Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.9 “Night Whispers”

Posted on September 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, a vampire comes to California!

Episode 2.9 “Night Whispers”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on November 24th, 1996)

The mysterious Francesca (Felicity Waterman) is being held in police custody as a suspect in the murder of a jogger. The jogger was found with his throat slit. Ryan, who was there when the body was found, suspects that Francesca might be vampire.

Why? Ryan has her reasons.

Francesca speaks with the same type of unplaceable Eastern European accent that all vampires tend to speak with.
Francesca wears sunglasses inside and says she can’t go out during the day because her eyes are just too sensitive to the sunlight.
Francesca occasionally wears a cape.
Francesca wears gloves to hide her vampire hands.
Francesca’s gown was splattered with the dead guy’s blood.
Francesca does not cast a reflection in her apartment’s mirror.

(Why do vampires even own mirrors?)

Ryan seems like she has a pretty good case but Mitch is skeptical. Mitch doesn’t believe in any of that supernatural stuff, despite the fact that he’s spent the past few months dealing with sea monsters, ghosts, and government conspiracies. Just a few episodes ago, he stepped into a house and was transported through time!

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I understand skepticism. For the most part, I’m a skeptic too. But the main reason that I’m such an adamant skeptic is because I haven’t ever had anything supernatural happen to me. Now, if I started meeting ghosts and sea monsters on a regular basis, I would probably become less of a skeptic. I would reexamine all of my prejudices and I would say, “Hey, maybe something is out there.”

Not Mitch, though! Mitch listens to Ryan explain why she thinks Francesca is a vampire and he laughs it off. What’s odd is that it takes Ryan forever to get around to mentioning that Francesca does not cast a reflection. Instead, she fixates on Francesca wearing gloves in California. Trust me, the whole mirror thing is a lot more convincing than the glove thing. Some people wear gloves and some people don’t but everyone (except for the undead) casts a reflection. Ryan also points out that Francesca doesn’t have a birth certificate and ….. SHE’S NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE!

A trip to the police station to visit Francesca goes terribly wrong when Francesca gets out of her cell and proceeds to stalk Mitch, Ryan, a detective, a pimp, and two prostitutes through the building. Though Francesca is willing to drink anyone’s blood, it becomes obvious that she’s obsessed with capturing the Hoff and really, who can blame her? I imagine she would be quite popular with her co-workers if she was the one who turned the Hoff into a vampire.

This is a deeply silly episode but the same can be said of just about every episode of Baywatch Nights. There’s no reason to take this show seriously. The important thing is that the action movies fairly quickly, Felicity Waterman appears to be having a ball as the vampire, and the Hoff and Angie Harmon get to show off the chemistry that made Baywatch Nights a lot more fun than it had any right being. This may not be a classic vampire tale but it’s an entertaining one.

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Don’t Look Away With #ScarySocial!

Posted on September 7, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, Deanna Dawn will be hosting 2023’s Don’t Look Away!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! The film is available on Prime, Tubi, and a host of other streaming sites! I’ll be there co-hosting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th 2.8 “Read My Lips”

Posted on September 6, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Oscar will haunt your nightmares….

Episode 2.8 “Read My Lips”

(Dir by Francis Delia, originally aired on November 21st, 1988)

When you watch as much horror as I do, you automatically assume that anyone who is a ventriloquist is going to have an unhealthy relationship with their dummy. Sometimes, the dummy is alive. Sometimes, the dummy is possessed. Sometimes, the dummy is just a dummy but the ventriloquist has decided that it’s alive and urging him to kill. (For some reason, evil ventriloquists are always male.) I’ve seen a lot of creepy ventriloquist dummies but nothing quite compared me for Oscar….

AGCK! I mean …. LOOK AT THAT THING!

Oscar is at the center of this week’s episode of Friday the 13th. Oscar is wearing a boutonniere that once belonged to the noted ventriloquist, Adolf Hitler. The boutonniere not only brings Oscar to foul-mouthed life but it also inspires whoever owns Oscar to commit countless murders. When we first see Oscar, he is owned by Edgar Van Horne (played by a youngish Billy Drago). After Edgar attempts to break his bond with Oscar, Oscar drives Edgar crazy and then invites another ventriloquist, Travis Plunkett (John Byner), to be his owner. Things don’t turn out well for Travis either.

Sadly, Jack is not in this episode. With its emphasis on desperate nightclub performers and Oscar’s corny sense of humor, it’s hard not to feel that this storyline would have been right up Jack’s alley. Instead, it’s left to Micki and Ryan to deal with Oscar and the ventriloquists. Micki’s best friend from high school, Gabriella Montrose (Linda Griffiths), is planning on marrying Edgar but, needless to say, that all goes out the window once Edgar loses his mind and end up in a mental hospital. For the most part, Micki and Ryan are largely bystanders in this episode. All of the action revolves around Oscar and his unfortunate owners.

Billy Drago gives a wonderful performance as Edgar, making him both frightening and, in the end, surprisingly sympathetic. Edgar is desperate to escape the clutches of Oscar but, in the end, it turns out that he’s grown addicted to performing with Oscar and the attempt to quit cold turkey leads to him losing his mind. (Many episodes of Friday the 13th feature storylines that felt as if they were meant to be a metaphor for drug addiction and that’s certainly the case here.) John Byner plays his role a bit more broadly than Drago but still, it’s hard not to feel bad for Travis as he comes to realize that he’s in over his head with Oscar.

This was an effectively creepy episode, even if it did owe an obvious debt to the 1978 film Magic. Oscar makes for a memorable monster. Hopefully, he’ll never be seen again.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.12 “Museum Hearts”

Posted on September 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Wow, it’s been more than a little while since I last reviewed an episode of Monsters! Well, it’s time to get back to it! Like most anthology series, Monsters can be frustratingly uneven but occasionally, the viewer does get lucky with a really good episode. Take this week, for instance….

Episode 2.12 “Museum Hearts”

(Dir by Theodore Gershuny, originally aired on January 7th, 1990)

Cheryl (Louise Roberts) comes to the natural history museum to see her husband, Danny (Patrick Breen). Danny, one of the museum’s curators, said he would be working late in the basement but, as Cheryl discovers, Danny is actually in basement cheating on her with Edwina (Sarah Trigger).

However, the three of them have an even bigger problem that Danny’s infidelity. While they’re busy arguing in the basement, the museum closes and all the doors are locked. Danny’s suggestion is that they spend the night having a threesome. Cheryl’s suggestion is that Danny find a way to get them out of the basement.

Attempting to reach a high window, dumbass Danny climbs on top of ancient coffin. His foot goes through the wood. Danny not only cuts open his ankle but he also steps on the mummified remains of Cerridwen (Pamela Dean Kelly), a Druid priestess. His foot goes through her chest, revealing her heart. Danny decides that it would be a good idea to grab the heart and take it as a souvenir. Cerridwen, who is not quite dead, is not happy about that idea.

At first, Danny, Cheryl, and Edwina are terrified about the idea of being stuck with a mummy. But it turns out that Cerridwen hates cheating men like Danny. Cheryl and Edwina proceed to sacrifice Danny, allowing Cerridwen to revert back to her youthful appearance. The three women leave the museum together.

So far, Monsters has been a rather uneven series but I really liked this episode. A lot of that is due to Theodore Gershuny’s direction. Gershuny also directed one of my favorite grindhouse films, Silent Night Bloody Night. Just as in that film, Gershuny creates an ominous and dream-like atmosphere that goes a long way towards making up for the fact that episode’s story is rather predictable. Fortunately, Danny is such a sleaze that it’s impossible not take some joy out of him getting his macabre comeuppance. I liked the fact that all three of the women worked together rather than allowing Danny to turn them against one another. Instead of getting mad at Edwina, Cheryl put the blame for Danny’s infidelity right where it belonged, on Danny.

This was a good episode with a good message. Don’t mess around in the basement of a museum because you never know what you might find down there. And, for the love of God, don’t step on a mummy’s chest.

Live Tweet Alert: Join #ScarySocial for Thinner!

Posted on August 31, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, at 9 pm et, Tim Buntley will be hosting #ScarySocial! The movie? 1996’s Thinner!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Thinner is available on Prime!

See you there!

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Godzilla, Mothra, And King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack! With #ScarySocial!

Posted on August 24, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, I will be hosting 2001’s Godzilla, Mothra, And King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! The film is available on Prime! I’ll be there co-hosting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Black Sunday With #ScarySocial!

Posted on August 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, Deanna Dawn will be hosting 1960’s Black Sunday, directed by Mario Bava!

Live Tweet Alert: Watch 10 To Midnight With #ScarySocial!

Posted on August 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, I will be hosting 1983’s Ten To Midnight, starring Charles Bronson!

Nope, Short Film Review by Case Wright, Dir. Ryan Godoy

Posted on July 21, 2024 by casewright

This short film clocks in at 1 minute and 10 seconds- TOTAL! When something is this brief, I have to give it a chance. Today, we are used to the comedy shorts on Youtube, but they’re jokes. They are not stories with a protagonist and a quest. This is not to diminish the talent of Youtubers because I try to do it myself and it is HARD!!! The ones who post a less than one minute joke or jokes that land are today’s Comedic greats – really!

I watched this with an open mind because if you can create a story with a beginning, middle, and end in under two minutes- you are a certified genius. This film was a “could’ve been” because unlike the director’s career, the film did NOT have an ending. This review is difficult for me because Ryan had talent, but couldn’t deliver.

The short had a regular guy who sees a drawer open in his home on its own; so he left the house. He leaves his house and the front door opens on its own power; so, he retreats to his car. In the car, his glovebox opens on its own and the film ends. I laughed a few times, but it is obvious that the film lacked an ending. Typically, this means that the creator was using this short for pitch meetings to get funding for a full-length story. “Nope” is a cautionary tale for creators because what you are proving to a prospective producer is that you likely do NOT have the creative talent to finish a story. Why would anyone want to invest in someone who can’t complete their own story? Why would you risk that the creator would follow through on a bigger budget?

If it is warranted, I relish excoriating a craptastic filmmaker, but I do NOT enjoy watching self-destruction. “Nope” is a great lesson on how not to succeed in film or any other profession.

Skipped, Short Film Review by Case Wright, Dir & Written by Faisal Hashmi

Posted on July 18, 2024 by casewright

Hello Beautiful and Intelligent readers, how do I know you’re so smart and beautiful? You’re reading my stuff!!! You know what’s not good- This short film. Like chlamydia at a Senor Frogs in Cancun, this short will stick with you in the worst way! He writes in his bio that he’s an “award-winning independent filmmaker”, but who is in charge of these awards?! Is it like a certificate of participation? Did they owe Faisal Hashmi money? Did Faisal Hashmi see them commit a brutal crime? Sadly, he kept making “films” after this waste of his iPhone memory, on the bright side, his career didn’t take off because- ya know, he sucks at this!

There are a many ways that this short doesn’t even deserve to be used to clean the bathroom floor at Port Authority on a Friday night, but the two that stick out the most to me are that –

The film makes no sense.
It’s boring!

But Case come on, you always say these sci-fi things don’t make sense, well most of the time I’m right! However, to really pull this piece of trash apart like it deserves, I have to go over the terrible story! It’s like Faisal Hashmi is out to hurt me in every way! Did he give me COVID? Where were you Faisal, December 2020??

The story- an office worker has a boring job, but every time he sneezes he blacks out and all of his work is done; purportedly, he travels in time like my Aunt does after Natural Light and Ambien. This is where the story doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t remember the time he lost. He just moves forward. Let’s just skip over the fact that this sort of time travel is impossible without Ambien. Of course, he abuses this “gift” and eventually becomes old. This is not how special relativity works, but I guess looking things up on Wikipedia is TOO MUNDANE for Faisal!

This brings me to my second issue with this film: it’s boring. I understand that being good at anything is hard, right Faisal? Faisal Hashmi, you’re probably terrible at a lot of things- Film is really just the only one we have a digital record of to prove it. Maybe you also suck at volleyball, buying groceries, or tying your shoes? I can’t speak for those other things, but you’re rebuttably presumed to be awful at those things too, but I’ll just stick to this 4 minute and 26 second slice of hell!

Every plot point was so predictable and obvious, it felt as if a short film became a flip book crap version of “Goodnight, Moon”. I hate you Faisal! You, Marcin Dubinek, and Alex Magana are a cabal of terrible art! You create the unholy trinity of film. I even tagged the horror box for this post because that’s what your film is, but not intentionally! Faisal, stop what you’re doing! Try real estate or work for Ticketmaster!

I did provide a link to this unholy thing, if you feel like slowing your life down and embracing death’s touch.