Tactical Fantasy Concept by Eliot Min

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Viktor VonGlum

Dungeons and Dragons meets Call of Duty is the best way I could describe “Tactical Fantasy”. First came across the term on Eliot Min’s deviantArt page and was Wowed by the artwork/fleshed out concept. He took the standard classes and polished them off with modern combat sensibility. Would love to see this concept realized in a next gen video game franchise. Hope Mr. Min expands his Hungry Hounds roster to include other D & D staples like a cleric or assassin.

The Hungry Hounds Insignia:

The Tactical Knight:

The battlefield has always needed a warrior that can physically move the line of action. The Knight determines the line of enemy contact with his presence. Brute strength and sheer determination pushes his enemies back, and with his battle hardened long sword, he is able to strike down the enemy. With his team behind him, he jumps into the fray and engages in close quarter combat. If any order is to be seen in the theatre of war, it’s thanks to the Knight being able to hold his ground.

To be victorious in C.Q.C., the Knight needs 3 things. Speed, surprise, and violence of action. To assist him, he is suited with these three goals in mind. Sand filled carbotanium armor keeps the Knight’s center mass protected, while reducing noise from what was once made from steel plates.

Cutting edge polymer plastics constitute the Knight’s tower shield. This clear polymer “riot shield” allows the knight to keep key members of his team and himself safe as he barrels through combat areas while giving him the situational awareness he needs to safely navigate the battlefield.

The Knight’s motto is to never lose his sword once drawn. But in the reality of battle, amidst the confusion and madness of a skirmish, soldiers have found it difficult to live by that motto. With the Thrdhnd™ sling system, we make that goal a little bit easier. Connected to the long sword’s ring pommel via carabiner, the Thrdhnd™ forms an unbreakable connection between the sword and its operator.

The Tactical Archer:

The modern mobile assault team is said to be built around the Archer. What separates the Archer from other combat operatives is the Archer’s ability to reach high value targets from far distances. Modern tactics have been sculpted around this aspect, and typically teams are assembled with the objective of providing the Archer with a clear shot.

Because an Archer’s shot is imbued with such importance in missions, there has been continuous efforts towards maximizing the impact of the Archer’s payload. The bow string of a mil spec long range bow platform is said to have enough tensile strength to cut through soft wood. At a full draw, this high tension spider silk bow string allows the arrow to reach its target at super sonic speeds, while arrow shafts are milled from aircraft aluminum to ensure minimum mid flight flexing. But it’s most often the arrowhead that is crafted with the most exotic materials, ranging from high carbon steels to depleted uranium.

Though the main objective of the Archer is to send accurate shots to eliminate essential targets, the harsh demands of combat and ever increasing tensile strength of the bow string necessitated the development of a new hands free/ bow hand support system. Cutting edge gyro scope technology now allows the Archer to take both hands away from his primary weapon to adjust arrowheads, switch to his secondary weapon, or make quick adjustments to his bow without having to break his sight picture. This new anchor point assisting levers system, or APAL system allows the Archer not only to load his arrow to his rig and go hands free, but allows him to concentrate on observation and surveillance without having to sacrifice the time it takes to get that crucial arrow down range.

The Tactical Mage:

The persistent challenge facing the modern mage is the need for a consistent mana source in an ever changing combat environment and the stealth needed for the mage to finish reciting his spells without being detected by the enemy. With the patented BakTac™ Ghillie suit system, you can carry your favorite mana rich vegetation on you at all times.

The BakTac™ system allows you to create a mini Eco-system you can pull from whenever necessary. Add high mana generating poison spiders and black adders to the mix for on the fly sacrifices needed for spell boosts when encountering pinch situations.

Paired with the TuffTome™ digital display spell book, the modern mage now boasts the most compact magic systems in history, ready for any challenge in the modern battlefield.

The Tactical Bard:

If there was one operative that can set the tempo for a combat situation, it would have to be the Bard. Her objective isn’t to send direct damage down range, but to manipulate battle situations through less than lethal means. Though it’s rare that a Bard will boast a high kill count, it’s thanks to her the term “psychological warfare” has been coined.

Outfitted with a high decibel tactical P.A. system, her influence on the battlefield is greatly amplified. With just her lute and voice, she sings songs that can mould the psyche of her enemies. In some cases, through singing highly classified songs, Bards have convinced enemy combatants to simply walk away from a battlefield out of home sickness.

Mobile assault teams with Bards as part of their group train rigorously together. To the point that they seem to develop their own language. This is important because if communication lines are down, the Bard is able to communicate songs of battlefield situations to just her team through her back mounted P.A. system.

In breaching missions she is invaluable. She can throw short band high fidelity wireless speakers calibrated to her throat mic into sealed rooms to sing songs of confusion before sending in the entire team to overwhelm the enemy.

Art Acknowledgements:

Everything was created by Eliot Min. His tumblr is: http://niwindustries.tumblr.com

Naruto: An unexpected gem for Scifi fans

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Viktor VonGlum

I don’t know about you but I would never expect to see body modification, body horror, or genetic experimentation in a ninja themed manga. It’s all in Masahi Kishimoto’s Naruto.

Disclaimer: THE CONTENT BELOW IS FILLED WITH SPOILERS! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN PERIL!

Madara Uchiha implanted his rival, Hashirama Senju’s DNA into his body and gained his botanical manipulation ninjutsu. A strange growth that resembled Hashirama appeared on his chest as a result.

Obito, descendant of the legendary Uchiha clan, was grievously injured in combat and would have perished without Madara’s intervention. Madara replaced damaged limbs with White Zetsu parts (a White Zetsu is essentially an artificial plant being derived from Hashirama Senju and possessing botanical manipulation and shape shifting abilities). Obito could sprout thorns and grow trees from his Zetsu parts.

Nagato, a descendant of the Uzumaki clan and recipient of Madara’s Rinnegans (a Rinnegan is an ocular mutation possessed by the creator of ninjutsu, the Sage of the Six Path). He was able to manifest black rods on his back which enabled him to animate cadavers, replicate the Rinnegan within them, and utilize the Sage ninjutsu through them. He is able to “operate” 6 proxies remotely, see through their eyes, and coordinate attacks.

Nagato:

Nagato’s Proxies:

Kabuto, the medical ninja and faithful apprentice of Orochimaru, build upon the genetic research of his master & experimented on himself. He integrated his master’s true form (Orochimaru’s true form is serpentine and composed of a mass of white snakes as a result of his experimentation) into himself and the genetic material of Orochimaru’s elite minions. Kabuto’s skin became scaly and white, his eyes became serpentine and he gained a body similar to a naga (with a chimera tail). When he entered Sage Mode, he regained humanoid legs, grew horns, and the “chimera tail” moved to his belly button. His “tail” could replicate the forms of the genetic donors & manifest their unique abilities.

Default Mode:

Sage Mode:

Shin Uchiha is a former test subject and experiment of Orochimaru. His unique body accepted all transplanted organs and genetic material. He was cloned in order to discover the secret of his unique physiology. He possesses a transplanted Sharingan eye in his right eye socket (a Sharingan is an ocular mutation unique to the Uchiha clan and consumes a massive amount of energy when transplanted in and used by non-Uchiha). He has numerous Sharingans all over his body. He can teleport with his fully evolved eye and control objects he marked telekinetically. He can see through a proxy Sharingan creature and utilize the teleportation ability.

Spy Creature:

Art Acknowledgements:

Original Art by Masashi Kishimoto and the animation cells are by Studio Pierrot

Good News! You Don’t Need To “Starve” For A Great Read Anymore!

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Ryan C. (fourcolorapocalypse)

Don’t look now, but Brian Wood is on a roll.

The once-hot wunderkind comics writer, who was felled last year by allegations of sexual harassment at comics conventions, apparently did some sort of public mea culpa/’fessing up, and is now deemed to be perfectly employable again.

For my part — to the extent that it even matters — I guess I’m still a little bit uncomfortable about the whole thing, but let’s be honest : Wood is certainly not the first industry pro to attempt to play the “casting couch” card with eager young female talent, nor (sadly) will he be the last. And there have been a lot worse offenders than him over the years. But he was the first to get called out publicly on social media for laying on the “I can really help you get a break in the industry, let’s got up to my room and talk about it” line, and he deserved it. I give him credit for not ducking the issue once it came to light, and better still for not “victim-shaming” the target of his unwanted and unwelcome advances — and the fact that feminist colorist Jordie Bellaire is still willing to work with him on Rebels despite having a more-than-full-plate of assignments should probably tell us all that Wood does, in fact, “get it,” and is appropriately regretful for his sleazy, boorish behavior — but I have to confess, the whole thing has seriously dampened my enthusiasm for a guy who was doing not just good, but often excellent work, and wasn’t at all afraid to pepper his narratives with spot-on leftist and progressive themes.

In short, I genuinely thought Wood was one of the good guys. Now, I’m not so sure.

What I am sure of, though, is that he’s come out of his self-imposed exile and is producing some of the strongest work of his career. The aforementioned Rebels that he’s doing over at Dark Horse with artist Andrea Mutti is a supremely engaging Revolutionary War period piece that looks to be his next Northlanders-style historical epic, while assuming the role of his next DMZ-esque series about class politics in a dystopian future we have the just-released Starve from Image Comics, which sees him teaming up with artist extraordinaire Danijel Zezelj and superstar colorist Dave Stewart (who, in a classy move, has been credited along with the writer and artist as a third co-creator on the book and owns a one-third copyright on the material). Wood has come out with rhetorical guns blazing on both titles, and seems bound and determined to win back his fans’ loyalty by producing top-quality product. So far, I gotta say, the results are very impressive indeed.

Just how impressive? How about this — the debut issue of Starve actually has me interested in a story about a goddamn celebrity chef, an “occupation” for which I harbor not just zero respect, but a healthy amount of outright contempt (along with the entire sick, bloated, excessive, nauseating edifice of “foodie culture” in general — half the world is starving to death and we have the nerve to critique food based on its “presentation” and “flavor profile”? Give me a fucking break). What’s next, I ask you? A genuinely human and moving story about a member of the Bush family?

In any case, our main protagonist here is one Gavin Cruikshank (the coolest name for a new character in comics in quite some time), a sort of Anthony Bourdain-if-he-still-shot-smack who hosted, a lifetime ago, a semi-popular cable TV cook-off show called — you guessed it — “Starve,” but chucked the Hollywood glitz and glamour a few years back to go on an extended booze-and-drugs-fueled bender in Hong Kong. Sounds like a plan, right? There’s just one problem — he’ still contractually obligated to do eight more episodes of his show, and the network has called in its marker by cancelling his credit cards and sending a private plane over to bring him back Stateside ASAP.

Ah, well — no good thing lasts forever, I suppose. Oh, and did I mention that while Cruikshank was off on his heroically-extended “lost weekend” that the world economy collapsed, the rich bastards at the top took open control of all aspects of society, his show was transformed into a competitive “cook something good for the 1% or die” monstrosity that’s now hosted by his former chief rival and is the biggest thing on TV, and that his vindictive ex-wife, with whom he has a teenage daughter that he hasn’t seen in years, bulldozed her way to the top of the network that airs it and will therefore be his new boss? Yup, a lot of shit can go down when you’re not paying attention.

Not that Cruikshank is necessarily the easiest hero to root for himself, mind you : the ex has good reason for hating him given that he was well into his 40s — and 17 years into their marriage — before he finally came out of the closet (ignore the scene where he appears to be flirting with a female flight attendant, I guess), but I still suspect his heart is generally in the right place when, after returning to his show and being commanded to cook “the common meat” (dog, in case you were wondering) in a way that his rich paymasters will find appetizing, he determines, with steely resolve, to use the next eight episodes to get his show back, get his money back, get his daughter back, and bring the network crashing down. No doubt about it, friends — flaws and all, I like this cat. Even if he is a chef.

Plus, how cool is is that we’re getting as our central protagonist a gay guy in his mid-5os with substance abuse problems? Seen anyone like that in any Marvel or DC books lately? I didn’t think so.

Nor will you anytime soon, of course, which is why independent comics aren’t just “important,” but vital. And while lots of creators are being offered all the freedom they want with publishers like Image, how many of them are really giving us something that falls all that far outside of standard super-hero adventure fare? Starve isn’t just out to nudge you out of your comfort zone, but to obliterate it altogether — how cool is that?

No doubt this is a sophisticated story, and it’s a damn good thing that it’s presented in such a visually sophisticated manner. Zezelj employs highly inventive panel layouts, cinematic angles, and expertly-deployed shadowing to give his work almost an “updated Krigstein” feel (I say almost because, let’s face it, no one will ever be as flat-out awesome as Bernard Krigstein), and it’s no exaggeration in the least to say that this is the most artistically accomplished book on the racks right now with the possible exception of Alan Moore and Jacen Burrows’ Providence (even though Zezelj and Burrows’ art styles couldn’t be more different). This is just great art, it’s also smart art, and there are a number of panels here that are more than suitable for gallery framing.

Which brings us, finally, to Dave Stewart, whose amazing colors bring it all home. “Smart art” needs smart coloring, too, after all, and Stewart doesn’t miss a beat, knowing precisely which dominant hues to bring to the foreground at any given time while letting a limited-but-varying selection of secondary tones play out against each other in the background. I’d fork over a 33% ownership stake to get this guy onboard, too, that’s how good his work is.

Are you sold on getting this yet? Because you really should be. About a year ago at this time, Vertigo was saying that their nine-issue series series The Names, by Peter Milligan and Leandro Fernandez, was going to be “the comic where the 1% finally get what’s coming to them” — and while it didn’t exactly deliver on that promise, Wood, Zezelj, and Stewart seem more than ready to do just that, plus interest. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of reading this first issue three times already, and there’s no doubt that I’m — sorry — very hungry for more.

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #126: Veronika Decides To Die (dir by Emily Young)

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, here we are!

It’s been 9 weeks since we originally embarked on this journey that I called Embracing The Melodrama Part II. At that time, my plan was to do 126 reviews in just three weeks. It didn’t quite work out that way, did it? But still, I had fun doing this series of reviews and I hope that you’ve had at least a little fun reading them. If I’ve inspired you take a chance on any of the films that I’ve reviewed — whether it be Sunrise or An American Hippie In Israel or Cocaine: One Man’s Seduction or Calvary — then this has all been worth it!

So, for my final review in this series, I want to take a quick look at one of the most melodramatic films to be released this year so far, Veronika Decides To Die.

Veronika Decides To Die finally got an American release in 2015, six years after it initially premiered on the festival circuit. Years before it was available here in the States, Veronika played in Europe. Not surprisingly, the American release felt much like an afterthought, one final attempt to make a little money off the film before moving on. It’s spent about a week in theaters and two months later, it is now showing up on cable and Netflix. And while Veronika didn’t get many reviews, the few that it did get were rather dismissive.

But you know what?

I like Veronika Decides To Die.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a great film. In many ways, it’s a very silly film. The entire plot hinges on a character doing something that makes no sense. Frustrated with her life as an anonymous and lonely office worker, Veronika (Sarah Michelle Gellar) attempts to commit suicide. She survives the suicide attempt and, upon waking in a mental hospital, she’s told by a mysterious psychologist (David Thewlis) that, as a result of her attempt, she now has a heart condition that will kill her in a matter of weeks. And what does Veronika decide to do after learning that she’s going to die? She voluntarily remains in the mental hospital and goes to sessions of group therapy!

And you never really believe that Veronika would do that. But, if you can bring yourself to accept that one implausibility — well, you’ll soon be confronted by a lot of other implausibilities. You’ll meet Veronika’s glassy-eyed roommate (Erika Christensen) and a mysterious older patient (Melissa Leo). You’ll also meet Edward (Jonathan Tuker), who is mute but has such a sexy stare that he really doesn’t need to speak. And as Veronika gets to know her fellow patients, she starts to come to terms with her own issues of anger and regret and she realize that importance of embracing life and doing what you love.

Of course, that’s a little hard to do when you’re in a mental hospital. Luckily, there’s a piano that Veronika can play while Edward silently watches her. If you’re guessing that this eventually leads to Veronika sitting naked at the piano and masturbating in front of Edward, well, you’re right…

Listen, Veronika Decides To Die is one of those films that takes itself way too seriously and it ends with a plot twist that you’ll see coming from a thousand miles away. I can understand why the film’s release was delayed because the film’s tone is all over the place.

But, dammit, I liked Veronika Decides To Die!

When taken on its own defiantly melodramatic terms, it works. That’s largely because Sarah Michelle Gellar really commits herself to the role. You forget that you’re watching Buffy. Instead, Gellar truly becomes Veronika, this tragically sad and lonely young woman who finds inner peace by masturbating at a piano. Veronika Decides To Die is a movie that really shouldn’t work but Sarah Michelle Gellar saves it. When the film starts, she beautifully captures Veronika’s lonely desperation, her feelings of isolation and worthlessness. (I don’t care who you are, we’ve all felt like Veronika at some point in our life.) As the film progresses, she portrays both Veronika’s anger and her growing appreciation of life. She has a nice chemistry with Jonathan Tucker and, in the end, Sarah Michelle Gellar probably gives a better performance than the material really deserves.

Of course, another reason that Veronika Decides To Die works is because it is so silly and melodramatic. This is one of those films that goes so far over-the-top that it creates an almost heightened sense of reality. It becomes, almost despite itself, compulsively watchable.

It’s also the perfect film with which to complete Embracing the Melodrama Part II. I hope y’all have enjoyed reading these 126 reviews because I’ve certainly enjoyed writing them! To everyone who has read these reviews and clicked on the “like” button and occasionally left a comment or two, thank you so much! Love you! However much effort or work it may take, all of you make it worth it.

And now I’m going to go pass out for a little while…

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #125: Spring (dir by Justin Benson and Aaron Moorehead)

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

When was the last time that a film truly took your be surprise?

Well, regardless of what you may think of the film overall, Spring will take you by surprise. The film takes two different genres — talky romance and body horror — and mashes them together. It’s the sort of thing that shouldn’t work and, yet, it somehow does. If Richard Linklater and David Cronenberg spliced their DNA, the result would be Spring.

Spring opens in Los Angeles, with Evan (Lou Taylor Pucci) sitting at the bedside of his cancer-stricken mother and watching her die. After the funeral, Evan is drinking at a bar when a drunk and obnoxious toadsucker picks a fight with him. Though Evan, at first, tries to avoid the confrontation, he eventually ends up punching the man. (Evan spends the majority of the film trying to avoid confrontation. He’s actually a genuinely likable character and when was the last time you saw that in a film?) With the man now looking to kill him and the police possibly interested in pressing assault charges, the distraught Evan impulsively decides to take a trip to Italy.

He spends a while wandering around Italy. He hangs out with obnoxious and continually drunk tourists, the type who will be familiar to anyone who has ever spent the summer after high school graduation in Europe. And, eventually, he ends up in a beautiful Italian village, where he meets the mysterious Louise (Nadia Hilker).

Louise is a researcher and, at first, it would seem like she and Evan have little in common. (She’s an intellectual. Evan, cute as he is, most definitely is not.) But, over the course of a week, they get to know each other and Evan starts to fall in love with Louise. These scenes are full of nonstop conversation, covering topics of culture, history, and philosophy. It’s an obvious homage to Richard Linklater’s films with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy and it works perfectly. Both Pucci and Hilker are likable performers and they have a lot of chemistry.

However, there’s another story unfolding. At night, a strange creature roams the city, eating stray animals and eventually killing one of the most obnoxious American tourists to ever appear in a film. How do these two stories connect?

Well, I’m not going to tell you. You need to see the movie for yourself.

To be honest, when I started this review, I thought I was going to be a lot more critical of Spring. As often happens with ambitious but low-budget indie films, there are a few scenes where the pacing is off and, once the solution to the film’s big mystery has been revealed, the explanation goes on for a bit too long. I appreciate the filmmakers attempt to make everything plausible but, sometimes, it’s better to just gloss over the exact details.

But you know what?

As I sit here writing this review, I realize that those criticisms may be valid but, in the big picture, they don’t really matter. So what if the film has flaws? All films have flaws! Spring tells a unique and interesting story and it will take you by surprise. Plus, it captures the romance of Italy! So, instead of getting all nitpicky, I’m just going to recommend that you see the film.

Embracing the Melodrama #124: Maps to the Stars (dir by David Cronenberg)

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I have to admit that, for the most petty of reasons, I was dreading the 2014 release of David Cronenberg’s Maps to the Stars.

This was despite the fact that I happen to be a big fan of just about everyone in the cast and David Cronenberg as a director. (I still say that Cosmopolis is one of the best films of the decade and I don’t care who disagrees.)

My initial issue with Maps to the Stars — and again, I admit this is really petty — was that Sasha Stone, over the Awards Daily web site, was so damn fanatical about singing the film’s praises. I have a theory that Sasha tends to overpraise certain films specifically so she can have an excuse to get angry and go off on a rant when they don’t receive any Oscar nominations. Ever since Sasha went batshit crazy over The King’s Speech beating The Social Network, Awards Daily has pretty much gone from being a site about the Oscars to being a site about Sasha screaming in the wilderness like a biblical prophet (and not one of the interesting biblical prophets, like Elijah. We’re talking about Haggai here.) From what I had read about Maps To The Stars and judging from the response that it got at Cannes (where, despite mixed reviews, it did win an award when Julianne Moore was named best actress), this film seemed like the epitome of another deliberate lost cause.

Fortunately, the release date of Maps To The Stars was moved to 2015 and civilization was spared from having to deal with a thousand “If Cronenberg doesn’t get an Oscar, society is doomed!” rants. Instead, we had to deal with a thousand “If Hillary Swank doesn’t win for The Homesman, society is doomed!” rants.

“Okay,” you’re saying, “that’s great Lisa. Thank you for whatever all that was. But what about the movie itself!? Is it any good?”

Eh … I guess.

I mean, Maps to The Stars isn’t a bad movie. It’s not bad at all. It’s just maddeningly uneven.

One of my favorite up-and-coming stars, Mia Wasikowska, has a great role in it. She plays a schizophrenic, named Agatha, who comes to Hollywood. Agatha’s arms and the back of her neck are covered with burn scars and she is always taking pills. She is also obsessed with a vile teen star named Benjie Weiss (Evan Bird). There’s more to her obsession than you might originally think.

Benjie, meanwhile, has just gotten out of rehab and he is literally one of the worst characters ever. The film does try to build up some sympathy for him by revealing just how fucked up his home life is. His fragile mother (Olivia Williams) always seems to be on the verge of collapse. His father (John Cusack) is a glib and shallow psychologist. Benjie serves as a stand-in for every child star who has been destroyed by Hollywood. Unfortunately, the film devotes so much time to Benjie being a monster that it never really allows us to see why Benjie’s a star in the first place. Evan Bird gives such a boring, uninteresting, and flat performance that you never really buy the idea of Benjie could be a success. (Say what you will about Justin Bieber, he does at least have a cute smile. Evan Bird can’t even claim that.)

Agatha meets a lot of people in Hollywood, including a limo driver (Robert Pattinson) who is an aspiring screenwriter. She eventually gets a job working for actress Havana Segrand (Julianne Moore). Havana, herself the daughter of a legendary and self-destructive actress, is a monster but — unlike, Benjie — she’s a sympathetic monster. She’s a talented actress who grew up in Hollywood and now, because she’s no longer in her 20s, is being discarded by Hollywood. Havana is as much a victim as a victimizer.

Anyway, the film kinda wanders about. Along with all the other stuff going on, the characters are regularly visited by ghosts. Secrets are revealed. Hearts are broken. Lives are lost. And yes, relevant points about Hollywood are made but … well, so what? There’s nothing in Maps to the Stars that you couldn’t learn from rewatching Sunset Boulevard and Sunset Boulevard is a lot less pretentious. Plus, William Holden was a much better actor than Evan Bird.

As for Cronenberg’s direction — well, Maps to the Stars is definitely David Cronenberg on autopilot. It’s filled with identifiable Cronenberg touches. The emphasis placed on Agatha’s scars, for instance, is trademark Cronenberg. But still, Cronenberg’s direction often just seems to be going through the motions. Unlike his work in the far more interesting and challenging Cosmopolis (not to mention Eastern Promises), Cronenberg doesn’t really seem to care that much about the story that he’s telling.

Maps to the Stars is worth watching for the performances of Julianne Moore and Mia Wasikowska. Otherwise, it’s just another well-made but only occasionally interesting Hollywood melodrama.

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #123: The Cobbler (dir by Thomas McCarthy)

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh, Cobbler, Cobbler — what a frustrating film you are!

There was a time when everyone was excited about seeing The Cobbler. It was originally scheduled to come out in 2014 and, along with Men, Women, & Children, it was supposed to be part of the dramatic recreation of Adam Sandler.

After all, one of the main reason why critics like me hate to see Adam Sandler devoting his time to stuff like That’s My Boy is because, in the past, Sandler has actually proven himself to be a surprisingly good and likable dramatic actor. Unfortunately, dramatic Sandler films never seem to make much money and, as a result, Sandler goes back to making films where he, David Spade, and Chris Rock play former high school classmates. If only one Sandler dramedy could be a success, we tell ourselves, then he’d never feel the need to make another movie like Jack and Jill…

(And yes, I realize that’s probably wishful thinking on our part. Even if Adam Sandler somehow won an Oscar, I get the feeling he’d follow the win by starting work on Grown Ups 3….)

The Cobbler promised that not only would Sandler be playing a more low-key role than usual but he would also be directed by Thomas McCarthy, who previously directed the excellent The Visitor and Win Win. Based on his previous films, McCarthy seemed to be the perfect filmmaker to give Adam Sandler some credibility.

And, let’s not forget, that not only would Sandler be working with Thomas McCarthy but Men, Women, & Children was being directed by Jason Reitman! At one point, it truly appeared that 2014 was going to be the year that we saw the rebirth of Adam Sandler.

And then Men, Women, & Children came out and was a disaster, despite the fact that Sandler got fairly good reviews. Meanwhile, rumors started to swirl that just maybe The Cobbler wasn’t as good as McCarthy’s previous film. When The Cobbler‘s release date was pushed back to 2015 … well, we all knew what that meant.

Anyway, The Cobbler was released in a few theaters earlier this year and on VOD. It’s now available on Netflix. I watched it last week and it’s really not as bad as I expected it to be. Of course, that’s not to say that it’s particularly good either. It’s not terrible but it is disappointing. Considering the director and the supporting cast (Dustin Hoffman, Steve Buscemi, Dan Stevens, and Melonie Diaz, who was way too good in Fruitvale Station for you not to regret how this film totally wastes her), The Cobbler should at least be interesting. Instead, it’s just kind of bland.

However, Adam Sandler does give a pretty good performance. In this film, he plays Max, a shy and emotionally withdrawn cobbler. He comes from a long line of cobblers and he inherited his store from his father (Dustin Hoffman). Years before the film begins, Max’s father mysteriously vanished. Now, Max spends his time going to and from work and taking care of his dementia-stricken mother. His only friend is Jimmy (Steve Buscemi), the paternal barber who works next door.

In the basement of Max’s shop, there’s an old stitching machine. About 30 minutes into the film, Max discovers that if be puts on a pair of shoes that have been repaired using the machine, he can physically transform into whoever owns the shoes. After experimenting with being different people, Max eventually puts on his father’s shoes. Transforming into his father, he has dinner with his mother.

The next morning, his mother dies. Max cannot even afford to buy her a good headstone. However, a local criminal (played by Method Man) has dropped off his shoes to be repaired. Perhaps, by wearing the criminal’s shoes, Max can come up with the money…

I’m probably making The Cobbler sound a lot more interesting than it actually is. And seriously, it sounds like it should a really good and thought-provoking movie. Unfortunately, McCarthy awkwardly tries to combine the broadly comedic elements (i.e., Sandler transforming into a variety of eccentric characters) with the dramatic (which includes not only Max’s anger at his father but a few murders as well). The film never finds a consistent tone and, as such, it remains an interesting idea in search of a stronger narrative. Watching the film as it wanders from scene to scene, it’s impossible not to mourn all of the missed opportunities.

But, as I said, Adam Sandler does well. Hiding his face behind a beard and only occasionally offering up a sad smile, Sandler gives a low-key performance that is full of very genuine melancholy. In this film, he proves that he can act when he wants to. You just wish that the rest of The Cobbler lived up to his performance.

Unfortunately, as far as the box office is concerned, The Cobbler is the least financially successful film that Sandler has ever appeared in. This means that plans for Grown-Ups 3 are probably already underway…