Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.16 “Karate”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch reveals even more hidden talents!

Episode 4.16 “Karate”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on March 8th, 1981)

Ponch and Baker have been assigned to patrol Ponch’s old neighborhood.  Ponch says that he feels as if he can see a ghost on every corner.  Baker laughs and says that at least they have an easy assignment.

Not so fast, Baker!

Andy Macedon (Lewis Van Bergen) is paying teenagers to steal dirt bikes for him.  Macedon went to school with Ponch.  Macedon was a few years ahead of him and he was always a bully.  Now, Macedon is setting up a crime ring.  He’s even got Donny Bonaduce working for him!

Ponch’s solution?  Ponch decides to encourage the neighborhood kids to come to the local youth center by having Bonnie teach gymnastics while Ponch teaches karate.  Are you surprised to discover that, on top of everything else, Ponch knows karate?  You shouldn’t be.  You’re watching….

Admittedly, it doesn’t start off well.  When Andy Macedon comes down to the Youth Center and personally challenges Ponch to a fight, Ponch backs off.  He does it because he doesn’t want to make trouble for the Youth Center but the kids view him as being a coward.  If Ponch is ever going to stop Andy Macedon and keep young Rivas (Mario Marcelino) from falling under Macedon’s evil spell, he’s going to have to beat Andy in a karate street fight with everyone watching.

And that’s exactly what Ponch does.  Why?  Because it’s the Ponch Show and there is nothing that Ponch cannot do!

This episode featured a combination of bass-heavy music and not just Erik Estrada but also Danny Bonaduce doing karate moves so you know it was a classic.  I related to Terri (Kari Michealson), the teenager who couldn’t decide if she wanted to be a gymnast or a criminal.  I went through the same thing when I was 16.  Ballet or crime?  Crime or ballet?  I compromised by shoplifting makeup after my dance classes.

There is nothing Ponch can’t do.  Never forget.

 

Commando (1985, directed by Mark L. Lester)


John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a former colonel in the U.S. Amy Special Forces.  He was one of the best at what he did but he’s now retired from all that and lives in the mountains of California with his young daughter, Jenny (Alyssa Milano).  When Capt Bennett (Vernon Wells), Martix’s former comrade-in-arms, kidnaps Jenny, Matrix is told that he has 11 hours to assassinate the leader of the country of Val Verde so that General Arius (Dan Hedaya) can launch a coup.  Knowing that the bad guys are planning on killing both him and Jenny no matter what he does, Matrix instead takes out Arius’s men as he makes his way to where Jenny is being held captive.

Commando is one of my favorite Schwarzenegger films.  It has some of the best one-liners (“I like you, Sully, I kill you last,”), some of the best character actors (Sully is played by David Patrick Kelly), and also one of Schwarzenegger’s best performances.  In Commando, Schwarzenegger shows that he’s willing to poke fun at himself, which was something that set him apart from many of the action heroes of the 80s.  (Stallone eventually learned how to poke fun at himself but it took a very long time.)  At his California home, Matrix chops down and carries a tree without breaking a sweat.  During a chase through a mall, Matrix easily lifts up a phone booth.  Matrix may be trying to save the life of his daughter but he still takes the time to come up with one-liners and fall in love with flight attendant Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong).  Commando is essentially just a big comic book brought to life and Schwarzenegger understands that and gives a very knowing, self-aware performance.  Director Mark Lester wastes no time getting to the action and the result is one of the most entertaining action films of the 80s.

Believe it or not, Commando was originally envisioned as being a Gene Simmons picture.  When the KISS frontman turned down the film, the script was rewritten for Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Schwarzenegger made this film after The Terminator and it was another box office success.  As for Gene Simmons, he would have to wait for Runaway to make his action debut.

The Secret of My Success (1987, directed by Herbert Ross)


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Brantley Foster (Michael J. Fox) heads to New York City with his business degree from the University of Kansas and the promise of an entry-level job as a financier.  He arrives to discover that the company that hired him no longer exists and that Brantley is out of a job.  New York is a harsh town for someone who is down on his luck and all of out of money.  Brantley eventually gets a job working in the mail room of a company owned by his wealthy uncle (Richard Jordan).  His uncle doesn’t even know who he is but soon, Brantley becomes just as rich and successful as he always dreamed.

What’s the secret of Brantley’s success?

Screwing his Aunt Vera (played by Margaret Whitton).

What’s the other other secret of his success?

Pretending to be named Carlton Whitfield and claiming that he’s a new executive at the corporation.

I remember when Kramer did the same thing on Seinfeld.  It didn’t work out for Kramer.  He got fired after turning in his first report.

“This is gibberish,” his boss said, “It’s almost as if you have no business training at all.  I’m afraid we have to let you go.”

“I don’t actually work here,” Kramer replied.

“That’s what makes this so hard.”

Seinfeld, never topped.

Back to The Secret of My Success, this is the most 80s film ever made, complete with montages of Brantley exploring New York and a saxophone playing on the soundtrack.  Brantley’s all about TCB, taking care of business.  He screws his aunt but falls in love with Christy Wills (Helen Slater).  Brantley doesn’t learn anything but he gets the best office and becomes a success without actually doing any real work.  It’s the ultimate fantasy and, like many fantasies, The Secret of My Success is superficially appealing.  Michael J. Fox is likable as Brantley.  Margaret Whitton is outrageously sexy as Vera.  Helen Slater is pretty and boring, traits that made her the ideal “good” girlfriend for Brantley’s story.

The Secret of My Success is your ticket to the 80s.

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Night School (dir by Ken Hughes)


Someone is decapitating women in Boston and police Lt. Judd Austin (Leonard Mann) is determined to discover where the killer’s head is at!

The victims seem to come from all walks of life.  A teacher’s aide loses her head while spinning around on a carousel. A worker at the local aquarium has her head tossed into a fish tank where it’s promptly nibbled at by a turtle.  (Interestingly enough, the sharks ignore it.)  Another head shows up in a kitchen and then another one in a toilet and then another one in a pond and …. well, you get the idea.  There’s a lot of heads rolling around.  The only thing that all of the victims have in common is Wendell College.  Some were merely killed near the college.  Others were enrolled in night classes.

Because the murderer wears a motorcycle helmet and a full black leather bodysuit, we’re not sure who the killer is.  However, Lt. Austin promptly comes to the conclusion that the murderer is probably anthropology professor Vincent Millett (Drew Snyder), an unlikely lothario who is notorious for sleeping with his students and who has a collection of skulls in his apartment.  Austin’s attitude is that no normal person would teach anthropology and since it also stands to reason that no normal person would run around Boston chopping off people’s heads, Millett must be the murderer.  Millett doesn’t help himself by continually coming across as being a bit of an arrogant prick.

But is Millett the murderer?  There are other suspects!

For instance, there’s Millett’s teaching assistant (and lover) Eleanor Adjai (Rachel Ward), on whom Millett performs some sort of odd blood ritual while the two of them are taking a shower together, the better so that director Ken Hughes can toss in a playful homage to Psycho.

And then there’s Gary (Bill McCann), the obviously disturbed busboy at the local diner who tries to follow Eleanor home one night.

And let’s not forget the dean of students, Helene (Annette Miller), who is portrayed as being a predatory lesbian because this movie was made in 1981.

And then there’s….

Well, actually, that’s it.  One of the problems with Night School is there there really aren’t enough suspects.  For a film like this to really work, you need a lot more red herrings.  Savvy filmgoers already know that the most likely suspect isn’t going to be guilty because they never are.  Unfortunately, that wipes out 50% of Night School‘s suspects and only leaves two others, one of whom is soon murdered.  It all leads up to a surprise ending that’s not much of a surprise.

Night School is usually described as being a part of the slasher boom of the early 80s.  While it’s true that Night School probably would never have been made if not for the financial success of Halloween and Friday the 13th, the film itself, with its whodunit plot and it’s gloved and masked killer, is more an American giallo than a traditional slasher film.  That said, Night School never reaches the over-the-top, operatic heights of an Italian giallo.  Instead, it’s a rather subdued version of the genre, happy to efficiently do it’s job without getting too caught up in issues of guilt, sin, and absolution.  At the same time, some of the murders are cleverly staged and Rachel Ward brings some class to a film that could obviously use it.  Night School gets the job done, even if it’s ultimately not that memorable.