Tag Archives: TV

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.12 “Kotter For Vice Principal”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe considers selling out!

Episode 3.12 “Kotter For Vice Principal”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on November 17th, 1977)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who tried to teach an octopus how to play the bagpipes.  The octopus instead just “made love to the bagpipes” and it sounded exactly as if he knew how to play them.  Julie, who has a broken arm in this episode, doubles over laughing.

Meanwhile, at the school, rumor has it that the position of vice principal will soon be open.  While visiting the principal’s office, Epstein came across a memo in which it was stated that Mr.  Woodman’s contract was up and the school board was thinking of replacing him.  The Sweathogs immediately start to pass around a Kotter For Vice Principal petition.  Freddie signs it 20 times.  Epstein threatens to beat up anyone who doesn’t sign.

The only problem is that Mr. Kotter does not want to be Vice Principal.  He’s happy being a teacher and he doesn’t want to abandon his Sweathogs.  However, two things change his mind.  First, Mr. Woodman — who has been calling himself Uncle Woody in an attempt to bond with the students — mocks the very idea of Gabe in an important position.  Then, Julie mentions that they could use the extra money.  Gabe decides to throw his hat in the ring.

That night, Gabe has an extended dream sequence.  It’s 2050.  The Sweathogs are all in their 90s and still students at Buchanan High.  And Gabe is walking through the hallways with a crown on his head and basically acting like a pretty tyrant.  “Call me king!” he demands.  Eventually, even elderly Julie shows up and it’s hard not to notice that her arm is still in a cast.  (How badly did she break it!?)  Julie announces that she can’t wait until the peasants rise up and execute Gabe.  YIKES!

Not surprisingly, Gabe wakes up and realizes that he’s happy not being vice principal because if he had any power, it would go to his head, he would become insufferable, and his wife (or the actress playing his wife) would call for him to be killed….

Uhmm …. yeah.  Given what I’ve read about the tense set of Welcome Back, Kotter and Gabe Kaplan’s not particularly harmonious working relationship with Marcia Strassman, it’s tempting to read a lot into this episode.  Were the writers venting about working with Gabe Kaplan or were they satirizing Marcia Strassman’s hatred of the show and the characters?  Regardless, it makes for an odd episode.  On the plus side, Mr. Woodman got some good lines and the Sweathogs were back to being their usual borderline criminal self.  On the negative side, I do wish they had done more with Gabe’s dream than just put the Sweathogs in silly costumes and have them speak in exagerrated “old man” voices.

In the end, though, the important thing is that Mr. Woodman still has a job.  He’s seriously the funniest character on the show.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.20 “The Quilt of Hathor: The Awakening”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

How many more people must die before the Quilt of Hathor is stopped!?  Let’s find out.

Episode 1.20 “The Quilt of Hathor: The Awakening”

(Dir by Timothy Bond, originally aired on May 9th, 1988)

We pick up where the previous episode ended.  Ryan is still living with the ultra-religious Pentites and is still viewed with suspicion by the majority of them.  He is still in love with the Reverend Grange’s daughter, Laura.  And Effie Stokes still has the quilt that she can use to enter the dreams of others and kill them.

However, Effie is not the main villain here.  Instead, it is the Reverend Grange (Scott Paulin) who is corrupted by the quilt.  When the community’s elders tell Grange that it is important that he select a wife, he finally selects Effie.  Effie is overjoyed but, as soon becomes clear, she intends to use the quilt to kill Grange on their wedding night so that she can take over the community.  However, in the dream, Grange gets the upper hand and kills Effie instead.  Soon, Grange is using the quilt to go after anyone in the community with whom he has a grudge.  And when the members of the community suspect that witchcraft is afoot, he casts the blame on Ryan.

This is the episode where Ryan nearly gets burned at the stake.  Fortunately, Micki and Chris show up just as Ryan is about to be set on fire.  They distract the Pentites long enough for Laura to discover Effie’s body and to reveal that Grange is the murderer.  A long chase ends with Grange falling out of a barn to his death.

That, of course, also kills Laura and Ryan’s romance.  Ryan realizes that he has a holy duty to help Chris and Micki track down cursed antiques.  And Laura says that she has to stay behind to help the community rebuild.  Personally, I think she’s just reluctant to declare her love for the man who killed her father.  That’s understandable.

This was not a bad episode.  I liked the way that, for once, we got to see how a formerly good and reasonable person could be corrupted by one of the cursed antiques.  Laura and Ryan’s romance was a bit too obviously lifted from Witness but still, John D. LeMay and Carolyn Dunn had a likable chemistry together.  Just as with the first part of the story, the surreal nightmares were well-done and genuinely frightening.

Next week, Ryan and Micki search for a haunted camera!

Retro Television Review: T and T 2.19 “Family Honour”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

It’s ninja time!

Episode 2.19 “Family Honour”

(Dir by Ryszard Bugajski, originally aired on May 15th, 1989)

First things first, I have to admit that I smiled when I saw the title “Family Honour” flash on the screen.  T and T was a Canadian-produced show that always desperately tried to convince viewers that it was actually taking place in the United States.  But that “Honour,” which no one on the production staff probably even gave a second thought to, totally gives the game away.  It’s like when a Yankee trying to pretend to be from the South says that they’ve been waiting “in line” instead of “on line.”

(Of course, Texans like me also have little tells that give away our place of origin.  Me, I drop the g’s on “ing” so casually that I don’t even realize that I’m doin’ it half the time.)

Anyway, this episode begins in medias res.  Mrs. Shimada (Brenda Kamino) has invited Amy and T.S. to her home so that she can thank them by serving them tea.  Apparently, Amy arranged for a centuries-old Samurai sword to be returned to the Shimada family.  T.S., meanwhile, has been guarding the sword because of how valuable it is.  Still, that doesn’t stop a ninja from breaking into the house and trying to kill Kim (Lisa Jai), the ten year-old to whom the sword has been gifted.  Fortunately, Turner is there to run him off.

Mr. T vs. ninjas!?  Hell yeah!

Unfortunately, there aren’t really many scenes of Mr. T fighting the ninjas.  There’s one scene where he gets flipped onto his back by an apprentice ninja.  And there’s another where T.S. grabs a sword out of a ninja’s hand and then knocks him out with one punch.  That was pretty cool.  But, considering the potential here, it’s hard to be disappointed by the fact that Mr. T himself never put on a ninja outfit or flew through the air.

Instead, T.S. confronts Kim’s uncle, Ikuta (Denis Akiyama).  Having left Japan after bring shame onto the family, Ikuta relocated to Canada and opened up his own ninja training academy in Toronto.  T.S. thinks that Ikuta wants the sword for himself and he also thinks that Ikuta is trying to kill his own niece so that he can be rewarded with special ninja powers.  (Uhmm …. okay, then.)  Ikuta says that’s ludicrous and it turns out that T.S. was too quick to judge Ikuta.  It’s not Ikuta who is trying to steal the sword.  It’s Ikuta’s main student, James (David Orth)!  Ikuta proves his worth by defending Kim from James.  Turner, more or less, just observes.

That seems to be a pattern with the last few episode of T and T.  As of late, Turner hasn’t been as active a participant as in the past.  Instead, it’s hard not to feel that he’s mostly just there so that the show can introduce new characters, all of whom could potentially be spun off into another series.  This episode felt much like a backdoor pilot for a show that would have followed Ikuta as he regained his honour.  That said, this was still a marked improvement over last week’s episode.  You really can’t go wrong with ninjas.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 1.23 “The Right Thing”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan encourages an elderly man not to give up.

Episode 1.23 “The Right Thing”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on March 27th, 1985)

Elderly Harry Haynes (Lew Ayres) lives with his son (Michael Durrell), his daughter-in-law (Marcia Rodd), and his grandson, Matt (Matthew Labyorteaux).  When Harry wets the bed one too many times, his daughter-in-law demands that he be moved to a nursing home.  (I suppose it’s a sign of the time that, too modern ears, that may sound like the set up for a tasteless joke but it’s actually how the episode begins and Lew Ayres does such a good job portraying Harry’s shame and panic that your heart just breaks for him.)  Harry isn’t happy about going to the nursing home and he’s on the verge of giving up on life.  Fortunately, the new orderly is Jonathan Smith and Harry is the week’s mission.  Jonathan isn’t just in the nursing home to pass out magazines and books.  He’s also there to encourage Harry not to give up hope.

This episode is the epitome of what most people would probably come up with if they were asked to describe a typical episode of Highway to Heaven.  It’s sentimental, emotional, and so achingly sincere that it’s hard not to get caught up in it, regardless of how heavy-handed and occasionally simplistic the storytelling may be.  With Jonathan’s encouragement, Harry starts to run with his grandson.  Harry and Matt enters a grandparent/grandson relay race together.  Harry’s son says that, if Harry wins, he’ll be allowed to move back home.  Harry does win  but it turns out that no one told his daughter-in-law about the deal.  To the show’s credit, Harry’s daughter-in-law is not monster.  She’s just exhausted from having to take care of the house, her teenage son, and an elderly man.  Harry realizes that it wouldn’t be fair to her for him to move back in so, instead, he announces that he’s going to travel and see as much of the world as he can in the time he has left.

There was nothing subtle about the plot of this episode but Lew Ayres gives a sensitive and honest performance as Harry and Matthew Labyorteaux matches him as Harry’s grandson.  (Lew Ayres was an excellent actor whose career began in the early days of Hollywood.  He starred in the Oscar-winning All Quiet on The Western Front but his own pacifist beliefs led to him being temporarily blacklisted when he registered as a conscientious objector.  He later made a comeback, appearing in films like Johnny Belinda and Advise and Consent but never receiving an Oscar nomination, due to the controversy over his beliefs.)  This is a sweet episode, even if it is perhaps a bit simplistic with its message that old age can be held off by simply not giving up.  Sad to say but aging is going to get us all eventually.

Retro Television Review: King Of The Building 1.1 “Pilot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing King of the Building, which aired on CBS in 1987.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Richard Lewis is a doorman.

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by James Komack, originally aired on July 31st, 1987)

Joey (Richard Lewis) is the …. KING OF THE BUILDING!

Well, no.  Actually, he’s just a doorman for a Park Avenue apartment building.  The owner of the building, Mr. Jamison (Simon Jones), is the real king of the building but the elderly residents all prefer to deal with Joey.  That’s because Mr. Jamison is greedy and venal and always looking for an excuse to kick people out of their apartments.  His latest target is Mrs. Gladstone (Billie Bird), who has dementia and thinks that Joey is her son, Elliot.

(Mrs. Gladstone has a sitcom form of dementia, where all of her mistakes are quirky and she never loses her temper or gets paranoid or disappears for hours on end.)

When Mr. Jamison brings in a social worker (Lora Staley) to try to get Mrs. Gladatone ruled incompetent, Joey and the other workers at the building conspire to make it appear as if all of Mrs. Gladstone’s confusion is due to Mr. Jamison keeping her apartment in disrepair.  The social worker declares that Mrs, Gladstone will be fine as long as Joey is working at the building.

(Personally, I would think this would lead to Mr. Jamison just firing Joey so he could then get rid of Mrs. Gladstone but that doesn’t seem to occur to him.  Of course, Joey also mentions that he’s a member of a union so maybe Joey has his job for life.  I hope it pays well.)

This was a pilot for a series that presumably would have followed Joey as he protected the elderly residents from Jamison.  It only aired once and it didn’t lead to a series.  Watching the pilot, it’s easy to see why.  Richard Lewis, who passed away two days ago, was a comedian who was acclaimed and famous for his ability to comedically explore what it meant to be truly neurotic.  There’s not really anything neurotic or obsessive or even particularly interesting about Joey.  He gets nervous and he complains a lot but, in the end, he’s just a blue collar doorman who doesn’t like his boss.  Lewis is likable but miscast in the role.  Watching him, one gets the feeling that Lewis was holding back all of his natural instincts to play the rather subdued and sensible Joey.

Despite the failed pilot, Richard Lewis would continue to appear in television and moves for the rest of his life and he became a bit of a cultural institution.  On Curb Your Enthusiasm, he often played the voice of reason to Larry David and proved that one could play sensible without losing his edge.  And, of course, a generation will always remember him as King John.

Rest in peace, Richard Lewis.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 1.22 “Satan In The Suburbs”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

Odd episode, this week.

Episode 1.22 “Satan In The Suburbs”

(Dir by Warner Shook, originally aired on May 13th, 1989)

Despite having graduated from Yale (and having the sweatshirt to prove it), Xantipe Finch (Deborah Strang) is struggling.  Unable to interest any publishers in any of her books and raising her son, Marty (Danny Gerard), alone, Xantipe is forced to make extra money through baking and selling cookies.  The bill collectors keep calling and threatening to turn off her electricity and to kick her and Marty out onto the streets.

Then a mysterious man (played by a young Chris Noth) materializes in her kitchen.  The man says that he’s come from Hell.  Because he won a football bet with Satan, the man has been allowed to come to Earth and to recruit Xantipe to write his autobiography.  If the book is published, the man will continue to be a happy demon.  If the book fails, he’ll be either demoted or turned into a low-level angel.  Huh?  What?  I don’t know.  It didn’t make any sense while the man was explaining it and it doesn’t make any sense now that I’m typing it up.

Reluctantly, Xantipe helps the man.  The man, for his part, deals with the bill collectors and also starts to corrupt both Xantipe and her son.  The book gets written and published but Xantipe rejects the devil’s influence, even though it means returning to a life of struggling to pay the bills.  The episode ends with Xantipe back in her kitchen, baking cookies.  The man is also there but he now has tiny angel wings on his back.

Yeah, I don’t know what any of it means either.  It makes even less sense when you watch it.

This was not a great episode.  It was never really explained why the book has to be written, why Xantipe had to be the one to help write it, or why the man turned into an angel.  The episode ended with a suggestion that Xantipe and the man were now in love but there was nothing in the 20 minutes that preceded it that would have set the audience up for that ending.  Chris Noth was adequate as the demon and Deborah Strang was likable as Xantipe but otherwise, this episode felt like filler.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, the Vamp/The Offer”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s a special two-hour episode of The Love Boat!

Episodes 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, The Vamp/The Offer”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 15th, 1980)

This week, The Love Boat heads off on a two-week cruise that will take the ship, its crew, and its passengers through the Panama Canal.  There will also be stops at all the various islands on the way.  This is important because this is one of the episodes that was actually filmed on location.  Instead of the usual sets, we get to watch the action play out on an actual cruise ship.

Unfortunately, the actual cruise ship is kind of …. well, tacky.  Seriously, it’s hard not to notice that the hallways and the front lobby all look considerably more cramped and weathered than they have in other episodes of The Love Boat.  It’s also hard not to notice that the extras (who were apparently actual passengers) are all considerably older than the usual Love Boat background actors.

In fact, with the ship in such disrepair, it is any shocked that Captain Stubing is thinking of leaving?  When his old friend, Charlie (Dick Van Patten), boards the ship, he brings him a job offer.  If Stubing accepts the offer, he’ll be living in New York, he’ll be making three times the money, and Vicki will get to have a normal life.  Stubing loves the sea but he also wants Vicki to have a good future.  Vicki — in a scene that was well-acted by both Jill Whelan and Gavin MacLeod — tells him not to worry about her and that he needs to do what makes him happy.  And so, the Captain stays with the boat and I presume Vicki will continue to be taught by the tutor that we occasionally hear about but never actually see.

Meanwhile, Julie McCoy has been accused of being a vamp!  Maude Victor (Lani O’Grady) is convinced that Julie is trying to steal her fiancé, Roger (Bart Braverman).  Eventually, Roger himself become confused and Julie pretends to be interested in Roger just to get Roger and Maude back together again.  This was a dumb story and I don’t want to waste any more time on it.

Indeed, for all the Stubing drama and Julie silliness, this two-hour episode was dominated by one story.  Arrogant novelist Brian Mallory (Pernell Roberts) boards the boat with his long-suffering wife, Janet (Gayle Hunnicutt).  Brian has secretly bought tickets for three other passengers.  Peter (Skip Stephenson) is an insurance agent who is due to donate a kidney to his brother.  Marvin (Jimmie Walker) owns a bookstore.  Marcia Rand (Connie Stevens) brings along her fitness-obsessed boyfriend, Dave Porter (Peter Lupus).  Mallory reveals that Peter, Marvin, Marcia, and Gopher were the last four people to see his nephew, Tom.  Mallory has never met his nephew but he wants to track him down and apparently, Tom is living on one of the islands that the cruise is scheduled to visit.  Brian wants the four of them to help him look for Tom and he offers a $10,000 reward to make things interesting.  Why does Brian want to find his nephew?  Eventually, it is revealed that Tom is in possession of a family heirloom that Brian feels is rightfully his.  Sinister Lucius Kergo (Sorrell Brooke) is also on the cruise and he is determined to get the heirloom for himself.

Janet grows so tired of Brian’s arrogance and his obsession with finding his nephew that she declares that she’s leaving him.  Since the cruise is booked up, she ends up staying with Doc Bricker.  Doc falls for Janet but he realizes that she truly loves Brian and, when Brian starts to show some humility and some remorse for the way that he’s treated her, Doc encourages her to go back to him …. which she does because this is The Love Boat, not The Divorce Boat.

Anyway, Tom Mallory is eventually tracked down to a monastery in Puerto Rico.  Tom gives Brian the heirloom but the newly kind Brian gives it back to him so that he can sell it and use the money to build a free clinic.  Good for Brian!

Disheveled cruise ship aside and ignoring that terrible Julie plot, this was a fun episode.  The island scenery was gorgeous and the mystery of Tom’s location actually turned out to be a lot more intriguing than I was expecting it would.  Watching this episode made me want to take a cruise, even if it is a tacky one.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 1.16 “The Curator”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

Yep, it’s another late review.  Sorry, I was exhausted last night.

Episode 1.16 “The Curator”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on March 9th, 1996)

When Garth Youngblood (Steven Culp) threatens to shoot himself in her lifeguard tower, Caroline Holdren (Yasmine Bleeth) begs him not to and tells him that he not only has a lot to live but his name isn’t half as stupid as he thinks that it is.  Deciding that Caroline is in love with him, Garth turns into a full-on psycho, the type of guy who chases Caroline across the beach, puts Lifeguard Newman (Michael Newman) in the hospital, flirts with Donna, and ultimately ends up locking Caroline in a cage made to resemble an apartment, much as what happened to Billy Pilgrim in Slaughter-House Five.

Caroline turns to Mitch and his detective agency for protection. Of course, as head lifeguard, Mitch is already Caroline’s boss so he already should be looking out for her.  Unfortunately, even after Garth is arrested, he’s released after he explains that he forgot to take his Prozac.  (That’s the actual excuse that they give!  Never mind that everyone’s favorite lifeguard, Newmie!, is in the hospital because Garth smashed his head through a window.)  Garth is given a restraining but, because Caroline works on the beach, it’s easy for Garth to watch her while standing 100 feet away.

Now, on the plus side, Steven Culp was believably creepy as Garth and this episode had no fear of embracing the storyline for all of the macabre melodrama that it could.  Yasmine Bleeth also does a good job portraying Caroline’s growing fear as Garth grows more and more unstable.  As an actress on Baywatch, I’m sure she had to deal with a lot of real-life Garths and, speaking as someone who has been stalked, I appreciated that both Bleeth and the show itself took her fears seriously.  The scene in which Caroline runs across the beach with Garth in pursuit was far more effective and scary than you would ever expect to find on an episode of Baywatch Nights.

That said, this episode highlighted one of the big problems with the second half of Baywatch Night‘s debut season.  This was essentially just an episode of Baywatch, with the extra addition of Angie Harmon flirting with Mitch and Eddie Cibrian’s Griff standing the background.  (I guess Griff is a part of the detective agency now.)  Baywatch Nights originally started as a show about Mitch spending his nights as a private investigator but this episode took place largely during the day and featured Mitch as a lifeguard.  Baywatch Nights without the nights is just Baywatch.

Fear not, though!  We’re just a few episodes away from one of the most radical reboots in television history!

Retro Television: Fantasy Island 4.15 “Loving Strangers/Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

Sorry for running late with the review today.  Are you prepared for some romance?

Episode 4.15 “Loving Strangers/Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 14th, 1981)

It’s a special Valentine’s Day episode of Fantasy Island!

Now, I have to admit that my first reaction to this was to think that I would be pretty depressed if I spent a Valentine’s Day at home, watching Fantasy Island.  But then I realized that’s pretty much what happened to me this year.  I had the excuse of a sprained ankle, though.  Add to that, I was watching The Love Boat instead of Fantasy Island and Jeff and I still had a romantic time, even if I was stuck on the couch for most of the day.

(For the record, my ankle is doing much better.  It only hurts with every 20th step now.)

Anyway, both of this episode’s fantasies are about falling in love.

Tom (Peter Marshall) and Margaret Wilkerson (Jane Powell) have been married for 25 years.  It’s been a happy marriage but they’re both curious whether they would still fall in love if they met each other as the way they are now.  Their fantasy is to meet again for the very first time.  Mr. Roarke warns them that this might not be a good idea but Tom and Margaret still choose to walk through the Door of Forgetfulness and immediately forget that they know each other or that they’re married.  Uh-oh — Tom’s flirting with a younger woman!  And Margaret just met international man of mystery, Cesar Romero.  Well, that marriage is doomed.  Or is it?

No, of course, it’s not doomed.  This is Fantasy Island and it’s Valentine’s Day.  Still, you do have to wonder why Roarke grants fantasies that could so easily go terribly wrong.  What if Tom and Margaret hadn’t eventually found each other again?  How would that be explained to the members of their family in Indiana?  Does Mr. Roarke ever worry about getting sued?

As for the other fantasy, Jack Foster (John Gavin) wants to marry Pamela Archer (Shelley Smith) on the Island.  The wedding is being planned.  Tattoo is calling people to order the cake and the plates and the silverware and it’s actually kind of neat to see Tattoo do something other than glare at Mr. Roarke.  However, Pamela has not told Jack the truth about her trampy past and she fears that, if the truth comes out, it will destroy Jack’s campaign to be governor of Illinois.  (I don’t know what she’s worried about.  It’s not like Illinois has a reputation for being run by ruthless political machine or anything.)  Pamela wants to marry Jack but …. OH NO, IT’S MARJOE GORTNER!

Marjoe plays Nick Corbin, who was apparently Pamela’s pimp in her previous life.  He’s come to Fantasy Island to drag Pamela away from Jack and Pamela feels that she has to go with him in order to protect Jack.  Jack reveals that he knows about her past and he doesn’t care.  He then confronts Nick, who pulls a knife on him.  OH NO!  Fortunately, Mr. Roarke appears and literally tosses Nick 20 feet into the air.  I’m not kidding, either.  MARJOE GORTNER GOES FLYING!

With Nick taken care of, Jack and Pamela have an incredibly tacky wedding.  Mr. Roarke walks Pamela down the aisle because apparently, Pamela has no family.  That’s kind of sad.

But the important thing is that everything worked out.  To be honest, neither fantasy was that interesting but I’m always happy to see Marjoe Gortner.  No one glowered quite like Marjoe!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.16 “Vintage ’54”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, the key words on the highway of California are “team work!”

Episode 1.16 “Vintage ’54”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired on January 26th, 1978)

It’s a three-day weekend and that means the California Highway Patrol even more mayhem to deal with than usual!

For instance, two car thieves are driving up and down the highway, searching for classic cars.  One stolen car belongs to 85 year-old Margaret Downey (Marjorie Bennett), who proceeds to go down to the station and personally demand that Sgt. Getraer find her car.  The thieves are eventually caught, thanks to the entire Highway Patrol working as a team and keeping an eye out for stolen cars.  The emphasis here was on teamwork, which Ponch and Baker just doing their part as opposed to be singled out.

It’s also teamwork that reunites a baby with the family that accidentally left her behind at a rest stop.  Ponch and Baker are the ones who take the baby to the station and they’re the ones who nickname the baby “Princess” and buy her toys but, in the end, it’s the entire Highway Patrol working together that eventually brings the baby back to her grateful parents.

Baker and Ponch do get a moment in the spotlight when a skydiver ends up getting tangled up and hanging from a highway overpass.  Baker is the one who grabs hold of her legs to keep her from falling while Ponch is the one who recruits a crane to help rescue her.  But again, Baker and Ponch are not working alone.  Instead, there are other motorists who help out, some by holding onto Baker and another by allowing Ponch to use his crane.

My point is that this episode was all about people working together to make the world a better and a safer place.  That’s not a bad message and the show delivers it with a good deal of sincerity.  With the exception of the scenery-chewing Marjorie Bennett, everyone is on their best behavior with this episode, with even Erik Estrada toning down his usual overacting.  And, of course, there’s two exciting motorcycle chases, both of which are very well-filmed.  There was nothing particularly amazing about this episode.  It was pretty much a typical hour of CHiPs but it was still very well-done.

Next week, Ponch and Baker have an important lesson to teach about hitchhiking!