Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s A Tattered Web! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Sgt. Ed Stagg (Lloyd Bridges) is a good cop and an overprotective father. Ever since his wife left him, Ed has been determined to make sure that his daughter, Tina (Sallie Shockley), has a good life. So, as you can probably guess, Ed is not amused when he finds out that Tina’s husband, Steve (Frank Converse), has been cheating on her with Louise Campbell (Anne Helm). Ed has never liked Steve and would love it if his daughter left him. But, Ed still doesn’t want want Tina to have to go through the pain of knowing that her husband is seeing another woman.
Ed decides to drop by Louise’s apartment and talk to her himself. Louise, however, is not willing to let some old stranger tell her how to live her life. After all, she’s heard from Steve about what a terrible and judgmental father-in-law Ed is. Ed gets frustrated and shoves Louise. Louise stumbles back, hits her head, and …. uh-oh. Louise is dead! To be honest, it didn’t really look like she hit her head that hard. In fact, I had to rewatch the scene to see if she actually hit her head at all. But no matter. Louise is dead and Ed’s responsible.
The next morning, when Ed and his partner, Joe (Murray Hamilton), are called in to investigate Louise’s homicide, Ed is approached by Louise’s neighbor (John Fiedler), who gives him a description of a young man who he says he frequently saw going up to Louise’s apartment. The description perfectly describes Steve. The police sketch artist draws a picture that looks like just like Steve. Joe thinks that Steve is responsible. Not wanting his daughter to think that her husband’s a murderer, Ed decides to frame Willard Edson (Broderick Crawford), an alcoholic who frequently comes into the station and confesses to crimes so that he can have a place to sleep for the night.
Yes, it’s a tattered web indeed. Ed is able to talk Edson into confessing to the crime but then Steve does his own detective work and realizes that Edson couldn’t be the murderer. Ed tells Steve that he should just let the police arrest Edson because, otherwise, they’re going to come after Steve. Steve, however, says that he would rather be arrested and be given a chance to prove his innocence than just stand by idly while an innocent man goes to jail. Being a veteran cop, Ed wasn’t expecting everyone to be so damn honest!
A Tattered Web isn’t bad for a 70-minute made-for-TV movie. The film’s main strength is the cast, with Lloyd Bridges, Murray Hamilton, and especially Broderick Crawford giving strong performances. The scene where Ed talks Edson into confession is especially well-done, with Crawford giving a performance of growing desperation while Bridges himself appears to be on the verge of tears as Ed realizes what his life has become. Like his sons Jeff and Beau, Lloyd Bridges is such a likable actor that it’s hard not to care about what happens to the characters that he’s playing, even when he’s playing a murderer. A Tattered Web is an effective thriller that reminds viewers that guilt cannot be escaped.
I finished up Andor this week and I was surprised by not only how intelligent the show was but also how much I enjoyed it. Usually, Star Wars stuff tends to bore me to tears but Andor was full of interesting characters, exciting action, and even a few memorable exchanges of dialogue. The show took itself seriously without ever becoming dull. Diego Luna gave a strong performance in the title role and really, the entire cast impressed. On a personal note, one reason why I enjoyed it is because it didn’t get bogged down in all of the usual Star Wars mythology. As such, even an outsider like me could follow what was going on.
Beavis and Butt-Head (Thursday, Paramount Plus)
“Those boys sure do die a lot,” I thought as I watched last week’s episode of Beavis and Butt-Head on Thursday. The first segment on that episode, which featured Beavis and Butt-Head becoming hoarders, ended with their skeletons being discovered on their couch and then dumped into a dumpster without anyone bothering to even ask who they had been in life. The second segment ended with Beavis finding inner peace via acupuncture. Beavis enjoyed having the needles in his face so much that he ended up sticking a bunch of thumb tacks and sewing needles everywhere else on his body. The episode ended with Beavis apparently castrating himself. Fortunately, that happened offscreen.
This week’s episode featured even more hardship for Beavis. Jealous because Butt-Head got to wear a stupid costume at work, Beavis made his own stupid uniform and eventually got beaten up. (It’s too complicated to explain in a capsule review but it was all Butt-Head’s fault.) This was followed by one of Tom Anderson’s stories about the Korean War and a segment in which Old Beavis and Butt-Head got a job working at a warehouse that was owned by a company that was totally not Amazon. Needless to say, the warehouse burned down by the end of the day.
Bubblegum Crisis (NightFlight+)
As usual, I can’t truthfully that I was able to follow the plot of the episode of Bubblegum Crisis that I watched on Saturday morning. But the explosions were plentiful and the animation was stylish. Sometimes, you don’t have to know what’s going on.
I’m not sure why I missed the 31st season of Dancing With The Stars when it originally aired but, with the Emmys approaching, I finally watched it this week. It was pretty good, though I think Gabby and Val should have won.
I watched an episode on Sunday night. It was from the Robin Givens years. Parents demanded that their out-of-control teens sign a contract promising to no longer be out-of-control. One teen signed and the others dramatically ripped the contracts into little pieces. Robin yelled at all of them. I doubt it made much difference in the long run but it probably made the parents feel better (or worse as the case may be.)
I Think You Should Leave With Tim Robinson (Netflix)
I binged the latest season on Wednesday night. “This guy is trying to start a pay it forward chain!” made me laugh so hard that I nearly fell off my couch.
On Friday night, I watched an episode of this 1984 episode of this show. It was all about music videos based on movies. Among the videos that they showed was the one for Relax from Frankie Goes To Hollywood. From what I’ve seen, it appears that the people behind Night Flight were always looking for an excuse to show that video.
U.S. Open Golf (Sunday, NBC)
Congratulations to Wyndham Clark! As always, I thought the course looked lovely.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox/Tubi)
At the same time that I was binging the latest season of Dancing With The Stars, I was also watching what might be the last season of So You Think You Can Dance. As always, I enjoyed the dancing but everything was pretty much overshadowed by the whole Matthew Morrison thing. Personally, I always found Matthew Morrison’s performance to be the most annoying thing about Glee so I wasn’t particularly sad to see him step down as a judge on this show.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Freddie wants to get married and Epstein loses his confidence.
Episode 1.7 “Classroom Marriage”
(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 21st, 1975)
In their cluttered little apartment, Julie is shocked to discover that Gabe is not only awake at midnight but that he’s also sitting out on the fire escape with a basketball. Gabe explains that he’s depressed. He knows that there’s something going on with the Sweathogs but none of them trust him enough to come to him. In a perfect example of “Be careful what you wish for,” the phone rings.
Julie answers the phone and tells Gabe, “It’s Boom Boom.”
“Boom Boom who?” Gabe replies.
Of course, it’s Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington. Freddie says that he and his girlfriend need Gabe’s advice and that they’re on their way over. No sooner has the call ended then someone knocks on the door. Julie answers it and Vinnie, wearing a trench coat, rushes into the apartment.
After explaining that he can’t afford to be seen talking to a teacher, Vinnie explains that Freddie is planning on getting married. Suddenly, someone else knocks on the door. Vinnie hides in the bathroom.
Rosalie Tosty (Debralee Scott) enters the apartment, wearing a trench coat because she doesn’t want anyone to see her talking to a teacher. She explains that Freddie is getting married. Someone knocks on the door. Rosalie says she’ll hide in the bathroom.
“Vinnie’s in there!” Julie says.
Rosalie smiles and says that’s fine before joining him.
Kotter opens the door and Epstein, wearing a trench coat and a fake mouth on the back of his head, enters the apartment. Epstein says that Freddie is getting married and Vinnie is driving everyone crazy with his attempts to talk Freddie out of it. Someone knocks on the door. Epstein hides in a closet.
Again, Kotter opens the door. Horseshack enters, wearing a gorilla mask. He explains that he’s fine with Freddie getting married because he thinks it’s very romantic. Someone knocks on the door. Horseshack ducks out the window and hides on the fire escape.
Once again, the door is opened. Freddie enters, accompanied by his girlfriend Vernajean (Vernee Watson). Freddie explains that they’re getting married because Vernajean’s father is moving to Staten Island and Freddie can’t stand the thought of her living in a different borough. Gabe attempts to talk them out of getting married by talking about how difficult it would be for them to even find someone in New York City to marry them. “I mean,” Gabe says, “you could lie about your age and go to Maryland but….”
Freddie smiles. “We could lie about our age and go to Maryland!” Freddie thanks Gabe for the advice and then leaves.
This whole sequence is an example of the first season of Welcome Back, Kotter at its best. Yes, it’s very busy and frantic but the entire cast shows off perfect comedic timing, from John Travolta and Debralee Scott to Robert Hegyes and Ron Palillo. Robert Hegyes is especially funny as he captures Epstein’s mix of earnest eccentricity. And, to top it all off, the expression of Gabe’s face when he realizes that he’s accidentally convinced Freddie to get married is simply priceless.
Fear not. The next day in class, Gabe has Freddie and Vernajean do an exercise where they pretend to be married. They’re able to handle having Horseshack as their son but the pretend marriage pretty much falls apart as soon as Gabe shows up and demands that they pay him the rent. In the end, Freddie admits that he only asked Vernajean to marry him because he was afraid that she would forget about him after she moved to Staten Island. Vernajean assures him that could never happen. Awwwwww!
This was a sweet and funny episode. When Gabe ended the episode with a corny joke about his astronaut uncle, Buzz Kotter, you couldn’t help but feel that Gabe had earned the right to make his little joke. He did a good job.
Episode 1.8 “One Of Our Sweathogs Is Missing”
(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 28th, 1975)
Gabe tells Julie a rather macabre joke about his uncle who is marrying his fourth wife. Julie asks about the other three wives. Gabe explains that the first and second wives died from eating poisoned mushrooms and the third died from a fractured skull “because she wouldn’t eat the poisoned mushrooms.” Yikes! It’s hard not to feel that Gabe was warning Julie about rolling her eyes at any more of his jokes.
Meanwhile, at the school, the Sweathogs are excited when Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen) challenges Epstein to a fight. However, they are shocked when Epstein — voted most likely to take a life — is easily beaten by Ludlow. After Vinnie, Freddie, and Horseshack have a good laugh over Epstein and his black eye, Epstein runs off and disappears for three days.
Feeling guilty, Barbarino sets up Epstein Central in the classroom:
Mr. Woodman comes by, searching for his red phone. When the phone rings, Woodman insists on answer it himself.
It turns out that Julie is calling for Gabe, in order to tell him that Epstein has shown up at their apartment and locked himself in the bathroom. While Gabe heads home, Julie asks Epstein if he wants anything to drink. Epstein replies that he’s not worthy of anything good to drink but he would happily accept a flat and warm beverage.
Fortunately, Gabe shows up. Epstein agrees to come out of the bathroom as long as Gabe promises not to look at him. While Gabe stares at the lamp, Epstein explains that he only came by the apartment to say goodbye. He feels that his fearsome reputation was the only thing that Epstein had going for him. (Awwwww! Poor Epstein!) Gabe finally looks away from the lamp and tells Epstein that he’s a smart and energetic young man with a lot of potential. Seriously, this scene was so achingly sincere and well-acted by Gabe Kaplan and Robert Hegyes that it was impossible not to be touched by it.
Anyway, it all works out in the end. The other Sweathogs show up on Gabe’s fire escape and they declare their friendship for Epstein. Epstein agrees not to run away. He calls home and tells his mother that he’s okay. His mother tells him to have dinner with the Kotters because his family has already eaten that day. The audience laughs but that’s actually one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.
With everything resolved, Gabe tells Julie a story about his Uncle Bernie, who never took a bath.
Like the one that preceded it, this was a funny and surprisingly sweet episode. Welcome Back, Kotter is turning out to be a lot better than I was expecting.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!
This week, Lee Van Cleef gets a chance to show off what he can do!
Episode 1.7 “Juggernaut”
(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on March 16th, 1984)
This week’s episode of The Master opens with Max’s totally groovy van driving across what appears to be farmland. Judging from the mountains in the background, it appears that they are back in California. (If they did mention their specific location during this episode, I missed it.) Last week, as you may remember, Max and McAllister were looking for McAllister’s daughter in Louisiana. Now, they’re apparently just hanging out in California again. It’s odd that McAllister left behind his life in Japan so that he could come to America to find his daughter but, now that he’s actually in America, there doesn’t really seem to be any sense of urgency when it comes to actually tracking her down.
Inside the van, McAllister informs Max that he’s concerned about the way that Max is always losing his temper and starting fights. Max promises that there will be no more unprovoked fights on his part. When they stop in front of a local bar, Max says he’s going to get a beer but he also promises McAllister that he will not be getting tossed through the bar’s window.
Five minutes later:
Now, in all fairness, it isn’t totally Max’s fault that he got thrown through that window. Max went in the bar and saw Alan Kane (veteran TV and movie bad guy William Smith) harassing Cat Sinclair (Tara Buckman). When Max told Alan to back off, Alan challenged Max to a fight. Max was forced to explain that he’s not allowed to fight. Cat rolled her eyes and then Alan tossed Max through the window. Seeing that his protegee is in trouble, McAllister enters the bar, beats up Alan, and saves Max and Cat.
Even though Cat is not impressed with Max’s refusal to fight, she still gets in his van and allows him to give her a ride home. It turns out that Cat and her mother, Maggie (Diana Muldaur), are farmers but an evil land baron named Hellman (Stuart Whitman) is trying to intimidate them off their land. Alan works for Hellman and, because of him and his thugs, none of the farmers have been able to get their crops to market.
Both Cat and Maggie refuse to accept any help from Max and McAllister so our heroes get back in their totally happening van and try to leave town. However, when one of Hellman’s truckers runs the love van off the road, the engine is damaged and the local mechanic informs Max that it will take 48 hours to fix it. Stranded in town, Max searches for proof that Hellman’s trucker was the one who ran them off the road. Meanwhile, McAllister returns to the farm and, turning on some of that Lee Van Cleef charm, proceeds to fall in love with Maggie.
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s because, with the exception of McAllister falling in love, it’s pretty much the same thing that happened in not only the first episode but also the third episode. Max and McAllister have an uncanny talent for randomly wandering into towns that are controlled by evil businessmen. Just as the first and third episodes featured Max giving impassioned speeches about the rights of the workers, this episode features McAllister giving a speech at a meeting in a barn.
While McAllister is giving his speech, Max is getting arrested for snooping around Hellman’s property. Fortunately, McAllister puts on a fake beard and breaks him out of jail. McAllister then directs the farmers to form a convoy and to work together to get their crops to market. Though Alan attempts to set off a bunch of explosives on the way, McAllister uses a cropduster to fool Alan into setting off the explosions early. Then, Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double beats up Hellman. McAllister and Max congratulate each other on a job well done.
Having saved the farmers and beaten up the bad guys, it’s time for Max and McAllister to once again continue their journey across America. McAllister may love Maggie but he still needs to (eventually) find his daughter so he gets in the Chevy van and waves goodbye.
As I said before, this episode felt very familiar. It’s probably not a good sign that, after just seven episodes, The Master was pretty much repeating itself. That said, the episode did feature the great William Smith playing yet another rural bully and Stuart Whitman always made for a convincing villain. With Max sidelined by McAllister’s demand that he stop fighting, Lee Van Cleef got his moment to shine in this episode. He was obviously frail, making it all the more obvious that his fight scenes involved a stunt man, but Van Cleef still got a chance to show off some of his old school movie star charisma.
Next week: The Master steals the Crown Jewels of the United Kingdom! …. sure, why not?
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Al and L-Train get a job and Jamal and Chris screw over yet another charity.
Episode 5.7 “Just For The Record”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 6th, 2001)
Upset that the Manny High courtyard is so loud that she can’t even study for her midterms, Dawn tells Ms. Noble that she needs to do a better job as principal. Dawn actually has a point. Ms. Noble really is the worst and she proves that by deciding to teach Dawn (and, for some reason, Cassidy) a lesson by appointing them assistant principals. I’m not really sure how that would work, especially in New York where the schools are notoriously unionized and promotions are rarely given to people who haven’t even graduated from high school. Do Dawn and Cassidy get paid to work as principals? Is Ms. Noble still getting paid despite the fact that she’s not doing anything?
Before Ms. Noble steps down as principal, she informs Al and L-Train that they need find an internship before they graduate. (Do high school students usually get internships?) Al and L-Train end up working at a record company. L-Train works hard. Al doesn’t. L-Train gets a lot of responsibility and praise. Al gets fired. Al says that he’ll never forgive L-Train for not warning him that he was about to lose his job. L-Train points out that he couldn’t tell Al because Al was never at work.
Anyway, it all works out in the end. Because no one wants to spend any time with them now that they’re principals, Dawn and Cassidy suggest to Ms. Noble that students with bad grades should be publicly humiliated in the school courtyard. Ms. Noble fires Dawn and Cassidy. Meanwhile, Al miraculously realizes that he made a mistake and apologizes to L-Train. What led to Al’s change of heart? Probably the fact that the episode was nearly over and the conflict had to be resolved before the Peter Engel title card could flash on the screen. As the episode ended, a really boring girl group performs while the audience goes crazy.
Eh. Who cares? This whole episode was dumb. Let’s move on.
Episode 5.8 “Skips, Lies, and Radiotapes”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 6th, 2001)
It’s Senior Ditch Day! Al, L-Train, and Cassidy are going bungee jumping but Ms. Noble has decided that Chris and Jamal will not be joining them. She has decided that Chris and Jamal will spend Cut Day doing a radio fundraiser for charity. Chris and Jamal decide to try to fool Ms. Noble by placing plastic dummies in the radio booth and playing pre-taped recordings of their show. It doesn’t work, of course.
Yep, this is yet another episode of City Guys where Chris and Jamal prove themselves to be the worst people in New York. But you know what? At this point, Ms. Noble deserves most of the blame. How many times has Ms. Noble ordered Chris and Jamal to help out with a charity? And, every single time, what’s happened? Chris and Jamal have come up with a stupid plan to get out of it. At this point, why does Ms. Noble waste her time with them? And why do they still have a radio program, despite all of the trouble that it’s caused at Manny High over the years? How incompetent is Ms. Noble?
The only two students to not skip school are Dawn and her rival, Kitty Collins. Dawn and Kitty are competing to be valedictorian, which at this school apparently has less to do with maintaining good grades and more to do with kissing up to Ms. Noble. Ms. Noble orders Dawn and Kitty to work on a presentation together and they learn an important lesson about team work and not trying to sabotage each other. At the end of the presentation, Dawn says that Kitty should be valedictorian. Kitty replies that Dawn deserves it. “Okay,” Dawn say, “see ya.” Again, it would seem like whoever has the top GPA should be valedictorian but I’ve noticed that’s rarely the case in these Peter Engel-produced high school shows. Everyone is always turning down the honor or stepping aside to allow someone else to give the speech at graduation. This just doesn’t seem like something that would happen in real life.
Anyway, Chris and Jamal hold a carnival on the roof of Manny High and raise money for the charity. Ms. Noble hits them both in the face with a pie. The whole thing just feels lazy.
Again, this was a dumb episode. If Ms. Noble really cared about all of these charities, she wouldn’t continually be putting Chris and Jamal in a position where they could easily screw everything up. Seriously, Ms. Noble’s the worst.
Next week, we’ll be one step closer to the final episode of this show.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week’s cruise is just weird.
Episode 2.20 “Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat”
(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)
This cruise is all about excitement and letdowns.
For instance, Doc Bricker is super excited because his former mentor, Dr. Art Akers (Richard Anderson), is a passenger on the cruise. But then Bricker is letdown when he discovers that, due to a traffic accident, Dr. Akers has lost his arm and can no longer practice medicine. Bricker also discovers that Dr. Akers feels that Bricker has wasted his potential by taking a job as a cruise ship doctor. As Dr. Akers puts it, Doc Bricker should be performing surgery and working in a hospital and not wasting his time dealing with seasick debutantes. Obviously, we’re meant to feel that Dr. Akers is being unfair and Akers is definitely a jerk. At the same time, it is really hard to think of very many times that this show actually showed Dr. Bricker doing anything other than hitting on the passengers. I know that there was an episode where he delivered a baby and another where he performed surgery while at sea but, for the most part, Doc does seem to spend most of his time drinking at the bar and hanging out at the pool.
Anyway, Doc Bricker does get a chance to prove himself. He notices that Akers’s wife, Laura (Diana Muldaur), appears to be hooked on the anti-anxiety pills that she’s been taking ever since the car accident that cost her husband his arm. At first, Akers refuses to listen to Bricker but then Laura ends up stumbling around the ship in a daze and Akers is first to admit that his wife is a junkie and Doc Bricker is actually a doctor. So, I guess that’s a happy ending to that story.
Carol Gilmore (Carol Lynley) is super excited when she boards the cruise because she’s going to finally meet the man who is engaged to her best friend, Gwen (Donna Pescow). She’s also excited because a handsome passenger named Paul (Ben Murphy) hits on her as soon as he sees her. However, she’s letdown when she subsequently discovers that Paul is Gwen’s fiancé! Even after he learns that Carol is Gwen’s best friend, Paul asks Carol to meet him on the deck at midnight. Carol does so and Paul tells her that he hit on her because he was feeling nervous about getting married but that he felt terrible and ashamed as soon as he did so and that hitting on Carol only reminded him of how much he loves Gwen. Carol thinks that is the most romantic thing that she’s ever heard. Gwen is far less impressed and she dumps both her fiancé and her best friend. However, Gwen reconsiders when she later sees Paul dancing with Carol and she decides that she needs both of them in her life.
Finally, the crew is super excited when Captain Stubing is offered a job as the captain of the Lorelei, which is a legendary cruise ship. Though they don’t want to lose him, they do want Stubing to be happy so they spend the entire cruise telling the Lorelei’s owner (Hans Conreid) about what a great guy the Captain is. However, the Captain does not want to leave the Pacific Princess so he starts acting like a jerk in hope that the offer will be rescinded. When the Lorelei’s owner announces that Stubing is such a great captain that he’ll hire him even if he is a jerk, Stubing is forced to finally admit that he doesn’t want the job.
This was a weird episode. All of the stories felt as if they were only halfway written before filming started. The stuff with Gwen, Carol, and Paul felt especially strange, as there was really absolutely no reason for Gwen to change her mind about taking Paul back, beyond the fact that the story had to resolve itself somehow. The storyline about Dr. Akers was a bit more developed but Akers himself was such a jerk that it was hard to really care about him or his bitterness over Bricker having an enjoyable life. As for Captain Stubing’s storyline, it required Stubing to act in ways that were totally out-of-character for him. A Stubing who can’t speak his mind is not the Stubing that the viewers know.
Yeah, this was a weird cruise. I’m just glad everyone made it back home.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Tattoo is nice and Mr. Roarke is understandably suspicious.
Episode 3.2 “Goose For The Gander/Stuntman”
(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on September 14th, 1979)
This episode opens with Tattoo being very nice and polite to Mr. Roarke and asking if there is anything that he can do to help Roarke as they head out to meet the plane. It says a lot about how much Roarke hates his assistant that Roarke’s immediate reaction is to suspect that Tattoo has done something wrong and is trying to escape being punished as a result. By the end of the episode, Roarke learns that Tattoo is freaking out because Tattoo saw a classified ad announcing that Roarke was looking for a new “assistant manager,” and Tattoo feared he was going to be fired. Mr. Roarke has a good laugh over that. Roarke enjoys anything that makes Tattoo’s life miserable.
As for the fantasies, this is another week where we get one silly fantasy and one serious fantasy.
The silly fantasy involves Marjorie Gibbs (Doris Roberts), who owns a truck stop in Arizona. A new highway is being put in and all of Marjorie is going to have to relocate her diner. Unfortunately, that is going to cost money that Marjorie does not have. All of Marjorie’s customers tipped in and raised enough money to send Marjorie to Fantasy Island so that she can compete in a cooking contest and win a huge cash prize.
Can Marjorie win the contest? It’s not going to be easy, as one of her competitors is a sneaky French chef (Vito Scotti) and the judge (Hans Conried) is one of those food snobs. Fortunately, Marjorie strikes up a friendship with another diner owner, Joe Lange (Abe Vigoda). Joe supports Marjorie and helps her to win, even after the French chef steals one of Marjorie’s recipes! They also fall in love and save a goose from becoming a meal. Awwwwww! This was a silly but sweet fantasy. Doris Roberts and Abe Vigoda made for a good comedic team.
As for the serious fantasy, it’s all about stunts. Retired stuntman Peter Rawlings (Dale Robertson) comes to the island with his wife, Norma (Dana Wynter). Norma thinks this is just a normal vacation but Peter actually wants to come to the island because his son, Bill (Grant Goodeve), is the stunt coordination for a film that is shooting there. Bill has lived his whole life in his father’s shadow and Peter fears that Bill’s desire to pull off the biggest stunt of all time will lead to his death. Peter also discovers that Bill’s insecurity has led to him becoming a tyrant on the set. In fact, as soon as Peter shows up, Bill is fired and Peter is named the new stunt coordinator. Can father and son set aside their differences and pull off a truly spectacular stunt?
Of course they can. This is Fantasy Island.
This was one of those episodes that pretty much succeeded on the charm of the cast alone. Neither one of the fantasies was particularly interesting. We were told that Marjorie and Joe’s food was the best but, since we couldn’t taste it, we had no way of knowing for sure. And the big stunt really didn’t look all that special. But Doris Roberts, Dale Robertson, and Abe Vigoda all gave charming performances so, in the end, I was happy everything worked out.
Next week: Tattoo gets a fantasy! Roarke better watch out!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Julie dates an older guy and Eugene goes …. EXTREME!
Episode 5.3 “Beer Pressure”
(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 2nd, 1999)
Julie’s dating an older guy! (Actually, given that Julie’s been in high school for six years now, he might not actually be that much older.) Brian (Jason Hayes) is handsome, charming, and he owns his own company. He drives a Ferrari and he even scores backstage passes to the Alanis Morrissette concert. In fact, that only thing wrong with Brian is that 1) he encourages Julie to stay out late and 2) he drinks. Despite knowing that Brian has had a few too many beers, Julie goes for a ride with him. One car crash later and Julie’s arm is in a sling and the Tornadoes are having to win without her!
(“Is the Ferrari okay?” Mary Beth asks upon seeing Julie’s sling. I will admit that I laughed out loud at this line. Megan Parlen had the best comedic timing of anyone on the show.)
Fear not, the Tornadoes do win their first game of the season. They win by one basket, of course. For a legendary team, the Tornadoes hardly ever seem to actually blow the other team out. But a win is a win. Michael is not only happy to get the win but he’s also happy that, due to the accident, Julie has broken up with Brian. Michael’s decided he wants to date Julie again, despite the fact that Julie previously broke his heart by dumping him for no good reason.
Meanwhile, Antonio is now renting an apartment. His landlord is Coach K. Though Coach K is not happy after he’s attacked by a swarm of bees that were angered by Antonio’s decision to knock down their hive, he is touched when Antonio says that everyone has made him feel so welcome in his new state. That’s good and all but I’m still confused as to how Antonio, a minor, was able to just move from Texas to Indiana on a whim. The charismatic and likable Jay Hernandez is a welcome addition to the cast but it still doesn’t make any sense for Antonio to be there.
This episode felt oddly familiar. At first, I was sure that Julie had already dated an older man but then I realized that I was thinking about the Raise the Roofies episode of City Guys. It’s difficult to keep all of these Peter Engel-produced shows straight. That said, I appreciated the anti-drinking and driving message and both Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto continued to show their skill at getting laughs from even the most predictable of lines. This was not a bad episode, even if it does seem like Julie should have graduated from college by now.
Episode 5.4 “Extreme Eugene”
(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 9th, 1999)
Eugene is finally a starter but he’s struggling to balance his love of skateboarding with his love of basketball. After Eugene injures his shoulder at a skateboarding competition, Coach K announces that all the members of team are going to have to sign a contract promising not to do anything dangerous — like skateboarding — during the season. Eugene reluctantly signs the contract but, immediately afterwards, he asks Coach K if he can go to a skateboarding competition. Coach K says no. Eugene quits the team.
Everyone gets angry, telling Eugene that he made a commitment to the team and that he signed the contract. Here’s the thing, though. The contract is unfair and Eugene has every right to be upset over it. The only reason he signed it was because Michael and Julie pressured him to do so. Even though Eugene may have bruised up his shoulder at the skateboarding competition, he still came in second. A national skateboarding magazine wants to do an interview with him and put him on the cover. Eugene obviously has a much more viable future as a skater than as a basketball player. So, seriously, screw the team. If the team is so weak that not having Eugene on the court is going to cause them to lose, they probably weren’t very strong to begin with.
(Personally, I suspect Julie was just jealous at the idea of someone other than her appearing on the cover of a magazine. If Julie had been a skateboarder, you can be sure the entire team would have shown up to support her.)
That said, Eugene eventually meets his idol, Biker Sherlock. Considering how stiffly he delivered his dialogue, I’m guessing Biker must have been a real athlete. Anyway, Biker tells Eugene that he should honor his commitment to his team. That’s all it takes for Eugene to see things differently and return to the team, announcing that he is going to give up skateboarding until the season’s over. What a wuss.
Meanwhile, Kristy has arranged for her parents to finally meet Antonio at the mall. However, outside the mall, Antonio and Kristy’s father get into an argument over a parking space without either realizing who the other one is. (Wait, this seems familiar….) So, Kristy grabs Eugene and tells her parents that Eugene is Antonio. (Yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds. It was stupid when City Guys did it too.) Eugene tries to speak in an offensively thick Mexican accent. Cringe!
Later, Kristy’s mother spots Eugene kissing his girlfriend. Kristy’s mother then tells Julie that “Antonio” is a cheater and then Julie tells Kristy and Mary Beth. Marty Beth announces that “El Paso means The Cheater.” Kristy accuses Antonio of cheating on her but then Antonio says that he didn’t and Kristy immediately realizes that he’s telling the truth. Awwwww! They’re so sweet together.
This was a dumb episode. Eugene should have ripped that contract into little pieces. Instead, he gave in and gave up his dreams and now, I will never respect him. For all the talk of what Eugene owed the team, the team never seemed to give much thought to what they owed him.
Next week, a college recruiter might be interested in giving Michael a better future so, of course, Julie makes it all about her.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s Dr. Cook’s Garden! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Everyone loves Dr. Leonard Cook.
Played by Bing Crosby, Dr. Cook has been the doctor in the small town of Greenfield for as long as anyone can remember. He has delivered almost the entire town. He’s the friendly face that everyone sees whenever they have an ache or a pain. He’s the somber source of comfort whenever the time comes from someone to pass. Dr. Cook has lost some patients but he’s saved even more and no one doubts that Dr. Cook always does his best. As admired as Dr. Cook is as a doctor, he’s almost equally admired for the beautiful garden outside of his office. Cook maintains the garden by always pulling out any plants that he feels would not serve the best interest of the garden. That’s Dr. Cook. He’s always doing whatever needs to be done to make the world a nicer place.
Unfortunately, Dr. Cook is getting old and he’s slowed down a bit. He has a heart condition and he can no longer be as physically active as he once was. Dr. Cook’s former student, Jimmy Tennyson (Frank Converse), returns to Greenfield so that he can help out his former mentor. Dr. Tennyson is going to help ease Dr. Cook into retirement and then eventually take Cook’s place as the town doctor. Dr. Cook may say that he’s not planning on retiring anytime soon but it’s obvious that he has faith in Dr. Tennyson’s ability to eventually replace him.
Or, at least, Cook feels that way until Dr. Tennyson starts asking about some of Cook’s patients who have died over the years. Tennyson discovers that many of Cook’s patients died despite not being seriously ill and that Dr. Cook also has a surprisingly large supply of poisons. When it’s mentioned that no one in town has ever wondered why Dr. Cook has lost so many patients because only the “mean” patients tend to die, Dr. Tennyson realizes that Dr. Cook has been doing his bit to make sure the town of Greenfield stays a nice place. Dr. Cook calls it “community service.” Dr. Tennyson calls it murder but can he turn on his former mentor and the most beloved man in town? And when Tennyson starts to pressure Cook to stop practicing medicine and playing God, Dr. Cook starts to make his own plans to put his former student in his place.
An adaptation of a stage play by Ira Levin, Dr. Cook’s Garden is a suspenseful and short made-for-TV movie. Director Ted Post does a good job of opening up the action and preventing the film from becoming overly stagey. The main reason the film succeeds is due to the performance of Bing Crosby in the role of Dr. Cook. Crosby’s kindly and cheerful demeanor keeps the viewer off-balance but, once Dr. Cook decides to target his former student, the friendly surface evaporates and Dr. Cook is revealed to be just as ruthless and cruel as those who he targets. This is the type of film that will inspire you to wonder just what exactly your neighbors may be hiding in their gardens.
The Emmy submission ballots dropped this week and with it, I was reminded that there’s a lot of things that I still need to watch between now and the end of July. Here’s what I watched this week as I tried to get caught up.
A Small Light (National Geographic)
Liev Schrieber and Bel Powley turned in powerful performances as the father of Anne Frank and the brave woman who helped the Franks as they hid in that Amsterdam attic for two years. I’m going to try to write up a review of this important and heart-breaking miniseries next week. Keep an eye out for it!
Agent Elvis (Netflix)
I watched the first episode of this animated series on Thursday. The show imagines Elvis Presley as a secret agent in the late 60s. The first episode featured him battling Charles Manson and the Family. This is the type of pop culture sideshow that I would normally expect to enjoy but the first episode left me cold. The humor was a bit too crude and mean-spirited. I love Matthew McConaughey but he sounds nothing like Elvis and casting him only served to undercut what should have been the show’s best joke. This was definitely a disappointment.
Andor (Disney Plus)
I just started binging Andor today. I’m four episodes in. I’ll give my thoughts after I finish the first season next week. So far, I will say that I’m enjoying the show. I think it helps that it’s a Star Wars show that, so far at least, hasn’t gotten bogged down in all of the Star Wars mythology.
Archer (FX)
On Thursday, I watched the episode of Archer that was submitted for this year’s Emmy Awards. Archer and the Gang attended a spy convention and reluctantly saved the life of their new boss. “Are we really going to save this guy?” Archer asked. I always enjoy Archer whenever I see it so it’s strange that I haven’t gotten into the habit of regularly watching. Seeing as how the series is coming to an end, I might finally binge the whole thing.
Bob’s Burgers (Fox, Sunday Night)
On Thursday, I watched the latest Bob’s Burgers Christmas episode and it was so sweet that it brought tears to my eyes. “Louise is going to read a sincere poem!”
Captain Power & The Soldiers of the Future (Nightflight Plus)
I watched the first episode of this very cheesy Canadian show on Saturday morning. According to the description of the video, it aired in the late 80s. As you can probably guess from the title, it was a sci-fi show. I had no idea what was going on for the majority of it but there were a lot of people carrying laser guns.
I watched an episode on Tuesday. The first guest asked her sister to forgive her for getting her hooked on crack cocaine. No, she was not forgiven. The second guest asked her former best friend to forgive her for skipping her wedding. Again, there was no forgiveness. The third guest wanted his wife to apologize for piercing their daughter’s ears without asking him beforehand. There was no apology. The fourth guest apologized for sleeping with his friend’s girlfriend. He was not forgiven. This was a harsh episode!
I watched another episode on Saturday. This one featured Robin Givens as host. She spent a lot of time yelling, especially at this woman who lied about her husband threatening to kill her and didn’t say a word as he was sent to jail for several days. Everyone was forgiven, even though some definitely did not deserve it.
Harley Quinn (Max)
I watched an episode of this animated show on Thursday. Harley Quinn entered Bruce Wayne’s mind while searching for her friend, Frank. In doing so, she discovered not only that Bruce Wayne was Batman but she also came to understand Bruce’s obsession with his parent’s death and fighting crime. The episode managed to be both wonderfully satiric and surprisingly poignant. After years of grim and serious Batman films, it was nice to see an episode that was all about just how ludicrous the whole thing is. The animated version of Harley Quinn is far less annoying than the version that shows up in the movies.
I finally got around to watching this miniseries this week. Set in the Star Wars universe, it followed Ewan McGregor as he battled the Empire and saved the lives of both a young Princess Leia and a young Luke Skywalker. If you were Luke, wouldn’t it piss you off that your sister got to grow up in an air-conditioned palace while you got shuffled off to a crime-ridden, poverty-stricken desert? I mean — what the Hell, Yoda!?
Anyway, this miniseries wasn’t bad. It was typical Star Wars stuff but worth it for the performances of Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen. Still, I did find myself wishing that everyone stop saying the word “youngling.”
Rick and Morty (Adult Swim)
Over the past few months, with the accusations against Justin Roiland, Rick and Morty has gone from being one of the top cult shows around to being the show that people now pretend that they never watched in the first place. Accused of domestic battery and kidnapping, Roiland was dismissed from the show. The fact that the D.A. subsequently dropped the charges did not win back Roiland’s job but it did put the show in the unenviable position of being cited in multiple articles about cancel culture. The show is set to continue without Roiland but I think Rick and Morty‘s days may be limited.
That said, I watched the Night Family episode on Thursday. (This is the episode that was submitted to the Emmys.) It was a great episode, as the family went to war with the “night” versions of themselves. It’s the type of episode that definitely deserves at least an Emmy nomination but, with all the recent controversy, it probably won’t happen.
Rollergames (YouTube)
Roller derby! I watched the first episode of this show on Friday night, with Jeff and our friend, Pat. The show aired in the late 80s and it featured a lot of people in a lot of costumes beating each other up. At the end of the show, everyone had to jump over a bunch of alligators. It was fun!
Through the Shattered Lens