Bar Rescue – Page 3 – Through the Shattered Lens

Yes, I did watch some television this week. However, I didn’t actually take any notes about the shows that I watched so this edition of Lisa’s Week in Television might be lacking a little in detail. Sorry about that! To be honest, I spent most of this week adjusting to the arrival of summer temperatures and I ended up devoting most of my attention to the air conditioning.

Still, here’s a few thoughts about what I can remember about what I watched this week:

Allo Allo (Sunday Night, PBS)

It was a bit of a silly episode this week. (I know, I know, they’re all silly.) Rene had to fly a kite in order to make the new radio work. (Don’t ask.) Mimi, the new waitress, was disguised as a nun and she ended up getting twisted in the kite so she ended up as a flying nun. It made no sense but, perhaps for that reason, it made me laugh.

The Bachelorette (Monday on ABC)

This week, Katie was stunned to discover that one of the bachelors might not have been there for the right reasons! She sent Cody home because he was apparently only there to increase his profile. Usually, it takes a few more episodes for The Bachelorette to reach the “He’s not here for the right reasons” stage. The fact that this season got to it during the second episode worries me a little because this is a franchise that is always at its worse whenever it gets self-righteous.

(I always remember the episode of Burning Love, where the bachelors had to make sock puppets. Adam Scott said, “This is so stupid.” Cut to Joe Lo Truglio: “And I was like — hey man, I’m here for my son. Take this seriously!”)

In other news, Mike read a really awkward letter to his “future wife,” explaining why he waited until marriage to have sex. Like I said, it was hella cringey but it pretty much guarantees that Mike will be the next Bachelor.

Bar Rescue (Sunday Night, Paramount)

It’s been a while since I watched this show. Watching it on Sunday night, I discovered that John Taffer still apparently believes that not knowing how to run a bar is the worst crime known to man. “YOU’RE OVERPOURING! THAT’S MONEY DOWN THE DRAIN!” Relax, John. It’s just a bar.

Baywatch (Weekday evenings, H&I)

H&I has started in on the NINTH season of Baywatch and I have to say that I’m getting the feeling that, by the time this season rolled around, Baywatch was just repeating itself and going through the motions. Every episode that I watched this week featured a storyline that had been done in a previous episode. So, I guess if you’re wondering how many lifeguard stories there are, the answer is 8 seasons worth.

Let’s see how much I can remember about what I saw this week:

On the first of Sunday’s episodes, the Baywatch lifeguards had some competition from a private security company called — I kid you not — Bayguard! Mitch and Cody had to prove that Baywatch was just as good as Bayguard, which they managed to do by rescuing a boy in a storm drain. Mitch and Cody spent a lot of time rescuing people from storm drains. The second episode was a sweet story about a little boy named Timmy who really liked dolphins. Timmy also got trapped in a cave so Mitch and the lifeguards had to save him. It was typical Baywatch stuff but David Hasselhoff always did his best work with the unabashedly sentimental storylines.

On Monday, a mysterious figure was roaming the beach and saving people from drowning! Could it have been the klutzy new maintenance worker played Brooke Burns? Since Burns was already featured in the opening credits wearing a Baywatch uniform, that was a pretty easy question to answer. This was followed by an episode where April felt guilty about a swimmer dying, which was pretty much a remake of an earlier episode in which Caroline felt guilty about a swimmer dying.

On Tuesday, Hobie made his first appearance of the season. Despite being Mitch’s son, Hobie had been missing in action for the previous few episodes. (In real life, actor Jonathan Jackson was dealing with an addiction to cocaine that basically led to him being fired from the show.) Hobie was arrested after a boat he was driving crashed. However, it turned out that Hobie was not at fault! Knowing that this episode was kind of meant to be a wake-up call to Jackson about his own behavior made the whole thing awkward to watch. This was followed by an episode in which one of the lifeguards was selected for Jeopardy. Unfortunately, she was later disqualified when it was discovered that she knew someone who worked on the show but Alex Trebek still made an appearance and was his usual charming self.

On Wednesday, the first episode featured Mitch having a mid-life crisis, which he previously had two seasons ago. This was followed by an episode were Mitch befriend an orangutan. Strangely, Mitch didn’t mention that — during season two — he befriended a chimpanzee.

On Thursday, Cody started using performance-enhancing drugs to increase his chances of going to the Olympics, much as several other characters have done on previous episodes of Baywatch. This was followed by a skydiving episode which was basically a remake of the skydiving episode from season six. Of course, the previous episode turned out to be a dream whereas this episode was real. MITCH CAN SEE THE FUTURE!

On Friday, Mitch adopted a new son named Tanner. (Hobie, we were told, was now living with his mother.) This was followed by an episode where April and Craig finally broke up, which seemed appropriate since April was like 19 and Craig was nearly 60. Craig apparently is a hotshot defense attorney but he was nowhere to be seen in the episode where Hobie was in jail. Craig is a bad friend.

On Saturday, Peter Barton co-starred as a race car driver who was officially sponsored by …. wait for it …. AOL! As a result, the entire episode featured people talking about how much they loved AOL. Mitch’s adopted son even checked his AOL account and got the “You have mail” prompt. “Hey, pal,” Mitch said, “you got mail!”

When future historians research the 90s, they’ll just watch episodes of Baywatch.

Court Cam (Wednesdays, A&E)

Don’t talk back to the judge or Dan Abrams will put you on TV and make fun of you.

Hell’s Kitchen (Monday Night, FOX)

There was a lot of raw chicken being sent up to the pass this week. The blue team lost again. This seems to be the way that it goes every season, though. The men start out losing, the women get overconfident, and eventually both teams kind of crash and burn.

Intervention (Monday Night, A&E)

The intervention didn’t work this week. Kelsey went to rehab but relapsed. It was sad for I’ll give Intervention some credit for admitting that these things don’t always have a happy ending.

Moone Boy (Sunday Night, PBS)

Martin graduated from national school and attempted to make sure that his name would be remembered by future classes! I remember, in high school, I was convinced the future students would never forget my graduating class. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I thought that. It’s not like Saved By The Bell, where the members of the New Class where still talking about the time Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills. Time marches on.

The Office (Saturday Afternoon, Comedy Central)

Amy Adams just wanted to sell purses. Michael bought her a $10,000 espresso machine. CRINGE! Still, hilarious though.

Open All Hours (Sunday Night, PBS)

It was a typical episode of Open All Hours. Arkwright abused Granville while Granville silently plotted his revenge.

The Powers of Matthew Star (Sunday Mornings, MeTV)

I was dealing with insomnia on Sunday so I did watch an episode of this old sci-fi series on MeTV. (I used to set the DVR for it but, up until this week, I had kind of lost interest in it.) Peter Barton — yes, the same Peter Barton who appeared on Baywatch this week — played an alien who was pretending to be a normal high school student. In this week’s episode, Matthew Star traveled to the Bermuda Triangle and got a tragic message from his homeworld. It was pretty silly but, as the title character, Peter Barton was sincere enough to nearly sell it.

Saved By The Bell (Sunday Morning, MeTV)

Screech got struck by lightning and suddenly had the power to see the future. Zack tried to use Screech’s powers to cheat on the History midterm. Unfortunately, Screech lost his powers and Zack got an “F minus …. for scamming!”

South Park (Wednesday Night, Comedy Central)

“Free Hat! Free Hat!” Actually, I don’t remember which episode it was that I watched but the Free Hat episode is always a good a default to go with.

Upstart Crow (Sunday Night, PBS)

Incredibly proud of his new play, Will Shakespeare is stunned to discover that the few women in his life are not as enamored of The Taming of the Shrew as he is. Will simply cannot figure it out! This was a funny episode, mostly because it was true.

As I write this, I’m watching Bar Rescue on the Paramount Network and I’m trying to figure out why it is that I like this annoying show.

Bar Rescue, of course, is one of those shows where a jackass goes into a failing business — in this case, a bar — and basically screams at everyone for an hour until the bar starts making money. It stars Jon Taffer, who has all of the charm of a low-level gangster who desperately needs to make his quota for the week or else the capo is going to break his thumbs. The main them of each episode is that Taffer takes “bar science” very seriously and apparently cannot fathom a world where anyone tries to do anything different or quirky with their business.

If you search the internet, you’ll find all sorts of stories about the bars that Taffer “saved.” A good deal of them went out of business after Taffer gave them their makeover. Several of them immediately went back to the way they were running things pre-Bar Rescue. Some of those bars have survived and some of them have not. Taffer always makes a big deal about renaming almost every bar that he saves. It’s rare that anyone sticks with Taffer’s new name.

I have to admit that I rarely drink so I’ve never really cared that much about bars. In fact, it’s kind of hard for me to imagine anyone caring about the decor of the place where they’re getting drunk. That may be one reason why I always find it oddly compelling to listen to Taffer rant and rave, as if designing the perfect bar is somehow the same thing as restoring the Sistine Chapel. Whenever Taffer brings in his bar experts, I find myself smirking a little bit because Taffer’s experts are usually just people who are obviously angling for a show of their own. The “experts” tend to be so condescending that I actually look forward to people talking back to them.

Speaking of people talking back, another reason that I watch Bar Rescue is because there’s always a chance that someone might throw a punch at Jon Taffer. Seriously, he’s just obnoxious! It’s interesting to compare him to someone like Gordon Ramsay, who is just as loud and overbearing but who also somehow remains likable through the whole ordeal. Taffer just comes across as being a bully.

(What’s funny is that, while I was researching the bars that the show previous rescued, I came across several comments from people who worked at those bars. Most of them said that Taffer was actually very polite and rather affable off-camera. He plays a bully for the ratings and …. well, Hell, I’m watching so I guess it’s working.)

Watching the show in the age of Coronavirus, Bar Rescue almost feels like an artifact from a different age. Today, I watch it and I notice the huge crowds of people, all pressed up against each other in the bar. I notice all of the hand-shaking. (Taffer almost always shakes the bar owner’s hand at the end of each episode.) Just the fact that the show features a different bar every week makes Bar Rescue feel like something you might find in a time capsule.

Like I said, I don’t usually drink. But, as soon as all this is over, I’m going out and getting so drunk. (Well, buzzed. Actually, I’ll probably just go out and have a glass of water while everyone else gets drunk. But still, I’m going out, dammit!) Until then, I guess I can just watch Bar Rescue….