Dance Scenes that I Love: Aidan Quinn, Daryl Hannah, and Adam Baldwin in Reckless & Judge Reinhold and Nicolas Cage in Zandalee!

Hi, everyone!

Tonight, I am going to share two dance scenes that I love!


Because I love dancing and, even more importantly, I love our wonderful readers!

Our first scene was suggested to me by Valerie Troutman.  It’s from a 1984 film called Reckless.  I haven’t even seen this film but I liked this little scene.  The dancing starts at 2:20 and let’s just say that you’ll never look at Aidan Quinn the same way again.

Our second scene is one that I’ve shared before but it’s just such an odd little scene that I feel like I have to share it again.  Who knows — maybe someone out there is depressed and could use some cheering up.  In this scene from 1991’s Zandalee, Judge Reinhold and Nicolas Cage share a dance while Erika Anderson watches.


Let’s Talk About Ozark Sharks!

Ozark Sharks

Last night, while most you were probably watching the Democratic National Convention, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I were watching and live tweeting a movie on SyFy called Ozark Sharks.

And you know what?

I’m glad that I was because, seriously, Ozark Sharks was a tremendous amount of fun.  I’m also proud that we managed to get Ozark Sharks trending on twitter, if just because that caused a lot of confusion among the normals, many of whom seemed to assume that it was some sort of politically themed hashtag.  For example:

Well, with all apologies to the political junkies of twitter, that’s not what Ozark Sharks is about.

Instead, Ozark Sharks is probably the best film that will ever be made about sharks invading a river in Arkansas.  Now, if you’re asking yourself: “Why are there sharks in Arkansas?,” you’re not doing this right.  The why is not important.  What is important is that there are six hungry sharks in the water and they’re willing to eat anyone that they come across.  Literally no one is safe.  Not your boyfriend.  Not your best friends.  Not the guy who you were thinking of going out with in case you ever broke up with your boyfriend.  Not even lovable older tourists.  Ozark sharks will eat anyone.

(And they’re messy eaters, the type that regularly leave legs and arms floating in the water.)

Making things even worse, the river leads to a lake and the citizens of a nearby town are planning on shooting of fireworks at that very same lake.  They’re hanging out, drinking beer, listening to country music, hanging out on the docks, and floating around in inner tubes.  And little do they realize that sharks are heading straight towards them!

Luckily, hope is not lost.  There’s a family that’s come down to the lake for the weekend.  Will they be able to stop the sharks or are they all destined to end up as shark bait?  Well, let’s consider who they are:

First off, there’s Diane (Laura Cayouette, who many of you will recognize as Leonardo DiCaprio’s sister in Django Unchained) and her husband, Rick (Michael Papajohn).  I liked Diane and Rick.  They were a likable couple and Cayouette and Papajohn had a very believable chemistry.  You actually believed that they were married and in love and I cannot begin to say how important that was to the overall effectiveness of the film.  They both committed to the roles and, as a result, Diane and Rick came across like the type of people you would want as your neighbors.

Their oldest child is named Harrison (Dave Davis).  Harrison is single and could really use a girlfriend.  Fortunately, he meets Dawn (Ashton Leigh), who is stranded on a rock in the middle of the river and in a pretty emotional state because she’s just seen all of her friends (including her boyfriend) eaten by a shark.  Fortunately, for Harrison, that means that she is now single.

Harrison’s younger sister is named Molly (Allisyn Ashley Arm).  I think the general consensus on twitter was that, by the end of the movie, Molly was everyone’s favorite character.  When Molly first appears, she is defiantly insisting on reading a book and refusing to get into the river.  Speaking as someone who ruined many a family vacation by doing the same thing, I immediately related to Molly.  If Molly had spent the whole movie just reading her book and maintaining her indifferent attitude, she already would have already been the best character in the film.  But, instead, Molly quickly emerged as the family badass, which makes her even cooler.  I don’t want to spoil the film but let’s just say that if your state is ever invaded by sharks, you’re going to want Molly on your side.

Curtis (Ross Britz) is Molly’s wonderfully goofy boyfriend.  More than anything, you have to love Curtis because he seems to genuinely be overjoyed to have a chance to fight sharks.  Fortunately, Jones (Thomas Francis Murphy) is also around to teach Molly and Curtis how to deal with sharks.  (Jones even gets to utter a line that serves an homage to Jaws.  I won’t spoil it, though, because it was a fun moment that you should experience on your own.)  Jones owns a bait shop but he’s also an expert in how to kill sharks and he’s got a storeroom full of all sorts of weapons.  He even has a harpoon cannon, which he claims is only used to fight sharks though I suspect that it has other uses as well.

(There’s another member of the family as well, but I fear that if I talk too much about her, I’ll be spoiling one of the film’s more surprising moment.  So, I’ll just say that Sharon Garrison did a great job playing her!)

So, if it’s not clear already, I absolutely loved Ozark Sharks.  This is one of those lovingly crafted and unabashedly entertaining films that epitomizes everything that we love about old B-movies and modern day SyFy films.  This is a genuinely fun and entertaining movie, one that is meant to be watched by you and a group of your snarkiest friends.

On a personal note, I appreciate the fact that this movie got the Ozarks right.  When I was growing up,  I spent a lot of time in Arkansas.  My grandmother lived in Ft. Smith and my family lived in Fouke (home of the Fouke Monster) for a year.  I still visit Arkansas fairly frequently.  For the record, of course, Ozark Sharks was actually filmed in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  But no matter!  Regardless of where it was actually filmed, Ozark Sharks gets Arkansas right.  It captures the atmosphere, the accents, and the attitudes of the Ozarks and then it throws in a nice little spin by adding sharks.

Ozark Sharks was directed by Misty Talley, who also directed last year’s Zombie Shark.  Ozark Sharks shares much of the same crew as Zombie Shark (and a few of the same cast members as well, including Laura Cayouette and Becky Andrews) and they all should be as proud of their work on both films.  As opposed to the rather dark Zombie Shark, Ozark Sharks is a rather light-hearted film.  (Though there is one death, towards the end of the film, that definitely caught everyone watching it by surprise and got us all feeling a little emotional.)  Last year, I announced that Zombie Shark was the best of that year’s SyFy original films.  I think the same may very well prove to be true of Ozark Sharks.

Excluding Sunday’s premiere of Sharknado 4, Ozark Sharks was the final original film of SyFy’s Shark week.  (For those interested, I’m planning on live tweeting the Hell out of Sharknado 4 and I’ll be doing not just an east coast live tweet but a second live tweet with my friends on the west coast as well!)  Below, I’ve ranked them all five of the Shark week premieres in order, with number 1 being my favorite.

(Personally, I liked all five of the premieres so being ranked fifth on this list should not be taken as a criticism.)

  1. Ozark Sharks
  2. Dam Sharks
  3. Atomic Shark
  4. Planet of the Sharks
  5. Ice Sharks

Thank you, SyFy, for another great shark week!  And, if you missed any of these premieres, keep an eye out because SyFy will probably repeat most of them during this weekend!


Film Review: Gums (1976, dir. Robert J. Kaplan)


With Deep Jaws (1976) over, I decided to watch the full blown porno spoof of Jaws called Gums. Why did I decide to review these two movies again? Oh, and these movies must have known about each other cause they actually say “Deep Jaws” in this film. It’s somehow better made than Deep Jaws, but that’s not saying much. Also, I’m pretty sure the version I have was censored at some point. I say “at some point” because it’s obvious that whoever did it was in on the whole thing. All the runtime is here as far as I know. They just save me some black boxes by putting humorous things there instead. Let’s take a look at this thing.

The movie opens like a slasher movie by giving us an opening kill.


This time around we have a mermaid that seeks out people, and gives them blow jobs to death. By that, I mean she appears to bite it off after sucking on it for awhile. She also seems to do interpretative dance. I have no idea why, but she does that in this movie on several occasions.

You know the Jaws formula, so let’s introduce this movie’s equivalent of the well-known characters.


That’s our sheriff. Their actual names aren’t important to anything. He finds the severed penis and stock footage of a beaver.


The guy who found it says it looks like it was chewed off by a beaver, so they cut to this shot before going back to the characters.

He takes the severed cock back to his office, which immediately turns on his secretary. She comes over to him, so I can show you what I mean by censorship in this movie.


Definitely censored, but by people who had a sense of humor.

Time to meet the mayor!


He surprises the sheriff…


which really makes me think that actor Paul Styles here played Dracula in Suckula (1973).

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

It could be. I mean it turned out that the anchorman from Suckula was Buck in the Back To The Future movies.

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Then a black guy comes in to tell the story of how he was sitting on a small boat while his “twin” brother was sucked to death in the water. I put twin in quotes cause I’m pretty sure it’s the same actor who played both brothers. Here’s what I think of that scene.


Time to call in a sexpert. Unfortunately Susie Bright would have been only 18 when this movie came out, so they go with a Dr. Smegma.


He is played by none other than Robert Kerman. Comic book fans may remember him as the Tugboat Captain in Spider-Man (2002). He also showed up in Debbie Does Dallas (1978), Cannibal Holocaust (1980), and Cannibal Ferox (1981) among many other films.

This begins a sex scene that I’m pretty sure has lifted music seeing as I heard some prior to this. No matter, because we quickly go back to the rest of the characters and the deaths hit the papers.


I love how serious actor Zack Norman takes playing the reporter just before he prints the story. In 1984 he would go on to play Ira in Romancing the Stone. That’s a step up. He could have wound up in Romancing the Bone (1984) instead. He was also in an episode of the 1990’s TV Show The Flash. That means that between him and Robert Kerman, we have both Marvel and DC actors in a Jaws porno spoof.

By the way, “Welcome To Great Head”.


Ready to meet the Robert Shaw equivalent?


That’s Nazi Quint played by none other than Brother Theodore. You might recognize him from several places. The year after this, he did the voice of Gollum in The Hobbit and later in The Return of the King (1980). However, most people probably know him from his last role in The ‘Burbs (1989). He actually got his start in films back in the 1940s doing film noir such as The Third Man (1949).

This scene goes on forever with him talking. On the upside, he is the best actor in the film next to Robert Kerman. During this scene I’m even more sure that Paul Styles is Dracula from Suckula.


Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Makes even more sense when you notice that Terri Hall who plays the mermaid was in one of the movies that is on the same box set as Suckula.

Let’s move on because what the hell is this thing it cuts to next?

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h33m54s386 (1)

My only guess is that they felt the need to foreshadow that they will use puppets to get the mermaid at the end. I agree with Brother Theodore: “Absolutely disgusting.”

After a bunch of stock footage and nonsense scenes that were maybe longer originally, we are at the beach and we finally meet our mermaid.


You might be wondering about now, and the answer is yes. Yes, they do play the actual Jaws theme. That is till the blow job starts, then who knows where this crazy music that starts playing came from.

Dr. Smegma eventually shows up after the mermaid attack and I have to give it to Robert Kerman…


because he is the only one in the cast who at all resembles a member of the original cast in appearance and acting.

A bunch of weird sex things happen now that aren’t important. You don’t want to hear about Porno Dreyfuss and his sex doll that he insists on bringing over to the sheriff’s place. I mean involving animals weird. It gets really bizarre.

It eventually gets back to the plot, but not before it makes a mermaid joke.


That’s the famous “Chicken of the Sea” as Porno Dreyfuss says. Somebody gets attacked, and the next day it’s time for Brother Theodore to monologue again like he did at the town hall meeting before they set off to get her.


Porno Dreyfuss is happy cause he spots the sheriff’s secretary in a boat mostly naked. This is when we find out that not only does the mermaid dance, but I’m pretty sure she eats out the secretary to death. How does that work? In the end, the mermaid dances off into the water and the secretary looks dead on the beach.

Now the mermaid attacks the boat, and we get the dumbest peace of censorship in the movie.


This happens when the mermaid attacks Porno Dreyfuss through the toilet. I’m not showing the shot of her head popping out of the toilet. It might give you nightmares.

The rest is just a really lame recreation of the ending of Jaws till they just throw out the people, replace them with small puppets, and then she sucks on something that explodes. Roll credits!


I wish this version hadn’t been censored because I’m sure it would have made more sense, but at least they were trying for something and could actually do things. Deep Jaws just messed around till it dropped a space capsule in a pool, called it good, and ran the credits.

Do I recommend Gums and/or Deep Jaws? NO! If you want a spoof/homage to Jaws, then watch Blades. I reviewed it briefly last October. The movie is still up legally to watch as well. It’s the one to see. These are both terrible films.

Music Video of the Day: Groove Is In The Heart by Deee-Lite (1990, dir. Hiroyuki Nakano)

Short post.

How do you say I totally missed Deee-Lite’s existence? How do you say I pretty much wasn’t aware of this song till YouTube? How do you say I have next to nothing to say about this video?

Hmm…I think I just did. If The B-52s made sure we knew that tin roof was rusted, then Deee-Lite made sure you could get stoned without having to take drugs. I mean Bootsy Collins even shows up in this music video at the end to bring up drugs. I think we know the thought process that went through director Hiroyuki Nakano’s mind here. It’s like every acid trip scene that was in 60s and 70s cartoons except in music video form and with real people.

That’s it! Fun is in the music video!