Category Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.3 “A Big Girl Now”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Lucy learns that she has the worst friends in the world.

Episode 3.3 “A Big Girl Now”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on December 5th, 1988)

Lucy is totally in love with Paul, her older boyfriend from the high school.  At first, all of her friends are excited for her but then Lucy stops spending time with them and they start to get jealous.  When Lucy misses L.D.’s big soccer game because she already has plans with Paul, Lucy promises to make it up to L.D. and everyone else by letting them have a party at her house.

But then Paul and his high school friends discover that Lucy’s parents are out of town and they decide that they should throw a party of their own.  And when they announce that they don’t want any “niners” other than Lucy at the party, Lucy agrees to lie to her friends.  She tells them that the party’s been cancelled because of a family crisis.

Needless to say, both L.D. and the Farrell twins discover that Lucy lied to them.  (It doesn’t help that Paul and his friends chant, “Party!  Party!” when they pull up in front of Degrassi.)  Lucy loses their friendship and, because she doesn’t want to have sex and risk getting pregnant like Spike did, Lucy also loses her boyfriend.  What she does get is a “reputation” because everyone assumes she had sex with Paul even though she didn’t.

Poor Lucy!  Listen, Lucy should not have lied about the party.  And Paul really was a jerk.  But her friends need to cut Lucy some slack.  Lucy’s parents are never home, she’s still dealing with the trauma of being groomed by that creepy substitute last season, and she’s not even allowed to shoplift anymore.  So, Lucy made some mistakes.  Everyone makes mistakes!

Why can’t Lucy’s friends be as forgiving as Wheels?  During this episode, Snake finally approaches Wheels and apologizes for not talking to him since the funeral for Wheels’s parents.  Snake admits that he didn’t know what to say and Wheels admits that he’s struggling with depression.  Wheels explains that he no longer wants to go to school and he certainly doesn’t want to be a part of the Zit Remedy.  Still, Wheels is clearly touched by Snake’s apology.  Both Neil Hope and Stefan Brogren did a good job of portraying the combination of awkwardness and sincerity that lies at the heart of their friendship.

.Finally, the results of the student election are announced.  To the surprise of no one, Nancy Kramer defeats Kathleen for student council president.  Kathleen becomes Vice President.  Melanie begs Kathleen to nominate her for the dance committee.  Kathleen, however, tells Nancy that only niners (and Melanie is not a niner) should be allowed to serve on a committee.  Melanie overhears and proceeds to pour a carton of milk in Kathleen’s hair.  Poor Kathleen!  Seriously, ladies, be more like Snake and Wheels and support each other!

This episode felt like it was setting up a lot of future storylines.  Will Lucy get her friends back?  Will Wheels ever regain his love of life?  Will Kathleen be able to get all the milk out of her hair?  We’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Review: Playmates (dir by Theodore J. Flicker)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1972’s Playmates!  It  can be viewed on YouTube.

Playmates tells the story of two divorces.

Marshall Barnett (Alan Alda) is an attorney.  He went to Yale and Harvard.  He has a successful career.  He has rich and educated friends.  He has a nice bachelor pad.  He also pays hundreds of dollars in alimony.  He and Lois (Barbara Feldon) got divorced 3 years ago and Marshall is still bitter.  He’s bitter that he has to pay her so much money.  He’s bitter that he only gets to see his son on the weekends.  He’s bitter that he can’t seem to start a new, meaningful relationship with anyone.  He’s bitter that his wife still asks him to critique her modernist paintings.

Kermit Holvey (Doug McClure) is a blue collar welder.  He has only been divorced for a few months and his relationship with ex-wife Patti (Connie Stevens) is nowhere near as contentious as Marshall’s relationship with Lois.  Still, Kermit is struggling to adjust to being single and to only seeing his son on the weekends.

Marshall and Kermit meet one weekend while they are both taking their sons to the Kiddieland Amusement Park.  Marshall is so overjoyed to meet someone else who is dealing with divorce that he comes on a bit strong in trying to get to know Kermit.  Kermit, however, does eventually get over his initial weariness and soon, he and Marshall are best friends.  It doesn’t matter that Marshall has a tendency to be a little bit condescending and that Kermit often can’t follow what Marshall is talking about.  They spend most of their time talking about their ex-wives.

But then Kermit meets Lois and he discovers that her paintings really aren’t as bad as Marshall made them out to be.  And Marshall meets Patti and he discovers that she’s not as dumb as Kermit made her out to be.  Soon, Kermit is secretly dating Lois and Marshall is secretly dating Patti and anyone who has ever watched a comedy before knows that there is a big mess waiting in the future.

Playmates was one of those films that pretended to be a lot naughtier than it actually was.  For all the winking and the occasional sly smiles, all that happens is that Kermit and Marshall both end up going out with women with whom they really don’t have much in common.  And while it’s tempting to read a lot into how quickly Kermit and Marshall become friends and how they both end up dating the other’s female equivalent, I think that might be giving this film too much credit.  (If it were made today, things might be different.)  In the end, the film really has more to say about class than it does marriage, as both Marshall and Lois obviously view spending time with Kermit and Patti as being a way of slumming and building up some working class bona fides without actually having to be working class.  Patti, to her credit, calls Marshall out on this.  Marshall admits that she has a point but he still come across as if he’s talking down to her, largely because he’s played by Alan Alda, an actor who is a master at being somehow both likable and condescending at the same time.

Playmates is a well-acted film and there are some funny lines.  The four main characters are all ultimately likable, even if they all have their moments where you can tell why they would be difficult to live with.  It deserves some credit for following its story through to its natural conclusion, with one couple realizing that they still love each other while the other realize that they are better off divorced.  The film may not be as radical as it pretends to be but it still doesn’t cop out on the ending.  In the end, Playmates is probably best watched as a time capsule.  It’s here if you ever want to experience 1972 firsthand.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.20 “There’s No Business: Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Gabe finally realizes that there’s more to life than teaching!

Episode 3.20 “There’s No Business: Part One”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on January 26th, 1978)

After Vinnie attempts and fails to be a hit at the Comedy Connection’s open mic night, the Sweathogs decide that Gabe should give it a shot.  According to the Sweathogs, the audience at the Comedy Connection loves it when people get on stage and tell really old jokes.  Gabe admits that he’s thought about doing stand-up before.  He decides to give it a shot.

And you know who is really happy about that?  Mr. Woodman.  Mr.  Woodman can’t wait to heckle Gabe.  Woodman explains that he’s a master heckler.  He’s been heckling people his entire life.  “Ever hear of Shecky Rubinstein?” Woodman asks.  No, Gabe replies.  That’s because Woodman heckled him until he quit show business.

The first night that Gabe performs, Woodman gets many opportunities to heckle.  While Woodman, the Sweathogs, and Julie sit in the audience, Gabe struggles through a routine about his aunts and uncles.  The audience is not amused.  Woodman laughs but only at the fact that no one likes Gabe.  As dispirited Gabe retreats to his dressing room, where he tells Julie that he’s going to give up on comedy.

That’s when agent Peter Charnoff (Sam Weisman) enters the room and tells Gabe that he’s funny.  It doesn’t matter that Gabe bombed because “there’s some crazy old man out there heckling anyone.”  Peter tells Gabe that he should talk about his students in his act.

The Sweathogs are surprisingly cool with the idea of Gabe making fun of them.  The next week, Gabe again takes the stage and the audience loves his jokes, especially the ones about how Freddie always says “Hi there,” and Epstein forges his own notes.  Gabe is a hit!  And, with Peter’s encouragement, he announces that he’s stepping away from teaching so that he can be a stand-up comedian.  The Sweathogs and Julie are stunned!

And run the end credits!

Hey, Gabe quit and apparently, he’s abandoning his wife and children.  I guess the show’s over now.  Thanks for reading, everyone!  I wasn’t expecting things to end this abruptly but overall, I enjoyed….

Oh wait.  This is a two-parter and this is just the end of part one.  So, maybe the series isn’t over.  We’ll find out next week, I guess!

As for this episode, it made sense that Gabe would eventually become a stand-up comedian.  I’m a bit surprised it took him this long.  I’m not really sure that audiences would actually go crazy over the rather anodyne jokes that Gabe told about his students but whatever.  It’s television.  (In Gabe Kaplan’s actual stand-up act, Arnold Horshack was named Arnold Horseshit.  Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen on network television in 1978.)  The highlight, as usual, was Woodman’s unhinged delight in being a jerk.  Mr. Woodman is a true treasure.

We’ll see how Gabe’s new career progresses next week!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.2 “The Voodoo Mambo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Micki, Ryan, and Jack get involved in voodoo!

Episode 2.2 “The Voodoo Mambo”

(Dir by Timothy Bond, originally aired on October 7th, 1988)

This episode opens with Micki and Ryan watching a street party that just happens to be taking place in front of Curious Goods.  It’s a Haitian voodoo party and, judging from Micki and Ryan’s comments, it is apparently some sort of annual event that takes place wherever this show is supposed to be set.

(If Curious Goods was set in New Orleans, I could maybe buy this without giving it too much thought.  But the show is filmed in Canada and, judging from the states that were specifically mentioned over the course of the first few episode, it appears that Curious Goods is meant to be located in the Northeast.  How many voodoo street parties do you see in New Jersey?)

Micki and Ryan want to join the party but Jack insists that they first meet his old friend, Hedley (Joe Seneca).  Hedely is a powerful voodoo priest and he has traveled to the city so that his daughter, Stacy (Rachael Crawford, who was on the first season of T & T until her character vanished), can become a priestess.  Ryan is obviously attracted to Stacy but the attraction goes nowhere, which I guess is good considering that every woman who likes Ryan ends up dying in some terrible way.

Meanwhile, good-for-nothing Carl Walters (David Matheson) is in danger of losing the mansion that has been in his family’s possession ever since their days as plantation overlords.  Carl finds a voodoo mask in the basement.  Whenever he puts the mask on, the spirit of a voodoo priestess named Laotia (Suzanna Coy) rips out someone’s throat.  Laotia wants to rip out the throats of the city’s top voodoo priests so that she can gain their powers.  Carl agrees to help because part of the deal is that Carl will get what he wants as well.  I’m not sure what Carl wants, though.  Money, I guess.  But it doesn’t matter because, of course, Laotia is really only concerned with what she wants.

This episode had some atmospheric moments, especially in the scenes featuring the big party outside of Curious Goods.  There’s also some black-and-white footage of actual voodoo ceremonies that is randomly inserted throughout the episode.  I assume that black-and-white footage is meant to be a flashback or something like that, though the show never really makes it all that clear.  That said, this episode was a bit on the dull side.  Carl and Laotia were not particularly interesting and this is the second episode this season to feature an old friend of Jack’s.  (That wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that we’re only two episodes in.)  This episode felt a bit tired, as if someone entered the production office and shouted, “I need an episode about Voodoo!  You’ve got 48 hours!”

Next week, hopefully, thing will be a bit more interesting.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.7 “A Lesson In Values”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

In this episode, Terri finally get to show what she can do in court.

Episode 3.7 “A Lesson In Values”

(Dir by Clay Borris, originally aired on February 17th, 1990)

While working late at the courthouse, Terri stumbles across a homeless man named Nesmith.  Nesmith explains that he’s not a drug addict or a drunk or a criminal or anyone dangerous.  He’s just a man who lives on the streets and travels the country, jotting down his thoughts in notebooks.  Terri is charmed by Nesmith and offers to find him room at a nearby hostel.  Nesmith accepts the offer but then drops dead of a heart attack.

Terri takes it upon herself to serve as executor of his estate.  In his will, Nesmith asks that all of his money — several thousand dollars — be left to his friend and traveling companion, Junior Grayson.  Turner tracks down Grayson, which is about all T.S. Turner does in this episode.  Instead, the entire episode revolves around Terri trying to prove that Nesmith’s will is legitimate.  Nesmith’s wife (Fran Gebhard) and her sleazy attorney (John Stocker) want the money for themselves, despite the fact that Nesmith left home 12 years previously and had little contact with her afterwards.

It took seven episodes but Terri finally gets to be at the center of an episode.  Unfortunately, it’s a pretty predictable episode and it’s also one that presents the homeless as being not people in need of support but instead as whimsical truth-tellers who enjoy living on the streets.  As played by Kristina Nicoll, Terri is not a particularly credible attorney.  I mean, Amy was definitely an underused character but you never doubted that she knew what she was doing in court.  Terri, on the other hand, seems to think that suggesting that the judge will be a big meany head if she doesn’t find for Grayson is an effective argument.

In the end, Grayson does get the money but, because Nesmith’s owed a bunch of back taxes (Come on, Canada, the mans dead!), Grayson will only be getting a few dollars.  That’s okay, though.  Grayson knows that there’s more to life than money.  Grayson gives Terri all of Nesmith’s notebooks and the episode ends with Terri starting to read them while Turner and Decker box in the background.  (Seriously, Turner does next to nothing in this episode and, from what we do see of him, he just seems to be annoyed in general.)  Personally, I was hoping that the episode would end with Terri announcing that she was going to get the notebooks published so that everyone could know who Nesmith was.

Another strange thing about this episode is that the actors playing Nesmith and Grayson were not credited.  I sat through this show a handful of times, looking for their names but they were never listed.  (And they’re not listed at the imdb either.)  The actor playing Grayson gave a heartfelt performance and was this episode’s redeeming factor.  I wish I could credit him.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.8 “The Smile In The Third Row”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark head to Broadway!

Episode 2.8 “The Smile In The Third Row”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on November 20th, 1985)

Fred Fusco (Lorne Greene) is a veteran actor who is appearing in a Broadway play.  In the play, Fred plays a man who learns that he’s about to die.  During the third act, Fred’s character actually does die and Fred ends the play with a monologue about owning the choices he made in his life before he ascends into Heaven (via a harness).

It’s a depressing play and the theater is usually half-empty whenever Fred performs.  But one night, Fred claims that he spotted God sitting in the third row.  Fred also says that God really enjoyed the show.  When the news get out, the play becomes a huge success as audiences turn out to see a play endorsed by God.  Fred becomes a huge celebrity and befriends a terminally ill boy who promises to say hi to God when he goes to Heaven.  However, when Fred starts to talk about leaving his fortune to charity, both his sister (Mary Ann Gibson) and his nephew (David L. Lander) conspire to have him committed.

Fred also happens to be Jonathan and Mark’s later assignment.  Mark gets a job at the theater while Jonathan puts on a collar and becomes Father Jonathan.  While Mark is convinced that Fred is actually seeing God, Jonathan is skeptical because Jonathan doesn’t see God in the theater.  Why, Jonathan asks, would God reveal himself to an actor but not an angel?  There’s an interesting subtext here, as it quickly becomes obvious that Jonathan isn’t so much skeptical as he’s jealous.  He even rather recklessly reveals to Fred that he’s an angel in his quest to convince Fred that he hasn’t actually seen God.  Fred reveals that he’s willing to accept Jonathan’s word that he’s an angel but then asks why Jonathan is not willing to accept his word that he sees God in the theater.

Is God in the theater?  At the end of the episode, Fred’s harness is broken but, at the end of the third act, he still ascends above the theater and then vanishes.  The newspapers call it a hoax but the show suggests that, much like Elijah, he’s been assumed straight to Heaven.  Is Fred meant to be a modern day Elijah?  Would that therefore make his sister a modern-day Jezebel?  Perhaps but, fortunately for her, she is never eaten by wild dogs.

As usual, there wasn’t much subtlety to be found in this episode of Highway to Heaven but it still worked surprisingly well.  When Fred met the dying child, my first instinct was to roll my eyes at the obviousness of it all but those same eyes had tears in them by the time the scene was over.  The episode benefitted greatly from Lorne Greene’s strong performance as Fred Fusco and Michael Landon’s strong portrayal of Jonathan’s mixed feelings about Fred’s claims.  All in all, this was a strong episode.

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.1 “Welcome to Malibu”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Imagine being Peter Engel in 1998.

Your most successful show, Saved By The Bell, ended its NBC run years ago, though it does live on in syndication.  Your second most successful show, California Dreams, ended two years ago.  Once you and your programs dominated NBC’s Sunday morning programming and the cultural landscape but now you’ve been reduced to City Guys, One World, Hang Time, and Saved By The Bell: The New Class.  Both American culture and NBC are moving away from your style of goofy, wholesome entertainment.

What do you do?

If you’re Peter Engel, you take what worked with Saved By The Bell and what worked with California Dreams and you try to create a new show called Malibu, CA.  And if NBC won’t return your calls, you just sell the show to syndication.  That’ll show them!

Malibu, CA ran for two seasons and, until I came across a reference to it online, it was the only Engelverse show that I had previously never seen or even heard about.  However, it turns out that Malibu, CA is available on YouTube.  Considering all of the effort that I previously put into reviewing every episode of California Dreams, City Guys, Hang Time, and even One World (GOD GOD, ONE WORLD), it only seems right to now review Malibu, CA.

Episode 1.1 “Welcome to Malibu”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 11th, 1998)

After a montage of familiar Malibu images (Hey!  Did you know that people surf, bike, and wear bikinis in Malibu?), the show introduces us to Scott (Trevor Merszei) and Jason Collins (Jason Hayes), two twins brothers who don’t like alike.  (That’s good because I’m already having trouble remembering which is which.)  In typical Peter Engel style, they start the show in their bedroom and talking directly to the audience.

Scott explains that their mother has taken a job in Saudi Arabia so he and his brother have moved to Malibu to live with their Dad.  (Really?  Saudi Arabia?)  Jason says he’s excited because Malibu is “27 miles of babes.”  Scott says that Jason is “both halves of Dumb and Dumber.”  Jason says that Scott’s shirt makes him look like one of the “Spice Boys.”

Downstairs, their father Peter Collins  (Edward Blatchford, who previously played Mr. Belding’s laid back and irresponsible brother on a classic episode of Saved By The Bell), waits for them so that he can take them to their first day at a new school.  Scott asks if Malibu is always as perfect as it appears to be in the morning.  Peter says that it’s perfect except for the mudslides and the earthquakes.  Jason says that he can’t wait for his first earthquake because he wants to see “Heather Locklear run from her house in her underwear.”  (Okay, Jason, we get it.  You’re the type of guy who is destined to go broke due to an internet porn addiction.)  Peter mentions that he dated “the redhead from Melrose Place” three times.  He then tells the boys that he’s “not much on rules” and he suggests that Scott change his shirt because, “You look like Al Gore.”  (OUCH!)  Peter leaves for the restaurant that he apparently owns while Scott heads up stairs to look for a new shirt.

That leaves Jason alone to meet the next door neighbor, Samantha “Sam” Chapman (Gina Marley May), whose short red dress causes Jason to say, “Whoa!” and inspires someone in the studio audience to do a wolf whistle.  Sam wants Jason to sign a petition that will tell businessman Henry Updyke to not drill for oil on the beach.  (Didn’t the same thing happen on both Saved By The Bell and California Dreams?)  Jason signs and he also meets Sam’s friend, the spacey Murray Updyke (Brandon Brooks).  Murray is especially dedicated to taking down Henry’s business because Henry is his father.  So, basically, Murray’s a spoiled jerk, even if the show doesn’t realize it.

We then cut to high school, which appears to be the same high school set that was used in California Dreams.  We see Sam with her best friend, a lifeguard named Jennifer “Stads” Stadler (Wendi Kenya).  Stads (God, do I really have to call her that?) just broke up with her boyfriend because apparently, he was only taking her to Hooters so that he could hit on the waitresses.  (Was she dating Michael Scott?)

Now, the good news is that Stads hates being called Stads.  “Why does everyone think I’m one of the guys?” she says angrily.  “Well, you did join the boys hockey team,” Sam offers up.  Stads then notices Scott struggling with his locker combination.  She helps him out by punching the locker, which flies open and smacks Scott in the face.  As Scott struggles to regain his composure, he asks for help finding the Marine Biology class.  Sam is also into Marine Biology.  (SHOCKER!)  She and Scott go off together.

Meanwhile, Jason is approached by a woman (Susan Wood) in a red dress.  (Another red dress!)  She asks his name and, when he says that he’s Jason Collins, she asks if he’s Peter’s son.  Jason immediately assume that Peter must have dated her.  “My Dad always dates the hottest babes!”  “I’m not a babe, I’m Ms. Morrissey …. your principal.”  “Whoa!” the audience says.  Murray runs into the school and hugs Mrs. Morrisey.  After Morrisey politely tells them to get to class and then heads for her office, Murray suggests they should skip school instead.  Jason agrees.  Hey, why not?  It’s not like anything important happens on the first day of school.

Jason stops by the Lighthouse, which is Peter’s restaurant.  The Lighthouse is easily identifiable as Sharky’s from California Dreams, just with a new coat of paint.  Peter is not happy about Jason skipping but Jason gets distracted by Sam trying to pass out flyers for her anti-oil rally.  Jason offers to hand out the flyers for her.  Sam thanks him and says that she can’t wait to see him at the rally.  After Sam leaves, Jason gives the flyers to a waiter and tell him to put them into all the menus.  Scott then shows up and says that he met the perfect girl.  Jason says he did to.  “Wait until you meet Samantha!” they say in unison.

Cut to the beach, where Jason, Scott, Sam, Stads, and Murray are struggling to get anyone to take their flyers.  Jason suggests that they need a billboard.  “Are you talking about signs everywhere ragging on my dad’s company?” Murray says, “Alright!”

(I’m sorry but Murray’s kind of a dick.  I mean, are you campaigning for the environment or are you just mad at your dad?)

How to pay for a billboard?  Jason suggests having a fundraiser at the Lighthouse.

“Dad won’t go for that,” Scott says.

“Dad doesn’t need to know,” Jason says.

Okay, Jason’s a dick too.

How to get Peter out of the restaurant?  Jason approaches Ms. Morrissey at school and, surprisingly, is not given any sort of punishment for skipping the first day.  Jason gives Ms. Morrissey tickets to the Fleetwood Mac concert and says that Peter really wants to go with her but he feels awkward because Ms. Morrissey is their principal so Ms. Morrissey will have to ask him.  Ms. Morrissey agrees to this because, in the world of Peter Engel, all principals are idiots.

Somehow, the plan works.  Peter — oh my God!  IS HE NAMED AFTER PETER ENGEL!? — goes to the concert and the boys take over the restaurant.  Sam is really impressed, since the party will give her a chance to get more teenagers to sign her useless petition.  Jason and Scott get into an argument over who Sam likes and they decide to ask Stads.  They don’t even notice that Stads is trying to change her image by wearing a dress.

“Just imagine if the two of us liked you,” Scott says to her, apparently unaware that Stads has a crush on him, “who would you go for?”

Stads runs from the restaurant as the audience says, “Awwww!”  I actually said “awww” too.  Both Jason and Scott are dicks.  Poor Jennifer!

Because Jason lied and said the stars of Baywatch would be at the restaurant, way too many people show up for the party.  Jason and Scott get into an argument over who is to blame and they each accuse the other of only throwing the party to get a date with Sam.  Offended, Sam declares, “I wouldn’t date either of you!”  Good for you, Sam, they suck.

Guess who suddenly shows up?  It’s Peter and the cops!  The restaurant is closed for overcrowding and Peter, as owner, is fined $500.  Peter worries that maybe he’s not responsible enough to look after his sons.  Maybe they need to go back to New York and live with their grandma.

The next days, Jason and Scott tells Stads and Sam that they’re leaving.  “I’m never going to see you again!?” Stads says before kissing Scott.  “Hey, I’m leaving too!” Jason says.

Fear not.  Peter decides to give them another chance, with the understanding that there will be rules.  They’re both grounded and they’re both going to have to work as busboys in the restaurant.  But they can stay in Malibu and continue to compete for Sam.

“My brother doesn’t stand a chance!” Jason and Scott is unison.

Well, that happened.  The first episode of Malibu CA did what a first episode should do.  It introduced us to the characters and their situations and it set up future storylines.  Unfortunately, almost none of the characters are particularly likable.  Jason’s a jerk.  Scott’s a wimp.  Murray is a spoiled brat.  Sam is self-righteous.  Peter is a midlife crisis waiting to happen.  The closest thing this show has to a likable character is Jennifer and she’s stuck with a terrible nickname.  I’m an optimist and I’m fully aware that first episodes are rarely indicative of what a show is going to eventually become.  I hope Malibu CA will improve.  For now, though, I’m starting understand why I had never heard of it before.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.6 “The Farmer’s Daughter”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Say, have you heard the joke about the traveling Bible salesman and the farmer’s daughter?  How about the one about the Man from Nantucket….

Episode 2.6 “The Farmer’s Daughter”

(Dir by Michael Warren Powell, originally aired on November 5th, 1989)

On a rainy night, traveling salesman Howard Filby (Soupy Sales) has an accident in front of the farmhouse owned by …. well, the show just calls them Ma (Bobo Lewis) and Pa (George Hall).  Ma and Pa seem like good country folks.  (That said, just their names brought to mind the owners of the Ma & Pa General Store on King of the Hill.  “I guess your Pa because you’re PA-thetic!”  “And you’re Ma because you’re always ridin’ mah ass!”)  Ma and Pa are willing to let Howard spend the night at the farmhouse, out of the rain.  He can just sleep up in the attic.  They’ll have to put up a privacy sheet, of course.  Their daughter Lucy (Stephanie Phillips) also stays up in the attic.

That privacy sheet doesn’t stay up for long.  Howard becomes intrigued by Lucy’s silhouette and her sultry voice.  When the sheet comes down, Howard is relieved to discover that Lucy is just as attractive as she sounded.  Lucy asks Howard for his undying love and Howard’s willing to give it.  Lucy talks about heading downstairs to let Ma and Pa know that they’ll be getting married.  Howard’s a little bit surprised to hear that….

Howard’s even more surprised when he accidentally pulls off a chunk of Lucy’s skin.  It turns out that Lucy is not quite who Howard thought she was and that Howard is hardly the first salesman to be brought to the farmhouse and sent up to the attic.  Even as Howard struggles in the attic, Ma and Pa sit in their living room and smile at the sound of another fender bender outside….

This was a nicely atmospheric episode.  Having heard all the various stories and jokes about traveling salesman and farmer’s daughters, I can’t say that I was particularly surprised by the direction that the story took but the episode still works as an example of American folk horror.  Soupy Sales was a comedian and a children’s show host and, according to Wikipedia, his trademark was getting a pie slammed in his face.  (Ouch!)  With that in mind, I guess it’s not a surprise that Sales’s performance occasionally leans a bit too much towards the goofy side.  (There’s a difference between playing the role with humor and just mugging for the camera.)  However, Stephanie Phillips, George Hall, and Bobo Lewis are all effectively creepy as the faux friendly farmhouse inhabitants.

Interestingly enough, this episode was co-written by character actor Bob Balaban.  As a director, Balaban was responsible for Parents, another film about a seemingly perfect married couple with a secret.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.14 “First Voyage, Last Voyage/April, the Ninny/The Loan Arranger”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Oh, hey, Charo’s back.

Episode 4.15 “First Voyage, Last Voyage/April, the Ninny/The Loan Arranger”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

April’s back!

Played by Charo, April Lopez was one of the few recurring characters on The Love Boat.  Whereas other actors appeared frequently but always as different characters, Charo was always April whenever she boarded The Love Boat.  The first time she boarded the ship, she did so as a stowaway.  The next two times, she boarded as the cruise’s entertainment.  This season, however, April boards as someone who has grown tired of show business.  When last we saw her, April was in love with a guy named Tex and planning on playing Las Vegas.  However, when April boards this time, she quickly informs both Julie and Isaac that she and Tex are no longer a couple and Vegas didn’t work out because she was expected to play her guitar while naked.

(“They could have at least gotten you a cello,” Isaac replies.)

April wants a new career, which she gets when she meets Ty Younger (Larry Linville), who is wealthy but who also has two bratty kids who are always chasing off their nannies.  They can’t chase off April, who understands that the best way to calm a bratty child is to grab your guitar and sing to them at night.  April gives up show business to become a nanny but I don’t think it’ll last.  April is too impulsive to settle down, and Ty’s kids really are the worst.  (As well, Charo and Larry Linville didn’t exactly generate a lot of heat in their scenes together.)  April may leave the boat with a new family but hopefully, she’ll return alone in the fifth season.

Speaking of the worst, Cindy Simmons (Maureen McCormick) is dying but her parents (Ty Hardin and Kathleen Nolan) haven’t gotten around to telling her yet.  Cindy thinks that she’s made a full recovery from her recent illness.  Her parents don’t want to upset Cindy but when Cindy meets and falls in love with Paul Harris (Jay Thomas), they realize that they’re going to have to tell Cindy the truth.  Poor Cindy!  Fortunately, this is The Love Boat and Paul isn’t going to let a little thing like impending death get in the way of romance.  I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen Maureen McCormick on both The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.  For this episode, McCormick does a pretty good job with her role and she and Jay Thomas make for an attractive couple.

“I guess I’m still getting my sea legs,” Cindy says to Paul.

“Your legs look mighty fine to me,” Paul replies.

That’s about as witty as things get on this cruise.

Finally, Joey (Richard Kline) is a mob enforcer who has been sent to collect a debt owed by Tony Patacchio, a gambling addict.  However, Joey gets distracted when he meets a woman named Antoinette (Lisa Hartman) who enjoys gambling.  Joey falls for Antoinette and, unable to find Tony, he even spends the night in her cabin.  Hmmm …. Tony …. Antoinette …. Toni….

Yes, Joey has fallen in love with the person he was supposed to rough up.  Fortunately, Joey is willing to fix a poker game so that Toni can win enough of his money to pay off her debt.  When Toni realizes that Joey lost his money to her on purpose, she declares that she can’t take his money.  “If we were married,” Joey says, “It would be our money.”

Richard Kline is not a particularly believable debt collector.  (Tony Soprano would have tossed him in a dumpster.)  It’s also strange that his boss would send him to collect a debt without bothering to give him a physical description of the person he was supposed to intimidate.  The whole storyline was full of holes but I’m surprised to say that I did end up rooting Kline and Hartman to get together.  The two of them had enough chemistry to overcome the fact that their story made very little sense.

Previously, whenever Charo was a guest star, she dominated the entire episode, for better or worse.  With this episode, she seems kind of bored with the whole thing, as if Charo was just as fed up with show business as April.  Instead, it was Maureen McCormick and Jay Thomas who dominated the episode with Richard Kline and Lisa Hartman also getting their share of good scenes.  It makes for a bit of an uneven episode but I defy anyone not to feel something when Paul declares that he wants to spend the rest of Cindy’s life with her.  Mixing romantic melodrama and goofy comedy is what made The Love Boat a treasure of American pop culture.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.2 “The Creature”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

Mitch, Griff, and Ryan search for an amphibian hybrid.

Episode 2.2 “The Creature”

(Dir by David W. Hagar, originally aired on October 6th, 1996)

The Creature of the title is a young blonde woman (played by Shelli Lether) who has spent her entire life locked away in a secret lab.  One night, a security guard decides that he wants to get to know The Creature better.  The Creature responds by killing both him and his co-worker.  She escapes from the lab, running into the California night.

Mitch and Ryan are brought to the lab by the mysterious Diamont Teague, who explains that he’s not sure what was going on at the lab but whatever was housed in the building has escaped.  Mitch leaves to track down the Creature.  (He recruits Griff to help him out.)  Meanwhile, Ryan stays at the lab and looks through magnifying scopes and studies slides and computer read-outs and eventually, she figures out that the lab was the focus of a DNA experiment.  The creature is half-amphibian and half-human.

“Can we do that?” Mitch asks when Ryan calls him.

“Apparently so,” Ryan calmly replies.

(Seriously, Ryan’s so cool.)

It also turns out that Mitch and Griff are not the only people who are searching for the Creature.  There are also a group of soldiers that are determined to track down the Creature, destroy it, and cover up the fact that it was created in the first place.  Mitch, needless to say, is not happy about that.  Mitch is a lifeguard and, as a lifeguard, he believes in guarding every life, even the life of a humanoid amphibian who murders anyone who approaches her.

And, if this was Baywatch, Mitch probably would have saved the Creature.  But this is Baywatch Nights and the night is darker than the day.  The Creature gets blown up in a tunnel but it appears that all of the soldiers get blown up with her.  Take that, Feds!  As for Mitch, he gets out of the tunnel just in time and makes a slow motion jump as the explosion erupts behind him.  A chastened and mournful Mitch then announces that he’s going home as the sun rises over the horizon.  Hey, Mitch — don’t forget to call Ryan and let her know that she can leave the lab.

After last week’s disappointing second season premiere, The Creature is the first classic episode of Baywatch Nights‘s supernatural season.  The action moves quickly and through multiple locations.  (The Creature may not know much about the world but she’s still drawn to a club.)  The story is ludicrous enough to be entertaining.  Shelli Lether is surprisingly sympathetic as the murderous Creature.  Even Hasselhoff throws his heart into his attempts to convince the soldiers not to destroy the Creature.  This episode was fun and dumb in a very likable way.

Next week, Mitch battles another sea monster!