(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th! Will she make it? Considering that she only has a day left, probably not. But keep checking the site to find out!)
I recorded Careful What You Wish For off of Starz on November 4th. It’s one of two films in which Nick Jonas appeared in 2016. (The other film was the underrated Goat, which I really should get around to reviewing some day. Maybe if I ever finish cleaning out this damn DVR, I’ll finally get a chance to get caught up on reviewing all of the other movies that I’ve seen this year.)
Anyway, in Careful What You Wish For, Nick plays Doug. Doug is kind of a dorky, creepy guy who spends the summer at his parent’s lakehouse. His neighbors are the Harpers. Elliott Harper is super rich banker and he’s played by Dermot Mulroney so you know he’s no good. Lena Harper (played by Isabel Lucas) is blonde, young, and always seems to be in the process of removing her bikini top whenever Doug comes around.
Doug is soon lusting over Lena and Lena appears to feel the same way. Soon, they’re having an affair that is probably about as torrid as anything involving Nick Jonas can be. Lena tells Doug that Elliott abuses her. Doug says that she needs to get away from her husband. Lena says that Elliott would kill her if she ever tried to leave…
And then Walter Neff shows up and starts talking about insurance…
Okay, no, he doesn’t. But he might as well because Careful What You Wish For is pretty much a by-the-numbers film noir. It’s obvious to everyone what’s going to happen. Or, I should say, it’s obvious to everyone but Doug. Doug is such a goony dumbass that his whole reaction to everything that happens can be summed up as: “At least I got laid.”
Personally, I think the film made a huge mistake by not having Doug wear a purity ring that he could dramatically remove before having sex with Lena. Seriously, this film could have used some moments of self-awareness like that. (And I do feel a little bit guilty about making fun of Nick here because he actually gives a pretty good performance in Goat.) But no, instead, we get a scene where a bare chested Nick eats an Oreo cookie and it’s kinda gross because he really gets into eating that cookie. I mean, Nick really tries to show us every second of pleasure that Nick gets from that Oreo. But the thing is, Oreo cookies are gross and overrated and to me, there’s nothing more disgusting than watching as someone dips an Oreo into milk and then gets milk all over their chin when they eat it. UGH!
But, listen — if you’ve ever wanted to see Nick Jonas roll an Oreo cookie over his lover’s bare ass, Careful What You Wish For is definitely for you.