If I may, for a second, quote the theme song from Degrassi, the greatest television show ever:

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

That song was running through my head as I watched the 1977 “comedy,” Hollywood High.  At times, I didn’t know if I’d be able to make it through.  Hollywood High was not only bad but it was boring as well!  This is one of those films where every line of dialogue is followed by a minute or so of awkward silence as the cast struggles to remember who speaks next.  I’ve often written of the importance of ensemble chemistry.  Well, Hollywood High is a perfect example of what happens when a cast doesn’t have any chemistry at all.  They’re all playing friends and lovers but you get the feeling that none of them knew each other before film started and no one saw each other after it ended.

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

It’s a comedy but nothing funny ever happens.  As far as plot goes, it’s about four interchangeable girls who go to Hollywood High School and who spend most of their time on the beach, getting naked while some of the most generic west coast music imaginable plays in the background.  One of the girls (it’s never clear which) has a super cool boyfriend named Fenzie.  Fenzie wears a leather jacket and starts every sentence with, “Heeeeeeeey!” and he also says stuff like, “The Fenzie needs a beer!” No, his name is not Fonzie.  It’s FENZIE!

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

At one point, the four girls are driving down the highway in their red roadster.  (And you better believe that there’s a song on the soundtrack called “Red Roadster.”)

“We need gas!” one of them says.

“We need oil!” another one replies.

“We need a lube job!” one points out.

“We need Big Dick!” the driver announces.

Well, of course … oh wait.  It turns out that Big Dick is an auto mechanic.  He’s also a dwarf!  When he first shows up on screen, one of the girls says, “Oh, I see.  That’s funny.”

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

Anyway, Big Dick tries to cheat film star June East (Marla Winters).  The girls all love June East so one of them has sex with Big Dick so that June won’t have to pay her bill.  June is so impressed that she says, “Why don’t you come down and see me sometime?”  You know what that means!  It’s orgy time at June East’s mansion.  The girls are shocked to discover that June’s lover is the flamboyant teacher (played by an actor named Hy Pyke) who they previously assumed was gay!

Whatever it takes…

The girls then look straight at the camera.

“This,” one of them says.

“Is,” another one adds.

“The,” the third chimes in.

“End!”  the fourth one says with a smile.

…I know I can make it through!

And somehow, I did make it through!  Finally, this movie ended!  I breathed a huge sigh of relief and then I wrote this review.  And, in case I haven’t made it clear, Hollywood High is one of the worst movies ever made.  It didn’t even work as a time capsule because it left me hating the 70s with such a passion that I’m probably going to have to rewatch Saturday Night Fever, Dazed and Confused, Boogie Nights, and American Hustle to remind myself why I was ever fascinated by the decade in the first place!

I made it through Hollywood High.  And now, let us never speak of it again…