constantly have Deb’s mentor saying that this girl is giving her really stiff competition and that she’s at serious risk for losing the fellowship. The least they could have done was tell us what she’s doing, right? Nope, there’s a speech at the end she gives, but we come in at the very end of it and they just have a generic blue Powerpoint card with the name of the university up throughout the whole scene.

Does it matter who the guy is? Well, that’s him. That’s the scene where he and Deb talk as if they’ve worked together for months, but for the viewer she just got hired.

It really doesn’t matter what I say about this. It’s not worth watching. Leclerc is fine and the news anchor is a bright point in the movie. However, it’s done so cheaply and jumps so much plot and character wise that while it’s conceivably possible to push past all that, it’s like this actor trying to actually believe he’s outside.

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (dir by Andrea Bianchi)

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“For my final entry in October’s Daily Horror Grindhouse, I want to take a few minutes to tell you about an Italian zombie film from 1981. Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror is not very good but it certainly is memorable. I think it’s debatable whether or not any pleasure can truly be described as being guilty but if there ever was a movie that some people might feel guilty about enjoying, it would probably be Burial Ground.”

“Is that the movie with creepy kid in it?”

“Well, yes, one of the characters in this film is supposed to be a 12 year-old boy and yes, he’s kind of creepy. But you know what? Whenever anyone tries to talk about Burial Ground, everyone always wants to talk about the creepy kid. So, let’s hold off on the creepy kid…”

“That kid really is creepy…”

“Yes, I know the kid is creepy but there’s more to the film than just the kid! For instance, I wonder how many people realize that Burial Ground is perhaps the most blatantly political Italian zombie film ever made? I mean, let’s think about it. This is a film where a bunch of decadent rich people get trapped in a mansion — the same mansion that was used in Patrick Lives Again, by the way — and find themselves besieged by zombies. And who are the zombies? They’re the former workers. They’re the servants who used to toil in the fields and who died exploited and forgotten. And now, without any explanation, they’re suddenly back and they’re determined to kill everyone. And when it comes time to get inside the house, they actually use tools. They have scythes and hammers and all the former tools of their oppression. They are now using them to kill the rich. Well, not just the rich. There are two servants — a butler and a maid — who side with the rich and therefore, have to be killed as well because that’s the way things are in a revolution….”

“What was up with that kid?”

“We’ll get to him. No matter what else you say about Burial Ground, you can’t deny that the zombies were amazingly effective. I mean, they really looked like the living dead and, even if the ‘living’ actors were never quite convincing, the zombies were scary!”

“Not as scary as that creepyass kid…”

“You know, sometimes I think that y’all spend so much time going on about the weird little kid in Burial Ground that you tend to overlook some other fun parts of the film. For instance, there’s the scene Janet — played by Karen Well — gets her ankle stuck in a bear trap and, every time that her boyfriend Mark (Gianluigi Chirizzi) tries to pry it open, he accidentally ends up letting go and it snaps back shut on her ankle. On the one hand, I was having sympathy pains for poor Janet because, as a dancer, I know how much ankle pain sucks. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but laugh because the scene just goes on for so long that it actually starts to resemble a poorly-written SNL sketch. Plus, is it just me or does Mark look like a really young Jack Nicholson?”

“That creepy kid kind of looked like Dario Argento…”

“Yes, he did. But there’s more to this film than the kid! For instance, remember how it ends with this long quote from something called The Prophecy of The Black Spider but, on the title card, they misspelled prophecy…”

“Maybe the kid wrote that card…”

*Sigh* “Okay, I guess I should just admit the truth. The most memorable thing about Burial Ground is the creepy kid. The zombies may be effective. The film may be full of blood, nudity, bear traps, and misspelled words. But ultimately, it all comes down to the character of Michael. Michael is supposed to be 12 years old. He has a small body but he’s also got this weird adult face. According to the credits, he was played by an actor named Peter Bark and strangely enough, there seems to be next to no information available about him. This has led to rumors that Peter Bark was actually a little person or that all of his scenes used trick photography to make him look smaller than he actually was. According to Wikipedia, Peter Bark was actually 25 years old but he was cast because Italian law wouldn’t allow a child to appear in a film like Burial Ground. I don’t necessarily believe that, however. All I can say for sure is that Michael is a creepy little kid and the fact that he was obviously dubbed by an adult trying to sound like a child doesn’t help.”

“That’s not the only reason that Michael was creepy!”

“That’s true. He also has a few … icky scenes with his mother. She, by the way, was played by Mariangela Giordano. Like Giallo in Venice and Patrick Lives Again, Burial Ground was produced by her boyfriend, Gabriele Crisanti. For some reason, any film that he produced featured Mariangela dying in the most gruesome ways possible.”

“Plus, that little kid sure was creepy.”

“Yes, this is true. He certainly was. Happy Halloween.”

“Happy Halloween!”

“Before we leave, here’s two trailers for Burial Ground. The second one is the real trailer. The first one is all Michael.”

Horror Film Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (dir by Tobe Hooper)

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Occasionally, I get asked why I am always making mean-spirited jokes about Vermont. Well, believe it or not, there is a reason! Would you believe that it all goes back to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

In an editorial that was posted on this very site, I argued that one reason why, ever since it was initially released in 1974, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has remained an iconic horror film is because the title specifically alerts you that the film takes place in Texas. For whatever reason, people across America are terrified of my home state. Despite the fact that we’re all pretty friendly down here, people are scared to death. They think we’re all walking around with guns or that something’s bad is going to happen if you make a wrong turn. (And, of course, folks from up north can’t handle the fact that the temperature occasionally gets above 85. “OH MY GOD, IT’S GLOBAL WARMING!” the tourists shout. No, morons — it’s just summer in Texas.) In order to prove my point, I pointed out that no one would want to see a movie called The Vermont Chainsaw Massacre.

For good measure, I may have then added, “Fuck Vermont.” Because — well, why not?*

Within hours of posting that editorial, I heard from someone in Vermont and OH MY GOD, she was so offended! Seriously, she seemed to be really upset that I was suggesting that nobody would be scared of getting horribly murdered while driving through Vermont!

So, to the people of Vermont, accept my apologies. Y’all are just as capable of killing people with a chainsaw as we are, okay?

Seriously, though, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre would never work if it was set in Vermont. That’s not just because Vermont su …. uhmm, is a lovely state. That’s because The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a uniquely Texan film. One reason why this film is so successful is because it was made by Texans and it starred Texans (no inauthentic accents here!) and it was filmed in Texas during the summer. From the minute we see that van driving down the road, we feel the isolation of the characters. Every frame of the film is filled with Texas heat and humidity and, as such, the audience can almost literally feel how uncomfortable it is inside the van, so much so that you really can’t blame everyone for wanting to get out and walk around for a while. Ultimately, the burning sun is as important a character in this film as Sally (Marilyn Burns), her obnoxious wheelchair-bound brother Franklin (Paul A, Partain), or Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen), the hulking cannibal who chases after them with a chainsaw.

Actually, it’s a little bit difficult to know what to say about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s such a famous film that even people who haven’t seen it feel as if they had. And every review always points out the reasons why it works: the film is shot in an almost documentary style, Marilyn Burns was one of the great scream queens, Leatherface’s final dance with his chainsaw is pure nightmare fuel, and, despite the fearsome title, next to no blood is actually seen on screen. This is one of those films where we imagine we see a lot more than we actually do. Despite being advertised as being a “chainsaw massacre,” only one person actually falls victim to a chainsaw and he’s so obnoxious that you’re kind of happy that he finally stopped talking.

They may not be much blood on the screen but this is still one of the most stomach-churning films ever made. When Sally finds herself trapped in the house with Leatherface and his family, that house is so filthy and disgusting that you can literally smell the rotting flesh coming off the screen. This may be a case of my own OCD speaking but the squalor of that house tends to disturb me even more than some of the murders.

Speaking of the murders, the death of Jerry (Allan Danziger) always freaks me out. Jerry is looking for his other dead friends when Leatherface appears out of nowhere and hits him with a sledgehammer. Up until that point, Jerry seemed like the smartest of the five people to find themselves wandering around that desolated part of South Texas. Certainly, if I had been there, I probably would have wanted to stay with Jerry. Perhaps that’s why Jerry’s high-pitched scream before getting killed always disturbs me. If you’ve seen enough slasher movies, you know that the men in these movies — no matter what is happening to them — hardly ever scream. When Jerry does so, it makes the movie feel real in a way that most film influenced by Texas Chainsaw do not.

Listen, Vermont … I’m sorry you can’t have a chainsaw massacre of your very own. But The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a part of our history and, despite the negative implications of the name, we do take a certain amount of pride in it. It is truly one of the great horror films. Ignore the remakes, which were made by non-Texans and are all so excessively stylized that you have to wonder if the filmmakers even saw the original.

One final note: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre also has one of the truly great trailers. Check it out below!

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* I should mention that I can usually trust someone around here to ask me if I really want to say something like “Fuck Vermont” before I hit publish. But that weekend, Arleigh was on vacation and this was before I had recruited my sister to come work here so there really wasn’t anyone else around the TSL offices who was used to dealing with me and my impulsive nature. I tried to show the post to Leonard to get his opinion about the F Vemont line but he was busy watching hockey…