Are they Bee Gees or are they The Bee Gees? I’m not really sure and, quite frankly, I’ve seen it listed as both on several reputable sites. Regardless, this is a good song. “The New York Times‘ effect on man” is a nice and random little lyric, even though Tony Manero really didn’t come across like a reader of the Times in Saturday Night Fever.
If you’re ever giving someone CPR, they say that you should do it to the tune of Staying Alive so, if you memorize this song, you’ll be able to save a life. That’s the type of helpful information that we happily provide to our readers free of charge here at the Shattered Lens.
According to the YouTube description, this from the “One for All Tour” Live concert at the National Tennis Centre in Melbourne 1989, Australia.
When it comes to Spring Break, there’s nothing worse than having all of your plans ruined by a prehistoric shark.
I mean, let’s just ask the characters at the center of the 2012 film, Jurassic Shark. Jill (Emannuelle Carriere), Tia (Christine Emes), Kristen (Celine Filion), and Mike (Kyle Martellacci) were planning to spend their Spring Break taking a boat across the least impressive lake in Canada. They thought it would be a good time but then the giant shark showed up, ate Mike, and left Jill, Tia, and Kristen stranded on a tiny island….
“Wait?” you’re saying, There’s a shark in a lake?”
Yes.
“Sharks can’t live in lakes.”
This one can.
“Why?”
Because it’s prehistoric and shit. Hence, the name of the film.
“But if it’s prehistoric, what’s it doing alive in the 21st Century?”
Well, y’see, the shark was frozen in a glacier but than a big evil oil company did some big evil things and, as a result, the glacier either melted or it fell apart or maybe there was an earthquake or something and now, as a result, there’s a big prehistoric shark swimming around the lake.
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s a Spring Break shark movie. Now, if I may continue my review….
Anyway, Jill, Tia, and Kristen are stranded on an island but it turns out that they’re not alone! Not only is there a random oil company scientist guy but there’s also three suspicious-looking people who are dressed in all black and are carrying guns! It turns out that the people dressed in all-black are art thieves. They were attacked by the shark while trying to make a getaway with a stolen painting. Now, the painting is at the bottom of the lake and no one can retrieve it because of the prehistoric shark. However, once everyone gets together, surely they can figure out a way to escape with a minimal loss of life….
Nope! Not going to happen! Unfortunately, no one on the island is smart enough for the audience to really root for. Instead of working together, they just point guns and debate who is going to distract the shark while someone else gets the painting. This is a movie that will have you cheering for the shark all the way, which is probably the way it was meant to be. Out of everyone in the film, the shark’s got the most personality and it’s always easy to understand his motivations. He wants to eat. It’s as simple as that.
The main reason I watched Jurassic Shark is because it’s got a 1.5 rating on the imdb and was, for a little while, the lowest rated film on the entire site. Whenever I discover that a film is disliked by that many people, I simply have to watch. As is often the case, I think the imdb voters are being a bit overly critical with Jurassic Shark. Yes, the film is pretty bad and the shark spends way too much time offscreen. There’s way too many scenes of people slowly walking from one end of the island to the other. There are some major continuity errors and the CGI is really bad and there’s a scene that’s supposed to be set at night but the day for night lighting is so ineptly handled that it’s almost to follow what’s going on.
But — and here’s the thing — there’s absolutely nothing about this film that indicates that it was meant to be taken seriously. I think for a film to be truly terrible, it has to lack self-awareness. It has to be clueless as to how bad or silly or pretentious it is. For better or worse, Jurassic Shark seems to realize that it’s a low-budget Z-grade horror film and that sets it apart from a serious relationship drama like The Room or an environmentalist statement like Birdemic. I mean, as easy as it is to criticize almost every aspect of Jurassic Shark, this is a film that features a slow-motion shot of giant shark flying over someone’s head. It’s a scene that is just ludicrous and silly enough to work.
Jurassic Shark may not be good but it’s not really pretentious enough to be terrible. If nothing else, it teaches the viewers an important lesson about how easily Spring Break can go wrong, especially when you’re celebrating in Canada. For the most part, it’s a forgettable film but it has just enough lunacy to occasionally be memorable.
Before I really get started on this review, I think I should make clear two things:
First off, this film can be found, for free, on Amazon Prime under the title 7 Deadly Sins. That’s also the title under which it’s listed on the imdb. However, all of the poster art that I’ve found for this film indicates that this film was originally entitled Charlie Charlie. It makes sense, as the whole point of the film is that 7 idiots play a game called “Charlie Charlie,” where the point is to talk to some dead guy who never went to church and was therefore never cleansed of his sins. Apparently, playing Charlie Charlie gets you killed. Who would have guessed contacting an evil spirit would have such dire consequences.
Secondly, I tend to be forgiving of low budget horror films. Some of my favorite films are low-budget horror films. I respect any director who can create a frightening scene or maintain an ominous atmosphere on a low budget. If you can make the paranormal seem real even when you can’t afford CGI, I have a tremendous amount of respect for your filmmaking skills. My point is that when I tell you that this is not a good film and that it’s actually one of the worst horror films that I’ve seen in while, I’m not just saying that because of the low budget. I’m saying it because the movie freaking sucks.
7 Deadly Sins takes place at a Spring Break house party being thrown by the least likable teenagers on the planet. Most of them are celebrating because it’s their last Spring Break before college. Jamal (Steph Santana), on the other hand, is celebrating because it’s his last weekend before he starts a five year prison sentence. At the start of Spring Break, Jamal was pulled over by a cop who discovered a huge amount of weed in the trunk of his car. Apparently, in the world of 7 Deadly Sins, the justice system moves a lot quicker than it does in the real world because it only takes Jamal a few days to be found guilty and sentenced to prison.
Jamal’s girlfriend, Kim (Tori Vild), was in the car as well. However, because she’s rich and she’s white, she’s only sentenced to a few months of house arrest. She has to wear an ankle bracelet and listen to her racist mom and her pervy stepfather complain about her boyfriend. Kim swears to Jamal that she’ll wait for him to get out of prison. Jamal suggests a threesome to help him prepare for life behind bars. Kim kicks him out of her room. It’s that type of party.
Sara (Gladys Bautista) has been hired, by Kim’s stepfather, to keep an eye on Kim for the weekend. Kim is upset because Sara is Mexican and they’re both the same age. Sara is upset because everyone screwed up the Charlie Charlie game. “You have to play the game,” she repeats, “You have to repent your sins.”
“Shit’s fucked up,” Jamal says at one point and he’s probably right.
Anyway, 7 Deadly Sins is one of those films that tries to be both a horror film and a comedy but it doesn’t work as either, largely because the characters aren’t sympathetic enough to care about and none of the actors are particularly comedic. You don’t care when they die and it’s hard to be amused when someone says that Sara should be selling oranges along the freeway.
7 Deadly Sins does feature two semi-celebrity cameos. Tom Sizemore plays a dude in an mental hospital while Eric Roberts plays the judge who sentences Jamal and Kim. Eric Roberts has a lot of fun with his role, railing about how much he hates drug dealers and marijuana. Unfortunately, Roberts only gets one scene and then he’s out of the film.
Anyway, 7 Deadly Sins is pretty dumb. It takes forever to get to the “Charlie Charlie” game and it doesn’t do anything particularly creative with any of the sins. (At one point, we see written in blood: “Envy is a sin.” Well, no shit.) As far as Spring Break horror films go, you could just go down to Galveston and shoot your own and the end results would probably be superior to this one.
Spenser Confidential, which is currently streaming on Netflix, is the latest Mark Wahlberg/Peter Berg collaboration.
It’s a crime film and it’s set in Boston and it will probably remind you every other Boston-set crime film that you’ve ever seen. It’s got all the usual ingredients. People sing Sweet Caroline. A fat gangster wears a tracksuit. We get a long overhead shot of the streets of Southie and there’s a scene set in an Irish bar. One of the film’s big scenes takes place at what appears to be a deserted racing track. (I’ve never been to Boston but, just from the movies, I know that the city is basically made up of Harvard, Southie, and hundreds of deserted race tracks.) The Red Sox get a shout-out. And, of course, the movie stars Mr. Boston himself, Mark Wahlberg. Seriously, if your Boston movie doesn’t feature Mark Wahlberg or an Affleck brother, it might as well just be a St. Louis movie.
In this one, Mark Wahlberg plays Spenser. Spenser was a cop until a gangster in a tracksuit murdered someone from the neighborhood and the head of homicide tried to bury the case. This led to an angry Spenser beating the man up in front of his own house. Spenser was sent to prison, where he served five years as an ex-cop in the general population. That’s right! He wasn’t even put in protective custody but somehow, he survived. Right before Spenser is released from prison, he’s attacked by a Neo-Nazi who is played by Post Malone. It’s not really that relevant to the overall plot but it does give viewers a chance to say, “Wait a minute …. is that Post Malone?”
Anyway, once he gets out of prison, Spenser moves in with his mentor and former boxing coach, Henry Cimoli (Alan Arkin). He also gets a new roommate, an aspiring MMA fighter named Hawk (Winston Duke). After Captain Boylan, the head of homicide — yes, the same guy that Spenser beat up five years ago, is decapitated by 20 sword-carrying assailants, Spenser is the number one suspect. Fortunately, for Spenser, another cop commits suicide and it’s quickly announced that the cop who killed himself also killed Boylan. It’s a murder/suicide! So, Spenser’s off the hook and I guess the movie’s over, right?
Nope, it doesn’t work like that. It turns out that Spenser has his doubts about the whole story and he wants to investigate because he has “a strong moral code.” Unfortunately, as a convicted felon, Spenser is not allowed to become a private investigator. So, Spenser and Hawk conduct an unofficial investigation, which largely amounts to talking to Spenser’s former partner, Driscoll (Bokeem Woodbine) and getting into a brawl while Sweet Caroline plays in the background.
It’s a Boston thing.
The mystery are the heart of the film pretty much leads exactly where you think it’s going to lead. For a 2-hour crime thriller, there aren’t exactly a lot of twists and turns to be found in Spenser Confidential, which is a problem. The mystery’s solution is so obvious that it’s hard not to resent the fact that Spenser is apparently too stupid to figure it out on his own. There’s an extended scene where he gets attacked by a dog and you know what? That would have never happened to any other movie detective because every other detective would have figured out who the murderer was long before getting attacked by that dog.
On the plus side, Peter Berg knows how to stage a fight scene and he also knows how to make the best use of Wahlberg’s mix of sensitivity and working class arrogance. Unfortunately, the rest of the cast is let down by a script that doesn’t give them much to do. Winston Duke is physically imposing as Hawk but he spends too much of the film standing around and waiting for Spenser to take the lead. Alan Arkin appears to be having fun in the role of Henry but again, his character is underwritten. About the only person, other than Wahlberg, who gets to make much of an impression is Iliza Shlesinger, who is cast as Spenser’s ex-girlfriend. Shlesinger may be playing a stereotype (she’s loud, crude, and has a thick Boston accent) but she fully embraces the character and makes her seem like the only person in the film who actually has a life beyond what’s happening onscreen at any given moment.
Anyway, Spenser Confidential isn’t terrible as much as it’s just forgettable. It’s a generic Boston crime film and you can probably safely watch it if you’re not looking for something to which you would actually have to pay attention. Some of the action scenes are well-shot. If you liked Mark Wahlberg in other films, you’ll probably like him in this. Whether you enjoy it or not, you’ll probably forget about this film about an hour after watching it.
