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Retro Television Review: 3 By Cheever 1.3 “The Five Forty-Eight”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing 3 By Cheever, which ran on PBS in 1979.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime and found on YouTube.

This week, we finish up 3 By Cheever with an adaption of one of his best-known short stories.

Episode 1.3 “The Five Forty-Eight”

(Dir by James Ivory, originally aired on James Ivory)

Laurence Luckinbill stars as Blake, a business executive who rides the train into the city for work and then back to the suburbs when it’s time to return to his perfect home.  One day, as Blake heads to his train, he comes to be aware that he’s being followed by his former secretary, Miss Dent (Mary Beth Hurt).  Blake is concerned because Miss Dent made quite a scene when she was fired from her job a little while ago.  Of course, a part of the reason why she was so upset was because Blake had earlier seduced her, something that he has a habit of doing when it comes to his secretaries.  On the train, surrounded by neighbors (including one that Blake can’t stand because of his long hair), Blake finds himself sitting next to Miss Dent.  She explains that she has a gun in her purse.  As the train heads for its destination, Blake’s confident facade crumbles and he is soon as humiliated by his former secretary as she was by him.  And yet, this being a Cheever story, one wonders if Blake is even capable of realizing why any of this is happening to him.

The final episode of 3 By Cheever was an adaptation of one of John Cheever’s best short stories.  As directed by James Ivory, this adaptation can feel a bit overdrawn.  The short story, for instance, opens with Blake on an elevator, already preparing to head home on the train.  Ivory’s adaptation opens with Blake at the start of his day and we see a lot of things — like Blake’s antagonistic relationship with his long-haired neighbor — that Cheever simply mentioned.  It takes a while for Miss Dent to finally sit down next to Blake and Ivory doesn’t do much to build up any sort of suspense while we’re waiting.

On the plus side, the film reveals Ivory’s skill when it comes to working with actors as both Luckinbill and Mary Beth Hurt give excellent performances.  Luckinbill goes from being oily and overconfident to being a neurotic mess by the end of the show while Hurt does the opposite, going from being meek to commanding.  Both the original short story and Ivory’s adaptation succeed in making you wonder what the future could possibly hold for either one of the two characters.  They both seem to reach a point of no return and it’s hard to imagine Blake going back to his suburban home and his train rides and his motel hook-ups but, then again, this is a Cheever story so the implication is that he does just that, untouched by the fact that he nearly lost his life due to his own behavior.  As for Miss Dent, she reclaims her self-respect by going to an extreme.

This was the last episode of 3 By Cheever.  This was an interesting series of adaptations, even if Cheever’s prose does seem to work best on the page than literally translated to film.  Next week, a new series will being in this spot.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.12 “Epitaph For A Lonely Heart”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, it’s just Jack and Micki!

Episode 3.12 “Epitaph For A Lonely Heart”

(Dir by Allan Kroeker, originally aired on January 22nd, 1990)

Eli Leonard (Neil Munro) is a mortician who uses a cursed embalming needle to bring the dead back to life.  Of course, he has to kill someone for the needle to work.  Eli has fallen in love with the corpse of a young woman and …. EEK!

The dead woman’s fiancé is Steve Wells (Barclay Hope), a friend of Micki’s who let’s her know that he thinks something strange is happening at the funeral home before he himself is killed by Eli.  Micki and Jack investigate!  It all ends with a big and convenient fire, which not only kills Eli but also the two women who he has recently brought back to life.

Johnny Ventura was not in this episode and, as much as I’ve complained about the character, he actually is missed.  Having Micki just working solely with Jack threw off the show’s balance a little.  Jack is so much older than Micki that, in this episode, it felt as if Micki was Jack’s apprentice as opposed to being an equal partner in the search for the cursed items.  As a character, Micki works best when she has an impulsive guy like Ryan or Johnny to play off of.  Both she and Jack tend be cautious so this episode just felt a bit off.

(That said, there was an enjoyable scene of Jack and Micki having to host a gathering of all the other local antique dealers, none of whom knew that Jack and Micki spend all of their time fighting the Devil.)

The mortician was one of the least sympathetic villains that this show has ever featured.  He was lonely but he also an obsessive creeper with no people skills.  Friday the 13th has often featured villains who were tragically misguided or seduced by the cursed antique.  The mortician was just a creep.  Neil Munro did a good job playing him, making him into a villain who you couldn’t wait to see meet his fate.

In the end, though, this episode just felt off.  I guess this show really does need Johnny screwing up and accidentally giving away the cursed antiques.  Who would have guessed?

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 1.21 “Baron von Munchausen”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week’s episode is a much better Dr. Craig episode than last week’s.

Episode 1.21 “Baron von Munchausen”

(Dir by Victor Hsu, originally aired on April 19th, 1983)

Anthony Rizzo (Louis Giambalvo) seems like a nice guy.  He’s admitted to the hospital with complaints of stomach pain and a high fever.  Dr. Morrison can’t find anything wrong with him but he does notice that Rizzo has a lot of scars.  Rizzo explains that he’s had a lot of surgeries over the course of his life and he’s got a story to go with each one of them.  Morrison brings in Ehrlich for a consult.  Ehrlich, who loves to perform surgery, suggests opening Rizzo up and doing an exploratory.  Morrison thinks it’s too early for that,  Rizzo, however, loves the idea.  Rizzo then proceeds to die on the operating table.

Ehrlich is shaken.  Morrison is angry.  However, Westphall and Craig take one look at the case and deduce that Rizzo suffered from Munchausen’s Syndrome.  For whatever reason, he was addicted to going to the hospital and having surgery.  He knew all the tricks, from using a light blub to make it look like he had a fever to pricking his finger with a needle to convince the doctors that there was blood in his urine.  It turns out that he died because of the drugs that he had been taking to help him fake his symptoms.  Both Morrison and Ehrlich are relieved to learn that Rizzo’s death was not their fault.

“So, Ehrlich lost his first patient today,” Craig says to Westphall.  “It won’t be his last.”

This was a good episode for Dr. Craig, especially after all that nonsense last week.  When Westphall finds himself in need of a doctor to speak to a group of inner city medical students, he is horrified to discover that Mark Craig is the only one available.  Craig accepts, saying that Westphall should have asked him earlier.

Westphall’s concerns are justified.  Dr. Craig is opinionated, wealthy, and more than a little prejudiced against …. well, everyone.  “My ancestors came here on the Mayflower!” Craig is quick to say.  And yet, the students love him, specifically because he doesn’t pretend to be anything that he isn’t.  Unlike Westphall, who tries give an inspiring pep talk, Craig is open about the reality of practicing medicine in what this episode refers to as being “the ghetto.”  When asked if his medical student son will be working in a ghetto clinic, Craig replies, “Why would he?”  Craig gets a standing ovation from the students, which felt like a bit much but whatever.  It was nice, for once, to see the show admitting that Craig’s blunt honesty can sometimes be more effective than Westphall’s noncommittal style of encouragement.

Afterwards, in a wonderfully acted scene, Craig asked Westphall why people don’t seem to like him,  Westphall shrugs and then says that Craig can be arrogant, rude, prejudiced, intolerant of other worldviews …. “Thank you, Donald,” Craig cuts him off.

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, a crazy woman (Micole Mercurio) is sent to the psych ward after threatening to kill Nurse Daniels.  (No, leave Shirley alone!)  Dr. Wendy Armstrong, who is one of the worst characters on this show, promptly discharges the woman and lets her leave the hospital.  “She threatened to kill me!” Shirley says while Wendy shrugs, unconcerned.  Fiscus also proves to be of no help, as he is once again feeling attracted to Kathy Martin.

Finally, Dr. White goes to a drug addict support group and walks out when things get too emotional.  Booo!  Dr. White is even worse than Dr, Armstrong!

This was a good episode.  Next week, the season finale!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.22 “A Father’s Faith”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week brings us a touching episode.

Episode 3.22 “A Father’s Faith”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 4th, 1987)

Jonathan and Mark visit an old friend of Mark’s, a fisherman named Gene Malloy (Eli Wallach).  The Malloy family has been struggling ever since Gene’s son slipped into a coma after risking his life to save Gene’s daughter, Michele (Katherine Wallach), from drowning.  Gene neglects his business and his family to spend all of his time visiting his comatose son.  Gene’s wife (Anne Jackson) is feeling neglected and, because she blames herself for the accident, Michele has never visited her brother.  Everyone tells Gene that his son is never going to wake up but Gene has faith.

This was a simple but effective episode, one that worked largely because of the cast.  Eli Wallach and Anne Jackson were married in real life and Katherine Wallach was their daughter.  Watching this family drama being played out by a real family made it all the more touching.  In the end, Gene’s faith is rewarded.  It’s a little bit implausible but it doesn’t matter.  I still teared up a little.  For that matter, so did Michael Landon and Victor French and I’m pretty sure those tears were real.  Eli Wallach really poured his emotions into his performance as Gene.  This was a very heart-felt episode where the sincerity of the emotions carried the viewer over any rough spots in the narrative.

As I watched this episode, it occurred to me that, if it was made today, the story would probably be used to promote assisted suicide or euthanasia.  For whatever reason, there’s a lot of people who have really fallen in love with the idea of killing people who are sick or disabled.  Personally, I prefer this episode’s approach.  Sometimes, good things do happen.

 

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 16: The Great Invasion – Part 2 (originally aired December 24th, 1966)

Posted on by Bradley Crain

Episode 16 opens with Shane (David Carradine) back in Cheyenne, WY. He has joined up with Major Hackett’s (Bradford Dillman) outfit to try to find out the Major’s plans for attacking the homesteaders. The first thing he has to do is have it out with Jed (Charles Grodin) who is still smarting from the ass-whoopin’ he took in the last episode. The two men get into another brawl that ends when Major Hackett shoots Jed in the knee and discharges him from his service for good. The next day, Major Hackett, Shane, the men, and the Gatling Gun head towards the valley after rustlers and homesteaders. Major Hackett assigns Shane to advance scout their next target, Bull O’Reilly. Shane heads out and forces O’Reilly to leave his home before the other men arrive. Shane tells them O’Reilly was gone before he got there, but Major Hackett doesn’t appear to be buying what Shane is selling and tells his men to keep an eye on him. When Shane finds out they are headed for the valley the next day, he beats up the guy he’s on night watch duty with and rides all night back to the Starett ranch. With Tom (Tom Tully) and Marian’s (Jill Ireland) help, he is finally able to convince the homesteaders and the cattlemen, led by Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed), to stand together and take on Major Hackett and his men. But do they have any chance against that gun? 

Part 1 of the Great Invasion spent most of its running time setting up the backstory for Major Hackett’s invasion of the valley in order to get rid of all the rustlers and homesteaders. With all of that out of the way, Part 2 mainly focuses on the actions Shane takes in trying to stop Major Hackett from within. He engages in two fistfights. He convinces an old man to leave his home as soon as possible, giving him time to put on his boots but not time to put on his pants, which gave me a chuckle. And he stands with the homesteaders and the cattlemen as they trick Major Hackett into thinking the Ryker ranch is abandoned so they can attack with an element of surprise. David Carradine, of course, handles all of the action and drama very well. Part 2 is a pretty solid episode, but after the setup from Part 1, I was hoping for a little more. I can’t help but question Major Hackett’s judgement when it comes to Shane. There were plenty of red flags that would indicate Shane wasn’t very trustworthy when it came to executing the plan, but Hackett seemed willing to give him the benefit of the doubt anyway. His cockiness and over confidence in his ability to control the Gatling Gun also knocked him down a notch or two. Major Hackett turned out not to be as smart as we originally thought him to be, which was a little disappointing, especially with Bradford Dillman’s interesting performance. On a positive note, I was glad that Little Joey (Christopher Shea) gets a sweet moment in this episode. He’s mostly a background piece in the series but his childlike wisdom comes in handy at one point. He overhears the adults questioning whether or not Shane has really joined the invaders. Joey tells them matter of factly that he knows that Shane has a plan that will help everyone and finishes his statement with, “Y’all just don’t know him as well as I do.” Tom and Marian can’t help but smile with that innocent truth-bomb, and from that point never doubt Shane again. Tom Tully gets another opportunity to shine as well, as his Tom Starett gives an impassioned speech to his fellow homesteaders asking them join together and fight the invaders. It was a good moment for him. 

Overall, “The Great Invasion” is an episode that builds a solid foundation in the first part that it doesn’t completely capitalize on in the second. It has its moments, though, especially with some good character moments from both the main cast and its guest stars. I also found the very final shootout to be exciting. The relationship between Shane and Marian does seem to be reaching a breaking point as her patience is wearing thin with his inability to share his true feelings with her. We only have one episode to go, so I’m expecting some sort of action in that department as the series reaches its conclusion.  

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 2.11 “The Best Man”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

Where was I when the new Pope was revealed?  I was watching this stupid show.

Episode 2.11 “The Best Man”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on January 15th, 2000)

Finally, after weeks of posting apologetic notes and an imdb summaries, I have reached a second season episode of Malibu, CA that has actually been uploaded to YouTube.  In fact, it appears that most of the rest of season 2 has been uploaded so I’ll be able to do real reviews now as opposed to just snarky speculation.

Normally, I’d celebrate but this is Malibu, CA.  It is, by far, the worst show that I’ve reviewed here at the Shattered Lens.  This week’s episode was especially stupid and the only thing that’s keeping me from really getting mad about having wasted 30 minutes of my life on it is the fact that we have a new Pope and he’s American!

The plot of this week’s episode is dumber than dumb.  Murray’s best friend is marrying Lisa’s friend.  How Lisa (the character, not me!) has any friends, I’m not really sure.  She just moved to California at the start of the season, she acts like a condescending bitch to just about everyone she meets, and she’s continually talking about how better she is then everyone.  Regardless, Scott has a crush on her …. then again, Scott also treats everyone he knows like crap so maybe that explains it.  Anyway, Murray is the best man and Lisa is the maid of honor and Traycee says that means they’re destined to fall in love.  Murray decides that Lisa is his girlfriend and, for some reason, neither Scott nor Lisa can find the courage to tell Murray the truth.

Meanwhile, Jason, his father, and new lifeguard Alex (Suzanne Davis) go into the piemaking business together.  They’re using Alex’s grandmother’s recipe and everyone loves the pie!  It’s so popular that they even set up a conveyer belt in the kitchen to make boxing the pies up go quicker.  But then Jason gets distracted, the conveyer starts moving too quickly, and — hey, there’s pie everywhere!

(Hmmm…. this seems familiar….)

Uh-oh!  There’s a lawyer in the restaurant and he’s threatening to sue.  It turns out that Alex’s grandmother got her recipe from the pies that were being made by a professional bakery.  And now, Jason and his Dad are getting sued, unless they stop making and selling the pies….

Wait a minute!  SCREECH’S SPAGHETTI SAUCE!  This whole thing is just a remake of an episode of Saved By The Bell!  They didn’t even bother to come up with new ending!

Seriously, screw these lazy writers!  I don’t ask for much, especially when the show is produced by Peter Engel.  I’m certainly not expecting or demanding a hard-hitting drama or a ground-breaking comedy.  But come on — DON’T JUST PLAGAIRZINE YOURSELF, YOU MORONS!  MAKE SOME SORT OF FREAKING EFFORT!

Ugh, this show!

I didn’t care much for this episode.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.17 “Leavings”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Monsters makes even less sense than usual.

Episode 3.17 “Leavings”

(Dir by John Tillinger, originally aired on January 20th, 19991)

Two cops (played by Tony Shalhoub and John Christopher Jones) are concerned about something that they’ve noticed on the streets.  Homeless people who are missing limbs are showing up.  The cops know that the homeless people had all their limbs just a few days ago but now, they’re gone.  There’s no sign of surgery or any sort of trauma.  The limbs are just disappearing apparently.  Meanwhile, there’s some new homeless guy wandering around who appears to be made out of limbs that don’t really seem to go together.

They go to their boss (Clifton James) with this concerns.  Their boss tells them not to worry about it.  However, the cops continue to worry about it.  This leads to their boss revealing the truth of what’s happening.  It turns out that their boss has been stealing body parts and building new people for years.  He’s trying to create a policeman who will be loyal and who won’t ask questions.  (We only see one of these constructed cops in the show.  He wears a jacket that identifies him as being Officer S. Partz.)  The boss then kills the two cops because they’ve seen too much.

This was a weird episode.  How exactly did their boss learn how to remove body parts without leaving any sort of obvious signs of trauma?  How did he learn how to bring his constructed people to life?  How did …. well, it just doesn’t make any sense.  It’s true that a 30-minuet anthology show doesn’t necessarily have to make perfect sense but this episode really does stretch things a bit too far.  The three actors all give good performances but, otherwise, this episode just falls a bit flat.

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 15: “The Great Invasion – Part 1” (originally aired December 17th, 1966)

Posted on by Bradley Crain

Episode 15 opens with Shane (David Carradine) at a hotel in Cheyenne, WY. He hears a ruckus in the next room where a guy named Jed (Charles Grodin) is holding court with a group of men and women. Jed, who has clearly been drinking way too much, is going on about the honor of serving with Captain William Quantrill. He asks Shane to have a drink with him and Shane declines. Offended by this, Jed challenges Shane only to get his ass thoroughly kicked in about 10 seconds flat. One of the men in the group recognizes Shane as the great gunfighter. Soon the men force Shane at gunpoint to go see their boss, Major George Hackett (Bradford Dillman). It seems Hackett is putting together a group of men for a project and offers Shane the large sum of $75 per week to join up. Sensing something bad, Shane turns down his offer and leaves. Shane is right to leave as we soon learn that Hackett’s “project” is to eliminate any homesteaders who are not a part of the Cattlemen’s Benevolent Association, a large outfit out of Chicago.

While in Cheyenne, Shane also runs into his old friend Longhorn Jenny (Constance Ford) who is in town selling a herd of cattle. She’s accompanied by her assistant Dan (Archie Moore). The two swap some old stories, with Shane even asking how she came across that herd of cattle. They seem to hint that she didn’t necessarily come across them legally. Shane says goodbye and starts the journey back to the ranch. Before leaving Cheyenne, he reads a story in the paper that specifically mentions Longhorn Jenny, implying that she’s a rustler. The story in the paper, which seems to back the Cattlemen’s Association, plus Major Hackett’s offer convinces Shane that something truly bad is on the way. When he gets back to the ranch, he tells Tom (Tom Tully), Marian (Jill Ireland) and a few other local homesteaders that he’s concerned that they may all be in danger. Unfortunately, everyone he speaks to in the valley about this situation, including cattleman Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed), think he’s overreacting and don’t seem concerned at all. Then Major Hackett and his men ride out to Jenny’s ranch, unveil their Gatling Gun and proceed to kill Jenny and Dan, ultimately hanging her at the gate with a sign that says “Rustler.” Even after Jenny is killed, no one in the valley will listen to Shane and prepare to defend themselves. Marian tells Shane that she’ll prepare to defend their ranch, but she is not leaving. Not knowing what to do to keep those he loves safe, Shane heads back to Cheyenne and accepts Hackett’s offer to work for him. Credits roll for the end of Part 1.  

A lot happens in the “The Great Invasion: Part 1.” All the main people are introduced, with Hackett and his plan coming into light. We also spend an inordinate amount of time with Longhorn Jenny as we meet her, learn about her and ultimately see her die. This being the first part of a two part episode, I’ll withhold my larger analysis for the next review, but I am looking forward to seeing where the story goes. I find the characters quite interesting. Bradford Dillman comes off as very odd and extremely dangerous as Major Hackett, a man who seems to relish the opportunity to use his Gatling Gun. Charles Grodin’s Jed appears to be your typical loudmouth killer at this point, but it will be interesting to see what happens to him. And I’m looking forward to seeing what Shane does to stop the madness before it takes out the people in their valley. There’s no way they can compete with Hackett’s Gatling Gun, so Shane will have to figure out a way to stop things from within. 

There were a few other interesting things I noted while watching this episode. First, when Shane is heading back to the ranch from Cheyenne, we see the Grand Teton Mountain range behind him for the first time in the series. If you remember, the Tetons are prominently featured in the classic 1953 film SHANE, and it was cool seeing them here. Second, Shane goes on a rant to Marian at one point about how newspapers spin the facts in a way that distorts the truth. Just in case anyone thought that a dishonest media was only a current issue, this should lay that theory to rest. And finally, Marian Starett flat out asks Shane why he continues to stay at the ranch. She’s clearly wanting to know if it’s for her. Once again he won’t give her the satisfaction of confirming her thoughts, and it appears that his reluctance to be honest with her is starting to wear thin. Couple that with a crying Joey who doesn’t understand why Shane left and the interpersonal emotions are running high as the episode fades out. I’m all in for seeing how it plays out. 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.27 “April in Boston/Saving Grace/Breaks of Life”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Charo’s back!

Episode 5.27 “April in Boston/Saving Grace/Breaks of Life”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 1st, 1982)

April Lopez (Charo) is back!  This time, she has given up show business and is now working as a Spanish tutor for stuffy private school headmaster Bradford York (David Hedison).  She is falling for Bradford but she knows that he would never accept her as an entertainer.  Or would he?  We’re about to find out because the entertainment that Julie booked, probably while in a cocaine-fueled haze, fails to show up.  Would April be willing to perform?

April sings “Let’s get physical, physical,” in the ship’s lounge but when Bradford stops by to get a drink, April covers her face with a mask.  “If I sang like that,” Bradford says, “I’d wear a mask too….”

And that really gets to the main problem with this story.  Bradford York is jerk!  Seriously, I know why some people find Charo to be annoying and I do think The Love Boat tended to overuse the character but she deserves a lot better than Bradford York!  Eventually, of course, Bradford leans that April is the singer and he tells her that he loves her in Spanish.  (He has to ask April how to say it first.)  So, I guess it’s a happy ending  but we all know that April’s going to be single again once the sixth season starts.

As for the other storylines, Gwen (Jayne Meadows) and George Finley (Gene Rayburn) are a divorced couple who end up in the ship’s infirmary together.  We’ve never seen the infirmary before and I assume we’ll never see it again.  The two of them fall in love all over again.  It tuns out Gwen was just faking her injury so she could be with George.  It seems like Doc Bricker should have noticed that.

Finally, Grace Bostwick (Jane Powell) is a widow who is prevented from jumping overboard by Gabriel (Hugh O’Brian).  Gabriel says he’s angel, sent from Heaven to help Grace move on from her grief.  It turns out that he’s not.  He’s just someone who knew Grace was suicidal and figured he would have to come up with something dramatic to keep her from plunging into the ocean.  Everyone on the boat acts as if this makes total sense.  Grace is very forgiving.  Never has one lie been responsible for so much love.

What a weird episode.  A man pretended to be an angel, Charo performed while wearing a mask, and the ship has an infirmary!  Weird as it was, the episode kept me entertained.  I’ve always liked Charo’s mix of sincerity and flamboyance.  That said, she deserves better than Bradford York.  The angel storyline was problematic for all sorts of reasons but at least Jane Powell and Hugh O’Brian gave good performances.  They almost sold it.  Almost.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.3 “Rapscallions”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

It’s another day in L.A.

Episode 2.3 “Rapscallions”

(Dir by Gary Winter, originally aired on September 7th, 1996)

There’s a lot happening in Santa Monica or wherever it is this stupid show takes place.

Mr. Baron (Tom Towles) has hired two thugs to run all the tenants out of a building so it can be turned into a drug den.  TC and Cory help the tenants.  TC encourages one of them, Travis (Anthony De Longis), to be a big old hero.

The lifeguards challenge the bicycle cops to a street hockey game.  Victor goes crazy trying to recruit good players.  The lifeguards bring in a professional player who apparently works as a lifeguard during the summer.  The bicycle cops still manage to hold the lifeguards to a tie.  Their goalie collapses at the end of the game, apparently as a result of getting hit in the face by the puck a hundred times.  So, I guess he’s dead now.  Oh well.  At least the bike cops can feel like heroes before facing another day of people laughing about how dorky they look on their bicycles.

Palermo has a new girlfriend (Marisa Urkovich), which upsets his 16 year-old daughter, Jessie (Johna Stewart-Bowden).  Jessie wants her parents to get back together but Palermo has to explain that the divorce is final.  He is never going to remarry Jessie’s mother.  Palermo’s heart belongs to the bicycles now.

There was a lot happening in this episode and I have to admit that I really didn’t care about any of it.  After this episode ended, I started thinking about the show’s main characters and I asked myself whether or not any of them were actually likable.  I mean, let’s consider this:

Jim Davidson plays TC Callaway, who doesn’t even have a consistent backstory.  When we first met him, he was being pressured to quit his job and become an executive at his family’s business.  TC was wealthy when we first met him but we haven’t heard anything about his family or their company since then and TC certainly doesn’t act like someone who grew up with money.  Sometimes, TC has a regular girlfriend who lives with him and sometimes, it appears that he does not.  Of course, the main problem with TC is that it’s hard to keep him straight from either Victor or Palermo.  Once he puts on his riding helmet and his sunglasses, TC basically looks about as generic as someone can.  A huge part of the problem is that TC never has any facial expressions or anything that would suggest any sort of personality at all.

Darlene Vogel plays Chris Kelly, who is still whining about being on the bike patrol.  When the show started, she was obviously meant to have a will they or won’t they thing with TC but the total lack of chemistry between Darlene Vogel and every performer on the show pretty much ended that.  For someone who was originally meant to be one of the main characters, Chris never really seems to have much to do on the show.  She spent this episode smirking whenever anyone asked to see Palermo.  Everyone’s had that friend that they secretly can’t stand and that’s pretty much who Chris is on this show.

Marcos A. Ferraez plays Victor Del Toro, who at least has a bit of a personality in that he’s always getting angry about something and he always stops and stares whenever he sees anyone wearing a bikini.  (Since this series takes place on a beach in California, you can imagine the amount of time that is taken up by this.)  Victor is impulsive and competitive but he’s also a bike cop so it’s still hard not to feel like he’s overcompensating because of his job.

Paula Trickey plays Cory McNamara.  Cory is as close to being a likable character as you’re going to find on Pacific Blue and Paula Trickey, at least by this point in the series, is definitely the best member of the ensemble.  Unfortunately, the show itself seems to only be interesting in either finding excuses for her to get sprayed with water or having her get menaced while wearing a tank top.

And finally, Rick Rossovich is Lt. Palermo.  Palermo is strict and no-nonsense, which is actually what you want from a boss.  Unfortunately, for the by-the-book boss thing to be compelling, someone in the group has to be a rule-breaker and that’s not really a description that applies to anyone on Pacific Blue.  Rossovich was not a bad actor but, at least at this point in the series, Palermo still spends way too much time telling people that bicycle cops are real cops.  If you haven’t been able to convince them yet, you never will.

In short, this episode of Pacific Blue didn’t work because the cast was boring and putting them on bicycles did not help.  Hopefully, things will change as I continue to watch the series or else it’s going to be long couple of seasons.