Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 3.4 “Crosetti”

Posted on February 23, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC! It can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, we discover why Steve Crosetti has not come back to work.

Episode 3.4 “Crosetti”

(Dir by Whitney Ransick, originally aired on December 2nd, 1994)

Detective Steve Crosetti has yet to return from a week-long vacation in Atlantic City. When Giardello asks Lewis where Crosetti is, Lewis lies and says that he has the flu. In truth, Lewis hasn’t heard from Crosetti but he remains convinced that his partner will soon return and will once again be annoying him with all of his theories about Abraham Lincoln.

Meanwhile, Bolander and Munch are called to the harbor. A body has been fished out of the water. The body has been in the water for a while and, from what we see, its bloated and the skin has turned the purplish color of decay. Bolander and Munch have no idea who the man is but they see that he’s wearing a lapel pin that identifies him as a member of the Fraternal Order of Policeman. They check the body for ID….

Lewis is called in Giardello’s office. Giardello tells Lewis that Steve Crosetti is dead. His body was found in the harbor. Bolander is investigating but all signs seem to indicate that Crosetti’s death was a suicide. Lewis refuses to believe it. He is convinced that Crosetti was murdered, perhaps by someone he investigated. Lewis takes out his anger on Bolander and Munch, feeling that they’re attempting to besmirch Crosett’s reputation by even considering the possibility of suicide.

It’s more than just Lewis’s feelings at stake. If Bolander determines that Crosetti committed suicide, it will make him the fourth Baltimore cop to have committed suicide that year. The brass says that Crosetti won’t get an honor guard if it’s determined that he committed suicide. Giardello subtly suggests that Bolander should rule the death of homicide. Bolander suggests that committing suicide was Crosetti’s final statement. Who are they to ignore a man’s final statement?

In the end, the toxicology results reveal that Crosetti was drunk when he fell in the harbor, leading to Lewis saying the death was an accident. Munch then reveals that Crosetti was also taking several anti-depressants at the time of his death and Lewis is finally forced to admit that Crosetti was not murdered. Crosetti does not get his honor guard, though Pembleton, after spending the whole episode acting as if he didn’t care, puts on his full dress uniform and salutes as Crosetti’s casket passes.

This was an incredibly powerful episode, all the more so because no explanation is given as to what specifically led to Crosetti taking his own life. The genesis behind the episode was not a happy one. One of NBC’s conditions for renewing Homicide for a third season was that Jon Polito, who was not considered photogenic enough for television, be written out. Showrunner Tom Fontana told Polito it would only be a temporary thing and that Crosetti would return once the show had been renewed for a fourth season. Polito didn’t believe Fontana and went to the press, complaining about how the show was being run. As a result, Crosetti ended his life. (Polito and Fontana later ended their feud, allowing Polito to return as a ghost at the end of Homicide: The Movie.) The show uses Crosetti’s suicide as a way to explore the psychological impact of being a cop as well as the impossibility of truly knowing what’s going on inside anyone’s head. Only after Crosetti’s suicide has been confirmed can Lewis look back and see certain signs that Crosetti was unhappy.

Wonderfully acted and wonderfully written, this episode is a dark one but, as so often happens with life’s darker moments, there are moments of humor. Pembleton brags about his parallel parking skills, just to discover that he can’t actually pull out afterwards. An attempt to buy cookies for Crosetti’s reception leads to a fierce argument between Bayliss and Pembleton, regarding both the price of cookies and whether or not the baker was actually Italian. We meet Munch’s younger brother, a rather bitter mortician. When Lewis cleans out Crosetti’s desk, the first thing he pulls out is a slinky. These are small moments but they affirm the humanity of the show’s characters and reminds us that the show and this episode in general is as much about living as it is about dying.

Steve Crosetti, RIP.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Check It Out! 3.8 “Mutiny on Mr. Christian”

Posted on February 22, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and Peacock!

This week, Howard leaves the store once again. Chaos follows.

Episode 3.8 “Mutiny on Mr. Christian”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on November 7th, 1987)

Howard goes on another one of the 100 vacations that he seems to take during the year, leaving Christian in charge of the store. To no one’s surprise, Christian turns out to be a total martinet who times Marlene’s check-out speed, bothers Leslie at the deli, and refuses to give out the paychecks early. “The book says 4:00,” Christian explains, “and I’m doing things by the book.”

When Howard returns early, Marlene rats on Christian and reveals, amongst other things, that Christian attempted to strip search a female shop lifter. (Agck! As someone who was a compulsive makeup stealer in her teen years, I’m glad Target didn’t have the same policy.) Howard probably could fire Christian for the strip search stunt but instead, he …. well, he does nothing.

Christian, however, gets back at Marlene by disguising his voice, calling her, and telling her that she has won two tickets to Atlantic City as a part of a newspaper sweepstakes that she was taking part in. Marlene is super-excited and can’t wait to take her grandmother on a real vacation. Christian suffers a pang of guilt. When he later calls to tell Marlene that she didn’t win the tickets, Howard overhears him. Christian is forced to tell Marlene what he did. Instead of yelling at Christian, Marlene says she’ll just win the tickets for real.

Marlene does not win the contest. But Howard, Leslie, and even Christian all buy her tickets to Atlantic City. Awwwww!

Plotwise, this episode felt like a season two episode. Howard is once again going on vacation whenever he wants. Christian is once again acting like a jackass. Leslie and Marlene are once again allied against the world. Edna is not in the episode and neither is Viker. Even the ending feels like a season two ending. Marlene takes the tickets from Christian while Marlene returns the other tickets to Leslie and Howard so that they can get refunds. They laugh about getting one over on Christian though they might want to consider that Christian, for once, tried to do the right thing without being ordered to do so.

That said, this episode works like a season 3 episode because it focuses on the show’s three most consistently funny performers, Jeff Pustil, Aaron Schwartz, and Kathleen Laskey. Schwartz has fun with Leslie’s snarky insults. Laskey brings an edge to Marlene’s sarcasm. Jeff Pustil is always at his best when he’s portraying Christian’s attempts to weasel out of being held responsible for his actions. The three of them more than make up for the fact that Don Adams himself feels a bit off in this episode.

All in all, this wasn’t the best episode of the show or even the third season. But it still made me smile.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.4 “Crippled Inside”

Posted on February 22, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, it’s all up to Johnny Ventura!

By the way, it is true that these reviews usually run on Friday. This week, however, all the cold weather caught up to me and I spent most of yesterday in bed. As a result, this week’s review got preempted to tonight. Now, let’s find out what’s been going on in the world of cursed antiques!

Episode 3.4 “Crippled Inside”

(Dir by Timothy Bond, originally aired on October 21st, 1989)

This week’s episode opens with teenager Rachel Horn (Stephanie Morgenstern) nearly getting gang-raped by a group of jocks. Rachel manages to escape from them but, as she runs away, she’s hit by a car and left a quadriplegic. Feeling that her life is over, things start to look up for Rachel when an old man (John Gilbert) gives her his antique wheelchair, which he suggests will help her regain the ability to move. When Rachel sits in the antique wheelchair, she can send out her astral form. Each time she uses the wheelchair, her body heals just a little bit more. The only catch is that the wheelchair only works if Rachel kills people while in her astral form. Hey, I can think of at least four guys that Rachel might want to kill….

With Jack and Micki in London, it falls to Johnny Ventura to try to get the wheelchair back. I have to admit that I was a bit skeptical when I saw this episode was going to be a solo effort on Johnny’s part. I was like, “Johnny’s only been a regular for two episodes and he’s already working alone?” (I have to admit that my feelings towards the Johnny Ventura character are very much influenced by how much I liked Ryan.) But I have to say that this was a good episode and a lot of that was because Johnny was working alone. Not understanding the true danger of the cursed antiques, Johnny was torn about whether or not to take the wheelchair away from Rachel. Rachel was a very sympathetic character and the people she was targeting truly were terrible. Johnny, not understanding that Rachel was losing her soul to the devil, actually gave the wheelchair back at one point. By the end of the episode, he realized he had made a mistake. Steve Monarque did a wonderful job portraying Johnny’s growing realization that there are no good curses.

This was a good episode. I still miss Ryan but Johnny held his own. The story was emotionally effective and the ending left me feeling genuinely unsettled. Johnny learned the truth about curses and I learned that, even during its final season, Friday the 13th: The Series was capable of producing intelligent and memorable horror.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 4.18 “The Sweat Smell of Success”

Posted on February 22, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show can be purchased on Prime.

Buchanan High is in chaos! Only one man can save the day but he’s not around anymore.

Episode 4.18 “The Sweat Smell of Success”

(Dir by Norman Abbott, originally aired on March 3rd, 1979)

Where is Mr. Kotter!?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know why Gabe Kaplan was hardly ever on the show during the fourth season. He was annoyed that the network refused to allow the Sweathogs to graduate from Buchanan High, despite the fact that the actors playing the Sweathogs were all in their late 20s and early 30s. He was not happy about working with Marcia Strassman. And he was shooting a movie for a good deal of the fourth season. Kaplan felt that he moved on from the series and as such, he allowed his character to become vice principal and kept his appearances on the show to a minimum,

But, in the narrative of the show, where is Mr. Kotter? Usually, someone will mention that he’s out of town or busy with school business. In this episode, he isn’t even mentioned. It’s kind of disturbing how he’s vanished and no one seems to care. The Sweathogs need his guidance and this episode, as dumb as it was, features a plot that feels like it would have been perfect for Mr. Kotter’s corny jokes and gentle mentoring. Even more importantly …. who is the song welcoming back? Kotter’s gone! He’s not around to be welcomed back!

As for this week’s episodes, it appears that the show’s writers finally remembered that, at the start of the season, each of the Sweathogs was assigned a job around the school. Freddie and Horshack run the school store. Meanwhile, Epstein is in charge of the audio visual department. But he sucks at his job so Woodman reassigns him to the school paper. Horshack’s girlfriend, Mary Johnson, edits and writes the paper and is very earnest in her efforts to make the paper something worth reading. That’s quite a chance from the Mary who tried to kill herself just a few episodes ago.

Anyway, Epstein turns the paper into a tabloid. He suggests that Julie is having an affair with Woodman. (“She’s not my type!” Woodman declares, “Too tall!”) He writes about Freddie Washington wore diapers until he was six months old. Epstein describes Horshack as being a diva. Epstein says that Beau is a member of the Ku Klux Klan. He says….

WAIT! WHAT!?

Okay, one of these stories is far worse than the others. Washington did wear diapers when he was a baby and Horshack is a diva and Julie probably is cheating on Gabe. But Beau is a member of the Klan? Where did this come from? “I’m going to need a police escort to go home tonight,” Beau says while the audience laughs.

Seriously, don’t just toss around Klan accusations, folks. It’s just common sense.

Anyway, Epstein’s friends get mad at him so Epstein quits the paper after publishing an expose of himself on the front page. He returns to the audio visual department. He still sucks at his job and I guess Mary is back to having to write, edit, and publish the entire newspaper by herself. Is this a happy ending?

Well, at least Beau didn’t get killed.

Next week, it’s time for the school talent show! Wow, Mr. Kotter would have loved that. RIP.

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 1.13 “Family History”

Posted on February 22, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988. The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

Usually, I review this show on Friday but, yesterday, my week of visiting Lake Texoma in freezing weather finally caught up with me and I spent most of the day congested and curled up in bed. As a result, St. Elsewhere got preempted until today. Now, let’s see what’s happening at St. Eligius….

Episode 1.13 “Family History”

(Dir by Kevin Hooks, originally aired on February 8th, 1983)

After being a background character for the past few episodes, Dr. Wendy Armstrong (Kim Miyori) finally gets her time in the spotlight with this episode. When Charlie Heller (Keenan Wynn) comes into the ER with a chronic nosebleed, Dr. Armstrong is too quick to assume that it’s nothing serious. Dr. Westphall, who is in an especially crappy mood this episode, reprimands her for not getting a family history before making her diagnosis. A chastened Armstrong gets Charlie’s family history and comes to suspect that he has a rare blood condition that only seems to effect Jewish men. A very expensive test confirms Armstrong’s diagnosis. Armstrong is excited. “I was right!” she says. Westphall again reprimands her, telling her that she now needs to tell Charlie that he has a chronic condition and will have to take medicine for the rest of his life.

Seriously, Westphall was not in a good mood during this episode! But I don’t blame him. From her first appearance on the show, Dr. Armstrong has been complaining nonstop. No matter what happens in the hospital, she seems to take it as a personal affront. Now, after several episodes of complaining about the other doctors, Armstrong fails to do a simple thing like get a family history. No wonder Westphall was all like, What are you bragging about?

That said, even if his mood was understandable, I would not want to get on Westphall’s bad side. Even after Armstrong makes the correct diagnosis, Westphall takes the time to say, “Next time, do what I told you to do.” Agck!

While Westphall was dealing with whatever was eating away at him, Dr. Chandler was getting annoyed by John Doe’s refusal to try to remember anything about his past. Even when John Doe’s real father showed up and explained that Doe was his son, Dave Stewart, he refused to try to remember anything. Eventually, Chandler snapped at Dave for refusing to even try. Chandler, of course, is played by a young Denzel Washington so, when he gets mad, it’s like having the voice of God call you out. After Chandler’s reprimand, Dave finally makes an effort to remember his past. He realizes that, when he was shot, he had a vision of his deceased mother welcoming him to heaven. Awwww!

Dr. Craig’s friend has his gender affirmation surgery. Crag met his friend’s lover, a trans man. Needless to say, this episode featured a lot of scenes of Craig rolling his eyes as he struggled to come to terms with everything he was learning about his old friend. It was all pretty predictable but William Daniels did a great job playing up Craig’s confusion and single-mindedness.

And finally, Peter was happy because his wife wanted to get back together. I get the feeling any happiness Peter feels is destined to always be temporary.

This episode was a bit uneven. Armstrong’s story would have been compelling if Armstrong herself was a more interesting character. The highlight of the episode were the scenes between Denzel Washington’s doctor and Tom Hulce’s amnesiac. It’s always enjoyable to watch two good actors perform opposite of each other.

Next week, the great Norman Lloyd takes center stage as Auschlander’s cancer returns.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.14 “All That Glitters”

Posted on February 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, a conman seeks refuge in a church.

Episode 3.14 “All that Glitters”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 7th, 1987)

There’s a fire raging in the city and elderly homeowners are being forced to evacuate. “Father” Jonathan and “Father” Mark open up an abandoned church so that the people have some place to stay while the fires are burning. Good for them and also good for this show for finally acknowledging Catholicism.

Also hiding out in the church and disguised as a priest is Charley Trapola (John Pleshette), a con artist who, despite his criminal profession, actually has a good heart. Charley has a briefcase with him, one that is full of money. A group of criminals want the briefcase back but, at least initially, they know better than to try anything in the church. Instead, they decide to wait for Charley to come out. Inside the church, Charley gets to know Wanda (Didi Conn), a shy but kind-hearted woman who goes to Confession every day.

This episode was okay. Usually, when Jonathan and Mark go undercover as clergyman, they’re portrayed as being wishy-washy Episcopalians or vaguely liberal Methodists so I was happy that they were Catholic for this episode. John Pleshette and Didi Conn were both well-cast as this episode’s guest stars. They eventually made for a very sweet and likable couple. My main issue with this episode is that it tried to do a bit too much. Not only did we have Charley being chased by the gangsters but we also had Wanda dealing with her shyness and Mark and Jonathan dealing with the people were seeking shelter and looking for their loved ones. This episode — and not that weird marriage counseling episode — would have benefitted from an extra hour. As it was, it just felt a bit overstuffed. As well, this is another episode in which Jonathan reveals early on that he’s angel and, oddly enough, Charley has no hesitation about believing him. I always prefer the episodes where Jonathan doesn’t reveal who he really is. When Jonathan reveals that he’s an angel, it almost seems like cheating. The show is always more effective when people decide to open up their hearts on their own as opposed to doing so because they feel they’ve been ordered to.

There’s an odd scene where the three thugs break into the church and pull a gun on Jonathan. After Jonathan gives them fair warning about “the boss,” the main thug attempts to shoot Jonathan. Needless to say, the bullets don’t have any effect on an angel. However, a sudden blue lights fills the church and suddenly, the three men are apparently zapped out of existence. Jonathan later jokes that he’s not sure where the three men are but that they probably aren’t happy. So, did the three men go straight to Hell? Are they dead? I understand the logic behind the scene but it’s not really something you expect from a show where the main theme is usually that everyone has a chance for redemption.

Next week, Dick Van Dyke plays a homeless puppeteer …. uh oh. This sounds like it could a little bit cringey …. well, we’ll see.

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 2.3 “Aloha”

Posted on February 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

Even by Malibu CA standards, this week’s episode is incredibly stupid.

Episode 2.3 “Aloha”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

Peter can’t figure out why no one is coming to his restaurant.

Gee, Peter, maybe it’s because your idiot sons work there and are constantly screwing everything up. Maybe it’s because your only waitress is constantly complaining about everything in the most overdramatic way possible. (Seriously, after only three episodes, Lisa — the Malibu CA character, not me! — is perhaps the most annoying human being ever.) Maybe that all has something to do with it….

No, actually, it’s because there’s a new restaurant called Aloha, which features the Cocoanuts, a group of girls who wear bikinis and dance while the patrons are eating. I can’t imagine anyone going to this restaurant on a date but apparently, all of the single men on the beach love it. Murray has eaten at the restaurant 21 times in a row! Jason and Scott go down to Aloha with their father and Jason immediately starts dancing with the girls. Peter accuses both Jason and Murray of betraying him.

It’s easy to laugh at Peter’s misfortune, especially since it’s his own damn fault for being a terrible business owner. But when he announces that he might lose the restaurant because he stupidly took out a loan, Jason and Scott bully Murray into using his trust fund to invest in The Lighthouse. Co-owner Murray wants to have a pirate night. “Arggh!” Peter says.

Anyway, Jason and Scott eventually bully Murray into applying to be one of the Cocoanuts and after Murray is hired, everyone stops going to Aloha and they return to the Lighthouse because there are only two restaurants in Malibu. Myself, I’m wondering how exactly Murray got hired. On the show, it’s suggested that Murray was hired because, otherwise, he would have sued the owner of Aloha for sex discrimination. That’s not exactly how that law works, though. Even if the owner did hire Murray to work at Aloha, he wouldn’t be required to make Murray one of the dancers. He could have just used Murray as a waiter or dishwasher or …. WAIT ON MINUTE! Murray already has a job! Just two episodes ago, he was working at The Lighthouse! What the Hell!?

There’s an equally stupid B-plot. Traycee wants to date the guy who changes out the coke machine on the beach. He’s not into flashy celebrities who Traycee works a dark wig and glasses and pretends to be a librarian. It all seems to be working until he sees Traycee in a bikini and realizes that she’s not actually a librarian …. WHAT!? Why would Traycee, whose entire life is about being famous, like this guy in the first place? And why are Lisa (the character, not me!) and Stads still on the show when its obvious that the show really doesn’t have anything for either of them to do? It would perhaps help if Lisa and Stads didn’t both have exactly the same killjoy personality. Anyway, Traycee ends up single again but she lands on the cover of Soap Opera Digest.

God, this show was stupid.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.10 “The Waiting Game”

Posted on February 19, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, the survivors of the end of the world discover that they might not as along as they think they are.

Episode 3.10 “The Waiting Game”

(Dir by Bruce Spandello, originally aired on December 9th, 1990)

Following a nuclear war, four survivors are stuck in two different shelters. In one shelter, Lt. Eric Tyler (Doug McKeon) and Captain Stanley Levitt (Stephen Burleigh) wait until it’s safe to go outside. They are in communication, via walkie-talkie, with Lt. Maureen Knox (Carrington Garland) and Capt. Andrew Garza (Leo Garcia). Knox and Garza are not handling things quite as well as Tyler and Levitt. In fact, Garza is convinced that he sees people moving outside of the bunker and he wants to go outside and investigate, despite the fact that the whole world is presumably radioactive now. Tyler and Levitt struggle to keep Garza and later Knox from going outside to look for phantom survivors. Soon, Tyler and Levitt start to realize that they aren’t as alone as they thought they were.

The idea behind this episode of Monsters is an intriguing one. Though a nuclear war has wiped out most of human civilization, it hasn’t destroyed an ancient vampire who is now roaming the world. In fact, the war has just made the vampire even stronger. The nuclear fallout has blocked out the sun, plunging the world into darkness and allowing the vampire to move around freely. Once it becomes obvious that Knox and Garza have both been captured and turned into vampires, Tyler and Levitt are faced with the question of how long they can resist. They may have survived the war but now, it appears that they’re going to be trapped in their bunker for the rest of their lives.

This was a superior episode of Monsters. I don’t know the specifics of what was going on behind-the-scenes but Monsters seems to have really hit its stride during the third season. The production values are noticeably higher than they were during the first two seasons. The guest stars are better-known. In general, the stories themselves are far more interesting and intelligently written. This episode is atmospheric and appropriately claustrophobic and it also features four excellent performances from McKeon, Burleigh, Garland, and Garcia. It’s hard to imagine an episode this good airing during the show’s first or even second season. But it’s definitely an example of the quality that I’ve now come to expect from the third season.

Personally, I would have stayed in that bunker for as long as it took. And I really do think the vampire kind of screwed up. By turning everyone into a vampire, he pretty much guaranteed that he and his new friends are going to run out of food in record time.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.18 “His Girls Friday/A Wife for Wilfred/The Girl Who Stood Still”

Posted on February 19, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, exciting and new …. come aboard, they’re expecting you….

Episode 5.18 “His Girls Friday/A Wife for Wilfred/The Girl Who Stood Still”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on February 13th, 1982)

Wilfred (Tom Smothers) is a single guy who tells the crew that he’ll pay $10,000 to whoever helps him find a wife on the cruise. The members of the crew each introduce Wilfred to a different woman and soon, Wilfred has five women following him all over the boat. However, when Isaac hears Wilfred bragging about how he conned the crew into doing all the work for him and how he was lying about the $10,000, the crew hires Marilyn (Connie Stevens), who runs the ship’s flower shop, to pretend to Wilfred’s wife.

Ha! Joke’s on Wilfred! No wait, the joke’s on the crew. Marilyn and Wilfred fall in love. Meanwhile, Julie remains single.

Meanwhile, Howard Ethan (Dick Van Patten) boards the ship with his loyal and superefficient secretary, Doris (Rue McClanahan). Doris is a great secretary but when Howard finds out that Cindy Nevins (Judy Landers) is looking for a secretarial job, he tries to figure out how to get Doris to quit so that he can hire Cindy. Maybe he and Doris could just fall in love. Myself, I wonder why people were always doing work while on The Love Boat. Isn’t a cruise supposed to be a vacation? And yet, every episode seemed to feature someone determined to spend the cruise in their cabin and getting some work done. I appreciate the spirit, I guess. I mean, I write film reviews while I’m on vacation so I guess I can relate. But still, if you’re going to pay for a luxury cruise, wouldn’t you at least want to use it as an excuse to forget about your responsibilities on the mainland?

Finally, Bess Hensinger (Vera Miles) boards the boat with her daughter, Abigail (Denise Miller). Abigail is stunned to learn that Bess invited a boy that Abigail likes to join them on the cruise. How will Jim (James Osmond) react if he discovers that Abigail has …. scoliosis!? This storyline was actually the best of the episode, if just because it was the only one where the male half of the romantic pairing didn’t come across as being totally sleazy. Jim was a genuinely nice guy and, needless to say, he didn’t care that Abigail has scoliosis. Denise Miller give an excellent performance as the insecure Abigail. As an asthmatic teenager, I always dreaded the thought of using my inhaler in front of other people so I could relate to what Abigail was going through. I may not have cared about the other two stories but I was happy things worked out for Jim and Abigail.

One good story out of three is usually not something brag about but Abigail and Jim were such a winning couple that they really did make this episode worth the trouble. Despite Wilfred and Howard, this was a good cruise.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.7 “Heatwave”

Posted on February 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, there’s a heatwave on the beach!

Episode 1.7 “Heatwave”

(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on April 13th, 1996)

A heatwave has hit Santa Monica! Everyone is sweltering and the cameras of Pacific Blue are there to record every drop of sweat. The AC at Chris’s apartment is not working so, while she waits for it to get repaired, she moves in with TC. What will TC’s girlfriend think of that? Actually, she won’t think anything about that because her character disappeared after the pilot.

As I watched this episode, it occurred to me that the show’s writers really seemed to have no idea who the characters actually were. Instead of coming across like actual human beings, every character has one personality trait that the writers insist on hammering into every scene. Chris is always complaining about something. Even after TC offers to let her stay at his apartment, Chris complains. Chris complains so much that it actually becomes a bit whiny on her part. But it’s not really Chris’s fault. It’s the fault of the writers who obviously assumed that writing a “strong woman” meant making her act like a bitch no matter what the situation. TC’s character trait is that he has a permanent chip on his shoulder even though every episode so far has essentially been a TC love fest. He’s second-in-command of the bike cops. He’s never held responsible for his mistakes. He comes from a rich family. Lt. Palermo praises him nonstop. And yet TC always seems like he’s bitter about something. And, as with Chris’s permanent bad mood, it’s just because the show’s writers didn’t bother to give him a personality beyond always acting like he has something to prove. The episodes hints at an attraction between Chris and TC but they would really be a terrible couple.

This episode finds a radio sex therapist (Maura Peters) being stalked by Jordan Crane (Denis Forest, playing the same type of creepy psycho that he played on multiple episodes of Friday the 13th), a listener who is obsessed with her and who murders anyone who he thinks is getting too close to her. TC has a crush on the sex therapist. Chris dislikes the sex therapist and thinks TC is dumb because of course she does. Chris and TC run afoul the homicide detective, Bart Browning (Barry Lynch), who is investigating the case. Browning doesn’t have much respect for cops who ride bicycles. Palermo, Chris, and TC go out of their way to change his mind.

So, yes, this is yet another episode where Pacific Blue tries to convince us that cops on bikes aren’t as dorky and useless as they look. Every time Browning makes fun of them, we get a shot of the bike cops chasing a thief or investigating a lead. The problem is that Browning does have a point. The cops do look really silly on their bikes. The fact that they often have to pick up and carry their bikes doesn’t help. And listen, this is not an anti-bicycle thing. I have a bike, I occasionally ride it in the park. (What I don’t do is ride it in the middle of the street.) When you’ve got asthma like me, cycling is a good way to keep your lungs healthy. But if I need the police, I want to see a squad car and I don’t want to have to deal with anyone wearing shorts.

While this is going on, Victor and Cory investigate a thief who hires strippers to perform in stores and bars. While everyone is distracted, the thief robs the place. This storyline actually did make me laugh a little. All of the male witnesses could perfectly describe the strippers but none of them even saw the man sneaking behind the counter with a gun. In the end, the thief is captured in an elaborate undercover sting. Cory and Chris pretend to be the dancers while Palermo pretends to be the bartender and the thief soon discovers everyone else in the bar is a cop as well. At least in this storyline, Chris’s bad mood had to do with being annoyed with the objectification of women as opposed to being mad because someone offered her a place to stay so she wouldn’t die of heatstroke.

Finally, Elvis discovers a lot of holes on the beach and thinks that the aliens are coming. It turns out that a local golf course was just stealing the sand for their sand traps. I’m glad that worked out!

As much as I’ve complained, this episode of Pacific Blue was a slight improvement over the previous few episodes, if just because the the subplots were vaguely interesting and/or amusing. Chris and TC continue to be the weakest part of the show. Hopefully, they’ll get some new personality traits soon.