Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”

Posted on May 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we visit the other side of the Island.

Episode 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 6th, 1979)

This was a bit of an odd episode.

First off, the official title of the show, for this episode, was Fantasy Island Sunday Special. Usually, Fantasy Island aired on Saturdays. This episode, as you can guess by the title, aired on a Sunday. Secondly, this episode does away with both the plane and Tattoo’s signature cry of “Da Plane Da Plane,” and instead has the guests arrive on the island in a hot air balloon. Tattoo (who is once again seen driving his little car, so I guess he finally recovered it after it was stolen earlier in the season) and Mr. Roarke are joined by a second assistant, Cindy (Kimberly Beck, who readers of this site will probably recognize as the likable lead in films like Massacre at Central High and Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter). At one point, Roarke says that “Cindy helps me on this side of the Island.” If nothing else, this episode confirms that Roarke has multiple assistants and the Island is really, really big.

Actually, it’s a good thing that Cindy is there because Cornelius (Red Buttons) and Alphonse (Billy Barty) have kidnapped Tattoo! Cornelius is a former employee of the Island but he was fired for stealing. When he returns to the Island, he says that his fantasy is to just have a pleasant holiday with his friend Alphonse. However, Cornelius’s real fantasy is to get revenge on Mr. Roarke by abducting Tattoo and holding him for ransom!

Of course, anyone who has been paying attention to the show up to this point knows that Cornelius and Alphonse have made a mistake. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo obviously loathe each other. When Mr. Roarke finds out that Tattoo is being held captive in a conveniently deserted castle, he doesn’t really seem that concerned about it. And Tattoo turns out to be such a disruptive presence that Cornelius is soon begging Roarke to take him back. In the end, Roarke demands money to take Tattoo off of their hands and Cornelius and Alphone end up paying off their debt by working in Fantasy Island’s kitchen. Tattoo is amused by the whole thing, despite the fact that Mr, Roarke was essentially willing to let him die.

Meanwhile, two orphans (Kyle Richards and Michael Anderson, Jr.) are given a chance to pick their new parents. They spend time with two sets of prospective parents. (One of the potential fathers is a magician played by a youngish Regis Philbin.) From the start of the fantasy, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to ask to be adopted by Ruth (Juliet Mills), the head of the adoption agency. And that’s exactly what happens. The episode ends with Ruth and the children boarding a hot air balloon and flying all the way back to America.

As I said, this was a bit of a weird episode, with a new assistant and a hot air balloon. “The other side of the Island” looks a like a theme park. This episode was obviously designed to appeal to children and, for what it’s worth, the IMDb trivia section states that this episode was meant to be a “backdoor pilot” for a version of Fantasy Island that would appeal to children. (I assume Cindy would have been the main character.) Unfortunately, the kidnapping humor is a bit too broad and the adoption storyline is a bit too predictable. Hopefully, next week’s episode will take place on the adult side of the Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.21 “Phenom Blues” and 4.22 “New York Nick”

Posted on May 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Play-offs, baby!

Episode 4.21 “Phenom Blues”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1998)

It’s play-off time and, once again, the Tornadoes are at Indiana State University. Unfortunately, the Tornadoes are having a crisis of confidence because their first game is going to be against a team that has the best player in Indiana. Despite Julie calling them all a bunch of losers for being afraid and the Coach giving them a lot of game tape to watch, the boys are convinced that they’re going to lose and get sent home.

“This is our last night in Bloomington,” Hammer says at one point, “We should at least have some fun!”

Seriously, how can you not have fun in Bloomington?

Michael, Silk, Rico, and Hammer all go to a cow-themed amusement park. Unfortunately, due to a malfunctioning hanging gondola, they nearly plunge to their deaths. A helicopter shows up at the last minute and drops a ladder down to them. Yay, I guess. I don’t know, this was actually kind of dumb and it annoyed me that we only saw the ladder and never the helicopter. I mean, if you’re going to fake an amusement park disaster, spend some money and get a real helicopter!

Julie, meanwhile, spends the night watching game tape and talking to herself about how the other team is good but can be defeated. Even when she’s talking to herself, Julie is condescending.

Finally, Kristy and Coach K. play in a pool tournament. Kristy is playing because she wants to win a bike so that the team can give it to Coach K as a thank you present. Coach K wants to win the bike because his old bike got stolen. Sounds like a win-win, to be honest. Fortunately, Coach K has to forfeit the game so he can help rescue the players at the amusement park. Kristy wins and gives Coach K. the bike that he would have won anyways. Wow, that was suspenseful.

Anyway, having survived a near-death experience, the team is able to win their playoff game. Yay!

This was pretty dumb but it did have one funny scene where, while flipping channels on the TV, Julie comes across an old episode of Saved By The Bell and dismisses it by saying, “I’ve seen all of these 50 times already.” That’s my type of humor right there.

Well, I guess that, in the next episode, we’ll find out if the Tornadoes won that championship or not….

Episode 4.22 “New York Nick”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1998)

The Tornadoes are going to New York!

Wait a minute, what? Aren’t they supposed to be playing for the state championship? It is true that they won a trip to New York when they were in San Antonio but why are they going now? It doesn’t make — eh, forget it. I’m doing trying to justify this show’s messy timeline. Life’s too short and I’m getting a headache.

In New York, Mary Beth and Kristy can’t wait to go shopping at Bloomingdale’s! Julie can’t wait to talk down to everyone! Michael, Silk, and Rico can’t wait to go to a Pacers/Knicks game! And Hammer can’t wait to see his ex-girlfriend, a supermodel named Cindy! He asks Mary Beth for permission and Mary Beth is like, “Sure!” But she doesn’t really mean it. She’s jealous and annoyed and I would have been as well. To be honest, she should have just dumped Hammer right there. I mean, Julie will dump a guy just for having uneven sideburns. Why is Mary Beth always trapped in these go-nowhere relationships?

While eating lunch with Cindy, Hammer is approached by the editor of Teen Life, who wants to put Cindy and Hammer on the cover of their Coolest Couple Issue! Mary Beth says that she doesn’t have a problem with it but when Cindy and Hammer are invited to an industry party, it’s time for Mary Beth, Kristy, and Julie to put on some silly wigs and crash the party! In a fit of jealousy, Mary Beth destroys a cake and loses Hammer the job. So, now …. oh God, this headache is intensifying …. Mary Beth has to find a way to sneak into the editor’s hotel room and talk her into rehiring Hammer. In fact, Mary Beth is so persistent that the editor decides to put Mary Beth on the cover instead of Cindy. File this under things that would never happen in real life.

Meanwhile, at the Knicks/Pacers game, Michael, Rico, and Silk get into a food fight with a Knicks fan who later turns out to be a friend of the coach and …. oh, who cares? The only thing memorable about the game scene is that it was pretty much recreated word-for-word in a later episode of City Guys.

Who won the championship!? Maybe we’ll find out next week.

Retro Television Reviews: The Great Niagara (dir by William Hale)

Posted on May 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s The Great Niagara! It can be viewed on YouTube!

The Great Niagara takes place during the Great Depression.

With the world mired in economic uncertainty and the threat of war right around the corner, people are more desperate than ever for entertainment. One of the latest fads is attempting to conquer the Niagara by going over the falls in some sort of raft. If done correctly, it can lead to fame and fortune. But, if one mistake is made while trying to steer the raft against the rapids and the rocks, it can lead to death. In fact, death is the usual outcome of most people’s efforts to conquer the Niagara. It’s actually illegal to try to ride anything over the falls but people still try to do it and crowds still gather to watch the attempts.

Old Aaron Grant (Richard Boone) is obsessed with conquering the Niagara but, because he’s been injured in too many attempts, all he can do now is sponsor and try to help others who are willing to take the risk. Aaron is the type who will look out at the Niagara and angrily shake his fist. He hates the river and he hates the falls but they’re also the only thing that gives his life meaning. After Aaron’s latest protegee, Ace Tully (Burt Young), fails in his attempt to go over the falls, Aaron starts to put pressure on his sons to make the attempt. Lonnie Grant (Michael Sacks) knows that Aaron has allowed his obsession to drive him mad and he’s also promised his wife, Lois (Jennifer Salt), that he won’t go over the falls. However, Carl Grant (Randy Quaid) is desperate for his father’s approval and it’s not long before he’s getting ready to enter the barrel and risk his life.

The Great Niagara is a short but interesting film. It’s based on historical fact. There’s been a long history of people risking their lives with stunts at Niagara Falls. A few years ago, there was a live television broadcast of someone walking over the falls on a tightrope. It was a huge rating success and it was, of course, sold as a tribute to the human spirit. That said, it’s entirely believable that a good deal of the people watching were doing so because they were curious about what would happen if the guy fell off the wire. By that same token, the crowds that we see in The Great Niagara are far more concerned with seeing someone go over the falls than they are with whether or not that person survives the experience. Richard Boone gives an obsessive, half-mad performance as Aaron and Michael Saks does a good job as the voice of reason. Randy Quaid gives a poignant performance as poor Carl, who is so desperate for his father’s approval that he’s willing to risk his life to try to get it. That said, the true star of the film is the Niagara itself, which is beautiful but obviously dangerous. When Aaron shakes his fist at the falls, it’s hard not to feel that the Niagara isn’t doing the same back at him.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 5/14/23 — 5/20/23

Posted on May 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Barry (Sunday Night, HBO)

The latest episode of Barry scared the Hell out of me. I literally screamed when that person dressed in all black appeared behind Sally. That said, I also laughed at Monroe “The Raven” Fuches and his first few days of freedom. NoHo Hank has apparently made himself into quite a successful businessman but he’s still in denial about the role he played in Cristobal’s death. And, of course, Gene Cousineau remains Gene Cousineau. I just can’t shake the feeling that none of these characters are going to survive the series finale.

Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount Plus)

Beavis and Butt-Head discovered that the secret to being popular was acting depressed. And then they probably rendered themselves sterile with shock treatment. After that, Beavis got rabies. That was kind of disturbing. I’m going to guess that Butt-Head eventually got rabies as well. Oh well.

Black Bird (Apple TV+)

I watched the first four episodes of this true crime miniseries this week. It’s a fascinating show that I’ll write about more after I finish it. Paul Walter Hauser is extremely unsettling as Larry. Taron Egerton has the charisma of an old school movie star. This show also showcases the late Ray Liotta in the role of Egerton’s loving father. The role allows Liotta to show his kind side, along with the tough side that he was best known for. Along with everything else that makes this show memorable, it serves as a tribute to Liotta’s skill as an actor.

Forgive or Forget (YouTube)

Laurie Sue appeared on the show to confess to her husband that she had cheated on him with her first cousin and that she had subsequently danced and stripped at a laundry mat. He forgave her. Personally, I suspect that they were both lying about what happened and just wanted a chance to appear on television. Laurie Sue’s story was followed by two men who cheated on their pregnant fiancées. Mother Love helped everyone work out their problems. “Never underestimate the power of forgiveness!” Mother Love declared while the audience applauded. I suspect Mother Love may have been a cult leader.

On Monday, I watched an episode featuring a teenage moron named Andrew who trashed the house while his father was in the hospital, having his toe amputated. His father forgave him, even though Andrew definitely did not deserve it.

I Remember Gorgeous George (YouTube)

This was a 1980s documentary about pro-wrestling. I watched it on Sunday morning. I’m not really a wrestling fan but, that said, I can appreciate it as a unique example of Americana.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

This uneven season came to an end with a heavy-handed look at gun control. Basically, the message of this week’s episode was that it’s okay to kill someone as long as you have the right political beliefs. Once again, justice was pushed to the side because of Price’s PTSD. Seriously, what a disappointing way to end the season.

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

On Saturday morning, I watched a 30-minute profile of the band Bananarama.

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

“I can’t believe my kid’s a skinhead!” was the title of the episode that I watched on Sunday and indeed, the parents were shocked. Sally lost control of the audience early on. I followed this up with an episode called “Serial Killer Fan Vs. Victims Families.” Yikes!

On Tuesday, I was in a bad mood so I watched an episode called “My Teen Is Going To End Up A Criminal.” Wow, those teens had some issues! And I bet they did all end up as criminals.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about Survivor here!

Take Off To Comedy IX (Night Flight Plus)

I watched this 90s special on Friday night. It was a collection of comedy clips, including a stand-up comedian talking about why he gave up cocaine. Just from his manic delivery, I don’t think he ever gave up cocaine.

Waco: The Aftermath (Showtime)

I watched the remaining episodes of Waco: The Aftermath this week. I understand that the show has apparently not been well-received by critics. I’m going to guess that’s because the show was ultimately as a critical of the government as it was of its enemies. To me, the show provided a look at how the efforts to combat the monster often make the monster even stronger.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

I’m now caught up with Yellowjackets. Of course, I knew that Shauna’s baby was not going to survive but that didn’t make the episode any less powerful or sad or unsettling. This season has definitely been a bit more uneven than the first season but it’s still a very intriguing show.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.12 “Graduation” and 5.13 “A Band Divided”

Posted on May 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the Dreams graduate!

Episode 5.12 “Graduation”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 22nd, 1996)

Graduation approaches and Mark is freaking out because he’s never had the courage to ask out Sarah (Tara Reid …. yes, that Tara Reid). When he finally works up the courage to ask her if she might want to go out with him, she says maybe and asks what he has in mind.

“Well, the school’s hosting a clean-and-sober graduation party….” Mark starts.

“I want beer!” Sarah replies.

And you know what? Mark’s a nice guy but that invitation seriously was kind of dorky. I don’t even drink and I would have totally rolled my eyes in high school if anyone had invited me to “a clean-and-sober graduation party.”

Sarah’s reaction should have been enough to let Mark know that they wouldn’t make a good couple but poor Mark. Over the course of three seasons, he has yet to have a real girlfriend. He’s desperate! He invites Sarah to the graduation party that he’s decided to throw at Lorena’s loft. And he’s also decided that there will be beer at the party! This despite the fact that Mark and the Dreams have just attended a school assembly where Principal Blumford (Earl Boen) warned against the dangers of teenage drinking. Someone is definitely not mature enough to leave high school yet!

And Mark’s proves that he’s not mature enough by getting drunk at the party, trying to drive to the beach with Sarah, and crashing into a ditch. Mark gets arrested, loses his license for a year, and — as he explains at graduation — he’ll have to do community service, attends alcohol classes, and pay a fine. Sarah ends up in the hospital and misses graduation. Mark explains that she has two broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a concussion. HOW DEEP WAS THAT DITCH!? At the ceremony, Principal Blumford announces that “to say I’m disappointed in some of you for what happened last night would be an understatement….” Dude, everyone knows you’re talking about Mark. Way to make him feel bad at his own high school graduation! Sam forgoes giving her valedictorian speech so that Mark can take to the stage and apologize. Way to make graduation awkward for everyone!

Oh well. At least graduation works out for everyone else. Jake and Tiffani make a model castle so that they can pass their history class and avoid summer school.

Anyway, this was a depressing episode but I support any show that tries to keep people from drinking and driving. Plus, the Dreams finally graduated! Yay!

Episode 5.13 “A Band Divided”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 30th, 1996)

Again, yay! This episode opens with the He’s So Funky song!

Unfortunately, the song is so great that it proves to be too powerful for the band’s amp, which explodes on stage. It’s going to cost the Dreams a thousand dollars to get a new amp. Lorena offers to loan them the money, in return for the band making her co-manager with her boyfriend Sly. Sly is actually okay with the idea. “A lot of great couple have worked together,” he says, “Sonny and Cher …. Bonnie and Clyde….”

Sly and Lorena’s first task is to convince the head of the School Dance committee to hire the Dreams to play at the next school dance and….

WAIT A MINUTE! THE DREAMS GRADUATED LAST EPISODE! SCHOOL’S OVER!

Once again, when it came to maintaining continuity by showing the episodes in the proper order, NBC just didn’t care.

Anyway, to the surprise of no one, Lorena and Sly struggle to figure out how to work together and soon, the Dreams have absolutely no gigs! Jake tells them a story about two brothers who both became king and who had to learn how to rule together. This leads to a lengthy fantasy sequence in which everyone gets to wear Renaissance Faire costumes that cause the studio audience to go crazy with each entrance. Unfortunately, the story doesn’t do much good because, rather than learning to compromise, Sly and Lorena demand that the Dreams pick only one of them to be the manager.

To me, Lorena is the obvious choice because she has the best hair. Mark says that he can’t choose because “Sly and Lorena are both our friends.” Uhmm, Mark …. Sly is also your cousin. (This is one of those facts that the show often seemed to forget about.) Tiffani suggests that they let some old surfer dude make the selection. It’s kind of amazing that the Dreams have stayed together as long as they have because none of them appear to be that smart.

Anyway, the old surfer names Lorena as manager and then says that, since he did her a favor, she should do him a favor and have the Dreams play his party for free. Lorena says that’s not a fair arrangement and then Sly jumps up and says it’s not a fair arrangement and the old surfer explains that it was all a trick to make them realize how much they loved the band and he rules that they should both be co-managers. I’m glad that worked out!

This was a silly episode but I enjoyed it. Sly and Lorena are a fun couple and there was a funny B-plot in which Jake tried to rewire Lorena’s house in order to make the new amp work. Jay Anthony Franke was always at his best when the show gave him a chance to balance Jake’s innate coolness with Jake’s general incompetence.

Next week, we have the final two episodes! I’m going to miss the Dreams.

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.2 “Out-of-Time Step”

Posted on May 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on Tubi!

The adventures of John Peter McAllister and Max Keller continue!

That’s right, the search for McAllister’s daughter is still on and Max is still learning how to be a ninja. But, before we get to their latest adventure, it’s time to enjoy the opening credits!

Episode 1.2 “Out-of-Time Step”

(Dir by Ray Austin, originally aired on January 27th, 1984)

“Hi, I’m Max Keller and this is how I spend my mornings….” Max Keller tells us in voice over as we watch footage of Max (Timothy Van Patten) balancing on a rope that’s been tied between two trees. Yes, Max is still our narrator and John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is still training him to become a ninja. Max is also still traveling in his van and with his hamster.

At the end of the previous episode, Max and McAllister were heading down to Atlanta to search for McAllister’s daughter. At the start of this episode, we discover that they are in San Francisco, investigating a lead that McAllister’s daughter may have danced at a club called Truffles. So, did they go to Atlanta or did they just change their mind and decide to stick around California? More to the point, did NBC say, “Hey, we’re not paying for you people to go out of state?”

Anyway, Truffles turns out to be a club that’s owned by Charlie Patterson (Charles Collins), a former film star who has fallen on hard times. (Charles Collins was a real-life dancer and when Patterson watches footage of a screen test that his character supposedly did for a Hollywood production, the footage is actually of Collins performing in a 1936 film called Dancing Pirate.) Patterson has two daughters. Kelly (Shanna Reed) is a dancer who thrills the club’s patrons every time she steps out onto the stage. The other, Jill (Lori Lethin), uses a wheelchair. Jill tells Charlie that he’s “an ex-hoofer with two daughters, one who wheels and one who does cartwheels.”

Upon arriving at Truffles, Max and McAllister discover that Charlie is being intimidated by Chinatown gangster, Johnny Chan (Brian Toshi) and Chan’s main enforcer, Mr. Lika (Soon-Tek Oh). Mr. Lika spots McAllister’s medallion and realizes that McAllister is a trained ninja. McAllister spots Mr. Lika’s ring and realizes that Mr. Lika is a member of the Yakuza. This establishes a mutual respect between the two of them, one that inevitably leads to a final battle between Soon-Tek Oh and Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double.

Of course, McAllister does more than just fight Mr. Lika. He also encourages Jill to stand up from her wheelchair and take a few steps. And when Johnny Chan has Kelly kidnapped, he and Max rescue her. (But not before Johnny shouts at her, “You’re a dancer! DANCE!”) It leads to a lot of action scenes but it doesn’t bring them any closer to McAllister’s daughter.

This episode wasn’t bad, largely because Soon-Tek Oh and Lee Van Cleef got a chance to face off. Even if all of the actual fighting was done by Van Cleef’s stunt double, it’s still undeniably fun to watch these two icons glare at each other and exchange tough guy dialogue. Plus, there was a lot of dancing! I always appreciate any show that finds room for more than one dance number, even if they are obviously lifted from Flashdance.

As I mentioned earlier, this episode ended with McAllister and Max nowhere close to finding McAllister’s daughter. But Max promised that they could keep looking. I’m sure they’ll find her. It’s not like America is that big.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.24 “El-Brain” and 4.25 “Pier Pressure”

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the city guys finally leave the city for a while. Drama follows.

Episode 4.24 “El-Brain”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 16th, 2000)

On Wikipedia, this episode’s plot is described as follows: “El-Train enters the Science Fair to prove that he’s smarter than everyone, including Jamal, who thinks he isn’t.” Unfortunately, this is one of the episodes that is not streaming anywhere online so I haven’t been able to watch it. Interestingly. the title of this episode would seem to indicated that I’ve been referring to L-Train by the wrong name all this time.

Well, he’ll always be L-Train to me. And I hope he did well at the science fair. I’m also going to assume that Jamal learned a lesson about judging people.

Episode 4.25 “Pier Pressure”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 16th, 2000)

Chris has got access to his father’s vacation home for the weekend so the kids are going to the Hamptons!

Everyone is super excited about the idea of going out on Chris’s father’s yacht. The only problem is that the yacht’s captain has called in sick. Fortunately, Chris knows how to sail. He, Cassidy, Dawn, and Al take the yacht out for a spin. As you can probably guess, this leads to one disaster after another. First off, Al forgets to pack the food because he’s tired of Dawn trying to micromanage his life. Secondly, Chris and Al turn out to be not quite the expert fishermen that they claimed to be. Third, after turning off the engine, Chris can’t figure out how to drop the anchor. Fourth, the boat floats until it hits a sandbar. Fifth, the boat runs out of gas. Sixth, the boat runs out of power. Seventh, Al announces that everyone is going to starve to death. That does seem like a distinct possibility but at least they’ll get to experience a little bit of the yacht life before they die. Plus, if they die, the show will be over and I can start watching something better.

Meanwhile, Jamal and L-Train invite two women up to the house, which they now claim to own. The women make themselves comfortable in the living room. Suddenly, Ms. Noble and Billy show up! What are they doing there!? It turns out that they’re spending the weekend at the Hamptons as well and they just decided to stop by. Seriously, school’s out. It’s the weekend! No one wants to see their principal on the weekend! And really, I am kind of suspicious of any principal who would decide to just drop in on their students during they’re own vacation. That’s weird.

Fortunately, it all works out in the end. Jamal suddenly notices that Chris, Al, Dawn, and Cassidy haven’t come home. The coast guard is called. Everyone lives! Yay! This is the type of episode that I can’t stand, where every problem is the result of people just being unbelievably stupid. But at least it only lasted 30 minutes or so.

Next week, season 4 ends!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.14 “Julie Falls Hard / Double Wedding / The Dummies”

Posted on May 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Welcome aboard. Don’t expect much from your cruise this week.

Episode 2.14 “Julie Falls Hard / Double Wedding / The Dummies”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on December 16th, 1978)

Agck! It’s the most horrifying episode in the history of the Love Boat!

Your eyes do not deceive you. There are indeed two ventriloquists on this week’s cruise. Married entertainers Patti Harmon (Ruth Buzzi) and Michael Harmon (Sid Caesar) have been hired to amuse the ship’s passengers. Unfortunately, they’ve recently separated. Patti thinks that Michael is incapable of expressing his emotions unless he’s carrying around his dummy. And it turns out that she’s right because Michael really does carry that dummy around with him everywhere and he has frequent conversations with it. Even when Michael inevitably apologizes for being a bad husband and asks Patti for another chance, he has to use the dummy to do it.

Seriously, it’s creepy! I mean, everything works out in the end. Michael and Patti decide to give their marriage a second chance and their dummies end up kissing as well. But seriously, ventriloquist dummys are just weird. Have you seen that episode of The Twilight Zone where the guy tries to switch one dummy out for another so the original dummy gets mad and destroys his replacement? Have you seen the classic Anthony Hopkins film, Magic? CREEPY!

Of course, this episode features not just the scariest story in Love Boat history. It also features the stupidest. Two twins (Cyb Barnstable and Trish Barnstable) board the cruise with their fiancés (played by David Nelson and Fred Travelena). No one can tell the twins apart! Not even Isaac!

Anyway, the twins worry that they might be making a mistake because it seems like each one is marrying a man with the opposite personality. The twin who likes to stay up late is engaged to the man who goes to bed early. The twin who likes to be responsible and level-headed is engaged to man who is wild and unpredictable. So, when the twins disembark the boat so that they can get married in Mexico, they decide to switch places on their wedding day. But then when the twins return to the boat with their new husbands, they decide that they made a mistake so they switch back. They can do that because they’re twins! Seriously, that’s the entire story.

Bleh! This was so stupid. Even writing about it was painful.

Finally, Julie’s in love!

Jack Chenault (Tony Roberts) is taking the cruise with his two young daughters and, when he sees Julie, it’s love at first sight. The daughters wants their Dad to marry Julie as well. One of the daughters is played by a very young Melora Hardin, who would grow up to play Jan Levinson on The Office.

After knowing Julie for one day, Michael announces that he’s in love with her and he wants her to come live with him in Alaska. Julie is tempted but ultimately, she can’t leave her life on the boat behind. Jack is heart-broken but Julie promises to see him the next time that she’s in Alaska. So, I imagine we will never hear about Jack again.

This third storyline wasn’t bad. Especially when compared to the other two, it was actually sweet and rather touching. It helps that Tony Roberts gave a convincing performance Jack. That said, asking someone to marry you after only knowing them for one day? Unless you’re a young king looking to legitimize the Treaty of Troyes, that’s never a good idea.

This week’s cruise was not a good one. Hopefully, next week’s will be less scary and less dumb.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.22 “The Comic/The Golden Hour”

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Fantasy Island brings us a mix of crime and comedy!

Episode 2.22 “The Comic/The Golden Hour”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired May 5th, 1979)

Since this series began, I’ve been wondering what the legal status of Fantasy Island is. Is it a territory of the United States? Is it a part of the British Commonwealth? Is it an independent nation? Finally, in this episode, the question is answered. Fantasy Island is an independent nation, though one that appears to be closely aligned to the United States. And Mr. Roarke is the sole legal authority. In short, Mr. Roarke is a bit of a dictator and the Island’s laws are pretty much determined by his whims.

This becomes apparent when a plane is forced to make an emergency landing on the island. The plane is carrying a prisoner named Mike Banning (Michael Parks) to the United States. When Federal Marshall Victor Grennan (Morgan Woodward) announces that there is no way he’s going to let Mike out of his handcuffs, Mr. Roarke announces that he’s in charge of the Island and, on the Island, no one is handcuffed. Reluctantly, Grennan sets Mike free.

It also turns out that Mr. Roarke had a specific reason for wanting Mike on the island. While in prison, he developed a pen pal relationship with a woman named Sandy Larson (Toni Tennille). Mike’s letters provided a lot of comfort to Sandy after an auto accident left her in a wheelchair. In fact, Sandy is in love with Mike and she’s on the Island! Roarke arranges for Mike and Sandy to finally meet face-to-face. Unfortunately, Sandy is self-conscious about her wheelchair and Mike feels like he’s a loser with no future. Mike even tries to escape at one point, running through the jungle until he’s eventually captured by the Marshal. Still, despite all of that, Mike and Sandy realize that they really do love each other. Mike is willing to finish out his three years in prison if it means that Sandy will be waiting for him on the outside. Fortunately, a bit Deus ex Machina comes into play as evidence is miraculously found that proves that Mike wrongfully convicted. Yay!

While all of that’s going on, joke writer Jerry Burton (Fred Grandy) fantasizes about quitting his job working for comedic legend Danny Baker (Jack Carter) and instead pursuing a stand-up career of his own. Mr. Roarke arranges for Jerry to perform at a bar on the northside of the Island. Roarke explains that the bar is popular with the workers at the local pineapple plantation. (See? We’re learning even more about the Island!) However, when the bar is shut down due to a brawl, Jerry instead finds himself performing at the big Fantasy Island talent show. In fact, he’ll even be substituting for Danny, who was scheduled to host but has been held up on another part of the Island.

At first, Jerry bombs. He has no confidence. But then Danny joins him on stage and they bring down the house. Jerry and Danny arrived on the Island as employee and employer but now, they’re leaving a comedy team. Yay! Plus. Jerry reconnects with his old high school girlfriend (Pat Klous). Yay again!

The comedy stuff was fun, largely because Fred Grandy was as likable and goofy here as he was as Gopher on the The Love Boat. However, what really made this episode memorable was the method intensity that Michael Parks brought to the role of Mike Banning. While all the other guest stars goof around and enjoy the scenery, Parks plays his role with a seething rage. It’s unexpected but it works.

All in all, this was a good episode. The combination of Fred Grandy and Michael Parks turned out to be just what Fantasy Island needed.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.19 “Rocky Road To The Playoffs” and 4.20 “Kristy Nightingale”

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The championship is approaching, yet again! Hang time!

Episode 4.19 “Rocky Road To The Playoffs”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 14th, 1998)

It’s that time of year again! The team just has to win one more game to make it to the playoffs. Unfortunately, because Michael has been distracted, it’s starting to look like it might not happen. It turns out that Michael has gotten a really bad report card, one that has more C’s than B’s. His father has said that Michael can only play basketball as long as he keeps his grades up. Technically, C’s are passing so I’m not really sure what the problem is but whatever.

After Michael has a shouting match with his father, Coach K says that, while he sympathizes with Michael, he can’t let him play in the big game because Michael has got too much on his mind. As a result, the Tornadoes finish the first half of the game with the score tied! Fortunately, Michael’s father shows up during halftime and has a conversation with his son. Michael agrees to go to summer school and his father says that Michael can keep playing. Michael enters the game during the second half and — yay! The Tornadoes win!

Actually, that’s not a surprise. The Tornadoes haven’t lost an important game since the second season.

While this is going on, Mary Beth and Kristy play a game of one-and-one basketball in order to win a car. It wasn’t a terrible B-plot. Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto were always at their best when they got to do something ridiculous together.

This wasn’t a bad episode. I don’t think there was ever any doubt that the Tornadoes would win that game but the episode finally gave Adam Frost something to do and Frost proved himself to be a better actor than one might have previously expected. All in all, this was a good episode. Even Julie was a little less self-centered than usual. Way to go, Hang Time!

Episode 4.20 “Kristy Nightingale”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 14th, 1998)

Meanwhile, back at the camp….

KRISTY NEARLY KILLS RICO!

Well, seriously, can you blame her? I mean, what do we know about Rico? First, he got addicted to marijuana. (Seriously, do you have any idea how much weed you have to smoke to get addicted to a non-addictive drug?) Secondly, he freaked out because he was dating a tall girl. Finally, at camp, Rico got stung by a bee. Kristy, who is apparently now working as the camp’s nurse, removes the stinger but she doesn’t realize that you’re supposed to keep an eye on someone after they get stung by a bee. Instead, she sends Rico back to his cabin, where Rico nearly dies as a result of an allergic reaction! Luckily, there’s a real doctor at the camp and she gives Rico a shot that saves his life.

Kristy feels terrible. Everyone tells her that she’s being too hard on herself, despite the fact that Kristy did nearly kill someone. Kristy worries that she might not be cut out to be a doctor and, again, that would seem like a fair assessment considering that she nearly killed someone. Still, all the members of the team start faking injuries so that Kristy can fix them. Awww, that’s nice of them! Unfortunately, Kristy overhears everyone talking about how they faked all of their injuries and she loses her confidence again. Fortunately, Michael makes himself useful by breaking his arm for real and Kristy gets to help him and regain her confidence.

WAY TO GO, MICHAEL!

While all of this is going on, the counselors engage in a prank war and remind me of why I’m glad to have never gone to any sort of camp.

As far as the basketball camp episodes are concerned, this was an okay one. But Hang Time is a show that is at it’s best when it focuses on high school. Hopefully, this is the last of this season’s camp episodes.

We’ll find out next week!