Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

Posted on October 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. The show is once again on Tubi!

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Episode 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

Eh. I didn’t like this episode. Sorry, Mr. Roarke, no smiles today.

Robert Smith (Engelbert Humperdinck) wants to be a singing star but he suffers from stage fright. He’s created a smarmy alter ego who doesn’t have stage fright but he wants to be able to perform on his own, without having to retreat into a fantasy world. His alter ego responds by coming to life and sleeping with Robert’s wife (Elaine Joyce). Personally, if I was the writer of this episode, I would have just ended the story right there but it turns out that Robert’s alter ego only exists in his mind. His wife walks in on Robert yelling at himself and is overjoyed to discover that Robert has finally found the confidence to perform on stage.

Just typing all of that made my head hurt.

Meanwhile, Amy Marshall (Markie Post) is married to Christopher (Larry Wilcox) but their marriage is troubles because Amy has never told Christopher that she was raped just a few days before the wedding. She never reported the rape to the police and she’s never dealt with the trauma that she still carries with her. This is a very sensitive subject so, of course, Fantasy Island screws it up by suggesting that Amy is somehow to blame for all of the trouble in the marriage because she didn’t tell Christopher about what happened. Amy worries that Christopher will leave her if he finds out. Christopher does find out and he gets mad at her for not telling him and threatens to leave, not only proving Amy’s point but also suggesting, to me, that their marriage isn’t really worth saving. Amy deserves someone better than a guy whose response to hearing that his wife got raped is to get mad at her. Then Amy’s rapist (Michael Callan) shows up on the island and attacks her again. Amy fights back and is on the verge of stabbing the bastard to death when Mr. Roarke shows up and removes the knife from her hand and instead has the Fantasy Island police take the guy away. Christopher and Amy leave the Island, their marriage stronger than ever.

Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from throwing something at the television. First off, the story suggests that somehow Amy is to blame for not telling Christopher about what happened but Christopher’s reaction showed exactly why she didn’t tell him and it also showed that Amy’s best option would have been to get a divorce. Then the show suggests that the best way to give Amy her fantasy of finding freedom from her trauma was to have the rapist nearly rape her again! Mr. Roarke, at one point, states that Amy’s safety is his number one concern and that he has his entire police force looking for the rapist. But Roarke has already been established as having God-like powers so if Roarke wanted to find the guy before he attacked Amy, he certainly could have.

As well, what is the deal with all of these criminals and assorted lowlifes making it to the Island in the first place? Mr. Roarke often brags about running a background check on everyone who comes to the Island, which again suggests that no one comes to Fantasy Island unless Roarke wants them there. So, why are there so many terrible people on the Island?

This episode …. ugh.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.6 “The Groupies/The Audition/Doc’s Nephew”

Posted on July 9, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Doc starts to feel his age.

Episode 6.6 “The Groupies/The Audition/Doc’s Nephew”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 6th, 1982)

When it comes to The Love Boat, there’s one question that always has to be asked.

In this episode, Julie appears to be moderately coked up. She’s definitely not as coked up as she was in some of the earlier episodes of this season but there’s still that glint in her eye and the rapidness of his speech that leaves little doubt that there was probably some sniffing going on in the cruise director’s office. On the How Coked Up With Julie Scale, I would give this one a solid 7 out of 10.

Of course, Julie had some competition on this cruise. A pre-born again Willie Aames was on the cruise, playing Doc’s nephew Danny, and sporting the puffy eyes of someone who had been up all night on a date with the Devil’s Dandruff. Danny and Doc both develop a crush on the same woman and Linda (Michelle Phillips) decides that she would prefer to spend her romantic time with a teenage Danny than with Doc, who has a medical degree and probably a lot more money than Danny. This leads to Doc have yet another midlife crisis. Danny, meanwhile, falls hard for Linda but, at the end of the cruise, Linda explains that she’s not looking to get tied down with a relationship. She just wanted to bang someone who was ten years younger than her. Okay, that’s not quite what she said but that was the general idea. Doc learned that it was okay to be middle-aged and Danny was too high to learn much of anything.

Soap opera writer Paula Hastings (Susan Lucci!) boarded the cruise and was shocked to discover that one of the passengers was Barry Weldon (Tristan Rogers!), an actor who she turned down for a role on her soap. Barry romanced Paula and convinced her that he was falling in love with her and then announced it was all just an act to prove that he deserved the role on her show. Damn, Barry, that’s not nice at all! But then it turned out that Barry actually had fallen in love with her so they decided to get married. “Congratulations!” Julie said, her eyes shining with a manic edge.

Finally, a therapist (Richard Deacon) boarded the ship, just to discover that his patients (Jerry Van Dyke, Elaine Joyce, Morey Amsterdam, and Rose Marie) had all decided to take the cruise with him. Why, that’s enough stress to make the idea of a little flakey relief seem appealing! That said, the therapist and his patients were played by some old school sitcom mainstays and none of them seemed to be coked up. They were definitely a whiskey and cigarettes crowd.

This was a pleasant cruise. Bernie Kopell is always likable as Doc Bricker and I always enjoy his midlife crisis episodes. The therapist storyline was pretty hokey but, on the other hand, Susan Lucci and Tristan Rogers! That’s daytime drama royalty, babe! I enjoyed this episode.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat is back for a new year of reviews!

Episode 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

(Dir by Bruce Bilson, originally aired on December 5th, 1981)

This week, Doc Bricker’s brother boards the Love Boat and boy, does he turn out to be a jerk! Fred Bricker (Jack Bannon) is bitter because their father paid for Doc to go to medical school while Fred had to stay behind on the farm. Now, Fred is married to Nancy (Elaine Joyce) and worried about how he’s going to afford to send his own son to college. Convinced that Doc is rich, Fred thinks that Doc should pay for his nephew’s college tuition. Doc agrees. Fred still acts like an ungrateful jackass but, when he learns that Doc has actually taken out a loan to pay the tuition, Fred realizes that Doc may not be rich but he is a good man.

The weird thing about this storyline is that Fred didn’t have enough money to send his kid to college but apparently, he did have enough money to take an expensive cruise on a luxury liner. The other strange thing is that Fred didn’t know that Doc worked on the ship until he saw him in the lobby. Fred just happened to buy a ticket for the same ship that his brother worked on. Every episode of The Love Boat featured its share of implausible coincidences but this episode really pushes suspension of disbelief to its breaking point. On a positive note, this story did allow us to see another side of Doc. Bernie Kopell is always more believable when he gets to play Doc as being a nice guy as opposed to playing him as being an irredeemable lech.

Speaking of money, two old vaudevillians (played by Milton Berle and Martha Raye) haven’t had much of it ever since their style of performing went out of fashion. Berle and Raye stowaway on the ship and then attempt to freeload their way through the cruise by pretending to be another set of passengers, Zeke and Zelda Van Buren (played by Herb Edelman and Elinor Donahue). The captain is not amused when he finds out that someone is breaking the law on his boat but then Milton and Martha sing a duet of For Me And My Gal and all is forgiven. The Captain arranges for them to get a job as entertainers on another ship. I’ve noticed that the Captain never really seems to punish any of the many stowaways who have taken a trip on The Love Boat. And you know what? Good for him! There’s a place for mercy in this cold world of ours.

Finally, romance novelist Michael Scott (Daryl Anderson) has a one night stand with teacher Emily Parker (Susan Richardson). Michael — and yes, it’s impossible not to think of The Office whenever anyone mentions the character’s name — is stunned when Emily gets emotional after their night together. “You’re acting like you’ve never done this before….” Michael says and, of course, it turns out that she hasn’t. This was a pretty bleh storyline but it did lead to a funny scene where Michael attempts to have a conversation with Emily while two old ladies eavesdrop and freak out every time they hear the word “virgin.”

I enjoyed this cruise, mostly because it gave Bernie Kopell a chance to actually do some real acting for once. I always like it when Doc turns out to be a nice guy. Milton Berle and Martha Raye are, to put it lightly, an acquired taste but both of them give good performances in this episode and even manage to pull off their duet without making it too cringey. As for the third storyline, it was defeated by the lack of chemistry between Daryl Anderson and Susan Richardson. Still, two out of three is not bad.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.6 “Trick or Treat”

Posted on June 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

It’s a Halloween episode!

Episode 2.6 “Trick or Treat”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on October 21st, 1978)

It’s Halloween in Los Angeles! That means that people will be asking for treats and playing tricks and getting into all sorts of trouble. But, for the California Highway Patrol, it’s just another day and night of trying to keep everyone safe.

Ponch’s day gets off to a bad start when he and Baker chase a van onto a movie lot. The van’s driver, it turns out, was speeding because he was transporting thirteen black cats to a film set. When Ponch and Baker finally pull over the van, the cats get loose and all 13 of them march past Ponch. Later, at headquarters, Ponch is forced by a narrow hallway to walk under a ladder. *GASP* Ponch insists that he’s not superstitious but he also won’t stop talking about his encounter with the black cats.

Ponch is in for some bad luck and it shows up in the form of an 8 year-old named Tommy who squirts Ponch with perfume while Ponch is patrolling the neighborhood. Ponch tells Tommy that playing tricks like that could lead to him getting arrested and hauled off to jail. Tommy panics and runs away from home. Guess who gets the blame for that?

That’s not all that’s going on this Halloween night. (Since this episode aired in 1978, it’s also the night that He came home.) Eddie (Bobby Van) and his girlfriend, Susan (Elaine Joyce), are holding up convenience stores. (Susan distracts the cashiers by wearing a translucent ghost costume.) An older woman (Fran Ryan) is stealing bags of candy from young trick-or-treaters. Paula (Barbara Leigh) and Karen (Jenny Sherman) are stealing speed limit signs as part of a superfun scavenger hunt. And Sgt. Getraer is determined to figure out the identity of the Hobgoblin, a member of the highway patrol who reads macabre poetry over the police radio throughout the night.

Fear not, though …. everything works out in the end. Tommy is not only found hiding out in an abandoned house but Ponch is the one who finds and rescues him. Eddie and Susan get chased and arrested after trying to pull one robbery too many. (Their van crashes as a result of two teenagers throwing eggs on the windshield. Some tricks are good, apparently.) The old woman turns out to be a distraught suburbanite who lost her engagement ring and who thinks that she may have tossed it in some kid’s trick-or-treat bag. (Fortunately, the ring is found in her candy bowl and no one presses charges.) Paula and Karen lose the scavenger hunt but they win future dates with Ponch and Baker. And Getraer figures out that Artie Grossman is the Hobgoblin. In the end, everyone smiles and laugh and that’s the important thing.

For a Halloween episode, Trick or Treat was rather low-key but that’s okay. I liked the day-in-the-life approach that the episode took and it was fun to see that even the members of the fearsome highway patrol were capable of enjoying the holiday. We should have as good a Halloween as Ponch and Baker.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”

Posted on January 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 4.7 “The Invisible Woman/The Snowbird”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 6th, 1980)

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island is all about entertainers.

For instance, Ned Pringle (Douglas Barr) is not an entertainer but he wishes that he could be. Instead, the handsome and athletic Ned is a popcorn salesman who works for a traveling circus. He has a crush on a trapeze artist named Velda Ferrini (Pamela Sue Martin) but he feels that he won’t ever be able to talk her unless he too can become a trapeze-artist.

Mr. Roarke grants him his fantasy. He hands Ned a magic pouch and has him climb up a magic ladder. When Ned reaches the platform at the top, he suddenly discovers that he is now standing high above the ground. Below him, the entire circus is waiting for him to audition. Fortunately, as long as Ned has the pouch, there is nothing he can’t do. He’s the world’s greatest acrobat and he is, of course, hired by the circus’s owner, Mr. Ferrini (Don Ameche). Ferrini is the father of Velda and when he hires Ned, he does so under the condition that Ned not try to date his daughter. Good luck with that, Ferrini!

Meanwhile, Velda’s older brother, Mario Ferrini (George Maharis), takes an interest in Ned’s career and he even starts to pressure Ned to attempt the same super dangerous quadruple summersault that led to Mario injuring his leg and having to drop out of the act. Ned, however, realizes that Mario needs to do the summersault himself so that he can get back his confidence. After a conversation with Mr. Roarke (who shows up swinging on the trapeze and wearing a white bodysuit!), Ned allows Mario to have the pouch. Mario finally pulls off the quadruple summersault and he returns to the act. Meanwhile, Ned realizes that he doesn’t have to be an acrobat to be worthy of Velda’s love and he instead becomes the circus’s new manager.

And good for all of them! Ameche, Martin, Maharis, and Barr were all extremely likable in this story, though you do have to wonder what Maharis is going to do if he ever loses the magic pouch. That said, the true stars of the story were the stunt crew. It was pretty easy to spot everyone’s stunt double, which added to the fun of the story. Ricardo Montalban’s stunt double, for instance, appeared to be about 20 years younger than him and blonde.

The episode’s other story deals with a veteran entertainer named Denny Palumbo (Dick Gautier). Denny became a star doing a corny song-and-dance act with his wife, Trish (Neile Adams). However, Denny and Trish got a divorce and their act broke up. Denny is now engaged to Harriet (Elaine Joyce) and he is putting together a new act with two new dancers. Trish’s fantasy is to become invisible so that she can make sure that Denny isn’t cheating on her.

“Boss!” Tattoo says, “Can you do that!?”

“It remains to be seen,” Roarke replies.

(Oh hey, I just got that!)

Just as Roarke gave Ned a magic pouch, he gives Harriet a magic potion that grants temporary invisibility. When Harriet turns invisible, her clothes can still be seen and appear to be floating in mid-air. This leads to her (in her invisible state) undressing in front of Tattoo and Roarke. Tattoo’s eyes get especially wide as everything from Harriet’s dress to her underwear hits the floor. In fact, Tattoo gets so distracted that Roarke snaps, “Tattoo!”

(Later, Tattoo deduces that Roarke can still see Harriet, even after she’s taken the potion and removed her clothes. “Boss!” Tattoo gaps. I’m a bit shocked, myself. Mr. Roarke has always been such a gentleman in the past that I find it hard to believe that he would not have stepped out of the room or, at the very least, turned his back while Harriet undressed.)

Being invisible allows Harriet to spy on Denny. It turns out that Denny is not cheating on her but invisible Harriet still deliberately ruins his rehearsal and causes the new dancers to quit. Needing a partner, Denny turns to Trish, which upsets Harriet even though Harriet was the one who was secretly responsible for inspiring the other two dancers to quit in the first place. Eventually, Harriet realizes that Denny and Trish are meant to be together but that’s okay because she also realizes that she’s meant to be with Denny’s manager, Monty (Sonny Bono, who apparently spent the early 80s living off whatever money he made from appearing on shows like The Love Boat and Fantasy Island).

This story suffered from the fact that all of Harriet’s problems could have been solved by Harriet not acting like an idiot. As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, I am not a fan of the idiot plot. Sonny Bono was likable as Monty but Denny and Harriet were so broadly drawn and performed that I mostly just wanted to Monty to totally get away from both of them.

This week’s trip to Fantasy Island was just silly.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.16 “Gopher’s Opportunity / The Switch / Home Sweet Home”

Posted on May 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, The Love Boat sets sail for a thoroughly pleasant cruise. Come on board, they’re expecting you!

Episode 2.16 “Gopher’s Opportunity / The Switch / Home Sweet Home”

(Directed by Roger Duchowny and Allen Baron, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

I’ve been watching these old episodes of The Love Boat for a while now and I have to say that I’m still not totally sure what it is that Gopher actually does on the ship. Merrill Stubing is the captain and is responsible for the safety of all of the passengers. Julie McCoy is the cruise director and is responsible for making sure everyone is entertained. Adam Bricker is the doctor and is probably responsible for the cruise line getting sued by every patient that he hits on. Isaac Washington is the bartender and is responsible for getting everyone so drunk that they’ll go back to their cabin with the first person who asks. But what does Gopher do?

I know that Gopher is the purser but the show has never really made clear what that means. I know I could look it up on Wikipedia but that’s not really the point. The point is that, while Fred Grandy was certainly likable in the role, the show often seemed to be unsure of what to do with Gopher. His cabin was decorated with posters of old movies but Gopher rarely spoke of being a fan. Instead, while the other crew members fell in love with passengers and got involved in each other’s lives, Gopher was often left as a mere observer.

This episode is unique because it actually allows Gopher to do something. When his old friends, Melody (Elayne Joyce) and Phil (Bobby Van), board the ship, they tell Gopher that they need a manager for their hotel and that they’re offering him the job. Normally, Gopher would never think of leaving his friends on the Pacific Princess but this episode finds him getting on Stubing’s nerves by leaving too many suggestions in the suggestion box. (One suggestion, which Stubing finds to be particularly egregious, is that the boat should have a designated “no smoking” area, which today just sounds like common sense, Can you even smoke on a cruise ship anymore?) Gopher, feeling underappreciated by the Captain, takes the hotel job. But, after he realizes that there’s an attraction between him and Melody, Gopher decides to stay on the boat and instead, he encourages Phil to give the position to Melody. It’s a pretty simple story but it does allow Fred Grandy to do something more than just make wisecracks in the corner. To be honest, the main theme of this story seemed to be that Captain Stubing is an insensitive jerk who doesn’t really appreciate his crew until they threaten to quit.

While Gopher is trying to decide whether to pursue a new career, magician Al Breyer (Ron Palillo, co-star of the latest addition to Retro Television Reviews, Welcome Back, Kotter) comes to the ship as a last-minute replacement for his older brother, Ken (Michael Gregory). Ken’s assistant, Maggie (Melinda Naud), is already on the boat and she’s disappointed when Al shows up instead of Ken. It turns out that Maggie was more than just Ken’s assistant. At first, she refuses to work with Al but she comes around when she discovers that Al is sensitive and nice and basically the opposite of Ken. When Ken does finally show up on the ship, he’s such a sleazeball that you have to kind of wonder what Maggie ever saw in him to begin with. Al responds to Ken’s arrival by locking him in a closet and then he and Maggie leave the boat, arm-in-arm. Hopefully, someone found Ken before he suffocated because, otherwise, Al’s magic career might come to an abrupt end.

Meanwhile, Hetty Waterhouse (Nancy Walker) decides that she’s going to live on the ship. She can do this because she’s a wealthy widow. She books her cabin for the next five years. Oddly, even though the audience has never seen or heard about her before, everyone else on the crew seems to know her and treats her like an old friend. That always bothers me a little, when we’re told that a previously unknown character is apparently everyone’s best friend. Anyway, the main reason that Hetty wants to live on the boat is because she’s in love with Charlie (Abe Vigoda), a cabin steward who has apparently been on the boat for years but who, again, the audience has never seen or hear about before. Charlie is retiring but he wants to get an apartment on dry land. He’s tired of the sea. Hetty gives up her cabin so that she can move into Charlie’s apartment. Awwwww!

This was actually a pretty sweet episode. Gopher finally felt appreciated by the captain. Al and Maggie realized that they were both better than Ken. Hetty and ~~Tessio~~ Charlie found late-in-life happiness together. This was a perfectly charming cruise!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 1.22 “A Selfless Love / The Nubile Nurse / Parents Know Best”

Posted on January 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

All aboard!

Episode 1.22 “A Selfless Love / The Nubile Nurse / Parents Know Best”

(Dir by Roger Duchovny, originally aired on February 25th, 1978)

The week’s cruise begins with the walking HR nightmare known as Dr. Adam Bricker announcing that he’s hired a new nurse and she’s a former Las Vegas showgirl! Gopher and Isaac are excited to learn this but no one is more excited than Doc, who quickly makes it clear that he’s hoping that she’ll be more than just his nurse.

However, it turns out that Dawn Delaney (Elaine Joyce) not only takes nursing very seriously but she would also rather do her job than make out with her boss. Needless to say, this upsets the doctor. It also turns out that she knows about all of the latest medical developments. This also upsets Doc Bricker because it leads to him getting upstaged. The final straw is when Dawn manages to cure Captain Stubing’s hiccups. Bricker gets upset but then Dawn explains that she actually wants to be a doctor but, because she’s a former showgirl, no medical school is willing to accept her. Bricker promises to use his contacts to got her admitted and then they share a long passionate kiss. And that’s the end of that story.

As I watched Doc react to his nurse, it occurred to me that this show was very lucky that Bernie Kopell agreed to play the role because Doc, to be honest, is a terrible doctor who violates his Hippocratic oath on every cruise. In the real world, Doc Bricker would be unemployable. On The Love Boat, everyone loves him and the reason that we believe he would be so popular is because Bernie Kopell was so naturally likable that it made it easy to overlook all of the character’s shady behavior.

While Doc hit on his new nurse, two parents (Monty Hall and Janis Page) tried to hook their dorky son (Mark Shera) up with a girl (Laurie Prange) on the cruise. What the parents didn’t know is that the girl was actually their son’s girlfriend and the entire cruise was an elaborate ruse to get them to finally meet. Seriously, that was the entire story. It was a bit forgettable.

Finally, Harry Morrison (Leslie Nielsen) is an old friend of Captain Stubing’s. He’s going to Mexico with his much younger girlfriend, Laura (Lynda Day George) and they plan to get married. However, Harry starts to worry that Laura is too young for him and Laura starts to worry that Harry would rather hang out with people his own age. She makes a reference to Donnie and Marie Osmond and Harry admits to not knowing who they are. Agck! Fear not, though. After talking about it, Harry and Laura decide to get married anyways. It was a predictable story but how can you not like watching the future stars of The Naked Gun and Pieces acting opposite each other?

It was a bit of an odd episode. The Doc/Nurse storyline was cringey. The son and his parents storyline were forgettable. But I liked Leslie Nielsen and Lynda Day George’s story. They saved the cruise!

Next week, we’ll continue to set sail for adventure with three new stories!

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #25: West Side Story (dir by Robert Wise and Jerome Robbins)

Posted on April 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Nearly two weeks ago, I started on something that I call Embracing the Melodrama, Part II. For the next month or so, I will be reviewing, in chronological order, 126 examples of cinematic melodrama. I started things off by reviewing the 1927 classic Sunrise and now, 24 reviews later, we’re ready to start in on one of my favorite decades, the 1960s!

And what better way to start the 60s than be taking a look at the 1961 best picture winner, West Side Story?

Being a lifelong dancer, I have to admit that I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen West Side Story. If you love to dance, this is one of those films that you simply have to see. Of the various musicals that have won best picture, West Side Story is arguably the best. Based on a hit Broadway show (which was itself rather famously based on William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet), West Side Story was co-directed by the great choreographer Jerome Robbins and it features some of the greatest dance numbers ever filmed. If you don’t get excited while watching the Sharks and the Shark Girls arguing about America, then there’s really no hope for you. Tonight Quintet, Somewhere, A Boy Like That, Maria … even Gee, Officer Krupke, has there ever been another musical score that just leaves you wanting to sing as much as West Side Story does?

(I mean, I’ll be the first admit that I absolutely love the theme song from Santa Claus Conquers The Martians but it can’t even compare to West Side Story!)

What’s funny is that, in between viewings of the film, I always seem to forget just how good West Side Story actually is. (Fortunately, this also means that I’m pleasantly surprised every time I watch the movie.) In theory, this is an easy film to joke about. It tells the story of street gangs who are apparently just as good at dancing as they are at fighting. The all-white Jets snap their fingers and tell us that when you’re a jet, you’re the best. The Puerto Rican Sharks are moving in on the Jets’s territory. The two leaders of the gangs — Riff (Russ Tamblyn) and Bernardo (George Chakiris) — want to settle thing with a “rumble.” And it’s easy for contemporary audiences to laugh because “rumble” is such an old-fashioned way of saying things that it’s now one of those terms that’s only used when one is trying to be ironic or snarky.

(For instance, I was with some friends at the movies and the people sitting behind us kept talking. One of my friends told them to shut up. One of the loud people replied that we were the ones who need to shut up. As the insults escalated, I finally said, “Y’all — do we really have to have a rumble right now?” Unfortunately, everyone was too busy arguing to appreciate my pitch perfect delivery.)

Riff’s best friend is Tony (Richard Beymer). Tony was a co-founder of the Jets but now, he wants to move on from the gang. He meets a girl named Maria (Natalie Wood) and the two of them fall in love. However, Maria is Bernardo’s younger sister. Her best friend, Anita (Rita Moreno), is Bernardo’s girlfriend. Loving Tony, in other words, is prohibido.

And, since West Side Story is based on Romeo and Juliet, you can probably guess to what type of tragedy all of this leads.

Now, before I heap too much praise of West Side Story, I do need to admit that, in the role of Tony, Richard Beymer does not exactly radiate charisma. He’s handsome enough but you never quite buy that he was former member of the Jets. Since Tony’s singing voice was dubbed by Jimmy Bryant, you do believe everything that he sings. But otherwise, Richard Beymer comes across as being stiff and rather awkward.

And it doesn’t help, of course, that he’s acting opposite Russ Tamblyn who, in the role of Riff, is a whirlwind of unstoppable energy. Tamblyn is the one who you remember at the end of the film, followed by George Chakiris. Compared to those two, Richard Beymer’s performance is just dull.

Fortunately, there’s Maria (played by Natalie Wood with Marni Nixon doing the singing). Natalie Wood is one of my favorite of the classic Hollywood actresses. She’s certainly one of the actresses with whom I most idenitfy. With Richard Beymer sleepwalking through the role of Tony, it falls on Natalie to provide some true emotion to the film’s love story and that’s exactly what she does. Every time I see West Side Story, I want to be Natalie Wood and I want to have a best friend like Rita Moreno and I want to meet someone like Riff…

Sorry, Tony.

West Side Story is one of the best musicals ever made. If you’re not dancing and then crying and then dancing while crying as you watch West Side Story, then you’re doing it wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yA_aFprGzyc